He doesn't juggle. He doesn't twist balloons... He just stares.
September 20, 2013 8:16 AM Subscribe
Residents of the English town of Northampton have been disturbed by the recent appearance of an sinister anonymous clown. Alan Moore is probably not responsible.
What's the matter Sam, you look like you just saw a clown.
posted by The Whelk at 8:24 AM on September 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:24 AM on September 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
Are there any non-sinister clowns?
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:25 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:25 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh! That's Trevor, the Scarfolk Council Outreach And Children's Comfort representative.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:25 AM on September 20, 2013 [36 favorites]
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:25 AM on September 20, 2013 [36 favorites]
I don't like this post.
posted by elizardbits at 8:26 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 8:26 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why is this such a big deal? I've been seeing clowns like this in every town I've ever lived in since I was a kid. What's that? You people don't see them? Oh, hmm.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2013 [22 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2013 [22 favorites]
Northampton? I am actually surprised a roaming gang of vigilantes has not got to the bottom of this yet.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:27 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sinister, anonymous clowns. If not dealt with, next the Human Statue will return and be a blight on the community. And after that? Nothing but crusty jugglers.
It must be stopped. For the greater good.
posted by nubs at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013 [24 favorites]
It must be stopped. For the greater good.
posted by nubs at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013 [24 favorites]
Being a masochist, I would love seeing something like this around Halloween. But I don't know if a scary clown - is that redundant? - would raise many eyebrows in NYC.
posted by imnotasquirrel at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by imnotasquirrel at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013
Sounds like the guy just did it because he was bored. The whole story is fairly illustrative of what life in England is like once you get out of London. When you guys read stories of how, at autopsy, Londoners' lungs are as blackened as heavy smokers', or of people renting piss-soaked airing cupboards for £1000 pcm, you probably wonder why anybody stays in London. This is why.
posted by Acheman at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013 [29 favorites]
posted by Acheman at 8:31 AM on September 20, 2013 [29 favorites]
Wait, there is a clown that's not on Twitter?
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:32 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:32 AM on September 20, 2013
Earlier this week he said on his Facebook site: “Too much hate not enough love.
CAN'T SLEEP CLOWN'LL TWEET ME
posted by retronic at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2013 [27 favorites]
CAN'T SLEEP CLOWN'LL TWEET ME
posted by retronic at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2013 [27 favorites]
Who's your little whosits? Who's your little turtle dove? Who's your little whosits? Who do you love?
posted by boo_radley at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by boo_radley at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
He has also been forced to deny via his Facebook page that he had been carrying a knife after false rumours spread on social networks.
... so, at least he's on Facebook. And don't worry, he won't tweet you. Twitter confuses the heck out of him.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
... so, at least he's on Facebook. And don't worry, he won't tweet you. Twitter confuses the heck out of him.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Just some harmless fun" he said, through a blood-red smile, his white eyes staring soullessly into forever.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Though I can't check it at the moment, this appears to be the "Spot Northampton's Clown" Facebook page.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:36 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by filthy light thief at 8:36 AM on September 20, 2013
FULL TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW
When did you start dressing up as a clown?
In 1715, when i first realised many people in the world were afraid of clowns.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:36 AM on September 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
When did you start dressing up as a clown?
In 1715, when i first realised many people in the world were afraid of clowns.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:36 AM on September 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
I enjoy the 21st century's attempt to become all fiction at once.
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
Sadly, the member of the local police force who would have taken care of this clown has moved on, but you should have seen him. He had this great big bushy beard!
posted by Slackermagee at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Slackermagee at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Night Vale is leaking.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
My actual fear is that he's just a bunch of angry drunkards and/or panic parents away from a beating that will put him in the local hospital for a long while.
posted by Iosephus at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Iosephus at 8:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
"There's nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight pretty much anywhere, at any time, in real life." - Lon Chaney, Sr. with minor amendment.
posted by kewb at 8:38 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by kewb at 8:38 AM on September 20, 2013
... A clown will not glass me and throw me in the basement ...
(Coincidentally, "Clown And Out," from Animaniacs episode 34, is paired with "Bubba Bo Bob Brain," the one where Brain tries to be a Country star like Billy Ray Cyrus. I guess you could say that clowning is in Miley's blood.)
posted by octobersurprise at 8:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
(Coincidentally, "Clown And Out," from Animaniacs episode 34, is paired with "Bubba Bo Bob Brain," the one where Brain tries to be a Country star like Billy Ray Cyrus. I guess you could say that clowning is in Miley's blood.)
posted by octobersurprise at 8:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
And now, the weather.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
While we're here, can I also inveigh against metallic-painted "living statue" performers?
* crosses street *
* crosses self *
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
* crosses street *
* crosses self *
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have no doubt in my mind that the clown is somehow tied to this short film. Same exact outfit and that blue garage door also appears.
posted by orme at 8:41 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by orme at 8:41 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd honestly be less scared of an enormous Lovecraftian spider.
posted by griphus at 8:45 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 8:45 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
griphus: "I'd honestly be less scared of an enormous Lovecraftian spider."
Good news!
posted by boo_radley at 8:45 AM on September 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
Good news!
posted by boo_radley at 8:45 AM on September 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
Night Vale is leaking.
It's more accurate to say we're showing cracks.
posted by The Whelk at 8:46 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's more accurate to say we're showing cracks.
posted by The Whelk at 8:46 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
CAN'T SLEEP CLOWN'LL TWEET ME
Sigh. The Clown is not on Twitter. The Clown is on FaceBook. The Clown will Friend you!
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:46 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Sigh. The Clown is not on Twitter. The Clown is on FaceBook. The Clown will Friend you!
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:46 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Be a clowns friend
This is not a request
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on September 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
This is not a request
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on September 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
It's the lurking in the shadows part that is the most upsetting. CAN U NOT
posted by elizardbits at 8:48 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 8:48 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
counterpoint: I loved clowns as a kid as I found them funny. I still do.
Maybe because I share their loathing of mimes.
posted by philip-random at 8:49 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Maybe because I share their loathing of mimes.
posted by philip-random at 8:49 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Its getting so an honest man can't lurk in the shadows watching and waiting in the pale moonlight anymore!
posted by The Whelk at 8:50 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:50 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
No.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2013
Whuck?
posted by jimmythefish at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jimmythefish at 8:51 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
"People across the world have been gripped by the story of the clown..."
Pythagoras and I have some news for you, buddy.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 8:53 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Pythagoras and I have some news for you, buddy.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 8:53 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
They all float down here.
I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the comments on that video are even more disturbing than the clown.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:54 AM on September 20, 2013
I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the comments on that video are even more disturbing than the clown.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:54 AM on September 20, 2013
Last year I decided that for Halloween this year, one of my bars' decorations would be clowns, nothing but clowns. Dozens and dozens of clowns. Clowns everywhere.
They have been slowly making their way to my doorstep over the past few weeks, purchased from various places online, ready to begin their Halloween season duty.
Also from the article I learned a new word that I can use as a warning on the front door: "coulrophobic triggers within".
posted by newpotato at 8:55 AM on September 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
This just in newpotato in league with all the forces of hell
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Being a masochist, I would love seeing something like this around Halloween.
Yeeeeeah, maybe. And maybe not.
Two or three years ago, I was out running errands with my husband on Halloween morning. At noon, standing in the print shop, I glanced out the window and saw a figure walking on the sidewalk across the way. He wore a plain dark suit and the traditional bald-headed clown white. In one of his white-gloved hands, he clasped the string of a red balloon, which bounced jauntily as he strolled through the bright, crisp October day.
Thanks to the angle of the street, I never saw his face, only the faces of other pedestrians as he walked toward them --- and as they either froze in place or stepped out of the way or, in one case, turned the corner and immediately turned back and chose another direction.
I nudged The Fella, who glanced out the window. "Hmm? OH. YEEEESH." We stood and watched him in silence as he crossed the street and walked out of sight. I spent the entire time certain that he would abruptly turn and flourish a big sharp smile in our direction, that the distance and the plate glass window would not protect us.
The rest of the day, as we ran errands around our small city, I braced myself every time we turned a corner or entered a building.
That's the single most effective costume I ever saw, maybe because I never saw his face. Every so often, I just think of him out of the blue. And I know The Fella does, too.
Last time we talked about it, it took no prompting:
ME: Remember last Halloween? The guy?
THE FELLA: Oh, the clown. Don't like it. Noooo.
WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE
posted by Elsa at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2013 [22 favorites]
Yeeeeeah, maybe. And maybe not.
Two or three years ago, I was out running errands with my husband on Halloween morning. At noon, standing in the print shop, I glanced out the window and saw a figure walking on the sidewalk across the way. He wore a plain dark suit and the traditional bald-headed clown white. In one of his white-gloved hands, he clasped the string of a red balloon, which bounced jauntily as he strolled through the bright, crisp October day.
Thanks to the angle of the street, I never saw his face, only the faces of other pedestrians as he walked toward them --- and as they either froze in place or stepped out of the way or, in one case, turned the corner and immediately turned back and chose another direction.
I nudged The Fella, who glanced out the window. "Hmm? OH. YEEEESH." We stood and watched him in silence as he crossed the street and walked out of sight. I spent the entire time certain that he would abruptly turn and flourish a big sharp smile in our direction, that the distance and the plate glass window would not protect us.
The rest of the day, as we ran errands around our small city, I braced myself every time we turned a corner or entered a building.
That's the single most effective costume I ever saw, maybe because I never saw his face. Every so often, I just think of him out of the blue. And I know The Fella does, too.
Last time we talked about it, it took no prompting:
ME: Remember last Halloween? The guy?
THE FELLA: Oh, the clown. Don't like it. Noooo.
WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE
posted by Elsa at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2013 [22 favorites]
My actual fear is that he's just a bunch of angry drunkards and/or panic parents away from a beating...
My actual fear is that he's just a bunch of angry, smaller clowns stuffed into a large clown suit, and if you were to puncture his outer coating, all those pygmy clowns would start spilling out all over the place.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:02 AM on September 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
My actual fear is that he's just a bunch of angry, smaller clowns stuffed into a large clown suit, and if you were to puncture his outer coating, all those pygmy clowns would start spilling out all over the place.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:02 AM on September 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
I spent the entire time certain that he would abruptly turn and flourish a big sharp smile in our direction, that the distance and the plate glass window would not protect us.
The Leviathans a few years back on Supernatural did that terrible eldritch horror toothy smile thing that is a very accurate depiction of how I automatically assume all clown encounters will reach their monstrous crescendo.
posted by elizardbits at 9:03 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
The Leviathans a few years back on Supernatural did that terrible eldritch horror toothy smile thing that is a very accurate depiction of how I automatically assume all clown encounters will reach their monstrous crescendo.
posted by elizardbits at 9:03 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
AND INSIDE EACH OF THOSE PYGMY CLOWN SUITS ARE ONE MILLION SPIDERS
posted by elizardbits at 9:04 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 9:04 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
BABY SPIDERS IN CLOWN PAINT
SOOOOO CUTE
posted by Elsa at 9:05 AM on September 20, 2013 [13 favorites]
SOOOOO CUTE
posted by Elsa at 9:05 AM on September 20, 2013 [13 favorites]
no they're in wash-n-wear poly-blend pantsuits
posted by elizardbits at 9:07 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 9:07 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
For some reason I find the notion of a recursive clown worthy of being one of Nyarlathothep's Masks.
posted by Iosephus at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by Iosephus at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2013
but their tiny spidey faces with all the eyes are painted painted painted with sad-clown paint
at least that's how baby spiders dress up around here
it's pretty cute really
posted by Elsa at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
at least that's how baby spiders dress up around here
it's pretty cute really
posted by Elsa at 9:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
(Hey, if you're scared of clowns or of spiders, prob'ly don't Google "spider clown" but you knew that, right?)
posted by Elsa at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Elsa at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Elsa, I'm jealous. I want to run into a creepy clown who may or may not want to kill me.
posted by imnotasquirrel at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by imnotasquirrel at 9:10 AM on September 20, 2013
YOU WILL.
posted by Elsa at 9:11 AM on September 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by Elsa at 9:11 AM on September 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
imnotasquirrel: "Elsa, I'm jealous. I want to run into a creepy clown who may or may not want to kill me."
What's your tonight look like? Let's talk.
posted by boo_radley at 9:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
What's your tonight look like? Let's talk.
posted by boo_radley at 9:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Elsa, I'm jealous. I want to run into a creepy clown who may or may not want to kill me.
Turn around.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
Turn around.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:17 AM on September 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
Witnesses saw the clown while they were walking on the ground, not making a sound.
posted by dr_dank at 9:18 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 9:18 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
You guys are just setting me up for disappointment for when I do turn around and there's no clown.
Well, I suppose if the clown won't come to me, I can bring the clown to the people. BRB, looking up clown masks on Amazon...
posted by imnotasquirrel at 9:22 AM on September 20, 2013
Well, I suppose if the clown won't come to me, I can bring the clown to the people. BRB, looking up clown masks on Amazon...
posted by imnotasquirrel at 9:22 AM on September 20, 2013
Turn around.
bright eyes
ev'ry now and then i fall apart
like, literally. Could you hand me that finger?
posted by Elsa at 9:23 AM on September 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
bright eyes
ev'ry now and then i fall apart
like, literally. Could you hand me that finger?
posted by Elsa at 9:23 AM on September 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Maybe it's a local clown for local people.
posted by The Whelk at 9:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 9:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
First they came for the clowns,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a clown.
Then they came for the mimes,
and I didn't speak out because I was a mime.
posted by not_on_display at 9:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [38 favorites]
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a clown.
Then they came for the mimes,
and I didn't speak out because I was a mime.
posted by not_on_display at 9:35 AM on September 20, 2013 [38 favorites]
I am now imagining the alternative reality where, in the Village of Clowns, headlines read "Creepy Guy Not Wearing Makeup Looking at People."
I would like living in that world.
Well, except for the clowns.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:36 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would like living in that world.
Well, except for the clowns.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:36 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Whew! For a second there, I thought he was in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is only 400 miles away.
posted by itstheclamsname at 9:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by itstheclamsname at 9:37 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
he's probably a representative of the Birthday Clown Consortium.
posted by Wemmick at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Wemmick at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
People sure come up with some silly things to fear.
Next up, children slowly singing nursery songs.
Ow, I think I just sprained my eye-rolling muscles.
posted by sonascope at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Next up, children slowly singing nursery songs.
Ow, I think I just sprained my eye-rolling muscles.
posted by sonascope at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
...in the grim darkness of the creepy clown, there is only... "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows!"
posted by blue_beetle at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by blue_beetle at 9:38 AM on September 20, 2013
There should be a regular column in the Northampton Herald & Post "Alan Moore Noes Thee Score" where Alan dispenses occult wisdom about the week's more suggestive abstruse events all the while carefully denying responsibility using words which only hold up if the readers' concept of reality stands true. That would be cool.
Also: he should totes stop restitching the world's weave to cause clowns.
posted by comealongpole at 9:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
Also: he should totes stop restitching the world's weave to cause clowns.
posted by comealongpole at 9:39 AM on September 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
...in the grim darkness of the creepy clown, there is only... "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows!"
That song is not creepy at all. In fact, it goes perfectly with a sexy foot fetishy blessing of art-crazed bicyclists by a bearish drag nun with a zippy dance number at the end (wait for it).
Unless you're saying I'm a creepy clown, in which case my eyes have just narrowed slightly, but only just.
posted by sonascope at 9:47 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
That song is not creepy at all. In fact, it goes perfectly with a sexy foot fetishy blessing of art-crazed bicyclists by a bearish drag nun with a zippy dance number at the end (wait for it).
Unless you're saying I'm a creepy clown, in which case my eyes have just narrowed slightly, but only just.
posted by sonascope at 9:47 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Next up, children slowly singing nursery songs.
Y'know, the perfect accompaniment for him standing alone in the middle of a deserted gray twilit street staring at you is the sound of children's voices slowly and quietly going "na... na-na... na-na... na." over and over again from all around but you can't see them.
Wait, that was in "Miri" from Star Trek. But it would work here.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:50 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Y'know, the perfect accompaniment for him standing alone in the middle of a deserted gray twilit street staring at you is the sound of children's voices slowly and quietly going "na... na-na... na-na... na." over and over again from all around but you can't see them.
Wait, that was in "Miri" from Star Trek. But it would work here.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:50 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Crispin Glover has a song about clowns.
Crispin Glover ain't right.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 9:55 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Crispin Glover ain't right.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 9:55 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
recursive clown worthy
My new catch phrase.
There should be a regular column in the Northampton Herald & Post "Alan Moore Noes Thee Score" where Alan dispenses occult wisdom about the week's more suggestive abstruse events all the while carefully denying responsibility using words which only hold up if the readers' concept of reality stands true.
I can dig it.
posted by bongo_x at 9:56 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
My new catch phrase.
There should be a regular column in the Northampton Herald & Post "Alan Moore Noes Thee Score" where Alan dispenses occult wisdom about the week's more suggestive abstruse events all the while carefully denying responsibility using words which only hold up if the readers' concept of reality stands true.
I can dig it.
posted by bongo_x at 9:56 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I want a big red nose. I want some floppy shoes. I wanna a squirtin flower, and squirt it on you. Like all the bad clowns do. Carney Man
posted by vozworth at 9:57 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by vozworth at 9:57 AM on September 20, 2013
Maybe there's nothing wrong with clowns. Maybe. But do we really want to take the chance?
posted by tommasz at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by tommasz at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2013
For a thing to be scary is just a matter of context.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:02 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:02 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Confused, drunk and disorderly, angry at the world and ready to share that with random passersby, vomit encrusted bib and something unsavoury darkening my crotch and pantsleg. Rolling around near the dumpsters in the back, not injured at least not physically but moaning as though something is very very wrong.
Attempts to engage will result in screams, incoherent and threatening.
I will have balloons for the children, and sweets!
Oh no, when I finally do my clown schtick it isn't going to be quiet and discreet, no sir. The police will be involved.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:06 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Attempts to engage will result in screams, incoherent and threatening.
I will have balloons for the children, and sweets!
Oh no, when I finally do my clown schtick it isn't going to be quiet and discreet, no sir. The police will be involved.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:06 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
And a rolling IV stand, and a hospital bracelet.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Meatbomb at 10:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Say what you will about this clown but at least you know his size 16 shoes will be properly made.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:11 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by MuffinMan at 10:11 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
The Leviathans a few years back on Supernatural did that terrible eldritch horror toothy smile thing that is a very accurate depiction of how I automatically assume all clown encounters will reach their monstrous crescendo.
Don't be silly. Clown smiles, apart from the makeup, are completely and perfectly normal up until the point where the lips part and out pour the ichorous Many-Angled Ones whose ululating voices speak only lies in the key of childrens' screams.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:12 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't be silly. Clown smiles, apart from the makeup, are completely and perfectly normal up until the point where the lips part and out pour the ichorous Many-Angled Ones whose ululating voices speak only lies in the key of childrens' screams.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:12 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
The creepiest Stephen King monster for me was the vampire in 'Salem's Lot with razor blades for teeth, although the kid in Pet Semetary (once again with razor blades) is a close second.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:12 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by KokuRyu at 10:12 AM on September 20, 2013
The newspaper also reports that the clown knocked on someone's door and offered to paint their window sills despite having no painting equipment.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
MuffinMan
I sense a whimsical English High Street bias at play here.
posted by The Whelk at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I sense a whimsical English High Street bias at play here.
posted by The Whelk at 10:15 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
The newspaper also reports that the clown knocked on someone's door and offered to paint their window sills despite having no painting equipment.
If this took place in France instead of England I would assume the clown in question was a mefite.
posted by elizardbits at 10:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
If this took place in France instead of England I would assume the clown in question was a mefite.
posted by elizardbits at 10:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Holy shit, that picture of the clown lurking in the dark. There is not enough NO in the world. Pretty sure if I saw that outside my apartment, I would call the cops and sound like a hysterical crazy person: "THERE IS A CLOWN LURKING IN THE DARK OUTSIDE, PLEASE DISPATCH YOUR FINEST OFFICERS IMMEDIATELY TO EXORCISE IT."
The newspaper also reports that the clown knocked on someone's door and offered to paint their window sills despite having no painting equipment.
Also if this happened to me, I would instantly be plunged into existential dread wondering if my life had turned into a horror movie. What are the appropriate wards against evil clowns, anyway? My genre-savviness does not extend to monster clowns.
posted by yasaman at 10:21 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
The newspaper also reports that the clown knocked on someone's door and offered to paint their window sills despite having no painting equipment.
Also if this happened to me, I would instantly be plunged into existential dread wondering if my life had turned into a horror movie. What are the appropriate wards against evil clowns, anyway? My genre-savviness does not extend to monster clowns.
posted by yasaman at 10:21 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
What are the appropriate wards against evil clowns, anyway?
you find the children's drawings that are coming to life and you burn them obvs.
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
you find the children's drawings that are coming to life and you burn them obvs.
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
elizardbits: "AND INSIDE EACH OF THOSE PYGMY CLOWN SUITS ARE ONE MILLION SPIDERS"
and in each of the spiders is one million clown larvae.
posted by boo_radley at 10:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
and in each of the spiders is one million clown larvae.
posted by boo_radley at 10:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Dozens and dozens of clowns. Clowns everywhere. They have been slowly making their way to my doorstep over the past few weeks
This remark, stripped away from its context, reads like a writing prompt from Hell.
I mean, Clown Hell, obviously, as if there's another kind.
posted by Elsa at 10:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This remark, stripped away from its context, reads like a writing prompt from Hell.
I mean, Clown Hell, obviously, as if there's another kind.
posted by Elsa at 10:28 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
More scary than a lurking clown is a cloaked figure which is featureless but for one fleshy not quite human hand attached to a jiggling stick. That's Ashland OR for you
posted by angrycat at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by angrycat at 10:41 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is a jiggling stick just a stick that jiggles or does it have a more defined (and more sinister) purpose?
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on September 20, 2013
This is hilarious, I love it. "Too much hate not enough love," he says. Yeah, I'm sure you expected lots of "love" hanging out in the dark in a clown suit staring people down, you creepy fucker. God bless you.
posted by Hoopo at 10:51 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Hoopo at 10:51 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
It was a solid stick jiggled by whatever malevolent force that was stalking me and my hysterically giggling pre teen friends
posted by angrycat at 11:00 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by angrycat at 11:00 AM on September 20, 2013
The creepiest Stephen King monster for me was the vampire in 'Salem's Lot with razor blades for teeth
Can you imagine how frustrating it is to have razor blades for teeth? I mean, what happens if you get spinach stuck in there? And flossing? Forget about it.
The tongue-guard at night is the worst.
posted by zippy at 11:03 AM on September 20, 2013
Can you imagine how frustrating it is to have razor blades for teeth? I mean, what happens if you get spinach stuck in there? And flossing? Forget about it.
The tongue-guard at night is the worst.
posted by zippy at 11:03 AM on September 20, 2013
LoOkS lIkE tHe WiCkEd MoThErFuCkInG. sUbJuGgUlAtOrS. hAvE aRrIvEd. honk. HONK. :o)
posted by emmtee at 11:05 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by emmtee at 11:05 AM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Alan Moore is probably not responsible.
Well, of course not. Alan Moore would never do something so simple as a mere clown; if he were behind this it'd be a nine-headed verdegris yak with faintly crinkly fur who continuously whispered the Popul Vuh or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, of course not. Alan Moore would never do something so simple as a mere clown; if he were behind this it'd be a nine-headed verdegris yak with faintly crinkly fur who continuously whispered the Popul Vuh or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
The tongue-guard at night is the worst.
Don't be ridiculous. Razormaw clowns are nocturnal.
posted by Elsa at 11:08 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't be ridiculous. Razormaw clowns are nocturnal.
posted by Elsa at 11:08 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
For those people scared by menacing clowns on their streets, a self defence tip: if cornered, you can quickly disable your assailant by going for the juggler.
posted by MuffinMan at 11:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by MuffinMan at 11:09 AM on September 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
Sadie Doyle from The Thrilling Adventure Hour's Beyond Belief excellent podcast has expunged most of my horror clown/spider issues brought on by It. 'CLINK!"
posted by jeribus at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jeribus at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
children slowly singing nursery song
We call them bloodening children in our household.
posted by arcticseal at 11:19 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
We call them bloodening children in our household.
posted by arcticseal at 11:19 AM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I like that this is currently the number two story on the Northampton Chronicle website, ahead of "Vets and dentists could spot crime, says Commissioner Simmonds", but just below "Poundland to open new store on Northampton retail park".
posted by rollick at 11:26 AM on September 20, 2013
posted by rollick at 11:26 AM on September 20, 2013
What time is it in Northampton?
Clearly, Crazy Clown Time!
posted by rock swoon has no past at 11:42 AM on September 20, 2013
Clearly, Crazy Clown Time!
posted by rock swoon has no past at 11:42 AM on September 20, 2013
If we don't come down hard on these clowns, we are going to be up to our balls in jugglers!
posted by Sandor Clegane at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2013
posted by Sandor Clegane at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2013
you probably wonder why anybody stays in London. This is why.
I was just reading this thread about the clown and the comments were so true to your own, the whole thing was making me laugh and laugh:
Wow, it's so boring there people turn into psychopaths.
I take it you don't visit Thurrock regularly.
Did I make the right choice by going elsewhere?
Unless you went to Stoke instead. That's shit too.
Live in Stoke, can confirm.
What business is there to do in Southport though, seriously
The business of leaving.
posted by jamesonandwater at 12:12 PM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was just reading this thread about the clown and the comments were so true to your own, the whole thing was making me laugh and laugh:
Wow, it's so boring there people turn into psychopaths.
I take it you don't visit Thurrock regularly.
Did I make the right choice by going elsewhere?
Unless you went to Stoke instead. That's shit too.
Live in Stoke, can confirm.
What business is there to do in Southport though, seriously
The business of leaving.
posted by jamesonandwater at 12:12 PM on September 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
WAKE UP AMERICA
This is what psychopaths look like in countries with gun control.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:04 PM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is what psychopaths look like in countries with gun control.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:04 PM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
griphus: "I'd honestly be less scared of an enormous Lovecraftian spider."
Good news!
DO NOT go into any tunnels beneath or in the vicinity of Alan Moores house.
posted by Artw at 3:43 PM on September 20, 2013
Good news!
DO NOT go into any tunnels beneath or in the vicinity of Alan Moores house.
posted by Artw at 3:43 PM on September 20, 2013
One thing I've glad of, as my country continues to turn to shite and everything from telly to shops to pubs to, well everything, gets blanded out and homogenised the odd Great British Eccentric is still around
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:22 PM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:22 PM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do not understand the clenched, shrill fear of clowns, but also do not understand people who can say with a straight face that living outside of London is just oh-so-soul-crushingly boring. But then I live in Northants, so I wouldn't.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:07 PM on September 20, 2013
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:07 PM on September 20, 2013
There should be a regular column in the Northampton Herald & Post "Alan Moore Noes Thee Score" where Alan dispenses occult wisdom about the week's more suggestive abstruse events all the while carefully denying responsibility using words which only hold up if the readers' concept of reality stands true. That would be cool.
I've just realised that's pretty much what Dodgem Logic was
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:43 AM on September 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've just realised that's pretty much what Dodgem Logic was
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:43 AM on September 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
CLOWN. I warrant you, sir; let me alone.
He's just this clown, you know?
posted by h00py at 5:21 AM on September 21, 2013
He's just this clown, you know?
posted by h00py at 5:21 AM on September 21, 2013
I've just realised that's pretty much what Dodgem Logic was
Plus the odd weird-ass pr0n page from Kevin O'Neill.
posted by Artw at 6:24 AM on September 21, 2013
Plus the odd weird-ass pr0n page from Kevin O'Neill.
posted by Artw at 6:24 AM on September 21, 2013
Carrickfergus 'killer clown' turns himself in
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:43 AM on September 27, 2013
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:43 AM on September 27, 2013
Welcome to clown-engine time.
posted by rollick at 2:45 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by rollick at 2:45 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Someone at work pointed out that it's been 27 years since the publication of IT (27 years being the time between clown awakenings in the novel).
posted by rollick at 2:50 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by rollick at 2:50 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by palomar at 8:18 AM on September 20, 2013 [15 favorites]