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This, my darling, is the Zybourne Clock.
November 19, 2009 6:38 AM   Subscribe

"For Dirk McLauren, Wedesnday January 19 2381 has begun very poorly." The Zybourne Clock was to be a hundred-hour long electro-punk-themed RPG made by members of the SA subforum BYOB. After only a few weeks, the project collapsed in drama and failure, leaving only hilarious snippets of text, original "artwork," and level designs. More effort and skill went into parodying The Zybourne Clock than into creating it.
posted by Optimus Chyme (35 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

 
Clocks (Boss Battle Theme)

The boss battle music. Based on both the Final Fantasy 6 boss battle music, and Coldplay’s Clocks (around 0:30).
lol
posted by grouse at 6:50 AM on November 19, 2009


More effort and skill went into parodying The Zybourne Clock than into creating it.

The only possible way this outcome could have been more predictable is if the project was formed on 4chan.
posted by explosion at 6:54 AM on November 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


When the object enters the timestream, time begins to correct itself. Let me use this example: Imagine four balls on the edge of a cliff. Say a direct copy of the ball nearest the cliff is sent to the back of the line of balls and takes the place of the first ball. The formerly first ball becomes the second, the second becomes the third, and the fourth falls off the cliff.

Time works the same way.

posted by Sticherbeast at 6:55 AM on November 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


Frozen with guilt, the man slowly begins to run through the crowd.

I like.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:56 AM on November 19, 2009


The only possible way this outcome could have been more predictable is if the project was formed on 4chan.

It is a bit mystifying since I thought the whole point of SA was to ridicule and destroy for the lulz... doing something creative their just seems a whole pile of wrong.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:58 AM on November 19, 2009


Fearful symmetry, the project was conceived and "executed" by only a few dozen members of a particular subform; most SA members mocked the effort as a hopeless inept tragedy.

Also, I forgot to post this excellent parody by Ingwit:

"Johnny Fiveaces powered down the magnabike with a not quite unhearble hum and checked his chronometer. “Damn.” he hissed threw his clinched teeth which were surrounded by the stubble of five days where in he had not shaven himself at all. It was almost chromodawn at Clashpoint. Alreddy the sun was sitting Walliston’s Hill ah blaze like so much molten meddle or a coin, gyreating in the air, tossed there by the uncaring hand of an imaginary god that doesn’t exist, borne from the interior minds of the hobbled masses. The sky was the color of a television tuned to a dead channel that was orange. Damn, he, Johnny, thought. We thought we were opening a new beginning with our mad dreams of time travail but ironically the only time now is the time of which we’re out of. It’s almost humorous. Yeah, I could almost laugh, if I hadn’t cried that part of me away when my parents were maccasared by Dr. Malaprop and the government sanctioned murderers of “CAPITAL”.

He lit a Nicosheen brand swaggerette and took a dip drag, sinking farther into his inferior horologue. He thought of Nina and her mellifluous buttocks that he used to love to bang. Even now his nano enhanced hearing could almost hear her vagina lips quivering with moisture and also pleasure, like a slice of synth-ham being tongued by one of Malaprop’s slamhounds. When he got back to City5, he was going to do some sex, no doubt about that. “That’s right doll” he said to nobody and the wind. They were going to do it hard. He smiled, blowing smoke from his nostrils. They were going to do it cyber hard."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:02 AM on November 19, 2009 [18 favorites]


And don't get me started on Thrusday January 20, 2381!
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:03 AM on November 19, 2009


He recalled that they were once called Buttersteam Spirals, named after the device used to make them, the SteamButterer, and the company which made it, The Buttersteam Company. Then, as always happens with technology, the Steambutterer was replaced by the Streambutterer, which still ran on steam, but differently, and was still made by Buttersteam Co. His brow furrowed.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:12 AM on November 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


A bit on the meh side, I think. Maybe I'm jaded. On the other hand, the "skill" link led me to this masterpiece: "Dungeon is a tragic platformer about what can happen in a castle, and how it affects people like you and me." (skim the thread and see how quickly you can figure out what the game really is about...).
posted by effbot at 7:16 AM on November 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


inanities, limping and trembling at my feet
posted by past at 7:19 AM on November 19, 2009


January 19, 2381 actually falls on a Monday. Or is this a result of one of those balls on cliff time thingies?
posted by justkevin at 7:32 AM on November 19, 2009


Wow. It's like someone took the process that spawned Half Life: Full Life Consequences and reverse engineered it. However in this case, at least one of the people involved has an Associates Degree.
posted by Brocktoon at 7:35 AM on November 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Maccasared? Is that anything like being macassared?

Because, if so, that's probably quite nice.
posted by aramaic at 7:39 AM on November 19, 2009


Ahh, Optimus Chyme. You always did have a pension for the dramatic.
posted by Damn That Television at 7:45 AM on November 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


Well I like the music, but maybe that was because the first fifteen seconds sound exactly like FF6 and give me an acute taste of nostalgia.
posted by scrutiny at 8:12 AM on November 19, 2009


So, steampunk, still all style and no substance?
posted by fuq at 8:28 AM on November 19, 2009


SA has grown up it seems...it's less destructive now and more chatty, which is why subforums can foster sincerely dorky efforts like this one.

God those parodies are great though.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:48 AM on November 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Optimus, please. That game had a family.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:52 AM on November 19, 2009 [5 favorites]


Also while I guess if you only ever heard about the trolling I could see how you could get the idea that SA is some kind of internet force of destruction, I think it's one of the more creative internet communities out there. Its forum-spawned photoshop creations are routinely of higher quality than Worth or Fark's, there's whole subforums devoted to people who like making things, and pre-4chan it was the source of most of the internet's memes and so forth. It's also one of the better sources I've found of people to play various video games with (MeFightClub being the best) and discuss politics- hell, a lot of the various Ron Paul jokes that floated around were born in a couple of epic threads and a subforum created specifically as a corral for threads about the man.

There's a history of trolling and such, sure. But that's hardly the whole story.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:01 AM on November 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


Maccasared? Is that anything like being macassared?

I've tried the stuff from Indonesia but now I buy mine from a plantation in Bombay. There's just no substitute for a good old fashioned Indian macassar.
posted by hermitosis at 9:11 AM on November 19, 2009


I still can't forgive Something Awful for all the nightmares I had after they created Slender Man.
posted by hippybear at 9:24 AM on November 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


And in an obvious attempt to punish me for the meh uptread, YouTube just recommended some videos about the game "The Demon Rush":
- Trailer
- Gameplay videos
- SA thread
posted by effbot at 9:40 AM on November 19, 2009


The Firebreather posted:
i'm going to be johnny next halloween, i am a huge nerd

"Who are you supposed to be?"
"Oh, I'm just going as the coolest character from an unmade steampunk game that I like ironically."
"Ok, let's have sex baby."

posted by afu at 9:42 AM on November 19, 2009


fearfulsymmetry: "It is a bit mystifying since I thought the whole point of SA was to ridicule and destroy for the lulz... doing something creative their just seems a whole pile of wrong.
posted by fe
"

honestly, one of my favorite characteristics of SA these days is that where once they were simply a proud "worst of the web" portal, they've become this sort of line-straddling middle ground where they spend as much time mocking their own community as they do other people.
posted by shmegegge at 9:57 AM on November 19, 2009


Pope Guilty: There's a history of trolling and such, sure. But that's hardly the whole story.

shmegegge: they've become this sort of line-straddling middle ground where they spend as much time mocking their own community as they do other people.

Yeah, I guess that 'Eve SA Goonsquad destroy ship worth 10 Squidillion real world dollers! / Flying Cocks in Second Life' makes for better headlines.

The SA WTF D&D series was very funny
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2009


damn... mean to link back those quotes...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:35 AM on November 19, 2009


I'm surprised this has never been posted. Fantastically funny stuff there, definitely worth spreading outside of SA.
posted by flatluigi at 11:05 AM on November 19, 2009


fearfulsymmetry: "Yeah, I guess that 'Eve SA Goonsquad destroy ship worth 10 Squidillion real world dollers! / Flying Cocks in Second Life' makes for better headlines."

just for the record, I was being serious when I said it was one of my favorite things about SA lately. I think it would be boring if they were just making fun of private family geocities pages for 10 years. this way, they've stayed more interesting.
posted by shmegegge at 12:31 PM on November 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


Well, strictly speaking, yes the apartment is in Toxic Dump. But it's downtown adjacent!
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:12 PM on November 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


One more thing, and this is a serious question: Can someone explain this "mood" thing to me?

Next few things I want to cover. The change mood command will change the selected characters mood at random. It can only be

used once in battle. You can also use an item to change a characters mood by using an item or by seeing a Psychologist. Okay,

Ill let you do the rest! Look forward to our next and final installment of tutorials, Timesynch!

Oh yeah one more thing.

Anger <> Hurt

Tense <> Nervous

Happy <> Sad


Granted my RPG experience kind of stopped with 2nd edition D+D in 1990, but in my day we fought with, you know, swords and stuff. Were the characters in this game meant to attack each other psychically with their moods? Also, they think "tense" and "nervous" are opposites?
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:22 PM on November 19, 2009


Frozen with guilt, the man slowly begins to run through the crowd.

This looks like some sort of dead-on parody of Dan Brown's prose. The only thing that's missing is some sort of ridiculously descriptive and ideally internally redundant adjectival clause before the word "man". I'd personally go for something like:

Frozen with guilt, the highly respected 68 year old curator of the British Museum slowly begins to run through the crowd.

But I'm sure you guys can do better. Maybe the highly respected 68 year old curator has something cradled in his palms?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:56 PM on November 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


This made me so nostalgic for two years ago, or whenever I gave up on the SA Forums for good. The Zybourne Clock is hysterical. Every time I hear some terrible technojargon in a show, I add to myself, "Time works the same way."
posted by Countess Elena at 6:27 PM on November 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


January 19, 2381 will be a Monday, not a Wednesday.

Other than that, this game looks solid.
posted by decagon at 9:03 PM on November 19, 2009


I will give one free favorite to anyone who makes this their avatar.
posted by decagon at 9:04 PM on November 19, 2009


When I made those last two comments, I hadn't laughed yet; I was just staring at the page in silent, frozen disbelief.

A couple minutes later, I looked at this. It took me a full fifteen minutes to stop laughing uncontrollably—at that photo, at the fan art, at the inner workings of "time," at the entire fucking thing. There were a few scary seconds in there during which I could not get any oxygen into my lungs without laughing it back out. This is probably the single funniest thing I have ever seen on MetaFilter. Seriously, I'm radiating Zybourne-induced joy.
posted by decagon at 9:26 PM on November 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


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