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Company Denies its Robots Feed on the Dead
July 22, 2009 7:28 PM   Subscribe

Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. and Robotic Technology Inc. have sent out a press release denying that their new robot will feed on the dead. "It's a vegetarian!", they claim. Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI. “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.
posted by dejah420 (48 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
Previously
posted by burnmp3s at 7:35 PM on July 22, 2009


It's war. These things happen.
posted by darth_tedious at 7:37 PM on July 22, 2009


My favorite, personally, is the poop making robot.
posted by idiopath at 7:39 PM on July 22, 2009


burnmp3s, I don't think "previously" in a comment counts as a "double-post". None of these urls came up in a search before I posted. I didn't see that thread or that comment and it didn't come up in a search. But flag it, and let a mod make the call, I guess.
posted by dejah420 at 7:41 PM on July 22, 2009


Is there a term for stuff happening in the real world that seems like it's something out of a sci-fi novel? I like Futureshock but that term doesn't really imply this weird sense of dejavu.
posted by delmoi at 7:49 PM on July 22, 2009


This is my second-favorite press release of all time, right after the British MoD's carefully worded denial concerning man-eating badgers.

Also, we live in the future.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:52 PM on July 22, 2009 [3 favorites]


IT'S PEOPLE! Err, well, it's a robot but it's EATING PEOPLE!
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:56 PM on July 22, 2009


A better press release would have been, "You saw something about military technology on Fox News and you believed it?", followed by about three minutes of belly laughs.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 8:00 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Une armée marche à son estomac.
Les robots marchent à les estomacs de l'armée.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:03 PM on July 22, 2009 [10 favorites]


Safe Harbor Statement
Certain statements in this news release may contain forward-looking information within the meaning of Rule 175 under the Securities Act of 1933 and Rule 3b-6 under the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, and are subject to the safe harbor created by those rules. All statements, other than statements of fact, included in this release, including, without limitation, statements regarding potential future plans and objectives of the company, are forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties. There can be no assurance that such statements will prove to be accurate and actual results and future events could differ materially from those anticipated in such statements. The company cautions that these forward-looking statements are further qualified by other factors. The company undertakes no obligation to publicly update or revise any statements in this release, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.

posted by finite at 8:07 PM on July 22, 2009 [3 favorites]


So the robots eat crops, leaving the local population to starve in the fields. As the bodies decompose, they fertilize the soil, increasing the yield of next year's crop.

More scientific doublespeak.
posted by logicpunk at 8:09 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Zombie Skynet.
posted by nihraguk at 8:10 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Have the robots signed on to the Geneva Conventions? Would they do it in binary?
posted by Balisong at 8:21 PM on July 22, 2009


Well, let's be fair. The robots did not agree to the Geneva Convention (clever devils), so it seems wrong of us to hold them to it now.
posted by rokusan at 8:21 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]


Shit. Now what am I gonna do with all these corpses?
posted by klangklangston at 8:35 PM on July 22, 2009


what




Is this just a clever marketing ploy? The old "Our product doesn't really feast on the flesh of the dead" routine?
posted by flotson at 8:43 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]


So the robots eat crops, leaving the local population to starve in the fields. As the bodies decompose, they fertilize the soil, increasing the yield of next year's crop. leave more food for the very adaptive robots.

FTFY
posted by shoebox at 8:44 PM on July 22, 2009


Cause in that case I've got some property in Florida I'd like to tell you about. That isn't really built on the ruins of an old Indian burial ground.
posted by flotson at 8:47 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Surely this...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 8:50 PM on July 22, 2009


Is there a term for stuff happening in the real world that seems like it's something out of a sci-fi novel? I like Futureshock but that term doesn't really imply this weird sense of dejavu.

I've felt that way for a while, but "future shock" does it for me nicely. I still find it hard to believe there's an actual, growing religion that believes a space alien called Xemu dumped frozen aliens in the volcanoes of Hawaii. I mean really. Say what?
posted by dunkadunc at 8:58 PM on July 22, 2009


I know that if I were developing a carnivourous kill-o-bot, this is just the sort of press release I'd put out.

(oh, and I, for one...)

That said, I love how murderous robots are unremarkable these days, but ones that clean up after themselves are robota non grata.
posted by pompomtom at 9:00 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]


I think I'm more against getting killed than I am against having my dead body eaten. Funny how the last part is the more objectionable bit.
posted by ODiV at 9:10 PM on July 22, 2009


“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

I can hardly believe someone actually said this and it's not just an excerpt from a Neal Stephenson novel.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:11 PM on July 22, 2009 [5 favorites]


Recently I've been trading exclamations of "How the future is that?!" It'll do til a real word comes along.
posted by sixswitch at 9:17 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Guess we'll all have to go back to being smart from the very beginning.
posted by No-sword at 9:31 PM on July 22, 2009


This worries me. Lately my Roomba doesn't seem as enthusiastic about vacuuming my carpet. Maybe it's plotting against me. I hear it going off on its own late at night sometimes. In the morning it stinks of cigars and liquor and cheap whores. I worry about where it's been.

Come to think of it, I should probably stop smoking and drinking with cheap whores on my carpet.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:40 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Robo-Ethicists Want to Revamp Asimov’s 3 Laws
posted by homunculus at 9:42 PM on July 22, 2009


A better press release would have been, "You saw something about military technology on Fox News and you believed it?", followed by about three minutes of belly laughs.

[strike]
[/strike]

Challenge:

See if you can make LOALZ out of these raw materials.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:47 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also, the robot sounds fine, but I think the typography in that pdf may qualify as a war crime.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:49 PM on July 22, 2009


heh...just had a funny thought...what if every product advertised its disdain for feasting on human flesh...

"The Roomba! We swear it won't eat your cat when you're not looking!"

"The all-new Ford Focus: no longer runs on human corpses...not like that ravenous Toyota Prius! That thing's a monster!"

"no graves were desecrated in the making of this carton of Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice!"
posted by sexyrobot at 10:56 PM on July 22, 2009 [3 favorites]


burnmp3s, I don't think "previously" in a comment counts as a "double-post".

When the previous post's tag set is "corpses / zombies / robots / outofcontrolmilitary / batshitinsane", and only four words for its article description, it sure isn't going to come up on any searches. I say delete the previous one, not this one.
posted by crapmatic at 11:23 PM on July 22, 2009


It's good to have both robot and human perspectives on this story.
posted by lukemeister at 11:34 PM on July 22, 2009


twoleftfeet: HEY! How did you get your Roomba to run on dead hookers? Normally when you try to use a Roomba to get rid of them, it gets stuck on the hair and stops working. Uh... Or so I heard.
posted by qvantamon at 11:54 PM on July 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is a followup to the previous post, from last week, a thread that's still open.
posted by Pronoiac at 1:17 AM on July 23, 2009


Now I am imagining the Ghouldozer, a dead black behemoth with two spade-like scoops mounted on it. Scanning open WiFi hotspots for local news carrying obituaries, then folding itself up to look like a Dumpster in shadow. Sight of the yellow flashing light atop a funeral convoy drives it mad with desire, but it will wait, carefully, until midnight when it can rumble to life and lumber heedlessly through wrought-iron gates to raid still-raw earth for the corpsefuel it so desperately craves.

The next morning, the groundskeeper is treated to smashed mausoleums, open pits with splintered coffins, and the remnants of an oily black smoke whose soot-marks have a greasy quality he dare not contemplate while he scrubs it off nearby tombstones.

Now if I can only find a market for this thing to fulfill.
posted by adipocere at 2:59 AM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


It begins.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 5:29 AM on July 23, 2009


Collateral munch, smack, swallow damage.
posted by acro at 5:46 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I've seen this movie.

Come to think of it, are we sure this isn't a viral campaign for the next Michael Bay blockbuster?

Transformers 3: The Zombicons Strke Back
posted by zarq at 5:54 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Pffft.... Old news (2006)....
posted by jkaczor at 7:38 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


They need to embrace this. Think of the applications. Instead of cremating your loved one you could feed it to a giant Robojesus to power His illuminated heart.

What sounds better, "Let's get dressed up and go down to the cemetery and bury Dad." or "Let's go down to the coliseum and feed Dad's body to TRUCKASAURUS and watch it do battle with BIGFOOT!"
posted by zinc saucier at 9:09 AM on July 23, 2009


klangklangston: "Shit. Now what am I gonna do with all these corpses?"

First, be smart from the very beginning...
posted by mindless progress at 9:17 AM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


A friend posted this to me: Cracked ran an article using this story to gauge comment stupidity. (Cracked...I know, I know...but the comments are pretty hysterical.)
posted by dejah420 at 9:37 AM on July 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


dejah420,

Since Cracked didn't include MetaFilter, I guess we'll never know how we stack up against Yahoo! Answers.
posted by lukemeister at 9:54 AM on July 23, 2009


Pffft.... Old news (2006)....

actually, the news is even older (2001)...meet slugbot.
posted by sexyrobot at 1:54 PM on July 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have to say that I'm quite disappointed that carnivorous jumbo squid aren't man-eaters. They'd probably fare well against Slugbot, though.
posted by lukemeister at 8:59 AM on July 24, 2009


On this week's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me:

We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission ...
at this time
.
posted by lukemeister at 1:05 PM on July 25, 2009


US Air Force says decision-making attack drones will be here by 2047
posted by homunculus at 10:34 AM on July 30, 2009


Robots 'Evolve' the Ability to Deceive

Never trust a toaster.
posted by homunculus at 10:31 AM on August 20, 2009


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