People interested in murder are a naive and trusting lot
November 4, 2013 2:47 PM   Subscribe

Say you want someone, you know, eliminated —a lover, a business partner, a mother-in-law. There are guys out there who will do that. For a price. Then there's another kind of guy. A guy who looks and acts just like a regular hit man. Prison tats, do-rag. But instead of doing the job, he turns sides and then you realize that you were his target all along. Oops, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman.
posted by Ghostride The Whip (179 comments total) 40 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oh god, I love the title of this. It was making me snicker quite a lot.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:53 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Dude, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman!"

*shenanigans*
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:54 PM on November 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


I have often wondered how you would go about hiring a hit man. Not, I hasten to add, because I've had occasion to hire one, but more because it seems like such a ... problematic thing to broadcast, "I will pay somebody to kill for me."
posted by gauche at 2:54 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's easy enough to find a hitmans, gauche. Just hang around a bar until a bad dude comes in with "HIT" and "MAN" tattooed on his proximals. Chances are, he's your guy, or could at least refer you.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:57 PM on November 4, 2013 [9 favorites]


I do wish this sort of article used the inverted pyramid news form instead of the anecdote / atmosphere / narrative / get to the point on page 4 of 6 feature form.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:58 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I wonder if this kind of undercover work has filtered out any even halfway reasonable person who would want the services of a hit man. They're causing that portion of humanity to evolve into an ever more gullible form.
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:59 PM on November 4, 2013


Always check references.
posted by IndigoJones at 3:01 PM on November 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


I wonder if it's like spammers deliberately using shitty, shifty, sketchy looking material to filter out anyone who might not fall for it.
posted by The Whelk at 3:03 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Lucero told the hit man to meet him behind the Loaf 'N Jug" might be my favourite opening half-sentence of all time. If only it accompanied my favourite headline of all time.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:03 PM on November 4, 2013 [20 favorites]


If you want the job done right, do it yourself. Metafilter can help.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:05 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


From what I hear, Silk Road used to have these guys advertising their services in exchange for Bitcoins. Maybe that's how they caught the founder.
posted by Apocryphon at 3:08 PM on November 4, 2013


"I have often wondered how you would go about hiring a hit man. Not, I hasten to add, because I've had occasion to hire one, but more because it seems like such a ... problematic thing to broadcast, "I will pay somebody to kill for me.""

In one of the Silk Road threads somebody came up with an algorithm that sounds plausible for any kind of illegal activity. You identify your sketchiest friend who lives closest to the edge of the law, and tell them what you need, and then they talk to their sketchiest friend, who talks to their sketchiest friend... And so on, until it gets to somebody willing to do the job. Or in this case, a cop pretending to do the job.
posted by Kevin Street at 3:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


Even if it wasn't extremely likely that any self-described hit man was actually an undercover cop, it also seems like it would be highly likely that a hit man would blackmail you, or accept a higher offer from the intended target, or otherwise make a bigger mess of things.

It just doesn't seem to make any logical sense to hire a hit man at all. A hit man has numerous means and motives to harm you, and very little incentive to help you. I mean, hell, what are you going to do? Sue him? Give him a bad review on Yelp? Kill him? (If you were capable of that, then why hire him in the first place?)
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [17 favorites]


It is impossible to know how many of the 6,000 unsolved murders that occur in the U.S. each year are the result of real hits by real hit men.

How many *solved* murders are there avery year in the US? What percentage of those are by hit men?
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 3:10 PM on November 4, 2013 [14 favorites]


I like to imagine that posing as a hit man to catch potential killers is Bruce Wayne's other hobby.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:14 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is one of the benefits of growing up in a shitty neighborhood — I know exactly who I would talk to if I needed someone murdered. A couple months ago, it would have been his older brother, but now that guy's awaiting trial for murdering someone.
posted by klangklangston at 3:18 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


I know exactly who I would talk to if I needed someone murdered.

*Note to self: don't cross klang.
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:20 PM on November 4, 2013 [37 favorites]


Okay. awkward.
posted by The Whelk at 3:22 PM on November 4, 2013 [19 favorites]


Did they ever investigate the guy the teacher suspected was molesting her grandchild? I sure hope so.
posted by tommasz at 3:23 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Back in the 80s I read Soldier Of Fortune Magazine as a jr high student, and the classified ads in the back always had ads from "experienced" persons looking for travel and adventure.

I always wondered how many of those ads actually led to a hit on someone.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 3:24 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


One can find a hitman in unexpected places.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 3:24 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


klang, you may have just become a lot of Mefites' shadiest friend.
posted by box at 3:25 PM on November 4, 2013 [41 favorites]


Wait! Maybe he's a cop! Klang ignore that PM! It was a joke . . . yeah a joke!
posted by Carillon at 3:25 PM on November 4, 2013 [16 favorites]


We should have a tech soution to this problem of finding shady friends, maybe some kind of social network, " ShadyWeb: Bringing solutions together."
posted by The Whelk at 3:26 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


"how shady would you rate yourself? Please fill in the form below."
posted by The Whelk at 3:27 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


I wonder if it's like spammers deliberately using shitty, shifty, sketchy looking material to filter out anyone who might not fall for it.

Check out this one weird trick for getting rid of problem witnesses!
posted by The Bellman at 3:27 PM on November 4, 2013 [31 favorites]


there were (are?) .onion sites that filled pretty much exactly that function, The Whelk

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I AM NOT A COP
posted by kagredon at 3:27 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"we provide high quality executions at low low prices!"
posted by The Whelk at 3:29 PM on November 4, 2013


I went into this article thinking it was about actual hit men who would take the job (and the money), then go to the target and offer his services against his original employer. That would be FUCKED UP, MAN.
posted by Brocktoon at 3:29 PM on November 4, 2013 [14 favorites]


This immediately made me start evaluating who, in my orbit, is sketchiest.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 3:30 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


"if you're having trouble figuring it out, you might be the sketchiest."
posted by The Whelk at 3:30 PM on November 4, 2013 [57 favorites]


I don't know where in my city I'd go to buy pot much less hire a hit man (or any criminal for hire). Come to think of it, I'm not 100% sure where they sell guns or hunting knives out here.

Man, if I ever need to hire a hit man, I'm so screwed.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:32 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Isn't this why you use AngiesList?

('Fraid to say I seem to be on many people's sketchy list.)
posted by Samizdata at 3:32 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


The shady neighborhood thing is hilarious because I, too, know exactly who I'd go to if I needed someone dead (or someone to find someone who'd know the right person). NOLA represent.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:34 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


If I ever get to thinking about who I might want to have murdered, I just take it as a sign that I need more drugs.
posted by Sequence at 3:34 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Can you sketch Winky?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


It seems like it would make more sense to just run someone off the road or something, car accidents are disturbingly common.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on November 4, 2013


I'm pretty sure that if I ever attempted to hire a hitman there would be two reactions:

a. they would laugh at me hysterically and usher me gently back to my part of town, patting me on the head and recommending I punch a teddy bear a bit until I stopped being angry
b. they would kill me because obviously I was the world's most inept undercover cop
posted by winna at 3:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


I definitely have sketchy friends who have friends of their own that are so sketchy they are beyond me.

(The other side of the spectrum also applies.)

Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer. Even if you throw considerations of the law out the window, having someone killed is going to have repercussions you can't possibly anticipate.
posted by poe at 3:37 PM on November 4, 2013


"It seems like it would make more sense to just run someone off the road or something, car accidents are disturbingly common."

Hard to make sure they're dead that way. Car crashes are pretty survivable. Even if you just hit them with your car, it's pretty hard to actually kill someone like that.
posted by klangklangston at 3:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"hey fellow murderers! Any good deaths recently?" *holds hand up for a high five.*
posted by The Whelk at 3:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


What if I wanted a hit man who would make it look like the person was killed by vengeful spirits?
posted by The Whelk at 3:38 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Come to think of it, I'm not 100% sure where they sell guns or hunting knives out here.

Wal-Mart.
posted by localroger at 3:38 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer. Even if you throw considerations of the law out the window, having someone killed is going to have repercussions you can't possibly anticipate."

Yeah, I actually think of it as something that you'd probably only really do for organized crime. Like, when you need to murder people regularly and with some professionalism. Otherwise, there are too many variables that lead back to you getting caught or killed.
posted by klangklangston at 3:39 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


REAL HITS
REAL MEN
HIT-103 FM
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:39 PM on November 4, 2013 [20 favorites]


Hit men with your best shot
posted by The Whelk at 3:40 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


Well what I like is that for any group of people, there is going to be a sketchiest person, even if that means that they jaywalk occasionally. Or recycle bottles with the lids still on.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 3:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


I actually knew a hit man once. Boyfriend of a friend's daughter. Connected. Went away for arson, if I remember correctly. Seemed kind of ordinary. Wouldn't have looked at him twice if I didn't know his history.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:42 PM on November 4, 2013


"He was such a quiet hitman."
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:43 PM on November 4, 2013 [9 favorites]


Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer.

Your qualifier both amuses and slightly unnerves me.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [21 favorites]


I know exactly who you can talk to if you need your bottles with lids still on to be recycled, sandettie.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:46 PM on November 4, 2013 [21 favorites]


Although, I suppose it's remotely possible that I knew an ATF agent posing as a hitman. But I don't think so.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:46 PM on November 4, 2013


Actual question: he says he builds street cred by buying drugs and guns. When do the baddies start to realize that all their "referrals" to him get busted?
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:47 PM on November 4, 2013


"Dude, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman!"

Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman and Sandra Bullock.
posted by odinsdream at 3:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


Leave the recycling. Take the cannoli.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


Having spent a lot of time looking into it for my job and having hung out with homicide cops, I can tell you this: it is very easy to get away with murder as long as you are only interested in getting away with it legally. The problems come when you try to make yourself look innocent (like hiring a hitman or all the awesome-but-bad-idea-in-real-life stuff in that incredible askme).

Just shoot them when nobody is looking, drop the gun, and when the cops come lawyer up. Easy-peasy.
posted by Bookhouse at 3:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [11 favorites]


"there's really no need to leave your elaborate stag and raven metaphor laden crime scene set designs, just shoot them in the head."
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


"if you're having trouble figuring it out, you might be the sketchiest."

It must be awkward being at or near a local maximum for sketchiness. You don't know any hitmen, and you don't have any friends who are tremendously sketchier than you who you could ask for pointers towards hitmen, so your search is basically over before it begins.

I mean, I think for a fair number of us in our 30s and 40s, that's why we don't do LSD anymore. I imagine I'd be in the same boat w/r/t getting people murdered if I had any interest in that.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:51 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Can I make the bullet out of frozen blood?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:51 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


blue suede stockings: "Actual question: he says he builds street cred by buying drugs and guns. When do the baddies start to realize that all their "referrals" to him get busted?"

When a double is being run, it's a mistake to rat out the people who will provide your bona fides. Granted, yes, this means you may have some unused guns, or perhaps some extra cocaine that might need to be warehoused somewhere, but the double requires a reliable network of contacts. Building that network trumps prosecuting those lesser crimes.
posted by Malory Archer at 3:51 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


If your hitman agrees to accept weekly payments, you may want to find another hitman.
posted by orme at 3:52 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


If you need pyschadelics you talk to older academic types with really nice kitchen equipment, I thought everyone knew this.

Or maybe this all boils down to " know touring musicians."
posted by The Whelk at 3:52 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer.

I have to say, I am reassured the thread has come closer to unanimity on this point than pretty much anything else I've seen on this site.
posted by ambrosen at 3:53 PM on November 4, 2013 [19 favorites]


"Just shoot them when nobody is looking, drop the gun, and when the cops come lawyer up. Easy-peasy."

That would be pretty much the worst mystery show though.

Also, your ability to get away with it is very much contextual. It's unlikely that if you murder your spouse that you'll escape the scrutiny brought to bear; if you murder a relative stranger, though, so long as Loeb doesn't fuck it up for you, you should be able to get away with it.
posted by klangklangston at 3:54 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


blue suede stockings: "Actual question: he says he builds street cred by buying drugs and guns. When do the baddies start to realize that all their "referrals" to him get busted?"

When a double is being run, it's a mistake to rat out the people who will provide your bona fides. Granted, yes, this means you may have some unused guns, or perhaps some extra cocaine that might need to be warehoused somewhere, but the double requires a reliable network of contacts. Building that network trumps prosecuting those lesser crimes.


Yeah, got that--I meant, how do folks not realize that their hit man referrals to the chill guy who buys keep getting busted?
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:54 PM on November 4, 2013


I'm not a hitman, I'm a hit, man.
posted by stenseng at 3:56 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer.

besides, small batch, homemade murders are just so much better for the environment.
posted by The Whelk at 3:58 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


Small natch?
posted by ocherdraco at 4:01 PM on November 4, 2013


I wonder if the contact process works the other way as well? " If you need someone top letdown a completely legal and innocuous activity, just contact your lest sketchy friend. He'll put you in touch with his least sketchy friend, and so on, until you find someone who can make that kitten photo web page for you."
posted by happyroach at 4:01 PM on November 4, 2013 [16 favorites]


That process just leads to everyone's Aunt Midge.


Besides we all know the best way to murder someone are planned maritime accidents.
posted by The Whelk at 4:02 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


besides, small batch, homemade murders are just so much better for the environment.

Fucking hitster.
posted by The Bellman at 4:02 PM on November 4, 2013 [31 favorites]


There's a little bit of love in every one of my massacres.
posted by The Whelk at 4:03 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Beween child sex and murder-for-hire, it's cops all the way down.
posted by dr_dank at 4:05 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Sweet Mother, sweet Mother, send your child unto me, for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in blood and fear.

Chanting this repeatedly while standing over an effigy of your intended victim is probably the only safe way of hiring a hitman.
posted by honestcoyote at 4:06 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


You can't trust anybody anymore.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:07 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Summoning beings of pure vengeance from beyond the veil of reality is more of a DIY thing anyway.
posted by The Whelk at 4:07 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Someone never gave her the memo!

Anyone who thinks that's the answer deserves to get played...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:10 PM on November 4, 2013


I summoned Pumpkinhead to kill those lousy teenagers, and he turned out to be a fuckin' narc!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:10 PM on November 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


klangklangston: "This is one of the benefits of growing up in a shitty neighborhood — I know exactly who I would talk to if I needed someone murdered."

I know a few people like this too; as in I know their names but it's not like we hang out or anything. The problem is the venn diagram of those people and the people I know with iron clad discretion doesn't have any overlap in the circles. And really the discretion is what you are paying for. You might as well pop your enemy in broad day light yourself if you can only find the junkie on the corner to accept your hit.
posted by Mitheral at 4:11 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Conan O'brien plays Hitman.
posted by Brocktoon at 4:12 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


This article kept reminding me of the ZP review of Grand Theft Auto 5 (and indeed that entire profoundly-shitty series of games in general)

"Franklin is probably closest to being the protagonist-protagonist, 'cause he does the standard GTA straight man thing, where he rolls his eyes exasperatedly at every random weirdo who thinks that flagging down random pedestrians is the best way to put out a contract hit, but meekly follows their instructions anyway like a passive-aggressive husband."
posted by Riemann at 4:14 PM on November 4, 2013


Oops, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman.

Everyone knows the real Hitman has pink tights and those mylar wraparound sunglasses gas stations used to give away in the '80s.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


It's unlikely that if you murder your spouse that you'll escape the scrutiny brought to bear;

That's what I mean about only getting away legally. If you don't mind everyone whispering that you probably murdered your wife, you'll be fine. Hell, it is probably best to murder them in your own house, where things like DNA are almost completely useless. Reasonable doubt is a hell of a thing.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:21 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I see that there's a certain label for mefite contacts that's calling to be added..
posted by Anything at 4:25 PM on November 4, 2013


Sketchy?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:28 PM on November 4, 2013


Semi Sketchy, Sketch, And Super Sketchy
posted by The Whelk at 4:28 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


"probably knows where to hire a hitman" is a good way to describe someone quickly.
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on November 4, 2013 [21 favorites]


Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer.

What about someone to fake your death for you? What would such a profession be called, I wonder.
posted by Apocryphon at 4:29 PM on November 4, 2013


Seems like I've seen a lot of fictional stories about people who who hire a hitman to go after someone more powerful than themselves, and the hitman just goes to the intended victim for a payoff and maybe a reverse engagement.
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:29 PM on November 4, 2013


Corpse-mongler? Ghost-morticulturalist? Artesinal-small-batch-witness-protection?
posted by poe at 4:31 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


My shady friends these days are all so fucking unbelievably incompetent that I would sooner set up some sort of Rube Goldberg-esque anvil trap for an intended victim myself. I knew a much better class of shady people in the 90s, alas.
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on November 4, 2013 [15 favorites]


Yeah, this would have been better as an Exposé of Wile E. Coyote.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:34 PM on November 4, 2013


"probably knows where to hire a hitman" is a good way to describe someone quickly.

I've met a lot of people who would be thrilled to describe themselves that way, but a more accurate description is "mouthy idiot who likes to claim underworld connections but would be dead in a week if it were true."
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


Shady and incompetent, a terrible combination.

The impression I get from talking to my Mom, who works in the justice system, is that most people caight up in something like this are either terrible liars, babbler mouths, or dumb.
posted by The Whelk at 4:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


klangklangston: ""It seems like it would make more sense to just run someone off the road or something, car accidents are disturbingly common."

Hard to make sure they're dead that way. Car crashes are pretty survivable. Even if you just hit them with your car, it's pretty hard to actually kill someone like that.
"

Plus, what if you don't want them dead, but marked up in a specific fashion?
posted by Samizdata at 4:35 PM on November 4, 2013


I am in the interesting position of having in my contact list a CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation, and a meth-head tattoo artist who just got busted for robbing a bank a couple of weeks ago.

Not sure which one counts as "sketchiest".
posted by billyfleetwood at 4:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [11 favorites]


I've met a lot of people who would be thrilled to describe themselves that way, but a more accurate description is "mouthy idiot who likes to claim underworld connections but would be dead in a week if it were true."

"Unlike most weekend water vehicle warriors or mall ninjas who like to think they'd know how to kill someone for hire, Clark looked like the real deal. Quiet, military background, religious, well-scrubbed, and someone who would never bring it up himself unless he knew with complete certainty that he would never ever get caught."
posted by The Whelk at 4:37 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"we provide high quality executions at low low prices!"

Dear Askme,
How can I hire a qualified hit man that is guaranteed to do the job? What's the going rate in my local Hitttown area? Is there a priced break such as a two for one? Do hit men generally take care of corpse cleanup, or is this something I need to contact a subcontractor for? Do I need to lock up the cat?
posted by BlueHorse at 4:39 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I wonder how many competing law enforcement agencies advertised hit men in the Silk Road... I have to imagine that many undercover folks were contacted by other undercover folks pretending to buy the services...
posted by el io at 4:40 PM on November 4, 2013


"wait, is there anyone here who isn't a Mole?""I'm technically a double agent.""Get out."
posted by The Whelk at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


Not sure which one counts as "sketchiest".

Yeah I mean I could probably get someone blacklisted from Yale or banned from Soho House or investigated for SEC fraud I guess.
posted by elizardbits at 4:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


reasonable rates, apply within
posted by elizardbits at 4:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Whelk: "Honestly, hiring a hit man is pretty much never the right answer.

besides, small batch, homemade murders are just so much better for the environment.
"

Yeah, I want my murders artisanal and locovore.

And organic.
posted by Samizdata at 4:46 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Try the Stevia.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:48 PM on November 4, 2013 [17 favorites]


Yeah, I want my murders artisanal and locovore.

*Hannibal bullhorn tornado siren noise.*
posted by The Whelk at 4:50 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


ambrosen: " I am reassured the thread has come closer to unanimity on this point than pretty much anything else I've seen on this site."

Whats scary is that everyone then starts giving their suggestion on best way to bump someone.

fuckin armchair hitmen! they are going to get someone killed.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 4:55 PM on November 4, 2013


That's just Sunday Morning Murdering.
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on November 4, 2013


fuckin armchair hitmen! they are going to get someone killed.

Looks around in a panic! Moves onto the sofa. There aren't any sofa hitmen around here, are there?
posted by ambrosen at 4:57 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


*raises gun*either that flocked sofa pattern goes or you do.
posted by The Whelk at 4:58 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Pssst, lots of good advice above, but here's the real skinny, at a MiFi meetup whisper "look'n for sketchy".
posted by sammyo at 5:03 PM on November 4, 2013


I think the preferred nomenclature is "hitsofas."
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 5:04 PM on November 4, 2013


Also I guess if you are close friends with a criminal lawyer you could just look in their personal files under H for hitman or K for killer or something.
posted by elizardbits at 5:06 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


i am officially Thinking About This Too Much now
posted by elizardbits at 5:07 PM on November 4, 2013


How has it not been posted yet?

Metafilter: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.
posted by localroger at 5:10 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


While I'm at it, could I get somebody who's cowardly and superstitious? I wanna do this right.
posted by happyroach at 5:11 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


billyfleetwood: "I am in the interesting position of having in my contact list a CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation, and a meth-head tattoo artist who just got busted for robbing a bank a couple of weeks ago. "

You should totally invite the two of them to the same dinner.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:12 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


wait maybe it's like going postal where the accountant for the evil organization was so good at his job that he included lined items for all the assassinations
posted by The Whelk at 5:13 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


You should totally invite the two of them to the same dinner.

But like in a romcom dating scenario where you have to run back and forth between two tables on the opposite side of a restaurant while pretending to excuse yourself to the restroom.
posted by elizardbits at 5:14 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


My favorite overly elaborate murder story: the saga of Leon and Armand Peltzer. Part I, Part II, and Part III.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:18 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm late to the party, but I'm replying to the discussion earlier about what kind of algorithm you could use to identify someone who could help find someone who...

1. One of my friends is a respectable business guy, ie. not shady, sketchy or anything like that. He knows someone who can get a hit done and has provided a price list. I believe him, for what it's worth.
2. Another friend is an ex-parole officer who likes to hang out with murderers, because "they're more honest than regular folk."

Just providing data points - don't shoot me!
posted by sneebler at 5:21 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]




Looks around in a panic! Moves onto the sofa. There aren't any sofa hitmen around here, are there?

Sofa, so good.
posted by zamboni at 5:34 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Glad I'm not alone here in being confident that I could, if I so required and if the situation dictated it (not that I can imagine one*), get ahold of someone who would and could do something like this because, not that I've ever asked directly, they probably have in the past.

*Seriously, since one of the the only degree of removal I'd have to go through would be quite, uh, circumspect and vested in my well being, it'd have to be some sort of crazy plot, with nowhere else to turn ,against me or the wife, who would of course be played by Sandra Bullock, or something before it'd even be considered.
posted by RolandOfEld at 5:34 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


@ThatFuzzyBastard
Thanks for the The Moth Presents Jack Hitt: Slumlord link.
I really enjoyed that.
posted by dougzilla at 5:36 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Seriously, though, if any of you dudes want to hit me up for access to illegal activities or products, I can hook you up with anything you might be looking for. We have the very best prices around, and we are discrete as hell, yo. And we are totally not law enforcement officers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:43 PM on November 4, 2013


I have mowed lawns with a couple of murderers and loads of GBH doers but would prefer not to ask them to kill anyone for me as it is illegal.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:45 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


And if you don't believe me, just check out the name of our company: Not ATF, Rangers, or Cops. Could we get away with a name like that if we weren't legit? Hell no! Not ATF, Rangers, or Cops, for all your nefarious needs.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:47 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


HEY KIDS

NO, WAIT

I MEAN

HEY, FELLOW KIDS

WHO WANTS TO BUY SOME DRUGS

WE ARE YOUNG PEOPLE

WE ARE INTO DUBSTEP

AND JUSTIN BIEBER

BUY OUR DRUGS
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:49 PM on November 4, 2013 [14 favorites]


By the way, the preferred nomenclature is Hitperson or Person of Murder.
posted by dr_dank at 6:03 PM on November 4, 2013 [14 favorites]


*Files 'person of murder' into unused potential Achewood concepts.*
posted by The Whelk at 6:09 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have no hitman-related jokes but I would like to say I am now enjoying an article entitled When Is It OK for Me to Send a Girl a Picture of My Penis?
posted by Skorgu at 6:10 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The closing of this article was just priceless.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:25 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I know some shady types, but if I told them that I needed a hit done, they'd take my money and:

- disappear

- tell me that they found a guy who will do it, and is the best guy for the job, but he needs more money, and they already gave him the money that I gave them so no refunds, so...

- turn me over to law enforcement in exchange for a reduction of their current charges on any number of things

- sigh, give it back, and ask me if I've been going to my meetings lately and do I need a sponsor
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:26 PM on November 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


>...ask me if I've been going to my meetings lately and do I need a sponsor

I thought murder rehab only happened on Torchwood.
posted by Catblack at 6:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


A hit man with a God tattoo would definitely not sell.

This rings so false it makes me think he has a God tattoo.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 6:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


COUCH IS SAFE.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:35 PM on November 4, 2013


Dear Askme,
How can I hire a qualified hit man that is guaranteed to do the job? What's the going rate in my local Hitttown area? Is there a priced break such as a two for one? Do hit men generally take care of corpse cleanup, or is this something I need to contact a subcontractor for? Do I need to lock up the cat?
posted by BlueHorse at 4:39 PM on November 4 [1 favorite]



Dear Askme,

My hitman has some weird casserole-type dish in his fridge. He says it's about a week old, but is ok to eat. I'm not so sure. Should I eat it?
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 6:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [9 favorites]


There are probably enough people who, although not killing for money professionally, would do so if the price was right, that if you don't know someone who will kill for money, chances are someone they know does. Probably fewer degrees of separation than we think, only instead of Kevin Bacon, it's Jean Reno.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:49 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The shady neighborhood thing is hilarious because I, too, know exactly who I'd go to if I needed someone dead (or someone to find someone who'd know the right person). NOLA represent.

As I headed to the comments I was wondering if anyone had already beat me to this and I find that yes they have. NOLA represent, indeed.
posted by komara at 7:07 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The bad guy was late? Really, standards are slipping.
posted by arcticseal at 7:11 PM on November 4, 2013


Only instead of Kevin Bacon, it's Jean Reno.

In this case, it seems to be Janet Reno.
posted by jenkinsEar at 7:17 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


"probably knows where to hire a hitman" is a good way to describe someone quickly.

I've been described as "Not the kind of friend you go to for shit like emotional support or feelings stuff but definitely the kind of friend you call when it's 3am and you need to hide a body, no questions asked."
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:26 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you're in London, are female, and need the job done, get a job tending bar at a pub where villains meet. After a while, assuming you have the requisite social skills and certain practical abilities concerning their drinking habits, you will befriend some. In time, some will become quite fond of you and protective towards you.

Then get into a relationship with a real shit. A psychopath. One who is quite capable of causing you severe harm if you split up with them.

Split up with them.

A hitman will then offer his services, FOC.

At least, that's how I've seen it done.

(for the record, no, no psychopathic shit was actually harmed in the making of this post. Alternative accommodations were arrived at. )
posted by Devonian at 7:28 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


There are probably enough people who, although not killing for money professionally, would do so if the price was right, that if you don't know someone who will kill for money, chances are someone they know does. Probably fewer degrees of separation than we think, only instead of Kevin Bacon, it's Jean Reno.

$20, same as in town
posted by kagredon at 8:51 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


"I Can't Believe It's Not Hitman!"
posted by blueberry at 9:19 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Okay, so youse want we should put out a hit on dis guy? I tell you what youse we're gonna do.
I know some guys, they hang out dis place called "The Blue", down by the river, rough joint.
posted by islander at 9:19 PM on November 4, 2013


instead of Kevin Bacon, it's Jean Reno.
$20, same as in town
Shot a man, Jean Reno?

Just to watch him die. My name, m'sieu? Comment allez-vous?
posted by zamboni at 9:29 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


How has it not been posted yet?

Metafilter: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.
posted by localroger at 7:10 PM on November 4 [1 favorite +] [!]


Dirt Cheap? Please metafilter has some class. It's clearly expensive!
posted by Carillon at 9:52 PM on November 4, 2013


Now I'm thinking about pros and cons of hiring a hit person. And I can't think why I ever would. I mean, I believe in nonviolence and really what would I gain from killing someone? But suppose things change, maybe I go through some cheesy Hollywood movie take on trauma - the six-fingered man murders my father, or whatever. Now I hypothetically want to kill someone. Why would I hire another person to do it? If I care that much about revenge, I definitely want the satisfaction of murdering the person myself. For sure I need to give my victim the well-rehearsed revenge speech before I feed them to the shark or whatever hypothetical method of murder I use.

If you hire a hit person, you just don't get closure.

Exception: if I'm in prison for life maybe I can't personally murder my target so then I need a hit person.
posted by medusa at 9:52 PM on November 4, 2013


You identify your sketchiest friend who lives closest to the edge of the law, and tell them what you need, and then they talk to their sketchiest friend, who talks to their sketchiest friend

I thought of this while rewatching Fargo:
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Say, Shep, how ya doin' there? Say, ya know those two fellas ya put me in touch with, up there in Fargo?
SHEP PROUDFOOT
Put you in touch with Grimsrud.
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Well, yah, but he had a buddy there.
SHEP PROUDFOOT
I vouch for Grimsrud. Who's his buddy?
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Uh, Carl somethin'?
SHEP PROUDFOOT
Never heard of him. Don't vouch for him.
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Well, that's okay, he's a buddy of the guy ya vouched for, so I'm not worryin'. I just, I was wondering, see, I gotta get in touch with 'em for. See this deal I've been working on, I might not need it anymore, sumpn's happenin', see.
SHEP PROUDFOOT
Call 'em up.
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Yah, well, see, I did that, and I haven't been able to get 'em, so I thought you maybe'd know an alternate number or what have you.
SHEP PROUDFOOT
Nope.
JERRY LUNDEGAARD
Okay, well, real good, then.


Anyway, it sort of does have an analogue in the real-life case where I am personal friends* with the intended victim(s) -- the woman's ex, a heroin addict, contacted a guy he thought would help him set the thing up, but who actually decided to go CI on his ass. This guy may have seemed an appropriately sketchy choice, since his peak life experience in the past was attracting a KKK rally to town which proved irresistible to the sober investigative instincts of reporter at large Jerry Rivers [said CI is the first guy you see; the guy behind him is, in fact, an Illinois Nazi]. It's not exactly the right kind of sketchy, you see, but I guess when you're looking for a unicorn you'll start with the first mule you see.
* We hadn't met at the time, but have since become close buddies in politics and community activities.
posted by dhartung at 12:43 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Then get into a relationship with a real shit. A psychopath. One who is quite capable of causing you severe harm if you split up with them.

Split up with them.

A hitman will then offer his services, FOC.


Out-of-town shooters. That's what I said. I remember hearing myself saying, "Out-of-town shooters." You know what? You don't pay a ho to fuck you. You pay her to leave. What you pay out-of-town shooters to do? You pay them to get the hell back out of town. That's why I asked for out-of-town shooters. What'd I get? In-town shooters. Someone decided to hire in-town shooters. You know what else I got for my money? In-town police. In-town trouble. Who's got to get in the ring with me on this?

-- Victor Sweet, "Four Brothers"
posted by rue72 at 12:54 AM on November 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Dirt Cheap? Please metafilter has some class. It's clearly expensive!

Well, not really. It's $20, same as in town.
posted by ambrosen at 1:01 AM on November 5, 2013


I can't believe no one has yet mentioned Horible Bosses. It was actually pretty funny. I'd recommend it. Very apropos.
posted by Rhomboid at 2:20 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


yeah, I'm definitely the sketchiest friend for two or three people. I think this mostly because I'm a woman and don't shave under my arms, though. They'd have to go elsewhere for the killin' kind.
posted by angrycat at 3:53 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


what if you don't want them dead, but marked up in a specific fashion?
I can see it now: The XML Murders.

"Put down the angle bracket, buddy, and move away from the document!"
posted by Sonny Jim at 4:11 AM on November 5, 2013 [6 favorites]


It's easy enough to find a hitmans
You mean a hitman, right? Or am I missing something?
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 4:35 AM on November 5, 2013


When I was in elementary school (not a sketchy suburb), a classmate's mother tried to hire a hitman to kill classmate's father. Hitman dropped a dime and classmate's mother was arrested in her non-sketchy suburban home mid-morning, walked down the sidewalk in handcuffs, and taken away to jail.

Later, I tried to find out more about the crime but could not. Records were either lost or in off-site storage.

People in the homicide neighborhood - detectives and judges - are full of stories about both astonishingly dumb attempts at murder and murder for hire and also tragically botched investigations.

There are a million stories in the stupid city.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:28 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you like Fargo, and you haven't seen Blood Simple, I think you should do that.
posted by box at 5:38 AM on November 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Don't forget Intolerable Cruelty as well:

Miles Massey: She won't--she won't suffer, will she?
Wheezy Joe: Not unless you pay extra.


Murder for hire seems to be a recurring theme in Coen brothers movies.
posted by Cash4Lead at 5:52 AM on November 5, 2013


Back in the 80s I read Soldier Of Fortune Magazine as a jr high student, and the classified ads in the back always had ads from "experienced" persons looking for travel and adventure.

I always wondered how many of those ads actually led to a hit on someone.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey


Me and a friend of mine who worked in a recruiting office used to send them "Join the Army" leaflets for a giggle. Sometimes they even called in.

And as tout le monde sait, Soldier of Fortune was for wankers, real men read Combat and Survival.
posted by fingerbang at 6:41 AM on November 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


turbid dahlia: ""Dude, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman!""

odinsdream: " Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman and Sandra Bullock."

Actually, it starred Mark Wahlberg, Avery Brooks, Christina Applegate, Lou Diamond Phillips, China Chow and Bokeem Woodbine.
posted by zarq at 7:09 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Card Cheat: "If only it accompanied my favourite headline of all time."

Love the headline. But I read this and thought, "Hippos? Dangerous? No way."

Did a google search... and holy shit:
The hippo, found today throughout sub-Saharan Africa, is considered by many experts, explorers and Africans to be the most dangerous animal in Africa (not counting the mosquito). Crocodiles and cape buffaloes are badasses, too, but nobody seems to have kept an actual body count for any of these species and they don't have belts to notch. They've all killed way more people than Africa's lions have. (A few rogue tigers have killed a lot of people too, but they live in India, not Africa.) The hippo is extremely aggressive, unpredictable and unafraid of humans, upsetting boats sometimes without provocation and chomping the occupants with its huge canine teeth and sharp incisors. Most human deaths occur when the victim gets between the hippo and deep water or between a mother and her calf. I've read descriptions of their ground-rumbling charges--bellowing loudly, swinging their heads like giant sledgehammers, the massive open mouth with slashing teeth and I'm thinking, "This little safari is taking a bit of a bad turn, Elliot."

From "The Dangerous Hippo," Science Digest, LXXVI (November, 1974), 80-86, by George W. Frame and Lory Herbison Frame:
Nearly all of the famous African explorers and hunters--Livingstone, Stanley, Burton, Selous, Speke, DuChaillu--had boating mishaps with hippos. All considered the hippo to be a wantonly malicious beast. Not long ago Spencer Tyron, a white hunter, was killed while hunting near the shores of Lake Rukwa, Tanzania. A bull hippo turned over the dugout canoe from which Tyron was shooting, and bit off his head and shoulders.
Bit. Off. His. Head. And. Shoulders. WHOA.

Screw hiring a hitman. Just buy the intended victim a hippo.

*knock knock knock*
"Who is it?"
"Hippogram!"
"Wha-"
*CHOMP*
posted by zarq at 7:21 AM on November 5, 2013 [17 favorites]


Here's a video of a hippo charge. Best part is him trotting away like "Yeah, motherfucker, you best run!"
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:46 AM on November 5, 2013


Hippos are basically land orcas. Huge jerkass unpredictable murderbeasts.
posted by elizardbits at 8:02 AM on November 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Zarq wins comment of the week with hippogram.
posted by arcticseal at 8:41 AM on November 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


BAD
posted by humboldt32 at 8:49 AM on November 5, 2013


Why not just do like the rich and powerful, and have the police destroy whomever you don't like?
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:22 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


zarq: "turbid dahlia: ""Dude, You Just Hired The Wrong Hitman!""

odinsdream: " Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman and Sandra Bullock."

Actually, it starred Mark Wahlberg, Avery Brooks, Christina Applegate, Lou Diamond Phillips, China Chow and Bokeem Woodbine.
"

Is it bad I knew the movie without clicking the link?
posted by Samizdata at 10:32 AM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Bit. Off. His. Head. And. Shoulders. WHOA.

Sounds like a hungry, hungry hippo.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:43 AM on November 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Sounds like a hungry, hungry hippo.

Yeaaaaaaaaah!
posted by odinsdream at 11:17 AM on November 5, 2013


Bit. Off. His. Head. And. Shoulders. WHOA.

I didn't know you had dandruff!
posted by Sys Rq at 12:42 PM on November 5, 2013


Or, wait, I think it's "But you don't have dandruff," isn't it? It's been a while. And then the hippo could say the "Bingo" part, with his mouth full.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:56 PM on November 5, 2013


Hippos have the best running gait. They move like dainty lumpy space princesses of death.
posted by winna at 5:15 PM on November 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sys Rq: "Or, wait, I think it's "But you don't have dandruff," isn't it? It's been a while. And then the hippo could say the "Bingo" part, with his mouth full."

But the hippo HAS dandruff now.

In his belly.
posted by Samizdata at 6:52 PM on November 5, 2013


Well, maybe that should be the torso's line then.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:00 PM on November 5, 2013


But the hippo HAS dandruff now.

In his belly.


Hippos are murderous, but not carnivorous. After they kill you they don't bother eating you.

It's the crocodiles that get your dandruff. Without the hippos they wouldn't have a shot at something your size.
posted by localroger at 7:12 PM on November 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


I wonder if the contact process works the other way as well? " If you need someone top letdown a completely legal and innocuous activity, just contact your lest sketchy friend. He'll put you in touch with his least sketchy friend, and so on, until you find someone who can make that kitten photo web page for you."

I think I know the Least Sketchy Friend. He has an amazing skill at getting bureaucracies to sit up and bark.

One recent project of his has been to get a friend's juvenile felony conviction sealed, to improve his job prospects.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 3:47 AM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


And yet I still want a hippopotamus for Christmas.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:44 AM on November 11, 2013




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