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A People's Guide to Better Living
July 20, 2009 10:42 PM   Subscribe

How to Get Rid of Things — a do-it-yourself guide dedicated to helping you prevent, eliminate or remove common annoyances from your life. For example: How to Get Rid of Voles. "Once you have the vole in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."

How to Get Rid of Love Bites — Kayan neck rings; the best defense against love bites.

How to Get Rid of Goth Kids — Unlike an itchy nose when you're unable to scratch it, Goths tend to go away when ignored.

How to Get Rid of Cat Urine — Sorry hippies, all the Nag Champa in India won't cover up that smell.

And many more...
posted by netbros (34 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
Is it wrong that the first thing I searched for is Jews? What does that say about me?
posted by allen.spaulding at 10:52 PM on July 20, 2009 [3 favorites]


You know who else wanted to... never mind.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:00 PM on July 20, 2009 [4 favorites]


They left off a great way of getting rid of voles: golden retriever. I speak with firsthand knowledge.

My three year old golden retriver gulping down a squirming vole because she thought I might try to take her "treat" away was not something I was at all prepared to see that day, let me tell you.
posted by imabanana at 11:03 PM on July 20, 2009


They're SEO arseholes, writing like arseholes. Cute.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:07 PM on July 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


So AskMe is basically this, but more "How to get rid of dead bodies/relationships"?
posted by Avenger at 11:18 PM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Once you have the SO in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."
posted by XMLicious at 11:21 PM on July 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


Sadly, they don't know how to get rid of hippies, lawyers or emos.
posted by pwnguin at 11:30 PM on July 20, 2009


"Once you have the SO in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."

"Once you have the taters in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."

I solemnly swear to never mention taters ever again.
posted by clearly at 11:51 PM on July 20, 2009


"Once you have the taters in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."

I wouldn't do that, squeeze too hard and bam! Herpes.
posted by smoke at 11:55 PM on July 20, 2009


Out here we have an aerial service which removes voles. The best way to enlist them in that endeavor is mow your hayfield; it takes me about eight hours to mow ten acres, and over that period a single pair of red-tailed hawks carried away 16 voles that I saw. Mind, I expect voles probably have a population density of tens per acre so sixteen probably doesn't even make a dent. Impressive, though.

I'm trying to imagine what the hawk's nest looked like. They'd be eating leftover vole for weeks.
posted by maxwelton at 12:07 AM on July 21, 2009 [6 favorites]


I looked up "human emotions." Nothing. This site will not help me.
posted by bicyclefish at 12:21 AM on July 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Once you have the SO in hand, simply squeeze until you hear the pop."
posted by equalpants at 12:22 AM on July 21, 2009


Okay, what does SEO mean?

In reference to the Meta thread on new user contributions, mine seems to be asking questions on behalf of all those saying "What?"

Also, if you want to see something "pop" try searching Youtube for "blackhead" or "pimple"! What fun!
posted by Partario at 12:41 AM on July 21, 2009


The Saint Paul Media, Inc. portfolio is funnier.
posted by tellurian at 12:43 AM on July 21, 2009


Partario - SEO.
posted by tellurian at 12:45 AM on July 21, 2009


allen.spaulding: I realize you were trying to be funny, but really. Not cool.
posted by zachlipton at 12:54 AM on July 21, 2009 [4 favorites]


Red-tailed hawks like voles, eh?

*makes a note for the next meetup*
posted by Pronoiac at 1:42 AM on July 21, 2009


Once you have the wang in hand, simply squeeze until... no, I'm sorry, I can't finish this sentence.
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:34 AM on July 21, 2009 [1 favorite]



Chose not to read it. But did it describe a method for eliminating trolls and superfluous comments?
posted by notreally at 4:33 AM on July 21, 2009


Red-tailed hawks like voles, eh?

Explains why we don't have any. We have a nesting pair in our backyard. (We have a dearth of squirrels, too.)
posted by elfgirl at 4:49 AM on July 21, 2009


I mean really, I can't tell anymore - Rapid Fire Street Level Apologetics "There are many challenges facing Catholics today, but perhaps none are more distressing than ‘Bible Only’ Christians who seem to have the whole Bible memorized."
posted by tellurian at 5:23 AM on July 21, 2009


The one for getting rid of loneliness presumes one has a boyfriend, girlfriend, or friends. Fat lot of good that does me.
posted by idiopath at 5:23 AM on July 21, 2009


Also, if you want to see something "pop" try searching Youtube for "blackhead" or "pimple"! What fun !

Oh. My. God.
posted by item at 5:45 AM on July 21, 2009


How to get rid of voles?

Look hungry.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:34 AM on July 21, 2009


Careful when you mess with voles.
posted by Phanx at 6:52 AM on July 21, 2009


Also: voles.
posted by idiopath at 7:12 AM on July 21, 2009


The one for getting rid of loneliness presumes one has a boyfriend, girlfriend, or friends.

"...simply squeeze until you hear the pop."
posted by elfgirl at 7:23 AM on July 21, 2009


I had to google "vole" to figure out what you guys were talking about.
posted by tryniti at 7:29 AM on July 21, 2009


FUCKING HELL METAFILTER WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME
posted by mippy at 8:29 AM on July 21, 2009


Seems like a majority of the articles are in the Beauty and Physical Health section. And they also link to this rather dubious site on the homepage. I smell an SEO site designed to get people to buy Witch Hazel.
posted by lholladay at 9:40 AM on July 21, 2009


Phanx, these voles of which you speak... they have a very very funny web site, there,

"Voles were able to impose their wills upon human composers with alarming ease and forced them to use sacred Vole rhythm patterns and harmonic techniques. Dominant Seventh chords, thought at one stage to be tools of the Devil, are now known to be tools of Voles. Many human composers became so possessed by the near-crazed state brought about by the Vole music that they would frequently forget their own identities and start crawling around in the grass making shrill squeaking noises."
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:03 PM on July 21, 2009


I now know why J.K. Rowling named her chief bad guy Voledemort.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:30 PM on July 21, 2009


zachlipton - did you* really think I'm a bigot? That I would come here and say that I was trying to exterminate Jews and wonder what that said about me? You couldn't possible look at my profile, see both a Groucho Marx and a Woody Allen reference and think just maybe I'm one of those, you know, neurotic Jews who thinks the world is out to get them? That I was embarrassed that I had to make sure that Jews weren't seen as voles on this site? Man, I wonder what kind of world you live in.

[Not "did you" but "jew." I distinctly heard him say]
posted by allen.spaulding at 2:24 PM on July 21, 2009


How to get rid of kidney stones? They will eventually pass thorough my vagina if I am patient. Not in this world.
posted by jfwlucy at 9:18 AM on July 22, 2009


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