Arby's: Gleaming the void
March 8, 2015 4:19 PM   Subscribe

 
I actually hold a special place for Arby's in my heart. I brought my future wife a cherry turnover on our second date from them after we had spoken about some fast food joints we actually enjoy.

But this: "I scream. You scream. We all scream because life is misery. Arbys: we probably offer some kind of ice cream themed shit.

1:13pm - 5 Mar 15"

Is really funny.
posted by Debaser626 at 4:29 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


You know what? My stare into the yawning perpetual abyss would be improved by some curly fries! Thanks, nihilist Arby's!
posted by leotrotsky at 4:29 PM on March 8, 2015 [7 favorites]



this is what happens when you put Orin in charge of the corporate twitter account
posted by leotrotsky at 4:29 PM on March 8, 2015 [23 favorites]


I feel like one of the writers from the Daily Show has to be behind this. They have a thing for Arby's there too.
posted by snwod at 4:31 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Someone with more enthusiasm than me should post a round-up of the faux-celeb Weird Twitter accounts. Senile Don Draper, Infosec Taylor Swift, Friedrice Nietzsche, etc.
posted by univac at 4:32 PM on March 8, 2015


Pretty sure I know which Arby's this is.
posted by edheil at 4:34 PM on March 8, 2015 [11 favorites]


Reads a lot like the comic strip Pluggers, but with some bigger words.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:37 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


McDonalds: narcs to yer mom when you're drunk
Burger King: worthless poser
Taco Bell: shits at your house
Arbys: ready to kill. Ready to die
posted by infinitewindow at 4:38 PM on March 8, 2015 [16 favorites]


I like Arby's.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 4:40 PM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Just as a kind of PSA, if you're actually having feelings like these, they can't be resolved with "beef" "n" "cheddar" sandwiches from Arby's. What you really need is to lean back and listen to Sibelius's 4th symphony. It will reassure you.

Everything really will end in stark cold fragments.

Reassurance!

If that doesn't work for you, try Aho's cello concerto.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:48 PM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


I could've sworn that the Nihilist Arby's account was disabled. I guess they weren't banned, or somebody lied to me about it, or something.

Anyway, it's one of the fast food joints that is still worth appreciating non-ironically. Any of the sandwiches without sauce, cheese, or other glop on them -- the basic roast beef, for sure, but there might be others -- is going to be OK.
posted by ardgedee at 4:50 PM on March 8, 2015


A brief word on the intercom from Len Comello, Food King Manager...
posted by ovvl at 4:51 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Arby's likes you. And yes, in that way.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:04 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


LA folks interested in roast beef taken to the next level should check out Top Round, at Olympic & La Brea. Top Round is not Arby's in the same way that In-N-Out is not McDonalds.
posted by bruceo at 5:09 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


America Has Spoken:
"I'm so hungry... what's good to eat here at the Kentucky Fried Chicken, man? What do you have on the menu that's good?"

"Oh, umm... our mashed potatoes are awesome, I'll say that right now. And uh... oh, our corn is really sweet and crunchy. That's really great. And -- oh, we have these little popcorn chicken things that are kinda breaded, I like those. Oh! Duh -- if you get the mashed potatoes, you gotta get the gravy. The gravy is so tangy, it's really good."

"Okay, stop right there. Can you pile all of those items into a single bowl, just kinda make 'em into a wet mound of starch that I can eat with a spoon like I'm a death row prisoner on suicide watch? Could I just have that instead?"

"Um... yes, we can do that? We can also arrange those on a plate like you're an adult with dignity and self-respect. You don't have to actually eat your food out of a single bowl..."

"Fuck that, I'm done, I don't give a shit. Just pile all those things in a bowl. Is there a way that the bowl can play This Mortal Coil's It'll End In Tears album while I'm eating it at two in the morning in my darkened apartment, just kinda staring into the middle distance?"
posted by Rhaomi at 5:14 PM on March 8, 2015 [21 favorites]


I could've sworn that the Nihilist Arby's account was disabled. I guess they weren't banned, or somebody lied to me about it, or something.

It was, briefly.

Note that if you follow Nihilist Arby's you'll get sponsored ads from the real Arby's.
posted by theclaw at 5:15 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is like ad copy that you'd see inside those Futurama suicide booths.
posted by wormwood23 at 5:23 PM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


My best friend and housemate has been really into this account for months. Sometimes we won't have really seen or talked to each other for that day and I'll be walking past in the evening on my way to the kitchen for a late cup of tea or whatever and he'll just creak open his door and loudly pronounce one of Nihilist Arbys' tweets at me from the darkness of the hallway.
posted by Mizu at 5:25 PM on March 8, 2015 [12 favorites]


I WANT A JOMOCHA SHAKE NOW, AND AM SADDENED.
posted by PinkMoose at 5:29 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Mostly void, partially Arby's.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:33 PM on March 8, 2015


"Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it’s about a hundred feet above the Arby’s."
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:58 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's always hard to look at Arby's as they exist local to me, some of which I've been aware of since the 70's, and to understand how they can still be here. They are the fast food equivalent of Radio Shack.
posted by doctor_negative at 6:00 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Arby's secret menu
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:02 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


LA folks interested in roast beef taken to the next level should check out Top Round, at Olympic & La Brea. Top Round is not Arby's in the same way that In-N-Out is not McDonalds.
posted by bruceo at 8:09 PM on March 8


For Orlando folks there's always Beefy King, which is not Arby's in the same way "Barnie's Coffee and Tea" was not Starbuck's. That's a very good thing, mind you.
posted by mcrandello at 6:07 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is hilarious. And, saying this honestly not in a 'is this something I'd need a TV for' way: I don't think I have ever eaten anything from Arby's in my life, despite it being present at both of the malls teenage-me was frequently eating fast food at. Weird.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:15 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


In any event, I never said 'The perfect food exists, and it is the Arby's Roast Beef 'n Cheddar.' What I said was 'The Fruit of the Tree of Life exists, and it is the Arby's Roast Beef 'n Cheddar.' If that statement starts to chill you after a couple of moments' consideration, then don't be alarmed. A feeling of intense and crushing religious terror at the concept indicates only that you are still sane.
posted by officer_fred at 6:16 PM on March 8, 2015 [7 favorites]


I hope this guy pays it out slowly and makes each tweet actually worth something. It reminds me strongly of Nein Quaterly, which I followed for about 6 months before dropping a year or so ago. He just became too amused with his own jokes, and just became uninteresting to me.
posted by hwestiii at 6:27 PM on March 8, 2015


WOW. I had forgotten Arby's even existed. Just looked on Google Maps, apparently there is one in Queens. Near the big cemetery.

Here is the Arby's in my hometown...it looks even more depressing now than it was back then. I'm surprised it's still in business...
posted by pravit at 6:29 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


When my Shanghainese/Chinese coworkers came to the states their favorite restaurant was Arby's. It's possibly the only big chain that hasn't made its way to Asia, yet.

I think it would do really well.
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:43 PM on March 8, 2015


Arby's is great because it has Mt. Dew. This is how I judge most fast food places.
posted by hellojed at 6:47 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Taco Bell has Mountain Dew and is the only fast food I like, though I only eat it a few times a year.

I've never had Arby's.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:51 PM on March 8, 2015


Naive teen: there's nothing better than drugs!
Arbys: have you tried our curly fries yet?
Teen: yup.
Arbys: oh, do drugs then. Life sucks.
posted by arcticseal at 6:51 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Walter Sobchak could set nihilist Arby's straight. But no Beef 'n Cheddar, and definitely not on Shabbos!
posted by TedW at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2015




Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the Arbys, the Arbys gazes also into you.
posted by infinitewindow at 7:22 PM on March 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Q: What would the grim reaper order at Arbys?
A: trick question, life is an accident and your mythology is just pablum. Eat at Arbys.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:36 PM on March 8, 2015


Arby's Macht Fries.
posted by 0rison at 7:42 PM on March 8, 2015 [22 favorites]


It's only a matter of time before real ads become this self-deprecating, because now I actually want to eat some Arby's. (It might help that I never have before, so maybe my opinion of their roast beef and curly fries can only go down.)
posted by Rangi at 7:56 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's possibly the only big chain that hasn't made its way to Asia, yet.

Not China, but there used to be an Arby's in Shibuya's Center-gai street many years ago. It was there for quite a while if I recall correctly, but eventually disappeared.
posted by misozaki at 8:01 PM on March 8, 2015


Went to an Arby's directly after the Loma Prieta earthquake completed its mission. Can't fault them for anything.
posted by rhizome at 8:57 PM on March 8, 2015


Okay, the Beef 'n Cheddar is one of my favorite things. It's an onion bun with roast beef, the cheddar cheese sauce, and then some kind of tangy red sauce. A long time ago, I was skeptical of that red sauce, thinking that roast beef and cheddar sauce is naturally the only things one could possibly need on a sandwich. However, eventually I was forced to admit that the tangy red sauce -- which is officially called "Red Ranch Sauce" -- contributes to the awesomeness of the Beef 'n Cheddar in an essential way. It's not a Beef 'n Cheddar without that red sauce, which isn't their BBQ sauce, that's different.

So I move here to Kansas City three years ago, and one day I stop by the local Arby's. It doesn't happen that often, but there comes a time when I need a Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich. There are other times when I need a bun with a half-pound of roast beef drenched in their horseradish sauce, but this was not that time. This was Beef 'n Cheddar time. I order two Beef 'n Cheddar sandwiches because, hey, it may be bad for my health, but I don't fucking care. I get my sandwiches, drive home, start eating and, wait a second, there's something wrong with this sandwich. And the other one, too. Something lacking. There's ... no red sauce on them. There's no red sauce.

I eat them anyway, but with deep longing and sadness.

Months later, I return to the Arby's. I order a Beef 'n Cheddar and ask about the sauce.

"Oh, you're from somewhere else, huh?" the drive-through guy remarks. "This franchise doesn't put that sauce on the Beef 'n Cheddar."

Can you add it to my order?

"Maybe we've got some around here; I'll check."

After returning home, I check the Arby's web site for their description of the Beef 'n Cheddar and see that it does include the red sauce in the description. I mean, it's one of the three ingredients of the sandwich, not including the bun. Maybe they should call it the "Beef 'n Cheddar 'n Red Ranch". I don't know, I'm not the fast-food police, a member of the sandwich nomenklatura. Maybe I should be. But in a sandwich that's made of an onion bun, some thinly sliced roast beef, a cheddar cheese sauce, and some tangy red not-quite barbecue sauce, the last is not a minor flavor, it's very fucking important, and some podunk regional franchiser shouldn't be desecrating its perfection and upsetting the balance of primal forces lest some bad shit happens, I don't know what, but I'm looking into it.

Do you see any McDonald's operators deciding that they don't include the Honestly Not Thousand Island Dressing in their Big Macs? No? Because it's not a goddam Big Mac without the special sauce, it's right there in the song after "two all-beef patties" and before "lettuce", along with a bunch of other stuff, because the Big Mac is kinda complicated. But you know what isn't complicated? A fucking onion roll roast beef sandwich with cheddar cheese and red ranch sauce. That's what's not complicated.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:37 PM on March 8, 2015 [30 favorites]


Eat the Arbys. The lights are off. You're alone. There's sauce on your chin.No one will cry when you die. Arbys: you're wearing sweatpants.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:05 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Oh, you're from somewhere else, huh?" the drive-through guy remarks. "This franchise doesn't put that sauce on the Beef 'n Cheddar."

WTF I want to burn something now
posted by dirigibleman at 11:07 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Now I'm hungry. I always liked my curly fries with angst.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 11:18 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


As yet no comments about the omnipresent lights hovering above the sign. Social media hasn't changed a thing about corporate conspiracy and otherworldly invaders!
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 1:07 AM on March 9, 2015


It's pronounced "ar-biss".
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:25 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Interesting. Being a Kansas City (more or less) native, I do not know this red ranch sauce of which you speak. I will say that I loves me some Beef and Cheddar with a blend of Arby-cue and Horsey Sauce (no relation to Donkey Sauce), though.
posted by jferg at 5:24 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Oh, you're from somewhere else, huh?" the drive-through guy remarks. "This franchise doesn't put that sauce on the Beef 'n Cheddar."

If that's not something to complain to corporate about, I don't know what is.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 6:42 AM on March 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Hmmm, never tried a Beef and Cheddar, 'cause really, fast food cheese sauce? But this thread is making me reconsider, especially since the break room has coupons for Arby's.

*adds item to bucket list*
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:54 AM on March 9, 2015


More of a Gay Hooters man myself. I like a little greasy wing with my endless loneliness if you know what I meme.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:58 AM on March 9, 2015


The only two Arby's I knew of are closed. The end comes to all - even Arby's franchises.
posted by lordrunningclam at 8:23 AM on March 9, 2015


he'll just creak open his door and loudly pronounce one of Nihilist Arbys' tweets at me from the darkness of the hallway.

That's as the good Lord intended.
posted by krinklyfig at 8:38 AM on March 9, 2015


Brandon Blatcher: just to warn you, I'm not certain it's possible for Arby's to be anything but vile to one's palate unless they grew up with it, and even then it's kind of touch-and-go, but give it your best shot.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:16 AM on March 9, 2015


No worries, the Roast Beef Classic, with delicious Arby's Sauce® (or for an extra kick, go with the zesty Horsey Sauce®) are perfectly fine to me*. Just haven't tried much else on the menu.

I don't like their fries, be they straight or curly.

*Not a paid shill, but I should be.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:36 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I love Reubens. I bought a bottle of sauerkraut and ate a little every day to acclimate myself to the flavor because I loved all the other ingredients of a Reuben and thought it was a shame I didn't like sauerkraut. I told my tastebuds to go fuck themselves and do what I tell them, and what I told them to do was like sauerkraut. Recently I ate an Arby's Reuben. It was like an insult to my effort. Awful, awful sandwich with gross, low-quality meat.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:41 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


The whole premise of this account is wrong. How can Arby's possibly be nihilistic with all those rainbows on the meat? They're like hope sammiches!
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:45 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


In highschool one of my friends' mother posited the theory that the lone Arby's in our town of about 50,000 was a front for "the mafia" because absolutely nobody ever went there.

Everytime I drive by it I try to determine if anyone is there.

Haven't seen a customer yet.
posted by M Edward at 10:01 AM on March 9, 2015


I, too, have often wondered how they stayed in business. I have also wondered, in the Roast Beef Sandwich, what is the "roast beef" made of? I know it's not roast beef, but that's all I can discern.
Which reminds me, I'd love an Italian Roast Beef sandwich right about now, (which are made from delicious roast beef), but I'm hundreds of miles away from Chicago. Why aren't those made everywhere?
posted by sudon't at 10:52 AM on March 9, 2015


I don't know how people don't find this hilarious.
posted by ostranenie at 10:54 AM on March 9, 2015


I stop at an Arby's more than any other fast food joint (which ain't sayin' much coz that's maybe 4x a year). But I love me an Arby's Giant. Just the bun and beefs...then about 4 packets of that Arby's sauce (then a visit to the rest room to get all that sticky goodness off my hands).

Aside: Why is it called a "rest" room?

M Edward: There is a giant meth lab underneath every Arby's. I think I saw about that on some TV show once. Not sure if it's mafia operated; I think those are franchises too....
posted by CrowGoat at 10:55 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]




More prosaicly, in the Arbys I worked at, a ball of thin meat slices is dunked in a hot broth for a few seconds, then deplaceé on your bun, handful after handful of warm meat into the same brown opaque broth, for hours. I was 15 and lasted a month.

And the tweet about the pint of gin in the morning was poignant. Arbys: fuck it.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:36 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I used to hit them for curly fries and a mobile BLT solution. Believe you me, my experiments in mobile bacon cooking turned out to be nothing but a vale of tears...
posted by Samizdata at 8:54 PM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Chicken Bacon Swiss for life!
posted by LizBoBiz at 4:34 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


I grew up in what (looking back) must be "Arby's Country" or something where eating at Arby's wasn't a weird thing. It was just another of the many fast food places in town and sometimes people ate there instead of McDonald's or KFC or whatever. There wasn't the weird "How does that place still exist!?" or hurfdurf gigglegiggle "you eat at Arby's" teehee impression I get from people elsewhere. It's a place that sells cheap poor quality food quickly. Like every other fast food place. I just don't see why they're singled out as a joke.
posted by downtohisturtles at 7:53 PM on March 13, 2015


Cheap? Arby's is maybe the most expensive fast food place that isn't Five Guys.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:03 PM on March 13, 2015


Obviously experiences differ; the prices I see for Arbys are low enough to make me refuse to eat there.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:20 PM on March 13, 2015


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