Nobody Wants To Have Sex With Your Fiancé Anyway
June 29, 2011 12:03 PM   Subscribe

Everybody calm down: Nobody wants to have sex with your fiancé anyway. Kat, a stripper and co-founder of Tits and Sass, demystifies the bachelor party experience.
posted by hermitosis (243 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
Punchline: Kat is a 43 year old man.
posted by k5.user at 12:05 PM on June 29, 2011 [15 favorites]


Our badges may say “Department of Erections,”

FYI: $4.99, for those of you inclined toward checking out Google Shopping as quickly as I did.
posted by Greg Nog at 12:07 PM on June 29, 2011 [27 favorites]


There was an organization called "PONY: Prostitutes of New York," but it went under. I wonder if "SWAAY: Sex Work Activists, Allies, and You" is the new organization.

The jokes. They write themselves.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:10 PM on June 29, 2011


"PONY: Prostitutes of New York,"

MLP:FiM really gets everywhere these days.
posted by kmz at 12:11 PM on June 29, 2011 [12 favorites]


Reading that, all I could think about is that who would have a party like that is not someone I would like to marry. The whole thing sounds like a frat-bro style objectification of women.
posted by melissam at 12:18 PM on June 29, 2011 [12 favorites]


I haven't been to a bachelor party with live strippers in about 20 years. But it went down almost exactly like described in the article. I guess if it ain't broke don't fix it.
posted by COD at 12:18 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


I remember PONY! Here's where their main spokesperson is now.
posted by Obscure Reference at 12:19 PM on June 29, 2011


The thing is, if this sort of behavior is acceptable for your relationship, then the woman doesn't need to hear this from her. If it's not, then there's nothing she can say to make the woman feel better.

So really, this is just a fluff piece from a woman who is tired of the bitterness directed at her when it should be directed at the man and the relationship rethought if it is a problem.
posted by Malice at 12:20 PM on June 29, 2011 [38 favorites]


cjorgensen: "There was an organization called "PONY: Prostitutes of New York,""

Friendship is Magic.
posted by boo_radley at 12:22 PM on June 29, 2011 [11 favorites]


So really, this is just a fluff...from a woman

Fluffing is usually not included. Jeez, Malice.
posted by clockzero at 12:23 PM on June 29, 2011 [6 favorites]


I'm fairly confident that I have given the author a fair amount of my dollar bills in the past.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 12:23 PM on June 29, 2011


This piece confirms exactly what would bother me if I were about to marry someone who wanted to be the center of an event like this: that he didn't mind an utterly one-sided sexual experience with a partner who couldn't wait to get out of there. Yech.
posted by palliser at 12:24 PM on June 29, 2011 [24 favorites]


Dude seems like the chucky cheese of bachelor parties.
posted by clavdivs at 12:25 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


The weird thing is, that description doesn't actually sound like much fun for the groom. It seems like most of the elements of that show are for the people watching, not the people participating
posted by jacquilynne at 12:25 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


This is why my bachelor party ended up in the ER instead of at a strip club. Maybe the nurses aren't as sexy, but they'll do a better job of stapling your scalp back together.

I'm sorry if my best man bled all over you on a Brooklyn-bound, and then a Manhattan-bound, L-train. So very sorry.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:26 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


Oooh, empowering.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 12:27 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


That sounds so very unsexy -- and everyone is degraded in that situation. I've never been to a bachelor party with strippers before, but if that's really what they're like (as some of the comments above seem to indicate), then count me out when it comes time for my own bachelor party.
posted by asnider at 12:28 PM on June 29, 2011


The weird thing is, that description doesn't actually sound like much fun for the groom. It seems like most of the elements of that show are for the people watching, not the people participating

That's pretty much the entire wedding, from the engagment ring, party, through to the gift opening. It's a big show for everyone except the couple.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:28 PM on June 29, 2011 [52 favorites]


So really, this is just a fluff...from a woman

Fluffing is usually not included. Jeez, Malice.


My bad, my bad. It was implied!
posted by Malice at 12:28 PM on June 29, 2011


They will invariably dwindle around the hour mark, disappearing to do keg stands in the yard or mix Cheetos and bean dip in the kitchen.

Granted, I've only been to 1 bachelor party, but it didn't fucking include keg stands, Cheetos and bean dip.

Rye whiskey, canoes and a firing range, however? Check.
posted by nathancaswell at 12:30 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


I honestly think that most of the time the object is a sort of infantile "Let's all go through this kind of awkward experience together!" The woman is unfortunately incidental to the process - it's one of those weird wedding throwbacks to the days when this might have been the first time a guy ever sees a vagina.

and everyone is degraded in that situation

Yeah, basically. That's why I honestly don't mind if my male partner wants to go to those things - he's a pretty smart dude and I trust him to know his own boundaries. I'm pretty surprised when I hear that someone actually wants to have strippers at their bachelor party nowadays.
posted by muddgirl at 12:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


To be honest I'm not sure bachelor parties have a place in modern-day relationships. I'd guess that when they were invented, the bride and groom didn't know each other very well and the man was still essentially 'single' until the day of the wedding. Just promised.

Now, by the time the party comes around the groom is in no way single and definitely not a bachelor. My husband thought the same way and didn't have one, but at the same time his brother in law had one with stripper and all. It just seems odd and out of place for an attached man. Or woman for that matter. But, to each his/her own, and I don't make the rules for all relationships.
posted by Malice at 12:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


That sounds so very unsexy -- and everyone is degraded in that situation

I attended a "male revue" for a friend's birthday, and degrading is the best way to describe it. Hey girl, it's your birthday! Come up on stage so some no-neck orange dude can shake his fringed junk in your face. If you're REALLY lucky, he'll simulate some sexual act on you. All your friends can watch and cheer!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:32 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


I figured the traditional stag party was kind of a sad pathetic event and this description doesn't seem to change that opinion. It seemed unlikely that the average Hollywood depiction of a bachelor party was in any way accurate. Of course the average bachelor party in a Hollywood movie seems to involve dead prostitutes, money owed to the mob, tattoos and/or broken teath, etc so it's probably good the reality is so pedestrian.

The traditional message seems to be "Here is your last glimpse of freedom" but it seems to be a utterly disposable, one sided interaction completely devoid of any sort of meaningful intimacy.
posted by vuron at 12:33 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am just getting to the age where a lot of friends are starting to get married, so I have a lot bachelor parties on my near-future, but have only been to one so far. It was held in the woods, and involved lots of beer, a caber toss, marsh wrestling, rolling boulders off cliffs, other feats of strength, a pow-wow, and broken bones. I hope the rest are more like that and less like what is described. I really, really hope so.
posted by the thing about it at 12:33 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


Also, if we're going to boil things down to "dude things", given the choice between paying $100 to look at some stripper's cooter and firing off $100 worth of live ammo, I'm going with the guns 7 days a week and twice on Sundays.
posted by nathancaswell at 12:34 PM on June 29, 2011 [15 favorites]


Man, I hope the groom-to-be has an idea of what's going to happen and agrees with it because that sounds supremely uncomfortable. I'd hate to be ambushed with something like this.

There's probably a lot of "Well, they went to all this trouble so I probably should just let it happen." Not to mention the pressure to not reject this "gift" must be enormous for several reasons.

Ick.
posted by ODiV at 12:35 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


The freedom in question is the freedom from intimacy, meaning, and all that other bullshit. You have to deal with that for the rest of your marriage, it is your last chance to be a fucking dumbass.
posted by idiopath at 12:35 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


Yeah, I always got the impression that bachelor parties (and bachelorette parties) are just one long run of stupid boob and penis jokes foisted on the bachelor/ette. Nothing actually sexy, just "let's see how badly we can embarrass this guy."
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:36 PM on June 29, 2011 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: an utterly disposable, one-sided interaction completely devoid of any sort of meaningful intimacy.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:37 PM on June 29, 2011 [37 favorites]


The one bachelor party I've been to involved no stripper, lots of five-card stud, and every other person there drinking more alcohol than I've ever had in my life. Apparently that was atypical, except the booze.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 12:39 PM on June 29, 2011


I was called upon to organize a bachelor party a couple years ago, and my organizational skills were only up to saying, "let's go somewhere, drink some beer, and play pool." We did, and had a fine but not amazing time. Strippers would not have improved the experience. The worst part about it for me was the weird amount of pressure, even from people who would never consider themselves "bros" and who would not normally be remotely interested in stuff they were telling me to do. It's just expected, and, honestly, even talking about it now, I still feel a little guilty that I didn't provide the stereotypical extravaganza, even though it would have been a horrific experience for everyone involved.
posted by Copronymus at 12:39 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I forgot to add: Meanwhile, the associated bachelorette party started with inflatable penises and just continued from there.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 12:40 PM on June 29, 2011


I've only ever been to one strip joint -- a bar on the Dock Road that was filled with a mixture of suited businessmen and dockers. I went to college with a guy who'd been a welder on the docks, so we'd sometimes stop in at lunch time on our way home from school.

The strippers really only invited audience participation from the suited businessmen, generally suggesting that they might want to apply some baby lotion or talculm powder to their bodies. However, the pay-off was that anybody who did it would end up with the stripper pressing her oiled or talc'ed body against him -- thereby forcing him to explain to his wife or his colleagues in the office how come he was drenched in talc or baby oil.

The sole exception was one time when a bunch of guys dropped their friend -- an adult victim of Thalidomide -- between one woman's legs, right in the middle of her act. Without missing a beat, she incorporated the guy into her routine and gave him a moment he'll remember for a very long time.

I don't know if there's a meme about strippers with hearts of gold, but that woman definitely got my vote.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:41 PM on June 29, 2011 [13 favorites]



Anyway, my favorite bachelor party story - and I should probably make a sockpuppet account for this....

So, my sister was getting hitched, and she and her fiance came to town and the night before the wedding the best man and my dad and uncles thought we'd out to a strip club and have some fun. I went along.

So we were at the club, a well known, long standing fixture of the community, having fun, being raunchy and getting drunk when out comes the next girl to much fanfare from the DJ.

And it was the mother of my child.

We had broken up a year so before. Although she had worked as a dancer when we were dating, since we split up she insisted that she was working nights at a restaurant whenever it came up. I didn't know she was dancing again, and I certainly didn't know it was there. Its not that I cared, but I just didn't know.

Anyway, she didn't see me - and didn't recognize my family, although she had met them a few times. My dad's best friend went up to the stage with a 20, and after she had done a little dance for him, shouted something during a pause in the music. I didn't hear it, but....

The silence was deafening. I think my heart stopped.

We got kicked out and they all went to another place, but I just went home.

That was the last bachelor party I went to that involved strippers. I used to sort of enjoy them in weird debauched sort of way. Now it just reminds me of that night of fail.

Anyway, it was a weird wedding. And they are divorced now - my sister cheated on her husband at my wedding reception a couple years ago.

Can't make this shit up.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:41 PM on June 29, 2011 [27 favorites]


Man, I hope the groom-to-be has an idea of what's going to happen and agrees with it because that sounds supremely uncomfortable. I'd hate to be ambushed with something like this.

No kidding. I'm pretty sure that most of my friends wouldn't attempt to pull this shit on me, but I have one friend who I am 100% sure would try to convince the best man (it would not be him) that this kind of party is totally the way to go.
posted by asnider at 12:41 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


That's pretty much the entire wedding, from the engagment ring, party, through to the gift opening. It's a big show for everyone except the couple.

Nah, my wedding was great. I used it as an excuse to trick a bunch of relatives and acquaintances into listening to minimalist opera, and then we drank a lot.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


Of course the average bachelor party in a Hollywood movie seems to involve dead prostitutes, money owed to the mob, tattoos and/or broken teath, etc so it's probably good the reality is so pedestrian.

You forgot about the cigarette-smoking drug-dealing monkeys! I don't think anyone would mind if the reality was less pedestrian in that part at least.
posted by bitteschoen at 12:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


My bachelor party was a couple months ago, so it's still relatively "fresh" in my mind. It went something like this:

5PM - meet in my garden. Bunch of dudes show up, we shotgun a beer to "get in the mood". Get into a car service, go to Queens.
6PM - arrive at beer garden in queens. Drink beer.
7PM - go to Brazilian Beef-o-Meat-a-palooza restaurant. Drink more beer. Eat meat.
9PM - Go to bar on LES. Drink more beer.
11PM - go to karaoke. While drinking beer, do death-metal covers of such hip-hop classics as "Push It" by Salt-n-Peppa. Totally kill death metal version of said. Totally. Kill.
2AM - find brother in bathroom passed out whilst pooping. He "was really tired, dude".
2AM + - Find taxi. Not real easy to do these days on the LES, with all the new people. Weird.
3AM - to local bar. Drink more beer.
3:30 AM - home.

As an aside, my wife's bachelorette involved: Drinking until 5 am, a broken foot, and lots of penis accoutrement.

When we were planning my bachelor party (and this has been tru-ish for all the other bachelor type parties I've been to lately) it was more along the lines of "let's just hang out and drink beer with the dudes" and not "CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SOME TITS". No one has really said anything about strippers. This article is "huh" to me.
posted by jivadravya at 12:43 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


nathancaswell: Rye whiskey, canoes and a firing range, however? Check.

Was that when Ron Swanson married Tammy, or when he married Tammy?
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:43 PM on June 29, 2011 [35 favorites]


This takes me back to my 30s when I was still halfway presentable. I was quite often the only single woman in various social or coworker groupings where everyone else was married, and I'd notice the women who were straight-enspousenated to the sorts of guys who would probably dig events like this tended to look at me (and any other single women) with narrowed eyes, as if we were, like, trawling in shameless lust for their oh-so-desirable husbands.

So yeah, from time to time I wished for a tshirt reading, "ATTENTION: NOBODY WANTS TO STEAL YOUR HUBBY; YOU'LL HAVE TO KEEP HIM."
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:43 PM on June 29, 2011 [21 favorites]


Last summer, one of my friends was getting married and another friend and I were put in charge of the bachelor party. He had no interest in having strippers there, and we had no interest in bringing them there either. Enter Chris, friend of the groom, barely suffered by those of us planning this thing.

Chris: We're getting strippers, right?
Us: No. Nobody wants them.
Chris: But you have to!
Us: No.
Chris: How is it a bachelor party without-
Us: Let's just stop you there. This isn't about you. Just drop it.

And then, at the party, he of course called a stripper to show up anyway, because he's an asshole, and then the next hour basically went down like described in the article. Then we went back to Poker.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:44 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


Reading that, all I could think about is that who would have a party like that is not someone I would like to marry. The whole thing sounds like a frat-bro style objectification of women.

From my experience, that has generally been most brides reaction against strippers at the bachelor party.

I like strip clubs OK (though I haven't been in one in ... 15 years or so), but private strippers are just the most awkward experience ever. I've only seen 2, but they were both more annoying than Kat, if you can believe it. If you are having a bachelor party, do not hire a private stripper. Save your money and slap each other's asses.

The thing is, if this sort of behavior is acceptable for your relationship, then the woman doesn't need to hear this from her. If it's not, then there's nothing she can say to make the woman feel better.

Yeah, reading it, I was thinking, "This may be the most glaringly obvious article I've read this week."

Man, I hope the groom-to-be has an idea of what's going to happen and agrees with it because that sounds supremely uncomfortable. I'd hate to be ambushed with something like this.

It's almost never the groom's idea, and, while there are always special cases (I know several men who would demand a stripper at their bachelor party ... if they could ever get married, right?) but no, the groom usually likes it least of all.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:44 PM on June 29, 2011


That sounds so very unsexy -- and everyone is degraded in that situation.

It's the kind of scenario that seems like a good idea to the kinds of people that frequent Hooters or something. Having recently been tricked/coerced into eating at a Hooters, 'pervasively degrading' would be the best description of the entire atmosphere, staff-customer interaction, and food itself. Yeauugghhhh.
posted by FatherDagon at 12:44 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't know if there's a meme about strippers with hearts of gold, but that woman definitely got my vote.

I think the meme is heels of gold.
posted by ODiV at 12:44 PM on June 29, 2011


Huh, so I was just coming in to try and make Copronymous feel bad about the bachelor party he organized for me, but I see that's already done, nice.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:45 PM on June 29, 2011


For the record, this is why I planned my own bachelor party, and why it turned out more-or-less like the one jivadravya described. Except, you know, with more bleeding, and more watching nearly all of Terminator 2 in Penn Station at 2am.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:47 PM on June 29, 2011


From the comments, it looks like this article was kind of in response to a Maire Claire piece that was linked on hairpin.

I'm either way too naive or way too jaded about magazines like Marie Claire, but half the quotes in that article just sound made up to promote The Hangover tie-in.
posted by gladly at 12:48 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Aw, that was kind of mean spirited, actually. I meant to make a light joke about cliché stripper-wear, but it sounds like I'm saying they can't be nice people or something.
posted by ODiV at 12:48 PM on June 29, 2011


This is to say nothing of men’s websites that debate the pros and cons of fucking the party stripper as if it’s a viable option.

Has anyone read this debate? Link? I'd really like to see this if it actually exists.
posted by stinkycheese at 12:52 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


ThePinkSuperhero: " Come up on stage so some no-neck orange dude can shake his fringed junk in your face. "

"Orange?"

"Fringed?"

On second thought, I don't want to know.
posted by zarq at 12:53 PM on June 29, 2011


To derail this, FatherDagon, what exactly seemed degrading at Hooters? I've spent a lot of time at Hooters because my wife loves the wings, and I've always been struck by how non-degrading it was. The staff was like the staff at any other restaurant only a little friendlier and wearing a costume. I've never noticed anyone treating them badly and through friendliness seemed much more to be of the "we only hire very social people" type than anything like the fake sexual interest strippers have to perform.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:54 PM on June 29, 2011


It's the kind of scenario that seems like a good idea to the kinds of people that frequent Hooters or something. Having recently been tricked/coerced into eating at a Hooters, 'pervasively degrading' would be the best description of the entire atmosphere, staff-customer interaction, and food itself. Yeauugghhhh.

Coincidentally, while we were trying to decide on a place to grab a bite to eat during the middle of a recent bachelor party, we passed by a Hooters. Someone jokingly suggested it, since it was a bachelor party and Hooters seemed to fit the cliche, but we all agreed that it was too degrading.
posted by asnider at 12:57 PM on June 29, 2011


My bachelor party was my brother and I drinking high priced beer at Toranado in North Park. He took mid-tour leave from Afghanistan to attend my wedding. We then went back to my apartment and watch Top Gear.

My wife, sister, and grandmother went to a country western bar with a bunch of my wife's friends and got hammered. My sister got into a fistfight with a dude who started shit with one of my wife's friends.

Not too unlike a typical weekend, honestly. Aside from the Afghanistan part...
posted by The Power Nap at 12:58 PM on June 29, 2011


Is this the thread where we tell bachelor party stories? So at my bachelor party, my brother took us to a steak place in Manhattan where we ate big meat and drank lots of beer and shots of Jim Beam. Then we went to an OTB for more drinking and betting on the "nags" as he put it. So we are there when this 60+ looking woman who has had a few drinks on her own starts talking to the group. She ascertains that it is my bachelor party. She mumbles something and starts to walk away. She got about 4 steps away when she turned and said, "Ah what the heck? Once for old time's sake." She then proceeded to shimy a little and lift her shirt to expose some...well...60+ year old breasts that had many miles on them. She walked away. We did too.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:59 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


I was in Vegas for a wedding a few years ago, and my SO and I were sitting at a bar talking to a couple of guys who were there for some other wedding. They were talking about the bachelor party the night before and how the strippers "...would do ANYTHING!"
My girlfriend says "Like what, exactly?"
"You know, whatever." the guy says, "ANYTHING!"
"You mean stuff your girlfriend won't do?"
"Yeah!"
"I hate to tell you this," she says "But you need a new girlfriend."
posted by Floydd at 12:59 PM on June 29, 2011 [70 favorites]


When I worked in Aerospace, back in the mid 80's, our large circle of work friends was guys in their early to late twenties. It was about a 50/50 mix of guys who were married and guys who weren't. After a spate of bachelor parties the young married guys quickly realized that bachelor parties were the only parties they got to attend without their wives and they really enjoyed them a hell of a lot more, it seemed, then us single guys. They loved those parties so much that if somebody wasn't getting married in the next few months they started arranging fake bachelor parties. They were real in that there was a designated bachelor (always a single guy, btw), but only the "entertainment" was left in the dark that there was no wedding to follow. They were some very entertaining parties and the "bachelors" tended to be a tad less reserved than real bachelors at similar functions.

Good times, good times.
posted by Rafaelloello at 1:01 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


Heterogoddamnsexuals…
posted by wreckingball at 1:02 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


After a spate of bachelor parties the young married guys quickly realized that bachelor parties were the only parties they got to attend without their wives and they really enjoyed them a hell of a lot more, it seemed, then us single guys.

So much about that sentence makes me really, really, sad.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:03 PM on June 29, 2011 [20 favorites]


This makes me happy that I am nowhere near butch enough to get invited to bachelor parties.
posted by madcaptenor at 1:04 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


the fake sexual interest strippers have to perform.

Sexual interest? Strippers ask you if you want a dance, they act nice, they may have a conversation, they may be flirty, but I wouldn't say they fake sexual interest (at least not as a rule). As somebody that's been to my fair share of strip clubs, I think you're confusing they're being nice, and the fact that it's a "sexual situation".

If I'm in a room full of naked people having sex, I wouldn't assume the woman who begins talking to me is *necessarily* sexual interested in me. Do you see what I mean? Or maybe this is just a plate of beans.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:06 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


The whole thing sounds like a frat-bro style objectification of women.

Hell, sounds like objectification of men, all of whom seem too drunk to be anything else.
posted by valkyryn at 1:07 PM on June 29, 2011


One of my best friends sent her then-fiance off to his bachelor party with two sole requests to his friends -- "no jail time, and no visible scars." Apparently all that happened was that everyone drank a lot at the bar, and then were on their way home, when her fiance then ran back into the bar and flashed everyone, then passed out. And that was that.

My brother did not share with me what he did at his bachelor party. But I do know what happened at my sister-in-law's bachelorette party - they just all went to a club in LA, where my sister-in-law had Jason Mewes try to hit on her. My brother thought this was hysterically funny and would periodically tease her by cackling "Snoochie boochies!" at her at random moments.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:08 PM on June 29, 2011 [6 favorites]


Of course, sex with the stripper isn't an issue strictly relegated to bachelor parties nowadays... (NSFW!)

Not all strippers -- male or female -- are unwilling to take extra money for extra services.

"Reading that, all I could think about is that who would have a party like that is not someone I would like to marry. The whole thing sounds like a frat-bro style objectification of women."

And yet, when women objectify men -- or simply enjoy being sexy and in control -- that's empowering, I presume.

I don't like frat-boy types, but the thing is, a very large percentage of guys out there are frat-boy types... and a very large percentage of girls are frat-girl types. I don't think it's fair to either the bride or groom to assume that how a bachelor(ette) party is thrown for them by others reflects directly on them, as much as on what is traditional nowadays, and on the general expectations of such an event. (i.e. A modern-day, booze and sex driven rite-of-passage.)

The truth is that stripping is usually a mutually exploitive relationship... kind of like marriage, in that respect.
posted by markkraft at 1:08 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


The weird thing is, that description doesn't actually sound like much fun for the groom. It seems like most of the elements of that show are for the people watching, not the people participating

Pogo_Fuzzybutt: That's pretty much the entire wedding, from the engagment ring, party, through to the gift opening. It's a big show for everyone except the couple.

I'm still pretty happy with the series of events leading up to, and including, my wedding. After going to a really awkward bachelor party in Reno, I opted for a co-ed bachelor(ette) party. We skipped the pole dancing and went line dancing. Our best man wore vintage Batman converse (which where now 15-20 years old). Our wedding cake was an active volcano (like this, but with more lava spewing forth), paired with a graveyard (which was approved by our parents, after the brain cake was offered and rejected). And our first couples dance was to Monster Mash.

Weddings can be a lot of fun for everyone.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:10 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


I was more referring to what the article describes, it seems like part of the show that the strippers perform at q bachelor party is faking some kind of sexual interest in the bachelor. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but that's how it read to me. I've also, for the record, never been involved in anything involving a strippers, so I could well be wrong.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:11 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


This piece confirms exactly what would bother me if I were about to marry someone who wanted to be the center of an event like this: that he didn't mind an utterly one-sided sexual experience with a partner who couldn't wait to get out of there. Yech.

Partner? What are you talking about?
posted by fire&wings at 1:13 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


HA! Stripping is nothing like marriage. There is more farting in marriage, and less body-hair removal. And the drinks are much cheaper.
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:14 PM on June 29, 2011 [20 favorites]


This would make a nice companion piece written by a stand-up comedian about bachelorette parties. Because if there's one thing I've learned from listening to Mark Maron and other stand-up podcasts, it's that comedians hate bachelorette parties.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:14 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


I've been to a few bachelor parties, but two stick out in my mind. Both involve college buddies.

In the first, we had rented this house up in the woods. The groom was a good buddy of mine, with a reputation for being something of a hard drinker. Another guy, whose reputation was even more insane, made this godawful concoction of Jack Daniels, vodka, and Everclear, and served it to the groom about mid-way through the evening. That was about the point where we busted out the Sharpies. At some other point another guy, who ran a power washing business, set up his equipment and we, uh, "washed" the groom.

The second was a bit tamer, but we did wind up dropping off the groom on one end of a fairly long walking bridge over the Tennessee river in sneakers and a thong. And that was before we had had all that much to drink.

So yeah, bachelor parties really don't need strippers for the sorts of shenanigans described in the article. Seems like an over-priced, awkward, and unnecessary addition to the proceedings.
posted by valkyryn at 1:15 PM on June 29, 2011


Thank god we eloped.
posted by maxwelton at 1:16 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


When do they get to the part with the video games?

The only bachelor party I've thrown included the bride. So not much happened. Though my gf at the time did end up in bed with the maid of honor (but they swear nothing happened... a boy can dream).
posted by Eideteker at 1:17 PM on June 29, 2011


I don't think I could marry anyone who had a bachelor party like jivadravya's. Going to Brazilian Beef-O-Meat without inviting me?
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:18 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


I've been best man twice - the first time I outsourced my bachelor party duties because he wanted a more traditional experience with alcohol and a strip club. No hard feelings, though, since he knew that was nowhere near my scene.

The second one I threw was a Reds game, hot dogs and fishing. Beauty.

My bachelor party is coming up next month. I'm hoping for a marathon D&D session.
With Strippers. Or pornstars.
posted by charred husk at 1:19 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


My bachelor party started at the bowling alley (where I had to take a drink any time someone else bowled a strike), moved to my friend's house (where I did shots of homemade Amaretto while wearing his diving gear), and ended when I threw a McDonald's cheeseburger at a tree and insisted my best man call a cab to take me the last two blocks home.

Honestly, I'd have been less embarrassed by strippers.
posted by Zozo at 1:20 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


if there's one thing I've learned from listening to Mark Maron and other stand-up podcasts, it's that comedians hate bachelorette parties.

I've never heard of any intersection between these two worlds! Offhand, can you recall any podcast episodes that talk about this?
posted by Greg Nog at 1:20 PM on June 29, 2011


They may not have sex with you but they were willing to to straddle and remove tightly rolled twenties with their "lips" from between the teeth of anyone wishing to do so.
This bachelor party also featured three six foot long sandwiches.
posted by pianomover at 1:24 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh, and I think the idea of having Jason Mewes at a bachelorette party is basically damn cool, though it would be even better with a donkey show or a strip-tease rendition of "Goodbye Horses" too.
posted by markkraft at 1:25 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


He's mentioned it more than once Greg Nog, I've heard other comedians mention it too. Kind of hard to pin point the episode, he mostly talks to other comedians and they talk a lot about doing stand up.
posted by doctor_negative at 1:27 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


"Orange?" "Fringed?" On second thought, I don't want to know.

You DON'T, trust me. The images are burned in my mind, particularly at the end of her special onstage time, when my very drunk friend decided she wasn't done and danced up on the stripper. The stripper was like, hey, sure, why not. Keeps dancing around, then sits my (very petite) friend down in a chair, picks up her, chair and all, and spins the whole thing upside down over his head like a helicopter. I can't quite figure out now how he did it- or why? But the memory will haunt me until my grave.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:27 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


To derail this, FatherDagon, what exactly seemed degrading at Hooters?

It's named Hooters.

If it was called Nutsacks, or Schlongs, or Manbutts, that would also be degrading.
posted by emjaybee at 1:28 PM on June 29, 2011 [12 favorites]


Narrative Priorities: "So much about that sentence makes me really, really, sad."

I noted the 'then' as well. :(
posted by boo_radley at 1:29 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Come up on stage so some no-neck orange dude can shake his fringed junk in your face.

I'm imagining Henry Rollins with a spray tan. The idea seems plausible, if horrifying.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:29 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


In fairness, I want to have sex with your fiance.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:30 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


One thing you may not realize, if you are about to get married for the first time, is that you need to stick up for yourself at your own bachelor party. I've seen guys up in situations very much like what's described here, looking very uncomfortable, while the best man and a couple co-conspirators laughed their asses off and everyone else just kind of did their best job of leering and not seeming too uncomfortable.

I just went to a bar, for mine. Maybe because several of my friends had wanted to go to a strip club and felt they deserved a show, they kept plying me with shots. I'm surprised I didn't end up in the ER... maybe I should have. There's every other time I've been drunk in my life, and then there's that night.

I survived and don't seem to have lost too much higher brain function, so no direct harm done there. But now, 6 years later, people still talk about it, and when they bring it up it still bugs the hell out of me. Ha-ha, remember your bachelor party? Ha-ha, you were so amazingly drunk! Yeah, and you guys were a bunch of giant tools.
posted by gurple at 1:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


As a big fan of Naked Chicks, I must say that I have never understood the allure of strip clubs, strippers, or the archetypal Bachelor Party experience*.

That is all.


* — excepting Rick Gassko's in '84. That was a champagne jam, yo.
Would that they were always like that.

posted by Senor Cardgage at 1:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: an utterly disposable, one-sided interaction completely devoid of any sort of meaningful intimacy.
posted by seanmpuckett


No.
posted by infini at 1:32 PM on June 29, 2011


What's the opposite of a boner? I think I have one right now.
posted by migusto at 1:32 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


Come up on stage so some no-neck orange dude can shake his fringed junk in your face.
...
I'm imagining Henry Rollins with a spray tan.


And an anemone emerging from around the base of his penis.
posted by Greg Nog at 1:32 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


Offhand, can you recall any podcast episodes that talk about this?

I'm pretty sure it came up with Brian Posehn on the WTF podcast, and I think the recent Doug Benson episode of the Joe Rogan podcast talked about it as well.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:32 PM on June 29, 2011


What's the opposite of a boner?

Penis panic.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:34 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


To be honest I'm not sure bachelor parties have a place in modern-day relationships. I'd guess that when they were invented, the bride and groom didn't know each other very well and the man was still essentially 'single' until the day of the wedding. Just promised.

Yeah, this is kind of true. I mean, the whole "last night as a single, free man" thing doesn't make sense anymore. If the bachelor party isn't immediately before the wedding then the groom is probably heading to the party from the apartment he already shares with the bride.
posted by atrazine at 1:34 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


Good to know I'm the last guy on earth who likes naked girls and getting insanely drunk, at least judging by some of the highbrow champagne sippers who scoff at lower-class entertainment above me. More for me!
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:34 PM on June 29, 2011 [11 favorites]


All I can say is that I'm glad I have a wife who would have real problems with me having sex with strippers...

...but who allows me to go to BDSM clubs / do evil things with/to women half my age. I even get to come home afterwards!
posted by markkraft at 1:35 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


...the young married guys quickly realized that bachelor parties were the only parties they got to attend without their wives...

I'm also perplexed by this.
When it comes to get-togethers among my friends, any given outing is usually organized by one person-- whether it's camping, a party, whatever-- and it tends to just be declared "sausage-only" about half the time.

It's pretty arbitrary. What's to stop anyone from doing this?

When we have actually had bachelor parties for a groom-to-be, they've consisted of a weekend-long camping trip, guitars, fires, and enough bourbon to bring on a week-long hangover.

The "bachelor party," as we've been made to expect it to happen when it's in capital letters with the words "National Lampoon's" before it, is a strange and childish thing, IMO. (*shrug) YMMV, I guess?
posted by herbplarfegan at 1:36 PM on June 29, 2011


This is basically confirmation of my worst fears of what a bachelor party would be like. It's like those 1960s slice-of-life dramas with Jack Lemmon slipping in a pool of his own drunken vomit and crying out for Lee Remick to rescue him.

But then I'm gay, so what do I know.
posted by blucevalo at 1:39 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


Also, I don't really get strip clubs. Wouldn't it be way more fun to go to a brothel instead?

I've known some guys who did that for their bachelor parties, lots in the Middle East and a few in England.
posted by atrazine at 1:39 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


I wonder with gay marriage becoming more and more prominent if the Gay Bachelor Party will become a thing.

Perhaps it already is.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 1:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


The name Hooters is a little insulting to women, fair enough, but, among people who've never been there, there seems to be this idea that Hooters is like a strip club, when it's really just a restaurant.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


I know exactly what you mean, atrazine. Similarly, I don't understand paintball. It's nowhere near as thrilling as actually hunting the world's most dangerous game.
posted by ODiV at 1:43 PM on June 29, 2011 [23 favorites]


This sort of thing makes me alternatively sad, frustrated or angry. It reignites my worst fears that we as human beings (western ones, at least) stray so far from genuine personal relationships, that our instincts are to treat each other as objects, and that those instincts create a culture and a world where so many people will either always feel alone or be made to feel alone for money.

A party to celebrate your wedding with your friends, especially one that allows you to share common memories with each other and respects your future as much as your past, is a wonderful thing. A party whose foundational principle is that marriage is a prison from which you should celebrate your last bit of freedom is fucking depressing.

I wish I had something more substantive to say. I just don't know.
posted by Apropos of Something at 1:44 PM on June 29, 2011 [26 favorites]


This is to say nothing of men’s websites that debate the pros and cons of fucking the party stripper as if it’s a viable option.

This, along with the remark that working with another girl is safer, is the article's only allusion to the dark underside of bachelor parties, which is that they can be venues for rape.

And that in turn begins to uncover the even darker roots of bachelor parties, in my opinion, which are that the stripper is a kind of substitute victim, just as the ram with its horns caught in the thicket was a substitute victim for Isaac-- but in the case of the bachelor party, the stripper is a substitute victim for the bride.
posted by jamjam at 1:45 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


As a big fan of Naked Chicks, I must say that I have never understood the allure of strip clubs, strippers ...

But do you like to watch Naked Chicks dance?

...

markkraft wins.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:46 PM on June 29, 2011


The name Hooters is a little insulting to women, fair enough, but, among people who've never been there, there seems to be this idea that Hooters is like a strip club, when it's really just a restaurant.

I can't mix sex or sexuality with food. It's just strange to me. So it would kind of gross me out to see breasts and ass 'hanging out' over my chicken wings. It'd also do the same to me if it were a man. And I should clarify, by hanging out I mean in view, obviously to be oogled.

I like clean, covered bodies serving my food.

Anyway, that was off topic.

Also I heard Hooters serves terrible wings? Is that true?
posted by Malice at 1:47 PM on June 29, 2011


This sort of thing makes me alternatively sad, frustrated or angry. It reignites my worst fears that we as human beings (western ones, at least) stray so far from genuine personal relationships, that our instincts are to treat each other as objects, and that those instincts create a culture and a world where so many people will either always feel alone or be made to feel alone for money.

Actually, if it's any comfort, I've noticed most people commenting in here have overwhelmingly taken the "strippers at a bachelor party? that's stupid!" mindset. That looks to me like the mindset you are lamenting is fortunately on its way out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:47 PM on June 29, 2011


I think any woman is absolutely justified in being annoyed if her man attends one of these revolting events, and this writer is being a smug dimwit if she can't understand that it isn't because the woman fears her man might fuck the stripper. It's more likely because the woman realises she's about to marry a crass, sexist oaf who thinks getting married means one last chance to indulge his Neanderthal, sexist attitude to women.
posted by Decani at 1:52 PM on June 29, 2011 [13 favorites]


Had my bachelor party last Fall at the best dive bar in Detroit. 20-some dudes, poker tourney, pizza and shots/beers all night. Strippers would have been utterly pointless. Luckily my best man was chosen with good reason -- in part, as precisely the sort of dude who would never organize a stripper-fest. I just wanted to hang out with my (male) friends, get drunk, play cards and laugh and laugh.

And we did.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:53 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I want my bachelor party at Disneyland or at Coachella or the moon or possibly aboard a hovercraft with lasers on it.

No strippers tho. Unless Im friends with some and they want to come party. Itll be coed and someone THAT ISNT ME is going to pay for and provide everyone with a rad Nerf gun.

And were gonna get wasted on Chimay.

I think I now have my incentive to marry.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 1:54 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


I think the only rite of passage that brings out more disgusting behavior than the bachelor party is the baby shower.
posted by gurple at 1:54 PM on June 29, 2011 [19 favorites]


Also I heard Hooters serves terrible wings? Is that true?

Very true. And their beer selection is usually limited to Bud and it's ilk.

However, in my younger years, me and my wife, and another couple went to the local Hooters for Trivia night. First place was a $50 tab. We won 4 or 5 weeks in a row, always coming back the next week to play again while we ate and drank for free. Our streak ended when they fixed the competition. Every question (not exaggerating) was about NASCAR, the Bassmasters tour, and Professional Wrestling. We came in dead last week, and decided to move our trivia habit to another bar.
posted by COD at 1:55 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


And when I say dive bar, I mean dive bar.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:55 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I can't speak to the wings, my wife loves them, but I don't eat wings. The rest of the food is fine in a slightly better than TGI Friday kind of way.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:59 PM on June 29, 2011


It's more likely because the woman realises she's about to marry a crass, sexist oaf who thinks getting married means one last chance to indulge his Neanderthal, sexist attitude to women.

But she can't blame the stripper for that, can she? I mean, the stripper isn't the one marrying the guy.

I guess I'm one of those third-wave feminists who is OK with sex work in the theoretical sense. I have gotten a lap dance from a stripper and I enjoyed it. That doesn't mean all lap dances are "good" or that bachelor parties with strippers aren't objectionable

This, along with the remark that working with another girl is safer, is the article's only allusion to the dark underside of bachelor parties, which is that they can be venues for rape.

Well sure, in the way that any sex work can lead to rape. Or really in the way that any woman can get raped. But in my experience, strippers are perhaps more cognizant of this fact that non-strippers, and do a lot more than regular women to protect themselves. When my partner attended a bachelor party with a stripper, she had a bouncer (although that's a privilege that some strippers can't afford).

And that in turn begins to uncover the even darker roots of bachelor parties, in my opinion, which are that the stripper is a kind of substitute victim, just as the ram with its horns caught in the thicket was a substitute victim for Isaac-- but in the case of the bachelor party, the stripper is a substitute victim for the bride.

I think the kind of strip show described in the article (which is the kind I'm personally most familiar with) is actually the reverse of this - the bachelor is the victim being symbolically devoured by an iconic Woman. Again, this isn't true of all bachelor parties, and predatory men will set-up situations (like bachelor parties) and victims (like strippers) where their rape is overlooked and even condoned.
posted by muddgirl at 2:02 PM on June 29, 2011 [13 favorites]


decani: It's more likely because the woman realises she's about to marry a crass, sexist oaf who thinks getting married means one last chance to indulge his Neanderthal, sexist attitude to women."

As opposed to the egalitarian ideal of declaring your exclusive ownership of a human being. Stripping, like marriage, is an economic exchange. They both have their depressing aspects, and they both have their nice aspects. If undertaken by people with full consent without coercion they can be mutually beneficial.
posted by idiopath at 2:04 PM on June 29, 2011 [9 favorites]


It really depends on how big of an asshole the guy organizing the party is. The guy who organized my husband's bachelor party hired hookers. My husband politely declined, so the party host partook of their services himself.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:09 PM on June 29, 2011


COD: I haven't been to a bachelor party with live strippers in about 20 years.

So, about that 20 years' worth of strippers...
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 2:10 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


FYI: $4.99, for those of you inclined toward checking out Google Shopping as quickly as I did.

Did anyone else see that and think "OMG penis water faucet?"

Google it!
posted by mintcake! at 2:10 PM on June 29, 2011


I think the problem here is that Kat is working and reporting on 1 and 2 girl parties.

The best bachelor party I ever attended happened at the home of a minor country music star in Nashville, who was getting married after being a Class A road dog for years. He made it known to all close to him that he expected the full treatment, one last time.

So, his manager made sure to engage a couple of strippers. As did his publicist. As did his stylist. As did his head roadie. As did his label's A&R rep. I think there were something like 20 independently contracted dancers that showed up, over a 4 hour period. I think half a dozen of Nashville's better strip clubs had a call-in flu plague of their usual talent, that evening, and regardless, there were plenty of noses being treated for sniffles and gallons of booze, not to mention some covers of Patsy Cline and Hank Williams classics too blue to cue, by folks who could really sing. Towards the end of all that, the hookers that nobody had a clue about showed up, en masse, to the point their drivers commandeered the kitchen for a poker game. This was before the days of cell phones, but some people were making calls from the house all night, and I remember that I saw a lot fresh face young things about Vanderbilt age come in at about 3 a.m., but I was in no condition to interview 'em.

When I left, the breakfast caterers were setting up a bacon barbeque and a pine tar potato boil out on the back lawn, as the sun was coming up, and I went for a swim in the pool, along with 20 other good timers, partly to wake up for the drive home, and partly to cut the smell of cigars, smoke, onions and garlic, sweat and perfume enough to get in my house when I got home.

On reflection, I suppose it's possible that not everyone there that evening had a great time. But epic is still epic, when all your rowdy friends' friends show up to get paid.
posted by paulsc at 2:10 PM on June 29, 2011 [29 favorites]


I wish I could remember less of my bachelor party than I do. It's a "tradition" that can't die soon enough.
posted by tommasz at 2:10 PM on June 29, 2011


I want to hear stories about wildly awesome bachelor/ette parties. I feel like I rarely do.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:16 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


In the slim chance I ever have a "bachelor" party, any potential spouse of mine is probably going to want to be there, and I would want them there. And it'll be awesome.
posted by loquacious at 2:19 PM on June 29, 2011


there seems to be this idea that Hooters is like a strip club, when it's really just a restaurant.

their beer selection is usually limited to Bud and it's ilk.

slightly better than TGI Friday

Hmm. Sounds like, even by strip club standards, it's not a very good restaurant.
posted by box at 2:22 PM on June 29, 2011


ended when I threw a McDonald's cheeseburger at a tree

I have tears in my eyes laughing... were you mad at the hamburger or the tree?
posted by librarianamy at 2:27 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


My "bachelor/ette" party was pretty awesome. In that it was a party before our wedding that our friends came to. It ended with an over-crowded hot tub and a new drinking game we invented called "Bag of Wine." That's where you remove the cardboard box from a box of wine.
posted by muddgirl at 2:29 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


I went to a "bachelorette party" years ago that had a male stripper. We sat around in a circle and he danced and waggled his junk around. I kind of felt bad for him at the end. He was standing there naked in the middle of the room and we gave him a round of applause then we turned to each other and started gabbing while he picked his clothes up off the floor and headed out of the room, still stark naked.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 2:29 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


metafilter: save your money and slap each other's asses.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


As opposed to the egalitarian ideal of declaring your exclusive ownership of a human being. Stripping, like marriage, is an economic exchange. They both have their depressing aspects, and they both have their nice aspects. If undertaken by people with full consent without coercion they can be mutually beneficial.

I think you can take the "coercion" out of the equation by not marrying someone who doesn't share your values. It's a pretty good red flag IMHO.

I do wish people wouldn't insult Neanderthals. They probably had better taste than to have a party like that.
posted by melissam at 2:32 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


comedians hate bachelorette parties

I feel like I've heard Maron talk about this on half a dozen separate podcasts too, and can't remember any of them — but I found this at least:
Another staple of doing any comedy club is the annoying and unwanted bachelorette party. How do you deal with them?
I don't like them. I don't understand why they go to comedy clubs, so I go out of my way to be fairly abusive and discourage them from marrying whoever they're going to marry. I find it unnerving when you're doing a show and have developed material that you want to share with people who are either like-minded or attentive and instead you have to baby sit a bunch of needy women who are there just to have their friend be made a [fool] of to drain focus from the audience. I just think it's rude and they should go somewhere else.
What do you usually say to them?
I'm just abusive. I ask, "Are you sure that you want the same cock for the rest of your life?" I try to find out who they're marrying, what she does, what he does, de-construct it, and then make her feel bad for even coming to a comedy club and, hopefully, feel bad about the person they're marrying. And then, of course, you try to get them to want you after you abuse them for fifteen minutes, but maybe that's just my approach.
posted by RogerB at 2:33 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


I was in a friend's wedding party a few years back. He's a sweet guy, and I've known him forever and he's a quiet nerdy guy. I made a point of bringing stripper to the rehearsal dinner. Which is to say, two containers of paint stripper.
posted by rmd1023 at 2:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


Nothing actually sexy, just "let's see how badly we can embarrass this guy."

I haven't read all the articles, but I do think this is the point and has been historically. I mean, in olden days wouldn't the men of your tribe tease the groom relentlessly and vulgarly, and then shout out ribald and generally wrong advice through the door on the wedding night? It seems like I've read that description about many a culture. (Any historical anthropologists care to weigh in here?)
posted by small_ruminant at 2:42 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


haven't read all the COMMENTS, I meant to type.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:44 PM on June 29, 2011


So it would kind of gross me out to see breasts and ass 'hanging out' over my chicken wings. It'd also do the same to me if it were a man. And I should clarify, by hanging out I mean in view, obviously to be oogled.

Uh. But. They wear tank tops and shorts, not thongs and pasties.
posted by elizardbits at 2:50 PM on June 29, 2011


"I haven't been to a bachelor party with live strippers in about 20 years."

Live strippers? Oh my... oh my god.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 2:51 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


The few comments in the thread about "heterosexuals" and gay folks being unfamiliar with strippers is sort of funny to me. The only stripper I've personally witnessed was a male "policeman" stripper that one gay friend called for another gay friend's birthday party that I attended.
posted by Fleebnork at 2:59 PM on June 29, 2011


What? Nobody has ever been to a party with un-live strippers?

Yeah, that choice of adjective leaves a lot to be desired.
posted by COD at 2:59 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I have been to both gay and straight bachelorette parties. (No bachelor parties yet.)

Both have more or less consisted of going out for drinks with friends, and the bride-to-be getting wasted. They've basically functioned as a way to get people to meet and feel involved close to the ceremony. The bridal showers did the same, but were more oriented toward the family, whereas the bachelorette parties functioned as a low-overhead, informal way for the younger folks (including the younger less-connected folks, like coworkers or girlfriends-of-friends or relatives) to hang out, and get very drunk.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:09 PM on June 29, 2011


Bachelor/ette parties seem just awful. Both Mr. Stardust & I skipped them.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 3:11 PM on June 29, 2011


What? Nobody has ever been to a party with un-live strippers?

I'm pretty sure some of the showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show that I've been to count.
posted by loquacious at 3:12 PM on June 29, 2011


This is why my bachelor party will be a nice, quiet orgy with friends.
posted by The Whelk at 3:12 PM on June 29, 2011 [22 favorites]


My bachelor party consisted of a trip to a strip club. With my wife-to-be. Who then bought everyone lap dances. It was hawt. That is all.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:16 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


If I had a bachelor party, it would feature vodka, zakuski, and Tommy Wiseau in The Room.
posted by everichon at 3:16 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


That's basically what we did, The Whelk. Both my to-be-spouse and I had one party together, all the people there were close friends, everything kinky was done as a group. It was nice.
posted by kyrademon at 3:17 PM on June 29, 2011


Yeah, I didn't have a proper bachelor party before I married my first wife, but I did go and visit an ex-boyfriend in DC, and we got raging drunk and talked about The Meaning Of Life or some damn shit. It helped that one of his roommates was a bartender, and rather crafty about refilling glasses while you weren't watching. I think it may actually have been the drunkest I've been in my life.

So it was as if I'd been drinking 151 from a stripper's ass crack all evening, only without actually having to drink 151 from a stripper's ass crack. Highly recommended — at least if you happen to be friends with my ex-boyfriend, who is a renowned expert on The Meaning Of Life or whatever damn thing we were talking about all evening.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:20 PM on June 29, 2011


My girlfriend has been charged with planning a friend's bachelorette party, and said friend has pretty much flat-out stated that there must be naked manflesh involved. The groom-to-be is as red-blooded as they come, but I get the feeling that he'd be just as happy playing Xbox with his buddies all night. And it may just be my circle of friends, but I've noticed that that's the general trend* in bachelor/ette parties: the groom's party hangs out and plays games (poker, pool, Xbox) while the bride's party goes for a night of booze and strippers.


*the notable exception being the bachelor's party we watched a VHS tape of GG Allen's concert footage.
posted by lekvar at 3:21 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Why do people still put an "-ette" ending on the word bachelor?

I mean, I was at the doctorette's office the other day, discussing this with the physician's assistantette, and she goes, "So what did you think of that speech from Secretaryette of State Clinton?" and I was all, "I think I liked her better as a Senatorette. But hey, what do I know?; I'm just another schmoe-ette off the street."
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:24 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


Uh. But. They wear tank tops and shorts, not thongs and pasties.

I'm aware, I had a friend who worked at one. I still wouldn't want to be served food by someone wearing that. I'd be afraid a pubic hair would wriggle its way out of her booty shorts and into my plate.

In all reality, I still consider that pretty scantily clad for a waiter/waitress.
posted by Malice at 3:24 PM on June 29, 2011


pine tar potato boil

I had no idea!
posted by rtha at 3:24 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


They loved those parties so much that if somebody wasn't getting married in the next few months they started arranging fake bachelor parties.

My god, what a business opportunity. Instead of a Tony and Tina's Wedding interactive theater franchise, one could start a Tony's Bachelor Party interactive theater franchise for those without a real bachelor party to go to.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 3:26 PM on June 29, 2011


My bachelor party consisted of a trip to a strip club. With my wife-to-be. Who then bought everyone lap dances. It was hawt. That is all.

Hm. I've been to those. I suppose it depends on the female. Most of them are pretty awkward and uncomfortable. They're all excited about the strip club until they see the reality.

I know female friends who are comfortable at male-focused strip clubs, but they are never the ones who end up at the bachelor parties. You just got lucky. ;)
posted by mrgrimm at 3:27 PM on June 29, 2011


I'd be afraid a pubic hair would wriggle its way out of her booty shorts and into my plate.

The Hooters thing is funny. The only times I've ever been have all been at the insistence of females ... who like their wings! Bizarre.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:28 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you're afraid that a pubic hair is going to get out from their underwear, shorts, and hose(which they all wear) that really speaks to some kind of professional intervention level hairophobia.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


At one of the three parties I've been to with strippers, the girl absolutely took the guy into a bedroom and closed the door. They were in there for about 30 minutes. She was really not much to look at and he was very drunk.

I was 16 at the time and I thought a bunch of guys standing around in a circle looking at this naked girl was very surreal and not a turn-on at all.
posted by Huck500 at 3:32 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Malice: " I'm aware, I had a friend who worked at one. I still wouldn't want to be served food by someone wearing that. I'd be afraid a pubic hair would wriggle its way out of her booty shorts and into my plate. "

I'm guessing they don't make hair nets for that.
posted by zarq at 3:33 PM on June 29, 2011


My bachelor party consisted of watching Gettysburg with my fiancée's sister. It was extremely inexpensive!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:35 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


Never got the whole whole stripper "thing" in general.

It's far less satisfying to buy something than it is to earn it.
posted by Dark Messiah at 3:39 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


pine tar potato boil

I had no idea!


Oh - My - God.
I'd forgotten all about those. My folks had a bucket of pine rosin for cooking potatoes when I was little, what, maybe 50 years ago? I can still smell it.
I must find a source for bulk pine rosin.
posted by Floydd at 3:40 PM on June 29, 2011


My bachelor party consisted of watching Gettysburg with my fiancée's sister. It was extremely inexpensive!

If this is a euphemism, I can't parse it.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:52 PM on June 29, 2011 [16 favorites]


I, for one, want to have sex with your fiance.
posted by nathancaswell at 3:57 PM on June 29, 2011


I know I'm probably alone on this, but I actually think strip clubs are one of the least erotic experiences a man can possibly have. And not for any like high-minded feminist reason or anything. There's just nothing sexy about it. Nothing about strip clubs makes me think of a positive sexual experience. It's all about chicks who want my money and aren't going to sleep with me. And giving me sexy looks and rubbing up against me because they're being paid to. What a waste of fucking money.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:59 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


What a waste of fucking money.
Indeed.
posted by vivelame at 4:02 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


I was up all night the night before my wedding working on finishing my dress. My husband went out for a couple of drinks with his best man and her boyfriend. We'd been living together for a couple of years by then. After the wedding, mind, we got REALLY drunk, and were very glad that we had had the sense to previously engage said Best Man to drive us home. No parties, and we actually discouraged gifts at the wedding. Because that would have been weird.

Last weekend I attended my brother-in-law's wedding, which ended up featuring a combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Which ended up at a strip club. Which was apparently the bride's favourite bar. The stripper thing was oddly irrelevant. Though I was already pretty drunk by the time we got there. Anyway, they seemed to have fun. Not, as they say, my Scene.
posted by Because at 4:02 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I don't love the term bachelorette. I tend to go with whatever term the person in question decides to use. It's their party, and they'll -ette if they want to?

I've also found that the bachelor and bachelorette parties in my friend group have been more gender-divided than I would've expected, even when the wedding parties aren't.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 4:08 PM on June 29, 2011


I don't doubt that this woman knows what she's talking about with respect to her particular agency, but I think she has an overly high degree of confidence in how applicable her particular agency is to the industry in general. For example, when she says things like this:
Having myself been to more bachelor parties than any dozen men will attend in a lifetime, I can’t help but snort whenever I read something from a distressed bride-to-be, much less someone who's already married, fearing what will become of her relationship if her man attends the bachelor party against her wishes. (This is to say nothing of men’s websites that debate the pros and cons of fucking the party stripper as if it’s a viable option.)
I'm sure she's been to far more bachelor parties than any eleven of my friends and I have, but I have been to several where this has most definitely been a viable option. I have not been to one wherein the groom himself partook in this option (to my knowledge), but I have been to several where other people in attendance have.

She comes off as so dismissively and mockingly know-it-all, but she doesn't know it all.
posted by Flunkie at 4:08 PM on June 29, 2011 [6 favorites]


I still wouldn't want to be served food by someone wearing that. I'd be afraid a pubic hair would wriggle its way out of her booty shorts and into my plate.

This mental image just made be bellow with laughter like a drunk viking, fyi.

(Also, I very truly and earnestly hope you never see what kind of sketchy shit goes on in the average big city restaurant kitchen.)
posted by elizardbits at 4:10 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


The only times I've ever been have all been at the insistence of females ... who like their wings!

Their Bingo Wings?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:14 PM on June 29, 2011


I still wouldn't want to be served food by someone wearing that. I'd be afraid a pubic hair would wriggle its way out of her booty shorts and into my plate.

At the risk of stereotyping, I'm going to guess that the average Hooters waitress fits the demographic where this would not be an issue.
posted by The Gooch at 4:28 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


Jamjam:This, along with the remark that working with another girl is safer, is the article's only allusion to the dark underside of bachelor parties, which is that they can be venues for rape.

Having been to a few, there's always some burly guy along for security. One of my classmates had a houseparty where a pair of strippers were hired. The guy driving them made sure everyone saw his shoulder-holstered pistols before putting on his jacket and gave all attendees the speech that no funny business would be tolerated.
posted by dr_dank at 4:35 PM on June 29, 2011


(Also, I very truly and earnestly hope you never see what kind of sketchy shit goes on in the average big city restaurant kitchen.)

Soylent Green is made of people pubes!
posted by joe lisboa at 4:43 PM on June 29, 2011


We had a combined bachelor/bachelorette party at Lucky Chang's.

I was the stripper.
posted by ook at 4:43 PM on June 29, 2011


Having been to a few, there's always some burly guy along for security.

Having been to a couple, there's not always some burly guy along for security. Although the one I'm thinking of was in a big hotel in Vegas, so they may have felt that there were security measures available if they were needed.
posted by gurple at 4:47 PM on June 29, 2011


My bachelor party consisted of bowling followed by an asthma attack.
posted by drezdn at 4:57 PM on June 29, 2011 [10 favorites]


After my senior year of high school, my friend Chris's sister, Anne, got married. We'd already been working that night at Top of the Park, a parking structure where they serve beer and show movies, and so had a decent underage buzz on, and another pal came with as our ostensible DD. This was the first bachelor party I'd ever been to, technically also the first bachelorette party as Ann and Matt combined their shindig in the interest of penury.

Also in the interest of penury, they held it in their apartment, a one bedroom townhouse like you see along the highway, powder blue with beige trim. Being from the shit end of San Antonio hill country, their guest list already included multiple bartenders and strippers, one of whom slurred at Chris, "If you weren't Ann's brother, I'd fuck your brains out," right about the time we walked in the door.

We three naifs hung out on the balcony, drinking a shooter called Come Fuck Me out of Snapple bottles. We'd been given "Come Fuck Mes" mostly because they were a blend of peach schnapps, Southern Comfort, orange juice and grenadine, and so didn't taste like booze at all. Which was fine as long as we stayed seated, but when we started standing up or, God forbid, trying to navigate the child gates that separated every room of the house, we looked like sailors on shore leave, wobbling down the docks.

Chris had a plan to stay up the whole night, because his father was coming to pick him up at six in the morning so he could go register for classes at art school. So we were alternating Dr. Pepper and Come Fuck Mes, trying to get as drunk as possible without passing out, while all the other attendees were slowly slipping off into the only bedroom.

But we needed coffee and didn't have it, so we were going to walk to the grocery store, and needed to grab our coats from the bedroom.

Now, it's a good moment to emphasize that the common mental picture of an orgy involves attractive people in camera-friendly poses. Even with the addition of the strippers, the general quality of the guests at the party was "fleshy," and more like what you'd see in the People of Walmart blog than Abercrombie and Fitch. This was a writhing mass of white skin on sweaty sleeping bags, but being young guys we just stood drunk and agog until told to close the fucking door.

We left our coats there.

That's the only bachelor party that I've been to that had sex at it, real sex. Or nudity. For my friend Andy's, we rented a suite in a hotel out by the highway — one of the ones with a kitchenette — and when the guys at the desk found out it was for a bachelor party, they gave us free porn on the pay-per-view, but none of us really watched it. It was on in the background of the poker game, but mostly the night was an anti-climax. My brother's bachelor party was even less of an event — we went to a couple of bars, and kept wanting to have a real activity, but all my brother wanted was to get utterly shitfaced, so we obliged him. It was unique because everyone at that party desperately wanted him to wise up and not marry his fiancée and would have sprung for prostitutes or a kidnapping to put the kibosh on it, but that wasn't in the cards.

Finally, the only bachelor party that I know of that was a slam-bang Vegas extravaganza with fucking strippers and coke and cigars was the one for the lesbian wedding I officiated, but I couldn't go (couldn't afford it). I kinda wish I had been there to see it, because the bride I'm friends with is hilarious in her pursuit of frat-boy excess despite being a tiny Indian woman. But I don't know if I could have put up with an extended "ironic" weekend that ended up running hundreds of dollars.
posted by klangklangston at 4:57 PM on June 29, 2011 [13 favorites]


Jesus, Joe Lisboa, that does look like a dive!

(Also, it's over where Outer gets all fucked up and I always used to get lost.)
posted by klangklangston at 5:03 PM on June 29, 2011


These guys seriously need to pick better strippers.

The best man has brilliantly Googled some combination of “bachelor party” and “stripper” that has led him to my agency by virtue of SEO advertising.

Oh, wait, I think I see the problem.
posted by madajb at 5:06 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


Klang, if you are ever back in the mitten I would be thrilled to give you a tour of Toms (i.e., buy the first three rounds). A true institution. The floor slopes dramatically towards the bathrooms in back so they cut the legs on the barstools to prevent (er, minimize) tipping. Speaking of minimizing tipping, my former roommate tends bar there now. It is a bona fide experience.
posted by joe lisboa at 5:06 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Come up on stage so some no-neck orange dude can shake his fringed junk in your face.

That's what you get when you party on Sesame Street after dark.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:07 PM on June 29, 2011 [24 favorites]


The first time I ever went into a strip club (at the age of 19) the second girl who got up on stage was someone I'd gone to public school with. For me, the whole strip club experience never recovered from that.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:12 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


My bachelor party consisted of me, pips, Zack Replica & elizard in Vegas getting liquored up on bacon martinis and watching a punk cover band that did a nice cversion of "here Comes a Regular."

And I've been to strip clubs so many times it's not ven funny. We went looking for a strip club that night, but the one place that looked like it might be one was a drag bar once we looked more closely at the poster.
posted by jonmc at 5:21 PM on June 29, 2011


The thing that creeped me out about the bachelor party scenario in the FPP was when they drew crude pictures and wrote jokey things on the prospective guy's skin with a Sharpie. That just seems really obnoxious and mean-spirited. Especially since some guys still insist on having the Bachelor Party really close to the wedding ceremony and honeymoon: Woohoo, honey, let's have sexy sex on our wedding night--hey, nice arm penis! Love the eyelashes over your nipples, too. Oh, look, your back says, "Bitch!" That totally makes me hot. Tomorrow, when we're on the beach, sunning ourselves at that tropical resort we spent half our wedding budget on? Yeah, you might not want to take your shirt off.

So I am going to be the outlier here: my husband went to a series of strip clubs for his Bachelor's party. His friends rented a limo and they filled it full of booze because they don't serve alcohol at the all-nude clubs in Tampa. They went hopping from one place to the next, drinking and having fun and hanging out together.

The whole strip-club Bachelor's party was, I think, more popular back then (22nd anniversary last week), but if it had bothered me, he totally wouldn't have gone, out of respect for me. I was totally fine with it, though. I know and like all his friends, basically great geeky guys who would never act like obnoxious louts, I trust my husband-to-be completely, and I think nude women are sexy, too, so I can hardly blame him for that.

The only request I had was that the Bachelor's Party not be the night before the ceremony, because I didn't want anyone to be all hungover and miserable at the wedding.
posted by misha at 5:21 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


I was in Portland (the left coast one) a while back, and the meetup was at the Green Dragon. There was a sort of pre-meetup at the distillery around the corner, and mixed in with the mefites was a group of maybe six or eight very enthusiastic women in their 20s. Turns out it was a bachelorette party, and a very Portland one: when they were done doing the tasting at the distillery, they climbed into a pedicab and were pedaled away.
posted by rtha at 5:24 PM on June 29, 2011


Also, Drugs to the left, Hookers to the Right!

(it ain't a party till a donkey dies, right?)
posted by jonmc at 5:30 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


Bachelor parties in our area usually involves multi strippers shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas. Lovely.

One of my boyfriends many moons ago confided in me after we were dating a while that his brother paid a stripper to give him a blow job (his first experience). Again, lovely.

God I hate the SW Side of Chicago.
posted by stormpooper at 5:33 PM on June 29, 2011


I have been told the best bachelor party story by another Mefite.

But I will only tell it in person and in exchange for mid-level bourbon.
posted by The Whelk at 5:35 PM on June 29, 2011


(it ain't a party till a donkey dies, right?)

No way, you never get your deposit back if the farm animals die.
posted by madajb at 5:37 PM on June 29, 2011


...the young married guys quickly realized that bachelor parties were the only parties they got to attend without their wives...

I've got a few friends who have been married for the past few years. All the ones who have kids are always looking for a way to get out of the hard grind of work, fighting with the missus, having to take the kids to activities, trips to Hobby Lobby, mowing the lawn, etc. If that was all my life was, I'd want to get away from it as well.

posted by reenum at 5:40 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


I was inadvertently a witness at a bachelorette party featuring a male stripper. I was so embarrassed for the poor schlemiel flapping his day-glo be-spray-tanned tackle at us that I spent most of the time while he was in the room staring at my beer very intently. Unfortunately, the stripper took that as me being shy and incorporated me into his act. It's pretty hard to focus on the Shiner Bock label when that kind of thing is happening four inches from your nose, but I managed to pull it off.

The true height of tacky, though, was when the maid of honor had the nerve to tell me I owed fifty bucks as 'my share' of the charge for the stripper. When I pointed out that I'd not be asked in the beginning if I'd be okay with that, the maid of honor told me that if I was really the friend of the bride, I'd not fuss about it.

She did not get her money from me even so.
posted by winna at 5:45 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


A party whose foundational principle is that marriage is a prison from which you should celebrate your last bit of freedom is fucking depressing.

I've seen a few marriages where the couple was fun and cool when they were single, depressing and lifeless after the marriage.
posted by reenum at 5:46 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


I can’t help but snort whenever I read something from a distressed bride-to-be, much less someone who's already married, fearing what will become of her relationship if her man attends the bachelor party against her wishes.

I think the key here is "against her wishes". If someone doesn't trust their husband around strange naked women, then who am I to declare her fears unfounded?

My partner would probably not sleep with a stripper, but he wouldn't buy a giant metal cock for a joke, either. There's more than one kind of marriage.
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:49 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


So, I haven't been to strip clubs often. The first time was when I was 23 or 24 and working on a TV shoot in Jeffersonville, NY. Monday was our day off, so one Sunday night a small group of us - about equally divided on gender lines, IIRC - went out to the gentleman's club in the middle of nowhere roughly halfway between Jeffersonville and Monticelo. It turns out that fans of this scene would not consider these conditions to have been ideal.

The one stripper on hand was hanging out with the (also female) bartender when we showed up and it was clear that not only were we the only ones to come in all night, but that they weren't expecting even that much patronage. The stripper got up onstage in her laundry-day sweats and did, indeed strip down to a thong, but it was just weird. When I was in college, my friends and I went for some drinks at Coyote Ugly in the middle of the day, and were the only patrons there at the time. I put "Devil Went Down to Georgia" on the jukebox, not realizing that apparently the bartenders are contractually obligated to dance on the bar to that song, even if it makes no sense in context. The strip club on Route 52 inspired similar feelings of guilt.

So I didn't go to any more strip clubs for years afterwards. Then last year, the other big bachelor party experience was a weekend in New Orleans. The Groom had all of his groomsmen there (of which I was the only one from our law school class) as well as his best female friend and a couple other law school friends of ours. The non-law-school friends were mostly Georgia good ol' boy types. The Groom insisted that we were hitting strip clubs, as well as other places around the French Quarter (he and I both knew New Orleans way beyond the Quarter, but we were looking for trashy that weekend.) So I went back in.

Dear sweet Jesus, did I go back in.

Day/night one proved one thing very clearly, which was that in my natural, don't-give-a-shit state, I apparently have a giant neon sign above my head that reads "MARK." The ladies would come out, do their dances, and then immediately afterwards come over and latch onto me. Now, at the beginning of the day this was all fine. We were (relatively) sober still, and for the most part we were just conversing with attractive women in skimpy attire in a decadent environment, which is really what the appeal is supposed to be about, I think. The first dancer to find me was quite cool, really, and (according to her story) used to play with Brian Jonestown Massacre. We mostly talked about music, and exchanged phone numbers beforethe group left so that she could meet up with us after she got off her shift (spoiler: she did not call.)

All in all, the day started off about as well as it could have, and took a nosedive as it went into night. Later on we ended up at a much seedier joint, where once again I was picked out of the group (this had become a running joke of the day by this point.) We talked, I learned that she was a musician (facts I learned about strippers that day: most are musicians, apparently, and there's an odd circuit-riding aspect to the industry that I don't quite understand. Everyone was only in town for a few weeks, having come from stripping in Nashville or Miami or wherever, and headed off someplace else. My conclusion is that a great deal of strippers, at least the ones at clubs, are using it as a short term way to subsidize touring with their musical act.)

Anyway, because I was a naif and we seemed to be hitting it off, I went ahead and got the lap dance (my lap dance history is both extensive and confined to that one, highly regrettable, day of my life.) In the dance she ended up kissing me, which I at east understood y that point was not part of the standard arrangements. Others in the group also got lap dances from her, and confirmed that she did not do this with them. So as we left, I had a crush on this young lady. Which is a really, really bad idea.

New Orleans has a way of letting you get drunker than you've ever been while remaining at nearly full functionality, just without any sense of proper judgment. Towards the end of the night, I went back to the seedy place. All but one of my compatriots refused to join me. There was a hell of a lot of drinking with this girl, paying way too much for shots, at one point using an ATM with a fucking $15 surcharge, lap-dances which turned (consensually) into dry-humping sessions, and then, before we left, me dropping another $20 to buy her CD.

I awoke the next morning with the groom and the two other law school friends. The friend who had come with me had, of course, told them the whole deal, so there was a lot of "call your mom and tell her you're in love with a stripper, yo." Strangely, I was not hungover. What I was was much, much poorer, and as embarrassed as I've been in my life. I decided that for the second day of this weekend, I would be shaven and properly presentable, and while I was shaving, the others found the CD and put it on. The music was godawful and trite, and the title was, appropriately, "This Is Everything That I Own."

There were strip clubs in our future that day too (though far fewer, we were hitting the aquarium and casino, mostly) and I can tell you that shaven and dressed up, none of the strippers looked at me twice. I don't know exactly what to deduce from that. But I also know that I've only ever been to a strip club once since then, when my brother (who was going through a divorce) picked me up at the airport in Dallas this past thanksgiving. He insisted. We spent most of the time outside smoking with a couple of dancers and bouncers, talking about holiday preparations and recipes.

I have no real interest in going to one again. Women, when purely objectified, aren't sexy to me. And they can be dangerous places when you make a personal connection with the women there.

I like Bachelor parties, though, as a concept. Unless you're a dick you're not mourning the guy's "loss of freedom" but celebrating his upcoming nuptials with (generally) just the guys. Usually, from what I've seen, as wedding preparations are coming down to the wire, the stress can come to bear on the relationship. Having a party without the bride (or without the groom) which is still kinda sorta about the wedding can let a lot of steam be blown off. And it's fun for the others involved.

But I'd rather strippers not be involved.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:00 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


So... no giant joke cocks without strippers?
posted by bonehead at 6:02 PM on June 29, 2011


Of course not, 15 years are giant metal chickens.
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


All of you people with tales of stripper-free bachelor parties... it sounds to me like you're describing a Stag and Doe party instead. Which is an excellent idea, and one that Canadian culture has been refining for several generations now. Of course, in the wrong hands they can become just as crass as baby showers.
posted by ceribus peribus at 6:10 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


A party whose foundational principle is that marriage is a prison from which you should celebrate your last bit of freedom is fucking depressing.

I know a lot of women who are sort of ok with their fiance going to a strip club, but who are very much not ok with him doing that after they get married. Yes, that makes zero sense to me, too, but that's how they think about it. One set of rules before marriage, another set after. If that's the way a couple is approaching marriage, then the bachelor party strippers make a lot of sense.
posted by Forktine at 6:18 PM on June 29, 2011


Also I heard Hooters serves terrible wings? Is that true?

Um, they're breaded, which is kind of unusual, and ain't to everybody's liking (including mine...blech - thickly breaded "Buffalo style" seasoned wings. Blechitty-blech-blech-blech.) On the other hand, their burgers are merely mediocre and their fries are just bad.

I was in New Orleans a few years ago and there was a line around the block to get in to the Hooters near the French Quarter and I thought "Is there really nowhere better in New Orleans than Hooters to get chicken and/or see scantily clad girls????
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:29 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sometimes a good bachelor party involves a couple of limos full of visual effects luminaries in northern California, driving out to a swanky dinner spot that's now gone (burned down), and stopping alongside Sir Francis Drake out in West Marin, cracking the glow rods, stuffing them into the orifices of the blowup doll that kinda looked like Beavis from B&B with sad plastic tits, hooking up the four huge mylar helium balloons (yeah, helium tank in the trunk) to the the doll's extremities, and sending the whole thing up into the overcast, foggy night, a psychotic, internally-lit UFO. I turned to the assembled guests, who were standing there like a bunch of happy teenagers - I can't tell you how many Oscars were in the homes of that group, it was more than a few - and wouldn't you know it, no one had a fucking camera to capture the moment. The best part? One of those guys - an original FX guy from the first Star Wars movies - had a blank look on his face when I pulled out the glowsticks. Dude seriously didn't know what they were, I shit you not. He worked on the lightsabers. You can't make my life up.

Now, MY bachelor party lasted 24 hours, and the whole thing was so deeply bizarre that it involved my dear friend Chuck Farnham (a name that some of you from the Bay area in the mid-nineties might recognize) bringing along a nicely formatted list of the top 10 things overheard during my bachelor event. My former FIL got ahold of the list (fucking Farnham) and came up to be right before the ceremony, paper in hand. I was mortified, but he wanted to know why I neglected to invite him to the goings-on. He's a good man, best father in law a guy could ever hope to have.

It was a truly great wedding, and remains the happiest day of my life. We're divorced, but still best friends. Some things can indeed end well.
posted by dbiedny at 6:36 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


Forktine: "I know a lot of women who are sort of ok with their fiance going to a strip club, but who are very much not ok with him doing that after they get married. Yes, that makes zero sense to me, too, but that's how they think about it."

I should clarify that I'm not anti-stripping per se. Ironically, I think couple that's on the same page about seeing strippers before and after the wedding is pretty close to couple that's on the same page about never seeing strippers - the former is not objectifying strippers by appreciating them as sex workers playing a role in the couple's sex life, the latter is not objectifying strippers by keeping their sex lives more or less to themselves. It's the middle range - where you're hiring someone to indulge the groom's presumed carnal urge to be sexual with women other than his wife-to-be - where things start to feel a little sketchy in my mind. When, as in the article, that performance revolves around both embarrassing said groom without his prior consent and imitating sex acts the participating parties aren't at all interested in, then things start to feel really really sketchy.
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:51 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


in Vegas getting liquored up on bacon martinis...We went looking for a strip club that night...

You couldn't make your way from the Double Down to Club Paradise? It's like 2 blocks away! (though a bit pricey)
posted by ShutterBun at 6:52 PM on June 29, 2011


While I have no moral objections in particular with the stereotypical bachelor party, any of my friends who know me would realize that such an event wouldn't be even close to a "fun" night for me and so I've accordingly mentally assigned certain people to plan the theoretical festivities.

Central to this hypothetical bachelor party is an old college roommate of mine who, after being told of my unusual fear of reflective surfaces (due to a series of recurring nightmares as a child), hid for hours in a closet facing a hallway mirror, waiting for me to get back from work so as to emerge out of it wearing a ghillie suit at the precise moment I could see it happening behind me.

Said friend also, completely unprompted, once started blasting Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring on our stereo and then burst into my room, demanding that we "fight with knives" (he chose to be sporting, in that he tossed me a butter knife covered in grape jelly while himself fielding a spoon covered in peanut butter. Apparently he had been in the midst of constructing a sandwich when this idea occurred to him).

I fully expect, should he be given bachelor party responsibilities, that I will wake up a few days before the theoretical wedding, in the middle of some Wisconsin forest, with nothing but a briefcase containing a chunk of salt lick, 500 feet of paracord, and a topographical map of the outlying areas of Ulaanbaatar to help me find my way back to civilization (note that I live in California). Party-goers would presumably be hiding in the trees, perhaps documenting the events with cameras, perhaps pelting me with paintballs. Who knows.

Though the details of the event might be different from what I have just described, I have full confidence that, whatever it turns out to be, the "party" will result in a story wherein I can present myself as the sane epicenter of a highly unhinged, chaotic circle of friends, which is my Favorite Thing; basically what I want out of this whole affair.

Point being, choose your Best Man wisely so you get exactly what you want.
posted by Tikirific at 6:59 PM on June 29, 2011 [17 favorites]


My groomsmen and I went to a movie. I think it was a Star Wars rerelease or something. Can't remember.

I have, however, been to quite a few friends' bachelor parties that either included private strippers, or took place in high end clubs. This alway sets up a weird dynamic for me. On the one hand, beautiful women dancing nude is pleasing to my eye and my lizard brain. On a purely theoretical level. On the other hand, I am a very private person and a world class over-analyzer, so I can't help but spend these occasions wondering what's really going on in everybody's minds. Not really a sexy exercise.

Now, by "private," I don't mean that I'm shy. I'm not. I just don't enjoy loud, public displays of faux sexual bravado. Private sexual bravado between people who actually dig each other is great. The other kind - meh.

But I like my friends, and I want the women to get well paid and be treated well, so I usually spend a great deal of money buying lap dances for my friends and over tipping.

Then, invariably, somebody decides that I've paid enough and it's my turn for a lap dance. Which I try to deflect for as long as possible, because I really don't want disinterested strangers grinding on me, no matter how good they look, but I also don't want to be insulting, or a killjoy, so eventually, it usually happens. And the weird thing is: I always seem to wind up with the most intense lap dances of anyone but the groom. To the extent that others notice and comment on it. Something about being both confidant and respectfully disinterested seems to peak the stripper's interest. By this point in the proceedings it's clear that they're going to get my money either way, so it's not strictly about the cash (although treating me well probably makes good business sense, too). It might just be that that gives me the least skeevy lap in the room, but that's not really the impression I get. I think I'm just kind of a novelty. With a pile of cash that I'm all too happy to part with, just not for myself.

Anyway. There's my data point. As for Hooters, I had some friends drag me to one once with the promise of good wings. The wings were pretty bland. Hooter's was horribly, painfully loud. The staff were constantly hollering in a desperate attempt to appear as if they were all having the time of their lives at the world's best (loudest) party. I fucking hated it. You couldn't pay me enough to go back into a Hooters. Not with all the cotton balls in the world.

Real sex is so much better than all that fake shit.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:31 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]


When somebody tells me that Hooters has really good wings, I think to myself 'You know, it's not that soandso has different tastes in wings than I do. Well, I mean, it is, but it's not just that. That poor sucker has never had really good wings in their life.' And it bums me out a little. Most places I've been, there are good wings all over the place.

Man, when did we start talking about Hooters?
posted by box at 7:46 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Something about being both confidant and respectfully disinterested seems to peak the stripper's interest. By this point in the proceedings it's clear that they're going to get my money either way, so it's not strictly about the cash

Hahaha. This is what guys tell themselves in strip clubs. It's always about the cash unless you have drugs or they want to have sex with you.

Guys that act all akward, aloof and 'respectful' get harder lap dances because the girls like to mess with them and want to milk more money out of them. They don't want to have sex with you unless you get their number without asking. Even after that they still just want your money.
posted by zephyr_words at 8:03 PM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


During my bachelor party I sat alone on the toilet and drank a whole thing of cough syrup. I had meant to run a bath but about halfway through the bottle I said to myself "Hey, this stuff is all right."
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:15 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


My bachelor party consisted of a trip to a strip club. With my wife-to-be. Who then bought everyone lap dances. It was hawt. That is all.

My bachelor party consisted of a trip to a strip club also. My wife-to-be came out and gave everyone lap dances. Then later, she revealed that she owned the Club and wanted to charge us $10 for bottled water. My bros and I were flat broke so she had us take all our clothes off and form a naked human pyramid. I got dizzy and fell off. I collided against the stripper pole and put a huge dent in it. "That'll be another $800" said my wife-to-be. I fell even more in love.
posted by storybored at 8:23 PM on June 29, 2011 [4 favorites]




I know I'm probably alone on this, but I actually think strip clubs are one of the least erotic experiences a man can possibly have.

Really, you think you're alone on this? Even though these threads are always the place for publicly declaring how unsexy one thinks stripping is and how it is icky to pay for it?
posted by Justinian at 9:02 PM on June 29, 2011 [8 favorites]


My bachelor party was awesome. Hackysack, frisbee, stick juggling, Pixar movies, board games, and role-playing. You can't really get any better than that.
posted by Jpfed at 9:08 PM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


zephyr_words: I'm not making the classic "she was into me" claim. Also, although I didn't want lap dances for myself, I've never been described as awkward around women of any variety. I did mention that I've been to clubs for bachelor parties, but the phenomenon in question was strictly at private parties (it's much easier to beg off at the clubs I've been to because they didn't bother trying to work the guys who weren't looking for dances). It never occurred to me that the dancers were actually into me, so that wasn't my point. Some of them did end up "dating" guys after the party, but that never came up with me (so to speak), so the money angle didn't seem like the whole story, either (note that I said it didn't seem like it was strictly about the money. Obviously it's about the money, but since I was already spending that, it would seem like a better investment to spend less time with me, not more). So if it wasn't interest or (just) money, I guess that just leaves "messing with" me from your list. Could be. That wasn't really the vibe, and I guess I don't see the point, but it could be. Or more likely they were messing with all of us. Maybe the point was simply to show the whole party how much more a generous wallet was worth. So maybe strictly money after all - just not mine.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:21 PM on June 29, 2011


I'll go against the grain here. I've been going to strip clubs since 1996, and enjoy it as a stress relief. After a tough day at the office, there is something relaxing about seeing women gyrating to hair metal and rap. Say what you will about it being icky and the like, but it's still naked women.

I have no interest in the circumstances of their employment (i.e. drug habit, kids, etc). As long as it looks like they are at the club of their own free will, I will talk to them and partake of their services.

It may be unsavory to some, but if this is the way these women want to make money, I see no moral problem with giving them my money.
posted by reenum at 9:37 PM on June 29, 2011 [7 favorites]


I did not have a bachelor's party, because really… what's the point? Every day before you are married you have the same opportunity for drunkenness and overpriced sexual teasing. My bachelor party was called my twenties.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:50 PM on June 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


KAT LIVES JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM ME!!! and she is hot.
posted by rainperimeter at 10:06 PM on June 29, 2011


All of you people with tales of stripper-free bachelor parties... it sounds to me like you're describing a Stag and Doe party instead.

Not really, if Stag and Doe parties still function as fundraisers for the marrying couple and not just a fun party for the couple and all their friends. And not all stripper-free bachelor parties are gender-mixed -- I've been to a couple of combined bachelor/ette parties in the past few years, but for the most part the bachelor and bachelorette parties are separate even if there are no strippers planned.
posted by palomar at 10:39 PM on June 29, 2011


Forget the bachelor party, why even bother with the wedding? Half the time anymore, I don't even know what kind of wedding gift to buy. The bride and groom have usually already been living together for five years. They already have dishes and towels and any other trappings of domesticity that you'd normally buy for a couple. And how is living together not like being married? (besides officialdom with the state and family/friends) And of course any of the old rituals of losing one's virginity are long gone from the wedding night for most couples. What's the point of having a wedding? The only thing worse are the a-holes that expect me to do the same song and dance for their second marriage.
posted by readyfreddy at 10:57 PM on June 29, 2011


Actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems like my last guess must be right. It would explain why the same thing happened on multiple occasions with different people years apart. And maybe I did make the classic mistake after all. I didn't think it meant that the dancers were into me, but I did assume that it had something to do with me. But really, I think it must have been about everybody in the room but me. I never could figure out why they were spending more time and energy on the one person in the room that wasn't really interested, but now I'm guessing that most of the time they aren't really dancing for whoever they are with at any given time. That dance is already paid for. Instead, every dance is really an advertisement for the next dance. So why not spend extra time and get a little freakier with the deep wallet in the room, even if he isn't interested? It was an easy way to advertise the deluxe offering with someone who wouldn't ruin the show by getting grabby.

Cool. I hadn't thought about this for awhile, but it's always good to feel like you've closed an open question.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:03 PM on June 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


The one private stripper show bachelor party I've been to went down almost exactly like the one in the story, except afterwards their large male associate made it clear that services were available for $100 a pop in a little room off to the side of the bar we had rented out.
posted by FeralHat at 12:53 AM on June 30, 2011


Not into strip clubs, not into strippers. All the bachelor parties I've had a hand in organising have been fun adventures involving food, booze and feats of strength. The last buck had to go through a series of tasks that got him progressively more and more drunk until he had to tackle his giant brother on the beach. It was great.

But whats all this business about joint bachelor/hen's parties? The idea is moronic. The whole idea is that those parties are symbolically the last time each of the sexes can get together and let loose. Why join them? You'll be having a party at the wedding anyway!
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 2:08 AM on June 30, 2011


I want my bachelor party at Disneyland or at Coachella or the moon or possibly aboard a hovercraft with lasers on it.

For my most recent stag night we hired hovercraft and raced them. It was awesome. No women were involved in our shenanigans at any point during the weekend, and that too was awesome.
posted by Hogshead at 4:30 AM on June 30, 2011


And how is living together not like being married? (besides officialdom with the state and family/friends)

I think that several thousand gay men and women from New York State alone would like to tell you that that "officialdom with the state" makes quite a big difference, there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:36 AM on June 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


About 15 years ago, a friend's sister had a party with a male stripper, which her mother and grandmother also attended. The stripper was hideous and his ass was covered with some sort of zit or something. I began to get very drunk. After that, we hit a ton of bars, including one with karaoke, which inspired my friend and I to sing a Bob Dylan song, which we did terribly.

Slightly more recently I was on a business trip in Canada with a bunch of co-workers, and we went to some bars, and thereafter to a strip club. One of the strippers and I got in a long conversation about her outfit, which she had sewn herself, and her sewing machine (I like to sew as well), while she sort-of gave me a lap dance one of my co-workers purchased. Afterward, the company found out that one of the staff at the strip club was an HR VP and he got fired; I've never been sure if that was partly because of the presence of a female, and he wouldn't have gotten fired if I wasn't there.

I realize these are random stories but everyone seems to be sharing that way. I've never been to a Hooters.
posted by miss tea at 5:50 AM on June 30, 2011


But whats all this business about joint bachelor/hen's parties? The idea is moronic. The whole idea is that those parties are symbolically the last time each of the sexes can get together and let loose. Why join them?

In our case it seemed moronic to pretend that we hadn't essentially been married since we first moved in together 3 years before. Either we missed the last chance to let loose by a long time, or marriage doesn't actually mean we can't go out with our friends and have fun without each other (so why pretend that it does?)
posted by muddgirl at 6:15 AM on June 30, 2011


Half the time anymore, I don't even know what kind of wedding gift to buy

Money. Can't go wrong with money as a wedding present, and that's what we always give. Weddings are expensive.

My bachelor party weekend was pretty awesome, and *did* involve a trip to the strip club, but that was the least interesting part of the weekend. Golfing, casino, eating lots of meat at one of those Brazilian bbq places, and crossing the border into the states to go to a firing range. Great stuff.
posted by antifuse at 6:32 AM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I want my bachelor party at Disneyland or at Coachella or the moon or possibly aboard a hovercraft with lasers on it.


Yeah, the party the night before our wedding was sorta like that...
posted by mikelieman at 6:34 AM on June 30, 2011


Also, if we're going to boil things down to "dude things", given the choice between paying $100 to look at some stripper's cooter and firing off $100 worth of live ammo, I'm going with the guns 7 days a week and twice on Sundays.

Add driving up and down a coastal road on a 200cc bike, jumping fully harnessed off a wooden plank some 50m above sea-level, and spending an equivalent (not equal, equivalent) amount in Thai baht for live ammo over a weekend, and you would have accurately described my bachelor party.

Forget the bachelor party, why even bother with the wedding? Half the time anymore, I don't even know what kind of wedding gift to buy. The bride and groom have usually already been living together for five years.

I don't know, and I suppose this works more in an Asian context, but found the wedding ceremony a great way to introduce my then-gf-now-wife to my extended family in a formal sort of a setting. That they all blessed us, and that there's this legalo-societal recognition, if you will, felt rejuvenating for the relationship; there's a sense of newness that's added some extra sparks for other parts of our lives. Both of us found this rather surprising, to be honest, given that we had been going out for about two and a half years before the wedding, and were doing a live-in for two days of the week. YMMV, I suppose. Marriage as an institution (for all possible pairings, naturally) _surprisingly_ has my endorsement, though.
posted by the cydonian at 7:01 AM on June 30, 2011


Hogshead - WHAT IS THIS? where did you rent hovercraft??

I know some folks who made small hovercraft out of leaf blowers, so now I'm imagining them racing up and down a flat parking lot, racing by poling small hovercraft like gondolas and this is an utterly fabulous image. Maybe this is just me, tho.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:16 AM on June 30, 2011


And how is living together not like being married? (besides officialdom with the state and family/friends)

There are like 753 partnership rights (or some large number) that go along with marriage. You may not agree with its philosophically (I don't), but it is a convenience for two partners.

I mostly got married cuz I was lazy and didn't want to fill out all the extra paperwork to get those 753 rights. Marriage costs about $20 and takes one form.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:10 AM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Party-goers would presumably be hiding in the trees, perhaps documenting the events with cameras, perhaps pelting me with paintballs.

For his bachelor party my brother was dressed-up as a bunny. For the paintball fight he didn't get a gun and it was him against all.
posted by zeikka at 8:10 AM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I wonder if the Related Posts suggestion of the katamari damacy wedding was triggered by KAT or WEDDING. Either way, I am amused.
posted by elizardbits at 8:14 AM on June 30, 2011


Half the time anymore, I don't even know what kind of wedding gift to buy

Money. Can't go wrong with money as a wedding present, and that's what we always give. Weddings are expensive.


True, as most people pay for their own weddings these days (even though they don't *have* to be expensive - I've been to potlucks in the park).

I really hate wedding gifts myself (you're marrying the love of your live - why do you need gifts?) and think the tradition is way outdated, but a lot of people really want to give you gifts, especially if they can't come to the wedding. I wanted to put a big "No Gifts Required" on the invite, but my wife demurred.

There's an online service (probably a bunch now) that let you set up an account to let people gift you $20, $50, etc. towards your honeymoon (or whatever you want). A bunch of my friends opted for that rather than shit I don't need.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:14 AM on June 30, 2011


...the young married guys quickly realized that bachelor parties were the only parties they got to attend without their wives...


...

I've got a few friends who have been married for the past few years. All the ones who have kids are always looking for a way to get out of the hard grind of work, fighting with the missus, having to take the kids to activities, trips to Hobby Lobby, mowing the lawn, etc. If that was all my life was, I'd want to get away from it as well.

I love spending time my wife and kids, and I wouldn't ever trade my married life for my single life.

It's a ridiculously difficult change in lifestyle, and it's hard work, and it's sleep depriving, and your freedom is gone, and your time is rarely your own, etc, but, sparing you a long emotional diatribe, I'll say it's very well worth it, and much better than I ever could have imagined.

Having said that, I also revel in the opportunity to shrug off all responsibilities and act like a single man, as often as I possibly can. Who wouldn't? It's a wonderful feeling to shut the door behind me, walk outside, and know that the whole night is mine, to do whatever I want; or to bike around on a beautiful day, going as fast as I want and listening to silence or my favorite music. Just because you drive trucks for a living doesn't mean you wouldn't want to race the go-kart track, eh? And even extroverts need alone time now and then.

The shackles of commitment only make the taste of any debauchery sweeter.

And the contentment that comes from having a warm bed to climb into and a loving family to share the joy and pain of my night before is a far better hangover remedy than burnt toast (which also works pretty well, however carcinogenically.)

When it comes to get-togethers among my friends, any given outing is usually organized by one person-- whether it's camping, a party, whatever-- and it tends to just be declared "sausage-only" about half the time.

Huh. To be honest, in my circle of friends, it's only the women who ever have ladies-only events, mostly because some of their friends aren't married and feel awkward as the only single person there. I suppose it just really depends on your personality and your circle of friends.

The men in my circle tend to isolate themselves with hobbies usually not shared with the spouses--poker, sports, golf, shooting--then again, a lot of the men I know are married or partnered gay men, so I may not be a typical case ... but none of my hetero friends throw male-only parties (bachelor parties excluded).

When it comes to families with kids, the ony reason that ANY gender throws same-gender parties is to stick the other gender with the kids. Plain and simple (sorry, kids).

But anyway, yes, Virginia, there are men in happy marriages who like spending time with their wives and kids.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:49 AM on June 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


I can't speak for my entire gender, but I can think of very few parties I'd want to attend without my fiancee. And those are parties she doesn't want to go to anyway, primarily because she has no interest in Marvel vs. Capcom or Arkham Horror. So it works out.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:37 AM on June 30, 2011


I had another thought about whether or not it makes sense to go co-ed with these things.

I've often thought that what I want for a "bachelorette party" (if I'm fortunate enough to require one) is a weekend road trip, and my brother kind of tsk-tsked that when I mentioned it and said "you'll be surprised, you won't want to spend much time away from your fiance leading up to the wedding."

Whereas I think it's really a smart thing to do, maybe -- stopping in the middle of the building-up-to-the-wedding insanity, where you're worrying about flowers and caterers and cake and reception halls and where Uncle Albert's going to sit and all that craziness, and do something that is purely and totally devoted to fun and is not about the impending planning. Bringing my fiance along would just open up the opportunity for "can we talk about the napkins for just five minutes?..." and then I don't get that break. The bachelor party may have started out as "wooo one last night for freedom!" But I think it's a wise idea to keep it around, even when you and your fiance/e have been together a long time, because that kind of decompressing may be a really smart thing, even if it's just a couple hours to vent about "okay, guys, get this -- she is asking me to choose monogramming styles for the tablecloths. Isn't that crazy?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:26 AM on June 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


"you'll be surprised, you won't want to spend much time away from your fiance leading up to the wedding."

YMMV, of course, but I call total shenanigans. My wife was as wonderful as could be about not letting our wedding dominate our lives, but even still, it seemed like a full-time job at some points (making the invites, signing the contracts, etc etc). Solo time was very welcome for me during the months before.

Now if you're totally into planning your wedding and want your fiancee to be just as involved and participatory, then yeah, that advice may apply.

The only request I had was that the Bachelor's Party not be the night before the ceremony, because I didn't want anyone to be all hungover and miserable at the wedding.

Most of my friends are from out of town, and not terrible wealthy, so I opted for a bachelor party the Thursday night before a Saturday night wedding. I actually wanted to do it the night before for maximum attendance, but again, my wife demurred.

My bachelor party was partially co-ed but not joint - the three women who attended were old friends of mine. We opted for all-you-can-eat (organic and vegetarian) Ethiopian food (along with two large bottles of Jameson's under the table), then weed, beer, and poker/bullshit time, then out prowling around a few bars, then back to my friend's apartment for more weed, beer, and poker/bullshit time until 6am, when we walked out to see the sun rise and found one of our earlier departees sleeping in his car.

I've often thought that what I want for a "bachelorette party" (if I'm fortunate enough to require one) is a weekend road trip

Honestly, and cheesily, my dream bachelor party would have been a week in Black Rock (on the Fourth or at Burning Man itself), but that just wasn't financially or otherwise realistic. I have a lot of friends I'd love to take out to the desert who would never otherwise go.

Point being, choose your Best Man wisely so you get exactly what you want.

That, and speak up about your wishes. I definitely had one groomsmen who was pushing the cocaine and strippers angle and even if you pick a reasonable best man, a dominant personality can force things in a certain direction. Don't accept "surprises" or at the least make it very clear what you do and particularly don't want.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:53 AM on June 30, 2011


YMMV, of course, but I call total shenanigans.

Oh, I did, actually (or at least thought it real loud). My brother has not quite caught on to the fact that he and I are as different as chalk and cheese.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:58 AM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think it's sort of dangerous to make any kind of "you" statement when it comes to weddings and all the cruft that surrounds them - that's getting into Wedding Industrial Complex territory. I'm pretty careful to couch everything in terms of my own feelings and experiences.
posted by muddgirl at 11:28 AM on June 30, 2011


No intelligent bride-to-be is worried about something as mundane as having sex with a stripper.

They are probably more concerned about the entrenched sexism inherent to the bachelor/ette event. Pretending that these events are not soaked in strange middle-class values and are basically an excuse for liminal taboo-breaking behaviour is disingenuous, at best.

Everyone has their own limits on this stuff. I have chosen to never participate in a bachelor party because I prefer my strange hyper-sexual liminality in other settings, thankyewverrymuch.
posted by clvrmnky at 11:55 AM on June 30, 2011


Metafilter: a nice, quiet orgy with friends.
posted by herbplarfegan at 1:01 PM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I can’t help but snort whenever I read something from a distressed bride-to-be, much less someone who's already married, fearing what will become of her relationship if her man attends the bachelor party against her wishes.

I think the key here is "against her wishes". If someone doesn't trust their husband around strange naked women, then who am I to declare her fears unfounded?


I think they key here is "against her wishes," regardless if she trusts her husband around strange naked women.

If your partner doesn't want you to do something because it will honestly upset her, I think you'd best have a very powerful reason to act against her or his wishes. It's that simple.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:02 PM on June 30, 2011


"... I mean, in olden days wouldn't the men of your tribe tease the groom relentlessly and vulgarly, and then shout out ribald and generally wrong advice through the door on the wedding night? It seems like I've read that description about many a culture. (Any historical anthropologists care to weigh in here?)"
posted by small_ruminant at 5:42 PM on June 29

What you're talking about, small_ruminant, is generally called a chivaree, and it happens on the wedding night, and usually also involves a lot more drinking, a good deal of banging of pots and pans, firecrackers, gun fire, and optionally, breaking into the married couple's bedroom, and extracting either the bridegroom or the both of them for some personal embarrassment in their night clothes. It's one reason elopement, or the now more common traditional honeymoon trip with an exit from the after-wedding reception became popular customs in America, I think. If you didn't stick around home for your wedding night, you couldn't be chivareed. Destination weddings have always seemed a little dangerous to me however, because if you bring all the mischief makers to a party far from home, who can tell what will happen?

As far as I can tell, it's a custom that has generally fallen by the wayside, but as recently as the 1940's, was still in vogue. My parents were chivareed after their wedding in a small town in Nebraska, because they didn't leave for their honeymoon trip to the Ozarks until the following day. It was a minor family legend, and although my Dad was always noted as being not a good sport about it all, and still got red in the face 50 years later when the tale was told again by his kid brother, my uncle, apparently a lot of other folks, including that uncle of mine, had a pretty good time doing it.

But skins were a lot thicker back then, and people didn't have the entertainment options common now.
posted by paulsc at 3:09 PM on June 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


My bachelor party was a couple of friends, a pizza and a pile of weed. I gotta say it was all right. S
posted by jquinby at 7:45 PM on June 30, 2011


chivaree

So that is the technical term for screwing with groom on his wedding night. We had a drunk bride tell us where they were going on their wedding night. We weren't cruel enough to actually show up and do anything stupid. Instead, we all pitched in $20 and I called the hotel and asked that immediately after they arrived a bottle of champaign be delivered, along with a note that said, "Congratulations. We'll be seeing you real soon."

Of course, we didn't go anywhere near the hotel, but the groom admitted later that every time he heard a footstep all night he was sure it was us.

Mission accomplished.
posted by COD at 7:55 PM on June 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


COD, that is some serious classholery. I'm impressed.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:00 PM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


The one bachelor party that I've been to, my duties as the best man were being the designated driver. We went to a strip club, then a bar. The strip club was a huge hit, as the groom and the bride, in addition to being high school sweethearts, had not been terribly intimate before the wedding. I was unimpressed. The groom had 15 drinks. We got back to the hotel and somehow, he did not have a place to spend the night. Luckily, there was a spare bed in my room. We got to sleep at 5am.

He woke up at 9am, chipper as hell and looking forward to his evening wedding. Only the fact of him being a good friend and it being his wedding kept me from strangling him on the spot (I have trouble with mornings, less so on 4 hours of sleep.)

I did not laugh at him when the hangover hit at noon. There was schadenfreude though, oh yes there was.
posted by Hactar at 11:37 PM on June 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


"... I mean, in olden days wouldn't the men of your tribe tease the groom relentlessly and vulgarly, and then shout out ribald and generally wrong advice through the door on the wedding night? It seems like I've read that description about many a culture in A Song of Ice and Fire. ;)

chivaree

So that is the technical term for screwing with groom on his wedding night.


Oh golly am I glad I've always mostly had girl (or girly) friends (and/or that my male friends are lazy). All they did was sprinkle rose petals on the wedding bed and all sorts of other froofy stuff which was actually kinda nice and sweet. The party was still going on and loud enough that we didn't have to worry (not that I cared) about being quiet.

It was a minor family legend, and although my Dad was always noted as being not a good sport about it all, and still got red in the face 50 years later

I gotta say I wouldn't have been too thrilled myself, particularly if it was our first time in a bed together. I mean I understand the appeal of a good joke and all, but erg, something about the behavior just makes my soul cringe. I am too sensitive.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:39 AM on July 1, 2011


"it seems like part of the show that the strippers perform at q bachelor party is faking some kind of sexual interest in the bachelor"

Sex workers?! Faking it?! *gasp!*
posted by markkraft at 12:28 AM on July 3, 2011


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