Timeless Music

January 23, 2010 2:28 PM

"I put every dollar I have into this. I’ve spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album [...] I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back. The songs will make an impact in pop history." Reality television star Heidi Montag released her debut album, entitled Superficial, this month, to record-breaking lows: The LP sold just 658 copies in the first week of its release.

Further: Montag performs the first single, "Body Language", for the 2009 Miss Universe pageant. Then there's this deliciously deluded interview in Entertainment Weekly:

EW: Why did it take three years to put this together?

HEIDI MONTAG: Well, I did it independently. If you look back at the superstars throughout history it used to take that long to put albums together. Now it’s more manufactured. I really wanted to take my time, and every song means so much to me. And every song was a true journey. I had to track down the songs myself, because it was just Spencer and I doing it independently. We really took our time with every single process, because we wanted it to be the highest quality possible. I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days, to that kind of sound. It’s timeless music, so whenever it comes out was the right timing.

EW: Do you think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller?

HM: I definitely do. I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller.

posted by Rory Marinich (165 comments total)

Ouch.
posted by TwelveTwo at 2:30 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Who's Heidi Montag?

No, seriously. Who is she?
posted by SoulOnIce at 2:32 PM on January 23, 2010 [26 favorites]

That's 658 more copies than my album has sold.

I think I'd still rather have the 1-2 million dollars, though.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:33 PM on January 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

This is also 658 copies sold in a week where she's done plenty to be in the media more than usual in regards to her ongoing plastic surgeries.
posted by Doug Stewart at 2:35 PM on January 23, 2010

Who's Heidi Montag?

Guy Montag's mother.
posted by planet at 2:37 PM on January 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

Who's Heidi Montag?

Do they not have wikipedia where you're from?
posted by felix betachat at 2:37 PM on January 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

I'm with SoulOnIce, and I don't even know who SoulOnIce is.
posted by Elmore at 2:38 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

On the bright side, it did remind me of this great tune.
posted by NoMich at 2:39 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

I had no idea who she was either, so I read the Wikipedia article to educate myself. I learnt that she has a Crested Butte. That's impressive.
posted by jontyjago at 2:41 PM on January 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

There's something to be said for believing in yourself.
posted by ColdChef at 2:42 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Superficial is a really brilliant album name for her.
posted by streetdreams at 2:46 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

This post feels like a celebrity version of "People of Wal-Mart".
posted by Joe Beese at 2:46 PM on January 23, 2010 [10 favorites]

It may have only moved 658 copies, but everyone who bought a copy will put out a vapid pop LP of their own.
posted by porn in the woods at 2:46 PM on January 23, 2010 [64 favorites]

OK, just for the fun of it I'm going to pretend that there is no wikipedia in my neck of the interwebz.

Is she a model?
Is she an ice hockey player?
Is she Ghostbuster II?
Is she animal, mineral or vegetable?
Is she known by Akinator?
Does Akinator know of her?

Go on?
posted by Elmore at 2:47 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

And once again, life imitates art.
posted by gyc at 2:48 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

I can't tell, is this post encouraging me to mock Ms. Montag? Because I can't find any joy in ragging on someone who poured three years of her life and every dollar she had into something she was passionate about, only to have the marketplace completely reject the product. It mostly just makes me sad.

Buzzkill!!!!!!!!!
posted by naju at 2:48 PM on January 23, 2010 [40 favorites]

I used to enjoy hating on Heidi until I saw her recent round of plastic surgery. Her face is beyond fucked up and she's like, 22. Now I'm just sad for her.

Spencer, however, will always be fair game.
posted by roger ackroyd at 2:50 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

OK, just for the fun of it I'm going to pretend that there is no wikipedia in my neck of the interwebz.

That really wasn't very fun at all. Maybe you should just click the Wikipedia link in the post.
posted by planet at 2:50 PM on January 23, 2010

Her crazy amount of plastic surgery is way more pitiable than her bad album.
posted by lullaby at 2:51 PM on January 23, 2010

this is a matter of the dumb money being redistributed to the smart money.
posted by wallstreet1929 at 2:53 PM on January 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

I can't find any joy in ragging on someone who poured three years of her life and every dollar she had into something she was passionate about, only to have the marketplace completely reject the product.

That's OK. I can find enough joy in it for the both of us.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:57 PM on January 23, 2010 [54 favorites]

naju, joe beese: I didn't post it to sneer at her. I posted it because I thought it was a fascinating story. Like in the Entertainment Weekly interview, where she talks about how long she's spent writing these songs because all of them were very personal to her, how candidly she admits to her new bankruptcy. I should have thought to include this article about her plastic surgeries and how painful they were.

I've never seen The Hills myself, or anything else on MTV, and I'd never heard of Montag until this story. But it's a doozy of a story, and I thought it would be worth posting here.

Personally when I look at this story it makes me want to think and talk about the artistic process, namely how easy it is to convince yourself of how groundbreaking your work is when you're the person behind it, and how important it is to constantly reexamine yourself and ask yourself just what you've really been doing. It also interests me because of how overwhelmingly shallow the entire story is. Celebrity-for-no-reason spends too much money on an album with generic music and generic lyrics. But because she's truly somebody without a single hook to her besides looks, that celebrity failed to push her album forward.

So there are two venues of discussion that I'd love to have with some of the folks here, if anybody else found themselves thinking of the same things while reading this. Also I thought that song was catchy for all its overproduction — if I'd listened and thought it was truly awful I'd have skipped this, but I'm a sucker for catchy.
posted by Rory Marinich at 2:59 PM on January 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

it's an average pop record from what i've found on you tube on it - not bad, just average

unfortunately, average doesn't sell by itself - she needs that ONE song to put her over and she doesn't seem to have found it yet
posted by pyramid termite at 2:59 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Her crazy amount of plastic surgery is way more pitiable than her bad album.

Heidi Montag Tries To Move Her Face, Can't [video].
posted by ericb at 3:00 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I also checked the Wikipedia page, and discovered that The Hills is considered a "reality series", which I found funny. I have to admit that I've only seen a few minutes here and there, but to me The Hills look about as real as any non-reality teen drama series.

This is a bit off-topic, but it's interesting to see how the term "reality" really is getting stretched to its limits. The only difference between "reality" and "regular" seems to be that the reality shows pretend to be undirected/scripted/etc.

This isn't just The Hills, but also the new series Steven Seagal: Lawman in which Steven Segal claims he is an actual cop and has worked as one on and off for 20 years (with an unsurprising lack of proof). Or the work-reality shows like American Chopper or Miami Ink, where especially the interview bits are as spontaneous as a dodo is alive. And so on and so on. I'm done now.
posted by bjrn at 3:02 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

Oh wow, that Wikipedia page opens a gateway to my own personal level of hell filled with all the privileged offspring of minor celebrities that I escaped a decade ago when I left Malibu forever. I used to work on these people's houses. I once spent an entire day chipping off an entire bathroom's worth of newly installed hand-painted white tile because it wasn't quite the right shade. Actually it was pretty damn enjoyable, it's not often you get to destroy thousands of dollars worth of product on a whim (well, at least not in the socioeconomic circles I travel in.)
posted by Jawn at 3:02 PM on January 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

Makes sense Rory, thanks for clarifying.
posted by naju at 3:03 PM on January 23, 2010

hate to rip on someone's work, but that cover art is the tackiest thing to come down the pipe in ages.
posted by porn in the woods at 3:04 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller.

Ah yes, it must be quality if you did the work. How many designers have I heard mutter those same words in defense of an unworkable design.

Someone should mention to her that Michael started performing in 1964 and recorded Thriller eighteen years later in 1982. It took Michael eighteen years of staring at Joe's belt to master what he knew by the time was Thriller was ready.

I'll check back with Heidi in fifteen years to see what she can do.
posted by jsavimbi at 3:10 PM on January 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

that cover art is the tackiest thing to come down the pipe in ages

but: does what it says on the tin
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 3:12 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Guy Montag's mother.

Burn, my baby. Burn.
posted by kid ichorous at 3:17 PM on January 23, 2010

But what's she gonna do with 658 copies of her own album?
posted by ExitPursuedByBear at 3:18 PM on January 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

It's a difficult emotion, to be embarrassed for someone for being clueless in their genuineness.
posted by plexi at 3:18 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Who's Heidi Montag?

No, seriously. Who is she?

YOU LUCKY BASTARD!
posted by graventy at 3:20 PM on January 23, 2010 [11 favorites]

Who's Guy Montag?
posted by HuronBob at 3:22 PM on January 23, 2010

Her first music video (for "Higher") might clear some things up for those of you who haven't heard of this... lady. Also, this photo shoot with her flesh-colored-bearded husband.
posted by oinopaponton at 3:31 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wait -- Montag is the guy from Fahrenheit 451. Right? Right?

So no one had the balls to tell this dumb bunny how lousy her music is while she was making this album? Or were they just taking her money and laughing behind her back?
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 3:33 PM on January 23, 2010

I know of one model-turned actress who put out a surprisingly interesting album: Milla Jovovich. It's called 'The Divine Comedy'.
The only reason I bought it (used, in Hot Wax records, Calgary) was because I thought it was an album an Irish group of that name!
It too sold just a handful of copies, but I've always been rather puzzled by its obscurity. This is the best example I can find of it on the 'tube.
posted by Flashman at 3:37 PM on January 23, 2010 [17 favorites]

Like in the Entertainment Weekly interview, where she talks about how long she's spent writing these songs because all of them were very personal to her...

I find this fascinating, because I don't know whether she really believes what she's saying, or whether she just knows that's what she's supposed to say, or some bizarre combination of both. I think she must know that an interview is a chance to sell her album, so she's saying what she thinks will make people buy it, but since she has zero actual self-awareness, she has no idea how she really comes across.
posted by hermitosis at 3:42 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

So, is she going to be bigger than ever now? It's a rare bird that can pull of such fantastic publicity as this, and she could easily build a career around being a celebrity no-hoper. I mean, I had no idea who she was at all until she plunged to earth so, um, meteorically. If she keeps it up she'll soon be very famous for failing to be worth being famous.
posted by Sova at 3:42 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

This highlights to me that there are real assholes that surround naive celebrities and will do everything they can to support the celebrity's efforts, as long as the cash holds out and they can keep them clueless.

Wouldn't it be obvious to her "people" that this album was going to fail hard? Didn't they have an obligation to her to maybe let her know it was time to pull the plug?

I really blame her handlers more than I blame her. I think she's mentally ill wrt her surgeries and there are some serious fucking sharks in the water around her just taking bite after bite after bite.

A sad story, imho.
posted by disclaimer at 3:49 PM on January 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

Perhaps the surgeries and the album were attempts to distract people from staring at her ass.
posted by bwg at 3:55 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is sad - personally sad to me in that granfaloon way because she's from Crested Butte, where I've spent a great deal of my life - but more sad because it seems like this was, indeed, a personal project by a person lacking any real self-examination. Or to put it another way (I can't remember where I read this, but it's definitely not mine) "While the unexamined life is not worth living, it must be equally true that the un-lived life is not worth examining."

Flashman is right, though, Milla Jovovich's album is fantastic. Here's another track. But then, The Divine Comedy was the first I'd ever heard of her, so I've always considered the modeling and Resident Evil movies and whatnot to be just something she could do for a paycheck while maintaining what she really wanted to do, and was truly talented at. Her work with Maynard James Keenan's "Puscifer" helps to confirm this for me.

The weird thing is that the title of Montag's album makes it seem like she gets it - ah ha ha yes I'm so Superficial, I know, I know, I'm even going to call my self-produced album that, and maybe once people hear it they'll get the irony. But nothing else about this shows any shred of self-awareness at all. So weird.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:59 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

I bet she didn't come up with the title.
posted by hermitosis at 4:03 PM on January 23, 2010

Perhaps the surgeries and the album were attempts to distract people from staring at her ass.

But... she's got a GREAT ASS! And you got your head... ALL THE WAY UP IT!!
posted by porn in the woods at 4:04 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

I know of one model-turned actress who put out a surprisingly interesting album

I bought Carla Bruni's first album after finding tracks from it on Napster, back when Napster was Napster. Between ordering and it arriving, I found out she was a fashion model, and wasn't sure whether I should like it. But by the time it arrived, I realised that that sort of nonsense is for teenagers and I like it very much - one of my favourite albums of that year. There's no reason a model shouldn't make a good album.

That said, I'm not sure how I feel about liking an album by Nicolas Sarkozy's wife.

(Zazu by Rosie Vela was pretty good, too, I thought.)
posted by Grangousier at 4:05 PM on January 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

Her work with Maynard James Keenan's "Puscifer" helps to confirm this for me.

My mind is blown.
posted by kenko at 4:07 PM on January 23, 2010

But... she's got a GREAT ASS! And you got your head... ALL THE WAY UP IT!!

Al Pacino yelling at Hank Azaria...and referring to Ashley Judd's butt.

Great movie...and great delivery, pitw.
posted by hal_c_on at 4:23 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Lots of "celebs" make vanity albums and think they will expand into music, but the surgery while still so young and good looking is just terribly sad. Poor kid.
posted by snsranch at 4:24 PM on January 23, 2010

ericb: "Heidi Montag Tries To Move Her Face, Can't [video]."

That is horrifying. She truly cannot do anything except blink and open her mouth to speak. She's turned herself into an aged-looking doll.
posted by runningwithscissors at 4:28 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

I know of one model-turned actress who put out a surprisingly interesting album

It was not an album, but Michelle Pfeiffer's performance in The Fabulous Baker Boys wasn't what you'd normally associate with "beauty queen turned actress and allowed to sing". It seems that movie has a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes.
posted by ersatz at 4:32 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Heidi and her husband consider themselves experts at manipulating the media for their own benefit. While they might not be able to translate that into a platinum record, I think it's a safe bet that she knows what she is fully aware that what she is saying is ridiculous, and at the same time that much more likely to make its way into a bunch of blogs and other web sites. And in the end, that means more record sales than if she approached the whole thing as a normal, not especially musically talented human being.
posted by ctab at 4:33 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Where do $2 mil go and not net any tangible sales? Wouldn't some of that go to advertising, and thus making sure more than a handful of people buy it?
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:33 PM on January 23, 2010

The quote from that video, "my breasts were smaller than I originally intended them to be," speaks volumes of a mentality I can't really comprehend.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:36 PM on January 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

Who's Heidi Montag?

Mrs Pratt.

Yeah, that seems about right.
posted by DU at 4:38 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

(Zazu by Rosie Vela was pretty good, too, I thought.)

"Magic Smile" is indeed a great track. Donald Fagen and Walter Becker lent a hand to her 1986 LP, so she's a champion in my eyes.
posted by porn in the woods at 4:48 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mild amusement, yawn, etc.
posted by fleetmouse at 4:50 PM on January 23, 2010

I saw an article in a magazine that compared the before and after of her surgeries... I was horrified, especially when I read that she wanted to get her breasts enlarged again! All I could think was now she looks like some type of generic porn star - blonde, check! slinky eyebrows, check! no movement in her face, check! big pouty lips, check! massive boobs, check!

She doesn't look like herself, she looks like a mashup of all sorts of people that's turned her into a nothing, a generic face, an everybody. I thought individuality helped sell? Or am I completely wrong? I feel really sad for her - especially that she hasn't had the ability to self-check or have someone on her life with the balls to say, HEY, this (album & surgery) is not a good idea!
posted by latch24 at 4:57 PM on January 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

So Heidi Montag just got got Ton of plastic surgery 9 surgeries, apparently.

And the thing is, while she looks different she dosn't really look any better at all. I mean she was pretty good looking before all the surgery. And she had her boobs made gigantic, and ridiculous looking.

And apparently she even had trouble talking and moving her face after the surgery. Talk about bizarre behavior.
posted by delmoi at 4:59 PM on January 23, 2010

Everyone keeps talking about how different she looks after the surgeries, and I really don't see it. For that much money, I would want to look DIFFERENT. Pegasus different.
posted by hermitosis at 5:00 PM on January 23, 2010 [14 favorites]

Wow, Mila Might not be Kate Bush, but that's pretty good.

And is that Harry Dean Stanton in her video?
posted by lumpenprole at 5:02 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

HAW HAW!

/Nelson Muntz

Seriously, MeFi, I'm the first on that?
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:02 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Okay the plastic surgery has been covered. The link was too before and after photos. Like I said, she looked fine before. And actually watching the Access Hollywood video, it's like, I think she looked better before. Her face had more character.

Although, you could argue that her new face better reflects who she really is...
posted by delmoi at 5:04 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hmm, the doctor apparently is saying that her face still needs to "settle", it's swollen. Eww.
posted by delmoi at 5:07 PM on January 23, 2010

No no. THIS was the best song to ever come out of an MTV reality series.

I knew I'd find it.
posted by hal_c_on at 5:08 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think these 658 people need to be located before they decide to breed.
posted by jonmc at 5:08 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Hurry now and you too could be one of the first 1,000 people to own Heidi's debut album!
posted by furtive at 5:10 PM on January 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

Nth-ing The Divine Comedy.

I bought it for my collection of "records that wouldn't have been made if the singer wasn't so good looking" (i.e. Nia Peeples). But it doesn't belong there.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:10 PM on January 23, 2010

I can't really tell the difference between somebody who is blandly pretty before plastic surgery and somebody who is blandly pretty after plastic surgery. To my eyes, you just changed into a significantly less-expressive version of herself.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:16 PM on January 23, 2010

I'm not a celebrity watcher, so I'd never heard of her before. That interview where she can't move her face is so sad, though. I get that she thinks these painful (and somewhat disfiguring) procedures are necessary for her career... but surely there was the option of following a more minimalist path, surgically?
posted by Forktine at 5:19 PM on January 23, 2010

Who's Heidi Montag?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:26 PM on January 23, 2010

Blech, hit post too soon.

Who's Heidi Montag?

Also, who and what are the Kardashian sisters? Where did they come from? What do they do? How did I get so old?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:28 PM on January 23, 2010 [8 favorites]

bjrn: This is a bit off-topic, but it's interesting to see how the term "reality" really is getting stretched to its limits. The only difference between "reality" and "regular" seems to be that the reality shows pretend to be undirected/scripted/etc.

Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe on the reality of Reality TV. (Awesome show)
posted by Decimask at 5:31 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Hasn't she heard? No one has sold more than 658 "albums" in like 10 years. She missed the revolution.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:34 PM on January 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

I know of one model-turned actress who put out a surprisingly interesting album: Milla Jovovich. It's called 'The Divine Comedy'.

She also sang all of her songs in DUMMY, including the final infectious Klezmer number. She also has the best performance and most interesting character in what is otherwise your standard indie quirk fest.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 5:42 PM on January 23, 2010

Both Heidi and her husband, Spencer, starred on last summer's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!" (NBC produced)


That was my first exposure to the couple. Her husband came off with severe anger issues, and both as believing they deserved better treatment and superiority over the other B (or lower) list celebs because they were such famous people. Needless to say, for all that they claimed to be super Christian (on the show), I never really saw anything backing their assertions. Though, at one point, Stephen Baldwin re-baptized Spencer in a central American river. It seems like Spencer is the big promoter between the two.



There was nothing else on that night, I swear!
posted by Atreides at 5:43 PM on January 23, 2010

needs the schadenfreude tag
posted by cjorgensen at 5:45 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

That Divine Comedy record (purchased as a used promo in the mid-90s) was pretty fantastic.

Tho for my money this is her best song.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 5:49 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

How much of that $2 million was spent buying some of those 658 copies herself?
posted by DU at 5:49 PM on January 23, 2010

how easy it is to convince yourself of how groundbreaking your work is when you're the person behind it

My favorite link in all the Web: Unskilled and Unaware
posted by Jimmy Havok at 5:53 PM on January 23, 2010 [19 favorites]

In her defense, I think this record's lack of success more to do with the current state of the music industry rather than it's quality (or lack thereof). If it was released in 1999, would it have been as dismal a failure? Heidi Montang, in my opinion, is more of a Jessica Simpson-level talent rather than a Christina Aguilera, and Sweet Kisses went double platinum! Maybe she's just ten years too late.

The other unfortunate thing is that the music is pretty disposable, which can only lead to downloading rather than buying, which wasn't as much of an issue back in the good old days of boy bands. Still, less than a thousand copies sold is pretty rough. Especially when Vampire Weekend is moving 124,000 units their first week out. And they look like a buncha geeks! After spending all that money on fake boobs, getting beat by a bunch of Poindexters has got to smart.
posted by monkeymike at 5:56 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Is she a model?
Is she an ice hockey player?
Is she Ghostbuster II?
Is she animal, mineral or vegetable?
Is she known by Akinator?
Does Akinator know of her?

Go on?

Does she vibrate?
posted by rollbiz at 6:07 PM on January 23, 2010

This just doesn't make sense. I listened to the album on Spotify just to check, and it's not bad, she's just another mediocre Britney Spears clone. Apparently she has 80.000 fans on Facebook, so she's not some unknown star either. 658 sales is into "unknown indie hybrid subgenre" territory.

My guesses:
- The whole story is a lie (either PR stunt or malicious rumor)
- Nielsen ratings aren't reliable when it comes to the long tail
- Someone really, really fucked up the distribution of her album and it actually sold so poorly due to no availability
posted by ymgve at 6:08 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Jimmy Havok, I loved giving that article to a group of MBA students who were doing team projects. Some of them got it, but some of them didn't think it applied to them. The team discussions that ensued were awesome.
posted by jeanmari at 6:09 PM on January 23, 2010

I listened to the album on Spotify just to check, and it's not bad,

Not bad? I listened to a few minutes each of a couple of tracks from this Auto-Tuned abortion and even my dental work hurts. It was like chewing aluminum foil.
posted by MikeMc at 6:21 PM on January 23, 2010

Who's Heidi Montag?

Kevin Federline in drag.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:25 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Wow. I had, luckily, no idea who she was until MetaFilter educated me. Some days I feel like I learn a lot from here. On the other hand, I feel like knowing of this person has somehow endumbnificated me.

Also: McAfee SiteAdvisor wouldn't let me view the link to the cover art because it wasn't safe. I choose to believe it was trying to protect me from the image, not any nefarious websites...
posted by Ghidorah at 6:30 PM on January 23, 2010

MikeMc, "not bad", as in, much more tolerable than this.

(That's William Hung, for those without Spotify)
posted by ymgve at 6:34 PM on January 23, 2010

MetaFilter: much more tolerable than William Hung
posted by DU at 6:36 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wonder how dated her currently-new face will seem in 20 years. It's an amalgam of features that a lot of people might consider attractive now, but in 2030, will it be the the equivalent of harvest-gold appliances?
posted by runningwithscissors at 6:41 PM on January 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

Apparently she has 80.000 fans on Facebook, so she's not some unknown star either.

Er, they're not "fans" in the traditional sense of the word. They're fans in the sense that they're addicted to the attention seeking bullshit her and her "husband" (we still don't know if they're actually legally married) spew in the direction of the media in the name of self publicity, and hope desperately to witness their inevitable downward spiral. ONTD reacts to her plastic surgery is a good sample of standard comments on the couple, for example.
posted by saturnine at 6:50 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I can't hate on Heidi, because somehow her overestimation of skill coupled with a moneyed background remind me of the Grey Gardens women--how the Beale ladies had the belief that they could have made it in their stymied singing/acting careers. Neither Big Edie nor Little Edie had twitter like Speidi does, but something in Heidi's lack of self-awareness seems to echo their belief that it was only circumstances (fixable with money! or surgery! or moving out of your mom's home!), not talent, that stood in the way of success.

It makes Spencer/Heidi trollbaiting antics in the news more tolerable, cause I just pretend it's Big'n'Little Edie calling for Al Roker's head or whatever such nonsense is going on.
posted by neda at 6:51 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

I can't hate on Heidi
I can. Speidi on the Alex Jones show:

“We've been nonstop researching the Internet ... for information for at least a month all day every day," said Heidi. What did the couple learn? Global warming is a scam. "It's mind-boggling trying to say there's global warming right now,” said Spencer. He also backs up Jones’ belief that 9/11 was an “inside job.” "From your research, it 100 percent is," Spencer said to Jones on the show, adding later: "I want to throw up." The born-again Christians are also troubled by human microchips — and birth control. "This is very serious. It says in the Bible this is the mark of the beast, and that is a sign of worshipping the Devil. So over my dead body would I ever get a chip in my body," Heidi said. “My body belongs to Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus, and I will speak out to Christians ... this chip is the end of humanity.”
...
But that is not going to stop Spencer from using their latest media stunt to get some more publicity. He plans to call his first rap album “Infowars.” "My first single, I'm pretty sure is going to be called 'Patriot Act,'" he said."

...

Spence then compares American gun laws to Nazi Germany, plugs a DVD called "The Obama Deception" and goes on to describe a government conspiracy involving Fluoride (his Dad is a dentist). Not to be outdone, Heidi then adds that the "New World Order" under Obama is prophesied in the Bible.

"I've always been a very serious Christian," says Heidi, "and most Christians understand what's going on. They understand they're being persecuted. They understand this is the end of the world. They understand the New World Order, the One World Currency, is all in Revelations in the Bible, so they're taking me very seriously and they know when I mean something, that it's a message."

posted by Challahtronix at 6:58 PM on January 23, 2010 [13 favorites]

> - The whole story is a lie (either PR stunt or malicious rumor)

I agree, it smells of BS, but it's not all crap.

Since the sales information comes from Nielsen SoundScan, I wanted to know how SoundScan works. Fortunately, Wikipedia fills the void.

SoundScan only measures retail sales of physical product. Reporting cycles run on a strict Monday-Sunday (or Sunday-Saturday; that's not clarified) schedule. Hypothetically, if her album went on sale on a Sunday night, there might only be a couple hours of sales activity logged for that week's SoundScan report. Her album still sold poorly, but not that poorly. More realistically, if it went on sale on a Friday, there might only be two or three days of sales activity to report, not seven.

Further, SoundScan doesn't report online sales. People under 30 these days buy downloads more than they buy CDs, so SoundScan sales aren't even a good indicator of popularity for her market; The album might be going gangbusters overall but still be a drag in CD sales. That's not the case here, since Superficial doesn't appear on iTunes top 200 list. But the album has 2436 ratings on iTunes - 2003 of them are one star, the lowest rating, but there are 254 five star scores. Even setting aside the majority of reviews, obviously done for lulz or lashing out, it's got sufficient attention that presumably it's getting downloaded. iTunes users are also adding tracks from the album to their themed iMixes, indicating it's more of a sleeper in terms of sales; people are noticing it, a few of those are liking it. A mediocre song can still serve a good purpose if it's got a good beat, you can dance to it, and it makes a good transition between two better songs.

But if total sales are really this bad and she's on a major label, it means the label isn't promoting her and doesn't want to. Montag's going public about poor sales is as much a grasp for publicity as it is a way to call out the label for not serving her in the capacity she expects. I don't think she realizes that as a lower-tier artist on a major label, promotion is entirely her responsibility; she's the one who has to book the shows, travel the country, tour the radio stations and endure the abuse from a zillion drive-time shock DJs. Payola and backroom deals that send starlets straight to number one are made for artists the label considers more profitable.
posted by ardgedee at 6:59 PM on January 23, 2010 [4 favorites]

And aside from all that, dude, the album's titled "Superficial" and the cover art is an undiluted callback to 1970s disco records. It shouldn't consist of anything more than a catchy thumpy-thump and a generic pretty voice. Does what it says on the tin and so on. It should only be a curiosity because if it took them three years and a million dollars to manage that, they should've found a more suitable line of work.
posted by ardgedee at 7:05 PM on January 23, 2010

For the sub-thread on Milla: I seem to remember Milla Jovovich getting some airplay on the old WHFS. I also seem to remember it being pretty good. It's possible, though, that it was a one-off event that I happened to catch on tape.
posted by Alt F4 at 7:14 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

My understanding is that Montag sold 658 total albums and 6000 tracks overall. Very low, yes, but does anyone buy a whole album any more? Mostly my kids buy tracks off of iTunes (and so do I).

Still, she really does seem deluded about her talent (or lack of).

I'd also like to think that her marriage is one of deep, abiding love that will withstand issues like her husband nursing her for seven weeks until she was able to leave the house after her surgeries, but even if I felt more hopeful about Hollywood marriages in general, I think he really was just as aghast at what she had done to herself as some of us reading this thread.
posted by misha at 7:17 PM on January 23, 2010

Auto-tune extravaganza!
posted by gallois at 7:24 PM on January 23, 2010

My understanding is that Montag sold 658 total albums and 6000 tracks overall. Very low, yes, but does anyone buy a whole album any more? Mostly my kids buy tracks off of iTunes (and so do I).


Lady Gaga has sold 8 million copies of her debut album The Fame, 2.5 million of which were in the U.S.
posted by mpbx at 7:28 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Lady Gaga has sold 8 million copies of her debut album The Fame...

Wow, metafilter has that many members?
:)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 7:34 PM on January 23, 2010 [6 favorites]

Apart from the plastic surgery and all the media overexpsoure, I don't see that her songs are really any worse than most anything by Lady Gaga or, say, the latest single by Ke$ha. AutoTuned up the wazoo, synthetic, disposable, but not the end of the world.
posted by blucevalo at 7:55 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can anyone tell me where Heidi Montag got "over $1 million, almost $2 million" to spend making an album? Is it family money? The Wikipedia article doesn't say anything about her parents. Could it be all Hills money? I always heard that basic cable in general -- and MTV in particular -- was super stingy. And wasn't the point of reality-type TV to be super cheap anyways? I'm really quite curious.
posted by mhum at 8:06 PM on January 23, 2010

Where do $2 mil go and not net any tangible sales? Wouldn't some of that go to advertising, and thus making sure more than a handful of people buy it?

Two Mil goes to people who took this clueless noob for a ride. 2M for such a thing is hilarious!

I recall a story about MC Hammer, relayed by David Milch, about how he was taken for $40M on race horses. Milch says that somehow one of the sellers managed to sell him a half-decent horse along with the many many duds. Apparently that particular grifter has never lived it down.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 8:13 PM on January 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Apart from the plastic surgery and all the media overexpsoure, I don't see that her songs are really any worse than most anything by Lady Gaga...

From "Dance in the Dark" via Gaga's new release:

Silicone, saline, poison, inject me
Baby, I’m a free bitch
I’m a free bitch

Some girls won’t dance to the beat of the track
She won’t walk away
But she won’t look back
She looks good
But her boyfriend says she’s a mess
She’s a mess
She’s a mess
Now the girl is stressed
She’s a mess
She’s a mess
She’s a mess
She’s a mess...

Baby loves to dance in the dark
‘Cuz when he’s looking
She falls apart
Baby loves to dance in the dark...

...Work your blonde (Jean) Benet Ramsey
We’ll haunt like liberace
Find your freedom in the music
Find your Jesus
Find your Kubrick...

I think that there are some relevant differences.
posted by hermitosis at 8:20 PM on January 23, 2010 [7 favorites]

oinopaponton : Her first music video (for "Higher") might clear some things up for those of you who haven't heard of this... lady

Wow. That just... Well, it simply sucks. No other way to describe it.


blucevalo : Apart from the plastic surgery and all the media overexpsoure, I don't see that her songs are really any worse than most anything by Lady Gaga

I hate to admit it, but Lady Gaga actually has some musical talent. I consider it a sad indication of the state of pop music that she didn't hit it big until she tarted herself out, but appearance and faux-sluttiness aside, she comes up with some decent tunes. Not the second coming of the Beatles good, but I've caught myself humming along in the car.

Montag, however... Well, let me put it this way - Almost everything I watch online, I save a local copy. Even things I don't really like all that much, just so I'll have them around if I change my mind.

And oinopaponton's link? Yeah, I simply closed the window about a third of the way into the song.
posted by pla at 8:38 PM on January 23, 2010

I wonder how dated her currently-new face will seem in 20 years. It's an amalgam of features that a lot of people might consider attractive now, but in 2030, will it be the the equivalent of harvest-gold appliances?

Well, people tend to fix what they think of as attractive in their adolescence. Witness all the 50 year olds rocking long hair and porn stache's for example. Also, unlike fashion, people's faces don't change all that much over time, although you see some differences in what was considered "the standard of beauty"

On the other hand, she'll probably look like a freak when she actually gets old. By the way, did anyone else watch the Access Hollywod video and think the interviewer had some (crappy) work done? His mouth looked weird.
posted by delmoi at 8:52 PM on January 23, 2010

I thought the idea of plastic surgery was to preserve the look of youth. So why does she look like a 40-year-old trophy mom? Ugh.
posted by notsnot at 9:50 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Spencer Pratt is just such a ridiculously punchable name. I don't know if prat has the same meaning in the US as it does in the UK/Australia (like wanker) but it's literally the same as being named dickhead. Combined with a stereotypically upper-class-twit name like Spencer it's like he was tailor made to be made fun off.

Him, Reginald Twat, Archibald Tool, and Beckett Dickface.
posted by Silentgoldfish at 9:52 PM on January 23, 2010 [12 favorites]

Re: SoundScan, records come out on Tuesdays, so there would have been at least five days of sales.
posted by furtive at 10:21 PM on January 23, 2010

Apart from the plastic surgery and all the media overexpsoure, I don't see that her songs are really any worse than most anything by Lady Gaga

You take that back.
posted by jokeefe at 10:36 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

For the subthread regarding Ms. Jovavich:

She didn't get into recording thinking she was going to make the next Thriller, did she?

I think she did it kinda like some girls want a pony. She didn't want a pony, she wanted a record. Thats that. Considering that she's the ass-kickiest hero ever for the Res Evil movies, and was pretty kick ass in UV...she's not to be compared to Montag.

Don't do it; it ain't right.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:47 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Montag means Monday in German.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:15 PM on January 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Holy shit. I didn't known who Heidi Montag was until this thread, but a pair of The Hills episodes came on tonight, so I figured I'd check it out. I was addicted to the Real World back in the day, and watched almost every reality show up through around 2005, so I assumed it would be at least palatable.

Holy fucking shit. This is allegedly reality TV? The Simple Life was less scripted than this. The Joe Schmo Show was less scripted than this. The worst part is, I can't even tell what the point would be if it weren't completely staged. It's "give pretty girls jobs they don't deserve, and watch them do an okay job". It's not even as interesting as Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson's shows, where you were supposed to laugh at how stupid and out-of-touch they were. It's just utterly boring. The manufactured drama isn't even dramatic. There wasn't any conflict other than one girl didn't like another girl, and they needed to talk about it.

I honestly can't comprehend it. It's so staged, I can't see how anyone would believe it's reality. And anyone willing to suspend disbelief for the ohmygods would be better off watching daytime soaps. Absolutely nothing interesting happened, at all. Who is the audience? The kids on my lawn have better taste than this.
posted by team lowkey at 11:35 PM on January 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

Eh, I'm not sure why all the hate for the music. I mean, I can understand disliking it -- in fact, I do -- but I don't really understand statements like "So no one had the balls to tell this dumb bunny how lousy her music is while she was making this album?"

It doesn't seem obviously worse to me than a lot of things that are or were extremely popular. Britney Spears, for example. Why should anyone have told her how lousy it was, when it doesn't seem (to me) substandard for its extremely popular genre?

Maybe I just don't have a good ability to detect differences in quality in this sort of music, but I'm not sure - really, you people saying those around her should've told her she sucked and pulled the plug on the album, is it really definitively worse, obviously worse, than Britney Spears?

I also don't really understand the hate for her -- "dumb bunny" and such -- but I never heard of this woman before this post; maybe people are basing that sort of thing on their familiarity with her, which I lack.

The plastic surgery thing is just sad. I think she looks fine now, but she looked good before, too -- she was very pretty (I think prettier then than now, actually, but that's beside the point) -- and from the little bit of the Access Hollywood interview linked to in some comment that I could stand to watch, she seemed to be indicating that she did it because she was genuinely displeased with her appearance, and took comments about her supposed physical flaws ("Jay Leno chin") very hard. Seems like a form of mental illness, akin to anorexia - she was, again, very pretty; if she genuinely thought she wasn't, that's just crazy, and if she felt bad about herself because of it, driving her to all those surgeries, that's just sad.
posted by Flunkie at 12:29 AM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't know anything about this person but this public proclaiming to have put everything one had in the bank into it, the supposedly scandalous performance that just is forgettable and the atempt to hype this up ("as good as thriller") all strike me as very, very conventional marketing. by which I mean to say I don't buy she's going to be broke because of this.

this FPP Rory Marinich submitted seems to be an invitation to make fun of her attempt. that's cynical and rather low.
posted by krautland at 12:44 AM on January 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

how candidly she admits to her new bankruptcy
I hadn't seen that but you shouldn't automatically assume that to be true. a cynical, cunning manager could have just fabricated that story by transferring some of her wealth to a relative and coaching her on this story. it's a great way to get attention. also keep in mind that this person, who I understand to have a tv show, could easily open a mall or two or do a show at a club and make 50-80k in a weekend. it's not like the merc has to go right away.
posted by krautland at 12:48 AM on January 24, 2010

> from the little bit of the Access Hollywood interview linked to...

Yeah, Flunkie, she even says "they'd circle my jaw and call it a Jay Leno jaw" so it sounds like she's reading Perez Hilton every day and taking it seriously. So sad.
posted by dabitch at 2:10 AM on January 24, 2010

Come on! 2 Million? They spent 150 bucks on some Cheetos and Red Bull. Loaded up the Auto-Tune on the Mac and went at it. If I had that type of chump change sitting around I would have at least ponied up 50 grand for a decent director of my first video. Is it really that surprising that her costar, Audrina says for as long as she has known Heidi she never talked about music?
posted by P.o.B. at 2:14 AM on January 24, 2010

Ah well, the Good Lord giveth and the Good Lord taketh away.

Here ends todays Mefi Sermon
posted by quarsan at 3:14 AM on January 24, 2010

I've never heard of Heidi Montag, and from the comments here, I don't care to find out any more.

But whoever posted about Milla Jovovich's album - Thankyou! I'm listening to it on Spotify right now, and it really is pretty good.
posted by salmacis at 3:55 AM on January 24, 2010

Let's see, these are apparently some of the lyrics from the album's title track...

It aint that easy, it aint that easy
it aint that easy, but it aint so hard
It aint that easy, it aint that easy
it aint that easy, but it aint so hard

Hopin' out the maserati
All I see is paparazzi
Snapping pictures for the
Front cover of a magazine
So I pose in everything I wear
Love to make the people stare
Always center of attention
Lookin' so bootylicious

And I dont care,
That I keep pissing people off
Ima let em talk
I dont give a damn what they say
It isnt fair
That I wear diamonds for breakfast
And I know this isnt helping

They say Im superficial
Some call me a bitch
They just mad cause
Im sexy, famous and Im rich
I rock the latest fashions
And I set the latest trends
Girls say Im conceited
Cause they really wanna be me

And the song smacks of amateur Fruity Loops handiwork.
Really, where did this $1-2m go except maybe her 10 bouts of plastic surgery?
posted by tybeet at 5:06 AM on January 24, 2010

Seeing that first video (which, sadly, I will never be able to unsee), all I can say is ... "She's got no body-flight"; "A bit of musicality, please!"
posted by scruss at 5:22 AM on January 24, 2010

I have no hate for Milla J., and bought her album at full price way back, but it always struck me as a sort of thinner Kate Bush.
posted by signal at 5:41 AM on January 24, 2010

CRESTED BUTTE?
posted by doublehappy at 5:53 AM on January 24, 2010

There are a couple of realities to keep in mind here, and I'm only saying this because it's frankly far too easy to perceive someone like this as an easy target (which, absolutely, she is.)

a) Anyone with money *can* produce a recording, and that recording may or may not be very good.
b) If all you spend the money on is the creation and production of that recording, you are destined not to sell very many copies of it, at least not quickly. You have to spend money on all kinds of secondary pieces. These include radio, postering, street teams, promo tours, etc.
c) If you do not tour the album (and who knows? She still might) it's far less likely that you'll boost the sales of that CD.

So let's imagine she was actually a good singer / songwriter. (I am not of this opinion, but I feel the same way about many artists over the past ten years, and I listen to a lot of music.)

Right now, week 1 sales are less than a thousand, but we're talking about an artist with no management, no touring plans, and no major label or distributor to talk on behalf of the CD to radio (Satellite or regular terrestrial), and nobody to book interviews or live performances for her.

I know this sounds ridiculous but it's entirely possible that, if she somehow gains management or an agent, within a year - or even less - she could be seeing some considerable sales. Maybe not chart positions, but more than a measly ~700 copies.

Also keep in mind that she is making all the decisions regarding what she chooses to perform, and they haven't been good ones from a marketing perspective. In the video linked above, she performed a song called "Body Language" at the Miss America pageant. This is actually not that bad of a song. But she chose not to promote this as a single, and in fact it isn't even on the CD at all. If I were her manager I'd be having strongly worded conversations with her about her decision making process.

I'm not deluding myself: in all likelihood this CD will fade into obscurity - or possibly be best known as one of the least sold expensive albums ever made. But I'm saying: who knows? Lots could change between now and a year from now. This is true of any artist, and any CD. If she were on a major label I would feel much more confident in saying "this is a completely dead CD," because labels spend way more on promotion after the fact.

ad

Oh and P.S. that Milla CD is one I play all the time, and an example of a major label (EMI) not putting one single dollar into any kind of promotions for it. It's a great CD. So it just goes to show you.
posted by adamd1 at 7:55 AM on January 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Wow, thanks for the Milla Jovovich rec, I'm digging her music.

She also has the natural breasts of a slender woman (amply on display in The Fifth Element and well...a Google Image Search), which are unfortunately getting rare in Hollywood. If you weigh 100 lbs, you don't get size D breasts.
posted by melissam at 8:42 AM on January 24, 2010

Heidi is simply the reincarnation of Florance Foster Jenkins, also a wealthy woman who decided she would make a lovely album full of nice songs.

Upon her father's death in 1909,[1] Jenkins inherited a sum of money which allowed her to take up the singing career that had been discouraged by her parents and former husband.[2]...Despite her patent lack of ability, Jenkins was firmly convinced of her greatness. She compared herself favorably to the renowned sopranos Frieda Hempel and Luisa Tetrazzini, and dismissed the laughter which often came from the audience during her performances as coming from her rivals consumed by "professional jealousy." She was aware of her critics, however, saying "People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."

posted by melissam at 8:46 AM on January 24, 2010 [7 favorites]

Sometimes I wonder if, years and years from now, these insane non-music-celebrity vanity albums will fall in with your song-poems and your Key of Z stuff (or wind up on some Golden Throats comp of the future, anyway).

And, if and when this happens, I wonder what it'll do to the collector market. Take something like Bruce Willis' Return of Bruno album--they printed quite a few, and not only did relatively few people buy 'em at the time, but relatively few people hung on to them and took care of them.

In a month, Superficial will be cheaper than blank CDs. But don't be shocked if, in twenty or thirty years (or sooner--the cycles are getting shorter), that Heidi Montag CD turns out to be fairly valuable--if, that is, you can find somebody that wants to buy it.
posted by box at 9:13 AM on January 24, 2010

If you spend two million dollars trying to become a (real) celebrity, you've got it backwards. Why would anyone want to be famous? There really isn't any inherent value in it. It seems like it'd be a huge pain in the ass, honestly. On the other hand, I understand wanting to get famous in hopes that you would be rewarded with enormous sums of money. But if you already have enormous sums of money, for God's sake, KEEP IT.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:49 AM on January 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Heidi's lyrics:

They say Im superficial
Some call me a bitch
They just mad cause
Im sexy, famous and Im rich
I rock the latest fashions
And I set the latest trends
Girls say Im conceited
Cause they really wanna be me...blah blah blah

Oink Oink Oink,
Moo Moo Moo
Here a quack there a quack, everywhere a
quack quack....
posted by Skygazer at 9:57 AM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hands up, all those who are tired of "reality tv" whores and gigolos.

[raises both hands]

She's a Heene-style talentless loser. All ego, no skills, and ultimately of no value. Fuck her and the crew that tags along with her.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:15 AM on January 24, 2010

Though, at one point, Stephen Baldwin re-baptized Spencer in a central American river.

There are so many things wrong with that sentence.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:41 AM on January 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

ragging on someone who poured three years of her life and every dollar she had into something she was passionate about

Please. PLEASE. This isn't a real musician, or artist, or someone with any talent or anything to offer the world. This is a cash-in album by the latest disposable waste of space off the boobtube, not a musician who cares about music, planned and focus-grouped by men in suits who see albums as a product no different than kids' cereal: slap a pretty celebrity on 'em an they'll sell. That they didn't sell proves there's something, if ever so small, right about the world.
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:58 AM on January 24, 2010 [5 favorites]

Epic ballads by the musical whores
Life is so boring, project theirs onto yours
Hear the anthems of the Pepsi generation
See the martyrs of our spiritual degradation
posted by DecemberBoy at 11:03 AM on January 24, 2010

Someone (I think here on mefi, maybe on the Balloon Boy thread) noted that the worst thing possible is to be is famous but not rich, since without money to protect yourself you get torn apart quick. I can sort of understand why people want to be famous, but it's truly bafffling that people keep prioritizing fame over wealth.

(though admittedly, this doesn't seem to be as much the case for people who are youtube famous instead of television famous; worst case scenario there seems to be that your life sucks for a little while, but then the guy from Weezer puts you in a video, gives you a hug, and everyone moves on.)
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:45 AM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Another thank you for reminding me of Milla Jovovich's music - I had some of it on a gift mix tape ages ago - now I'm reminded to put some on my To Buy/Purchase Download list - The Gentleman Who Fell was always a favorite of mine. Yeah, she sounds something like Kate Bush, but that's not a bad thing in my book.

Er, and I have to admit I had no clue who this Heidi chick was. First I'd seen of her was someone on a humor video/podcast commenting about her plastic surgery. But then I've been ignoring all the "reality" shows for a while now. I think I'm not in the right demographic for it though.
posted by batgrlHG at 11:47 AM on January 24, 2010

I'm just gonna go ahead and hang onto the fantasy that this whole elaborate Pratt thing is a master work of performance art.

To think otherwise is just too demoralizing.

(That said, I really find it horrifically sad for a 23 year old girl to do that to her face & body. Yeikes.)
posted by Space Kitty at 12:48 PM on January 24, 2010

MetaFilter: "...has somehow endumbnificated me."
posted by ericb at 12:54 PM on January 24, 2010

"And in the end, that means more record sales than if she approached the whole thing as a normal, not especially musically talented human being."

So… how many did that add up to? Five copies? Ten?
posted by klangklangston at 1:04 PM on January 24, 2010

Oh my gaaawwd...

I have to admit that everytime i hear either her or someone mocking her saying the above, I laugh...
posted by schyler523 at 1:04 PM on January 24, 2010

I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days, to that kind of sound.

I, too, enjoyed the Autotuned-out sounds of Thriller.
posted by Spatch at 2:15 PM on January 24, 2010

Like in the Entertainment Weekly interview, where she talks about how long she's spent writing these songs because all of them were very personal to her...

Some very personal lyrics from her song "I'll Do It":

"Pick me, take me, off up into ya dungin
I brought some treats
I know that you gon love em
Come eat my panties off of me
Do whatever you feel comes naturally

(PRE CHORUS)
Cuz I wanna let my hair down
Is that alright
Is that okay (eh eh)
Cuz i wanna let my hair down
Is that alright is that okay (eh eh)"

It seems that her plan to get publicity and sales for this album, was plastic surgery, Botox and a Twitter account.

Regarding Spencer Pratt :

"You know all those annoying Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag photo ops we keep seeing? Well it turns out Spencer has been making a pretty penny off his pretty little girlfriend. Heidi was well aware of the fact that Spencer would tip off the paps for photo ops, but what she didn't know is how much he was pocketing from them. Heidi figured it was just good PR for their show, and if you've ever seen an episode of 'The Hills' you'd know she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Just how much has Spencer pocketed from their little photo ops? According to janetcharltonshollywood.com, he's made nearly $100,000 so far--and that's just from one Hollywood photo agency alone, and Heidi hasn't gotten a single penny."
posted by iviken at 3:05 PM on January 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now listening via Spotify. http://open.spotify.com/track/5H0UFVIHiqCMVT1sXAxvbe

Speaking as some who owns the pop adventures of Tracy Lords, Paris Hilton, and Rhona Mitra pretending to be Lara Croft (an endeavour so obscure I'm yet to find a reference to it online) I can confirm this is awful, a derivative act of somnambulism in which every track is broadly the same. "My Parade" sounds like the work of a Big Brother contestant who's been asked to recreate Britney's Womanizer using Dance e-Jay and a tape recording of their girlfriend's karaoke session.

The one thing it does have in its favour that it isn't the Katie Price and Peter Andre album of which AllMusic said:

"A Whole New World" was the sugar sweet Disney song from the film Aladdin which Aladdin sings to Jasmine as he shows her the delights of Arabia from aboard his magic carpet, but in the hands of Peter Andre, he turns it into a meaningless ditty, for the last thing that Katie Price would have wanted was a new world, there being nothing wrong with her present one. Well actually there was one thing wrong. She can't sing. Enhanced her voice may be, but on the one song she actually begins singing, "Tonight I Celebrate My Love," she has trouble pronouncing the word celebrate which was strange, considering her background. "

Inevitably Spotify also allows us to endure this horror too. http://open.spotify.com/album/1ftVcBkGaw6b7lXFGK9zFD America, for once you're lucky not to have access to the service.
posted by feelinglistless at 3:43 PM on January 24, 2010

We only know that she spent all her money on the album because she said so-unless I've missed something. She's got a nose for staying in the spotlight and she understands her role in the celebrity hierarchy; I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't just shit out an album, game the SoundScan numbers as someone pointed out above, lie about how much time and money she's put into it, and ride the publicity train to, among other things, a multihundred comment Metafilter thread.
posted by Kwine at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2010

and Heidi hasn't gotten a single penny

Yes, well, with the type acumen she has been showing, that's probably a good thing.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:26 PM on January 24, 2010

I like how the interviewer in the Entertainment Weekly piece appears to be saying "ew" at the beginning of each question.
posted by brundlefly at 7:17 PM on January 24, 2010

I can't believe you all fell for this ruse, hook, line and sinker.

This is exactly the kind of schadenfreude she was banking on.

Here's how it goes:

1. Record shitty album for $500
2. Tell everybody you spent every last cent on it; stash $millions$ in the Cayman Islands
3. Declare bankruptcy
4. PROFIT!!!
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:10 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I feel so sorry for her. She was a very pretty girl back when I first started watching the Hills, the prettiest one on the show, and the whole time, she felt frumpy compared to her wealthier friends? Poor kid. It's probably terrible to go through life like that. She doesn't even have real goals in her life.

What I don't understand is the storyline on the show where she wants to have children but she's obsessed with her appearance. She doesn't seem to realize she's going to have to get bigger when she's pregnant and all that work on her body will have to be redone.
posted by anniecat at 6:59 AM on January 25, 2010

You know you're an asshole when Al Roker wants to beat you up.
posted by electroboy at 7:14 AM on January 25, 2010

Discussing the cost of your project before launch is a red flag. Nobody convinced anyone ever to like something just because it cost a lot to make.

I found The Divine Comedy (the album) mostly mediocre (though I bought it back when you had to buy albums to listen to them). I liked Carla Bruni better.

Don't forget one of the older model-turned-singers: Naughty girls need love too.

Is there a source for the 658 album sales claim? Popcrunch links to a Google search result. (Shadow Googlebomb?)

On Amazon, Superficial is #2,359 in MP3 Albums. I clicked some random, less popular act links from that page to compare. Alison Irahata is at #5300 in MP3 Albums. Clicking more, I see Sarah Darling at #35,919. ?!

I realize that the album has been out more than a week now, but I still call SHENANIGANS on that 658 number.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:28 AM on January 25, 2010

Don't forget one of the older model-turned-singers...
posted by hermitosis at 8:59 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is unbelievably sad. She needs some psychological intervention instigated by people who care about her as soon as possible.
posted by Kimberly at 9:34 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Maybe the album is psychological intervention: Music Therapy. Good music therapy costs a few million, you know.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:21 AM on January 25, 2010

I always thought of Grace Jones as a musical artist first, actor/model second. I'm not sure in which order things happened...
posted by mrgrimm at 10:28 AM on January 25, 2010

Really, guys, don't pity her. She's trolling America. She and/or her husband (who is also her manager) called the paparazzi and set up this super-staged photo op after her first music video (for "Higher") got terrible reviews back in 2008. Homegirl just wants her name in tabloids, even if she's being mocked.
posted by oinopaponton at 10:39 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

set up this super-staged photo op after her first music video (for "Higher") got terrible reviews back in 2008.

Hahaha wow. I'm sorry I gave even half a second of thought to this woman.
posted by naju at 10:59 AM on January 25, 2010

She doesn't even have real goals in her life.

I just had a breakthrough. I am way too judgmental.
posted by anniecat at 11:34 AM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

set up this super-staged photo op

hm, socialitelife.com...must...not...argh!...damn:

America is on the mend. Companies are slowly crawling out of financial ruin, people are starting to stand up on their own two feet, and yet Hollywood expects us to take the money we've earned back and stick it in a shredder. If you thought sniffing glue was a bad idea, then prepare yourselves. Spencer and Heidi Pratt are releasing their very first book, How To Be Famous. Why? Because you want to be just like them, that's why. You want people to hate you. You want to say stupid things and fall victim to delusion. You want your every action ridiculed and you want to be ignored for simply being you.

Making the publicity rounds to squeeze every last dollar out their "book", Speidi sat down with Playboy for a meeting of the minds.

"As self-proclaimed experts on the subject, 'Speidi' dishes out advice on 'looking the part, playing the press and becoming a tabloid fixture.' The platinum pair offers up such nuggets of wisdom as 'remember that every little fight with the person you're dating should become a headline' and 'having a conscience is for losers.'

posted by UbuRoivas at 11:50 AM on January 25, 2010

Navelgazer : Milla Jovovich's album is fantastic. Here's another track. ...Her work with Maynard James Keenan's "Puscifer" helps to confirm this for me.

She referenced this collaboration on Twitter a couple of weeks ago, and I got curious so I chased down a track called The Mission, which has been heavy in my mp3 play rotation since.

Weirder, she is going to be featured in his new movie Blood Into Wine which I didn't even realize was about him, until I saw her in the trailer and my mind backpedaled and said "Oh, that Maynard... shit!"
posted by quin at 12:29 PM on January 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nthing the thanks for the reminder about Milla - I got Divine Comedy years ago when I was obsessed with her, and it's pretty good. I have to say that I just listened to one of her songs with Puscifer, and I dig that rather a lot.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:33 PM on January 25, 2010

Let's not forget the original model turned singer.
posted by electroboy at 12:42 PM on January 25, 2010

Ahem. If anyone would like to give kittens for breakfast and my boyfriend USD $2 million for their comic book, I will dye my hair her color and get a brow lift. Do we have a deal?

Wait, that's not how this works?!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:52 PM on January 25, 2010

Really, guys, don't pity her. She's trolling America.

boy, you're not kidding.
posted by Challahtronix at 9:04 PM on January 25, 2010

You know you suck when you're trailing in album sales to Elliot Spitzer's former callgirl's band.
posted by markkraft at 2:16 AM on January 26, 2010

Elliot Spitzer's former callgirl has a band??

Don't answer that.....good grief Charlie Brown.....
posted by Skygazer at 9:47 AM on January 26, 2010