One way to move on after a divorce
June 24, 2010 6:19 PM   Subscribe

My wife of 12 years packed up her belongings last year and moved out of our home. After her car was loaded I couldn't help but notice that a single item remained in her section of our closet, her wedding dress. "You forgot something" I told her. She replied "And what's that?". "Your wedding dress", I said. "Yeah, I am not taking that" was her response. "What do you expect me to do with it?" I asked. And to that she replied, "Whatever the $%^@# you want". And this is what I did.....
posted by Brandon Blatcher (105 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Ha ha! "I had to borrow the cat and the litter box but the dress came through once more."
posted by rhizome at 6:22 PM on June 24, 2010


See guys, good things do come out of Arizona sometimes.
posted by Precision at 6:26 PM on June 24, 2010


One spouse down, still over 200 remaining.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:27 PM on June 24, 2010


For a second I thought I was reading the start of the saddest ask.me ever, I'm glad this guy found something productive to do with the remains of his relationship.
posted by borkencode at 6:28 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


I don't know. He sounds kinda bitter. I mean it seems to me, he's trying to portray this as a kind of a clever lark, but it just doesn't smell right to me... I mean, if it's over, why drag it out on and on and on. A bit too persistent, seems to me, thou doth protest too much. Eh, maybe I'm just overly cynical /shrug/.
posted by VikingSword at 6:32 PM on June 24, 2010 [10 favorites]


I think if the dude found one clever use for it and it remained in that one situation it would have been more effective. But the episodic thing, it's too much like the dude needs to punish or humiliate a feminine object with the help of his bros and that's reflecting poorly on him. I didn't read all his text so maybe I'm missing something, but that's my drive-by take.

Not knocking the FPP, it was a good setup for a timeless gag on a powerful social icon.
posted by drowsy at 6:32 PM on June 24, 2010 [15 favorites]


He sounds kinda bitter.

KINDA?
posted by crunchland at 6:34 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


I hope by the last post he's drunk on tequila and telling the dress how sorry he is and won't you please come back.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 6:42 PM on June 24, 2010 [27 favorites]


it's too much like the dude needs to punish or humiliate a feminine object...

You're trying to hard. It's his ex-wife's object. 'nuff said.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:43 PM on June 24, 2010 [17 favorites]


The worst part about his inability to process personal loss is that he's now found a source of attention that's filling the void left by his former wife's devastating departure. Sadly, these pictures will still be around for viewing when his kids start to form adult opinions of him and they'll probably realize that he's a petty little pice of shit, the same conclusion that any intelligent mefite can reach.

What's he going to do when the internets tire of him in fifteen seconds? Smash his computer and take pictures of it? He must've been a real treat to (insert motherly/wife duties here).
posted by jsavimbi at 6:48 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


It's effed up for him to do this so publicly when he and his ex have kids together.
posted by sallybrown at 6:50 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


> I don't know. He sounds kinda bitter. I mean it seems to me, he's trying to portray this as a kind of a clever lark, but it just doesn't smell right to me... I mean, if it's over, why drag it out on and on and on. A bit too persistent, seems to me, thou doth protest too much. Eh, maybe I'm just overly cynical /shrug/.

I thought exactly that at first, too. But what's the alternative? Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?
posted by clockzero at 6:50 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


Rebound sex.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:52 PM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]


But what's the alternative? Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

Move on?
posted by jsavimbi at 6:52 PM on June 24, 2010 [10 favorites]


THIS is your response to the shattering of an emotional relationship? Intentionally inciting worldwide mocking of your lover; the past object of your deepest attachments? Gee, ... I wonder why she left? As if.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 6:54 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


You know, obsessing about uses for your ex-spouses wedding garment is not exactly my idea of moving on.

Donating to a charity store. Now there's a use.
posted by unSane at 6:54 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]


Well, if it makes him feel better, more power to him. He's taking what little control he has of the situation and running with it. All the same, I think I can sort of see why she left him.

And he might want to put a "noarchive" meta tag on all his pages, just the same.
posted by crunchland at 6:54 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

I don't know, maybe keep the moral high ground and not make a blog out of ways to ruin his ex-wife's wedding dress?

He's just coming across has a jerk, and the blog kind of left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
posted by pecknpah at 6:57 PM on June 24, 2010


posted by clockzero Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

Move to Seattle with your father and brother and get a job at a radio call-in show psychiatrist.

Or, write country & western / blues songs. I think a few other folks have done that.
posted by mattdidthat at 6:57 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


I thought exactly that at first, too. But what's the alternative? Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

Give yourself time to mourn, get your life's accoutrement in order, do a little introspection re: how much was you, how much was them, and how much was the combination of the two, then move on?

and donate the dress to goodwill I suppose
posted by davejay at 6:58 PM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


This is just...pitiful.
posted by custardfairy at 7:04 PM on June 24, 2010


You guys are all way too serious. "Needs to humiliate a feminine object"?!?! Oh for christsakes, get off it. If a woman did this to her own wedding dress would you say that? This is hilarious and this guy is hilarious. I think my favorite one was the dental floss.
posted by phunniemee at 7:05 PM on June 24, 2010 [13 favorites]


i agree with the eponysterical phunniemee. i think the concept's funny. but, i am one of those people who appreciates sarcastically bitter humor.
posted by liza at 7:11 PM on June 24, 2010


Wedding dresses are expensive - he should have sold it and used that money to buy himself something nice. Or you know, donated the money to charity.

I do sympathize with him, but this is one dark and sad post-break-up project.
posted by archivist at 7:12 PM on June 24, 2010


You guys are being way too hard on this guy. He's having some fun, and doing it in good humor. There's nothing wrong with that. What the hell was he supposed to do with the wedding dress? She didn't want it. That just left it open to be torn to bits. It's an object that has the ability to remind him of things that hurt emotionally and he's dealing with it quite well, I'd say.

He's also funny.
posted by Malice at 7:18 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


Dude shouldn't have married a 12-year-old anyway.
posted by Mister_A at 7:19 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]


Looks dangerous! That dress could catch on something at 50mph or whatever.
posted by grobstein at 7:21 PM on June 24, 2010


It's amazing how clean it still looks.
posted by orange swan at 7:21 PM on June 24, 2010


If it's therapeutic for him, who cares?

Although the fact that he says that he doesn't know how to "track women down" anymore is more than slightly creepy.
posted by blucevalo at 7:23 PM on June 24, 2010


Read some. Then it just squicked me out. Not my cup of FPP, but whatever.
posted by Splunge at 7:29 PM on June 24, 2010


he's dealing with it quite well, I'd say.


I wouldn't.
posted by Splunge at 7:30 PM on June 24, 2010


If this guy is like this to his ex-wife when she is no longer part of his life, imagine what it must have been like for her to have to live with him. Perhaps he should devote his time and energy into learning from the experience, rather than, quite frankly, working hard to defile someone's memory.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:32 PM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference.
If you still hate your ex, you haven't moved on.
posted by rocket88 at 7:33 PM on June 24, 2010 [15 favorites]


It must be exhausting to do The Appropriate Thing all the time.
posted by clockzero at 7:34 PM on June 24, 2010 [21 favorites]


I feel sorry for Brandon and the difficulties he's having dealing with his ex wife dumping him.

(That's what this was about, right?)
posted by Nick Verstayne at 7:34 PM on June 24, 2010


The way Kathy Lee Gifford says the word "blog" makes my blood run cold.
posted by Ouisch at 7:38 PM on June 24, 2010


He's got kids. I'm betting they won't find this very funny.
posted by rtha at 7:45 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


It must be exhausting to do The Appropriate Thing all the time.

Not as exhausting as growing up with a dad who uses his 15 minutes to tell the world how much he hates your mom.
posted by sallybrown at 7:49 PM on June 24, 2010 [19 favorites]


I'm pretty sure, if he plays his cards right, he can finagle this into a reality show on Bravo. If you've ever had to endure any of the "Real Housewives" shows, you know what I mean.
posted by crunchland at 7:53 PM on June 24, 2010


It must be exhausting to do The Appropriate Thing all the time.
Not as exhausting as growing up with a dad who uses his 15 minutes to tell the world how much he hates your mom.


QFT.

Also, ugh for two reasons:

1) the ongoing nastiness in which he is engaging; and
2) the fact that he put this up on the web where his kids, and his kids' friends, and his own friends, and neighbors, and co-workers, ad infinitum, can see it.
posted by tzikeh at 7:55 PM on June 24, 2010


if it's over, why drag it out on and on and on?

Look At This Fucking Idea For A Blog-To-Book Deal
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:56 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


When Metafilter spousing turns sour.
posted by ob at 7:59 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


If this guy is like this to his ex-wife's dress, imagine what it must have been like to live with her.

Or something.
posted by Sailormom at 8:02 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Eck.

Dude, you apparently have plenty of time. Please get professional therapy.
posted by desuetude at 8:02 PM on June 24, 2010


You're trying to hard. It's his ex-wife's object. 'nuff said.
Oh for christsakes, get off it.

I'm not trying at all, to raise your consciousness, or get po-mo on it. But it seemed obvious to me. In a flash: A wedding dress is a big deal. And there were three parties, the guy, his ex, and the relationship. For my taste it seems the dress mangling is a physical stand-in for his ex and not really as a stand-in of the relationship gone bad. That's why I was thinking that if he made the dress into a lampshade, and it became a solitary gag in his living room, that would be more funny to me.

Sorry that trips your PC-dar, but that's what I came away with in the first few seconds.

But I see that the guy's counselor gave it the thumbs up, so good for the guy and good for you.
posted by drowsy at 8:04 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

You know I was thinking, oh, well, he'll burn it in a fire, maybe spray paint it first, stomp on it, what have you...a little scary but perhaps ok.

This drawn-out stuff...huh. I mean, do whatever you need to, but reading it makes me pretty uncomfortable. Not because I think he was necessarily "the bad one" who knows, maybe she was an awful person to live with. But I really wish he'd take it up with a therapist instead of venting his violent urges on an object that, let's face it, represents her...or at least, their relationship. Both of which, at some time, he presumably loved. Which takes this right out of funny and into sad/disturbing.

If it was a woman doing the same thing to her husband's wedding tux (or whatever), then yeah, I would also not enjoy it.
posted by emjaybee at 8:05 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


I hardly think those are the only two options.
posted by clockzero at 8:07 PM on June 24, 2010


Fake.

Fakity-fake fake.

After just one of those stunts, the uber-white & delicate dress would be stained & torn.

As of the beginning of Stunt #34, it was still white & whole.

Just how many of those dresses does he own?
posted by IAmBroom at 8:07 PM on June 24, 2010 [11 favorites]


Not as exhausting as growing up with a dad who uses his 15 minutes to tell the world how much he hates your mom.

It's really exhausting the way we assume people who come to our attention are instantly "famous" and therefore their fame is worth our critical examination. It's a habit I'd like to see more people kick.

In the last year I've written three or four things which all led to my getting a lot of attention from certain communities. Every time I got a bit of hate mail from people whose attitudes were like yours, Sally: Lots of bashing me for getting attention with the things I wrote, lots of insinuations about my personal character. I think they all assumed that when you write something that gets attention you know in advance that it'll get attention. (It's possible to manufacture hits, of course, but the vast majority of people who get attention online aren't calculating like that.) And so when the thing that gets famous is in some way NOT a perfect reflection of morals and maturity and standards, then it's assumed the person behind it is simply immoral and immature.

I've also met and talked to quite a few people who have had similar 15 minutes. It's exceedingly rare for the person in question to really have a self-consciousness about what they do. The Internet is not a high-concept zone where every participant has overthought their ideas, phrasings, etc. It's much more frequently a stream-of-consciousness dictated by impulse and whim. (There are exceptions, and there are crossovers like Ze Frank, who accidentally had a hit and then really put some effort into making meaningful statements about the Internet. But that's still the minority.)

In this case the guy seems like he's having a fun time gleefully disrespecting his ex-wife's wedding dress, in response to her initial disrespect for it. She didn't value it, and so he's not either. Not the most mature thing I've ever seen, but certainly not something that suggests he's overly bitter or resentful. The writing feels very fun. No sniping about the wife. On the contrary, he seems pretty level-headed overall.

So to instantly assume that because he keeps a fun blog like this he's exhausting, or he's calculated a bid for fame off the memory of his wife, is pretty kneejerk and stupid. I've had a lot of that bullshit aimed at me, and it bothers me when it's aimed at other people too. You dehumanize somebody when you treat him like a simple force of celebrity.
posted by Rory Marinich at 8:10 PM on June 24, 2010 [14 favorites]


Ah, this is what I get for skimming. I didn't notice that he had kids. That certainly does cast his behavior in a different light.
posted by clockzero at 8:12 PM on June 24, 2010


Imagining some even better way to leverage your obsession, you then cross over from compulsive to fanatic.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 8:15 PM on June 24, 2010


IAmBroom: "Fake.

Fakity-fake fake.
"

Totally agree, it's not like wedding dresses are machine washable. They cost hundreds of dollars to clean and iron. This reeks not only of "fuck that bitch", (especially the reader contributed stories), but of being deliberately viral and staged.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:16 PM on June 24, 2010


From the blog: "Help me come up with 101 uses for this dress. I have many good ones but need more to complete 101."

Why 101? "101 things to do with your ex-wife's wedding dress." Sure sounds like he's fishing for a book deal to me. Perhaps he should've read 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:16 PM on June 24, 2010


This seems like an anachronism already. I read a lot of photography blogs and the wedding photographers now all talk about this new "tradition" of a "wreck the dress" shot. Usually it's some shot of diving into water or mud, taken shortly after the wedding or after the honeymoon. At the top of that blog is a pic from a woman named Kim that is fairly representative of that kind of wreck the dress thing. So nowadays, many people don't even keep their wedding dresses, they deliberately ruin them immediately. Personally, I think this "tradition" is a con by wedding photogs to get the couple to pay for another photo session.
posted by charlie don't surf at 8:19 PM on June 24, 2010


I spent a week or two asking my lawyer if she could get my ex's car so I could turn it into an interpretive lawn gnome, but there was a lot of dysfunctional BS around my ex and his car in my first marriage.

That being said, I got over it after a week.

Also, who the hell cooks food wearing something that's been used as a litter box liner? AAAUGH TOXOPLASMOSIS
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:20 PM on June 24, 2010


Every time I got a bit of hate mail from people whose attitudes were like yours, Sally: Lots of bashing me for getting attention with the things I wrote, lots of insinuations about my personal character. I think they all assumed that when you write something that gets attention you know in advance that it'll get attention....So to instantly assume that because he keeps a fun blog like this he's exhausting, or he's calculated a bid for fame off the memory of his wife, is pretty kneejerk and stupid. I've had a lot of that bullshit aimed at me, and it bothers me when it's aimed at other people too. You dehumanize somebody when you treat him like a simple force of celebrity.

And yet it's fine to assume from my words that I have a special kneejerk stupidity in common with people who write hate mail? Yikes.

My point was: most kids have a very difficult time when their parents divorce. Animosity between their parents often makes that experience worse. My point has nothing to do with this guy's real character, so your lecture is actually inapposite. Maybe this guy actually holds no animosity towards his ex. The blog itself, though--something easily accessible and very public (see the Today show clip he himself posted, and the photo of him mucking with the dress in front of German TV cameras)--is centered around defiling, or at the very least mocking, these kids' mom and dad.
posted by sallybrown at 8:35 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


What Fuzzy Monster said. He's doing it for a book deal. In fact, he had sent out the idea to publishers prior to doing the blog.

He also mentions that the ex knows about the blog and he also has a girlfriend. I found that out in the few minutes it took to skim the blog.
posted by SuzySmith at 8:50 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


"wreck the dress" shot

I could see that being funny. But that's different. That's an existing couple giving the finger to the world for forcing the wedding on them, when all's they wanted was a marriage. And it makes sense. A wedding is an ordeal, so some payback seems right. The dress itself is the enemy, bested. But now I'm way too engaged in the issue (no pun) and its time to move on for me.

I had no idea about this as a trend, charlie, so thanks for posting that.
posted by drowsy at 8:51 PM on June 24, 2010


Hey dude, your slip is showing.
posted by nola at 9:08 PM on June 24, 2010


There is such a thing as love at first sight. You won't get that, as that's reserved for fairy-tale-telling sonsabitches. In the real world, things are messy, people clash in unexpected ways, and yes, you can have a lifelong relationship. It will be hard and ceaseless work.

When my wife and I married, I was two years into knowing for sure this was where I was meant to be in a five year relationship... the wedding itself was something my wife and our families wanted, a fun event to acknowledge what we knew all along: this is it.

A lot of couple rush towards marriage, he because he hopes it will "settle her down", she because it's a childhood fantasy to have a fine wedding. The aftermath is often epic, with inhuman cruelty on both sides - hence this reprehensible site.

I'm a firm advocate in living together for at least three years. Understand, really understand, the person you are sharing your life with. If things are less than rosy, then the real deal is revealed. Can you put up with it? Can she? The ring is the last stage, not the first, not somewhere in between.

A wedding is a commitment, not a passing fancy. Divorce is ugly and messy and expensive - and utterly necessary to protect nitwits from each other. Don't be a nitwit. Wait, and trust, and live, and love. It really is worth it.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:09 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


sallybrown: "It must be exhausting to do The Appropriate Thing all the time.

Not as exhausting as growing up with a dad who uses his 15 minutes to tell the world how much he hates your mom.
"

I don't see the part about hating the kids' mom. It is a pretty good one time idea that he is stretching beyond its viable limit, but he is not dissing the mom. I am a child of divorced parents and if I saw this I would laugh. This doesn't say, "I hate mom." This says, "Mom's wedding dress is sort of like a flat Stanley for adults." Kids aren't stupid. They know that no matter how much the parents keep them out of it, there is animosity there. Just keep the kids out of the middle of it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:21 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


charlie don't surf: "This seems like an anachronism already. I read a lot of photography blogs and the wedding photographers now all talk about this new "tradition" of a "wreck the dress" shot. Usually it's some shot of diving into water or mud, taken shortly after the wedding or after the honeymoon. At the top of that blog is a pic from a woman named Kim that is fairly representative of that kind of wreck the dress thing. So nowadays, many people don't even keep their wedding dresses, they deliberately ruin them immediately. Personally, I think this "tradition" is a con by wedding photogs to get the couple to pay for another photo session."

A friend of mine is known as sort of clumsy and oblivious and likes to tell stories with a lot of hand gestures. So we are at another friend's wedding. It is actually the first time we got to meet the bride. They lived far away and while we talked to her on the phone, we never met in person until the reception. So story telling friend is telling some story about college and dancing at a Dead concert when he starts to mimic his Dead concert dancing swirl. BOOM he hits the bride who has a full glass of red wine in her hand. The entire front of the dress is now stained with a huge amount of red wine. This is not more than 15 minutes after the ceremony. Groom friend laughs it off. Bride does not. Very angry and bitter. Lots of screaming about groom's moronic asshole friends. (She was right about us being morons.) Marriage did not last 7 years.

I would say that was the original "wreck the dress" move.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:27 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Did you get those "should homosexuals have special rights? Congressman Barney Frank does!" ads on that page, or was it just me? Seemed like an interesting juxtaposition, homophobia and misogyny in one package...not that it's a rare combination, of course.
posted by Jimmy Havok at 9:41 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm just so relieved to find that someone has thought of the children. Because I was totally getting ready to wonder in an anguished fashion about whether or not someone was prepared to do that.
posted by gompa at 9:46 PM on June 24, 2010 [10 favorites]


gompa, I am so with you on that. Especially if they're viral, staged, fake sort of children. That just makes it worse.
posted by randomkeystrike at 10:19 PM on June 24, 2010


Years ago, in the city where I live, a brand new Cadillac was entered into the county fair demolition derby...well, I guess in the context of this thread the explanation sort of telegraphs itself: the owner was about to enter divorce proceedings....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 10:20 PM on June 24, 2010


he is not dissing the mom --JohnnyGunn

Not dissing? He took her wedding dress and used it as a liner for a cat litter box. I'm glad that as a child of divorced parents you can laugh, but I've read that expressed animosity toward the ex is one of the most emotionally damaging things you can do to your child.

Unless you (and his kids) believe his non-stop statements that this isn't about her--it's about the blog. It isn't about her, it's about the dress, etc, etc. I suppose he was being irrelevant when he happened to mention in passing that she was shocked when she heard about the web site. Why bring her up at all? It isn't about her, right?

One post with a little class (not the cat litter) and I would have laughed. He's going for 101 stale jokes.
posted by eye of newt at 10:36 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Couldn't help wonder what would have happened if that dress had got caught in the bike's chain. Maybe something somewhere between embarrassing and injuring? Probably nothing quite so awful as Isadora Duncan, and clearly no one pictured is likely to feel embarrassment. So... never mind.
posted by fartknocker at 10:40 PM on June 24, 2010


His blog is sad and pathetic.
posted by wuwei at 10:58 PM on June 24, 2010


This thread is a paradigm of how relationships fall apart.
posted by Davenhill at 12:14 AM on June 25, 2010


Wow, is there anyone you people haven't met who you can't psychoanalyze?

To my mind, this is about on par with women who have divorce parties. Kinda gross, but mostly meh.

And all these armchair diagnoses of this dude and his relationship, and NOT ONE person wondering what kind of a woman purposefully leaves her wedding dress with her ex-husband? I mean really, what kind of bullshit is that? What did she think he was going to do with it?

To me, they both seem fairly immature. Maybe they should have stayed together after all?
posted by Afroblanco at 12:22 AM on June 25, 2010 [3 favorites]


He sounds kinda bitter.

What does bitter sound like? <>
posted by bwg at 12:24 AM on June 25, 2010


*puffs pipe*

This man's abuse of a feminine icon clearly makes him a rapist. His refusal to cease this charade highlights an underlying desire to impregnate his mother, thus giving birth to himself as a form of renewal. I can tell from the pixels, and having seen quite a few divorces in my time.

*wipes ash from leather elbow patch*
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:50 AM on June 25, 2010 [23 favorites]


Lemons and lemonade? We all deal with loss in our own way and his wife DID say "do whatever you want with it". She made the first dick move, in my estimation, by leaving it, and only it. Passive aggressive ain't cute, even when women do it.
posted by readyfreddy at 1:41 AM on June 25, 2010 [3 favorites]


Are people actually paying money to get a lame stick-figure drawing on a t-shirt from this site? They could just use a texta to scrawl "I have too much money and no taste" on a plain shirt, save themselves the wait until it gets mailed to them.
posted by harriet vane at 1:45 AM on June 25, 2010


"It's effed up for him to do this so publicly when he and his ex have kids together."
posted by sallybrown at 6:50 PM on June 24

"THIS is your response to the shattering of an emotional relationship? Intentionally inciting worldwide mocking of your lover; the past object of your deepest attachments? Gee, ... I wonder why she left? As if."
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 2:54 AM on June 25

these 2 comments sum up my feelings. and if it is fake it is mysogynistic, the kind of thing you might find in Loaded magazine (nicknamed Ladded by some in the UK).
posted by marienbad at 2:17 AM on June 25, 2010 [2 favorites]


It seemed to me that her having left the dress was a bit of a fuck you to him and the marriage. So he's doing a fuck you right back. Not the most mature of responses, but neither is it the big deal everyone is making it.
posted by gjc at 3:41 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


This thread is a paradigm of how relationships fall apart.

A paradigm?
I… I… I don't know you any more.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:22 AM on June 25, 2010


Whoah boy, there be some sanctimonious waffle going on all over this thread!

Speaking as someone whose gone through similar circumstances - I say, FUCKING KUDOS TO YOU, MAN.

My wife left me a little over 2 years ago.

I don't hate my ex-wife. Not at all. Nor am I pining for her to return, either. We have a 4 year old daughter, and - of course - we both try to 'do the appropriate thing' as best we can, but sometimes I know that our respective actions can wind the other up incredibly easily. I can't begin to describe to you just how fucking difficult it is to try and keep things in check, and avoid saying hurtful or potentially damaging things to your ex-spouse, in the pursuit of 'doing the appropriate thing'.

I know, in my head, that one day my daughter will ask me "what happened", and in my heart, I will want to tell her how her mother lied to me, used me, made me out for a fool and cheated on me with someone I considered to be one of my closest friends, who, it transpires, was an alcoholic who also walked out on his wife and two kids. And how this nearly bankrupted me, the housing crash, the lowest of my lowest ebbs, being unemployed, how it drove me to my very wits end, but I always took the moral high ground, I always ceded the arguments, and I never, not once, badmouthed my ex-wife in public, and always grinned and bore it, through a wry smile laden with anger, for the sake of 'public relations'... And then, of course, I realise that I can't ever tell her that story, because it can't possibly achieve anything positive. I will tell her we drifted apart, and went our own ways, and that'll be it.

I can't help thinking that when she does ask me 'the question', it'd be an awful lot easier to answer if I could show her photos of me having a riot with my ex-wife's wedding dress.
posted by metaxa at 4:27 AM on June 25, 2010 [16 favorites]


A lot of couple rush towards marriage, he because he hopes it will "settle her down", she because it's a childhood fantasy to have a fine wedding. The aftermath is often epic, with inhuman cruelty on both sides - hence this reprehensible site.

I'm a firm advocate in living together for at least three years. Understand, really understand, the person you are sharing your life with. If things are less than rosy, then the real deal is revealed. Can you put up with it? Can she? The ring is the last stage, not the first, not somewhere in between.


Living together before marriage doesn't necessarily reduce the likelihood of divorce. From the Rutgers University Marriage Project:
Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. But in addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest “there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills.” (One important exception: cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who don’t live together before marriage).
posted by milarepa at 5:01 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Wedding dresses are expensive - he should have sold it and used that money to buy himself something nice.

like a down payment on a Porsche
posted by seawallrunner at 5:30 AM on June 25, 2010


it's too much like the dude needs to punish or humiliate a feminine object with the help of his bros and that's reflecting poorly on him.

The wife wins this round.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:34 AM on June 25, 2010


Let's not find out why she left after 12 years. Let's waste time with a wedding dress.

Loser.
posted by stormpooper at 6:21 AM on June 25, 2010


I thought exactly that at first, too. But what's the alternative? Really, what's the sensible, sober, reality-principle thing to do when your heart is broken and your marriage over?

Well, about 5 years after our marriage ended, and my ex had married again and had a child, he called me up to ask me if I wanted some things that had been left at the house when I left. One of those things was my wedding dress, kept in the same SpaceBag that I had stored it in and left somewhere in a closet. Nope, didn't choose to take it, but I do feel pretty confident that my ex will most likely donate it to GoodWill or otherwise dispose of it in a good manner. Sometimes people aren't assholes, despite their disappointment in how their relationship turned out. I'm still on good terms with my ex, and one of the biggest reasons for that is that he's not a douche.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:23 AM on June 25, 2010 [4 favorites]


Modern physics states that in recording an event you change that event.

This might have been a good thing for him to do on his own.

In making it public, he changes it into a different, far less auspicious thing.

I vote not only not 'Best of the Web' but reason to reconsider the Web itself.

Turn away in Plaatsvervangende schaamte .

Ho.
posted by Herodios at 6:23 AM on June 25, 2010


I like the 'wreck the dress' idea to an extent - not because I think destroying a very expensive garment is a good idea, but because the photos are much, much more interesting than standard posed wedding shots. I'd want shots of me on a swing, on the beach, or on a tube train with suited passengers. I think this is why nobody's ever asked me to be a bridesmaid.

This blog reminds me of Liz Jones. My sister saw the shitty end of a marriage. She stuck Robbie Williams' face over her ex-husband's in the wedding photo, then moved on.
posted by mippy at 6:52 AM on June 25, 2010


These comments are Metafilter at its nadir of humor. Jesus.
posted by proj at 6:53 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Sadly, these pictures will still be around for viewing when his kids start to form adult opinions of him and they'll probably realize that he's a petty little pice of shit, the same conclusion that any intelligent mefite can reach.

And they thought I was joking about the Cabal's re-education camps.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 6:58 AM on June 25, 2010


What the hell was he supposed to do with the wedding dress?

He should wear it while engaging in felonious activity. There's your shot at fame right there, pal.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:03 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


I can tell from the pixels, and having seen quite a few divorces in my time.

OK, note to anyone who is hating the playahaters: This is the way to do it FTW. Well played.
posted by drowsy at 7:08 AM on June 25, 2010


He should use it as a parachute next. Or as a finale, he can cut the dress up in pieces and use them as toilet paper.

Seriously, this is one resourceful dude. I don't think I could come up with this many uses for an old wedding dress.
posted by reenum at 7:19 AM on June 25, 2010


Objects are made by men, and used for many purposes... but we never... love... objects.
posted by xod at 7:43 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Wedding dresses are expensive - he should have sold it and used that money to buy himself something nice.

Wedding dresses, like new cars, depreciate the second they leave the store. They're pretty hard to resale, and on top of that, they're fashion; an old car will still drive you around in 10 years but a lot of wedding dresses look ridiculous even 3 years after they were the "big thing". He could probably sell that dress for $20 on Craigslist or donate it to the Salvation Army, but no one is going to buy that thing for anywhere near what his ex-wife paid for it, because it's completely out of style.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Actually, as a divorced woman dating a divorced guy (whose wife cheated on him with our other friend's husband, resulting in another divorce), I thought it was pretty funny. His wife said he could do whatever he wanted with it, so he's doing it.

But more importantly, I was pretty touched by the self-reflection that he's done in the blog posts. In some of them, the dress photo is an afterthought. He talks about his dad's passing, his friends and other family members, his life after the divorce, and (most importantly) the surprising relief he's felt by talking about it with friends and a counselor.

I don't see him badmouthing his wife at all. In fact, he actually says that she was very supportive during his father's final illness -- which ended when his father died on the same day that his divorce became final. He's very careful not to talk about her.

It's grief, really. Would you rather have a pristine wedding dress lying in a closet as a reminder of all of your innocent hopes and dreams (and the crapload of money you spent), or make something out of it? If your friend has died, do you sit around refusing to let anyone besmirch their memory, or do you joke about them, laugh about the experiences you shared, curse them out for being a jerk sometimes, wear their hat or shirt or dress to feel closer to them, the works?

Life keeps going on, informed by itself. It's not worth boxing up parts of it and keeping in a closet.
posted by Madamina at 8:39 AM on June 25, 2010 [4 favorites]


I heard about this project a while ago, and, just as an abstract idea, I thought it was kind of cute. I mean, it's something he obviously has no use for, I thought it could be fun to see what sorts of uses it could end up having.

But, in reality, there's no upshot to it. There's no value to the things that he does, beyond "The dress looks even worse now." Lining a cat box with it? But... why? That's the reason why I think so many people feel this is in bad taste -- there's no point to what he's doing to it other than breaking it, tearing it apart, humiliating it (which, don't forget, has a fair amount of symbolic value).

But I was mostly indifferent until I saw the shirts he's selling, and WOAH. It's likely completely unintentional, but that stick-figure looks like a dead woman with stitched-up lips. That's so disgusting. If I didn't know it from this site and saw someone out on the street wearing it, that shirt design would disturb me. Even if it's not intentionally designed to look that way, it's in horrible taste.
posted by meese at 10:07 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's grief, really. Would you rather have a pristine wedding dress lying in a closet as a reminder of all of your innocent hopes and dreams (and the crapload of money you spent), or make something out of it? If your friend has died, do you sit around refusing to let anyone besmirch their memory, or do you joke about them, laugh about the experiences you shared, curse them out for being a jerk sometimes, wear their hat or shirt or dress to feel closer to them, the works?

How are uses like wiping used engine oil on it, mopping the floor with it, letting cats piss on it, or using it as a door mat anything but a "fuck you?" Bar towel? Shoe polish rag? Pooper scooper, for fuck's sake?

If he wanted to do something useful with the dress, he could browse Metafilter's own orange swan for 101 ways to recycle the fabric.

(Also, fake, the dress would be stained beyond all hope after any one of these stunts.)
posted by desuetude at 11:45 AM on June 25, 2010


Agreeing with the people calling fake.

But, playing the "if it were real" game, I'd have to say this doesn't look like what I'd call a healthy way to deal with loss. A one time temper tantrum attack on the dress might be understandable, but this sort of year long drawn out wallowing in self pity and anger seems pretty darn unhealthy.

"Well, its a brand new day, time to start obsessing over my past relationship again and completely failing to move on!"

I'm sure the book will sell really well to the MRA whiner types who descend into misogyny after a divorce. It appeals to revenge fantasies, a belief that the world is stacked against men, and all that other nonsense the MRA loonies believe in. You can't go broke selling misogyny in America.
posted by sotonohito at 11:56 AM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Interestingly, discarded wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses sometimes end up as everyday dresses for women and girls living in the developing world.
posted by clockzero at 12:23 PM on June 25, 2010


I think it's a funny idea (clearly done tongue-in-cheek if the ex-wife knows and hasn't shut him down), but I'm glad a few other people besides me noticed that the dress should be extremely super-trashed/unusable by now. Hell, probably by #5. It makes me wonder if he's buying thrift store dresses and trashing some of them as well or something.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:17 PM on June 25, 2010


given that:

pain + humor = healing

it follows that:

deep bitterness + somewhat dark humor = healing

These things hurt. Sometimes what one does in response only hurts oneself in the end (a little later, when the moment has died down). It's a process. I give it a solid eight for originality.
posted by marimeko at 8:07 AM on June 26, 2010


It seems to me that the wife's initial attitude about the dress is very important here. She could have taken it with her when she left, even just to take the responsibility of disposing of it. But no, she left it with him, as a way of showing that their marriage meant nothing to her, that she was completely uninterested in retaining any sentiment about it.

I can imagine that he must have been quite hurt at that. And his use of the dress to do all these ridiculous things publicly is a way of showing her that it's not so easy. It's like he's saying: Really?
posted by bingo at 10:40 AM on June 26, 2010


Reminds me of an ex's colleague, who got a tattoo to commemorate her divorce.

I don't get it, why would you want a permanent reminder of the end of what was, presumably, an unpleasant phase of your life?

Also nthing that this bloke needs to move on.
posted by Quantum's Deadly Fist at 11:32 AM on June 26, 2010


Oh, bingo, I totally agree that leaving the dress behind was a dick move on her part.

If he'd done ONE of these things, fine. It's the insistence on grinding out his hurt over and over and over and over +96 that is gross and tacky.
posted by desuetude at 12:01 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


ThePinkSuperhero: "Wedding dresses, like new cars, depreciate the second they leave the store. They're pretty hard to resale, and on top of that, they're fashion; an old car will still drive you around in 10 years but a lot of wedding dresses look ridiculous even 3 years after they were the "big thing". He could probably sell that dress for $20 on Craigslist or donate it to the Salvation Army, but no one is going to buy that thing for anywhere near what his ex-wife paid for it, because it's completely out of style."

While they do depreciate, there is actually a huge, HUGE resale market for wedding dresses. Many women are not about to pay 5k-20k for a dress they'll wear once, but they'll pay a few hundred dollars for that dress. Point being, that while the cost of the dress can't be recouped, just like the cost of a new car cannot, it *can* be sold. There's a ton of people like me who have no idea what Bride is showing this week, and just want something in white watered silk.

It would have been a far better thing for him to either donate the dress to a charity who could sell it, or to drop it off at a resale store and use the money for something for himself. But this website? Pedestrian and immature.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:17 AM on June 28, 2010


Oh the joys of being male. Is there no relationship outcome we can't be blamed for?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:48 AM on June 28, 2010


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