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WARNING: THIS RECIPE IS NOT KOSHER.
November 10, 2010 5:23 PM   Subscribe

"Late Night Bacon", a recipe by Rachael Ray. With reviews.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (164 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
If you're craving bacon late at night, is the serving size really just TWO DAMN PIECES of bacon?
posted by chambers at 5:28 PM on November 10, 2010 [12 favorites]


If you're craving anything, is Rachel Ray the one you're gonna turn to?
posted by nevercalm at 5:33 PM on November 10, 2010 [7 favorites]


Seriously, are you kidding me? My mother told me about this 10+ years ago. Her version was plate, paper towel, bacon, paper towel, plate - kept it flat.
Honestly...
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:33 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's absurd to call this a recipe. Is the Food Network now also known as "Cooking for Dummies"?

I first agreed with this commenter, then my snark relaxed and I realized even PBS has programs to teach you how to read and do simple math. I suppose you have to start somewhere.

No, wait, my snark is back. A person should realize that they should put the cold meat in the box that makes things hot.
posted by chambers at 5:34 PM on November 10, 2010 [8 favorites]


1 people found this review Helpful.
posted by koeselitz at 5:36 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Check her outl, getting all fancy and cooking her bacon. Well La-di-da guess that's how they do it in New York City
posted by Ad hominem at 5:36 PM on November 10, 2010 [29 favorites]


If you think this one is delicious, you should see her recipe for pre-cooked off the shelf bacon!
posted by phunniemee at 5:36 PM on November 10, 2010


I'm a vegetarian, this recipe is 100% useless to me. Bad Rachael, no biscuit!

Dude? I think she beat you to the biscuits.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:36 PM on November 10, 2010


"sup kiddies, this is the R-dogg. America's culinary sweetheart no longer gives a fuck about nothin' so here's maybe a recipe or some shit, hope you love it, ciao"

*peels out in sweet camaro, slugging bourbon and making out with several members of the Harvard rowing team*
posted by Greg Nog at 5:37 PM on November 10, 2010 [32 favorites]


I could scramble the hell out of some eggs when i was 10, but I never got the art of frying bacon in a pan. It would either come out limp or charred, so we had this bacon plate for the microwave, which brought bacon to the masses.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:37 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


YUMMY

MMM GOOD
posted by Taft at 5:38 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


Microwave on high for 6 to 13 minutes? Is that right?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:38 PM on November 10, 2010


If you're craving anything, is Rachel Ray the one you're gonna turn to?\

wellll......let's not go there
posted by jonmc at 5:40 PM on November 10, 2010 [5 favorites]


I'm not a fan of Rachael Ray, but the snark on this seems, well, a little obvious. I for one think it's helpful to have an amount of time to put the bacon in the microwave.

And in response to the query above, The Food Network is not really a cooking network anymore at all. There's a Cooking Channel for that now. The Food Network is mostly restaurant battles, cupcake wars, Gordon Ramsay ripoffs, and "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"
posted by blucevalo at 5:42 PM on November 10, 2010


Yeah, um, they've been selling special microwave plates with grease grooves for as long as microwaves have existed. See the right side of that page for examples. And, really, you can shove as many slices in there as you want, so long as they fit on the plate without crossing the streams.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:42 PM on November 10, 2010


I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT GETTING JUNGLE FEVER
posted by Greg Nog at 5:42 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


Anyone that loves bacon, already knows how to microwave it. And 6 to 13 minutes is waayy too long. You might as well just fry it up in the pan.
posted by wv kay in ga at 5:42 PM on November 10, 2010


This recipe is useless to me, as I generally prefer bacon in the morning. HOW DO I MAKE MORNING BACON?!
posted by DU at 5:43 PM on November 10, 2010 [26 favorites]


Me: Ugh. Rachael Ray.
Wifey: What's wrong with Rachael Ray?
M:Rachael Ray? Seriously?
W: Oh. I was thinking Rachel Dratch. Never mind.
posted by The Potate at 5:43 PM on November 10, 2010 [7 favorites]


If you think this is good, you should watch some Sandra Lee.
posted by greasy_skillet at 5:46 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]


Look guys, I know Rachel. The thing about her is that she's a lot smarter and deeper than she looks. I know everyone likes to give her a lot of flak for a lot of valid reasons, and I'm not here to defend her from them. But I would like to point out that she's pretty much like any one of us here on this site. Make of that what you will, but c'mon. Stop piling on the hate. She's got feelings, too.

Also: the bacon idea is hers, and is supposed to be funny. It's her way of poking fun at the establishment and her situation, and what's she's trumped up to be. Late Night Bacon is funny because it's late night bacon: what're YOU doing in the evening that makes you hanker for bacon? Late Night Bacon because you're making a puny amount of bacon and ten times the mess. Late Night Bacon because everyone's microwave may vary. Late Night Bacon because fuck you, and you, and you, who just don't get it. Late Night Bacon: insightful and inciting. A bit of the "real" Rache I know.
posted by herrdoktor at 5:49 PM on November 10, 2010 [38 favorites]


Add toast and peanut butter to that bacon and I am all over it!
posted by vitabellosi at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


TV Chef Career

Ingredients posted by DU at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2010 [11 favorites]


herrdoktor: I met her at a signing once. She was very nice and friendly.
posted by jonmc at 5:51 PM on November 10, 2010


I give this post one star.
posted by sanko at 5:52 PM on November 10, 2010


herrdoktor can you confirm or deny the rumors that Ms. Ray has already impregnated several members of the Harvard rowing team
posted by Greg Nog at 5:54 PM on November 10, 2010 [12 favorites]


If you think this is good, you should watch some Sandra Lee.

Sandra Lee tastes one of her own cocktails in slow motion.
posted by hermitosis at 5:54 PM on November 10, 2010 [28 favorites]


I think microwaves are a bad choice for late-night snacks. Microwaved late night snacks feel pitiful. On the other hand, getting out a pan in the middle of the night, letting it get hot, getting that good sizzle when the bacon hits the pan, maybe scrambling a couple eggs since y'know all that bacon grease is there and all... that turns it, at least for me, from, "I am a sad person who needs bacon in the middle of the night," to, "I am living a lifestyle so wonderful and decadent that I can cook a gorgeous breakfast at 1am!" And that, I find satisfying. And seriously, 13 minutes? In that time, I *can* cook for real.
posted by gracedissolved at 5:55 PM on November 10, 2010 [32 favorites]


Well I guess this proves she's not a secret terrorist Muslim.
posted by condour75 at 5:57 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


I cannot confirm or deny anything about the lovely Ms. Ray, but I do know that Guy Fieri recently visited one of my favorite Greasy Spoons in the world, but the show hasn't aired yet. I hope he tries the chilidog. I'm all aquiver.
posted by jonmc at 5:57 PM on November 10, 2010


This recipe is literally on the back of packages of bacon. :|
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:03 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


As of press time, only one member of the Harvard rowing team would consent to talk to us: Joshua Feldman, coxswain. We found him in a Waffle house in Alpharetta, Georgia, rubbing his distended belly.

"I guess I just got caught up in the glamor," said Joshua. He smiles wryly, and takes a long drag on his Parliament. "Raych said she would always love me, and I mean, I guess she still does. I don't try to tie her down or anything. I know that's a fool's errand." Joshua laughs, his chuckle ringing hollow as the patron next to us orders hash browns. "It's just... no matter how much money for nannies she sends me... I'll never know if I'm something special to her... or just another Harvard rower."

Joshua pauses, and eats a bite of scrambled egg. "I'll never forget the look on her face when she told me I was better than the Yale boys," he says. "She went to fix up some late-night bacon, and I just lay in bed, basking in the feeling of being loved. But now she's gone..." (he looks down at his belly once more) "...and it's just me and little Jayden."

posted by Greg Nog at 6:07 PM on November 10, 2010 [36 favorites]


Ok, gracedissolved, next time you're totally bombed and over at your friend herrdoktor's house, who is a bachelor, and has, as such, very little in the way of comestibles, and is similarly as drunk though not nearly as talented a cook, YOU try making bacon in the middle of the night and a recipe that doesn't allow for a fancy fucking seasoned pan but calls for healthy measures of questionable judgement, one spiff, wandering hands, and a pain in the ass cat (I used to have two, but one died).

In my math: PLATE plus PLATE plus PAPER TOWELS plus BACON equals LATE NIGHT BACON. Late Night Bacon is neither sad nor pitiful. Late Night Bacon is plenty.
posted by herrdoktor at 6:09 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


This really takes all of the thrill out of cooking bacon naked at midnight.

Granted, since it's Rachel Ray I'm entirely unsurprised by this.
posted by loquacious at 6:11 PM on November 10, 2010


If you think this is good, you should watch some Sandra Lee.

Ray is annoying and stupid and her food is awful.

Sandra Lee is performance art. The kind of bleak deception of the void Sarte' would have cut his thumbs off for.
posted by The Whelk at 6:15 PM on November 10, 2010 [5 favorites]


Also microwaving in the middle of the night makes me feel like I've given up.
posted by The Whelk at 6:16 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]


Not feeling the hate.

This is how the lady earns her living. She pays her taxes, as far as I know. Is there an "exploiting the labor of developing-world children" angle I'm unaware of?
posted by Joe Beese at 6:17 PM on November 10, 2010


This was on food network humor. They have other recipes on there like Bobby Flays "recipe" for braciola which literally consists of BUYING BRACIOLA, brushing it with oil and grilling it. For fun, just browse the category on Sandra Lee.

Also, Paula Deen literally drinking a shot glass of melted butter.
posted by dead cousin ted at 6:17 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]


Oh God Puala Deen. Cause my gym likes to show the food network on all the screens cause they are sadists, I've watched a lot of Paula Deen. I love when her son is on and it turns into a southern gothic playlet or repression, control, and melted better.
posted by The Whelk at 6:19 PM on November 10, 2010 [7 favorites]


That's not the world's worst recipe.

The world's worst recipe is Red Beans and Spaghetti.
posted by ErikaB at 6:23 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]


Does anyone have a good recipe for Banana? I typically take one from the bunch, peel it, discard the peel and eat it. But I feel like I am missing something. Any recipe for Orange would be helpful too.
posted by codacorolla at 6:25 PM on November 10, 2010 [9 favorites]


Not feeling the hate.

You are not receiving something that isn't be transmitted. The transmission consists for laughing at, not hating on.
posted by DU at 6:25 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Late night bacon (Preparation time: 8-10 minutes, depending on whether you hit the stoplights right. Ingredients: $5, functional vehicle):

Get in car
Drive to Waffle House
Order bacon
If Sheila is working, enjoy free coffee
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:25 PM on November 10, 2010 [20 favorites]


Wandering hands? There is a story regarding you someone special and 2 strips of bacon I guess. Don't worry, you and Miss Ray will always have late night bacon and no Internet Meanie can take it away.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:29 PM on November 10, 2010


Also how would this work if you've got thick, fatty bacon from the market? It would take forever and leave you with a vat of rapidly concealing grease.

Tips for the pan? Lower heat then you think, longer time, lots of flipping - once every 3 minutes. Takes longer, but they come out perfect
posted by The Whelk at 6:33 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Here is an actual good bacon tip: We like to put it on pizza. So I cut it into little bits while still raw, then put into a cast iron pan and into the oven that's preheating already. Stir it around once in a while and remove when the bacon is basically how you want it. (It'll keep cooking in the hot pan, so take it out right away. And don't put the pan back in the oven or the removed fat will smoke.)
posted by DU at 6:36 PM on November 10, 2010


ErikaB, I used to occasionally submit my own recipes online, but with, uh, skewed proportions. Two cups organic lard. Three-fourths cup French sea salt. 1lb unsweetened baker's chocolate. One dozen habanero peppers. Cook at 550F for four hours. Serves two.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:36 PM on November 10, 2010 [5 favorites]


Bacon and Pineapple Pizza is the Best Thing.
posted by The Whelk at 6:38 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


Rachael Ray is one of the 1st people who taught me what to do in the kitchen. You may think she's fake or stupid or fillintheblank but I am thankful for her show and most importantly her carbonara recipe.

Actually I think it's called late night carbonara. +1.
posted by morganannie at 6:39 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


The Ray Ray category is also disturbing, of course.
posted by dead cousin ted at 6:39 PM on November 10, 2010


Pineapple doesn't belong in a human mouth, let alone getting there by riding on a pizza.
posted by DU at 6:39 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


See, that's how you tell if someone is a Replicant.
posted by The Whelk at 6:40 PM on November 10, 2010 [9 favorites]


Chop bacon up fine, cook in a pan, drain most of the fat for later bacon grease purposes. Toss in some onions and peppers and mushrooms, and cook those a while. Then dump this in some tomato sauce with some seasonings for awesome bacony spaghetti sauce.
posted by kafziel at 6:44 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Bacon (OR PEPPERONI) and pineapple pizza is indeed the best thing. Damn the ham.

I learned a great recipe for cooking leftover pizza from the FPP too.
posted by pokermonk at 6:54 PM on November 10, 2010


Why the "or"? Bacon AND pepperoni (AND sausage) is also really good. Plus fresh tomato, black olives and perhaps some chopped peppers. You might think it's hard to fit any cheese on such a crowded pizza, but you'd be wrong.
posted by DU at 7:01 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Now, I don't like my bacon very crispy, but even in my tiny microwave does 2-3 strips in about 2 minutes. Six to 13 sounds like a recipe for bacon fossils.

(I also don't like pineapple)
posted by dirigibleman at 7:01 PM on November 10, 2010


I don't have a microwave, and I don't have "late nite bacon", but when I do have bacon, I cook it in the oven. 400 for about 20 minutes in a sheet pan lined with foil (for easy kleen-up), drain it on paper towels, then cram it in your breakfast chute like a maniac.
posted by jefbla at 7:02 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


I like adding sliced jalapeño to bacon pineapple pizza. The heat sings harmony with the sweet.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:06 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]


If you're craving anything, is Rachel Ray the one you're gonna turn to?\

wellll......let's not go there


Yeah, sheesh, I cannot be the only guy who think Ray-Ray has a little somethin'-somethin' going on. Anyway, aside from that, not everyone wants an Alton Brown recipe that requires 39 steps just to measure the flour.

Also, this must be the new 4chan meme for 2011. Srsly.
posted by GuyZero at 7:06 PM on November 10, 2010


One of these things similar recipes is not like the other.
posted by drlith at 7:07 PM on November 10, 2010


Some of those comments are gold.

I tried this in my dishwasher. I have two you know ever since Ina said it was a good idea. I had to sell one of my kids in order to afford the kitchen add-on in order to make room for the second dishwasher but she whined all the time so it wasn't too big of a sacrifice. Back to the dishwasher. It wasn't as crispy as it might have been but a lot of the fat was washed out of it.

That's not what "late night bacon" means in my house.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:09 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


We have no bacon in the house. Metafilter, why must you TORTURE ME....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:13 PM on November 10, 2010


Anything with pineapple on it is not pizza. It's cool if you like it but don't kid yourself that it is pizza.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:19 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]


I for one think it's helpful to have an amount of time to put the bacon in the microwave.

Seriously! If you cook the bacon too long, your paper towels may catch on FIRE I have heard.

Drive to Waffle House

My nearest Waffle house is three states and 270 miles away in Scranton, but did you know they have a trip planner where you can plan a trip and locate all the Waffle Houses along your route?
posted by jessamyn at 7:20 PM on November 10, 2010 [9 favorites]


Greg Nog's rendition of RR having enough and bailing on her image is something I'd actually like to see happen. Ray would a lot less annoying if she were a lot less oversaturatin' ur mediaz.
posted by Ipsifendus at 7:26 PM on November 10, 2010


Great. Now I miss Chef Tell.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 7:32 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's no Salted Water For Boilling.
posted by ambilevous at 7:33 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


I thought this was going to be another Conan thread.
posted by i_have_a_computer at 7:39 PM on November 10, 2010


Anything with pineapple on it is not pizza. It's cool if you like it but don't kid yourself that it is pizza.

Pizza has no rules. It's the Calvinball of foods.
posted by rocket88 at 7:43 PM on November 10, 2010 [15 favorites]


"Made this. I crossed the strips and experienced total prosciuttic reversal. My hunger increased exponentially and every sodium molecule in my kitchen exploded at the speed of light." Beautiful. The explosion that is. I saw it from cross-town.
posted by sutt at 7:43 PM on November 10, 2010


Microwave on high for 6 to 13 minutes? Is that right?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:38 PM on November 10 [+] [!]

NO. If you are going to make it in the microwave, you want four layers of paper towels, bacon, two layers of paper towels then three minutes. Then check it. Continue 30 seconds at a time. Bacon is different make and size. Once you get a sense, then you'll know how to judge.
posted by mkim at 7:48 PM on November 10, 2010


I made bacon in the microwave once. It's a night neither of us will ever forget.
posted by sutt at 7:51 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


Rachael Ray is one of the 1st people who taught me what to do in the kitchen. You may think she's fake or stupid or fillintheblank but I am thankful for her show and most importantly her carbonara recipe.

Actually I think it's called late night carbonara. +1.


That's no late night carbonara. Not with all that wine and garlic and cheese. It's way too fancy. Late night carbonara is shredded late night bacon plus a raw egg tossed through some stonkin hot and less than fully drained pasta. Throw in a handful of cracked pepper, toss again, and you've got yourself some real late night carbonara.

(I have the dishes in the sink this morning from this one and no memory of making it. But, you know, that's just the way late night cooking should be.)
posted by Ahab at 7:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


not everyone wants an Alton Brown recipe that requires 39 steps just to measure the flour.

The most ridiculous Alton Brown show is the one where he wants you to build some ridiculous turkey lowering contraption out of step ladder with ropes and pulleys and shit in order to fry it.

I'm actually an Alton Brown fan, but something wrong went way wrong on that show.
posted by jefbla at 8:02 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


Herr Doktor, your comment reminded me of some book somewhere that I remember--I cannot remember for the life of me what, it was probably British--that spoke of Casanova (I think) going on his escapades with all the accoutrements necessary to cook breakfast, because asking his hostess would have been rude, or something.

If we ever go out drinking, remind me to bring a non-stick skillet, a spatula and a couple eggs.

It's okay. I forgive you. By bachelor standards, you're doing pretty good if you have a clean plate you can put in the microwave.
posted by gracedissolved at 8:12 PM on November 10, 2010


Is waffle house any good? Scranton is like a second or third home to me but I always kick it at the American legion for the free onion soup. I might have to check out the waffle house for some waffle house bacon everyone is talking about.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:12 PM on November 10, 2010


I have third-hand reports of a BBC radio cooking show that, in the 'fuckit, I'm so hung over my DAD's head hurts' mode familiar to some, decided one day to eschew the normal 3-course Italian preparation in favour of "let's show everyone how to boil an egg."

The next day, many markets sold out of eggs.

Basic cooking skills are not well taught. It's easy to live in a family that doesn't cook, or to become one of those families; cooking's not that hard, but it does take practice and many of us don't get enough before we leave the nest. I, for one, see enormous value in Ms. Ray's attempt at an absolutely minimalist recipe.
posted by Fraxas at 8:13 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Pizza, in it's best form, consistes of three elements.

The Crust - thin, crispy, and slightly burnt. A touch of grit in the dough and a satifying crack when you bite into it.

The Cheese - Not too thick, not to creamy, not assertive, it binds the other things together. Smooth and thin.

The Sauce - Ideally a pure tomato expression of tomatoness, salty with a tang, little bit of pepper. It should taste largely and sharply of tomato.

From there, one can go Calvinball. The saltiness of the bacon makes the sauce even more sharp and loud, adding to the crunchy mouth-feel of the crust and spicing up the cheese. The Pineapple works on the cheese, giving respite after the salty bacon/tomato and then bringing out the sweet flavor of the sauce and cheese. Each bite completes the other other, providing a very complex and rewarding meal.

Spinach and black olive are also good.
posted by The Whelk at 8:23 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


Ad hominem: “Anything with pineapple on it is not pizza. It's cool if you like it but don't kid yourself that it is pizza.”

Fuck pizza, then, because pizza is disgusting shit.
posted by koeselitz at 8:33 PM on November 10, 2010


what're YOU doing in the evening that makes you hanker for bacon?


NEVER YOU MIND.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:53 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


The late night recipe for bacon is:
cookie tray
bacon
oven
timer

Using a microwave is, as they say, just enough to make you mad. (Also, I'm sorry I didn't see this thread early enough to post FNH first. I have to sleep sometimes.)
posted by crataegus at 9:03 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


I believe overlapping is one word.
posted by unliteral at 9:06 PM on November 10, 2010


Pizza, in it's best form, consistes of three elements.

Crust, cheese (combo of mozarella and gorgonzola), blackened chicken.
posted by LionIndex at 9:11 PM on November 10, 2010


I have bacon in the freezer that's been there for several months, waiting.

The potentiality of the bacon is in many ways as satisfying to me as the reality of the bacon.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:21 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]


Forget about bacon. I want what herrdoktor is drinking!

Unless it's bacon grease.
posted by Kevin Street at 10:01 PM on November 10, 2010


Rachael Ray money shots.
posted by LarryC at 10:14 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


This thread is hilarious after drinking as much as I have tonight. Thank you metafilter. Back to the Sandra Lee section of foodnetworkhumor.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 10:36 PM on November 10, 2010


That money shots video seems to be taken at various times in her life between 14 and 45.
posted by chundo at 10:49 PM on November 10, 2010


Greg Nog wins the thread.
posted by not_on_display at 10:53 PM on November 10, 2010 [8 favorites]


Pizza has no rules. It's the Calvinball of foods.

Japan, and its complete misunderstanding of pizza would like a word with you. Seriously. Potatoes? Corn? Mayonnaise? Nori? Canned Tuna Fish?

Fuck, anchovies?!
posted by Ghidorah at 10:56 PM on November 10, 2010


>>Microwave on high for 6 to 13 minutes? Is that right?
>>posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:38 PM on November 10 [+] [!]

>NO. If you are going to make it in the microwave, you want four layers of paper towels, bacon, two layers of paper towels then three minutes. Then check it. Continue 30 seconds at a time.


ABSOLUTELY NO. What sort of microwaves you got over there? Or just how burnt-to-a-crisp do you like your bacon?

I reckon 60 seconds, tops. I'm speaking from experience. This is how I cook bacon most of the time.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 11:40 PM on November 10, 2010


Pasta. Pasta does not go on pizza. Neither do whole hamburger patties. Tokyo was where I discovered my personal beliefs on these matters are evidently not universal.

When my sister and I are both home, we have to cook bacon 3 times. Mom does it in the microwave, my sister only eats the turkey kind (that's not even bacon!) and I like it old fashioned in the pan. (not nine days old, thanks).

Dad just eats some of all of them.
posted by nat at 1:12 AM on November 11, 2010


In related news, how to make perfect scrambled eggs from the Guardian.

(Sadly, not microwaved.)
posted by Ahab at 1:56 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


There is a special place in hell for people who microwave bacon.
posted by vbfg at 3:11 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


...where you will meet Dorothy, who once tried to make me a cup of tea using a microwave.
posted by vbfg at 3:11 AM on November 11, 2010


I just realized that the Rachel Ray food and magazine endorsement assault seems to have abated... hooray! There was a year or two where you couldn't go grocery shopping without seeing her face on every other package of food and every magazine in the checkout aisle (apart from her own magazine, that is.)
posted by usonian at 3:51 AM on November 11, 2010


Actually corn is really delicious on pizza. The kernels pop with a sweetness that plays well with the cheese and meats. I can only think of the sweet possibilities of combining corn and pineapple and some meat... Cornapplecon pizza sounds godly.
posted by Meagan at 4:49 AM on November 11, 2010


A lesson in Food Network host late night drunk food recipe contrast: Nigella Lawson whipping up a bacon and tomato hash (recipe available here if you don't happen to be as obsessed with listening to her explain it as I am)
posted by cobra_high_tigers at 4:55 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


if you don't happen to be as obsessed with listening to her explain it as I am

It's actually kind of sad, how putting Nigella Lawson on a screen in front of me just makes me immediately quiet down and sit still like a four-year-old listening to Goodnight Moon. If anyone ever wants to slaughter me in an abbatoir, that's really all they need to do; it's like a Temple Grandin hugging-machine that operates on the lobe of my brain devoted to cooking stuff.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:03 AM on November 11, 2010 [11 favorites]


> Sandra Lee tastes one of her own cocktails in slow motion.

Why yes, that does encapsulate the Sandra Lee experience for many of us.
posted by ardgedee at 5:04 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


That Japanese pizza does sound kind of horrible, but I actually love how different countries reinterpret the whole pizza thing. My country does it in the saddest, most imitative way possible, but when I lived in France, I was in a region served by this fast food pizza chain called Pizza Sprint, who only opened at legitimate eating times and who sent their young delivery boys around in tiny black cars with their logo painted in bright orange on the side. I used to order their Pizza Marrakech, which came topped with creme fraiche, mozzarella, beef and turkey kebab, chickpeas, peppers, dried raisins and apricots, carrots, and all kinds of spices. Combos came with pizza, dessert, and a drink, which could be either a litre and a half of soda, or a bottle of vin rosé.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 5:30 AM on November 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


Herr Doktor, your comment reminded me of some book somewhere that I remember--I cannot remember for the life of me what, it was probably British--that spoke of Casanova (I think) going on his escapades with all the accoutrements necessary to cook breakfast, because asking his hostess would have been rude, or something.

"In the end, as every human being who has ever breakfasted on their own in someone else's kitchen has done since nearly the dawn of time, he made do with unsweetened instant black coffee.*

* Except for Giovanni Jacopo Casanova (1725-1798), famed amourist and literateur, who revealed in volume 12 of his Memoirs that, as a matter of course, he carried around with him at all times a small valise containing 'a loaf of bread, a pot of choice Seville marmalade, a knife, fork, and small spoon for stirring, 2 fresh eggs packed with care in unspun wool, a tomato or love-apple, a small frying pan, a small sauce pan, a spirit burner, a chafing dish, a tin of salted butter of the Italian type, 2 bone china plates. Also a portion of honey comb, as a sweetener, for my breath and for my coffee. Let my readers understand me when I say to them all: A true gentleman should always be able to break his fast in the manner of a gentleman, wheresoever he may find himself.'"
- Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
posted by kafziel at 5:41 AM on November 11, 2010 [5 favorites]


Mrs. Beese and I used to watch Good Eats regularly. Then Alton did a coffee episode where, after acknowledging that people might be resistant to undertake the effort first thing in the morning, he went on to explain why you should hand grind the beans in a pepper mill reserved for the purpose before heating freshly drawn cold water to a rapid boil and then steep the grounds for between 95 and 110 seconds until one could detect the aroma of a Wisconsin badger... You get the idea. We both instantly soured on the show.

Last week, NPR began their Nigella segment by saying, "Believe it or not, you and Nigella Lawson have something in common." I guessed: We both think she's gorgeous?

Her shtick can get cloying too. I'm so naughtily lazy using frozen peas! Oh, you've caught me in my bedclothes naughtily raiding my refrigerator! But when you look like that - "bosomy and bottomy", as she nicely put it - you can get away with it.

My current favorite is Alex's Day Off, where the jolie-laide hostess is always coming up with the most extraordinary analogies to describe what she's doing.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:46 AM on November 11, 2010


I have third-hand reports of a BBC radio cooking show that, in the 'fuckit, I'm so hung over my DAD's head hurts' mode familiar to some, decided one day to eschew the normal 3-course Italian preparation in favour of "let's show everyone how to boil an egg."

That sounds like Delia Smith, who did it as a basic cooking course. Believe it or not, some people are so dependent on convenience food or someone else cooking for them that they do not know these things. She is supposed to be a one for the cooking sherry but it was all planned out.

Meanwhile, meat recipes in UK papers look like this. I just made myself a sandwich from my own rosemary and rock salt bread and the chicken and stuffing I roasted at the weekend, and I think this is a happy medium.
posted by mippy at 6:16 AM on November 11, 2010


Also - I have never cooked bacon in a microwave. That's like microwaving tea! WRONGER THAN SEVENTY-SEVEN BIN LADENS.
posted by mippy at 6:17 AM on November 11, 2010


I love the comment in which the person asks if s/he should tesselate the paper towels.
posted by dlugoczaj at 6:43 AM on November 11, 2010


This thread. So delicious.
posted by Edison Carter at 6:52 AM on November 11, 2010


Thank you, Kafziel!
posted by gracedissolved at 7:08 AM on November 11, 2010


Pizza, in it's best form, consistes of three elements...From there, one can go Calvinball...The Pineapple...

And you started out so well...

Ad Hominem got it right. Pineapple's great, pizza can be great, but putting them together is just heresy in my neck of the woods. Seriously, people would lose respect for you. I'm not as judgmental as that, but I agree that they have a point.

Fuck pizza, then, because pizza is disgusting shit.

Do not fuck pizza, it is the opposite of disgusting when you know where to go.
posted by Edgewise at 7:14 AM on November 11, 2010


Sandra Lee is performance art.

I have not yet adjusted to the fact that Sandra Lee is the First Lady-elect of New York State. Maybe taking this as my mantra will help.
posted by yarrow at 7:19 AM on November 11, 2010


It's the part she was grown in a lab to play.
posted by The Whelk at 7:25 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


"Why did you order pineapple? Pineapple is a kid's topping."
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 7:33 AM on November 11, 2010


Rachael Ray is one of the 1st people who taught me what to do in the kitchen. You may think she's fake or stupid or fillintheblank but I am thankful for her show and most importantly her carbonara recipe.

Your homework is to go on Netflix and put the original Julia Child PBS collection in your queue.

After you watch a few episodes you'll understand why Rachel Ray is the Tea Party of cooking shows.
posted by device55 at 7:39 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


If you're craving anything, is Rachel Ray the one you're gonna turn to?

Maybe.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:49 AM on November 11, 2010


After you watch a few episodes you'll understand why Rachel Ray is the Tea Party of cooking shows.

Dude. Really? Drama much?
posted by grubi at 7:58 AM on November 11, 2010


> After you watch a few episodes you'll understand why Rachel Ray is the Tea Party of cooking shows.

That's harsh.

I like and admire both Rachel Ray and Julia Child. There's nothing that precludes somebody learning their way around the kitchen and mastering the ability to whip out nutritional dinners quickly, and then progressing onto high cuisine with Julia Child's help. Or Alton's, or any number of other TV chefs'.

The difference between eras is, in part, the prevalence of cheap, easily acquired fast food and the corresponding change in eating habits in the current generation, but also the change in social roles; when Julia started her show, the single-income household with a male wage-earner was still prevalent, in the popular mind if not in reality; the wife was expected to stay at home and do wifely things, including making a new, good meal each day. When I was in school, all the girls were required to take Home-Ec; all the boys took Shop Classes, and it took a letter and some persistent lobbying from parents to allow girls into the wood shop or boys into the Home-Ec class (I was at the very end of that era; my younger siblings were required to take both).

Julia's show in the 1960s was not in a vacuum either; James Beard had books and been making TV appearances for years already, for example, and Gourmet magazine was an ongoing concern - what Julia did was bring her personality to the front and make the recipes accessible to those whose only resources for ingredients were supermarkets (which were much smaller, and less diverse, than what we're used to).

Julia's job was to take an exotic thing (French haute cuisine!) and bring it to common people who might never afford to go to France. Rachel's job is to take an exotic thing (nutritious tasty food) and bring it to common people who thought they didn't have time to make it themselves.

Rachel's 1960s counterparts were innumerable handy homemaker shows (heck, even Dinah Shore would cook on-air) as well as publications like Family Circle, Better Homes & Gardens, and countless other magazines and newspapers. You know those awful-looking recipes from the past that make the rounds every so often? A lot of kids in the 1950s through the 70s grew up on that stuff.

Rachel Ray helps anybody who gets easily flummoxed by what to shop for and what to feed themselves or their kids, she gently encourages them to buy better ingredients, to think about the balance of meat and vegetables, something women (only!) were assumed to have been taught in school by default as part of their training to be housewives. Whether they actually had been or not.

Cut her a break; separate the marketing campaign going on around her with the essential service she's providing. She's a force for good in that regard.
posted by ardgedee at 8:02 AM on November 11, 2010 [10 favorites]


If you ignore the stuff that's terrible, obviously anybody is going to come off well. You don't need to have all the hateful trappings of Rachel Ray to provide that benefit.
posted by kafziel at 8:39 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


I like mine with pineapple and jalapeño. You don't have to have any.
posted by contraption at 8:39 AM on November 11, 2010


> If you ignore the stuff that's terrible, obviously anybody is going to come off well.

It was not a rant on behalf of somebody making a media empire out of teaching people how to make bad food out of other bad food, praising her for not kicking a dog.

Rachel's TV show is still "30 Minute Meals", and they're about making meals in 30 minutes. Whatever marketing and profit has spun off, it all derives from what I think is a fundamental service: Teaching people how to cook good food.
posted by ardgedee at 8:48 AM on November 11, 2010


I looked up. Rachael stood in the doorway, wearing her Dunkin' Donuts kaffiyeh and, of course, That Smile, nothing else. She had a plate of bacon in her hand.

"Anything else you need, darlin', while I'm still... up?", she purred, undulating toward me.

I hid my copy of the Food Matters cookbook under a pile of dirty underwear. "I hope you reserved the grease, baby. We might need it... later."
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:04 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have two rules for pizza.

No fish. No fruit.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:10 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


First one to point out tomatoes are technically a fruit get punched.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:10 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


Well did you know that pepperoni is actually a spice? 'Tis true, Cool Papa Bell.
posted by Mister_A at 9:14 AM on November 11, 2010


I also have a hard time believeing people would *want* a pizza sans pepperoni.
posted by grubi at 9:16 AM on November 11, 2010


Pepperoni is rancid foulness and ya'll can go to hell.
posted by The Whelk at 9:18 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Steve Jobs used to have a rule, back when the Macintosh was being developed, that you had to like pineapple pizza to be on the Mac team. I think that this goes a long way toward explaining why he was eventually ousted.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:21 AM on November 11, 2010


Pepperoni is rancid foulness and ya'll can go to hell.

Pizza without pepperoni is hell.

And it's spelled y'all.
posted by grubi at 9:24 AM on November 11, 2010


okay you got me. I am Steve Jobs.
posted by The Whelk at 9:25 AM on November 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


I KNEW IT.
posted by grubi at 9:27 AM on November 11, 2010


This explains so much.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:34 AM on November 11, 2010


A person should realize that they should put the cold meat in the box that makes things hot.

Oh my yes
posted by Riptor at 9:44 AM on November 11, 2010 [6 favorites]


I <3 ray ray. And bacon.
posted by yarly at 10:05 AM on November 11, 2010


SIMILAR RECIPE: Tagliatelle Bolognese


Okay.
posted by Foosnark at 10:12 AM on November 11, 2010


Pizza Marrakech, which came topped with creme fraiche, mozzarella, beef and turkey kebab, chickpeas, peppers, dried raisins and apricots, carrots, and all kinds of spices

The 'pizza blanche' variation I kept running into was crème fraîche with diced goose giblets, or if they wanted to style it up slightly, magret of duck breast.
posted by gimonca at 10:18 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


AND THEN THE PIG TRIES TO READ IN THE LIBRARY BECAUSE ITS THE LAST PIG ON EARTH BUT IT BROKE ITS GLASSES AN THE PIG SAYS "NOOOOOOO"

Greg Nog wins.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 10:23 AM on November 11, 2010


Greg Nogs Wins At Internet
posted by The Whelk at 10:35 AM on November 11, 2010


Anything with pineapple on it is not pizza. It's cool if you like it but don't kid yourself that it is pizza.

You are not from California.
posted by Mars Saxman at 10:42 AM on November 11, 2010


Several years back, one of the local 'good morning' shows was doing a live spot featuring Rachel and called to ask if they could use our kitchen to do the filming. After initially declining, being a working kitchen, we relented, with the understanding that all traces be removed in time for us to serve lunch. On the day of airing, Rachel's assistant arrives hours early and arranges everything! Nothing was out of place, everything was meticulously in order in preparation for the shoot. Time passes and no sign of Rachel. Our prep crew starts showing up wanting to get into the kitchen to start work, still no sign of Rachel. Finally, 45 minutes after the agreed upon time for everyone to be gone, in storms Rachel, screaming at her loyal assistant for not having this or doing that without so much as an 'I'm sorry for running late' to those of us she was actually inconveniencing for her personal gain. I remember standing to the side and thinking there is no way she can film anything in this state but boy oh boy was I wrong. The lights and camera came on and with it came the smile, just like flipping a switch. Sweet as pie. She breezed through the 10 minute spot, doubtless thanks to the preparation put in by the assistant. Sure enough, as soon as the camera went off back came the scowl.
posted by hangingbyathread at 10:48 AM on November 11, 2010 [4 favorites]


Cruising through the FNH annals. This is a good one, too.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:09 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


You are not from California.

When I first heard about pineapple on pizza, I thought the guy was fucking with me. How could that even be possible! Nobody would put anything but pepperoni on pizza. I am much more accepting now.

Once when I was forced to leave New York I tried to order pizza, I called up and asked for a large pie, the guy said with some sort of world weary snear in his voice "Sir, we don't sell pie, we sell pizza" all I could do was say "Apparently you don't" and hang up.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:33 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


One of the best pizzas I've had was from a place in Reykjavík that probably operated as a money-laundering front for pot smuggling. The pizza varied in quality and generally, they got better when the cooks were stoned. Anyhow, they came up with their own "Reykjavíkur" pizza: Pepperoni. Pineapple. Cream cheese. (YES YOU HEARD ME.) Black olives.

Oh man. You kinda had to close your eyes for the first bite and sort of take a leap of faith, but then it was just pure bliss. So wrong and yet, oh so right. I have yet to enjoy an olive in any other context. As in, I have eaten them in other contexts and spat them out because there was no joy there. But not the Reykjavíkur Pizza - the olives were necessary to complete the smorgasbord of "WTF?!" dancing in your mouth.
posted by sonika at 11:34 AM on November 11, 2010


Once when I was forced to leave New York I tried to order pizza, I called up and asked for a large pie, the guy said with some sort of world weary snear in his voice "Sir, we don't sell pie, we sell pizza" all I could do was say "Apparently you don't" and hang up.

Half Pepperoni, half pumpkin!
posted by usonian at 11:44 AM on November 11, 2010


Greg Nogs Wins At Internet

Until you follow him on Twitter, you have no idea how hard he wins at Internet.
posted by grubi at 11:50 AM on November 11, 2010


TWURTS KNOW IT IS NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU TRY BUT HOW MUCH YOU WIN
posted by The Whelk at 11:51 AM on November 11, 2010


To be fair, hangingbyathread (eponysterical!), everyone has a bad day. not saying that she is or is not a total prima donna with anger issues; I'm just saying one incident isn't enough for me to come to a conclusion. Even my dear, sweet, patient wife has those days.
posted by grubi at 11:52 AM on November 11, 2010


This, somehow, was the thread that broke my will and sent me to the store for bacon. I'm not supposed to eat farmed meat, but omfg blta with fresh-picked beefsteak from the garden and local avocados.... it was EPIC.

I cooked it in the oven. That works great!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:16 PM on November 11, 2010


Is waffle house any good? Scranton is like a second or third home to me but I always kick it at the American legion for the free onion soup. I might have to check out the waffle house for some waffle house bacon everyone is talking about.

Waffle House is less about the quality of the food than about the quality of the experience. Waffle House is open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Nine AM on Christmas morning, Waffle House is open. Six in the evening on Thanksgiving, Waffle House is open. Four in the morning when the black dog nips at your heels and the clock has stopped ticking and the whiskey's gone, Waffle House is open.

And every Waffle House is identical. Same menu, same uniforms. Same coffee. Same limp waffle on the same plate with the same inexplicably Halloween-spooky writing around the edge. (A step down from the old plates with their lovely border of Spencerian-script loops, if you ask me.) Waffle Houses are so cloned and identical you expect to see the same "ADD BACON" graffito defacing the bathroom hand-dryers.

But these things aren't special. There are many 24-hour eateries. There are many cookie-cutter restaurant chains. What makes Waffle House special springs largely, I think, from the genius of its design. It is bright. It is welcoming. It is supremely practical.

And it is intimate. The booths are small. The counter stools put you shoulder-to-shoulder. It encourages closeness. The design gets out of its own way.

Waffle House becomes a stage on which the people within it are performing. The ballet of table service. The virtuosity of a talented short order cook. The comedy and tragedy of the drunks. The quiet drama of a man eating pie alone.

All unfolding constantly, in a thousand places. All redolent of bacon grease and grilled onions. All available for the price of a cup of coffee.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:23 PM on November 11, 2010 [10 favorites]


As a former third shift WH waitress, I salute you, BitterOldPunk. You got it right.

And what is sickening is this: on many of our wedding anniversaries, my husband (the infamous Ralph) and I voluntarily choose Waffle House for our datenight.

It gets in the blood. Scattered, smothered, covered and chunked, my friend.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:30 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


I went to Waffle House only once. I've spent time in the west and been to NYC, and done a little Red Cross time in the gulf, but only once was I within distance of a WH with time enough to dine.

It was while overnighting in DFW on the way back to CA from a Caribbean cruise, staying at a Lazy 8 or whatever. Handsome Consort and I walked the 2 miles or so across a dark, foreign, sidewalkless parkway through some godforsaken texan exurb, past the Squigie's hoagies or whatever, all the other unfamiliar chains, Ruby Tuesday and stuff, to WH. And boy was it impressive. They have songs about themselves on the jukebox! Our waitress was like, 13! Tourism! And I liked it better than any of that boat food, too.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:37 PM on November 11, 2010


"RECEIVE BACON" DAMMIT NOT "ADD BACON" FUCK I PROOFREAD THAT BITCH TOO
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:42 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Scattered, smothered, covered and chunked

I can stand for a lot of things, but chunked is taking it too far.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:03 PM on November 11, 2010


Oh man now I'm CRAVING WH hashbrowns......
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:01 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


I have two rules for pizza.

No fish. No fruit.


Does that include no tomato based sauce? Or do you just mean sweet fruits like pineapple or mango?
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:50 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Even as someone who has not been in the South in many a many-a, I have to salute the Waffle House experience.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:01 PM on November 11, 2010


Oh no! Quick, uncanny hengeman, duck! These pizza zealots are depraved, violent fanatics.

I like anchovies on there too sometimes. You wanna know what else? That's Italian as fuck, so shut up.
posted by contraption at 11:08 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


That's on a separate pizza from the pineapple and jalapeño, of course. I'm not insane.
posted by contraption at 11:10 PM on November 11, 2010


My dad is technically a fruit.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 11:24 PM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Waffle House is all about the hash browns. The tastiest on earth. Scattered and smothered (that means with onions), and some salt and pepper... divine.
posted by grubi at 6:38 AM on November 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Oh, and that place is as cheap as can be. you can get a lot of food for the least amount you'll pay in a restaurant-type setting, and walk away happy.

I know I do.
posted by grubi at 6:41 AM on November 12, 2010


Sandra Lee tastes one of her own cocktails in slow motion.

I have no idea who Sandra Lee is, but that is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. She imbibes a concoction so noxious that her cloaking device malfunctions and we see her turn into a Grey right in front of us.
posted by Ritchie at 8:30 AM on November 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


If you're craving anything, is Rachel Ray the one you're gonna turn to?

Would if I could. Damn, she is yummy. Her show, notsomuch.

BTW, goodnewsfortheinsane: your page title here is not entirely correct. In the US, bacon is "southern kosher" (or so a catering friend has been informed by Jewish customers Down South).
posted by IAmBroom at 12:53 PM on November 12, 2010


In my art school days my best friend was Jewish. When she'd stay at my house (we would always drive down to school together-road trip!-SHE was the one who would eat the bacon my mom would fix. For some reason back then I wouldn't. Silly me.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:04 PM on November 12, 2010


New recipes on food network: Ina Garten's roast bacon - put bacon in oven. Then eat.

Rachel Rays pineapple wedges - buy a pineapple and cut it up. Then eat.
posted by dead cousin ted at 9:33 AM on November 18, 2010


Also - I have never cooked bacon in a microwave. That's like microwaving tea! WRONGER THAN SEVENTY-SEVEN BIN LADENS.

I know that that seems like it should be true, but the fact is, the microwave is approximately a gajillion times better than a pan. Since the microwave doesn't rely on surface contact to do the cooking, the wiggly-when-warmed bacon is cooked evenly all over. None of that half-burnt, half-raw, takes-forever-and-splatters-all-over-the-kitchen bullshit you get from pan-frying.

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with microwaving water for tea. More than anything, it just makes the kettle feel unappreciated.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:27 AM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


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