A sense of the Renaissance, when things were more simplified and perhaps more noble

November 8, 2011 3:08 PM

Sylvester Stallone has designed a pen. It's called Chaos. It's by Montegrappa (auto-play music... and oh what music)
posted by fearfulsymmetry (111 comments total)

this is what happens when you let God play madlibs with the universe.
posted by The Whelk at 3:10 PM on November 8, 2011 [37 favorites]

I would totally buy this pen for...much less than the asking price, but I'm just saying: I would.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:11 PM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

man he was great on welcome back kotter
posted by facetious at 3:11 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

My initial reaction: exactly that of the response in the first link. What else would a pen designed by Stallone have on it? So fancy!
posted by theredpen at 3:13 PM on November 8, 2011

Someone please photoshop out his eyebrows and repost those photos... please..!
posted by HuronBob at 3:13 PM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

It's the perfect thing to use to sign million-dollar checks while sipping out of a bottle of Dan Akyryod's Crystal Skull Vodka.
posted by JHarris at 3:13 PM on November 8, 2011 [6 favorites]

I'm not entirely convinced the world needed this.
posted by tumid dahlia at 3:14 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

Clicked on the first link, saw a teaser for an article titled "Yes, the Karate Kid Turned 50", closed page, reconsidering life.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 3:15 PM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

it really fits my fast-paced, skull-based lifestyle.
posted by The Whelk at 3:16 PM on November 8, 2011 [47 favorites]

They say that it's inspired by "Battista Franco​, Albrecht Durer​, Hans Sebald Beham​ and Antonia Pollaiolo," but it looks like it's inspired by Ed Hardy and Warhammer 40k.
posted by Stagger Lee at 3:16 PM on November 8, 2011 [47 favorites]

I'm certain he got the idea for this while watching The Jerk.
posted by JHarris at 3:18 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someone is guying to buy it. It's going to have a display case with it's own pin light, in a room that will contains no less than three different colors of leather upholstery, there might be a guitar on the wall. His wife left him and the kids never call. But that's okay, he's got his shoe buffer, his rapid-action wine cooler, and a room just for his elegant pen, things must be going great.
posted by The Whelk at 3:20 PM on November 8, 2011 [18 favorites]

...like holding a snowglobe of an Ed Hardy store!
posted by mintcake! at 3:21 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

The crystal inkwell at the bottom kind of looks like the hidden 8th horcrux.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:21 PM on November 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

Oh man I went to some horrifying combination of Harry Potter and The Sharper Image right now.
posted by The Whelk at 3:22 PM on November 8, 2011 [6 favorites]

his rapid-action wine cooler

Try NEW fast-acting Bartles & Jaymes ULTRA LIME.
posted by mintcake! at 3:23 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

I get the feeling he described it to an artist and kept saying "That's good, but way more badass!" and the artist finally was like, "Fine, I'll make it totally over the top just to get him to stop!" And then the artist went to town with the Skulls! And more CHAOS! And when Syl saw it, he said, "Yes, that is totally it!" and the artist went home and drank all night.
posted by theredpen at 3:23 PM on November 8, 2011 [38 favorites]

Actually these kinds of things serve a purpose, like the items at Fortum & Mason's Men's section, if you get one of these as a gift, then you know nobody likes you .
posted by The Whelk at 3:25 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

When I think of fountain pens, I think of eloquence, civility, and grace.

When I think of Sylvester Stallone, I think of other things.
posted by Trurl at 3:26 PM on November 8, 2011 [8 favorites]

That pen is awesome. I will gladly pay $11.95 for it at Hot Topic.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:26 PM on November 8, 2011 [16 favorites]

in an economny like this you can't afford not to buy skull fountain pens.
posted by The Whelk at 3:27 PM on November 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

Please, please tell me this can function as a tactical pen for ultimate stabbity badassitude.

And if you aren't considering switching back to fountain pens solely to use the crystal skull-ringed inkwell topped by rattlesnakes, you have no soul.
posted by nicebookrack at 3:28 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just for kicks, I've been going back and playing Diablo II for the last couple of weeks.

Everything about this site was eerily familiar.
posted by darksasami at 3:29 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

THIS PEN WILL BREAK YOU
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:29 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

Indescribably awesome.
posted by EatTheWeek at 3:30 PM on November 8, 2011

Man the Wizarding World's SkyMall would be a strange place indeed, Deluxe "Executive class" Wand Polishers and the like.

I thought that's what they called the weasley twins BURN
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on November 8, 2011 [7 favorites]

If you are a celebrity those cheap scribbles you made as a nihilistic teenager will be worth something. But first, you have to be a celebrity.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 3:33 PM on November 8, 2011

Funny, it's selling price is higher than the value of my car.
posted by zzazazz at 3:33 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

A fitting instrument to stab into my eyes the next time I watch one of his shitty movies.
posted by zzazazz at 3:34 PM on November 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

Forget disappearing ink, that ink bursts into flames.
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:35 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am totally in. It's just that I'm waiting until I can get this and the Steven Seagal pen as a set.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 3:38 PM on November 8, 2011

I know 100 ways to kill you with that pen.

I could probably show you a few.

Did I do it right?
posted by eyeballkid at 3:39 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am totally in. It's just that I'm waiting until I can get this and the Steven Seagal pen as a set.

Let me guess, that one is decorated with wolves and has a pony tail?
posted by polywomp at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

It looks like he should be designing bongs or t-shirts next.
posted by codacorolla at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

I bet he uses this pen to write haiku and thank-you notes.
posted by 4ster at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think someone got a little jealous of all the "Chuck Norris is such a man" jokes and figured he could design something that would out–Chuck Norris Chuck Norris.
posted by theredpen at 3:44 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

People still use pens?
posted by LordSludge at 3:45 PM on November 8, 2011

They say that it's inspired by "Battista Franco​, Albrecht Durer​, Hans Sebald Beham​ and Antonia Pollaiolo,"

Spy High's Stallone entry was "Most likely to misuse big words."
posted by benzenedream at 3:49 PM on November 8, 2011

The bad-ass-ness of Chuck Norris (lore) is that it's all within Chuck Norris. He doesn't need a stinkin' pen to show off how manly he is.

Or more in line with the Chuck Norris facts meme: Chuck Norris doesn't need a pen to write, he just stares at the paper until his thoughts bleed through. Or something like that.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:49 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I won't believe it's worth a damn until I see it chop the toes off a pair of cowboy boots stuffed with steak for no reason.
posted by griphus at 3:50 PM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

I bet he uses it to fill out his Oscar ballot. Or to write his scripts. You know the ones that didn't get him Academy Award nominations.

What I'm saying here is there's lots of jokes to be made about Hollywood and Sylvester Stallone's pen set isn't the biggest one.

If Montegrappa knew what they were doing, they'd offer that tune as a download for 99 cents because I have about eighteen million short film ideas I'd like to make with it as the soundtrack right about now.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:50 PM on November 8, 2011

For my own custom pen line, I'm going to want something like the cross-bred result of a Uniball Vision Micro and MEPHISTOPHELES' PENIS
posted by FatherDagon at 3:54 PM on November 8, 2011 [8 favorites]

The pen is said to be mightier than the sword because the words a pen writes can move the hearts of millions and change the world much more effectively than mere force, as represented by the sword.

It's really not because the pen is encrusted with skulls and chaos and barbed wire and shit until everyone is forced to admit that it is even more badass than the sword.
posted by Naberius at 3:55 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

The penis, mightier.
posted by The Whelk at 3:58 PM on November 8, 2011 [6 favorites]

The pen is said to be mightier than the sword because the words a pen writes can move the hearts of millions and change the world much more effectively than mere force, as represented by the sword.

It's really not because the pen is encrusted with skulls and chaos and barbed wire and shit until everyone is forced to admit that it is even more badass than the sword.

Everyone knows that the truly badass just write with swords.
posted by FatherDagon at 4:00 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

This pen totally kicks that pen's ass.
posted by Chuffy at 4:11 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

people who would like that pen do not care about pens.
posted by hollisimo at 4:15 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

It certainly makes a statement.
posted by Artw at 4:15 PM on November 8, 2011

LOL ADRIAN
posted by the painkiller at 4:15 PM on November 8, 2011

New For X-Quisite Livin', Sylvester Stallone's Fancy Guy Gear:


Blood On My Hands Nail Buffer with diamond detailing
Lavender 'N Leather 'N Napalm Sachets for your sock drawer
Hoochie Momma Hooch Holder silver flask with gold detailing
Hand grenades and Headless Corpses Handkerchief in imported Italian silk
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:18 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

This item has skulls and snakes on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the pen would actually write, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the pen in my pocket and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the skulls and snakes on my pen that I am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'write' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a skull and snake pen shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

Pros: Capable of writing letters and numerals (Roman and Arabic), has skulls and snakes on it, attracts women
Cons: Only one large skull on the pen itself, cannot see skull or snakes when the pen is in your pocket, skull would have been better if it was an actual miniature skull from a small animal or a very small person.
posted by mosk at 4:21 PM on November 8, 2011 [11 favorites]

What I like best about the photo of Sly holding the pen is that I can imagine its suspended on his hand in that way because there is a skull on the other side of the pen biting into the fleshy area between his thumb and pointer.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:28 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

It would be so satisfying to stab someone in the back of their hand with that pen, or in their eye, or to sign a contract on someone's back and then stab the contract on to their back. I'm pretty sure that's what the pen is made for.
posted by furtive at 4:28 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

According to the site, this pen goes for a maximum of $5000. Now, bearing in mind that you can get a box of 60 pens from Amazon for the princely sum of $6.99, that means that you could buy nearly 43,000 pens rather than this one.

Or, to put it another way, you could quite literally build a 1:1 scale model of Sylvester Stallone entirely out of pens for less than it would cost you to buy a pen designed by him.
posted by ZsigE at 4:29 PM on November 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

It's like somebody took the coat of arms from a 10 year old kid's D&D character sheet circa 1985 and brought it to life.

"It's a sword! With a skull! And wings! Stuck in a skull with wings! And snakes!"
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:31 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

(Yes, I'm suing.)
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:31 PM on November 8, 2011

Or, to put it another way, you could quite literally build a 1:1 scale model of Sylvester Stallone entirely out of pens for less than it would cost you to buy a pen designed by him.

You're not paying for the pen, but for the intellectual property represented by the pen. (Isn't that how we're all supposed to view stuff like this?)
posted by maxwelton at 4:31 PM on November 8, 2011

Aptly named Chaos and rightly so, the design for the pen was inspired by classical art by 16th century artists including Battista Franco​, Albrecht Durer​, Hans Sebald Beham and Antonia Pollaiolo.

Aptly and rightly! Double appropo yo!

And here I thought it was inspired by Slash's nose ring or something.
posted by ian1977 at 4:40 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

You're not paying for the pen, you're paying for the experience.
posted by The Whelk at 4:40 PM on November 8, 2011

What you mean, expendable?
posted by ian1977 at 4:49 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is that Chaos in your pocket, or...
posted by argonauta at 4:51 PM on November 8, 2011

It's not expensive enough.
posted by Artw at 4:52 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Saw it and said 'Let's all just Grow. Up!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:53 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sylvester Stallone has designed a [$4,000] pen.

That's so Over the Top.
posted by wensink at 4:55 PM on November 8, 2011

Example #45 of what happens when you cut art funding.
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

Tangible evidence that there people in this world with too much money.
posted by Daddy-O at 4:57 PM on November 8, 2011

This means we have reached Peak Tacky, right?

Things will be getting less tacky now?

Please? Uncle?
posted by everichon at 5:01 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm using this to sign every eviction notice from now on.
posted by fleetmouse at 5:02 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

You're only supposed to use it to stab poor people in the face.

ftfy
posted by fleetmouse at 5:04 PM on November 8, 2011

"Dang, I tried writing a letter to my aunt with this cool new pen and all I could muster was 'DUHHHHHH DERRR DUHHHH DUHHHHHHHHHH.'"
posted by Turkey Glue at 5:06 PM on November 8, 2011

The ink for this pen is actually liquid fire.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:06 PM on November 8, 2011

StickyCarpet: Forget disappearing ink, that ink bursts into flames.

Damn you, StickyCarpet!!
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:08 PM on November 8, 2011

$5000 is chickenfeed in the high-end collectible pen world, and the design is understated and restrained for the Chinese luxury market, which is where this thing will end up. In Europe and Japan, they blow Rolex money on quietly tastefully pens with name cachet.

American execs will blow a couple hundred on a Mont Blanc at most, as it's the only pen brand they know, and the collectors tend to enjoy the mid-range European fountain pens as a hobby. Anything over $100 is pushing it unless it's a desirable vintage pen from an American company.
posted by Slap*Happy at 5:09 PM on November 8, 2011

I used to have a T-shirt with that picture on it, with the words "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE" in an appropriately grunge font.
posted by Gator at 5:23 PM on November 8, 2011

The coolest thing is that when you buy this pen it also includes a visit from Dan Akroyd, in which he gives you free vodka and explains the meaning of Stonehenge.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:28 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Skulls aside, I've been using (calligraphic) fountain pens for writing recently and they completely rule. It looks awesome, they are fun to use and the wider nibbed one goes oh so smooth. Plus who doesn't like using a little lever to fill the ink reservoir and then pull it again to squirt Tom in the face and save Jerry?
posted by DU at 5:37 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

A pen named "Chaos" should have a little motor in it, to make the pen vibrate when you write so your writing comes out extra-squiggly.

It should also leak ink when you least expect it, and perhaps alter the weather patterns over your house.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:42 PM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Everything here is sword. Sword-baseball bat, sword-rifle, sword-pineapple, sword-sword sharpener, sword-pie..." - Ranier Wolfcastle
posted by roystgnr at 5:44 PM on November 8, 2011

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is... this pen?
posted by Verdant at 5:52 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Needs more spikes for that. The spikes are just as important as the skulls.
posted by Artw at 5:58 PM on November 8, 2011

Also, any W4k pen should incorporate a small chainsaw too.
posted by bonehead at 6:13 PM on November 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well....... I actually want to buy this. It would make a great gift for someone I know who loves skulls. But it's only worth about $14.99 to me. I think I'll send them an email and try to haggle.
posted by y6y6y6 at 6:21 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Let's face it, any writing not done by some near blind scribe eeking out a miserable existance in service to the emperor is suspect and probable heresey anyway - as soon as any administrator or high ranking Inquisitor gets fancy with their pens you know they're up to something and they might as well just start growing horns and tentacles on the spot.
posted by Artw at 6:22 PM on November 8, 2011

Clicked on the first link, saw a teaser for an article titled "Yes, the Karate Kid Turned 50", closed page, reconsidering life.

Keep in mind Ralph Macchio was born in 1961. He would have been 23 years old when the first film was made.
posted by delmoi at 6:28 PM on November 8, 2011

I think part of this movie is autobiographical for Sly in that he has some kind of speech impediment and is always worried that people perceive him as dumb because of it. The movie is pretty unwatchable except for the parts with Tim Curry as his "voice coach".

So anyways, pens're smart, right? Smart people use pens and there's art on it, right? Smart people like art. I mean it's tough art though, right? Like tough smart guys will like my pens, right?

Poor Sly.
posted by snsranch at 6:41 PM on November 8, 2011

Until now I had no idea that Dan Ackroyd had anything to do with that Crystal Skull vodka. Every time I see one of those bottles at the liquor store (they display them up by the cash registers at the NSLC) I just think man, that would make a kick-ass bong.
posted by Flashman at 7:00 PM on November 8, 2011

I WRITE THE LAW!
posted by HannoverFist at 7:13 PM on November 8, 2011

I feel like I missed the point in time where Stallone became a douche-bag. He was Rocky a long time ago, and then I saw 'The Expendables' recently. I know that is a lot of time in between ....but man that is a hell of a transformation.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 7:15 PM on November 8, 2011

I'll wait for the Frank Stallone knock-off.
posted by davebush at 7:33 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've always said that if I started making a lot of money, I wouldn't get a mansion. Instead, I would get a lot of little, 600-square-foot apartments all over the place. Each one would be decorated differently, and absurdly. One would be all Kung Fu-themed, with Bruce Lee posters everywhere, and those cheap samurai swords you get at malls, and nunchucks and butterfly swords just lying around. One would be 3D backlight posters, and a wall of bongs, and the coffee table would be piled with High Times magazines and old underground comix, and when people opened the closet they would be blinded by hydroponic lights.

And, of course, one would be a heavy metal apartment, filled with statues of dragons and flying v guitars and signed albums from Metallica.

I'd go out to parties and invite people back, and then just, at random, take them to one of these theme apartments. Once there, I would totally act like it was my actual apartment, and I was the sort of person who would live there. At the kung fu apartment, I would throw on some martial arts movies and spend the night obsessively discussing wing Chun. At the stoner apartment I would just get irritatingly verbose on the subject of reforming marihuana laws.

At last I have a pen for my heavy metal apartment.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:07 PM on November 8, 2011 [10 favorites]

My pen!
posted by mazola at 8:17 PM on November 8, 2011

I would eat at Kung Food!
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Does Kung Food have flaming-skull chopsticks?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:16 PM on November 8, 2011

Somewhere in the cold depths of space there is an elite squad of World Eater Chaos Marines dedicated to collecting blood so that this pen shall never run dry.
posted by gamera at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2011

The "red and yellow enamel accents represent the colors of fire."

And the black celluloid represents, um. Darkness. Yeah. Darkness.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:40 PM on November 8, 2011

A pen named "Chaos" should have a little motor in it, to make the pen vibrate when you write so your writing comes out extra-squiggly.

They actually make these. I have no idea what the brand is, but I remember using one in a jr. high art class. Kind of gimmicky, I guess, but you could get some interesting effects with a little practice.
posted by brennen at 9:56 PM on November 8, 2011

Bunny Ultramod,

It seems that Montegrappa also has the perfect pen for your Kung Fu/Bruce Lee apartment.
posted by captain cosine at 10:13 PM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Montegrappa's music could use a lot more cowbell.
posted by telstar at 10:50 PM on November 8, 2011

Daddy-O: "Tangible evidence that there people in this world with too much money."

More so when you consider that someone is bound to buy that pen ironically.
posted by vanar sena at 12:53 AM on November 9, 2011

They actually make these.

Yeah, but those just spin. The "Chaos" pen should be random-orbit. I forgot to mention that.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:34 AM on November 9, 2011

This is going to go great with my Jean Claude van Damme inkwell.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:10 AM on November 9, 2011

It's like a regular inkwell, only it rests on a stand of pure platinum miniature muscle-bound legs. When the ink runs low, it leaps up and kicks you in the face.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:13 AM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Like O.J. and Kato taking the Rolls Royce through the McDonald's Drive-Thru
posted by bendybendy at 6:36 AM on November 9, 2011

I'm certain he got the idea for this while watching The Jerk

Remember how I always used to chit chat with dad about wanting a custom-designed fountain pen with skulls and snakes on it? Well I got that too!
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:45 AM on November 9, 2011

That is one totally bad ass pen. Does it come with a wider nib?
posted by SLC Mom at 7:51 AM on November 9, 2011

It seems that Montegrappa also has the perfect pen for your Kung Fu/Bruce Lee apartment.

It's so beautiful I almost can't look at it.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:29 AM on November 9, 2011

I think I read somewhere back when I was actually a pen user that $100-150 will get you a good pen that's a joy to write with. $200 will get you a better pen, beyond that you're mostly in the realm of collectable marketing and branding.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 10:45 AM on November 9, 2011

I think I read somewhere back when I was actually a pen user that $100-150 will get you a good pen that's a joy to write with. $200 will get you a better pen, beyond that you're mostly in the realm of collectable marketing and branding.

And 33¢ will get you a pen that you won't care when it inevitably gets lost after two weeks.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:05 AM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

the flaming skull chopsticks are $2, reuseable, and called "kung food moofoo chopsticks"

...and for another 79¢ can you get a tiny chain you can use to connect the ends for moofoo nunchucks?
posted by Zed at 3:52 PM on November 9, 2011

Does buying the pen entitle you to write all over Sylvester Stallone with it? This isn't clear from the website. I am mostly interested in transcribing synopses of his films as provided by readers of the Internet Movie Database (IMDb). Thank you. This question needs to be anonymous because he is still very strong.
posted by Adventurer at 11:42 PM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

We're gonna need a bigger boat pocket protector...
posted by islander at 11:55 PM on November 9, 2011