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Fargo's dream
January 21, 2011 5:44 PM   Subscribe

A duffel bag full of money was found along I-76 today.

You can stop looking.
posted by Balisong (51 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Well, *that's* where it went. Thanks bro!
posted by NoMich at 5:47 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


a duffel bag full of money?
posted by The Whelk at 5:49 PM on January 21, 2011


AND THEY DIDN'T KEEP IT?

The fools, the fools!
posted by dunkadunc at 5:50 PM on January 21, 2011


Joey Coyle found it.
posted by fixedgear at 5:50 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


I wonder if I'm ever going to be old enough or rich enough to not answer the question "What do you do if you suddenly ended up with obviously ill-gotten riches that you can get away with keeping?" with the answer "Duh, keep it."

Because, seriously, George Bailey doesn't keep the payment stopping North Dakota from turning into Potterville in a duffel bag with a bunch of drug paraphernalia. Sometimes found money deserves to stay found by you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:57 PM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


trying to determine the owner

Don't worry about that. Just prepare. Chigurh is on his way.
posted by naju at 5:57 PM on January 21, 2011 [15 favorites]


But what was not said, was that eight heads were also included. Joe Pesci could not be reached for comment.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 6:02 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


got a heavy burden, gonna lighten my load
leavin' ten thousand dollars by the side of the road
the cards get played, the dice get throwed
i'm leavin' ten thousand dollars by the side of the road

why would you do that? i heard you say,
nevermind, nevermind, just had to be that way
it's easy come and it's easy go,
i'm leavin' ten thousand dollars by the side of the road
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:03 PM on January 21, 2011 [14 favorites]


But what was not said, was that eight heads were also included. Joe Pesci could not be reached for comment

Heh. :)
posted by zarq at 6:05 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Joe Pesci could not be reached for comment.

Actually, we did get ahold of Joe. Here's what he has to say.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:07 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


I drive on that road every goddamn day. Every. God. Damn. Day.
posted by boo_radley at 6:08 PM on January 21, 2011 [21 favorites]


..sex toys are common..

Cash, eh, heard that before. But American highways apparently littered with dildos?
posted by stbalbach at 6:09 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


But seriously, these are good people. It actually makes me very happy to see this kind of honesty.
posted by jabberjaw at 6:09 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


But seriously, these are good people. It actually makes me very happy to see this kind of honesty.

Clearly, you have far less fear of starving than I do.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:12 PM on January 21, 2011 [4 favorites]


Wait, wait:

"CDOT employees across the state come across all kinds of things: used drug paraphernalia, wallets, pornography and sex toys are common"

Sex toys? Is this how people dispose of used vibrators? Um, not that I was wondering or anything. *cough*

(Insert bad pun about autoeroticism here.)
posted by Fuego at 6:15 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


I keep my money in a box.
A box with locks is my Fort Knox.
I do not keep it in a duffel,
a bag of bucks ain't nuttin but truffle.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:17 PM on January 21, 2011 [4 favorites]


Clearly, you have far less fear of starving than I do.

I dunno, it seems like honesty is what you do when you aren't going to get caught. If you only return money if you think there's a decent chance of getting caught if you don't you aren't honest, you're afraid.
posted by Justinian at 6:18 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


sex toys are common

Of course it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. Always use the indefinite article--"a dildo", never "your dildo".
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:19 PM on January 21, 2011 [8 favorites]


I dunno, it seems like honesty is what you do when you aren't going to get caught. If you only return money if you think there's a decent chance of getting caught if you don't you aren't honest, you're afraid.
posted by The Whelk at 6:21 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Meh, Zuck dropped his money clip, you can keep it bro.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:29 PM on January 21, 2011


Sex toys? Is this how people dispose of used vibrators? Um, not that I was wondering or anything. *cough*

Only if it was your ex-housemate's, that you found in a box in the closet.
posted by wayland at 6:32 PM on January 21, 2011 [5 favorites]


I am reminded of the book "Libra". In the book Jack Ruby would stick like 15k in his pockets because "that's the way a club owner walked into the room". If I was a billionaire I would carry a few million at all times even if I had to hire someone to carry it around in a bag, like the president and the nuclear football.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:36 PM on January 21, 2011


All right. This is the best I can do.   Call it....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 6:38 PM on January 21, 2011


Sex toys? Is this how people dispose of used vibrators? Um, not that I was wondering or anything. *cough*

Haven't they invented trash cans near you?
posted by DU at 6:42 PM on January 21, 2011


Now the nihilists will never bring Bunny back.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 6:46 PM on January 21, 2011 [6 favorites]


CDOT employees across the state come across all kinds of things: used drug paraphernalia, wallets, pornography and sex toys are common

Porn? I don't see any wooded areas in the background of that photo...
posted by indubitable at 6:51 PM on January 21, 2011


A grand don't come for free.
posted by iamck at 7:04 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


All in the game, yo, all in the game.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:16 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Uh… That was mine. I… uh… lost it.
posted by klangklangston at 7:17 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


unless you are Looking for Trouble, do the Right Thing!
posted by tustinrick at 7:18 PM on January 21, 2011


In the eternal words of Omar Little...
posted by cthuljew at 7:30 PM on January 21, 2011


A few years ago somebody found $300K on the ground at Midway Airport that was part of a shipment from the mint, and returned it. From the mint! That would barely even be stealing. Honestly, I always felt that money was wasted on the rich but apparently it's also wasted on people who find it lying around in great piles.
posted by enn at 8:28 PM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


Are those the bills with the presidents on them? Cuz those are mine.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:36 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Sex toys? Is this how people dispose of used vibrators? Um, not that I was wondering or anything. *cough*

Haven't they invented trash cans near you?


Just trying to dispose of them responsibly. I wish I had the chutzpah to take them to the local electronics recycling drive.
posted by Fuego at 8:37 PM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


I was once doing a volunteer cleanup on a highway in Southern Albert and one of the youths found a red flash light which, upon closer inspection, turned out to be a dildo. Fun!

There was also a Sports Illustrated Simsuit Edition next to the dildo, make of that what you will.
posted by jnrussell at 8:56 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Because I'm lazy, I've dreamed of finding a pile of cash. God, have I ever. But I would be plagued by these sceanrios:

1) I just picked up soon goons payment for violent services rendered. He saw me pick it up.

2) I just picked up a pack-o-abandoned-bank loot which is either going to spray me with dye or all of the serial numbers are known.

3) I just picked up someone's ransom loot. Not only am I about to be crushed by a swat team, some family's daughter is about to be sent swimming with concrete shoes because the money was never delivered.

4) A Simple Plan. Without me getting to see Bridget Fonda nekkid as any sort of compensation.

So nowadays I dream about unearthing a 187lb gold nugget when I'm tilling the garden. Which I probably don't own the mineral rights to, but metal dealers are the least ethical people on the planet, so there is that.
posted by maxwelton at 9:34 PM on January 21, 2011 [6 favorites]


Duffel bag of money? $10,000 ? Please. More like an envelope, if it was Hundreds. Two envelopes, if it was Fifties.

Speaking of unexpected windfalls, I recall a scene from the counter-culture wars of the Seventies. A blue van, painted in psychedelic, day-glo designs (otherwise known as an "arrest-me paint-job"), headed onto the ivory-tower, isolated college campus from the city. The driver is in his early twenties, and has long dark hair past his shoulders, a thick beard, floppy felt hat, and enough beads, necklaces, and other assorted jewelery to abscond with another new-world. His passenger is about 16, clean-cut and about as Gidget as it gets. Headed in the opposite direction is an RCMP cruiser. The two officer's gazes track left, locking onto the van as they pass each other. The van driver floors it, punching the speed from 30-90 in the straightway, yelling at the passenger and pointing at the window as they start to come abreast of an innocent witness, riding along the bike-path beside them.

Looking back, the RCMP cruiser is pulling a yooey, and lighting up the bar and siren. Down comes the passenger window as they rocket around the corner out of sight of the cruiser, and a garbage bag flys from still-accelerating vehicle and explodes on the bike path in an avalanche of one-ounce baggies of Red-Lebanese hashish. Cop car roars up behind the van, and pulls them over about a 1/2 mile down the road. Innocent cyclist, tooling along, "Oh my! What's this? Better clean up this mess on the bike path".

The look on the driver's face when he pulled onto campus an hour later to be presented with 15/16ths of his jetsam was priceless.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 11:24 PM on January 21, 2011 [9 favorites]


Last time I found a pile of cash it was $3.
posted by cestmoi15 at 12:45 AM on January 22, 2011


I read stories like this, and my immediate thought is "fools! why didn't they take it!" and then I remember the time that I was asked to count a big market's day take - They left me alone to count I don't even remember how many thousands of dollars. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking any, even though I was fairly poor at the time. I had been entrusted with that job, and to mess it up would have made me less of a person. So, I do understand why someone would adhere to their ideas of honesty, despite the fact that it seems like such an easy personal gain.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:47 AM on January 22, 2011


I wish I could find a duffel bag full of money. Why don't I ever find a duffel bag full of money? I hate my life.
posted by Decani at 1:10 AM on January 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


Only $10,000!!! There was at least 50k in that bag!
posted by psycho-alchemy at 3:48 AM on January 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Two guys find a duffel bag with $5million in it. They discuss what to do with the $2million. They call their wives, who think they should probably turn in the $500K, it'd be immoral to keep it. They agree, and after counting the $25K they put it back in the bag and hand it over to the authorities, who are happy to look for the proper owners of the $10K.
posted by empyrean at 4:39 AM on January 22, 2011 [20 favorites]


Hey, man, not everyone can afford a suitcase to stuff with money.
posted by Eideteker at 5:07 AM on January 22, 2011


Of course, one of the friends end up trying to murdering the other's wife out of fear that she, a very moral person, will go to the police. He, in defense, is killed by his friend in a snowy forest in rural NJ after a breathless chase. The first man's wife kills herself out of grief. The surviving couple come to blows over going to the authorities, but their shared guilt over the "hunting trip" prevents this. Eventually, they decide to burn the money rather than benefit from it, both to assuage their guilt over the blood money and out of fear that these may be marked bills planted by the police. They do so at their hunting cabin in the woods, on the hearth where the final struggles between the former best friends happened.
posted by bonehead at 5:07 AM on January 22, 2011


Cash, eh, heard that before. But American highways apparently littered with dildos?

They're all over the place! Haven't you ever driven during rush hour in this town?
posted by at by at 6:43 AM on January 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


The first time I found some money, it was $100 on the floor at a Kiddie City (long dead toy store chain) checkout. I was a naive 13 year old and so immediately made my find known to everyone in line by asking the cashier if she had dropped this huge amount of cash. She hadn't, but the manager was called and they took the money. I gave them my name and number and went home, where it was explained to me that while I did the "right" thing in turning it in, it was likely that someone who had witnessed the event could easily just show up at the store and claim that they had lost the money. My innocence shattered, it was then that I swore lifelong commitment to the philosophy of Finders-Keepers.
posted by orme at 8:42 AM on January 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Re the sex toys by the highway -

In my youth I spent summers working on a family farm. The farm's land ran alongside the M6 motorway in England, an extremely busy highway.

I was responsible for cutting long grass and using various machines to turn and dry it so it could be baled into hay. Cattle will eat anything in the hay and shards of plastic or shredded material can kill them. So the hardest part of the job was scanning the land in front of the tractor to make sure nothing but grass got into the mower.

Anyway, where I'm going with this - every year I would find staggering stuff along the motorway edge. Keep in mind that the motorway run-off/verge is about 30feet wide so this isn't stuff tossed out a window.. its either been hit on the carriageway and flung a good distance or someone has made an effort to get it into the field.

I would find maybe 5 pairs of panties per mile. A few bras. Dildos less common, maybe only 1 or 2 a year. Porn was ubiquitous. Lots and lots of porn thrown from cars. The underwear was generally non-standard fare, crotchless pants and peep-hole bras. Condoms were plentiful. So many condoms.

I can't begin to cook up a good reason as to why "sexy" women's underwear would collect along the motorway year after year. I love the fact that people have these really weird behaviours that seem to be so common they're not actually weird at all... just seem weird to be because I'm not in their behavioural group.

The only thing more common than sex paraphernalia was hubcaps, hardly a surprise. But there were lots of odd car parts over the years, including the entire front-end once (bumper, lights, number-plate etc). That was about 70 feet from the carriageway.

Never found any cash or bags of drugs. And believe me... I looked for it. If I had found some it'd have been payback and no way would the police had been told about it.
posted by samworm at 9:03 AM on January 22, 2011 [5 favorites]


One time I was walking down a street, kind of the center of Flint (where the buses met in those days). Before me, upon the very sidewalk of Second Street, was a bank book and a couple small baggies, rolled up. Without hesitation or breaking my stride, I scooped it all up and stashed it in my pocket.

Once in the secluded safety of my own room (I was a poor student at the time, and lived in an SRO, in the center of Flint), I examined what I'd found. The evidence seemed to indicate that this person had closed his bank account and used the money to buy some weed, then lost the weed, together with the now-useless bank book.

I felt sorry for the dude, really. It was easy at the time to feel the lesson of having lost his dope was more valuable than getting it returned. Today, I'd probably try to take it back. But I'm not a poor student these days. This happened decades ago, when downtown Flint still held the memory of its past glory, however barely.
posted by Goofyy at 9:43 AM on January 22, 2011


Fuego writes "Sex toys? Is this how people dispose of used vibrators? Um, not that I was wondering or anything. *cough*"

I imagine there is some confirmation bias at work. You remember the second dildo you find a lot more than the 10,000th doritos bag and one of those makes for a much better story.
posted by Mitheral at 9:57 AM on January 22, 2011


What the fuck, man? How was the weed???
posted by nevercalm at 1:02 PM on January 22, 2011


My money-finding story: after I graduated from college, I moved to Chicago with a small amount of money and no job lined up. My plan was to find work through a temp agency while trying to wedge my way into a graphic design career, despite having very little design experience, even less confidence, and no computer. The graphic design thing never panned out, but after a month I landed a temp job as a receptionist. Good thing, too, because by that time I had ten, maybe twenty dollars to last until my first paycheck.

One afternoon the week before my new job started, I found myself craving ice cream. I couldn't afford ice cream, but I couldn't distract myself from it - no TV, no internet, my friends were at work, I'd read all my books and didn't know where the library was. I finally decided, fuck it, I am getting ice cream and I will accept the consequences.

When I was about half a block away from the grocery store, I found a good number of bills scattered along a patch of sidewalk. Just the cash, no wallet or anything. No one was around as far as I could see, despite it being a main street. I crouched down on the sidewalk and grabbed every bill I saw - a little over $200 in all.

It didn't even occur to me to go to the police with it, and I figured there was no way I'd find the owner since there was no identifying information. I assumed it was drug money, scattered around like that, and if that was the case I didn't feel bad for the person who lost it. On the other hand, maybe they'd find out I'd found the money, and they'd come for me.

I walked the rest of the way to the store for my ice cream, hurried back home, and hid out in the apartment for the rest of the day, refusing to leave. I remember being excited and relieved at my good fortune, terrified of the hypothetical drug dealer looking for me, and worried if I had done the wrong thing by taking and keeping the money.

I don't remember the ice cream, but I'm sure it was delicious.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:47 PM on January 22, 2011 [7 favorites]


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