Do you hear the echoes of Carlos Boozer?

June 3, 2014 10:41 AM

All is lost. Jon Bois (previously) bears witness to the slow, miserable death of the NBA.
posted by creade (29 comments total)

All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost. All is lost.

Fucking dictator Obama.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:55 AM on June 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

Not only did Obama become dictator for life, but he is taking advantage of some sort of anti-aging technology that is not available to NBAers. My favorite bit of trivia is the fact that the last two competent basketball players in the world are making about $4 million each. Maybe some sort of currency devaluation or economic collapse.

3-0, 12OT. I would love/hate to watch this entire game.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:58 AM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

I would not have expected that some dude trying to sabotage a video game would produce some of the most entertaining sports writing on the intertubes, and yet here we are.
posted by mhoye at 11:01 AM on June 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

That was fantastic. I did enjoy Kyrie Irving's 5 MVPS as a 30-35 year old point guard.
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 11:18 AM on June 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

UNTEnable untenable untenable...

Simply beautiful. Jon Bois is playing an entirely different game of sports parody than anyone -- no, than everyone else. Combined.
posted by Etrigan at 11:23 AM on June 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

I would not have expected that some dude trying to sabotage a video game would produce some of the most entertaining sports writing on the intertubes, and yet here we are.

At this date, only two competent sports writers remain in the media industry. Each makes approximately $22,000 a year - most of it for salting SEO keywords into their copy without the knowledge of their employers.

All is lost. All is lost.
posted by Naberius at 11:31 AM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

Wow, Dave Zirin is making more money than I thought.
posted by box at 11:34 AM on June 3, 2014

Even in the Doomsday era, the Bucks can't win another championship. Sigh.
posted by drezdn at 11:35 AM on June 3, 2014

3-0, 12OT. I would love/hate to watch this entire game.

I'm pretty sure that around the third quarter I would offer to go out there and shoot a layup for the highest bidder.
posted by dismas at 11:36 AM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure that the courts would be fenced off for the safety of spectators before that point.
posted by Etrigan at 11:39 AM on June 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

This'd be a fun project for an Elon Musk-type supervillain in a hollowed-out mountain.

Distribute soccer balls and remove hoops throughout the cities, too, to destroy interest and talent development.
posted by codswallop at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

In a February game against the Heat, they start Iman Shumpert even though he has a sprained ankle. They leave him out there for 37 minutes. He scores zero points.

I don't even watch basketball and this was the point where I started laughing until tears were rolling down my cheeks.
posted by murphy slaw at 11:52 AM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

Star Trek: The Next Generation take place in the 2360s. Basketball is never mentioned, and sports in their present form are completely absent. When they dig a man from the 1990s out of cryogenic stasis and bring him aboard, he asks if he can watch an Atlanta Braves game. Nobody seems to know what he's talking about.

Somebody doesn't really know his Star Trek canon. Here's Memory Alpha's page on sports in the franchise. The one sport that's known to have died out by the 24th century is baseball, because Benjamin Sisko often mourns that fact and even tried to revive it once (the Vulcan team kicked the DSNiners' butts). Racquetball still seems to be pretty popular. In general, the theme for sports seems to be not so much that such and such a sport has died out (although the last World Series was played in 2042, only 28 years from now), but that with potentially hundreds of humanoid species in the Federation, there are a lot more to choose from.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:58 AM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

I don't even watch basketball and this was the point where I started laughing until tears were rolling down my cheeks.

I chuckled there, but I laughed-til-I-cried at the plight of poor Bob Jiggity.

Also, the second picture of Obama looks like a bad trip at Madame Tussaud's.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:30 PM on June 3, 2014

Rock Steady: 3-0, 12OT. I would love/hate to watch this entire game.

Also, it just occurred to me, WHY ARE YOU EVEN SHOOTING THREES AFTER ALMOST TWO HOURS OF BRICKS?
posted by Rock Steady at 12:30 PM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

It worked, didn't it?
posted by Etrigan at 12:33 PM on June 3, 2014 [11 favorites]

The elves have left Middle Earth.
posted by JHarris at 1:21 PM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

I didn't understand what this was at first but once I got into it, this was amazing!
posted by cell divide at 1:22 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

I was really hoping that in the 2033-2034 season, after the last of the real players left, 72 year old President for Life Obama would have suited up and joined the league.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:54 PM on June 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

Not a basketball watcher either but I found this delightfully hilarious.
posted by localroger at 4:09 PM on June 3, 2014

Even in the Doomsday era, the Bucks can't win another championship. Sigh.

And 2034 was going to be their year for sure...
posted by MikeMc at 4:20 PM on June 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

I was excited to see the wizards finally made the finals in 2030, in Bradley beal's final year.
posted by skewed at 4:41 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

My favorite part is how Moses Pippy wins the Finals MVP, despite averaging 3.3 points a game and shooting .284 from the field on a team that has Anthony Davis.
posted by King Bee at 5:36 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think this was the most slow burn-y piece of his I've ever seen. I was only wry smiles and mild chuckles for maybe the first half, and then suddenly I was dying.

Bois is one of my favorite writers working these days.
posted by COBRA! at 5:45 PM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

The one sport that's known to have died out by the 24th century is baseball, because Benjamin Sisko often mourns that fact and even tried to revive it once

It's called BASE-ball!

But yeah, as soon as I saw the whole "no sports in Star Trek" graf I was thinking Ben Sisko would have something to say or yell about that.
posted by Spatch at 10:45 PM on June 3, 2014

Goddamn, that was beautiful. No words, really, just a firm knowledge that all is lost.

all is lost

all is lost

all is lost
posted by Ghidorah at 4:20 AM on June 4, 2014

In my headcanon, the string of Doomsday Draft Classes came about because the Chaos Dunks in the Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden universe were powered by basketball talent sucked out of other times and places in the multiverse.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:38 AM on June 4, 2014 [10 favorites]

At least it ended. Worse things could happen.
posted by Appropriate Username at 9:59 AM on June 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

I was thinking about that SCP almost the whole time I was reading that article, Appropriate Username.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:33 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]