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June 28, 2009 8:20 PM   Subscribe

A journalist is filing charges against Big Pharma, the WHO, UN officials and Barack Obama, among others. For attempted mass genocide. Michael Jackson's death plays a part in this.

Jane Burgermeister, an austrian/irish investigative journalist and reporter who has written articles for Nature and the British Medical Journal, correspondent for the Guardian, had filed charges against Baxter AG (the austrian subsidiary of Baxter Healthcare) and Avir Green Hills Biotechnology (another austrian pharmaceutical company) last April, allegedly for producing deliberately contaminated bird flu vaccine in an attempt to cause and profit from a pandemic, which is -she claims- not totally unrelated to a mishap that apparently happened last year.

On June, 10th, Burgermeister filed new charges, while Baxter might have a vaccine ready as soon as in early July.

In her charges, she presents evidence of acts of bioterrorism and the existence of a massive depopulation program of the United States brought about by forced vaccination under the pretext of a swine flu pandemic, swine flu actually being a weaponized 1918 spanish flu strain.

This would be part of a larger plot to reduce the world population by more than 5 bln. people in the next 10 years, brought about by a covert bioweapons program of which are part (among others) the WHO, UN officials, the major pharmaceutical companies, an "international corporate crime syndicate", Barack Obama, whose Mexico trip would be linked with the swine flu outbreak earlier this year, the FDA, the Canada National Microbiology Lab, the British NIBSC, the Illuminati and the Bilderberg group, bankers David de Rotschild, David Rockfeller and George Soros and too many more to mention.

On related news, a report by the Russian security agency purportedly claims that at the time of the death of Michael Jackson, a russian military satellite noticed an EMP, consistent with electromagnetic weapons, localized on MJ's house. The reason behind the CIA assassination of Jackson would be to silence him before his concerts planned in London, which would have been a platform for warning the World of a soon to occur mass genocide event, in agreement and with the support of Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa, the rock-obsessed son of the King of Bahrain, with whom Jackson had recently reached an out of court settlement following a loan intended to relaunch Jackson's career. Both Jackson and Abdullah bin Hamad have been long standing supporters of the fearless Austrian investigative journalist.
posted by _dario (132 comments total) 40 users marked this as a favorite

 
This all seems to check out.
posted by Jairus at 8:23 PM on June 28, 2009 [103 favorites]


I'm not sure I have enough tinfoil to read this summary.
posted by Slothrup at 8:25 PM on June 28, 2009 [10 favorites]


Wasn't mathowie implicated? Poor show.
posted by fightorflight at 8:26 PM on June 28, 2009


Aww, he's just trying to impress Glenn Beck.
posted by PlusDistance at 8:27 PM on June 28, 2009


Wonderful post.

I'm a little confused by the whole 'filing charges with the FBI' deal. Are they the one group of people that aren't in on the crime? Because that seems a little naive, or at least not fitting with the rest of her paranoia, whether justified or (I'm willing to assume) not.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:27 PM on June 28, 2009


those anti vaccine people sure are crazy
posted by bhnyc at 8:30 PM on June 28, 2009 [12 favorites]


what, no batshitinsane tag?
posted by leotrotsky at 8:32 PM on June 28, 2009


How to the Georgia Guidestones fit into this?
posted by empath at 8:33 PM on June 28, 2009


Someone has been playing too much Deus Ex.
posted by arcolz at 8:33 PM on June 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


Yes, a "batshitinsane" tag is lacking.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:33 PM on June 28, 2009


I think Jane Burgermeister tops Stone Phillips for best reporter name.
posted by Partario at 8:34 PM on June 28, 2009


2012, dudes, 2012.
posted by The Straightener at 8:34 PM on June 28, 2009 [4 favorites]


Dr. Gene Ray offers Wikipedia $10,000.00
to disprove math that 1 rotation of 4 Earth
quadrants within the 4 quarter Harmonic
Time Cube does create 4 simultaneous
24 hr. days.

You must rise above your ignorance to see the connections here.
posted by GuyZero at 8:35 PM on June 28, 2009 [4 favorites]


Do we need to point out that journalists can't file charges? Prosecutors do that.
posted by empath at 8:35 PM on June 28, 2009


At first I thought I was at Fark. All it was missing was an asinine tag.
posted by SirOmega at 8:37 PM on June 28, 2009


Arg, have read this now. It's not really chortle chortle laugh at the conspiracy fodder, it's more dangerous nonsense that says vaccines=lethal, dressed in chortle chortle paranoia. Less coherent than the usual stuff, though: requires doctors to carry out genocide (unknowingly at first, but surely they'd notice), and holds as one of the many smoking guns live viruses being sent to vaccine laboratories. Because there's no plausible reason for that at all.

Also: the ultimate motive? Profit, from halving the world population and "instability". I know bankers have fucked up a bit recently, but surely they don't think like this. Perhaps they do: "if only there were nobody else in the world, I'd have *all* the money! Quick, get me the heads of the international drugs firms".
posted by fightorflight at 8:37 PM on June 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


Sounds like this poor woman in living in an elaborate piece of ReGenesis fanfic.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 8:40 PM on June 28, 2009


WHO gets the money. Every dollar of it.
Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:40 PM on June 28, 2009 [12 favorites]


Sounds like a plan to me. Who's going to bring snacks?
posted by marxchivist at 8:41 PM on June 28, 2009


She's got a point.

A ballpoint.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 8:43 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Pfft. A proper Austrian journalist with a fondness for conspiracy theories would never have failed to make the obvious connection to the continuing cover-up of the Mayerling murders. Amateur.
posted by scody at 8:43 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


Michael Jackson was killed by an EMP!?! I don't understand, was he in his robot mode from Moonwalker when he died?
posted by FireballForever at 8:44 PM on June 28, 2009 [13 favorites]


Less coherent than the usual stuff, though: requires doctors to carry out genocide (unknowingly at first, but surely they'd notice)

Exactly - why risk exposure with such an elaborate Bond villain scheme? Just inoculate a few hobos and toss them out there, that's what I'd do, then share the cure with my masonic jew banker jesuit buddies at the bohemian grove. Oh, but I've said too much, *titter*
posted by fleetmouse at 8:44 PM on June 28, 2009


To all those people who wished newpapers gave their reporters the leeway to do more investigative journalism: now you don't.
posted by Sova at 8:46 PM on June 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


Dario, I suppose this could be an entertaining loltinfoil thread, but (1) we already have the Steorn thread, and (2) this is your first FPP. In light of these circumstances, I have to say your post was ill-advised.
posted by ryanrs at 8:46 PM on June 28, 2009


I lol'd.
posted by kldickson at 8:47 PM on June 28, 2009


This totally checks out, both What Does it mean and David Ickes are on to it.

The question now needs to be how do we protect ourselves from this?

Personally, after reading this post I'm going to disappear from civilization for a few months until things have calmed down. Even if this means missing the Bruno premier and MeFi 10 year party.

God speed to you all.
posted by sien at 8:50 PM on June 28, 2009


As always, when confronted with evidence of a massive conspiracy -- consult your pineal gland. (warning, the entire Illuminatus! Trilogy in PDF form -- may lock up web browsers and minds.)
posted by empath at 8:51 PM on June 28, 2009 [8 favorites]


I can laugh at foolish people with wacky ideas, but this thing has more of a LOLMENTALILLNESS feel to it than I'm comfortable with.
posted by gubo at 8:54 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


Tinfoil Hat instructions.
posted by ALongDecember at 8:54 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Who knew that Kathleen Sibelius has spent her entire career trying to reach her ultimate goal of killing everyone
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:57 PM on June 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


Thanks, Empath, I was just thinking I wanted to re-read the trilogy. It's like you read my... wait a minute - empath - EMP - oh my god you're one o@&$y%eNO CARRIER
posted by fleetmouse at 8:59 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't know why, really, but I just spent 15 minutes trying to independently verify just ONE of the leaps of logic in the whatdoesitmean.com link: the one about how Michael Jackson's upcoming performance "would have been a platform for warning the World of a soon to occur mass genocide event, in agreement and with the support of Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa", but I came up with nothing except that the out-of-court settlement was to be sealed.

Then I looked at the byline: Sorcha Faal. There's a link at the bottom of the article entitled "Who is Sorcha Faal?" but that WAY was more confusing that helpful. Some Google revealed this posting elsewhere called "Sorcha Faal... Internet Hoax Queen Courtesy of David Booth...", and while I guess I don't have any good reason to believe one possible whacknut over another, their claim makes sense to me: that it's some guy who was writing BatBoy-style conspiracy stories in order to drum up interest in his BatBoy-style conspiracy book, Code Red: The Coming Destruction of The United States, 2004.

I guess he's still at it, since the United States didn't destruct in 2004. Windmills, tilting, etc.
posted by dammitjim at 9:07 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


This all seems to check out.

That made me LOL. Being the first comment - after reading the "MORE INSIDE" diatribe - made it especially funny.

Bart: Hello, there, fellow Shelbyvillians.
Martin2: Wait a minute. If you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you at school?
Bart: I don't go to school.
Nelson2: OK. What's two plus two?
Bart: Five.
Nelson2: Oh... [turns to others] Story checks out.


/I still like a good conspiracy theory, even if I did laff heartily at the comment.

//Speaking of which, did the CIA really introduce crack into black neighbourhoods?

///The Simpsons is my new New Testament. I find myself quoting it more often than I would like, especially on such a *ahem* highbrow site such as this.

posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:07 PM on June 28, 2009


> Dario, I suppose this could be an entertaining loltinfoil thread, but (1) we already have the Steorn thread, and (2) this is your first FPP. In light of these circumstances, I have to say your post was ill-advised.

I think it was great.
posted by cj_ at 9:11 PM on June 28, 2009 [4 favorites]


There seems to be a lot in the news about this Michael Jackson guy, but I'm not familiar with him. Can anyone tell me who this is?
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:12 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Q: Why will Jane Burgermeister never work in mainstream journalism again?
A: The cabal!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:13 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


Newsreader: We now cross live to our man in the field, correspondent Jerry Miad. How's the situation there Jerry?

Jerry Miad: IT'S AWFUL!
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:21 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wouldn't it be awesome if this all turned out to be true and the prosecution of the conspirators ushered in a new era of galactic peace under the benevolent dictatorship of Gorloj?
posted by fleetmouse at 9:24 PM on June 28, 2009


I keep reading and re-reading the post, and cannot find any mention of William Shockley.

FAIL.
posted by b1tr0t at 9:27 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


You know who else was Austrian?
posted by escabeche at 9:29 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


If this turns out to be true... vindication just might be granted to the political pro-life groups... I pray this is all just conspiracy theory, I would be severely bummed out if it were real, like very much so.
posted by JoeXIII007 at 9:31 PM on June 28, 2009


I'm just pleased that someone is concerned for my precious bodily fluids.
posted by vanar sena at 9:38 PM on June 28, 2009 [3 favorites]


Whenever I hear the World Health Organisation being quoted on the teev I'm always like, "who?"
Only the smart people in the room get the joke.

posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:40 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


If only.
posted by fourcheesemac at 9:41 PM on June 28, 2009


Best comment so far was the one from @weapons-grade pandemonium ...
posted by GatorDavid at 9:42 PM on June 28, 2009


You know who else was Austrian?

Wilhelm Reich
posted by Ndwright at 9:48 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]


Update:
The FDA has once again refused to approve tin-foil hats as treatment for schizophrenia and other mental disorders, thus denying millions of needy Americans an inexpensive and much-needed road to treatment.
posted by Avelwood at 9:52 PM on June 28, 2009


You know who else was Austrian?

uh, Julie Andrews?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 10:00 PM on June 28, 2009


Whenever I hear the World Health Organisation being quoted on the teev I'm always like, "who?"
Only the smart people in the room get the joke.


Heh yeah, the World Health Organization was the best line from Tommy.
posted by vanar sena at 10:10 PM on June 28, 2009


This is going to be the best Bond movie evar.
posted by Graygorey at 10:14 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


Way to connect some dots.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:16 PM on June 28, 2009


Memo to aspiring screenwriters: if it sets off your bullshit detector as soon as it pops up on Metafilter, it is too implausible for theaters.
posted by grobstein at 10:37 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


it's a load of crap - i was just at the burger king on stadium drive in kalamazoo and saw elvis AND michael jackson eating lunch there
posted by pyramid termite at 10:41 PM on June 28, 2009


(Also: Jane Burgermeister presented persuasive evidence that the quality fucking plummets when you go below the top few science writers.)
posted by grobstein at 10:44 PM on June 28, 2009


Google monkey virus
posted by hortense at 10:45 PM on June 28, 2009


Google monkey virus
posted by hortense at 1:45 AM on June 29

Is that something I can get? Do I need to update my firewall?
posted by FireballForever at 11:02 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


i don't know - what version firewall does your fallout shelter have?
posted by pyramid termite at 11:13 PM on June 28, 2009


yay! it got the batshitinsane tag!
I love the batshitinsane tag!
mmmm...batshitinsane tag...
*rubs batshitinsane tag on naughty bits*
*respects batshitinsane tag in the morning*
posted by sexyrobot at 11:14 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


You must rise above your ignorance to see the connections here.

And if you don't, then you are, of course, EVIL.
posted by IvoShandor at 11:33 PM on June 28, 2009


Barack Obama, whose Mexico trip would be linked with the swine flu outbreak earlier this year, the FDA, the Canada National Microbiology Lab, the British NIBSC, the Illuminati and ...

... this is where I stopped reading. Because They are undoubtedly following my web traffic, and they can't know I'm learning the TRUTH.

brb, proxies.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:35 PM on June 28, 2009


Wouldn't it be awesome if this all turned out to be true and the prosecution of the conspirators ushered in a new era of galactic peace under the benevolent dictatorship of Gorloj?

Btw, Gorloj speaks Czech, and Czech will be the language of the new utopian human civilization.

Frankly I think this is fantastic because damn I love me some kolaches.
posted by Avenger at 11:38 PM on June 28, 2009


Sad thing is, from a purely practical standpoint, the earth could easily stand to lose five billion people.

On the other hand, if we do lose that many, buying a house now is going to seem really silly, so maybe I should wait.
posted by maxwelton at 11:38 PM on June 28, 2009 [1 favorite]


(oh and btw it sounds to me like an otherwise normal journalist is having a psychotic break rather than just doing it for the lulz).
posted by Avenger at 11:41 PM on June 28, 2009


If we're really looking at loosing five billion people, I figure that'll mostly mean Asia and Africa, so I'm good.

Hopefully, I can pass for Jewish so I'll get the real vaccination.
posted by klangklangston at 12:06 AM on June 29, 2009


You know, for once I'd like to see one of these whackadoo theories come to fruition... ok, maybe not this one, particularly, but... well, maybe what I mean is, golly, she put a lot of work into this, you know? and boy, it sure would be a shame if... uh... ok, maybe not.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:29 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Memo to aspiring screenwriters: if it sets off your bullshit detector as soon as it pops up on Metafilter, it is too implausible for theaters.

Actually, I've already seen this movie. It's called
posted by philip-random at 12:33 AM on June 29, 2009


How delightfully mad.
posted by Effigy2000 at 12:50 AM on June 29, 2009


Wow, just wait until she hears about chemtrails and the baby-eatin' spacelizard people.
posted by loquacious at 12:53 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


YOU FOOL! Do you know what you've done? The secret army has your IP, and they'll be coming for you, too!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:55 AM on June 29, 2009


Overcomplicated plans are the #1 reason why Mad Scientists fail.
posted by moonbiter at 1:24 AM on June 29, 2009


Metafilter post is a wonderful format for conspiracy theory. Yellow bold links give the same emphasis on important stuff as ALL CAPS or underlining, but also they give believability for claims, as they are links to sources. More posts like this, I like!
posted by Free word order! at 1:33 AM on June 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


Is there money in this kind of wackiness? Not on the part of the evil-Big-Pharma labs, there's money there, obviously (vaccines for diseases they themselves make? Awesome!) No, is there money in the Chicken Little Business. I mean, she's maybe imploded her career with this ill-conceived very poorly thought-out wackiness, is there any up-side for her? Professionally, I mean?

MSPT, I had this funny rejoinder that I lost in a page refresh... hang on, someone's at the door
posted by From Bklyn at 2:23 AM on June 29, 2009


Y'know, given a few days, I'm sure we'll find out Billy Mays was involved, also. Was he trying to save us? What was OxyClean, really? Was it possible he could have stopped all of this? The circumstances are strange and the timing is suspect, I really hope somebody is investigating this.
posted by FireballForever at 2:23 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


...producing deliberately contaminated bird flu vaccine in an attempt to cause and profit from a pandemic...

Hm. See, I take out everything else in this (most excellent) post that pushes this over the top into batshitinsane territory... and just consider THAT premise all on its own. Even if it's just considering the feasibility of a plot device.

I think to myself: could a corporation do this, logistically? And I have to conclude "Sure, it wouldn't even be that hard."

So now the only thing stopping it is the presumed ethical behavior of giant pharma corporations?

Hm.
posted by rokusan at 2:43 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


What was OxyClean, really?

Shit that doesn't work. Billy Mays was killed by those wacky CTs that think he was trying to swindle them out of their money. Oh, wait . . .
posted by IvoShandor at 3:05 AM on June 29, 2009


Mock if you want, but ...

Actually, I have no but.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:21 AM on June 29, 2009


So now the only thing stopping it is the presumed ethical behavior of giant pharma corporations?

I imagine that even eeeevil pharma people understand that they would enjoy being rich in this economy more than the Jeeves-please-steer-the-horse-and-buggy-around-the-five-billion-rotting-corpses one.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:25 AM on June 29, 2009


Best comment so far was the one from @weapons-grade pandemonium

I give him points just for staying out of eponysterical territory. How difficult that must have been.
posted by rokusan at 3:39 AM on June 29, 2009


I imagine that even eeeevil pharma people understand that they would enjoy being rich in this economy more than the Jeeves-please-steer-the-horse-and-buggy-around-the-five-billion-rotting-corpses one.

Well, presumably the expensive vaccine actually works, dig, so they can stop it anytime they like... until it mutates and gets out of control and then omigod ironic-plot-twist!

Five billion seems like a bit much... something like half a billion could make them rich enough to own half the world's nations. Basically, you need to hit "millions" in a nation that the Western media cares about... ideally the USA.

(Sorry, still script-vetting here. It's a reflex.)

Anyway, everyone knows it's really the trees that are plotting to kill us all. I mean duh.
posted by rokusan at 3:42 AM on June 29, 2009


These population-reduction conspiracy theories are hilarious. Yes, what the world elite secretly wants is an instant end to cheap labour. Then everything will be going their way.
posted by WPW at 3:42 AM on June 29, 2009 [6 favorites]


I'd give a damn about this if I hadn't already been mentally incapacitated by fluoride.
posted by orme at 3:56 AM on June 29, 2009


Ah, good, no mention of the underground submarine pens under the parking lot at work.

Doh!
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 4:06 AM on June 29, 2009


This whole story reminds my of a novel by Isaac Asimov, "The Winnowing" from the "Bicentennial Man" anthology.
posted by XiBe at 4:57 AM on June 29, 2009


I thought the plan was to throw people in volcanoes, then nuke them and take off in DC10-shaped spaceships. I mean, it's worked before.
posted by jamstigator at 5:00 AM on June 29, 2009 [6 favorites]


The dossier includes 'Evidence of the existence of the "Illuminati".'

Everyone in this thread is lolling, but this kind of stuff just depresses me. Presumably Jane Burgermeister has at times been a productive science journalist. Does she need mental health care now?
posted by Nelson at 5:25 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


WPW: "These population-reduction conspiracy theories are hilarious. Yes, what the world elite secretly wants is an instant end to cheap labour. Then everything will be going their way."

Bingo. A population-reduction program assumes that the elite are interested in some twisted but ultimately well-meaning attempt at stewardship through evil and genocide, and not just lording over the greatest number of subjects possible.

Why would they depopulate their own kingdom? They'd have to start mowing their own lawn again.
posted by Kadin2048 at 5:52 AM on June 29, 2009


Wasn't something similar a plot device in a Tom Clancy novel? Spread Ebola, sell vaccine that really is a means of spreading the virus further... everyone dies, genocidal ecowarriors inherit the Earth.
posted by knapah at 5:57 AM on June 29, 2009


Yes, what the world elite secretly wants is an instant end to cheap labour. Then everything will be going their way.

If anything, what would make the most sense (for wildly varying meanings of 'sense') would be a "Masque of the Red Death" scenario where the rich are threatened to the point of retreating into sealed compounds. Then the biological agent is released only in those compounds, effectively eliminating the upper strata of society and allowing the lower strata to migrate upward.

Of course, once I typed all that out, my mind shouted, A Canticle for Leibowitz, at me, so perhaps not.
posted by elfgirl at 6:28 AM on June 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


No, I think what makes the most sense is a Teletubbies scenario where tubby elites hunker down in an underground compound while rabbits hop around outside. Also, the one with the purse represents the homosexual agenda.
posted by fleetmouse at 6:38 AM on June 29, 2009


The least likely part of this, to me, is that all of these actors would cooperate the way it's being averred that they are.
posted by clockzero at 7:06 AM on June 29, 2009


The accusations I find myself having to defend President Obama from just keep getting more and more bizarre. This latest one--well, I think I'll just let this latest one stand. President Obama, clearly, is at the heart of an international conspiracy to commit genocide using a weaponized flu vaccine. And that's why the President had to order Michael Jackson killed. It just fits all the evidence too well not to be true.
posted by saulgoodman at 7:06 AM on June 29, 2009


This is not the average cup of crazy I like on Monday mornings. This is crazy with a triple shot of crazy.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:09 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is, without exaggeration, the best of the best of the best of the best of the web.
posted by Mister_A at 7:10 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is, without exaggeration, the best of the best of the best of the best of the web.

With honors, sir!
posted by elfgirl at 7:11 AM on June 29, 2009


Tinfoil. Where did I put it?
posted by marcocampos at 7:12 AM on June 29, 2009


She's fucking nuts.
posted by mike3k at 7:13 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


The EMP is where she got it wrong- that was MJ doing his final "Whoo-hoo!" causing glass to blast away from nearby houses and cars, before his soul transformed into a flying robot-jet thing and he took off.
posted by yeloson at 7:34 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


Hopefully, I can pass for Jewish so I'll get the real vaccination.

It'll help if you put on a thick Jackie Mason accent and throw in Yiddish wherever it might fit. "Oy, shmeggege, is this the right schvartze shot? [WINK LIKE SARAH PALIN HERE] I sure wouldn't want to get a bupkis up in my shul! [WINK MOAR]"

That'll fool 'em every time.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:51 AM on June 29, 2009 [2 favorites]


The Way You Make Me Feel [chortles] - oh, you.
posted by cavalier at 8:04 AM on June 29, 2009


You know who else was Austrian?

Mozart?
posted by blucevalo at 8:12 AM on June 29, 2009


Btw, Gorloj speaks Czech, and Czech will be the language of the new utopian human civilization.

If that's the case then get me outta here. Czech is one of the most godawful hard-as-hell-to-learn languages I've ever encountered.
posted by blucevalo at 8:15 AM on June 29, 2009


You know who else was From Austria?

Robert Musil.

I don't get this game. Oh, wait, is the right answer Schwarzenegger?
posted by From Bklyn at 8:24 AM on June 29, 2009


They're not planning to harm attractive people, right? I mean, nothing bad should ever happen to us.
posted by Mister_A at 8:28 AM on June 29, 2009


You know, the level of crazy out there is starting to scare me terrifying me more now than ever before. It's like street crazies are taking over the innernette.

Innoculations [sic]: The True Weapons Of Mass Destruction [infowars.com, click at risk to your sanity, but if you're feeling especially brave read the comments]

Rebecca Carley, MD, a Disgrace to Medicine

I make jokes, but it's really not funny how many scientifically and politically illiterate people read sites like Infowars and take it at face value.
posted by fleetmouse at 9:07 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


In light of these circumstances, I have to say your post was ill-advised.

Man, could you be more wrong?
posted by absalom at 9:24 AM on June 29, 2009


It was the reptiles, supported by the Illuminati, all hiding out in the Bermuda triangle. They're headed up by Elvis who has his HQ in a bus on the moon. Apparently. (And he works in the local chip shop.)
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 9:33 AM on June 29, 2009


Elvis would never have his HQ in a bus. Strictly nothing but a tricked-out mobile home with all the amenities for the King.
posted by blucevalo at 9:36 AM on June 29, 2009


You guys won't be laughing when it turns out she's right.

Because, y'know, you'll be dead and stuff.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:47 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is the worst thing Burgermeister's done since she outlawed toys.
posted by Legomancer at 9:48 AM on June 29, 2009 [5 favorites]


So do I wear this hat with the shiny side out, or shiny side in?
posted by sephira at 9:53 AM on June 29, 2009


Burgermeister

Robble robble robble.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:59 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


So do I wear this hat with the shiny side out, or shiny side in?

Shiny side out, to reflect the mind-reading waves. I thought everyone knew this.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:09 AM on June 29, 2009


The journalist really seems to be trying, but she completely failed to connect this to the Planet X/ reptilian super-race conspiracy.

How the hell am I supposed to take her seriously if she can't get basic and obvious connections like that documented?
posted by quin at 10:10 AM on June 29, 2009


Shiny side out, to reflect the mind-reading waves. I thought everyone knew this.

But if you wear it shiny side in, then your brainwaves stay in and keeps everyone from hearing your thoughts. Shiny side out just keeps them from controlling you.
posted by elfgirl at 10:12 AM on June 29, 2009


The obviously solution is two layers - the inner one, shine side in; the outer one, shiny side out.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:13 AM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


I work for an organization that seems to have a lot of appeal for the conspiracy theory crowd. And there really is a lady who wanders the grounds here wearing a tinfoil hat. I'll have to find her one day and see if she's shiny side out, shiny side in, or double layering it.

She's actually very nice when the voices aren't telling her to scream gibberish.
posted by sephira at 10:33 AM on June 29, 2009


The obviously solution is two layers

THAT'S JUST WHAT BIG TINFOIL WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:34 AM on June 29, 2009 [5 favorites]


Billy Mays was going to pitch all of us on the truth of this but the pilot of a U.S. Airways jet was instructed to perform an "accidental" hard landing and now Billy is no longer with us. Tragic for him and his family and now, apparently, tragic for all of us.
posted by juiceCake at 11:36 AM on June 29, 2009


THAT'S JUST WHAT BIG TINFOIL WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE!

You know, I never thought about this, but tinfoil is a great conductor. If anything, you'd think it'd facilitate reading thoughts and controlling brainwaves. So maybe Alcoa employees are posting "use tinfoil to block the thought rays!" on different message boards, while simultaneously broadcasting "BUY MORE TINFOIL!" from their secret radio tower in Area 51.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:42 AM on June 29, 2009


The idea is that it's a Faraday cage which requires a conductor. Cf. Tin-foil hat effectiveness.
posted by GuyZero at 11:57 AM on June 29, 2009


Like David Icke, she cloaks the delusions of schizophrenia in a thin veneer of professionalism. I hope she gets help.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:02 PM on June 29, 2009


So when does Stephen King sue for plagiarism?
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:29 PM on June 29, 2009


This is the worst thing Burgermeister's done since she outlawed toys.

Legomancer, I love you. Seriously, I'm considering spousing you ala Brandon Blatcher for this remark alone.

Plus, wasn't this scenario the plot of I am Legend, only the vaccine was for cancer rather than bird flu, and Will Smith played Michael Jackson's character?
posted by misha at 12:35 PM on June 29, 2009


Plus, wasn't this scenario the plot of I am Legend

One of the conspiracy theorists makes just that comparison in one of the youtube podcast things I heard - as though the plot device in a Will Smith movie makes real life vaccine mediated genocide more plausible.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:19 PM on June 29, 2009


(Also: Jane Burgermeister presented persuasive evidence that the quality fucking plummets when you go below the top few science writers.)

I’ll stick to the top few, then, to ensure quality fucking.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:33 PM on June 29, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's rumored that Dawkins in particular could suck the label off a bat.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:38 PM on June 29, 2009


Metafilter: Having a psychotic break rather than just doing it for the lulz.
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:44 PM on June 29, 2009


I'm a bit scared about this. I don't think the reporter has dug deep enough and there are still many unanswered question. Like Prince Phillip, what's his role, eh?? The British Royal family are behind this, I just have a feeling about that.
posted by wilful at 4:55 PM on June 29, 2009


"Everything was in place for the coup, and if the U.S. Embassy had approved it, it would have happened. But they did not. I'm only still here in office thanks to the United States,"

Last chance to straighten up or fly right asshole, or else the wolves and baddies might just happen to GETCHA!
posted by Sukiari at 10:41 PM on June 29, 2009


This is the best thing I have ever read. Hideo Kojima would be proud.

...Oh gods, one of you is Hideo Kojima! It's all your fault! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *Runs screaming out a window*
posted by Reth_Eldirood at 1:13 PM on July 7, 2009


"Sir, Reth Eldirood knows the secret."

"Good. Everything is going according to plan."

"Yes, Mr. President."
posted by grobstein at 2:33 PM on July 7, 2009


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