juiced goose
March 27, 2012 3:36 PM   Subscribe

 
I read that as "in space" and was really disappointed.
posted by DareTo at 3:43 PM on March 27, 2012 [18 favorites]


Geese are nature's douchecanoes, I'll tempered bags of green babysit that love to launch themselves at your younger brother causing you to emit primal screaming and chase that waddling fucker down the street shouting I AM THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN MOTHERFUCKER.

Every roast goose I make is a victory against the bossy fuckers.
posted by The Whelk at 3:44 PM on March 27, 2012 [30 favorites]


I did too, DareTo...

But that was really, really worth my minute and 11 seconds. Middle aged suburban white men are fearsome foes.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:45 PM on March 27, 2012


Also don't conduct the damn thing, hit it!

Sorry I'm not really a violent man I just ...hate geese.
posted by The Whelk at 3:45 PM on March 27, 2012


The problem with trying to fend off a hostile goose is not that they are particularly scary, or that the physical confrontation is terribly difficult. The problem, rather, is that most people sort of balk at doing anything that they worry might badly hurt the goose. And clearly the geese have learned this, and many are more that willing to call our collective bluff.
posted by Ipsifendus at 3:45 PM on March 27, 2012 [8 favorites]


Geese are fearless, but not deadly, that is the charm.

My inlaws lived on a lake, a lake full of gooses (yes, gooses, the word "geese" is just wrong). My son was 5 years old, and not very smart, and WAY too trusting.

Gooses on the lawn with baby gooses, very cute, my 5 year old was fascinated. Being the loving father I am, I told him we could take one home. I suggested he pick out the baby goose that he wanted and go get it.

Hilarity ensued.
posted by HuronBob at 3:46 PM on March 27, 2012 [32 favorites]


Getting whacked in the shin by one of those wings feels like getting hit with a baseball bat. Also, they bite REALLY hard.

Geese are assholes.
posted by dolface at 3:47 PM on March 27, 2012


One comment described his final kick as a "this is sparta kick".
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:48 PM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


You have to admire that goose for its persistence, I think. Well, in the video. If it was in my immediate vicinity, admiration would not be my emotion.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:48 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I love at the 1:00 mark, when the people have shown their tails, the way the goose lowers its head and stutter-steps toward ramming -- goosing? -- speed.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 3:48 PM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


Then there was the time out on the lake a couple of years ago. Our lake connects, under a bridge, with a smaller lake. The smaller lake was home to three or four pairs of Swans. I was sitting in the boat one summer day, watching a jet ski come under the bridge, a bright, white jet ski. If you think about it, a white jet ski with a pale adult rider looks a bit like one huge, ugly swan.

Evidently the swan thought so too, and, being a bit territorial, decided the ugly swan had to go.

The swan won, driving the jet ski back under the bridge to the other lake.
posted by HuronBob at 3:50 PM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


He had a bag on him, one good clean hit across the dead and gossio b. assholio would be at least stunned.
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Head, okay no more phone posting.
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on March 27, 2012


Evidently the swan thought so too, and, being a bit territorial, decided the ugly swan had to go.

Where can I donate to support this swan in its endeavor?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:51 PM on March 27, 2012 [5 favorites]


Didn't we just have an "Angry Birds" post a few days ago?
posted by brundlefly at 3:57 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


Geese are evil, evil things. I can still recall when they were migratory birds and we only saw them twice a year. We thought they were beautiful, but that was because we were unaware of their true nature.

Now when they cross the road I drive right up to them, just so they know that while killing them with my car is illegal, it's possible.
posted by tommasz at 4:06 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


The problem is that geese aren't dogs, and most people only know how to deal with dogs. We humans are woefully unprepared for small animals that aren't dogs.

"Beat it, non-human."
"GOOOOOOSE! GOOOOOOOSE!"
"Jesus! WTF?! Down, boy! Stay!"
"GOOOOOOSE! GOOOOOOOSE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:12 PM on March 27, 2012 [13 favorites]


It's interesting that we are seeing a shift in describing geese as "silly" (meaning, I assume, stupid, as opposed to cute or quirky) into thinking of them as angry. Maybe it's their pent-up rage at the stereotype of stupidity. Or maybe we used to interrogate their temper and regard their behavior as stupid, whereas now we refuse to question its validity, and instead simply try to skirt it, defending ourselves only feebly with our newspapers and briefcases and artificial trappings of learning.

Witness the creation of a new field, critical ornithology, and tremble.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:12 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


What, no unalloyed praise for the goose? Go goose! Videos like that do my heart good. Gooses(?) were in America millions of years before man. The goose never concreted over man's world. The goose never polluted man's homes. The goose never killed and ate humans (or at least not in industrial quantities).

The goose is the little guy, the underdog. The hero, taking on someone many times his size, a species that kills the goose for pleasure.

He has every right to do serious harm to the invaders but he just gives a warning peck. He's a decent guy, a goose of passion and honor and restraint beyond the call of duty and I cheer for him all the way. Oh, and he's beautiful and can fly for thousands of miles. But that's just icing on the cake. +1 goose!
posted by EnterTheStory at 4:15 PM on March 27, 2012 [29 favorites]


The true path to understand goose psychology is to observe the shape that billions of years of evolution has given it: A weeny little dick attached to a massive pair of balls.
posted by Kattullus at 4:17 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


I worked in an office complex where a large cadre of these motherfuckers would settle in come the autumn and winter and oh my god there were times when I wanted to go third-act-of-RAMBO-III on those assholes.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 4:24 PM on March 27, 2012


I read that as "in space" and was really disappointed.

Try this instead.
posted by neroli at 4:24 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


What, no unalloyed praise for the goose?

Great, here come the Canadians.

Go goose!

No thanks, I'm still at work.

Gooses(?) were in America millions of years before man. The goose never concreted over man's world. The goose never polluted man's homes. The goose never killed and ate humans (or at least not in industrial quantities).

Man has never pooped all over a goose's $5000 suit. Come on!

He has every right to do serious harm to the invaders but he just gives a warning peck. He's a decent guy, a goose of passion and honor and restraint beyond the call of duty and I cheer for him all the way. Oh, and he's beautiful and can fly for thousands of miles. But that's just icing on the cake. +1 goose!

For a moment, I thought of using this text to support drone strikes.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:26 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dude needs a sword...
posted by Confess, Fletch at 4:27 PM on March 27, 2012


I'm going to give you the best goose advice you've ever received,

If one ever attacks you, just faint with your non-dominant hand, grab the neck with your dominant hand, and then sit on it. It works every time, and is much more important for more dangerous long necked critters like swans.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:31 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think Blasdelb is a goose. Take it from a human: feinting is better.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:32 PM on March 27, 2012 [7 favorites]


What, no unalloyed praise for the goose?

No. Fuck those goddamn honking poop machines to hell and back.
posted by elizardbits at 4:33 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


The goose never polluted man's homes

The half inch of shit covering every outdoor surface of my childhood home would beg to differ.
posted by The Whelk at 4:34 PM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


This is why we fill pillowcases with their epidermal growths. Sky carp suck.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 4:34 PM on March 27, 2012


but... what do you do once you've got the goose by the neck? I think most western societies would be secretly pleased, but outwardly disapproving of me choking a goose to death.
posted by danny the boy at 4:34 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


I forgot to mention what you do once you sit on the angry goose.

Just whisper sweet nothings into its ear about how tasty it likely is until it calms down and then toss it a good distance away. Geese are pretty hardy and you are unlikely to hurt it unless your are actively trying to.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:34 PM on March 27, 2012


Wait, you sit on the goose? I thought you were supposed to grab your own neck, and then sit on your dominant hand. Kind of a submission ritual.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 4:36 PM on March 27, 2012 [6 favorites]




A while ago, Grant Morrison was part of a writing team behind 52, a weekly DC series that prefaced the second-latest reboot of the whole DC continuity.

Being Grant Morrison, he added a bit of Zen silliness to his Batman and Robin adventure, recycling his "Goose in the bottle" parable that he used in the Invisibles years before.

I didn't think he handled Robin quite right.

And this will forever be my junction between man and goose: Goosemaster, a genius scientist who turned to bizarre, yet endearing, goose-related crimes.
posted by Shepherd at 4:41 PM on March 27, 2012 [14 favorites]


what do you do once you've got the goose by the neck

I imagine it would be terribly fulfilling to swing it above your head with a crazed caveman roar.
posted by elizardbits at 4:44 PM on March 27, 2012 [7 favorites]


I'm kind of afraid my next ask question is going to be:

"I am sitting on a goose. I have his neck in one hand and my iPhone checking this thread in the other. As soon as I get up he starts to peck at my face. I have no other weapons. I do not know the penalty for assaulting wildlife in California. WHAT DO I DO??"
posted by danny the boy at 4:45 PM on March 27, 2012 [10 favorites]


MetaFilter: Great, here come the Canadians.
posted by jimmythefish at 4:45 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


DareTo, I read it exactly the same way. However, it was not disappointing. Hilarious!
posted by batou_ at 4:57 PM on March 27, 2012




MetaFilter: The goose never polluted man's homes.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:03 PM on March 27, 2012




If you can stay really relaxed the geese won't bother you.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:17 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I watched that with my headphones off at first, and I can confirm: The desperately stifled laughter of the cameraman(?) makes it ten times more hilarious.

What are you supposed to do with them though? Those necks look so grabbable, but I'm not sure I could pull off the tube trip home with a laptop over one shoulder and a goose over the other, like some sort of suited caveman.
posted by lucidium at 5:25 PM on March 27, 2012


I love the office workers' glee when they see the guy coming, knowing what he's in for and filming it instead of yelling out the window, "Hey guy, watch out for that goose!" That's the kind of office environment I want to work in.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:28 PM on March 27, 2012


That wasn't actually sarcastic, though it might have sounded like it. That really IS the kind of office environment I want to work in.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:29 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hahahahahhaha, awesome work little bro.
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 5:42 PM on March 27, 2012 [6 favorites]


And here I was thinking this was all about duck presses.
posted by CharlesV42 at 5:42 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


As a kid, I was happily feeding the ducks one day when oh hey, it's a goose! OH GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS ME.

please don't hurt me

take this bread! Take it- take all of it! Just go away!

Keep in mind that this thing was only like a head shorter than I was.

utterly terrifying
posted by BungaDunga at 5:53 PM on March 27, 2012


I love the office workers' glee when they see the guy coming, knowing what he's in for and filming it instead of yelling out the window, "Hey guy, watch out for that goose!" That's the kind of office environment I want to work in.

I got the impression he was a purposeful knight saving the distressed woman's bag from the goose's dominion in a modern day Sir George kind of way. As in, the office workers had no need to warn him as he was already aware of the battle ahead.
posted by vegartanipla at 6:03 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Geese are hilarious. There's a nature sanctuary here where the Geese come every spring to have their little goslings. You can tell when they're nesting because a pair will walk towards you, lower their heads and begin hissing. This is their way of saying "we know you brought food for the ducks, hand some over". When you do they nibble on a little bit of it then look up and start hissing again - "more, human, leave all your food here".

So I put some down and then I stay put, sitting on the bench or just standing there. They come towards me, hissing. Nothing. They look confused. Why is the human not responding? Hissss. Hisss. Nothing. They give their tailfeathers a little shake which I assume to be the goose version of a shrug, then go to the food. Once one gave up and just sat down on the grass next to the bench I was sitting on. Quite happy just to hang out once it figured hissing wasn't going to get it any extra nibbles.

I've had geese come up looking for trouble and I just keep walking. So far no goose has responded by upping the level of attack - moving on seems to make it think "oh fine, you're no fun are you" and then wait for someone who'll freak out.

Geese, man. Geese.
posted by Salmonberry at 6:05 PM on March 27, 2012 [6 favorites]


I had to step around a little gaggle of Canada geese on the sidewalk just the other day. I was a bit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit going into it, but they let me by without a problem, exhibiting truly pigeon-like levels of not giving a fuck.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:34 PM on March 27, 2012


Yikes, if those fuckers ever evolve talons and a curvy beak, we are free buffet. I'm glad geese are quite rare around here as feathered SOBs go.
posted by Iosephus at 6:37 PM on March 27, 2012


I love the hissing part
posted by quazichimp at 6:38 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


They're tenacious, alright.

That dog is one helluva good dog.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 6:43 PM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm afraid that, as the numbers of mankind grow, we become less and less tolerant of the creatures around us, including creatures that challenge us: geese, swans, corvids, etc.

Perhaps we should leave a little room for them. They were here first, you know.
posted by SPrintF at 6:48 PM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


Geese are great. Not their fault their digestive systems are not very efficient. Mostly they ignore you. If they don't, if they have some defensive issue at that moment, have the sense to go around them. Man in video was stupid.
posted by Listener at 6:48 PM on March 27, 2012


> Perhaps we should leave a little room for them

Thing is, we have created habitat they like, so there are more of them around. Our fault, not theirs! So we addle their eggs. Pests! (Us, not them.)
posted by Listener at 6:49 PM on March 27, 2012


I'm not sure Corvids haven't been seceretly behind the urbanization of humanity for thier benefit.
posted by The Whelk at 7:12 PM on March 27, 2012 [5 favorites]


Thing is, we have created habitat they like, so there are more of them around. Our fault, not theirs! So we addle their eggs. Pests! (Us, not them.)


Not really, unless you're talking about pigeons or something. The reason why we are seeing more wildlife in inhabited areas is precisely because we are destroying their habitat, not creating it. They are trying to fit in to shrinking niches.

Anyway, this rabid geesism on display here is appalling and I'm going to start a MeTa!

not really
posted by Burhanistan at 7:17 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dense urban environments naturally foster the idea that animals are pests. New Yorkers, (as just one example), complaining about bird droppings might choose to examine their own waste management practices before bewailing the impact of wildlife on the environment.

Some of us lucky enough to live in more natural eco-systems might be less antagonistic toward other creatures. Anchored out in a harbour, water-fowl are more likely to be seen as a benefit, and I personally vastly prefer the honking sound of a flock of Canada Geese landing nearby to the roar of the float plane engines signalling the start of a new day.

Done properly, the savvy charter operator can even leverage the presence of wildlife to create a revenue-stream. My own brainstorm was to conduct outboard goose races using stale breadcrumbs, and my buddy Drew gets more action from taming swans and geese than one would initially surmise.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 7:33 PM on March 27, 2012


I do not get the goose hate. I've been around a few hundred and it's live and let live as far as I can tell. If you approach one like it's a cute doggie and you want to pet it I can imagine how that might be a problem. It is a wild animal.

Leave wild animals the fuck alone.
posted by bukvich at 8:09 PM on March 27, 2012


That video is crying out for lightsabers to be composited in.
posted by jamaro at 8:17 PM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: The half inch of shit covering every outdoor surface of my childhood home.
posted by PueExMachina at 8:37 PM on March 27, 2012


Fucking 'ell Rafa's let himself go.
posted by fullerine at 8:57 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's mating season so geese can be very territorial if there's a nesting female nearby. I've never understood people's fear of geese. Their bite feels like a pinch and they can easily be grabbed by the neck and "redirected."

Now, if you piss off a heron or crane they will poke large bloody holes in you until you finally pass out from loss of blood.
posted by photoslob at 9:08 PM on March 27, 2012


My little sister had a pet duck that became a raccoon or fox's dinner. So my father and I went down to the feed store to get her a new duckling for Easter. Unfortunately, they were fresh out of them, so they sold us a pair of goslings. Big mistake. Those things were the worst pets ever. They used to scare the dog by chasing it around, and that gawd-awful hissing!
posted by pashdown at 9:16 PM on March 27, 2012


I knew a domesticated grey goose which was horribly, unaccountably sexist. It was fine with men, but should a woman show her knees in its presence it would attack them. Long pants were fine; men were fine; just no women in shorts or skirts. Geese are assholes (whether wild or domesticated.)
posted by gusandrews at 9:24 PM on March 27, 2012


My dog loves to chase wild geese, but she's discovered that sometimes if you chase long after a goose, the goose chases also after you.
posted by drlith at 3:49 AM on March 28, 2012


Canada Geese may have been "wildlife" back when they were actually migratory. Now they're not even varmints, they're vermin.
posted by whuppy at 6:52 AM on March 28, 2012


Similarly, previously.
posted by Decani at 7:07 AM on March 28, 2012


Thanks, now I don't have to self-link! (Everybody should check that thread for Decani's own delightful goose story, too.)
posted by Gator at 7:17 AM on March 28, 2012


Someday they will team up with the ostriches and rise up against us. Unless, that is, we fight back.

Do your part. Roast a goose. Eat an ostrich burger. Stop the avian conspiracy... before it comes for you.
posted by NoraReed at 7:55 AM on March 28, 2012


Geese are assholes indeed, one day while riding my bike to work I apparently passed too close to a group of them that had goslings. One of them launched itself into the street at me. Let me tell you, when 10 pounds of bird slams full into your torso from the side while on a bike you go down hard and fast.
Then you panic because you are on the ground with the bike on top of you and now the bird is taller than you and wants to bite your face, despite the fact that both of you are now lying in traffic.
Fuck those motherfuckers.
posted by MrBobaFett at 8:14 AM on March 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Videos like this make me just a little bit prouder that the town I live/work in has a "Goose Management Policy" that makes it a violation of town by-laws to feed these giant vermin, and also includes oiling their eggs to prevent them from hatching.
posted by antifuse at 1:04 PM on April 16, 2012


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