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September 16, 2014 11:23 AM   Subscribe

Relax on your pristine white couch and enjoy these realistic depictions of motherhood.
posted by EndsOfInvention (73 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
 
"We are all sleeping."

LIES.
posted by Kabanos at 11:27 AM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


"Working from home is a breeze because infants do not need constant care!"

Actually my job is striking random keys and having a lap full of poop, so I've actually been really productive working from home.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:43 AM on September 16, 2014 [32 favorites]


Actually my job is striking random keys and having a lap full of poop

One of John Cage's lesser-appreciated works for solo piano.
posted by Think_Long at 11:46 AM on September 16, 2014 [36 favorites]


Was gonna make a GG Allen joke, but that will do.
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:48 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Everything was so bright these could have been ads for dental whitening strips.
posted by GrapeApiary at 11:51 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Why so many stock photos of dual breast pump setups? Practical but pretty unphotogenic.
posted by GuyZero at 11:53 AM on September 16, 2014


Sent this to my wife. Her reply: "Snort"
posted by WinnipegDragon at 11:53 AM on September 16, 2014


I start my new job as a stay-at-home dad on Monday. This makes me feel better.
posted by Brodiggitty at 11:54 AM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


I really do appreciate this because depictions of women and motherhood in many forms of media, especially ads, drive me absolutely effing bonkers. It's like a lot of advertising executives learned that women work outside the home with more frequency now and thought "awesome, now it is even easier to make them feel like inadequate human beings because they don't have time to do all that home stuff but we'll make them think they're failures if their families and homes aren't spotless!"*

All those ads about men being clueless buffoons who can't cook and how high-powered executive Mom comes home to her three kids and hapless partner to make a great meal drive me crazy and are so insulting to everyone, including my husband who is a great cook and ME WHO DOES NOT WANT TO COOK AND SHOULD NOT HAVE TO AUTOMATICALLY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA. Conveying to women that it is plausible and expected for them to have houses and children just as gorgeous and clean as they would if they didn't work is bullshit. Anything that demonstrates how unfair and insidious and unrealistic these expectations are is good in my book.

*It's pretty plausible that this is exactly what happened.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:55 AM on September 16, 2014 [20 favorites]


My cousin has a toddler, and her facebook/instagram feed is chock full of these beautiful, softly lit photos of her, her husband, and her toddler all being beautiful and beachy and clean and slightly impossible.

It was pretty amusing seeing her in person last month and watching the little guy smash mashed potatoes into everything within a 4' radius, including my cousin's beautiful soft beachy hair, and walk around with a permanent snot bubble hanging off his face.

I want more realistic depictions of parenthood, please. Thank you.
posted by phunniemee at 11:57 AM on September 16, 2014 [30 favorites]


WHAT is with the dual breast pumps? Is that a thing? I've only ever seen the one at a time kind.

I wonder how many of the women in those pics actually have kids and know they are depicting lies.
posted by sio42 at 12:03 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Really? I've only ever seen the double kind. Why would you just do one at a time? It would take twice as long!!

I like the stirring-the-empty-pot one.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 12:10 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


If you need to express breast milk from both breasts, you only have to do it for half as long if you have a double pump. Most women who pump on the regular use one of these. The hands-free business, while it looks like a milking machine, is good for women who enjoy using their hands for typing and feeding themselves, rather than for holding flanges to their nipples for twenty to forty minutes at a time. (Cue chorus of "That's why I'm never having children!")

I have never seen a dual pump used in the front window of a restaurant, though.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:12 PM on September 16, 2014 [23 favorites]


Dual pumping triggers more letdowns and is far more efficient than the alternative. And that hands-free pumping bra is actually pretty awesome.
posted by annekate at 12:12 PM on September 16, 2014


(Cue chorus of "That's why I'm never having children!")

No but seriously. The existence and necessity of breast pumps is 100% why. These images are horrifying.
posted by bleep at 12:13 PM on September 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


I love the "breastfeeding makes me feel sexy!" one. I was totally floored, during my last excursion into the world of nursing bras, by the brand HOT MILK which is apparently the Frederick's of Hollywood for Lactators. As a wearer of hopefully cute but basically utilitarian underwear when not nursing, this whole Sexy Nursing Bra thing just whaaaaa bleeeep bloop
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:14 PM on September 16, 2014 [19 favorites]


In my mind I keep thinking of these as "duel breast pumps" which leads me to mental images of pumping women running at each other jousting style while Dueling Breast Pumps plays on banjo.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:15 PM on September 16, 2014 [20 favorites]


I like the stirring-the-empty-pot one.

It's actually not empty. I'll grant it's hard to see, but there is stuff in the pot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:15 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


The hands-free business, while it looks like a milking machine

Looks like?
posted by bondcliff at 12:16 PM on September 16, 2014 [21 favorites]


Yes, bondcliff. Yes. See also SEXY NURSING BRAS (above), to be worn while people make moooo-dairy-cow cracks at you, I guess. Can't win.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:22 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


(Sorry, just spent 18 months of my life on the receiving end of HAHAHA IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A COW! AND ALSO BOOBS! Apparently I'm still tired of it. Carry on.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:23 PM on September 16, 2014 [14 favorites]


Sorry, I didn't mean to offend, nor was I making a comparison to a cow. It's just that it is a machine to express milk. It's a milking machine.

I promise you I fully understand the horrors of breastfeeding, probably more than most men.
posted by bondcliff at 12:27 PM on September 16, 2014


chesty_a_arthur: I hear you. I remember being uncomfortable on the real first day of weaning and getting "Oh this is like milk fever in cows" from a former farmer. Yes, just like milk fever except the part where I have opposable thumbs that can help me disembowel you.

The one with the crib assembly made me laugh so hard! Sooo many fights about baby furniture, my god.
posted by Lardmitten at 12:28 PM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


There was salad. And women. Also laughing.

Wait, that was me.
posted by tommasz at 12:29 PM on September 16, 2014


I promise you I fully understand the horrors of breastfeeding, probably more than most men.

I think you need to explain this because otherwise I'm going to be left with some very strange mental images.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:31 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Dibs on "Lap Full of Poop" as a band name...
posted by Billiken at 12:31 PM on September 16, 2014


Needs more salad and inability to drink water.
posted by blue_beetle at 12:34 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


I think you need to explain this because otherwise I'm going to be left with some very strange mental images.

It's been 12 years, so by now it's mostly just a blur of tears, lactation consultants, supplemental feeding bottles, daily weigh-ins, doctor visits, guilt, more tears, sleepless nights, still more tears, pain (mostly not mine), more guilt, and eventually relief when we finally gave in and switched to formula despite the fact that so many people led us to believe our child would surely grow up... wrong somehow.
posted by bondcliff at 12:38 PM on September 16, 2014 [19 favorites]


Oh my fuck this is hilarious. The simplest ones are the funniest, like "We are all wearing clean clothes."
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:39 PM on September 16, 2014 [12 favorites]


* wince * My sympathies. Yeah, the "breastfeeding or bust" advocates can be unpleasant. I know that and I've never even been pregnant.

To lighten the mood, I'll share that I was envisioning some sort of freakish "what the hell ass balls I'm a guy and I'm lactating" incident that came about due to some weird dietary change in your company's cafeteria break room or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:41 PM on September 16, 2014 [11 favorites]


Until this FPP "double pumper" just made me think of this.
posted by TedW at 12:41 PM on September 16, 2014


Soooo, I have never borne a child nor otherwise lactated. I do have (very) big boobs. It is unbelieeeevably difficult to find underwire-free non-sports cotton(-ish? at least?) bras that are comfortable for just lounging around or going on, like, one errand while wearing two outer layers or whatever -- so very much more so if you want one that is even in the REALM of "cute."

Enter: Target Women's Comfort Sleep Nursing Bra. Black and white polka dot with a tiny lace trim. Found while wandering despondently in the lingerie section and decided, "fuck it." My boyfriend has not yet discovered the "secret" panel-release mechanism and probably never will, and meanwhile calls the bra "so sexy!!" while ignoring some other ridiculously expensive (and ungodly-ly uncomfortable) lacy Nordstrom numbers.

Until this thread I have never found such a good opportunity to share this tip with my sisters in boobage. Thanks, EndsOfInvention and itsliketheyknowus!
posted by argonauta at 12:43 PM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


Yeah, EmpressCallipygos, I'd rather not get into the time they put too much Fenugreek into the curry.
posted by bondcliff at 12:45 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


I like the stirring-the-empty-pot one.

It's actually not empty. I'll grant it's hard to see, but there is stuff in the pot.


Yes, but is the one or two tomatoes enough for all that spag....holy cow that's a lot of dry spaghetti! I hope the army they are feeding likes it without sauce. And why are there packed bags of strange groceries right next to the stove while she is cooking? Those are the weirdest shaped grocery bags I've ever seen. Do they really put stoves inside wooden tables? It is like a puzzle photos: find anything in the picture that makes any sense.
posted by eye of newt at 12:47 PM on September 16, 2014 [5 favorites]


I think guys like the whole boobs full of milk thing
posted by colie at 12:49 PM on September 16, 2014


this whole Sexy Nursing Bra thing just whaaaaa bleeeep bloop

I guess this depends on your perspective. I like cute underthings, and now that I have an infant I'm staring down six to twelve months of boring bras and feeling quite dismayed. (It's on the seventh or eighth page of the list of things I care about, but it's on there.) Most lingerie stores might as well have a sign reading NOT FOR YOU on their doors. It's like if shoe stores sold four thousand types of luxurious soft-soled house slippers, with three types of walking shoes, all hideous, hidden in the back corner.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:53 PM on September 16, 2014 [9 favorites]


I think most of the folks here are aware that many "guys like the whole boobs full of milk thing."
posted by argonauta at 1:00 PM on September 16, 2014


These are great. I lolled at "I'm so glad we’re raising our child on the set of the Total Eclipse of the Heart video."
posted by jbickers at 1:02 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


"We are all wearing clean clothes."

And everything else is clean, too. Our kids are both in their 20s and we still find the occasional toy or piece of old dried food under things that haven't moved in a while.
posted by tommasz at 1:02 PM on September 16, 2014 [15 favorites]


I saw this yesterday. My daughter is, I believe, going through what's called a "4 month sleep regression", which basically means that she screams all day when she should be napping. These helped.
posted by wormwood23 at 1:02 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


As a former member in good standing of La Leche League, I nursed my son until he was nearly three (by which time it was down to a few minutes at bedtime). Just looking at the pictures on this site has caused a primal physical reaction so that my boobs are now trying hard to let down and it's hella uncomfortable. This also happens whenever I hear a newborn cry.

Please note that I am well advanced in menopause and have not actively lactated since 1990. Breastfeeding: you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
posted by jokeefe at 1:13 PM on September 16, 2014 [26 favorites]


(Sorry, just spent 18 months of my life on the receiving end of HAHAHA IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A COW! AND ALSO BOOBS! Apparently I'm still tired of it. Carry on.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:23 PM on September 16


I will not make the otherwise necessary eponysterical comment then.


Oh wait. Dang it.
posted by vorpal bunny at 1:16 PM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


Love the abs.
posted by alms at 1:17 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Love the abs!

Seriously. Also, did it HAVE to be cereal? Couldn't she be eating any other food item (sushi! pizza! grilled cheese! EVEN SALAD!) that doesn't by definition come "with milk??"
posted by argonauta at 1:21 PM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


argonauta, that is my current favorite nursing bra. Just can't wear necklines that are low-ish. But so comfy! And reasonably priced! I should have bought twelve of those suckers.
posted by jillithd at 1:21 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


bondcliff: ...more guilt, and eventually relief when we finally gave in and switched to formula despite the fact that so many people led us to believe our child would surely grow up... wrong somehow.

As a public service announcement, I hope that everyone is aware by now of the sibling study showing that the benefits of breastfeeding have been waaaaay overstated and appear to be an artefact of something else (probably some combination of socioeconomic status and other child-rearing habits and other stuff we haven't figured out yet).
posted by clawsoon at 1:21 PM on September 16, 2014 [12 favorites]


At last three of my son's four heads would agree with you.
posted by bondcliff at 1:24 PM on September 16, 2014 [13 favorites]


I promise you I fully understand the horrors of breastfeeding, probably more than most men.

I think you need to explain this because otherwise I'm going to be left with some very strange mental images.


Perhaps he watched this video.
I'm sorry. Dad Labs helped me through the early stages of parenthood.
posted by Seamus at 1:34 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Stop making me laugh. I finally got my grandson to sleep.
posted by theora55 at 1:34 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


"We are all sleeping."

LIES.


You don't see all of the drugs and whisky sitting behind this idyllic picture to make the moment possible.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:36 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


Thanks, I needed the LOLs. As someone who’s had to use stock photos I get a kick out of all these tumblrs. And as an ex musician, I also liked one of people “playing” the violin. (Can’t find the URL.)

(Cue chorus of "That's why I'm never having children!") The existence and necessity of breast pumps is 100% why. These images are horrifying.

And the whole idea of “pushing something the size of 1.5 basketballs out your woo-woo” didn’t already discourage you.
posted by NorthernLite at 1:36 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there…"
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 1:41 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


While I'm feeling nostagic, getting together with other lactating women was fun, especially the "aiming for the opposite wall" contests with points for height and distance.
posted by jokeefe at 1:42 PM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


I read this thread, and while many of the comments are funny, I can't help but think that reproductive hormones must be one powerful as hell batch of organic chemistry for any person to have more than one child.
posted by Mooski at 1:49 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


And the whole idea of “pushing something the size of 1.5 basketballs out your woo-woo” didn’t already discourage you.

A one-time medical procedure is different from spending all of my free time for the next several years with machines hooked up to my chest. My current attitude about kids is that if I had the luxury of staying at home for the rest of my life I'd be all over it. Having to run around like a crazy person and scrambling for cash every hour of the day to keep everyone fed and clothed and housed in addition to strapping sucking machines to my chest on every work break is more than I want to deal with.
posted by bleep at 1:50 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


While I'm feeling nostalgic, getting together with other lactating women was fun, especially the "aiming for the opposite wall" contests with points for height and distance.

Oh, man, I wish I was your friend. One that sounds fun, and two, when nursing my first child I would have totally crushed the competition!
posted by dawg-proud at 1:51 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


I read this thread, and while many of the comments are funny, I can't help but think that reproductive hormones must be one powerful as hell batch of organic chemistry for any person to have more than one child.

There's that, sure, but some people actually really don't mind all the crazy that goes along with raising children. I would have had more than two if I had been physically capable of doing so. Then again, my mindset for most of my life has been "this too shall pass" and that helped get me through some awful things.

And they don't stay little and needy and filthy forever. It's a blip, really.
posted by cooker girl at 1:53 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


The putting the crib together one was funny.
posted by latkes at 1:54 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Why is the spag in a tiny tiny pot with no water in it and no flame under it? Is this from one of those recipe books?

"Invert box of Ronzoni into a small dry saucepan and set aside. Over no heat and with a two-foot-long spoon, gently fold 1/2 of the minced olive into the eighth cup of tomato paste (do not allow olive-paste mixture to touch the sides of the pan)."

(What happened to the child's arm?)

(Y'all. I totally have that exact frying pan. I should be a model.)
posted by Don Pepino at 2:16 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


And as an ex musician, I also liked one of people “playing” the violin. (Can’t find the URL.)

Not sure if this is the right tumblr, but this image ties in nicely with the motherhood theme.

And oh god I cringe every time a film or TV actor "plays" a violin. Like Brent Spiner in every episode of Star Trek TNG ever.
posted by Kabanos at 2:23 PM on September 16, 2014 [7 favorites]


I think most of the folks here are aware that many "guys like the whole boobs full of milk thing."

Pair 'em with some chapped, bleeding nipples and have yourself a humdinger of a time.

Or maybe you'd prefer rock-hard boobs that are painful to the slightest touch, along with a raging fever from an infected milk duct.

Constant leakage, especially when you hear a baby on TV because your boobs are not that smart? Instant wet t-shirt contest, even in the workplace!

I will always be grateful to the women who advised me to save my post-childbirth painkillers for the first few weeks of nursing.

I love my children, but there is nothing calm, white, or smiley about that first year.
posted by bibliowench at 2:38 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


When I go on Dragon's Den it's going to be for a range of smart office wear (for both genders) that's the exact colour of regurgitated breast milk/formula, for those times when you don't realise it's all over your left shoulder until you look in the mirror at work about an hour after you got there.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:46 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


Recently seen on tumblr (warning: artistic b&w baby poop photography.)
posted by artychoke at 3:07 PM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


especially when you hear a baby on TV because your boobs are not that smart?

my boobs are now trying hard to let down and it's hella uncomfortable. This also happens whenever I hear a newborn cry.

TIL... I never realized there was this mental component to human lactation, but I guess it makes some sense.
posted by smidgen at 4:25 PM on September 16, 2014


Mr. BlahLaLa laughed out loud at "we are all sleeping."
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:05 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would never pump at work, formula is great IMO. I liked pumping, though, it was super satisfying when it worked, which was most of the time (I ended up with extra milk). Way better than nursing, which was gross and frustrating. They get spit on you, bluuuuhh
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:59 PM on September 16, 2014


I really hate being damp
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:59 PM on September 16, 2014


I exclusively pumped for four months. Sexy bras would have been wasted as the very thought of anything touching my nipples made me want to curl up and cry. I am only now starting to feel like a person again.

I can tell you that the only reason I'm okay with having a second kid eventually is that I've already decided I'm not going to breastfeed again. Freeeeeedoooooooooooom.
posted by lydhre at 6:30 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


omg, Hot Milk! They're a kiwi brand, and my sister sent me two bras when I was pregnant and I have just lived in them for the past three years. I am actually planning to buy more Hot Milk bras this year even though I'm not pregnant or nursing any longer because they are so comfortable AND pretty for big boobs. Bras that have lace and colour and make your breasts look amazing for about $40 each with free international delivery? LOVE.

Also, cutting small Xs in an old sports bra and fitting the flanges inside is the cheapo-version of the double pumping corsets and totally works.
posted by viggorlijah at 7:38 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Uncanny valley baby :/
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:33 PM on September 18, 2014


Recently seen on tumblr (warning: artistic b&w baby poop photography.)

You've reminded me of a moment from visiting my best friend a month after her daughter was born - at some point she withdrew into the nursery for diaper duty and I was helping wash dishes or something, when I heard her screech. And then, start laughing hysterically. I ran into the nursery asking "what? What is it?" My friend couldn't speak - she was still laughing in speechless horror, and she pointed at the far wall.

The wall six feet across the room.

Where the spray of poo had just landed.

It is probably no surprise that this was my friend's only child
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:46 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]


EmpressCallipygos, I swear to god, that happened with my youngest baby for a couple of months every day at 10 am like clockwork and then sometimes she'd do it a second time at about 10:30 am. She'd manage to poop through all her layers of clothes and sometimes through a couple of layers of mine. Every fucking day. Different diaper brands did not help. I considered just carrying her around in a bucket. Stupid breastfeeding. (She's six now. She didn't die of some sort of un-diagnosed explosive poop disease.)

I really like that picture.
posted by artychoke at 7:12 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]




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