The School House Gentlemen's Club.

June 4, 2010 4:18 PM

Mr. Kearney, who says he has spent thousands of dollars renovating the leased building, said: “If these people had such fond memories of this place, then they should be ashamed — because it was falling apart.”

Bob Kearney, an out-of-work electrician, and his partner, Travis Funneman, have turned the former Pioneer Elementary School at Zike's Corner, east of Neoga, Illinois, into a strip club.

There's no zoning to speak of, and the club doesn't serve liquor, so no public hearings had to be held about the intended business beforehand. Residents aren't happy about the development, and regularly stage prayer circles across the street. The county's scrambling to get an ordinance on the books that would regulate sex-oriented businesses, but has been hampered by the steep costs of accurate mapping. --Meanwhile, one of the dancers tells the Times she's making up to $700 a night. It's the only such club for 60 miles.

posted by kipmanley (56 comments total)

America in a nutshell.
posted by weezy at 4:20 PM on June 4, 2010 [5 favorites]

“They say you’re supposed to hate the sin but love the sinner, but I get the feeling they just want us to go to hell.”

American politics in a nutshell.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:33 PM on June 4, 2010 [14 favorites]

Just don't grab the student dancer by the throat.

/ sorry, wrong thread
posted by HuronBob at 4:41 PM on June 4, 2010

“What you get out of a place like this is rape, venereal diseases and a lot of divorces.”

I wonder what they have to say about service in the armed forces...
posted by yeloson at 4:42 PM on June 4, 2010 [12 favorites]

You can never go home again but I guess you can strip there.
posted by jamaro at 4:45 PM on June 4, 2010 [7 favorites]

HI! Welcome to Raisins!
posted by sexyrobot at 4:45 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

“What you get out of a place like this is rape, venereal diseases and a lot of divorces.”

They're talking about the Midwest, right?
posted by Avenger at 4:48 PM on June 4, 2010 [7 favorites]

They need one of these. Note that once you get into the definitions, most R-rated movies are illegal, as are all motels with cable TV. With every movie theater and motel in town breaking the law, do you think it's enforced? Nope. But it got passed in time to shut out a *gasp* strip club.

The draft text was provided by the ever-helpful Don Wildmon's AFA.

Smart that these guys got in under the wire, but they are unlikely to be allowed to prosper.

Video of the testimony when they're holding hearings on these sort of ordinances are pure comedy gold.
posted by warbaby at 4:49 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

What ... exactly is the problem here? I mean outside of 70-year-old Billy Moran not appreciating the fact that perhaps not everyone in Neoga wants to grow old stocking shelves at WalMart.
posted by griphus at 4:52 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

What ... exactly is the problem here?

A delicious twist of sin and fondly remembered innocence, topped with a plump dollop of boredom.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 5:00 PM on June 4, 2010

this is dumb and this story is thin shit. I mean, at this point I'm used to the nytimes not really trying very hard, but if you're desperate enough for material to cover, consider just publishing a thinner paper. it's a stripclub. it has a naughty theme. cranky people are cranky. fucking whatever.
posted by shmegegge at 5:02 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

With every movie theater and motel in town breaking the law, do you think it's enforced? Nope. But it got passed in time to shut out a *gasp* strip club.

Personally, I think the best thing that we can do to get rid of awful laws is to enforce them vigorously. If I were police chief of that town (a small-town liberal police chief?) I would be crashing the gates of every business in town where someone might see some skin 1 degree below the bikini line. Gambling illegal? Launch no-knock SWAT raids against Saturday-night poker games in people's private residences. Dry county? Bust down people's front door looking for beer. If they have a case of beer in the fridge, that's possession with intent to distribute. Sodomy laws? Crash into any bedroom where screams of passion can be heard from the street. Initiate a probable cause search for a potential Sodomy in Progress.

The only reason these retarded morality laws are tolerated in America is that they are specifically designed to be used as bludgeons against Undesirables. Once the rest of white-bread suburban America starts to get a taste of the lash, they might start to mind their own business.

Or not. Who knows.
posted by Avenger at 5:03 PM on June 4, 2010 [11 favorites]

A delicious twist of sin and fondly remembered innocence, topped with a plump dollop of boredom.

They're talking about the Midwest, right?
posted by amethysts at 5:04 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm most shocked by the idea of a strip club that doesn't serve alcohol.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:04 PM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

A strip club that doesn't serve booze?! This, sir, is an OUTRAGE.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:05 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jinx, shakespeherian! GMTA.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:08 PM on June 4, 2010

Look at the map- Springfield and Shelbyville are just up the road. Coincidence? I think so.

Jeez, that place is in the middle of nowhere. I'd bet any money NONE of the busy bodies complaining would ever know about it. At least, until their men-folk started coming home late and smelling of vanilla.
posted by gjc at 5:09 PM on June 4, 2010

One of the dancers is 46. Is she eligible to stock shelves yet?
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:09 PM on June 4, 2010

You can never go home again but I guess you can strip there.

I did not come into this thread expecting a Grosse Point Blank reference but I am pleased as punch to have found one.

Also, aren't most strip clubs pretty small? A strip club that's been converted from an elementary school must be EPIC.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:10 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

On a recent night a pair of strippers climbed, slid — and sometimes slipped — to the strains of Van Halen, before an apathetic group of about 10 men.

I think I know exactly what song they were playing.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:10 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

“What you get out of a place like this is rape, venereal diseases and a lot of divorces.”
Don't believe the sales pitch - they make you pay for some bullshit Platinum Membership before you can even get a mild burning sensation when you piss.
posted by Abiezer at 5:12 PM on June 4, 2010 [11 favorites]

Metafilter: Cranky people are cranky. Fucking whatever.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2010

There are a lot of schools. They often close. This was kind of inevitable.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 5:31 PM on June 4, 2010

People... Metafilter people... are the craaaaaaankiest people... in the world....
posted by Kinbote at 5:32 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

A strip club that's been converted from an elementary school must be EPIC.

Two words: Monkey Bars.
posted by yeloson at 5:54 PM on June 4, 2010 [5 favorites]

The only outrage here is that they didn't pick a better name than The School House. I think something with "Teachers" in the title would have been more apropos: Teachers, The Teacher's Lounge, Hot For Teachers, Cheerleaders, The Charm School, Live Nude Girls Dancing! -- almost anything. The School House? Bor-ing!

As for this thread title? Another opportunity lost. School House Rocks, Hot For Teachers (yeah, it's a repeat -- fucking whatever), No Children Left Behind, Vocational Training, Too Cool for School, Getting an 'A' in T&A -- the possibilities are endless.

I'm here all week, folks! Try the veal!
posted by mosk at 5:58 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]

Actually, mosk, I find the tension inherent in the title they chose—School House Gentlemen’s Club—to be awfully, as Nitsuh Abebe might put it, resonant. But I have a terribly dessicated sense of humor.
posted by kipmanley at 6:02 PM on June 4, 2010

Based on the Google Street View, Neoga may be the Illinois version of Silent Hill. Travel along 6th street, and the weather shifts from beautiful to menacing several times. Keep a safe distance from those strippers or they might rip your face off.
posted by roger ackroyd at 6:04 PM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

I'm most shocked by the idea of a strip club that doesn't serve alcohol.

Fairly common in IL, probably elsewhere. The laws tighten up when you mix full nudity and alcohol. The full-bar, full-nude places tend to be in the more corrupt or lax municipalities.
posted by gjc at 6:14 PM on June 4, 2010

Keep a safe distance from those strippers or they might rip your face off

No booze AND no bouncers? This is an odd business plan.
posted by Kirk Grim at 6:14 PM on June 4, 2010

I think I know exactly what song they were playing.

You'd think that, but it was actually this one. Irony, nei?
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:14 PM on June 4, 2010

Four-Day School Weeks Gaining Popularity During Downturn. Maybe they could split the rent.
posted by R. Mutt at 6:16 PM on June 4, 2010

$20. Same as in junior high.
posted by hal9k at 6:24 PM on June 4, 2010

The first strip club in Santa Barbara, CA, was a juice bar, due to a prohibition on naked ladies and booze. But this was located in an industrial/commercial part of town, so it lacked the drama of replacing any historic buildings.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:26 PM on June 4, 2010

That's not so bad. This is much worse.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:32 PM on June 4, 2010

“What you get out of a place like this is rape, venereal diseases and a lot of divorces.”

I totally agree.

He was talking about schools, right?
posted by lumpenprole at 6:41 PM on June 4, 2010

He's just being an entrepreneur. Where's the Tea Party to stand up for his liberty and keep big government out of his way?
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:57 PM on June 4, 2010 [5 favorites]

The full-bar, full-nude places tend to be in the more corrupt or lax municipalities.

Canada... ?
posted by GuyZero at 7:00 PM on June 4, 2010

The only outrage here is that they didn't pick a better name than The School House. I think something with "Teachers" in the title would have been more apropos: Teachers, The Teacher's Lounge, Hot For Teachers, Cheerleaders, The Charm School, Live Nude Girls Dancing! -- almost anything. The School House? Bor-ing!

I was thinking The Teacher's Pet might work.
posted by mannequito at 7:03 PM on June 4, 2010

The full-bar, full-nude places tend to be in the more corrupt or lax municipalities.

Canada... ?

The more corrupt and lax municipalities and those places where you would not be a fool to think that people could behave themselves while simultaneously drunk and in the presence of naked writhing women.
posted by amethysts at 7:16 PM on June 4, 2010

I have no idea if the sentence above makes any sense. You get the idea. Americans can't be trusted to behave themselves.
posted by amethysts at 7:17 PM on June 4, 2010

“It’s corrupted my memory,” said Michelle Porter, 33, who attended the school.

I want to make a computer or robot joke about Ms. Porter and her corrupt memory. I'm not witty enough.
posted by artlung at 7:18 PM on June 4, 2010

“It’s corrupted my memory,” said Michelle Porter, 33, who attended the school.

Hate to tell her this, but her teachers (well, some of them) were almost certainly having sexy sex during the years she attended.
posted by maxwelton at 8:21 PM on June 4, 2010

My hometown had a dilemma of what to do with the old, crumbling former high school building. One of the perennial ideas was to turn it into a senior housing complex. As depressing it would be to become a stripper in your former elementary school, spending your final years walking the halls of your old high school could be even more traumatic.
posted by serathen at 9:39 PM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]

OH NOES KIDS USED TO BE IN A BUILDING THAT IS NOW OCCUPIED BY STRIPPERS THIS WILL RETROACTIVELY DAMAGE THE CHILDREN
posted by davejay at 10:02 PM on June 4, 2010

I'm most shocked by the idea of a strip club that doesn't serve alcohol.

It's actually a pretty common compromise -- you can have an adult entertainment license, or an alcohol license, but not both.
posted by dhartung at 10:38 PM on June 4, 2010

spending your final years walking the halls of your old high school could be even more traumatic.

Are you kidding? I'm not 50 and I've already had that nightmare countless times... man, there's that one class that I keep cutting, I can't even remember what it is, let alone where it meets--oh, hey, here it is, I wonder if I can just sneak in and sit in the back oh shit TODAY IS THE FINAL
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:07 PM on June 4, 2010

Kirth Gerson's link: a local church has finalized a deal to buy and renovate a notorious strip club.

I want to go and protest outside; hold up signs that say DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? RON JEREMY DOES.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 1:44 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ha. My brother accidently took me his underage sister to a strip club in Cali. I was so disapointed that I couldn't get a stiff drink. Otoh the cocktail waitresses were sooo nice to me.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 2:15 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

spending your final years walking the halls of your old high school could be even more traumatic.

Are you kidding? I'm not 50 and I've already had that nightmare countless times... man, there's that one class that I keep cutting, I can't even remember what it is, let alone where it meets--oh, hey, here it is, I wonder if I can just sneak in and sit in the back oh shit TODAY IS THE FINAL

HA! I still have those nightmares. The nice thing about living in your old high school would be that you could actually find room 103 and make sure the final isn't going on. On the other hand, you'd have to see a 90 year old jock nailing an 80 year old cheerleader.
posted by gjc at 5:18 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm most shocked by the idea of a strip club that doesn't serve alcohol.

I live in Kansas, and this is the way it is if you want to have a full nude strip club. You can't have one within city limits (dancers have to put tape over their nipples), but it's OK out in unincorporated areas of the county.

I'm pretty sure it's in the county code that they can't have full nude if there's alcohol being served.
posted by reenum at 7:08 AM on June 5, 2010

A few years back, a strip club near where I work shut down (actually moved to a bigger location) and the building is now a day care.
The universe is in balanced harmony.
posted by rocket88 at 8:17 AM on June 5, 2010

Was that article written for a game of Strip Club Bingo? I think it hit every possible trope.

Community outrage? Check. (Bonus points for claim of "rape, venereal diseases, and divorces.") Biblically-based shaming? Check. Stripper putting herself through school? Check. Photo of stripper wearing lucite shoes (in the paper of record, this was necessary)? Check. A stripper by the name of Candy?! Now you're just making this up, aren't you, NYT?

The hilarious-but-realistic-but-sad claim that in a small town, if you don't work in a gas station, you don't have a job, is just icing on the cake.
posted by jocelmeow at 10:27 AM on June 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Ha. My brother accidently took me his underage sister to a strip club in Cali. I was so disapointed that I couldn't get a stiff drink. Otoh the cocktail waitresses were sooo nice to me.

Accidentally? I don't ever recall accidentally ending up in a strip club. There has to be more to this story.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:09 PM on June 5, 2010

My hometown had a dilemma of what to do with the old, crumbling former high school building. One of the perennial ideas was to turn it into a senior housing complex.

serathen, you don't come from Garner, NC, do you? Because that's exactly what they did. It's a lovely old brick school that has been restored and landscaped beautifully. I've taken yoga classes in the fitness center center. As an added bonus the town kept the auditorium as a (small) show venue; the Town Players perform there as do traveling music acts-- I saw Ralph Stanley perform there. The only thing I don't like about it is they kept the same old hard wooden seats that fold up.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:08 PM on June 5, 2010

Sadly krinklyfig, not really. I was home from college and we were supposed to go out drinking, but his other friends we were meeting wouldn't leave the strip club and somehow no one was communicating that I was there. (These are all guys I grew up with, like having six big brothers). So we got to the strip club and all the boys that made us meet them at the strip club were mortified and I couldn't get any whisk(e)y and then we left. It was fun just to watch them squirm.
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 3:33 PM on June 24, 2010