White males, between 14 and 23. Chronic masturbators.

December 25, 2010 4:13 PM

The users of 4chan recently conducted a survey. The results are pretty much what you'd expect. (cloud link, wait for it to load)
posted by inedible (68 comments total)

Will those over 59 please stand up?

Thank you.
posted by Avenger50 at 4:23 PM on December 25, 2010

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
posted by netbros at 4:25 PM on December 25, 2010 [42 favorites]

Why is the doctor examining his eyes in the waiting room?
posted by kilo hertz at 4:29 PM on December 25, 2010 [19 favorites]

Why is the doctor examining his eyes in the waiting room?

Go back to the blue waiting room and masturbate some more.
posted by special-k at 4:32 PM on December 25, 2010

Why is the doctor examining his eyes in the waiting room?

He's not, the door's cracked open and the doctor is actually OPs little sister. The patients in the other room are a motley collection of OPs slightly overweight friends who had peer-pressured him into doing this in the first place and are now busily unzipping their own trousers to get in on the action.

A single person says, "hey, I don't think we should be doing this" but then leaves the room without saying anything else.

The rest of the world watches through the windows of the house, equally fascinated and repulsed. "It's shit like this" people think in their minds. They then turn back to their own families, which are dysfunctional in themselves but given the new context of 4chan, doesn't seem too bad.

There is no punchline.
posted by dubusadus at 4:38 PM on December 25, 2010 [38 favorites]

The Google Docs seem to have encountered a server error.

Whether this has anything to do with patients masturbating in the waiting room, I cannot say.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:41 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I couldn't get the google docs link to work until I took the survey. The most surprising bit from the survey was about 50% of the 4chan userbase had not had sex before.
posted by mathowie at 4:44 PM on December 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

Google Docs has encountered a server error. If reloading the page doesn't help, please contact us.

Our servers are busy. Please wait a bit and try again.
To discuss this or other issues, visit the Google Docs Help forum. To see the list of known problems, check the Google Docs Known Issues page.


Sorry, and thanks for your help!
- The Google Docs Team

I don't suppose there's a mirror somewhere?
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 4:45 PM on December 25, 2010

RESULTS DON'T LOAD
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:45 PM on December 25, 2010

The Google Docs seem to have encountered a server error.

I got that too, at first, but it worked after a short wait/refresh. Servers are probably busy.
posted by kilo hertz at 4:47 PM on December 25, 2010

Why did I filled that up?! Admitting chronic masturbation in public felt weird...
OOps..
posted by CitoyenK at 4:49 PM on December 25, 2010

The Google Docs seem to have encountered a server error.

Yeah, cloud computing is awesome, huh? I can't wait to get a chrome laptop. Then all my documents can load like this!

Anyway, just refresh. It'll eventually work.
posted by inedible at 4:51 PM on December 25, 2010 [12 favorites]

ttly legit
posted by Ad hominem at 4:53 PM on December 25, 2010

Took me a couple of refreshes to get it to load as well. The 50% virginity rate wasn't surprising to me. What was a bit shocking was the fetish section. That there is so much interest in incest, children, and bestiality is a bit concerning.
posted by ryaninoakland at 5:00 PM on December 25, 2010

Yeah ,pedo, jailbait and lolicon were actually 3 different options right? I think 4chan is being trolled by the survey.

/r/jailbait is one of the biggest subreddits as well.

To be fair we are dealing with 12 year olds here.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:06 PM on December 25, 2010

mathowie: "I couldn't get the google docs link to work until I took the survey. The most surprising bit from the survey was about 50% of the 4chan userbase had not had sex before."

The most surprising bit is that 50% of the userbase HAS had sex before.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 5:09 PM on December 25, 2010 [12 favorites]

I found it very interesting that they included "Jewish" as a race. It's the only religion specifically called out.
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:14 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

The only thing that surprises me is that there are bold bucanneers who look at 4chan at work.
posted by jfuller at 5:14 PM on December 25, 2010

"The Google Docs seem to have encountered a server error. "

"I couldn't get the google docs link to work"

"RESULTS DON'T LOAD"

Problem, MeFi?
posted by Rhaomi at 5:16 PM on December 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

I wanted to save my first post for something bigger than this, but I felt the results of this survey were a lot more enlightening than I expected.

I really wasn't all that surprised with the results. If anything, I was surprised the results matched my preconceived notions so closely. The only thing I didn't already half-expect is that the majority of users are lurkers who don't post.

I always sorta expected that more than half of 4chan were virgins, but it's another thing entirely to have that confirmed.
posted by inedible at 5:20 PM on December 25, 2010

Lotsa straight people interested in anal sex.
posted by jefficator at 5:22 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

mathowie: I couldn't get the google docs link to work until I took the survey. The most surprising bit from the survey was about 50% of the 4chan userbase had not had sex before.

For me, it worked by just loading the survey; I didn't have to take it. Then the main page magically loaded.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:23 PM on December 25, 2010

Lotsa straight people interested in anal sex.

u jelly?
posted by fleetmouse at 5:25 PM on December 25, 2010

First thingMonday morning guy is there at his doctors office. "doctor look at my penis it's all orange". Doctor examines him for a bit then asks "what did you do this weekend"? "doc nothing, all I did was get a porno and eat some cheatos"
posted by pianomover at 5:27 PM on December 25, 2010

How many times per week do you masturbate?

"Over 9000."
posted by ryoshu at 5:37 PM on December 25, 2010 [10 favorites]

25% gay/bi
posted by ennui.bz at 5:40 PM on December 25, 2010

Lotsa straight people interested in anal sex.
they don't make PIV porn anymore.

The most surprising bit from the survey was about 50% of the 4chan userbase had not had sex before.
35 percent are under 18 so I'll cut them some slack.

What is shocking is the 303 people who are on 4chan more than 24 hour a day. As well as the 503 people into vore porn.

This is like the anonymous state sociology tests we took in HS where everyone checked off every drug. 6 months later you see on the news that 75% of teens use heroin.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:40 PM on December 25, 2010 [16 favorites]

Teenage male nerds wank a lot. Anything else I should know?
posted by Devonian at 5:43 PM on December 25, 2010

Obvious survey is obvious.
posted by JimmyJames at 5:45 PM on December 25, 2010

The most surprising bit from the survey was about 50 % of the 4 chan userbase had not had sex before.

Remember, however that the 4chan userbase is pathologically proneto lying, lying, and lying some more. Make that 95%.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:49 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't suppose there's a mirror somewhere? - posted by UrineSoakedRube

Here is a mirror of sorts.

It's an active survey, so the results are going to continue to be updated as more submissions are entered, however the post is gone off /b/, so these are pretty much final.
posted by inedible at 6:10 PM on December 25, 2010

SERVER'S CLOSED.
posted by ryanrs at 6:16 PM on December 25, 2010 [4 favorites]

Internet Poll + 4Chan = TRUTH!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:17 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wait, there's Jewish porn?

Actually, I don't want the answer to that question.
posted by Askiba at 6:18 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sorry, but you couldn't have cached or made pdfs or done anything at all to make this content accessible without clicking on some unreliable Google docs?

I have no idea at all if the content for this would be a good post or a terrible one, but it sure is poorly presented.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:20 PM on December 25, 2010

paisley henosis: To be fair, when I posted this, it was loading successfully more than 75% of the time. I did warn that it's a link to a cloud hosted document. I actually had a bit more faith in google's document servers, seeing as they're trying to make an operating system out of it. If you'll scroll up a bit, you'll find I provided a link to a screenshot of the results.

Admin, please hope me. If someone could add that link to the original post as a "mirror", that'd be spectacular.
posted by inedible at 6:27 PM on December 25, 2010

I like how dissing 4chan is all about saying, "haha, virgins"

probably have tiny peckers too
posted by nathan v at 6:34 PM on December 25, 2010

It works for me right now. I had to wait a couple minutes though.I was expecting the survey questions to be more offensive. I don't know how, exactly, but... yeah.

Do kids these days count oral sex as sex?
posted by giraffe at 6:38 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm sure there is a lot of lying going on.

1) Lying for the hell of it.
2) Lying to appear 'cooler' or 'more edgy' than in reality.

I would assume there is little lying in the what state question. I can understand CA (571 11%) and TX (208 4%) because those are big states. But WFT is with AL (397 7%) and TN (309 6%)? Those are small places. NY (119 2%) has much more population.

For race I guess White (3857 71%) is somewhat close - my guess is that most would not want to be considered non-white though I could imagine maybe 10% claiming to be asian or black because it cooler or edgier.

From this survey, I would hate to know someone who learned to be cool through 4chan.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 6:40 PM on December 25, 2010

While I'm not surprised that most of the American 4channers were from California, the next two highest frequency states were Alabama and Tennessee, followed by Texas.
posted by porpoise at 6:44 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

Ya'll participants know you're responding to a troll poll?
posted by littlerobothead at 7:04 PM on December 25, 2010

I'm sure there is a lot of lying going on.

You think?

Q: How many hours per day do you typically spend on 4chan?
A: 24+
posted by juv3nal at 7:06 PM on December 25, 2010

inedible: To be fair, when I posted this, it was loading successfully more than 75% of the time. I did warn that it's a link to a cloud hosted document. I actually had a bit more faith in google's document servers, seeing as they're trying to make an operating system out of it. If you'll scroll up a bit, you'll find I provided a link to a screenshot of the results.

Nothing personal, but "loaded more than 75% of the time" isn't really an amazing threshold of reliability.
posted by paisley henosis at 7:38 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

ryaninoakland writes "That there is so much interest in incest, children, and bestiality is a bit concerning."

Ad hominem writes "Yeah ,pedo, jailbait and lolicon were actually 3 different options right? I think 4chan is being trolled by the survey."

This doesn't surprise me one bit. Every single unmoderated erotic literature site/news group/mailing list/BBS I've ever seen is easily 40-50% these three things.

Surprising to me was the low reported drug use. My observed usage rate of just pot is a lot higher across the demographic board.
posted by Mitheral at 7:50 PM on December 25, 2010

Do kids these days count oral sex as sex?

In my experience (from both with "kids these days" and 4chan users), no. Anecdata though.

Also I don't really trust 4chan users to not be fucking with the survey. I'm a bit doubtful on the "almost as many trans users as female ones" stat.
posted by NoraReed at 7:53 PM on December 25, 2010

Alabama is almost always over-represented on any survey/statistic where "AL" is first on the list.
posted by Skorgu at 8:48 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Alaska?
posted by ryanrs at 8:55 PM on December 25, 2010

Alaska?

Alaska is AK. Alabama is AL.
posted by Marla Singer at 9:11 PM on December 25, 2010

Yes, Alabama may be first on the list, but AL is second.
posted by ryanrs at 9:18 PM on December 25, 2010

Alabama ←1st
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas

AK
AL ←2nd
AR
AZ

Have a pedantic xmas, metafilter.
posted by ryanrs at 9:37 PM on December 25, 2010 [10 favorites]

I like the users who discovered 4chan in 2011. Because I want a TARDIS too.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:51 PM on December 25, 2010 [8 favorites]

Wait, there's Jewish porn?

Pffft. Metafilter was into Jewish porn three years ago.
posted by Rangeboy at 10:05 PM on December 25, 2010

So, someone do a Metafilter poll with exactly the same questions.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:14 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

ryanrs: Is that the way the actual survey is listed? The survey won't load for me, so I can't see for myself. Anyway. I was responding to what people wrote here, and while I'm aware that AK comes before AL (which I suppose I should have fucking mentioned or something for your goddamned benefit), I thought maybe they left Alaska off. (Poor ol' AK and HI get left out on the odd occasion, FWI) Otherwise, why would someone bother to write:

Alabama is almost always over-represented on any survey/statistic where "AL" is first on the list.
posted by Marla Singer at 10:23 PM on December 25, 2010

But WFT is with AL (397 7%) and TN (309 6%)?

Nothing else to do. Picture a southern, 17 year old Dwight Schrute with no farm.
posted by gjc at 10:27 PM on December 25, 2010

Well I got the survey to load, to I can answer my own question: AL is indeed first on the list, even though AK is on the list too. The way the first four states are listed is:

AL
AK <-- 2nd on 4chan's survey, see?
AZ
AR

That's right, they've even got AR above AZ somehow.
posted by Marla Singer at 10:38 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I mean AR below AZ.

That's it, no more eggnog for me. G'night all.
posted by Marla Singer at 10:39 PM on December 25, 2010

As much as I'd like to see accurate results from this study, I can't think of any place in the universe more likely to attempt to subvert a survey for lulz than 4chan. So I'd probably take it with a grain of salt.
posted by Mitrovarr at 10:48 PM on December 25, 2010

Don't worry guys! I've made /b/ aware of their lexicographic lapse with a link to this thread. I'm sure they'll be by shortly to issue a correction.
posted by ryanrs at 10:59 PM on December 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

Keep in mind, people who are surprised about the illegal/loli/bestiality/incest thing, that the percentages work out to being fairly equal. It seems possible that a decent portion of those who selected one of these actually selected more than one, as more extreme forms of pornography are being linked with sex and porn addiction more and more frequently.

Not attempting to equate correlation and causality, but I would be not-at-all shocked to find that porn addicts are disproportionately likely to find 4chan appealing.
posted by Alcibiades. at 11:04 PM on December 25, 2010

The results are not at all what I expected. I thought the histograms would be represented by relative degree of tranny genitalia engorgement and/or depth of tentacle penetration.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:14 PM on December 25, 2010

Well AL gets listed before AK for the same reason that it shows MN MS MO in that order: the states were clearly alphabetized by name and then displayed by abbreviation (not unsurprising if you had a data structure with both, sort on name and then put the abbreviation into your form). You see this a lot (or at least I've seen it several times).
posted by wildcrdj at 11:46 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

wildcrdj writes "Well AL gets listed before AK for the same reason that it shows MN MS MO in that order: the states were clearly alphabetized by name and then displayed by abbreviation (not unsurprising if you had a data structure with both, sort on name and then put the abbreviation into your form). You see this a lot (or at least I've seen it several times)."

Also explains Arizona being sorted before Arkansas.
posted by Mitheral at 12:52 AM on December 26, 2010

I'm a bit doubtful on the "almost as many trans users as female ones" stat.

There're a lot of trans people on the chans (although I'm not thrilled with the definition of trans in opposition to male/female but eh, kids...). From the point of view of a relative outsider many imageboards have a bit of an obsession, although how much of it is genuine interest/attraction/arousal and how much is just because it's different/weird/edgy I don't know. Still, lots of trans teens feel at home on chans and post openly, and I can see why.

Anecdotally, people I've known who grew up on the chans universally either don't give a shit or are quite interested if I tell them I'm transladied. Correlation/causation/eh.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 1:48 AM on December 26, 2010

AL (397 7%) may be overrepresented because it is the first choice in the list, but WTF TN (309 6%) compared to NY (119 2%).

Is there some sort of joke about being from TN that would cause it to falsely be chosen?
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 8:14 AM on December 26, 2010

This Alabama/Alaska thing is exactly the kind of bullshit I'd expect from George Bush Junior.
posted by box at 11:14 AM on December 26, 2010

Chronic masturbation? As opposed to acute masturbation? Is this to imply that some people permanently stop masturbating? Or are some people not chronicly horny? (my sympathies for those ones!)
posted by Goofyy at 12:15 AM on December 27, 2010

I put the vote-by-state info into a spreadsheet so I could try to figure out what was going on.

First off, the percentages don't add up to 100 but instead to 58%. I presume this is the fraction of all those who took the survey AND provided an answer about what state they lived in. The survey says that people can claim residence in more than one state but I haven't factored that out.

So I normalized the state residency responses by their total to give another measure of state percentages and then compared this to (I think 2006) state populations and computed the ratio of the 4chan state response percentage to the actual state population as a percent of the US population to compute the ratio of how much a state is over or under represented in the 4chan responses.

Here is the data sorted by the ratio of 4chan responses to state population as part of the US.

AL 6.622
TN 3.992
WA 1.914
OR 1.876
AK 1.560
CA 1.327
dc 1.283
ID 1.273
RI 1.258
VT 1.196
NV 1.166
CO 1.162
CT 1.065
AZ 1.029
MN 0.939
HI 0.871
KS 0.864
MA 0.812
NE 0.802
TX 0.800
MI 0.784
IL 0.774
UT 0.761
IN 0.757
PA 0.750
ME 0.734
VA 0.723
OH 0.722
MT 0.711
FL 0.677
KY 0.657
NM 0.649
GA 0.646
NJ 0.642
NH 0.624
WI 0.618
WV 0.616
MO 0.613
NY 0.607
SC 0.605
ND 0.587
SD 0.573
MD 0.558
AR 0.531
IA 0.526
NC 0.523
LA 0.505
WY 0.435
OK 0.417
DE 0.350
MS 0.282

AL (6.622) is largest because I guess many responders just clicked the first item in the list. TN (3.992) is very large for some unknown reason unless it is the true heart of 4chan.

Of the others the top ones seem to be clustered in the North West. I can't think of any reason for this other than White Power Militias are more prevalent there than even in the Deep South.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 2:13 AM on December 27, 2010