Thanks, Cinco! ;-)
December 7, 2013 8:50 PM   Subscribe

The Cinco Family/Corporation is a fictional corporation which spans the television and internet works of comedian Bob Odenkirk. From 2007 to 2010, the comedy television program Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, served as an outlet for Cinco Products skits. The commercials and infomercials use green screen and special effects with the intent of mimicking the standard format of infomercials from the late 1980s and early 1990s, often lampooning technology from the same era (such as the Cinco MIDI Organizer). Generally, the goods and services sold by Cinco companies are a bizarre assortment of useless, pointless and/or physically harmful products, at least three of which require the removal of all of the user's teeth. [NSFW]

(All SLYT)
  • A hardware device for non-GUI PCs that organizes MIDI audio files by assigning very long access numbers to them.
  • T'IRD
  • A feathered flying disc that resembles a combination of a bird and a turtle. It can fly up to half a mile, and then use its turtle legs to slowly crawl back to its user.
  • B'OWL
  • A stuffed animal that resembles a combination of a bat and an owl.
  • A stuffed bear with the growl of a cougar.
  • A one button, dual-antenna cell phone that can only place calls and has only enough battery power to make one call. Due to its high operating temperature, it comes with a tube of cooling gel that can be applied to the face. Endorsed by Ed Begley, Jr.
  • Horse hair extensions for children to wear, coated in candy flavors for sucking on.
  • A life-size grandfather doll, including scent packs to smell like a real grandfather.
  • A three VHS set of James Quall impressions. A special offer includes 200 hours of bonus material.
  • A pair of business socks that are fashioned like thong underwear.
  • A life-size son doll, which is periodically replaced with larger, "older" dolls. Endorsed by Peter Stormare (aka "Gorb").
  • A single volume containing "all of the numbers imaginable". Endorsed by Rainn Wilson.
  • A mini CD that contains several programs that are meant to simulate the experience of the Internet.
  • D'UMP
  • A digital baseball umpire in the form of a talking deer statue. It warns users of bear attacks by shutting down.
  • Insurance coverage for being struck in the testicles.
  • A board game in which players must "guess things that are not Jackie Chan".
  • Pills that, when ingested, convert the user's feces to edible eggs with neon-colored yolks. Includes a nest to "lay" the eggs in. Endorsed by Steve Schirripa
  • C-BUND
  • A cummerbund worn as a replacement for pants and underwear (thus simply exposing the genitals).
  • A large, cube-shaped device which contains a movie. Must be plugged into a VHS tape with a bulky adapter cable and played on a "Cinco VHS Playback System"
  • A beverage derived from filtering water through the pulverized contents of cigarettes. Endorsed by Spagett.
  • A method of inaccurately and inefficiently being put on trial via software, in which the defendant selects their own e-jury and is responsible for presenting any evidence against themselves. Apparently legally binding, it successfully convicted one of the Cinco Brothers for murder.
  • A small pipe that redirects a urinal's flushing water to allow showering in any public restroom.
  • A cell phone that only dials Fred Willard, who singlehandedly dispenses live advice to all of the system's users at once.
  • Watertight plastic pants meant to be worn beneath one's normal pants to keep large amounts of uncontrollable diarrhea contained.
  • An apple coated with "sleeping gel" to cause its eater to fall asleep, and injected with a bowel irritant to end the nap after 15 minutes. Due to this fact, it is recommended that they be used with the D-Pants. Endorsed by Alan Thicke.
  • Josh Groban's six cassette tribute to deceased Uncle Muscles Hour performer Casey.
  • A fecal dam inserted into the colon to prevent instances of uncontrollable diarrhea.
  • A digital music box for children with two "revolutionary dance tones", which have similar effects to an addictive recreational drug. Progress can be tracked in real time by other users, and the device also features "Oh Hungee", a dispenser of a paste food source. The advertisement contains several disclaimers, one of which warning that "eBumping is not safe for pets or children."
  • A drink made from water and pubic hair to accelerate puberty ("grow a lush pube mound").
  • A catnip-like product to revitalize old men. Endorsed by Patrick Duffy.
  • H'AMB
  • An affordable meat product made by kneading the essence of lamb into a loaf of ham. Includes "lamb-scented spray."
  • A chair designed for people to watch their friends sleep. Comes with built-in zoom lens, dreamer's book, Nightmare Prevention device, toilet, and electroshock system to prevent the user from falling asleep themselves.
  • A sleep mask designed to make its wearer be able to sleep at a party while still appearing awake. It includes a stand to hold the user in a standing position, and can play professionally recorded voice clips of common phrases to allow the user to seemingly communicate with other guests.
  • A digital jukebox containing every movie, commercial, and public appearance Tairy Greene has ever made. The device requires the use of Tairy Tokens to play its content, which cost $39.99 USD each. The device also utilizes "Greene Technology"—it is powered by tap water which must be heated to exactly 75° F (despite being incompatible with most sinks), which is deposited out the back of the machine after use (mops are also included for cleanup)
  • A kit that allows its user to attach jewels to their face using an included hot glue gun, and a hairdryer with a full face attachment to dry the jewels in place.
  • A teddy bear stuffed with Italian-style pasta, designed to be given as a "Chrimbus" gift. To prepare the pasta inside, the bear must be boiled overnight, microwaved for 45 minutes, cut open with a knife, and the pasta removed and inspected for surviving insects or larvae.
  • A skin cream infused with a laxative targeted towards missing valuable time, meetings, and other important events.
  • A brooch tailored for men. Designed to be screwed directly into a hole placed in the wearer's body, the creation of which requires removal of the wearer's teeth.
  • A system for fast ingestion of food, avoiding the dangers of utensils. Requires the users' teeth to be removed and a plastic tube inserted from the mouth to the stomach. Regular food is thrown into a large machine that blends the food into a liquid, which then forces it into the user's mouth via a large plastic tube.
  • A pill which makes the user sleep for a few days. It's used when the user is looking forward to something in the future but can't wait.

I couldn't find these:
  • A not-so-easy-to-use long distance telephone service provider.
  • A necklace designed to give good luck by rubbing dead animals on it.
  • An enormous helmet that can emit a loud ear-piercing frequency so its user cannot hear what is going on, and sprays mace in the user's eyes so they cannot see what is going on.
  • Editing Software used by Tim and Eric the make DUMPERS - a tim & eric film their alleged "first video" "Snow"
[via wikipedia]
posted by Room 641-A (48 comments total) 110 users marked this as a favorite
My kid thinks the cinco phone is "absolutely not a good phone" and the t'ird is "stupid". She was a little grossed out by the cinco food tube. We are up waaaay past bedtime.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 9:09 PM on December 7, 2013 [5 favorites]

Some of these have made me laugh so goddamn hard.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:10 PM on December 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

As a big Mr. Show (and especially Bob) fan, I've avoided most Tim and Eric fearing it'd just let me down after everything Mr. Show was. But knowing he loved their sketches and helped them along the way makes me want to know what it's all about. This may be better suited for an Askme, but where do I start with Tim & Eric/post Mr. Show Odenkirk? There's just too many youtube videos to sort through.
posted by fishmasta at 9:31 PM on December 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Look! They're eBumping!
posted by hellojed at 9:35 PM on December 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

I should get a tattoo of the I-Jammer/E-Bumper/O-Hungee ad. It's that important.
posted by user92371 at 9:47 PM on December 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Huh. I just got out of a movie with him in - Nebraska, it was pretty good.
posted by Artw at 9:50 PM on December 7, 2013

I get really excited when someone mentions Bob Odenkirk. This post mentioning him AND featuring a epic list of Cinco products is making my night.

Also this reminded me that I still need to make a B'owl for one of my sister's Christmas presents.
posted by littlesq at 9:50 PM on December 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Generally, the goods and services sold by Cinco companies are a bizarre assortment of useless, pointless and/or physically harmful products, at least three of which require the removal of all of the user's teeth.

So ... basically Cisco.
posted by Token Meme at 9:53 PM on December 7, 2013 [7 favorites]

Fishmasta: Try I-Jammer & It's Not Jackie Chan. Also Celery Man (not sure of the actual title of the sketch).

What I've found is that half of the stuff is hilarious, and half is like reverse catnip to me.
posted by user92371 at 9:56 PM on December 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

Steve Brule clips are hilarious as well. Check it out!
posted by littlesq at 9:58 PM on December 7, 2013 [5 favorites]

OK, sounds good, thanks for coming
posted by mannequito at 10:07 PM on December 7, 2013

I like Steve Brule, too. There are a lot of recurring characters and guest stars so when you find something you like it would be good to search for more of the same. There's a lot of Steve Brule stuff. It took me a long time before I really got it, but once I did it all sort of became funny.

I love Original Child Clown Outlet with Will Ferrell.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:12 PM on December 7, 2013

Am I broken? Because the appeal of Tim and Eric utterly escapes me. I did find the MIDI Organizer clip to be at least slightly risible, but everything else I've seen involving Tim and Eric has left me completely cold—especially the single episode of "Bob Goes to the Mayor" I watched when that was still a going concern. I enjoyed Mr. Show, which is why I gave these clips a go, but, well... nothing.

Yet, I have friends who I think have perfectly reasonable senses of humor, who love Tim and Eric. Friends with whom I share a love of things like MST3k with. Yet, Tim and Eric? It doesn't convey.
posted by SansPoint at 10:15 PM on December 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

The Steve Brule wine clip is pretty much distillers comedy perfection, but a lot of other stuff of theirs has left me cold. Worth digging through, though.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:24 PM on December 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

FWIW, the link above isn't the real iJammer ad. This is. That other one appears to be a fan-made commentary on the music of Crystal Castles.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:28 PM on December 7, 2013 [3 favorites]

SansPoint I felt the same way for awhile, but then I ended up seeing a clip that I found hilarious (can't remember which one that did may have been The Snuggler with Zac Galifinakis) and something just clicked and now I find it all rediculously funny.
posted by littlesq at 10:29 PM on December 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

These are good Tim and Eric sketches featuring Bob and David.

The Tim and Eric joke is to put something on TV that has no business being on TV. I think this sketch is the best, purest version of that joke. Why don't Tim and Eric just hold the microphones? Why do they start speaking at the same time? Why greenscreen a hallway background? If they wanted to make Tim taller by standing him on a box, why frame the shot to include the box? Why is Tim's dad proud of Eric and not Tim? Why didn't they edit out the part where the camera falls?
posted by Hume at 10:29 PM on December 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

The first 52 seconds of the Bro-oche clip were like this for me:

-I see what they're doing here. Cute.
-This scream is lengthy!
-Whaaaat [laughter]

There are so many fake-outs about where it's going in such short order, and then the first real joke is so sudden and impossible to anticipate and ridiculously improbable and gross. It's like a little comedy jewel.
posted by clockzero at 10:30 PM on December 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just the other day I posted Cinco-Fone to a friend's page who talked about their ancient phone.

I think Tim and Eric are at their best when it is about music.

Sit on You...
Do da doo doo
Do da doo doo (reprise)
Petite Feet
Salame (featuring David Liebe Hart)

Cinco is also so damn awesome. And considering I haven't watched the show in quite a few years (is it even still running?) due to their continuing (over)reliance on juvenile "gross-out" humor (and annoying reptition of sound gz-gz-gz-gz-gz), I'm glad to see a handy list of all the Cincos in one spot :)
posted by symbioid at 10:38 PM on December 7, 2013

They're filming season 3 of Steve Brule right now
posted by glaucon at 10:42 PM on December 7, 2013

I'm not a big fan of Tim and Eric but the Cinco Phone ad makes me laugh uncontrollably every time.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:08 PM on December 7, 2013

Little Danson Man starring Ted Danson from "The Cheers" is one of their greatest creations. I lose it at the song every time.
posted by tittergrrl at 11:20 PM on December 7, 2013 [3 favorites]

My favorite, and my nightmare, is the CINCO FACETIME PARTY SNOOZER.
posted by zippy at 12:07 AM on December 8, 2013

Lazy Horse
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 12:10 AM on December 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

Pizza boy

– what am I supposed to do with this thing?
– hey, there are other ways besides intercourse with a man's penis and a woman's vagina to show you love someone.
posted by zippy at 12:48 AM on December 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

(above not actually a Cinco product, order now).
posted by zippy at 1:09 AM on December 8, 2013

This is great. Also, the Encyclopedia of Numbers skit doesn't seem to be on youtube (and is one of my favorites).
posted by antonymous at 8:28 AM on December 8, 2013

I've never been a fan of Tim and Eric either--it seems like they've got that one note that they play over and over--but these are great. (I did like the "Cain Train" video that Tim did, as it captured Herman Cain's essential creepiness, although it was trumped by the Cain campaign's own official videos.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:04 AM on December 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

littlesq: Nope. Just gave that sketch a try, and while it had a couple moments that almost elucidated a chuckle, nothing clicked.

Hume: I get that it's intentional stylistic suck. I tried the clip you linked, and while I did chuckle when the camera fell, but aside from that, it was a complete wash out.
posted by SansPoint at 9:59 AM on December 8, 2013

D-Pants, "these MIDIs aren't sorted", and "for your health!" have all become common taglines in my household.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:23 AM on December 8, 2013

Now watching Tim and Eric's Father and Son. So very good.
posted by zippy at 11:25 AM on December 8, 2013

Eric Wareheim went to my high school, and we were in a lot of the same classes growing up. For one of our English classes, he and a couple of other classmates put together a video short based (very loosely) on Homer's Iliad.

This was 20 years ago, so I can't say that I remember it in great detail, but it definitely had the '90s era cable TV public access show aesthetic, with sloppily-choreographed fighting scenes in the halls of our high school, and in one memorable scene, a slow, dramatic dialogue between two characters with the camera pointed at the mirror in the boys' bathroom. When they showed it to the class, there were a few chuckles, but it definitely had the feel of something that was a lot funnier to the guys who made it than the audience watching it, which is a common critique levied against Tim and Eric's style of anti-humor. I'm definitely not a fan of most of the duo's material, but as a child of the 80s, it was always funny to see them coming back to the same dated, amateurish, intentionally-awkward style for so many of their sketches.
posted by tonycpsu at 11:26 AM on December 8, 2013 [7 favorites]

Please tell me that your high school still has this video.
posted by zippy at 11:27 AM on December 8, 2013

I doubt it. We had a TV channel for morning announcements and stuff, and Eric did A/V stuff for them, but this was done for a class assignment, so it's unlikely they'd have it in their archives.
posted by tonycpsu at 11:29 AM on December 8, 2013

I hadn't seen any of these and just clicked, at random, "It's Not Jackie Chan."

Today. Today is my lucky day.
posted by greenland at 11:30 AM on December 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

OK, I genuinely want to unlock my hard drive with the Tulley Toggle.
posted by ignignokt at 12:14 PM on December 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

I wish I could find a desktop wallpaper sized image of the Cinco Toys logo, like this but larger.
posted by clockworkjoe at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2013

I just noticed that in the food tube commercial Kent is wearing his Bro-och.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:18 PM on December 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

They are going on their double date, Room 641-A.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:25 PM on December 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes, I just realized!!
posted by Room 641-A at 4:44 PM on December 8, 2013

If Cinco were a New Yorker invention, they'd call it a Bröoch.
posted by zippy at 5:11 PM on December 8, 2013

Terry and Mark Cinco
posted by zippy at 11:54 PM on December 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Tim Heidecker talks to Scott Auckerman on Comedy Bang! Bang! about touring with The Who as VP of Alternative Merchandising.

"Terry and Mark Cinco "

And now, the results of the e-trial.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:30 AM on December 9, 2013

The songs of Tim and Eric cannot be spoken of without mentioning the pinnacle of the form: "All the Food is Poison".
posted by FatherDagon at 12:41 PM on December 9, 2013

Terry and Mark Cinco

Is the crowd chanting "stinko"?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:22 PM on December 9, 2013

I can't get into Tim and Eric, but I-Jammer and Celery Man are near perfect.
posted by benzenedream at 10:50 PM on December 10, 2013

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