Chuck Norris and his biggest challenge

August 12, 2009 5:32 PM

Chuck Norris opens beer cans by biting off the top. If Chuck Norris runs into a bear in the woods, the bear flees in terror. Chuck Norris is legendary, to say the least. But how will he fare in his greatest challenge? Chuck Norris is now blogging about politics.
posted by Chocolate Pickle (63 comments total)

And may God have mercy on his soul, the poor bastard.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 5:32 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

Chuck Norris: a one man death panel.
posted by peeedro at 5:34 PM on August 12 [8 favorites]

The nation you are called to lead is experiencing a growing swell of conspirators who are convinced that you are covering up something.
posted by brundlefly at 5:35 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

Let this be a valuable lesson to you, internets!
posted by absalom at 5:35 PM on August 12

Yeah, in his most recent post he turned a voluntary, in-home parenting program into the government "coming into homes and usurping parental rights over child care and development." Same shit, different asshole.
posted by Huck500 at 5:41 PM on August 12

Looks like he's been writing a (roughly) weekly editorial since November of 2007.
posted by billysumday at 5:41 PM on August 12

I'll believe he can sneeze with his eyes open before I'll believe he actually writes this.
posted by Saddo at 5:42 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris is kind of a dick.
posted by felix betachat at 5:44 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
posted by C17H19NO3 at 5:47 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

Chuck Norris is full of shit. His entire career was based on the premise that if you kick enough people in the head, everything will turn out peachy keen. He has never been associated with anything that wasn't idiotic garbage.
posted by wadefranklin at 5:52 PM on August 12 [10 favorites]

I'm about as interested in Chuck Norris' thoughts on politics as I am interested in Henry Waxman's thoughts on martial arts.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:57 PM on August 12 [13 favorites]

He has never been associated with anything that wasn't idiotic garbage.

But he kicks things real good! And he's a devout Christian who stands up to socialist Muslim thugs who want to take away your guns. He's good people.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:57 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris had only one Achilles' Heel: He believed his own PR.
posted by ardgedee at 5:58 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

He lost me at "I agree with CNN's Lou Dobbs", which admittedly, was a lot later than I was expecting.
posted by saturnine at 5:58 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

What a tool.
posted by exogenous at 5:59 PM on August 12

He has never been associated with anything that wasn't idiotic garbage.

I'm sorry. Did you just call Bruce Lee "idiotic garbage?" Because there's going to be trouble if you did.
posted by The World Famous at 5:59 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

And may God have mercy on his soul, the poor bastard.

? Just another actor taking advantage of the soapbox society gives public figures.

More power to him and his idiot fellow travelers; his column fits right in with the others at clownhall.
posted by @troy at 6:03 PM on August 12

Oh how I would love it if it turned out he had a Mefi account.....I'd provide the popcorn!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:03 PM on August 12

Oh how I would love it if it turned out he had a Mefi account.....I'd provide the popcorn!

As it turns out, in the world of Metafilter, Metafilter's Own asavage already possesses all of the mythical powers of Chuck Norris, and Metafilter's Own cnorris just ends up getting his chest hair pulled out and tossed to the wind.
posted by The World Famous at 6:07 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

OK. I don't know what I was thinking, but I clicked on the link.

First, I got a bunch of popups, for Netflix and such. Really? Well, whatever. Then, I get another popup advertising Michelle Malkin's new book. That, I kind of expect, but it seems a bit duplicitous to write a book called "The Culture of Corruption" with Obama's picture on it before he's even gotten us involved with one illegal war. I mean, come on, I expect better from my corruption.

After the popups have been banished to the nether realm from whence they came, I see an ad featuring a buxom blonde girl wearing a t-shirt with the banner "I'd rather be waterboarding." Now, I'm not the most liberal guy in the room, although I am reluctant to label myself a conservative because that now apparently means "nut job." But really? Let's make light of torture? We executed the Japanese for doing that, but now it's t-shirt fodder for the right.

So I'm afraid I can't bring myself to read what Chuck Norris thinks of "ObamaCare" or whatever.
posted by me & my monkey at 6:08 PM on August 12 [4 favorites]

He's had a column for years.

I'm about as interested in Chuck Norris' thoughts on politics as I am interested in Henry Waxman's thoughts on martial arts.

I'm much more interested in Henry Waxman's thoughts on martial arts, particularly the soft variety.
posted by mrgrimm at 6:08 PM on August 12

I love it when ignorant idiots argue aggressively that they know better than the experts on a topic.
posted by oddman at 6:17 PM on August 12

Haven't we done this already? I know I've seen his columns linked, usually with a "I'm very flattered, but my tears don't cure cancer. Jesus's tears do, however" buncha bullshit.

I mean, Chuck Norris, check your mailbox already—we liked you ironically. We'd get stoned and watch the dumbshit Bagger Vance of Madison County or whatever the fuck your sheriff show was called, then Conan O'Brien started showing clips, and then it was, like, that most vacuous of ironic appreciation, where we remember shit that used to be stupid. I "love" Norris like I "love" that time that Peter B. totally pissed himself while he slept over at Peter R.'s house and had to leave early in the morning. Remember that?
posted by klangklangston at 6:22 PM on August 12 [2 favorites]

Old 'n' Busted: Chuck-Norris-as-indestructible-superhero meme.

New Hotness: Julia-Child-as-indestructible-superhero meme

(e.g.: Julia Child once killed a man just for snoring. But she saved his liver and used it in a recipe on "Cooking With Master Chefs'.)
posted by spoobnooble at 6:22 PM on August 12 [9 favorites]

George W Bush was all hat and no cattle. Chuck Norris could just about play George W Bush on TV.
posted by DU at 6:26 PM on August 12 [2 favorites]

If he doesn't stop acting so fucking brain damaged, it'll be the death panel for him.
posted by Lord_Pall at 6:32 PM on August 12

We did not execute the Japanese for waterboarding. We sentenced them to hard labor, upwards of 10 years, I believe.

When countering lies, it is imperative that you retort with absolute truth.
posted by absalom at 6:34 PM on August 12

We sentenced them to hard labor, upwards of 10 years, I believe.

"Japanese were tried and convicted and hung for war crimes committed against American POWs. Among those charges for which they were convicted was waterboarding" -- John McCain via MediaMatters.
posted by @troy at 6:45 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

My god, that website is like a focal point for hate and all that is wrong with the world.

From the pretty blonde advertising the "I'd rather be waterboarding" shirt to the ad for Michelle Makin's book which is already 'dishing the dirt' on the culture of corruption in the barely-one-year-old Obama administration (how long did it take her to research, write, edit, fact check, proof read and publish that thing... a week???), one would be forgiven for thinking that all the light and warmth that may exist in this world has been forever removed and beaten to death after spending only a few minutes there and reading anything it has to offer.

On the subject of death, here's a quote from the website;

"Chuck Norris is a columnist and impossible to kill."

That almost sounds like a challenge.
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:49 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

"Japanese were tried and convicted and hung for war crimes committed against American POWs. Among those charges for which they were convicted was waterboarding" -- John McCain via MediaMatters.

"I think she's most qualified of any that has run recently for vice president, tell you the truth." -- John McCain referring to Sarah Palin, in an interview with Don Imus, Oct. 22, 2008.

So, yeah, maybe a fact check is still in order on that one.
posted by Cyrano at 6:52 PM on August 12

Weak. If you wanted to make a decent FPP & not just use this as a vehicle for Chuck's most recent screed, you could have at least gone through his blog's archives & pulled out some examples of his opinions. It probably still would've sucked but at least you'd have put some effort into it.
posted by scalefree at 6:53 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

We did not execute the Japanese for waterboarding. We sentenced them to hard labor, upwards of 10 years, I believe.

There seems to be some dispute about that:

Kenji Dohihara, Seishiro Itagaki, Heitaro Kimura, Akira Muto, and Hideki Tojo, the IMTFE defendants who were convicted on Count 54 (ordering, authorizing, and permitting commission of war crimes including, inter alia, torture), were all sentenced to death by hanging.

And the British executed Kempetai commander Sumida for the torture of civilians in Singapore; during the trial, waterboarding was described specifically.
posted by me & my monkey at 6:54 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]

I suddenly feel the distinct urge to kick something.
posted by uraniumwilly at 6:56 PM on August 12

It probably still would've sucked but at least you'd have put some effort into it.

As long as our friends on the right are reduced to blogging and not policy determination I could care less.
posted by @troy at 6:56 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris needs to stick to kicking people in the head on camera, short people who are specifically cast so that we don't notice how short he is. And of course running the fights at half speed and then speeding it up in post. That I would be fine with.
He needs to shut the hell up about politics, because some asshole is gonna think he knows what he is talking about and listen to him... fail.
posted by MrBobaFett at 7:05 PM on August 12

From his bio on the website:

A genuine Internet phenomenon, Chuck Norris has become the subject of countless Paul Bunyan-type fictional “facts” of his exploits, submitted by fans.

His...fans, you say? That's your queue, old friend: play him off.
posted by youarenothere at 7:12 PM on August 12 [2 favorites]

This is why my wife refuses to read about celebrities. Chuck Norris was awesome when he was just a collection of bad 80s movies and True Chuck Norris facts.
posted by bpm140 at 7:12 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris is also a raging fundie who thinks we atheists shouldn't be citizens. He's a wacko piece of shit, and people who even remotely think he's anything other than that strike me as either uninformed or scary.

Martial arts celebrities generally strike me as having been kicked in the head so much they've lost their brains.
posted by kldickson at 7:19 PM on August 12

The bear didn't flee in terror, it's just sick of the same bullshit, again and again and again...
Somewhere in New York City, a bear sits in a tiny studio apartment, typing up its masterwork: a novel titled 2084.
posted by Humanzee at 7:24 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

He needs to shut the hell up about politics, because some asshole is gonna think he knows what he is talking about and listen to him... fail.

He's not any more wrong than the rest of the right blogosphere. Let's just face the fact that we're going to be stuck with 30% +/- of the population being total dumbfucks and go from that.
posted by @troy at 7:24 PM on August 12 [2 favorites]

Sheesh, let Texas secede, peacefully. Fine, just fucking go already.
posted by Scoo at 7:31 PM on August 12

See, I got this far:

I hardly can believe that individuals are offering bounties -- one for $100,000 -- for any personal witness or sufficient evidence to your American birth.

And I was completely "oh, wow, somewhat rational. Way to deliver the unexpected, Norris-san. You are reclaiming my respect, one step at a time".

And then he goes onto the whole "I agree with Lou Dobbs" angle, and I'm all "someone roundhoused your intellect in the 80s, huh?".

I'm also impressed by his consistency - every article is rated four ticks! Way to satisfy the base, Chuck. I can call you Chuck, right?
posted by djgh at 7:33 PM on August 12

Huh, and we thought his stance on Obama was batshitinsane. From the bio at the bottom:

Chuck Norris is one of the most enduringly popular actors in the world.
posted by djgh at 7:34 PM on August 12

But really? Let's make light of torture? We executed the Japanese for doing that, but now it's t-shirt fodder for the right.

Okay, somehow I thought Japanese had been executed for making light of torture. I thought that was a bit extreme. Glad I read it wrong.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:41 PM on August 12

He has never been associated with anything that wasn't idiotic garbage.

Besides The Return (Way) of the Dragon, which is premo Bruce Lee, he was in Silent Rage. Wikipedia doesn't do it justice, because it's basically Chuck Norris doing spinning kicks to this dudes head throughout the whole movie. The guy is invulnerable though and it doesn't matter what the hell Chuck does, he keeps coming back to life. Fantastic movie.

Now that I'm thinking about it, that movie is kind of an analogy for his career. He does some really lame mov(i)e, knocks his career down a notch possibly killing it. Then, miraculously, it pops back up ready to dish out more BS.
posted by P.o.B. at 7:48 PM on August 12

Ha. Charles Nelson Reilly has Chuck Norris stuffed and mounted on his wall.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 7:48 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris:
Columns, Opinion, Views, Issues

Chuck Norris has only one of those four things.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:02 PM on August 12

The right wing has the lamest spokespeople. Chuck Norris? Who cares.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:06 PM on August 12

Umm... He's not blogging, he's writing conservative columns for right-wing publications. And he's been doing this for three years now.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:22 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris is so powerful, I hear his turds are used as currency among right-wing retards.
posted by Ratio at 8:33 PM on August 12

Jesus, what complete trash.
posted by dr. moot at 8:34 PM on August 12

So I'm afraid I can't bring myself to read what Chuck Norris thinks of "ObamaCare" or whatever.

He's against it.
posted by Bonzai at 8:49 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]

If Julia Child & Charles Nelson Reilly were alive today, Chuck Norris would say "Yes ma'am, yes sir" and shut up. It must be noted that this superficial celebrity is doing an average job with Right-Wing commentary, while Left-Wing superficial celebrities are the laughing stock of intelligent Liberalism. Not saying he's any smarter than Alec Baldwin, just that the bar he has to get over is... well, lying on the ground.
posted by wendell at 8:56 PM on August 12

Walker told me I have AIDS.

I hate to imagine what Chuck Norris would tell me about my health care options.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:30 PM on August 12

Chuck Norris is a god-damned retard, and I'll tell you why. I was in the car a while back, with the AM on, and he was a guest on Colmes' radio show. He was exercised about the House not voting his way on some thing or another. Probably TARP or something else involving targeting federal money to specific districts.

Norris:  But they're just voting for this because money will go to their districts!

Colmes:  Well, their job is to vote in the best interests of the residents of their district.

Norris:  They should be representing the entire state, Alan!  That's my point!

Colmes:  Chuck, we have Senators for that.


*fucking crickets*

posted by trondant at 10:50 PM on August 12 [5 favorites]

Chuck Norris does not take a shit. Chuck Norris is a piece of shit.
posted by hypersloth at 1:04 AM on August 13 [2 favorites]

it's never a good idea for a celebrity whose very livelihood depends on people liking him enough to spend money on the enjoyment of his work to put potentially objectionable content out there. chuck norris will turn off democrats the way mel gibson turned off the clinically sane and tom cruise hurt the non-hubbard crowd. there is a reason bruce willis doesn't often publicly confirm he's a die-hard (sorry, I had to) republican.
posted by krautland at 4:45 AM on August 13

Chuck Norris is so powerful he can Godpunch his way through the time-space continuum and make the "Chuck Norris" meme retroactively uncool.
posted by WCityMike at 5:25 AM on August 13 [2 favorites]

Michelle Malkin's book ... (how long did it take her to research, write, edit, fact check, proof read and publish that thing...

How long did it take her to what now?
posted by grubi at 6:54 AM on August 13 [3 favorites]

I'm so glad the Internet has extended this asshole's 15 minutes. Next, let's make Lynndie England a meme, LOL!
posted by Legomancer at 9:09 AM on August 13

Chocolate Pickle: But how will he fare in his greatest challenge?

If anyone can kick Chuck Norris' ass, it's Chuck Norris.
posted by Decimask at 11:24 AM on August 13

I'm sorry. Did you just call Bruce Lee "idiotic garbage?" Because there's going to be trouble if you did.

Getting the crap kicked out of him by Bruce Lee: the only thing Chuck Norris did that wasn't idiotic garbage.
posted by nudar at 5:09 PM on August 13

I don't even have to read anything Chuck writes to know that it will simply convince me that he is an even bigger asshat than I already believe him to be.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 11:04 AM on August 14