My son said "I love you, sir" for the first time. I slapped him and sent him away, then stood at my study window, mustache wet with tears. posted by zerobyproxy at 5:20 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]
OK, one more time: GIN is made with BERRIES. BERRIES go on CEREAL. What the fuck are they teaching you at that kindergarten anyway.
9:52 AM Jan 28th from web
I actually LOL'd at that. Why haven't I heard of this guy before? posted by R_Nebblesworth at 5:20 PM on August 25
howd i gett wine biottles stuck on evry goddaam fingr
That's a very amusing image. posted by Askiba at 5:24 PM on August 25
Oh, yay! I'm already following fireland on Twitter. Great imagery in 140 words? Ur doing it right. posted by misha at 5:55 PM on August 25
I think up hilarious shit for twitter all the time, but I don't post it because I despise my followers. posted by digsrus at 5:59 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]
*unfollows digsrus* posted by misha at 6:02 PM on August 25
Pretty funny. If he can't keep it up, do his followers get to say that his old tweets were soo much better? posted by defenestration at 6:10 PM on August 25
Ha your baby sure can take a punch good stuff. posted by vito90 at 6:24 PM on August 25
whenever I tweet something even remotely witty or fanciful, it's like there's a prize for the fastest reply that steps on the joke,with bonus points for replying with a stupid literal question.
Which is probably a good indicator that either I'm nowhere near as funny as this person, or my friends are really dumb. posted by billyfleetwood at 9:08 PM on August 25
It kills me that twitter is down right now. Is that part of the joke? posted by feloniousmonk at 9:37 PM on August 25
Help, I can't stop favoriting almost all of them. posted by Brainy at 10:05 PM on August 25
"Oh, so this was just a one-time thing? Fine, whatever. Go back out there and throw the bouquet. Wait, your veil's caught in my nipple ring."
Amazing find. Allen is the end of the rainbow for short short form comedy. Finally I've found a reason to visit and use Twitter. Allen even sounds like I thought he would—his now defunct podcast on fireland.com. posted by Glee at 2:15 AM on August 26
Yes, I know I'm late to the game, but I just have to go on record on saying how much I've loved many of these. I have officially decided to stop trying to be funny on twitter because there's no way I can reach such great heights as these. This guy officially made my day yesterday, and he keeps doing it today.
Hm, looks like Grandpa learned how to send text messages. And somehow managed to misspell "fag." posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:47 AM on August 26
These are really good. It made me wonder if Jack Handey might have a twitter account, so I checked, and Bingo! (Sadly, I think they're all repeats. But check it out: web site!) posted by Atom Eyes at 11:00 AM on August 26 [1 favorite has favorites]
Flowers, sailor suit, flask, proof of employment, Ativan. OK, I think I'm ready for Mother's Day.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
Almost a week since the Gay Pride Parade and I'm still finding sequins in my underwear and runaways on my futon.
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*smashes follow button*
posted by tylerfulltilt at 4:55 PM on August 25