Man, that unicorn really is a jerk!

August 12, 2010 7:49 PM

A Unicorn Being a Jerk
posted by empath (61 comments total)

I hate that unicorn.
posted by yhbc at 7:53 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by contrarian at 7:53 PM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Jippers?
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:58 PM on August 12, 2010

The most irritating unicorn ever.
posted by blucevalo at 7:58 PM on August 12, 2010

He hates the world because he can't accept that everyone is just as unique as him
posted by Lukenlogs at 8:00 PM on August 12, 2010

Funny that a guy with a rainbow phallus sticking out of his forehead would be concerned about a potentially gay son...
posted by phunniemee at 8:01 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

What a prick of a unicorn.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:02 PM on August 12, 2010

Since when are unicorns bipedal?
posted by robotot at 8:02 PM on August 12, 2010

Only the jerk ones.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:04 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'd be a jerk if virgins were constantly trying to mount me, too. It's like a never-ending Star Trek convention and you're Walter Koenig. Yeaugh.
posted by griphus at 8:04 PM on August 12, 2010 [7 favorites]

Surely you mean "wirgins."
posted by shmegegge at 8:08 PM on August 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

Tom Cruise should have never mended his horn.
posted by haplesschild at 8:10 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was enjoying this until "abusing his wife." No outrage or anything, and I guess it shouldn't be worse to me than, say, sacrificing your child, or being a pedophile (although unicorns do have a reputation). It just killed the humor, for me.
posted by gilrain at 8:15 PM on August 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

Paging robocop, paging robocop
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:15 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I have the perfect song for reading this to.
And perhaps a trailer for the movie version of the book.
posted by msbutah at 8:18 PM on August 12, 2010

Related
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:21 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I rather like this jaunty unicorn, and I'm willing to forgive his transgressions because I'm relieved he is not being devoured by Lady Gaga.
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:26 PM on August 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Title: Good.
Book: Kinda.
posted by scratch at 8:34 PM on August 12, 2010

I have the perfect song for reading this to.

Are you sure it's not this?

"Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up,
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave.
When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land,
Such a happy and joyful and perky merry land.
They've got lollypops and gummy drop and happy things,
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day.
It's impossible to wear a frown in Candy Town,
It's the mecca of love the candy cave."
posted by Rarebit Fiend at 8:39 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was enjoying this until "abusing his wife."

Interesting, that "denying the holocaust" came before that one.
posted by Dark Messiah at 8:40 PM on August 12, 2010 [6 favorites]

Well, that unicorn is up to a lot of bad shit, no doubt. I condone none of his actions.
posted by gilrain at 8:44 PM on August 12, 2010

I must admit, it took me a second to figure out the layout. Thus, for a few seconds, I incorrectly matched each drawing to the caption immediately to the right of it. Confusing, but it made "Judging his daughter's boyfriend" and "Photocopying his rear-end" much more interesting.
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:46 PM on August 12, 2010

>> I was enjoying this until "abusing his wife."
> Interesting, that "denying the holocaust" came before that one.

as was "Clubbing baby seals" and "Putting a kitten in the microwave" and "sacrificing his one and only son to a higher power".

I guess there's no accounting for taste.
posted by milnak at 8:46 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

While I do think this unicorn is a jerk, I don't think that having his kid on a leash is really jerk behavior. I always scoffed at people who had their kids on a leash, but now, as the parent of a toddler, I have to say that I am grateful to whoever invented the kid-leash.

All that other stuff, though. Man, what a jerk.
posted by lexicakes at 8:53 PM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

I hope he finds a publisher; I thought it was hilarious.
posted by hypersloth at 9:01 PM on August 12, 2010

I condone none of his actions.

I'm cool with ignoring a homeless person asking for money [putting aside for now the question of, how do you know whether the scruffy young person spanging is homeless or not?].

I generally shrug and say "Sorry, man" but even a complete lack of response doesn't really seem in a league with the other examples given here.
posted by msalt at 9:14 PM on August 12, 2010

While I do think this unicorn is a jerk, I don't think that having his kid on a leash is really jerk behavior. I always scoffed at people who had their kids on a leash, but now, as the parent of a toddler, I have to say that I am grateful to whoever invented the kid-leash.

Yeah, it got kind of weirdly multi-layered there, since it's kind of jerky to perpetuate the belief that having kids on a leash is jerky.
posted by Pants McCracky at 9:20 PM on August 12, 2010

I guess it's not in chronological order because he sacrifices his only son and then worries about him being gay. Also his daughter has a boyfriend and then is small enough to be walked on a leash.
posted by unliteral at 9:20 PM on August 12, 2010

I guess it's not in chronological order because he sacrifices his only son and then worries about him being gay. Also his daughter has a boyfriend and then is small enough to be walked on a leash.

You, sir, clearly do not understand unicorn physics.
posted by phunniemee at 9:25 PM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

A Boing Boing.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:38 PM on August 12, 2010

It seemed like it alternated between "Ha ha, unicorn is a jerk" to not really funny. And I think part of the point was to say, "Hey, you know these things that seem normal and okay? They're actually really jerky behavior." So the author is putting "Hoping his son isn't gay" and "Pushing his religion on others" in the same class as cutting in line or some other "ha ha" jerky stuff. To me, the implication is that many behaviors that are either condoned or considered "okay" are actually really, really jerky.

I mean, if I was asked to compile a list of mean things someone could do "Hoping his son isn't gay" wouldn't show up on that list. But you know, hoping your son isn't gay is actually kind of a jerky thing to do.

And then you have more serious things, like ripping out your kid's heart, denying the holocaust, spousal abuse and pedophilia, I guess to say, "No really, none of this is okay."
posted by Deathalicious at 10:04 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Damn, guess I'll think twice before bringing a guitar to a party again...
posted by daHIFI at 10:12 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Do you know why you're so unique, mister unicorn? Because we killed all the other unicorns. Do you know why we did that? Because they were like you.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:30 PM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

I was enjoying this until "abusing his wife."

Your right, unicorns shouldn't abuse their wives.
posted by IvoShandor at 10:41 PM on August 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

*you're
posted by IvoShandor at 10:41 PM on August 12, 2010

I like the way you can sort of tell that stalker unicorn is jerking off up in the tree but then you think about it and there's no way he could manipulate his unicorn penis with a hoof and then it gets funnier.
posted by felix betachat at 10:57 PM on August 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Why does it have a human son?
posted by delmoi at 11:11 PM on August 12, 2010

Why does it have a human son?
He's half human because his mother is human.
posted by unliteral at 11:18 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

It seemed like it alternated between "Ha ha, unicorn is a jerk" to not really funny. And I think part of the point was to say, "Hey, you know these things that seem normal and okay? They're actually really jerky behavior." So the author is putting "Hoping his son isn't gay" and "Pushing his religion on others" in the same class as cutting in line or some other "ha ha" jerky stuff. To me, the implication is that many behaviors that are either condoned or considered "okay" are actually really, really jerky.

I mean, if I was asked to compile a list of mean things someone could do "Hoping his son isn't gay" wouldn't show up on that list. But you know, hoping your son isn't gay is actually kind of a jerky thing to do.

And then you have more serious things, like ripping out your kid's heart, denying the holocaust, spousal abuse and pedophilia, I guess to say, "No really, none of this is okay."

I think you may be over thinking this. The author was trying to be funny, and mixed in incongruous definitions of 'jerk' as a way to increase the humor value. It's not a serious commentary.
posted by delmoi at 11:20 PM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Interesting, that "denying the holocaust" came before ["abusing his wife"].

Yeah, well, it's obviously a question of feelings, not logic, and we're only talking about a silly list that also includes "Talking about fashion in a sports bar", but I can see how a person might feel (and reason) that giving a woman a physical beating is worse than saying idiotic stuff about history.

Also, I like kittens and seals and all, but the only thing categorically worse than physically beating someone that comes before that line is the sacrifice line, and that doesn't feel real because it's a joke about an over-the-top event in a wacky myth, not a joke about an everyday violent crime many of us have experienced first or second hand.

Also, there could be a cumulative effect: various straws were loaded on to the camel, and the order in which they were presented may have just happened to make "abusing his wife" the straw that snapped the Bactrian for some people.
posted by pracowity at 2:52 AM on August 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

So wait...are we offended that a depiction of holocaust-denial/spouse-abuse/kid-leashing was rendered onto paper or that those depictions were labeled the actions of a jerk? I'm all ready for an offendin', but I need a better defined target for my rage.
posted by DU at 4:15 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

What gets my goat is that it's a unicorn doing this stuff. A unicorn that reminds me of Koziołek Matołek.
posted by pracowity at 4:29 AM on August 13, 2010

Hilarious!

-Trinsic
posted by TrinsicWS at 4:50 AM on August 13, 2010

While I don't necessarily do them or enthusiastically support people doing them, I don't think of the following actions as universally jerky absent extenuating circumstances: photocopying one's rear end, writing in wet cement. In other news, apparently I am like Dennis the Menace or something.
posted by ND¢ at 4:50 AM on August 13, 2010

Todd Lokken has a sockpuppet.
posted by pracowity at 5:01 AM on August 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

Do people really spell it "teepeeing"?
posted by Gator at 6:45 AM on August 13, 2010

Goddammit Obama!
posted by Artw at 7:22 AM on August 13, 2010

, I don't think of the following actions as universally jerky absent extenuating circumstances: photocopying one's rear end, writing in wet cement.

When I was 13, i drew a penis in wet cement in a sidewalk in my neighborhood. 21 years later, it's still there. I saw it just the other day when I went to visit my parents. It's probably the most lasting thing that I've ever done. That crudely drawn genitalia will be my legacy.
posted by empath at 7:55 AM on August 13, 2010 [8 favorites]

Here is a painting of Lady Gaga devouring a unicorn carcass.

Which reminds me: I need to get back to work on my painting of Astro Zombie riding a zebra.
posted by xod at 8:36 AM on August 13, 2010

Why does it have a human son?

Did you not see the abducto-van down there at the bottom?
posted by quin at 8:51 AM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I can't believe people are analyzing this book. I mean it's a friggen unicorn peeing in a pool!!! Did you think a unicorn peeing in a pool would not resort to abusing his wife? The animal has no morals. End of discussion.

And yes, it made me laugh.
posted by stormpooper at 9:32 AM on August 13, 2010

If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk
I would not photocopy my behind, instead I would throw you a surprise party. I would make thousands of copies of your invitations and gallop around the country to deliver them personally.
If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk
I would not deny the holocaust, I would ride so hard and fast I would go back in time, and warm Hitler's heart with rainbows and love.
If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk
I would never beat my wife, instead I would gently warm my hooves with magic and firmly massage her sore muscles after a hard day of work.
If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk.
A kid's leash would not even be an option, as I would allow my children to valiantly ride on my back, safe and protected from all the world's evil.
If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk.
I would not club baby seals or put kittens in microwaves. I would stand tall before the cameras of the world and allow my glory to shine so that all may see nature's wonder, and all would know that we are all creatures with spirits, wants, and fears.

If I was a unicorn, I would not be a jerk.

Since I am not a unicorn, though, you'll have to pardon me... my kid's leash got stuck in the microwave door and it's not fully closed. The death rattle mewling is kind of distracting, and I'm really trying to get into my copy of Mein Kampf. Unfortunately, my wife's in the hosptial again so there's no one around, and my arm is so tired and covered in blubber, so greasy and feeble I can barely drop my pants or prop myself up on the Xerox machine.

Does that make me a jerk?
posted by Debaser626 at 10:25 AM on August 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

Bah! Sylvia Scott Gibson did it first, and did it best.
posted by Gable Oak at 12:59 PM on August 13, 2010

Man, we've all got some black sheep in the family. You know?

COUSINS YOU JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT.

Being female, I can at least throw in plausible deniability on this one.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:47 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's a grumpy unicorn being harassed by 2 annoying unicorns.
posted by weezy at 4:12 PM on August 13, 2010

Trust me when I say that not all unicorns are jerks. Most of them are, though, and they're liars each and every one of them. Sad thing is they don't always realize their actions. Pathological creatures, unfortunately.

Not all jerks, though.
posted by item at 7:05 PM on August 13, 2010

Another way the unicorn could be a jerk: using the word "pedophile" to mean "child molester"
posted by tehloki at 11:33 AM on August 14, 2010

since it's kind of jerky to perpetuate the belief that having kids on a leash is jerky.

Were you ever made to wear reins as a kid? SO. FRUSTRATING.
posted by mippy at 8:11 AM on August 16, 2010

Damn, guess I'll think twice before bringing a guitar to a party again...

Good call. Making that behavioral change is all it takes to stop being referred to as 'that jackass with the guitar' at parties. Basic rule of thumb, folks - unless you are part of a performance that is slated to appear at an event, party, etc, whipping out your guitar is just aggravating as all hell to everyone who isn't you.

The More You Know!
posted by FatherDagon at 8:29 AM on August 16, 2010

That guitar one made me think of this AskMe question. People don't go to parties to hear other people play the guitar. I bet even Lennon and McCartney got told to piss off every once in a while.
posted by mippy at 9:35 AM on August 16, 2010

Apparently, there are nine unicorns on Metafilter. Good thing we're just usernames!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 5:27 PM on September 1, 2010