August 24, 2012 3:49 PM   Subscribe

Sometimes, you just have to get the kids and wife together and yell at spiders.

"My charge to you is to go out while there are still a few straggling spiders in the yard. Find one in a web and scare the hell out of it. Yell at the top of your lungs. Your neighbors will think you’ve lost your mind, but the joke’s on them because you will know you are enjoying the emerging movement of people who enjoy screaming not because of, but AT arachnids. You’re a pioneer in the sport of Spider Yelling. Yell loudly and yell proudly."
posted by lazaruslong (56 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
This is out and out spider abuse.

I hope this bigot is happy when a clawed cave spider drops by to ask him what the hell he thinks he is doing.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:52 PM on August 24, 2012 [8 favorites]

My partner does this, but it's more like a terrified screaming and screeching sound that makes me lift up my forearms in defense, put them over my ears, and instinctively look for the nearest bit of toilet paper to do my husbandly duty.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:57 PM on August 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

I am not at all sure how I feel about the recent descent into spiderfilter and madness.
posted by elizardbits at 3:59 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

The spiders will wait until you are asleep, crawl up on your pillow, and scream in your ear.

Yeah. Screaming spiders. Spiders. that. scream. Sleep tight.
posted by scruss at 4:02 PM on August 24, 2012 [7 favorites]

I got in a staring match with a jumping spider earlier today. I suspect it was just looking at me to make sure I wasn't going to try to eat it, but it felt like he was trying to decide if he should eat me or not.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 4:04 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Pshaw elizardbits I've been postin' bout spiders since spiders were spiders but I am glad they are a frequent blue subject. Spiders are so freakin' cool.
posted by lazaruslong at 4:06 PM on August 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Wait until all the spiders finally go "You know? Fuck this noise." and all leave Planet Earth simultaneously, along with their bug and lizard killing capabilities. Then the screaming will really begin!

(No, I'm not afraid of spiders. In fact, I'll sit and talk to the tiny one on my wall. Beetles, OTOH? Oh HELL no.)
posted by spinifex23 at 4:11 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was rooting for the spider to launch up from the web and attach itself to that jerk's punim, face-hugger style.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:14 PM on August 24, 2012 [7 favorites]

Yeah, I'm pretty much Team Spider here.
posted by spinifex23 at 4:16 PM on August 24, 2012 [10 favorites]

I salvaged a long-legged spider with what looked like a huge egg sac hanging off its cephalothorax from a box of books yesterday. When I dropped it into the grass/leaves outside, I started to watch as it clambered over some clover, its front legs gently testing each area in its new environment before it began pulling itself forward, shifting and bending the middle and rear legs to adjust to the different heights of the groundstuff around it. It was beautiful - a perfectly designed clambering machine - and I thought "no wonder the military robot folks like this design so much." The closer I looked the more scifi amazing the scene got, until I was on my hands and knees with my head 6 inches off the ground, just watching and watching and watching...

Five minutes later, I pulled myself away with a sudden "oh fuck!"

My boss totally understood.
posted by mediareport at 4:20 PM on August 24, 2012 [11 favorites]

I am not at all sure how I feel about the recent descent into spiderfilter and madness

I'm pretty sure I started it so I'm ok with it.

srsly all the spider stuff happened after that
posted by sweetkid at 4:27 PM on August 24, 2012

A day without spiders is a day without awesomeness.
posted by Huck500 at 4:47 PM on August 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

The opposing team in my house is Team House Centipede, so. You're damn right I'm on Team Spider.
posted by mhoye at 4:51 PM on August 24, 2012 [10 favorites]

You know the spider thing I wish I'd had the capability to capture on film back when it happened to me as a little kid? Yeah? Well, it was when I was trying to remove that hand-sized wolf spider from the kitchen sink with a cup (to put it outside) and it freakin exploded in a swarm of millions of microscopic wolf spiders that I promptly washed down the sink.

But before I did that I screamed at those spiders, like a little girl I screamed at them.
posted by carsonb at 4:56 PM on August 24, 2012 [10 favorites]

gah housipedes
posted by Doofus Magoo at 5:07 PM on August 24, 2012

Ooooo carsonb, I have one too! When I was a kid, we had one of those automatic garage door opener thingies. It had a big light source / emergency shutoff pull cord unit mounted in the ceiling of the garage. One day, I was playing in at the hoop in the driveway and walked in to get the ball. I noticed a big web up near the light / pullcord unit, and a flippin' huge egg sac. I stood there looking at it, and the fuckin' thing hatched! A million little spiders all started descending all at once and it freaked me the hell out.
posted by lazaruslong at 5:09 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

it freakin exploded in a swarm of millions of microscopic wolf spiders
Ooooo carsonb, I have one too! ... A million little spiders all started descending all at once

posted by juv3nal at 5:21 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I was cool with this until I got to the suggested videos after the clip ended. Not cool, YouTube.
posted by maryr at 5:37 PM on August 24, 2012

Wait, do scary spider stories make me a replicant or a lesbian?
posted by carsonb at 5:39 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

You know, as I typed my comment, I was thinking about that. But my Dad was there too, and witnessed it. It's a big reason why a couple years later when we were visiting my Grandpa in Arizona and I was filming a tarantula I had come across, he snuck up behind me and pinched me. Apparently I had cat-like twitch muscles, going straight vertical about 2 feet. You can hear the car horn honking in the background from my (on oxygen and elderly) grandfather laughing his ass off and banging his hand on the horn. The descending spider baby incident was laughingly referred to as "future therapy" until the tarantula incident eclipsed it.
posted by lazaruslong at 5:39 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty ambivalent toward spiders but tend to lean more toward the "pro" side. I don't love them but if they're just chilling somewhere out of the way in my apartment (near the trash, for instance), I'll let them be. If they're somewhere where I'm like OH NO YOU DON'T (like my bedroom), I'm happy to try to catch them and let them outside. I'm not trying to make them my best buddies or anything and I still find them kind of scary when I come upon them unexpectedly (and I've seen some evil gigantic ones I've gone out of my way to avoid). But I know that most of them are cool and provide an awesome service to humanity. I like spiders just hanging out more than those demon camel crickets that are in my bathroom all the time (and those don't even bite! They're just terrible!).

So this is just mean. That poor spider. She (I'm assuming it's female since a lot of the spiders we see making webs are -- I haven't looked this one up to identify it one way or the other, though) is just trying to live her life and these big scary giants come and freak her out for fun. That's not cool.

(I would like to say I'm pretty anti-bug overall, though. But I'm less anti-spider than I am other things. I agree that those house centipedes can all die.)
posted by darksong at 5:57 PM on August 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Another one of those, I didn't plan on liking this FPPs. But I couldn't help it. It's funny.
posted by Splunge at 6:08 PM on August 24, 2012

Sorry, but spider yelling is for amateurs and dilettantes. Those of us who live in tar paper shacks in the woods, and I’m sure there are many here on Metafilter, don’t have the time for such frivolity. When you have spiders crawling all over, you just curse them under your breath... fucking shitty spider, etc.
posted by Huplescat at 6:10 PM on August 24, 2012

'Tis better to light a candle than curse the spiders.
posted by Splunge at 6:11 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Why would you curse spiders? Why eould you yell at them? Spiders, even the biggest one's are smaller than us. We scare them WAY more than they can scare us.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 6:12 PM on August 24, 2012

I'm wondering how much is the yelling and how much is just the breath shaking the web. I've blown on a spider or two in my life. (Don't judge me!) And they have the same reaction. I would think that it's a reflex that a spider would have to a large predator.
posted by Splunge at 6:18 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm more into just spraying them with RAID and watching them slowly die, quivering, on the floor. Then grabbing some toilet paper, scooping them up, and putting them in the toilet. Sometimes it takes more than one flush to take down a bigger spider. That's when I feel extra manly. Spiders... been torture killing them since I could walk. Fuck em' /spider-racist
posted by gagglezoomer at 6:27 PM on August 24, 2012

I don't know. I thought it was hilarious.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 6:31 PM on August 24, 2012

Wow, I just re-read my comment and it makes me come across as like a serial killer or something. Honestly, I'm afraid to death of spiders, little tiny ones even. I am really honestly scared of them. Major arachnophobia. So I don't know what else to do.
posted by gagglezoomer at 6:33 PM on August 24, 2012

Spider's gonna need some serious therapy a few years from now.
posted by drlith at 6:34 PM on August 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Spiders freak me out, even cartoon ones, even static pictures of them, and I am *not* going to click on any of those links. However, I respect that spiders are bug-eating machines and I won't kill them. After years of trial and error I can confidently report that 7-11 super big gulp cups are perfect spider depositories: big enough that you don't risk contact, and clear enough that you know it's in there and don't risk surprises when you get outside and frantically shake it out into the wide world.
posted by headnsouth at 6:39 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Spiders are fine as long as they don't fucking touch me. As soon as they crawl on me, all bets are off.
posted by desjardins at 6:40 PM on August 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Anyone else ever read that short story -- I read it in high school -- about a guy searching some jungle or other for this huge honkin' breed of spiders that somebody'd brought in a business sample of, and this guy is walking along and ZAM he falls through the ground into this cavern, and he's like "Hmmm, like wtf, how the hell am I gonna get out of here?" cuz the cavern is deep enough he can't pull himself up and night falls and it turns out that this cavern he's fallen into is where these huge, giganda spiders frickin' LIVE, it's their home base, and zillions of them come flooding in at dusk and they're crawling all over the guy, saying hello, what are you doing in our home, it's alive with flippin' spiders and he's trapped and he's fucked and the next morning they leave, and he's trying trying trying all day to dig his way out but then it's dusk again and here they are again and it's a horror show night again and try again next daay to dig out and then ...

Not gonna go into the spoiler, I know people get all fussy here about spoilders. Did anyone else ever read that short story? It was cool.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:58 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Spiders weave stories about the rowdy ones into the Web of Memories so that future generations know which sleeping mouths can be entered for final honor. The more you know, etc
posted by passerby at 7:12 PM on August 24, 2012

Well jeez, dancestoblue, at least link the story, or give us more of a clue what it's about?

I'm with the "Look, spiders scare me too, but this is totally a dick move!". Come on, why shoutl at the poor creatures?!?

There was a small spider on my windowsill earlier today, and I just watched him for a bit, because he wasn't hurting anyone. If they're unusually big (for American spiders) or get in the wrong parts of the house, sure I'll draw the line. I do have that firm rule of "The bedroom is off limits. Attempt no landings there", and will either outright kill, or if I'm feeling charitable take outside, any spiders that get to the third floor. But the garage, or the basement? Eh, it's no skin off my teeth to leave them around.
posted by hincandenza at 7:45 PM on August 24, 2012

Aw, that's just mean and I'm not fond of spiders.
posted by deborah at 8:06 PM on August 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

listen to philip k dick, spiders are your friends
posted by ennui.bz at 8:27 PM on August 24, 2012

I used to be so scared of spiders. So much so that I sprayed myself with Deep Woods Off - in the face - to get one off my head once. But somehow the last ten years or so... I have fallen in love with them. I have to race my husband to any we see to keep him from killing them in our house. However these videos still cracked me up and I totally want to yell at spiders now.
posted by Kloryne at 8:56 PM on August 24, 2012

This may be the first Mefi post where I refused to click any links, even those in the comments.

Not one. Single. Link.
posted by bpm140 at 9:39 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I'm in the camp of, I know logically that they are my friends, but...brrrrrrr. No thank you.

I don't kill them though. I move them.
posted by gaspode at 10:01 PM on August 24, 2012

I am very sorry to state this:

A house centipede was under the dishes in my sink when I turned the very hot water on. I know that they kill the nasties. And I understand that they look nasty.

But I did not mean to scald the little critter. It should have sent me a letter. Orr maybe an email. Stating It's Purpose. And Explaining to the People in the House, the reason for Its Being There.
posted by Splunge at 10:36 PM on August 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

I bet this would go over super well while living in an apartment!

I do a similar thing with the mice in my apartment, actually. Except instead of screaming, I kick the oven (they seem to live somewhere in that vicinity most of the time). Actually briefly shuts them up.

Oh hell, I just heard one now in the corner behind me. Can I scream at mice at 10:30 on a Friday night? Or is that uncouth?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:37 PM on August 24, 2012

Well jeez, dancestoblue, at least link the story, or give us more of a clue what it's about?
I don't know who wrote it, my foogle gu is failing me here, I've often thought of doing an AskMe about it but then I always thing "Hmmm, I don't want to burn my weekly ask on this." and then I don't ask anything anyways, and time goes by, etc and etc.

So if anyone knows the story and/or the author I'd love to know -- thx!
posted by dancestoblue at 11:19 PM on August 24, 2012

But I even MeMailed you, just looking for the ending- you're leaving me hanging, here!
posted by hincandenza at 11:22 PM on August 24, 2012

Spiders are alright if outside, but inside the house they're fair game, like the one that crawled up the knife when I was sorting out the sink to do the dishes. That one got drowned.

i'm not scared of spiders perse, just don't like them and having lived with somebody who was majorly phobic about them, I sort of am not overtly pleased with them inside. Seriously, at one point when she was living in Atlanta with her then husband, she couldn't leave the bedroom because a huge fricking spider was sitting right on the light switch. In the end she shot it with an air rifle because she had to go to the bathroom

In the category of things best not to know about , when a friend of mine lived in Brazil, as a teenager, his father got the house fulmigated and he got to know exactly what lived under his bed as it returned after the fulmigation, including a huge ass spider
posted by MartinWisse at 12:33 AM on August 25, 2012

Is there where we tell stories of our fine eight-legged friends?

Generally speaking I like spiders - if I see one in a web outside I'll catch ants or flies and toss 'em into the web so they can eat, and any indoor spiders get put on a bush outside. They don't gross me out much. But.

One day I was drying my hair with a towel post-shower when I hear a sort of soft crunch near my ear. "Huh, that's funny," says I, continuing to rub my hair, "towels don't usually make that noise."

As I hang up my towel, I see a half a crushed smeary one-inch spider fall sadly out of the folds and land on the floor, legs akimbo. I look in the mirror and see the other half sticking out of my hair.

I'd say I casually strolled back into the shower but that would be a lie.
posted by zennish at 12:53 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have two spider stories:

Years ago, I went into the garage (which was attached to the house) barefoot. There was lots of junk out there, including a piece of scrap paper on the concrete floor. I don't know why it decided to run towards instead of away from me, but I was pretty startled when a Brown Recluse spider ran across that piece of paper when the light came on, making an audible pitter-patter sound as it came toward me.

In 2000, I was canoeing with a Boy Scout troop down the Buffalo River in Colorado. We slept on the rocky shores. One clear night I slept in my sleeping bag outside. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a egg-sac-carrying spider near my sleeping bag. Something told me that the eggs were right about to hatch. I don't know how I knew that. But hatch they did, within moments. Another guy had just woken up too, and he saw it. It was bizarre. I commented to him on the bizarreness of it, and then I said, "The miracle of life!"

He said, "The miracle of death!" and we quickly got to work squishing 'em.
posted by Sleeper at 2:57 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yelling at spiders is all very cute and funny... until the spiders start yelling back.
posted by WalkingAround at 3:09 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait, do scary spider stories make me a replicant or a lesbian?

Not if your body actively resists it.
posted by WalkingAround at 3:10 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

We have a ton of spiders living around, and on, our house this year, including multiple cross orbweavers, which aren't small unless they are babies. One lives outside the screen on a window in the dining room. My daughter loves them (she is about 2 1/2) and wants to day hi to them every morning and evening. I love it and love the spiders. I have also started a facebook hobby of photographing interesting bugs and putting them up on my wall. I'm always surprised by how many people are afraid of them, even in photograph form.
posted by miss tea at 3:19 AM on August 25, 2012

I will tell you what there is no team of. There is no Team Earwig. It is known.
posted by moneyjane at 3:50 AM on August 25, 2012 [6 favorites]

Those videos are even better once you realise it's actually the spider that's yelling.
posted by lucidium at 5:40 AM on August 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm cool with all bugs. But I can't stop the screaming. Was watering the plants and a fucking cockroach for some reason was eating the oregano. Scream, scream, scream, said I, dumped the plant and oregano, roach, dirt, and all went all over the floor.

Bugs are cool, humans are ridiculous, but me, I'm on Team Scream at Things that Really Fucking Surprise You and Freak You Out
posted by angrycat at 7:01 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, here's some spider retaliation for you, where dad and kids end up screaming and running.

It's a large huntsman and adorable kid and hapless well-meaning dad. Apparently later things take a sad turn as the dad breaks out the vac later.
posted by angrycat at 8:44 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I just saw this spider yesterday (but there was a piece of glass between us).
posted by DaddyNewt at 10:57 AM on August 25, 2012

The opposing team in my house is Team House Centipede, so. You're damn right I'm on Team Spider.

Goddamn it! I just survived a battle with one of those creepy fuckers. My cat who brings me live snakes for fun was just staring at it like "there's no way I'm going after that thing." WTF do I have to give the spiders to enlist their help?
posted by homunculus at 11:32 PM on August 25, 2012

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