Getting to Know Whale Vaginas in 7 Steps
August 22, 2014 8:27 PM   Subscribe



 
no thank u ms whale let's just be friends
posted by elizardbits at 8:43 PM on August 22, 2014 [7 favorites]


Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:45 PM on August 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


San Diego?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:01 PM on August 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh god I can't unsee it.
posted by maryr at 9:10 PM on August 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


no thank u ms whale let's just be friends

I was amazed after the Brobdingnag section when I finally got around to reading it in HS that Gulliver's Travels ever became a children's book.
posted by jamjam at 9:37 PM on August 22, 2014


Can we please get equal time for the huge dicks that male baleen whales need to have to overcome these obstacles?
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:00 PM on August 22, 2014


I saw on tv that whales have never been observed during the act of copulation by scientists in the wild.
posted by Meatafoecure at 10:07 PM on August 22, 2014


Well, to be fair, if there's copulation by scientists going on...is that really "the wild" or an arguably altered environment? ◔̯◔

This post is amazing, and probably the freakiest thing I've learned about nature from the Internet since all the duck sex stuff was going around a while back.
posted by trackofalljades at 10:16 PM on August 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


A Walk To Remember.
posted by The Whelk at 10:17 PM on August 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


To be fair, the giant whale vagina is entirely appropriate for the giant whale penis.

It should be a porn category. If it isn't already.

Please don't tell me if it is.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:18 PM on August 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


As you request, InsertNiftyNameHere.
posted by the Real Dan at 10:25 PM on August 22, 2014


MetaFilter: Right now, penises get far more attention than vaginas in the science world.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:30 PM on August 22, 2014


The Whalemaker Lounge at Ivar's Salmon House in Seattle has two giant whale penises on display and, perhaps not coincidentally, is the worst place to pick up nubile young tourist chicks.

From my unedited guide "Sleazy in Seattle".
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:58 PM on August 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


This drone thing is getting out of hand, from the article:
“These guys are really good at driving tiny cameras around the reproductive tracts of marine mammals,”
posted by 445supermag at 11:02 PM on August 22, 2014


You can go to Sex in the sea for more salty shenanigans! I wish I had included that link in the original post.
posted by viggorlijah at 11:08 PM on August 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


Upon seeing that Iceland has a museum dedicated to mammal penises, I mused over how a similarly themed museum in the States would be met with coyness and tee-hee's, and how those Icelanders must have such mature views on sexual anatomy.

The existence of the Flashing Man ("[an] electronic plastic doll that flashes and makes dirty jokes. Movement activated.") and a t-shirt with the (clever?) slogan, "This museum is not for pussies," in the gift shop complicated matters.
posted by Don Don at 11:21 PM on August 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


They have never seen some whales, like humpbacks, but southern right whales are happy to get it on right in front of the scientists. And tourists. And nature film makers.
posted by tavella at 11:30 PM on August 22, 2014


Icelanders must have such mature views on sexual anatomy.

Nobody has mature views on this. Many cultures have elaborate joke sculptures about penises. It's not something to be ashamed of, as I keep telling my two young boys.

Really... these things will never be anything but funny to all humanity: penises, farts, poop, stinkiness in general, uncomfortable sexuality, odd human forms, anything involving both a panda and a kumquat.

That's just the way it is. Revel in your humanity!

I'm pretty sure the whales don't make penis jokes between themselves (using their hyper-evolved whale language). They're comfortable with that.

But God, when a whale farts!! It's a guffaw for humpacks and blue whales for miles around!
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:37 PM on August 22, 2014 [4 favorites]


And nature film makers.

If I knew Attenborough was going to narrate, I might be on board too.
posted by darksasami at 11:58 PM on August 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


There's a Moby Dick joke in here somewhere that's far too cheap
and obvious for gentle-folks like myself to sink to.
posted by Chitownfats at 1:05 AM on August 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


A Walk To Remember.

Spoiler alert please - I had no idea the female whale died in this FPP.
posted by fairmettle at 3:44 AM on August 23, 2014


I can't believe I get a chance to link to Green Porno. Don't worry scientists, Isabella Rossillini has whale sex covered!
posted by Popular Ethics at 7:10 AM on August 23, 2014


San Diego?

If you'd RTFA you'd see it makes this joke itself.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:49 AM on August 23, 2014


There's a Moby Dick joke in here somewhere that's far too cheap
and obvious for gentle-folks like myself to sink to.


Yeah, I'm not going there, either. Let's leave it to Queequeg, eh?
posted by Ahab at 7:54 AM on August 23, 2014


If you'd RTFA you'd see it makes this joke itself

Oh well. When in Rome.
posted by maxsparber at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2014


I guess I'm the only one who immediately thought of Nam June Paik's excellent work of Fluxus: Danger Music for Dick Higgins: Climb inside the vagina of a living whale.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:19 AM on August 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Excerpt:
She admits it’s an awkward conversation, even among scientists. But it works. As long as there are no mail mix-ups:

“Awesome! My new microscope arrived… ?? What the @#$%?”

I bet.
posted by Michele in California at 3:35 PM on August 23, 2014


Can we please get equal time for the huge dicks that male baleen whales need to have to overcome these obstacles?

Did you read the article? "You can expect a blog soon on the male side of the equation. I wouldn’t want to be biased, after all."
posted by John Cohen at 10:18 PM on August 23, 2014


We spend so much time on huge dicks already.

Also, I guess this is quibbling but these vaginas are mostly not extremely large. And I'm not sure about "walking through" the largest whale vagina that is mentioned in the article. I mean, you could sort of shimmy through it but it's not as large as a door. I don't know what the world's biggest whale dick would even do with that.
posted by amanda at 11:09 PM on August 23, 2014


Penises don't fit vaginas, though. It's the baby exiting that is the maximum size requirement.n this case, with the need to keep seawater out, I wonder how much of the size and complexity of the whale's vagina is due to the size of the calve vs the water barrier. I wonder how a cervix in a marine mammal works at great depths - can pregnant whales dive as deep?
posted by viggorlijah at 11:21 PM on August 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


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