GOOD EMAIL
January 26, 2015 6:42 AM Subscribe
Someone is using an email address similar to mine on fetish sites, which gets me 'interesting' email subject lines at least once a week.
posted by empath at 6:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by empath at 6:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have a boss who regularly (more than 50% of her total email output) sends emails with no subject at all. I found it irritating for a long time, but I grudgingly respect the way it firmly fixes attention on the email itself. It's a gamification of email. Until I open it, I have no idea whether it's urgent or totally unimportant! And so I must open it as soon as possible!
posted by penduluum at 7:00 AM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by penduluum at 7:00 AM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
I had a supervisor who liked to send e-mails with the all of the information in the subject line and nothing in the body. It was amusingly like getting a telegram until the day I realized it meant that she also never read the bodies of anyone else's e-mails, after she called me to yell about how she had read the subject line of my e-mail, and reacted in the way I had explicitly asked her not to do in the first paragraph of the e-mail.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]
This is funny enough to justify a FPP. Especially the part about daughters. Thanks.
posted by straight at 7:08 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by straight at 7:08 AM on January 26, 2015
If they don’t have a daughter, instead write, “YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.”
Implementing ASAP. I love you.
posted by signal at 7:14 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Implementing ASAP. I love you.
posted by signal at 7:14 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
5. Bosses love sea life facts: It can be intimidating to write to your boss, but don’t worry. If you know any good facts about ocean trenches or weird fish, throw them in the subject line, and your boss will give you a promotion.
The fact that I would 100% do this is possibly related to why I am no one's boss.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:18 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
The fact that I would 100% do this is possibly related to why I am no one's boss.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:18 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I live the way ClickHole has sponsored links below its insane stories. It subtly reinforces the impression that whatever is in the earnest sponsored links is as crazy or crazier than what you just read.
posted by infinitewindow at 7:25 AM on January 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 7:25 AM on January 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
I don't know. Sea life facts would be much more of a pleasure to read than 80% of the email I get on a regular basis.
posted by blucevalo at 7:26 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by blucevalo at 7:26 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
^ yeah, seconding this. Everyone pls send only sea life facts henceforth, thanks!
posted by LooseFilter at 7:33 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by LooseFilter at 7:33 AM on January 26, 2015
I live the way ClickHole has sponsored links below its insane stories. It subtly reinforces the impression that whatever is in the earnest sponsored links is as crazy or crazier than what you just read.
I hadn't put it together that this was intentional, but yeah, the Taboola ads are hilariously indistinguishable from Clickhole content. The three I got were:
10 Celebs You Didn't Know Are Black
How To Pretend To Be Good In Bed
RLY?! These Might Be The Most INSANE Bathing Suits EVER!!
posted by almostmanda at 7:39 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
I hadn't put it together that this was intentional, but yeah, the Taboola ads are hilariously indistinguishable from Clickhole content. The three I got were:
10 Celebs You Didn't Know Are Black
How To Pretend To Be Good In Bed
RLY?! These Might Be The Most INSANE Bathing Suits EVER!!
posted by almostmanda at 7:39 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Include one of these babies ¿ in every subject line: Even if your subject is not a question, people are going to write back to ask how you typed that.
How do you do that? I had to cut and paste just to post it here.
posted by TedW at 7:43 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do you do that? I had to cut and paste just to post it here.
posted by TedW at 7:43 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Tremble all before me. I just checked my archives and I feel safe in saying around 40% of my email subject lines pertain to sea life. Dead sea life for the most part but it counts.
22 contained the word schist, and about 10 specifically used the phrase "ocean trench." Also I used the word pheasant twice (both times to my brother, once asking about his pheasant hunting and the second calling him "pheasant face").
I am the MOST AWESOME E-MAILER ALIVE.
posted by barchan at 7:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
22 contained the word schist, and about 10 specifically used the phrase "ocean trench." Also I used the word pheasant twice (both times to my brother, once asking about his pheasant hunting and the second calling him "pheasant face").
I am the MOST AWESOME E-MAILER ALIVE.
posted by barchan at 7:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
How do you do that? I had to cut and paste just to post it here.
˙sᴉɥʇ ǝʞᴉl 'pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɹnoʎ uo uoʇʇnq sᴉxɐ-⅄ ʇɹǝʌuᴉ ǝɥʇ ǝsn no⅄
posted by empath at 7:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
˙sᴉɥʇ ǝʞᴉl 'pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɹnoʎ uo uoʇʇnq sᴉxɐ-⅄ ʇɹǝʌuᴉ ǝɥʇ ǝsn no⅄
posted by empath at 7:45 AM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Someone is using an email address similar to mine on fetish sites, which gets me 'interesting' email subject lines at least once a week.
I need to remember that for the next time someone asks me about my unusual emails.
posted by suetanvil at 7:48 AM on January 26, 2015
I need to remember that for the next time someone asks me about my unusual emails.
posted by suetanvil at 7:48 AM on January 26, 2015
This post needs the "ihaveyourdaughter" tag, to ensure maximum views.
posted by nubs at 8:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nubs at 8:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
My wife refuses to use subject lines or create new emails, she just finds a random old one and replies to it. This leads me to endlessly freak out thinking that the heating has broken again or we're months overdue with a bill, only to find that she actually wants me to buy eggs or something.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [25 favorites]
This is a GOOD EMAIL about your Daughter and her New Position (Think Seahorse, not missionary.) Aaaanyhoo, I love you.
posted by 724A at 8:16 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by 724A at 8:16 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
TheophileEscargot your wife is conserving space in the cloud and is A Hero
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:18 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:18 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
People with bizarre email habits are the worst.
My partner's ex-boss used to let him know about interesting/useful articles to read by emailing the url to the article in the subject line of a body-less email, so you'd need to select and copy the long-ass url from the subject line and paste it into the browser to see what he thought was so interesting.
posted by quaking fajita at 8:26 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
My partner's ex-boss used to let him know about interesting/useful articles to read by emailing the url to the article in the subject line of a body-less email, so you'd need to select and copy the long-ass url from the subject line and paste it into the browser to see what he thought was so interesting.
posted by quaking fajita at 8:26 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
GOOD POST.
posted by michaelh at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by michaelh at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
My partner's ex-boss used to let him know about interesting/useful articles to read by emailing the url to the article in the subject line of a body-less email
I have a couple family members who never use the body of the email, preferring to write the entire email in the subject area. Makes their messages almost impossible to read since most email programs cut off after a certain character limit in the subject line.
posted by msbrauer at 8:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have a couple family members who never use the body of the email, preferring to write the entire email in the subject area. Makes their messages almost impossible to read since most email programs cut off after a certain character limit in the subject line.
posted by msbrauer at 8:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
My lovely wife, when she does use the Subject field, almost always goes with "Hi!" Looking at my mailbox of her past messages makes me feel so cheery and friendly.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:00 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:00 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
This post needs the "ihaveyourdaughter" tag, to ensure maximum views.
Just never use this one if you have Liam Neeson in your address book.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:12 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just never use this one if you have Liam Neeson in your address book.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:12 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
clickhole. i will never go there.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:14 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:14 AM on January 26, 2015
also: christ, what a clickhole.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:15 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:15 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I thought this was going to feature the emails of Organizing For America with the notes from Joe Biden that have subject lines like "Hey" or "'Sup?" or "LOL"
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 9:35 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 9:35 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Xenophyophores are single-celled animals that can grow to the size of your fist, are found on the deep ocean floor, and have multi-cellular organisms living on them.
My obscure sealife facts finally have a use!
posted by BigCalm at 9:39 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
My obscure sealife facts finally have a use!
posted by BigCalm at 9:39 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I cannot abide people who refuse to take a stand on Jeremy Piven. Right or wrong, you cannot stand on the sidelines.
posted by Etrigan at 9:54 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 9:54 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Baby sponges have a nervous system (brain) and swim around until they find a good place to chill. Then they start chilling and physically kick out their brains and goes on being a sea sponge.
posted by porpoise at 10:03 AM on January 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by porpoise at 10:03 AM on January 26, 2015 [11 favorites]
Xenophyophores are single-celled animals that can grow to the size of your fist
Wait what no come on I refuse to Google that in the deepest hope that you are making this up
posted by Mooseli at 10:03 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wait what no come on I refuse to Google that in the deepest hope that you are making this up
posted by Mooseli at 10:03 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
My wife refuses to use subject lines or create new emails, she just finds a random old one and replies to it.
DTMFA.
jk i'm sure your wife is great
no but really dtmfa
posted by Aizkolari at 10:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
DTMFA.
jk i'm sure your wife is great
no but really dtmfa
posted by Aizkolari at 10:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
This post needs the "ihaveyourdaughter" tag, to ensure maximum views.
Just never use this one if you have Liam Neeson in your address book
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will spam you.
posted by nubs at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just never use this one if you have Liam Neeson in your address book
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will spam you.
posted by nubs at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Came for the snark about subject lines, stayed for the legitimately interesting sea life facts.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Like the bison of the American plains, sea sponges in the Mediterranean sea were anthropogenically depleted, due to their being prized as bumwipe by the Roman empire.
posted by porpoise at 10:23 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by porpoise at 10:23 AM on January 26, 2015
I cannot abide people who refuse to take a stand on Jeremy Piven. Right or wrong, you cannot stand on the sidelines.
I worked for an environmental organization, and we were creating educational materials about mercury exposure.
I pushed hard for a "Piven Scale" -- "How toxic is that power plant to your neighborhood? It's about three Pivens" -- but wiser heads prevailed.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:24 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
I worked for an environmental organization, and we were creating educational materials about mercury exposure.
I pushed hard for a "Piven Scale" -- "How toxic is that power plant to your neighborhood? It's about three Pivens" -- but wiser heads prevailed.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:24 AM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
The most irritating person in my office uses the same subject line for every single email no matter what the content. "An Email From $hisname," even though his name is his email address and everyone can clearly see that this is an email from him.
i delete them all unread and i don't even care
posted by poffin boffin at 10:43 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
i delete them all unread and i don't even care
posted by poffin boffin at 10:43 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ah, yes. My mom's default subject line when she can't think of anything more specific is "Greetings from Firstname Lastname."
posted by ocherdraco at 10:47 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by ocherdraco at 10:47 AM on January 26, 2015
Did you know that the lobster is technically a species of beetle? It's true!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:52 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:52 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mooseli: "Xenophyophores are single-celled animals that can grow to the size of your fist
Wait what no come on I refuse to Google that in the deepest hope that you are making this up"
They're quite beautiful.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:05 AM on January 26, 2015
Wait what no come on I refuse to Google that in the deepest hope that you are making this up"
They're quite beautiful.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:05 AM on January 26, 2015
poffin boffin: "The most irritating person in my office uses the same subject line for every single email no matter what the content. "An Email From $hisname," even though his name is his email address and everyone can clearly see that this is an email from him.
i delete them all unread and i don't even care"
This is fairly common, I think. I have a client right now a full half of whose emails have either the subject line "From $full_name" or just "$full_name". Maybe not so much a nuisance when it's a client on a single project, since I already know what the mail's going to be about.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:08 AM on January 26, 2015
i delete them all unread and i don't even care"
This is fairly common, I think. I have a client right now a full half of whose emails have either the subject line "From $full_name" or just "$full_name". Maybe not so much a nuisance when it's a client on a single project, since I already know what the mail's going to be about.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:08 AM on January 26, 2015
If you want your inter-office email to get read, make sure it includes an adjective in the subject line, then append -ass or -as-fuck. "List of applicants"? No. "List of good-ass applicants." or "List of qualified-as-fuck applicants."
It will get read.
posted by ctmf at 11:35 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
It will get read.
posted by ctmf at 11:35 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
This post needs the "ihaveyourdaughter" tag, to ensure maximum views.
Also the "youhaveadaughter" tag, to ensure it gets all the views.
posted by straight at 11:37 AM on January 26, 2015
Also the "youhaveadaughter" tag, to ensure it gets all the views.
posted by straight at 11:37 AM on January 26, 2015
A client regularly sends emails that say "PLEASE READ" in the subject line. I read all of their G--D--- emails but those marked "PLEASE READ" are the ones I would happily delete without reading.
posted by janey47 at 11:45 AM on January 26, 2015
posted by janey47 at 11:45 AM on January 26, 2015
A client regularly sends emails that say "PLEASE READ" in the subject line.
I had someone do that exact thing to me for months before he realized that all of my replies had the subject line "Re: PLEASE READ - No."
posted by Etrigan at 11:55 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I had someone do that exact thing to me for months before he realized that all of my replies had the subject line "Re: PLEASE READ - No."
posted by Etrigan at 11:55 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ugh I just an e-mail from my coworker who puts as the subject line to all e-mails: "RE:" then what a normal person would put as the subject line to the e-mail. I assume it's a holdover from that as a memo writing convention, but it drives me crazy because it makes me assume it's a reply to an e-mail I never got.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:57 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:57 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Although I might experiment with click-bait headlines for mundane things in email. "17 reasons I won't be attending the plan of the week meeting" might at least be memorable enough to keep a half dozen people from assuming I'm going to be there even after I've said I'm not.
posted by ctmf at 11:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 11:59 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Bulgaroktonos, that's brilliant. I'm going to do that sometimes, too. But only to people I think are organized enough to even notice it.
posted by ctmf at 12:01 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by ctmf at 12:01 PM on January 26, 2015
RE: Henry
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 12:08 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 12:08 PM on January 26, 2015
A client regularly sends emails that say "PLEASE READ" in the subject line.
My mom does the same thing. Mostly because i never reply to her emails.
posted by empath at 12:09 PM on January 26, 2015
My mom does the same thing. Mostly because i never reply to her emails.
posted by empath at 12:09 PM on January 26, 2015
I just tried sending out a business e-mail with the subject line SEAHORSES and got a very disappointed e-mail back with "Where are the seahorses?"
Everybody loves seahorses. And free floating pelagic tunicates.
posted by barchan at 12:35 PM on January 26, 2015
Everybody loves seahorses. And free floating pelagic tunicates.
posted by barchan at 12:35 PM on January 26, 2015
For the longest time my Mom would always send me emails where the subject line was something like "Uncle Mike" or "Grandma Audrey" or whatever. They always gave me a brief moment of panic until I could open them and find out if the message was "had a stroke and is on death's door come home soon" or "won a prize at the county fair". Eventually I asked her flat out to please include a little more context than just a name.
posted by traveler_ at 12:44 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by traveler_ at 12:44 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can have my dad, who always e-mails (never calls) when something terrible happens and he always puts it right in the subject line. "Your cousin Bill died, call home." "Your grandma had a bad heart attack, call home." "Uncle Tom in bad rollover, in ICU, call home." "Your grandpa died, call home."
It's the "call home" he always tacks on that gets me, though. I see even a hint of "call home" in a subject line anymore and I get alarmed. And thanks for the reminder, Dad, but yeah, no shit.
posted by barchan at 1:06 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's the "call home" he always tacks on that gets me, though. I see even a hint of "call home" in a subject line anymore and I get alarmed. And thanks for the reminder, Dad, but yeah, no shit.
posted by barchan at 1:06 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm a big fan of the mail approach mentioned in the last frame here: USEFUL SKILLS FOR THE NEW YEAR. (I don't get that many mails anymore.)
posted by effbot at 1:10 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by effbot at 1:10 PM on January 26, 2015
A client regularly sends emails that say "PLEASE READ" in the subject line.
Which cannot be any worse than the co-worker who requests a read-receipt for every. single. email. he. sends.
Or the client who flags every email to my office as "High Importance."
posted by Panjandrum at 1:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Which cannot be any worse than the co-worker who requests a read-receipt for every. single. email. he. sends.
Or the client who flags every email to my office as "High Importance."
posted by Panjandrum at 1:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
The thing I've learned is that high importance e-mails (usually department-wide spams) can be ignored, and low importance e-mails (usually stuff like drinks after work) should be checked immediately.
posted by ckape at 1:58 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by ckape at 1:58 PM on January 26, 2015
RE: mind me of what you wanted for $x is actually a pretty great subject line.
posted by Lemurrhea at 2:10 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Lemurrhea at 2:10 PM on January 26, 2015
RE: a drop of golden sun
posted by aw_yiss at 3:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by aw_yiss at 3:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
The best spam email subject line I ever received was: We are too lazy to think up a new subject line every week: please buy our viagra. I was impressed, but not enough to buy their viagra.
posted by Elmore at 3:31 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Elmore at 3:31 PM on January 26, 2015
P chilensis sex life is exotic too, from a mammalian perspective. They are born male, but become hermaphroditic at “puberty”. This means that, while they usually breed with other members of their species, isolated individuals can, at a pinch, go fuck themselves.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:18 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:18 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Like the bison of the American plains, sea sponges in the Mediterranean sea were anthropogenically depleted, due to their being prized as bumwipe by the Roman empire.
I'm reasonably certain that's not why the bison got depleted.
posted by solotoro at 5:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm reasonably certain that's not why the bison got depleted.
posted by solotoro at 5:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
I know someone whose subject lines are all, "FROM BOB SMITH" and from someone else's email address, because he can't type. The person whose email address it is (who types the emails) gets mad when people reply and greet her instead of "Bob Smith". She rails on and on about how dumb they are, and how they "can't read". I set it up so she can send emails "from" Bob from his email address with his name as the sender, and an informative subject line, but she refuses to do it.
posted by lesli212 at 5:26 AM on January 27, 2015
posted by lesli212 at 5:26 AM on January 27, 2015
I'm reasonably certain that's not why the bison got depleted.
Have you ever wiped your bottom with a bison chamois? I promise you you'll never go back to paper again!
posted by TedW at 5:51 AM on January 27, 2015
Have you ever wiped your bottom with a bison chamois? I promise you you'll never go back to paper again!
posted by TedW at 5:51 AM on January 27, 2015
The most ridiculous email subject lines by far are from advocacy organizations, especially slacktivist petition sites. These two from my inbox are my favorites:
Dead bees. Everywhere.
They cut goats' legs off
posted by threeants at 3:23 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dead bees. Everywhere.
They cut goats' legs off
posted by threeants at 3:23 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Embarrassing: The U.S. Is Ranked 182nd In The World Alphabetically
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2015
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:16 AM on February 5, 2015
As long as we're still ahead of West Xylophone, I'm okay with that.
posted by TedW at 10:33 AM on February 5, 2015
posted by TedW at 10:33 AM on February 5, 2015
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posted by stinkfoot at 6:50 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]