Olympic Pants Wars

February 19, 2010 1:20 PM

At first, it seemed the Azeris would win the Olympic Pants War handily, but then Norway, with its argyle advantage (in crazy and crazier varieties), seemed to have taken the lead. Now, US snowboard cross racer Nate Holland (competing, of course, in this wonderful outfit) is stepping in to set the pants rules for his own sport. But in the end, no matter what country they're competing for, it's the figure skaters who have won. As history has shown us, they always have the best pants of them all.
posted by ocherdraco (73 comments total)

B.C. chiefs deny cursing Norwegian Olympic team
posted by KokuRyu at 1:23 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

The Norwegian curling team's pants are amazing. I'm going to try to find a pair somewhere.
posted by malthas at 1:26 PM on February 19, 2010

These Olympians are the envy of high school history teachers everywhere. And while on the subject...

What keep my legs all warm and hot?
Pants!
What prevents the buffalo shots?
Pants!
What have you got that I ain't got?
Pants?
You said it, brutha...
posted by cimbrog at 1:28 PM on February 19, 2010 [5 favorites]

The best pants are no pants, I always say.
posted by mannequito at 1:29 PM on February 19, 2010

My wife and I were commenting on the official Olympic garb in the opening ceremonies, mostly on which would be most suitable for me (given my love of shorts and outlandish garb). I thought the Azeris were best, because Bermuda shorts for the representatives in Bermuda? Yeah, we get it, you're from Bermuda, but Bermuda Shorts for men are not uniquely Bermudian.

My biggest gripe was the faux-kitchy woven crap Team USA wore. Apparently that "chunky Aran knit" sweater and knit hats were both courtesy of Ralph Lauren. Way to paint the US team as a bunch of privileged snits.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:31 PM on February 19, 2010

New rule for designers: always "throw an eagle on there." That jacket certainly has more than the required number of pieces of flair.
posted by RogerB at 1:33 PM on February 19, 2010

I love the guy that your US/Canadian "pants" are our "underpants"/knickers. Causes great, fairly innocent hilarity every so often. Like now.

Pants War!
posted by alasdair at 1:33 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

This guy looks like a demented Nicolas Cage. Which I guess means he looks exactly like Nicolas Cage.
posted by eggplantplacebo at 1:34 PM on February 19, 2010 [3 favorites]

Are these two really dressed up as mummies? Mummy figure skaters?
posted by echo target at 1:34 PM on February 19, 2010

YoungAmerican does not approve.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 1:35 PM on February 19, 2010

...in your pants, amirite?
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:40 PM on February 19, 2010

That snowboard uniform had me and my husband completely fooled. "Is he in jeans?" "That's insane!" "Maybe it's what he's always worn. It's his thing." "His thing is to be weighed down with several pounds of wet denim." But then he got close enough that we could see the "Burton," and we felt a little foolish.
posted by palliser at 1:41 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

I, for one, LOVE the snowboarding jeans (sorry jesse).
posted by ShawnString at 1:42 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

oh and….. PANTS

its just such a fun word to say
posted by ShawnString at 1:44 PM on February 19, 2010

He's gonna pass the test
He's gonna be the best
The best in terms of pants.
posted by darksasami at 1:44 PM on February 19, 2010 [4 favorites]

Ha! I freind just sent me a link to the big picture shots from the games ... and the first thing I comments on was the pants the Norwegians were wearing.

Damn ...
posted by Relay at 1:46 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

Can any one explain to me why gold-medal-winning skater Evan Lysacek was covered in snakes?
posted by vibrotronica at 1:55 PM on February 19, 2010

Can any one explain to me why gold-medal-winning skater Evan Lysacek was covered in snakes?

They're not snakes.
posted by The World Famous at 2:00 PM on February 19, 2010

> The Norwegian curling team's pants are amazing. I'm going to try to find a pair somewhere.

You know, we used to laugh at car dealers for wearing stuff like that. But throw 'em on some foreigners playing shuffleboard on ice, and suddenly all the hip kids want a pair.
posted by ardgedee at 2:02 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best part of the Azeri pants: they allowed Bob Costas to use the word "sartorial" on national television, thereby teaching America.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 2:05 PM on February 19, 2010

C'mon, now, look at this picture and tell me you don't want a pair for yourself? If they look that good on a strapping Norwegian Olympian, just imagine how good they look off!
posted by Diagonalize at 2:06 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

A pair of strapping Norwegian Olympians, you mean? Rowwrr.
posted by Go Banana at 2:15 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Norwegian curling team's pants are amazing. I'm going to try to find a pair somewhere. (malthas)

The team found them themselves online; I'm sure you can, too. They came from this company.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:21 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mummy figure skaters?

Birch tree figure skaters, I think. Which makes even less sense, unless they're doing a deer hunting motif using real-tree camo, in which case their routine should have had more beer drinking and sitting around in tree stands.

Can any one explain to me why gold-medal-winning skater Evan Lysacek was covered in snakes?

Yes.
posted by Slap*Happy at 2:25 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

"They came from this company."

I am all over the Evel Jeans, man. It's like my childhood dreams have all come true.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:29 PM on February 19, 2010

I'm gonna get me some!
posted by JeffK at 2:30 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

This guy looks like a demented Nicolas Cage. Which I guess means he looks exactly like Nicolas Cage.

His hair is a bird. Your argument is invalid.
posted by signalnine at 2:36 PM on February 19, 2010 [9 favorites]

the roman figure skating outfits are soooooooo ADORABLE. I mean, yeah, they made me laugh out loud, but I WANT those outfits!!!! who wouldn't want gold lamé armor?
posted by supermedusa at 2:44 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Clearly the Joker's henchmen have found it useful to hide in plain sight as a Scandinavian Olympic team. Batman will never think to look in Vancouver. I have little doubt those curling rocks can be primed to release laughing gas.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:46 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

Can any one explain to me why gold-medal-winning skater Evan Lysacek was covered in snakes?

'Cause that's the animal traditionally associated with his House. It's a little gaudy, maybe, but he always has to wear that drab black number when he's teaching Potions, he's got a right to get a bit flashy in his off-time.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:50 PM on February 19, 2010 [12 favorites]

The Norwegian curling team pants are a Thing in the Norwegian press right now. There's been a string of articles, I think the latest one I saw was the manufacturer saying "We've sent some complimentary pants to the Norwegian King and Queen", and the newspaper ominously asking "BUT WILL THEY DARE TO WEAR THEM???"
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:52 PM on February 19, 2010 [5 favorites]

ZOMG I want me some gold lame' boobs too!!

(that said, taking potshots at figure skating costumes is the very definition of shooting fish in a barrel).

Those denim snowboard pants are atrocious. And that's coming from a 41-year-old woman who thinks it's ok to ride in a (black, but still!) pair of these.

but they have HEARTS AND SKULLS ON THEM!! ZOMGCUTE!!
posted by lonefrontranger at 2:54 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

"ZOMG I want me some gold lame' boobs too!!"

I figured that had to be a typo, and you meant "gold lame' boots"

Then I clicked the link, and now I'm not sure any more.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:57 PM on February 19, 2010

Forget about pants. Let's talk about Johnny Weir's awesome corsetry.
posted by brina at 3:00 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

"pants war" is my current favorite phrase in the english language.
posted by flaterik at 3:00 PM on February 19, 2010

Argyle. Plaid. "Denim."

I had no idea my wardrobe was so sporty.

Does this mean I'll have to start wearing neon polyester to reclaim my geek chic?

I still think Azerbaijan's pants win the gold medal. But I'm totally biased.
posted by paisley sheep at 3:16 PM on February 19, 2010

I see where this is going. I'm going to start cornering the market on wide lapels and garish ties now -- suck it, 2014 Olympic fashion plates! You're gonna have to go through me to get your corny faux-retro garb! Hmmm...looking at my closet, I'm off to a fair start already...
posted by mosk at 3:30 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ouch! My Eyes!
posted by bwg at 3:35 PM on February 19, 2010

Is this something I'd have to wear pants to appreciate?
posted by Sailormom at 3:40 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Everyone knows that flames make you go faster.
posted by bwg at 3:40 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Things will get very interesting when the snowboarders drop the 'tude and start wearing skin tight aerodynamic clothing (squares!) and start getting huuuuuuuge amplitude without those baggy pants hanging off their asses.
posted by Elmore at 3:45 PM on February 19, 2010

Is this something I'd have to wear pants to appreciate?

How the hell would any of us know the answer to that?
posted by Elmore at 3:46 PM on February 19, 2010

Things will get very interesting when the snowboarders drop the 'tude and start wearing skin tight aerodynamic clothing (squares!) and start getting huuuuuuuge amplitude without those baggy pants hanging off their asses.

Given that everyone other than Shaun White is clearly holding back and getting less air than they could easily get in the halfpipe (likely because they're scared or can't keep control if they go that big), I don't think it's really an issue in the events where "amplitude" matters. In the events where sheer speed down the course matters, it's silly that they intentionally wear clothing that hurts their performance.
posted by The World Famous at 3:57 PM on February 19, 2010

Is this something I'd have to wear pants to appreciate?

Lady Gaga? Is that you?
posted by kersplunk at 4:01 PM on February 19, 2010

"I'm Pretty Sure The Opening Ceremony Musical Was Written By A 5-Year-Old".

Batman. Playing the fiddle. In an airborne canoe. WTF.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:16 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

Given that everyone other than Shaun White is clearly holding back ...

I don't know too much about this stuff - I just found out what amplitude meant yesterday. I'm curious about 'everyone holding back'. My perception was that White is just a cut above - an elite among elites - like Bolt of Phelps or Woods. I find it odd that his consistent sucess is due to his competitor's fear - those guys look fearless to me. But my armchair view is that less drag would give more speed - greater height for rotations (which seem to be key for some reason) - more points. I'm just a keen spectator and already looking forward to 2014.
posted by Elmore at 4:26 PM on February 19, 2010

In the events where sheer speed down the course matters, it's silly that they intentionally wear clothing that hurts their performance.

Hear hear! Snowboarding had some of its roots in the anti-skiing establishment, but they're both in the Olympic games now. Snowboarding is established now, it's not rebelling against anything. Skiing and snowboarding are on the same level.

Soon they will have rules mandating how baggy and ugly their clothes must be to race. It's the skater kids trying to enforce their anti-rule rules on the experts.
posted by meowzilla at 4:28 PM on February 19, 2010

"I'm Pretty Sure The Opening Ceremony Musical Was Written By A 5-Year-Old".

Batman. Playing the fiddle. In an airborne canoe. WTF.

Seriously. At the very least they could have had something adult and professional like people rollerskating in train costumes or pretty much anything out of Jesus Christ Superstar (or is Funky Disco Jesus not as WTF as Flying Canoe Fiddle Batman?). Let's face it: Musical theater is full of WTF.
posted by The World Famous at 4:31 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, my WTF is a WTF of wonder, not of derision. I'm starting to subscribe to griphus's theory that there's a secret cabal actively trying to make the world just a little bit weirder.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:34 PM on February 19, 2010

I agree, dunkadunc. And that cabal has a significant presence in musical theater and in pretty much every gala performance event. I'm pretty sure the cabal designs skating costumes, too, and they're running out of corsets and pink trim.
posted by The World Famous at 4:42 PM on February 19, 2010

I don't know that baggy clothes are going to slow the snowboarders down that much. They're not going all that fast in snowboard cross, after all, and I'd have thought that if it made a significant difference, moguls skiers would be wearing skintight outfits. Instead, they go baggy too.
posted by ZsigE at 5:22 PM on February 19, 2010

Pants! Pants! Sing the Praises of Pants!

Nothing better shows my taste than what I wear below my waist!
posted by chambers at 6:12 PM on February 19, 2010

Just wanted to point out the NYT linked to an urbandictionary definition. I hope they start doing this in their full articles.
posted by cromagnon at 6:32 PM on February 19, 2010

As someone who spent most of high school wearing purple plaid pants and Hawaiian shirts, I have seen these Norwegian curling pants and I must posess them.
posted by brundlefly at 7:10 PM on February 19, 2010

Also, PANTS!
posted by brundlefly at 7:11 PM on February 19, 2010

Wow, I love love love love this post. Thank you Ocherdraco!
posted by Salamandrous at 7:16 PM on February 19, 2010

...there's a secret cabal actively trying to make the world just a little bit weirder.

I'm pretty sure we're just an urban legend.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:24 PM on February 19, 2010

For those of you looking to buy a pair, the Norwegian team's pants came from Loudmouth Golf. My coworker just ordered a pair of the Dixies for herself and is going to have them tailored down to fit. She's also seriously considering a pair of the Hotdog pants. She's got the attitude to rock loud pants.
posted by onhazier at 7:38 PM on February 19, 2010

The main thing I learned from this post is there's a figure skater named "Irina Slutskaya". No word on her teammates Anna Skeezeova or Olga Whorenko.
posted by DecemberBoy at 8:05 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Loudmouth Golf's online store is "closed for maintenance." Once they get a fresh set of gerbils to run their server, they really should think of cutting in those Norwegians for a slice of their Olympics-related profits.
posted by maudlin at 8:15 PM on February 19, 2010

Batman. Playing the fiddle. In an airborne canoe. WTF.

Point of order: Wolverine is both Canadian and possessed of giant pointy hair. I suspect in any comic-book metaverse, he'd be the fiddler in La Chasse-galerie.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:18 PM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't know too much about this stuff - I just found out what amplitude meant yesterday. I'm curious about 'everyone holding back'.

I'm no expert either, but there are huge differences in height just on that first trick they do, even without twists. I don't think you can say that's all skill — some of them just don't go in at "full speed".

You could also see this in the women's event where some of the competitors would basically start halfway down the initially hill and bring much less speed in.
posted by smackfu at 9:20 PM on February 19, 2010

Soon they will have rules mandating how baggy and ugly their clothes must be to race.

They already have rules for bagginess (must be able to pinch at least 8cm in the legs and 6 in the arms). Ugliness is left up to each individual competitor.

I think the jeans pants are awesome. I'd wear them.
posted by fshgrl at 9:27 PM on February 19, 2010

I'm curious about 'everyone holding back'.

Most of the men were not starting from the top of the run and were intentionally limiting their speed entering the pipe. Amplitude is in large part a function of entry speed, and they were clearly not going all out - except for White.

My perception was that White is just a cut above - an elite among elites - like Bolt of Phelps or Woods.

He is, indeed, a cut above. And one of the attributes of that cut above is that he is relatively fearless compared to the other guys and is willing to enter the pipe with a ton more speed than they are. The other guys are physically capable of getting just as much air as he does, especially off that first hit. The reason they don't is that they're not as confident as he is that they won't wreck spectacularly when they come back down from that huge air. Same thing with the spinning and flipping tricks. Spinning 5 feet above the lip is a lot less scary than spinning 12 feet above the lip, and when you crash from 5 feet up, you're a lot less likely to get brain damage from the impact.

But my armchair view is that less drag would give more speed - greater height for rotations (which seem to be key for some reason) - more points.

It would give a tiny bit more speed. Enough to be significant if it was a long, timed race. But even Shaun White could a) get more speed than he currently is - he's in control and could definitely be going faster without changing his pants, and b) go higher than he is - just not with the same level of control or confidence that he will not blow the rest of the run with a bad first landing.
posted by The World Famous at 9:34 PM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Norwegian curling team's pants are amazing. I'm going to try to find a pair somewhere.

Loudmouthgolf's US web store is closed (perfect timing, guys), so you have to look under trousers.

(Hey, look, they have swedish and danish versions too. Go Scandinavia!).
posted by effbot at 10:07 PM on February 19, 2010

Love the pants. But can we move on to helmets now? Because the Raging Beaver is awesome.
posted by misha at 3:25 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Incidentally, has anybody yet asked Don Cherry what he thinks of this trend?
posted by ardgedee at 4:20 PM on February 20, 2010

"Irina Slutskaya"

You forgot Khokhlova.
posted by Rat Spatula at 12:35 AM on February 21, 2010

I'm thinking they are are from Planet 10.

Where are we going?
Planet 10!
When?
Real soon!
...

Where are the Hong Kong Cavaliers when you need them?
posted by warbaby at 8:54 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Apparently, going to the Olympics is like being a bridesmaid. You have to wear something weird that looks good on maybe 1 person, and the person who picked it out assures you you'll wear it again.
posted by theora55 at 10:14 AM on February 21, 2010

Spinning 5 feet above the lip is a lot less scary than spinning 12 feet above the lip, and when you crash from 5 feet up, you're a lot less likely to get brain damage from the impact.

One way White has developed the control to not clip the edge of the deck on the way back down is by practicing in a low-consequences environment: a foam pit off the end of his "secret" Red Bull "Project X" halfpipe.

He did seem to cut his speed a bit on the way down the hill into the pipe on his 1st run- you could hear an edge digging in. My f-ing Motorola cable HD PVR can't handle trick play on a 3.5 hour video so I haven't seen the 2nd run yet.
posted by morganw at 10:32 AM on February 21, 2010

WHAT WAS THIS DISPLAY OF ICE DANCING CRAZY?
posted by palliser at 8:01 AM on February 22, 2010

Loudmouthgolf's US web store is closed (perfect timing, guys)

I don't know what you're talking about. I ordered a pair on Saturday and just got them today. They are fucking dope. I'm taking them to Vegas in 2 weeks.
posted by dogwalker at 5:58 PM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]