It’s a set-up to present the seemingly-simple idea that a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
mostly because the dress people choose to wear at work is worn because they don't want to get attention for what they're wearing.
Depends on where and with whom you work. For me, yes. For some of the men and women in my office, definitely not.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
"Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, "We're afraid of being killed."
Predictable as the sunrise, some man somewhere in a discussion on misogyny, sexism, and rape will say, "But you'd get progress on all of this/more allies/more sympathy/whatever if only you didn't speak so angrily!" Surprise, being the object of this hateful culture pisses women off. Dealing with clueless males trying on their new, brilliant argument that women have only heard for the 5,675th time this week is annoying and tiring. And when you, the man, demand that woman modulate her tone to you when she is talking about how misogyny/sexism/rape makes them feel, you are asserting your privileged "right" to control the conversation.
You are asking women to cater to your wishes. In a discussion about women. What is that if not male privilege?
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
Children need to be taught from the very beginning that self determination and bodily integrity is not just a moral or religious thing, but a HUMAN RIGHTS thing – and the right education can program in the survival instincts that very well could save her life.
I was raised to be quiet, sweet, cooperative, submissive and respectful. Not bad things to be, in the right place, the right time, the right context. The problem is, no one taught me any OTHER way to be, like empowered, strong, feisty, angry, loud or stubborn. No one taught me how to read context, either. I never told anyone when I was raped, because I’d been taught that if it happened it must somehow be my fault.
This will NOT happen with my daughter. I started teaching her to define her own boundaries before she could even talk. The first baby-sign she learned was “enough”. (boths hands palm out in the “stop” position, and wave back and forth) This was incredibly useful at meal times, but even more useful when we started tickling her. She LOVES being ticked, but like everyone she’d start to get over stimulated. She would sign “enough” and we would stop and take our hands away. Consistently, every. single. time. She learned that she had a way of saying NO that was respected, and that created an incredible bond of trust. To this day, she still loves the Tickle Monster attacks, and still says “enough”.
When she was three, I started teaching her about context, and knowing who to trust. She had a Hello Kitty stuffie that was bigger than she was. I could crouch behind it, holding a candy in the Kitty’s paws, waving it enticingly in the air. I specifically chose her favorite kitty, because anyone can spot a bad guy in a black hat and cape, twirling his mustache and cackling with glee. Bad guys can be men, women, children, rabbis, teachers, strangers or family.
I ask her if she wants candy. She says “No thank you, my mommy gives me candy.” I tell her “Your mommy says it’s OK, it’s kosher candy.” Oooh, this is a hard one. I see it in her eyes. She really wants that candy. She starts to reach for it. I pull back and put the kitty down. I tell her that the answer is “Let me go get my mommy to check the wrapper.” and then RUN to find me. Then comes the hard one.
I crouch behind the kitty, and reach out and grab her wrist. Her eyes get huge, she doesn’t know if this is still a game or not. I tell her to pull back, to yell “NO!”. She wiggles a bit. A weak “no”. It’s so hard for her to yell at a grownup! I pull harder, tell her to yell. This “no” is a bit louder, and I praise her and encourage her to keep it up. “NO!” Good girl! I give her the candy and a big snuggle. That was intense, and I’m proud of her.
A week or so later, we try again. She’s yelling “NO!” now, and yelling for help. Now, she gets to punch and kick the kitty as hard as she wants. She can pinch, scratch, pull fur, and anything else she can think of. She gets more candy and lots more praise. We do this a lot, at least once a week. Her reaction needs to be instant and without hesitation.
As she reaches 4 and 5, I start teaching her Aikido moves. Grabbing the wrist is a classic opening move, and there’s lots of ways to escape. She learns how to grab my thumb and pull it backward. She learns that the instinctive reaction to touching something gross is to drop it, so she learns that if someone puts their hand over her mouth, to lick them like a slimy slug.
All of these survival tips have worked against me when she’s having a temper tantrum and I need to control her. “NO!” Kicking, prying off my grip, running away, even the slimy lick! As annoyed as I get, I still think “Thank G-d”. She’s loud, confident, stubborn, independent, and not afraid to use what she’s been taught. I hope and pray she never has to use these skills on anyone but me, but if she does, she’ll be ready.
Perhaps if you saw a jerk hassling a woman and you stepped up and said, "hey, buddy, she's telling you buzz off, why don't you do so?" then that woman would trust you enough to know she can let you know if she's interested and then you could tell.
I spent nearly a decade working in a Goth/Fetish club, and while all of our bouncing staff were very attentive to “Did that drunk woman come here with that guy? Where are her friends? Is she too drunk? Miss, I think we should call you a cab” and just knowing who the local predators were, sort of issues, we had one bouncer, B, who went sort of above and beyond. B was 6′7″ and a good 290 lbs, easily. He had multiple facial piercings and tattoos, a beard and a network of scars on his face from getting hit with a beer stein.
You all know that guy who starts hitting on you by invading your personal space, and keeps getting closer if you say no, all the while asking you “why not?” B used to watch for these guys, and if he saw them doing that to girls, he would walk up to the bar and do that to the guy in question. It usually took less than a minute for the guy in question to start freaking out. At which point B would say, “Yeah, well guess how you made that girl feel.”
We rarely had repeat offenders.