Bangable Dudes in History
January 9, 2011 3:27 AM   Subscribe

Bangable Dudes in History.. with pie charts.

Sheez, Stalin. What went wrong?
posted by Ahab (63 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'd Hittite.
posted by pracowity at 3:42 AM on January 9, 2011 [14 favorites]


The fratboyette approach mingled with the lingering scent of trying too hard ("Why A-Ham was a Hot-T"?) made the most 'bangable' thing in here for me the beautifully rendered pie charts. Such pie charts.

All in all it comes out looking like this book you buy for a fourteen year old kid because it looks kind of funny, and it's got the word 'boners' in it, and also has history facts, but one too many 'DEAD BONERS' and the joke is over. Amusement might be had over hipster poet Stalin looking much like any attractive hipster poet today, but I am saddened to realise there is a point where the word 'boner' stops being funny.

I return to my chilly tower on Unfun Avenue.
posted by monster truck weekend at 3:53 AM on January 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


Pu Yi was impotent, so if you wanted any banging with the Last Emperor, you'd have to supply it yourself.
posted by Abiezer at 3:58 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Needs more Venn.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:59 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


for me, it's all about Ernest Rutherford...srsly, I would let him get all up in my nucleus...
posted by sexyrobot at 4:05 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm only checking out bangable dudes and the charts because I'm pie-curious.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:14 AM on January 9, 2011 [25 favorites]


Needs more Tesla.
posted by fight or flight at 4:34 AM on January 9, 2011 [9 favorites]


Another vote for Rutherford. I tried to talk my then-sexytimes-partner into some sexytimes in the Rutherford museum when we were in Christchurch, but he wasn't having it. Just something about being there got me going... and I'm certain he would have approved.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 4:44 AM on January 9, 2011


The concept here appears to have been, ahem, inspired (modulo the gender-swap) by the "Hotties from History" joke/segment of John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman's podcast The Bugle, circa 2008.
posted by kcds at 5:05 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


boyzone. or its opposite. or something. i'm going to sleep in monster truck's Unfun Ave.
posted by feldspaz at 5:06 AM on January 9, 2011


A study of the greatest boners of all time? (previously on MeFi)
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:10 AM on January 9, 2011


Needs more Tesla.

They had a few good songs, but I don't know if that makes them bangable...
posted by jonmc at 5:31 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


"there is a point where the word 'boner' stops being funny."

That, sir or madame, is the least true statement ever rendered by the human linguistic faculties.
posted by cthuljew at 5:41 AM on January 9, 2011 [10 favorites]


I knew there had to be another reason to despise the movie "Out of Africa."
posted by blucevalo at 6:15 AM on January 9, 2011


Antinous
posted by The Whelk at 6:42 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


John Wilmot
posted by The Whelk at 6:50 AM on January 9, 2011


That antinous dude has no arms, dude. I didn't know you were an amputee fetishist.
posted by jonmc at 6:56 AM on January 9, 2011


He has no lower torso either, but I guess that means you could put him on the ground in front of you and rest your drink on his head..

(Ahab runs for cover in anticipation of incoming projectiles)
posted by Ahab at 6:59 AM on January 9, 2011


I find them all non-bangable, but then I'm a raging heterosexual.
posted by bwg at 7:05 AM on January 9, 2011


Is there a similar blog with women?
posted by pracowity at 7:12 AM on January 9, 2011


Stalin's a little too much of a bro for me.
posted by Nixy at 7:20 AM on January 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


Sir Richard Fancis Burton, cause he was basically a superhero.
posted by The Whelk at 7:21 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm not afraid to say it: Osama bin Laden was a handsome man.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:43 AM on January 9, 2011


is there something about scary old alkies William Tecumseh Sherman, I don't understand?
posted by ennui.bz at 7:51 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm sure it's just the beard and the fact that he had a Painting Smock but Gustav Klimt

Yes I have thought about this very subject in detail.
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Before there was witty old coot Twain, there was bangable riverboat Twain.
posted by zylocomotion at 8:10 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh for fuck's sake, if this were "old time-y chicks I would totally nail" it wouldn't fly for even a second.
posted by paisley henosis at 8:25 AM on January 9, 2011 [12 favorites]


That picture of Twain? Take away the moustache and you've got Woody Harrelson.
posted by jtron at 8:35 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


fight or flight : Needs more Tesla
paisley henosis : Oh for fuck's sake, if this were "old time-y chicks I would totally nail" it wouldn't fly for even a second.

We can satisfy both of those in one: Hotties from History.

But yeah, the biased censorship here really does get kinda blatant at times. Would you like another cup of Kool-Aid?
posted by pla at 8:42 AM on January 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


I disagree -- I'd love to see a site of historic dead chicks, with pie charts explaining their accomplishments and interesting facts about them as their reasons for being badass and bangable, as opposed to how nice their tits are. Bring it on.
posted by chowflap at 8:42 AM on January 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


No, this is the most bangable Twain.
posted by Toekneesan at 8:47 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


He looks like Captain Picard's drunk angry brother.
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 AM on January 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


This woman really wants to bang Harry Potter.
posted by spec80 at 8:52 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm always happy to see one of the most courageous, outspoken, and willing fighters for labor/human rights fetishized in a Teen Beat airhead dissemination.

"Eugene seemed ... committed to defending civil liberties."

Am I allowed to cuss here? Because I really would like to cuss.
posted by gcbv at 8:58 AM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


*emphasis mine.
posted by gcbv at 9:00 AM on January 9, 2011


Helllloooooo General Ulysses S. Grant!
posted by buzzkillington at 9:16 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


HISTORIC BONER NO. 11 Shah Jahan, Mughal Emperor. Evidence: Imprisoned stepmother = Badassness.

Yeah, looks like someone's got some issues to sort out with a trained professional and has opted to vomit their psychological problems all over a blog.
As usual.

This entire thread is some happy fucking horseshit.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:34 AM on January 9, 2011


I don't get the pie charts at all. Pie charts are for percentages. There are no percentages here.

They're not really pie charts so much as circles cut into arbitrarily-sized slices for no real reason.

Also, this is a ripoff of The Bugle's "Hotties from History."
posted by Sys Rq at 10:19 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


> That picture of Twain? Take away the moustache and you've got Woody Harrelson.

Woody Harrelson as Mark Twain
posted by K.P. at 10:24 AM on January 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


Dang I was going to show up in this thread with my pictures of Robert Cornelius and Ramses II and Toshiro Mifune but it's like nobody's having fun in here. Why isn't Kate Beaton the one doing this blog?
posted by Countess Elena at 10:25 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is there a "wannabeblogtobookdeal" tag on MeFi? If not, there should be.
posted by oneironaut at 10:44 AM on January 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


This site. I am not getting it.
posted by Decani at 11:08 AM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


This site. I am not getting it.
Apparently, neither is she.
posted by binturong at 11:39 AM on January 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


@buzzkillington: is it me, or does Ulysses Grant look like Viggo Mortensen?
posted by liza at 12:19 PM on January 9, 2011


This is great! I am straight and would bang like 49% of these dudes.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:58 PM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is great! I am straight and would bang like 49% of these dudes.

Uh, I think there's something you should know...
posted by doublehappy at 1:24 PM on January 9, 2011


I'm surprised man's man Ernest Hemingway wasn't the first post there.
posted by palomar at 1:52 PM on January 9, 2011


Think of the pillow talk.

"That was good."

"This bed is soft"

"Give me whiskey"
posted by The Whelk at 1:53 PM on January 9, 2011 [6 favorites]


Lewis Payne, Lincoln assassination conspirator, was kind of a hottie if you can overlook heinous crimes and a rather dim view of Union victory.
posted by kittyloop at 3:20 PM on January 9, 2011


I only came into this thread to drop this picture and then run.

(Oh Che... can I have a shirt with your *pecs* on it instead?)
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:29 PM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


That, sir or madame, is the least true statement ever rendered by the human linguistic faculties.

It's as distressing to me as it is to you, but look at the results! We've reached peak boner.
posted by monster truck weekend at 3:31 PM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


and what a mightly peak it is.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Whelk: He looks like Captain Picard's drunk angry brother.

Maurice made trouble with the ladies every time he came around.
posted by bicyclefish at 3:38 PM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oh and for fun facts about my choices

Antonius - has a cult centered around him, completely enraptured the Emperor who, after he died commissioned so many statues of him and he's one of the few people in anicent history that we're really really sure what he looked like (Alexander the great did this too, but that was busts of ...himself.)

Jon Wilmot - Poet, dramatist and Celebrity Degenerate. Wrote some of the best prose about fucking ever and got to be played by Johnny Depp in a movie.

Klimt - Founding member of the Secessionist Movement, notable figure in the Arts And Crafts Movement, pioneer in dress reform and did that painting every college freshman has.


Sir Richard Burton - Good god man, just READ that wikipedia entry! He got speared through the cheek and then ripped it out and chased people with it. He was BATMAN.
posted by The Whelk at 3:41 PM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


HAD a cult, although there's a throwaway line in American Gods that Antonius worship continues in the form of ...uh...gay porn.
posted by The Whelk at 3:42 PM on January 9, 2011


Regardless of the political delicacy of the whole thread, I must stand up and say:

Young Stalin had nice eyes.

(I leave the irony as an exercise for the class.)
posted by LMGM at 3:45 PM on January 9, 2011


WTF, no Phineas Gage? I am disappoint.
posted by elizardbits at 3:54 PM on January 9, 2011


Sir Richard Burton - Good god man, just READ that wikipedia entry! He got speared through the cheek and then ripped it out and chased people with it. He was BATMAN.

Also, he married Elizabeth Taylor.

Twice.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:39 PM on January 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I only came into this thread to drop this picture and then run.



(Oh Che... can I have a shirt with your *pecs* on it instead?)
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:29 PM on January 9


not even gonna lie: as a Latinoamericana of my generation, i would totally seek out guys that looked like Ché, beret or no beret. to say that i had to take extra panties to the movie theater to watch puerto rican papi chulo Benicio del Toro play my major communist fetish is to put it mildly. had to take with me smelling salts and everything :D
posted by liza at 4:40 PM on January 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


German Romantic artist and architect Karl Friedrich Schinkel. My boyfriend was practically jealous of this bust.
posted by SoftRain at 8:11 AM on January 10, 2011


I disagree -- I'd love to see a site of historic dead chicks, with pie charts explaining their accomplishments and interesting facts about them as their reasons for being badass and bangable, as opposed to how nice their tits are. Bring it on.
posted by chowflap at 10:42 AM on 1/9 


I know this thread is basically dead, but for my own sake I have to respond to the above: You know you've made a bad analogy, right, and that this blog actually is the equivalent of a blog about women's tits, because the stereotypical desirable trait in women is physical attractiveness and the stereotypical desirable trait in men is achievement? You may not feel this quite as keenly if you're not a man, but I assure you the pressure is there, and it is intense, and it can be onerous. Furthermore, if this was simply a blog talking up men who had achieved great things, that would be one thing, but many of the "achievements" are specifically evaluated for how potent, virile, sexually experienced they make the guy appear to be, and the ones that aren't directly about the guy's perceived virility explicitly correlate his non-sexual achievements to how sexually desirable he is, which makes it a pretty good match for a breast-rating site that also talks about how good the author thinks the women would be at performing various sexual acts. 

I know it's meant to be a joke, but underneath the joke is an uncritical objectification. 

I don't mean to get up in your shit; in fact I post this more for any men who might not feel totally comfortable with this but can't quite articulate for themselves why not.
posted by skwt at 9:45 PM on January 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Speaking as a man, I'm only made uncomfortable by the fact that this site is clearly advocating necrophilia.

It's just not fair. I mean, come on, there's just no competing with a handsome Joe Six-feet-under, no matter how lazy I try to be.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:30 PM on January 10, 2011


What skwt said.

Also, young Stalin bears a strange resemblance to pro wrestler Jimmy Jacobs.
posted by jtron at 9:01 AM on January 11, 2011


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