"This wicked conglomeration of horrors..."

June 29, 2015 9:09 AM

This was a world that never quite fit me. I was unnaturally hungry and never found something that could satisfy that hunger. No job kept me. From desks to barns to the muffling din of factories, the concept of a profession was foreign. No drug quieted me for more than a few hours. No friend or lover ever lasted for more than a few days. My family had long since receded into the gray haze of memories.

Thomas Ligotti reviews the new Hot Dog Bites Pizza from Pizza Hut.

Previously from pasticheur Zack Parksons:

-Permit me to construct for you the ultimate man cave.
-The 50 Greatest Video Game Characters of All Time

posted by Iridic (63 comments total)

so....umm....did he like the pizza?
posted by Billiken at 9:18 AM on June 29, 2015

There should be a name for this category of "stunt" food. Because that's what it is. No one is going to try this kind of thing and want it a second time. It's more like, "Hey, I tried that new Lovecraftian horror that Pizza Hut released this month" for bragging rights. KFC Double Down, Red Velvet Oreo's, Mint Flavored Pringles, etc. It's meant to be released for a few months and then disappear after you brag about it on Instagram.
posted by inthe80s at 9:22 AM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Those fucking cappucino flavoured potato chips will haunt me til the end of my days.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:23 AM on June 29, 2015 [10 favorites]

Those fucking cappucino flavoured potato chips will haunt me til the end of my days.

But the wasabi. The wasabi. Wasabi.
posted by aramaic at 9:25 AM on June 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

so....umm....did he like the pizza?

This is the brilliance of Ligotti; by the end of the review, we have so thoroughly been absorbed into a world of creeping dread, in which all things are barely animate with the sheen of gross contempt for existence, that it becomes just as relevant, just as reasonable, to ask whether the pizza liked him.
posted by gauche at 9:25 AM on June 29, 2015 [31 favorites]

There should be a name for this category of "stunt" food. Because that's what it is.

I think Bill Maher's writers have decided that this sort of crap isn't even worth making fun of anymore.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:27 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

so....umm....did he like the pizza?

For its inevitable contribution to the thinning of the human population, yes.
posted by chavenet at 9:31 AM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

The thickening of the human population, more likely.
posted by me & my monkey at 9:33 AM on June 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

Back in our day, our pizza chains avoided the Noid. Today, they promote the Noid to the head of R&D.
posted by dr_dank at 9:36 AM on June 29, 2015 [11 favorites]

They serve this in the cafeteria aboard Ark B.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:51 AM on June 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

I guess this would be a bad time to admit I actually kind of ... y'know ... liked it?
posted by DrAstroZoom at 9:53 AM on June 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

As someone who actually loves Pizza Hut's style of pizza occasionally and pigs in the blanket (and pretty much tiny hot dogs/sausages in all forms), I should love this. But I just can't get past it's overall wrongness.

Also, I can't believe Mint Flavored Pringles are a real thing and not the most horrible thing one could imagine so it was used earlier in this thread as hyperbole.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:53 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

It is hard not to read "bites" as a verb here. The truth was even harder to get my head around.
posted by nequalsone at 9:55 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

But the wasabi. The wasabi. Wasabi.

Those are great!
posted by Dick Laurent is Dead at 9:56 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I was greatly disappointed by red velvet Oreos.
posted by wintermind at 9:59 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Whatever you do though don't try the Creepypasta Bowls.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:59 AM on June 29, 2015 [14 favorites]

Hotdog Pizza is a flat circle.
posted by Ratio at 10:09 AM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Can pizza be cyclopean? I guess it's big and round. Probably not squamous, but arguably rugose.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:12 AM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

This is the brilliance of Ligotti; by the end of the review, we have so thoroughly been absorbed into a world of creeping dread . . .

Look, if I weren't already absorbed by a world of creeping dread, I'd never find myself even considering eating a Hot Dog Bites Pizza from Pizza Hut™, would I?

For future reference, any reviewer of a Pizza Hut product can assume, as a baseline, a starless, Bible black, sleepless and sweat-drenched night of the soul on the part of any serious reader.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:14 AM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

Zack Parsons has also co-written a number of episodes of Night Vale, including The Deft Bowman which is on my short list of 'scariest episodes'.
posted by griphus at 10:15 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Move over, ranch. Say sayonara, sriracha. Pack it in, chipotle. The hot new flavor trend of 2015 is "anti-gestalt"
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:16 AM on June 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

how about "ennui" and "la tendre indifference du monde"
posted by poffin boffin at 10:20 AM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]

We're out of both but the chef recommends the anomie.
posted by griphus at 10:23 AM on June 29, 2015 [11 favorites]

The chunk of writing that first made me sit up and pay close attention whenever I saw the name Zack Parsons was the Something Awful Instruction for a Fruit series.
posted by rifflesby at 10:23 AM on June 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

Holy shit.

Two things:

1) I haven't seen any food this disgusting since my post-doc suggested I try "Birthday cake" flavored M 'n M's in the Newark airport, which led to me puking in the Newark airport.

2) shoulda washed that down with an order of Chocolate dunkers!
posted by amy27 at 10:36 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I like stunt foods, but mostly stunt sweets and drinks. "Birthday cake" M&Ms? Not the worst thing I've eaten, OK in small doses (the cakey flavor comes as more of an aftertaste). Red velvet Oreos? Meh, too sweet without some balancing flavor (the filling is cream cheese-like), and either not crunchy enough or not fluffy enough. They pair well with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreos, which at times aren't quite sweet enough. But then I'll have a handful of almonds, in a sad attempt to balance the sugar overdose.

But that's the things about candies, cookies and chips - you can be a casual visitor to Flavortown, you don't have to become a resident and stay long enough to eat a whole Hot Dog Bites Pizza, even with a few fool-hearty friends.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:44 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm never gonna eat this thing, but I would like to try chucking it onto a roof, Walter White-style.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:44 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I like stunt foods, but mostly stunt sweets and drinks.

Funny enough, I am the exact opposite: I'm meh on stunts sweets and stunt drinks make me gag, but I will eat literally any absurd and/or disturbing combination of carbs, meat and cheese you put in front of me.
posted by griphus at 10:53 AM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

But that's the things about candies, cookies and chips - you can be a casual visitor to Flavortown, you don't have to become a resident and stay long enough to eat a whole Hot Dog Bites Pizza, even with a few fool-hearty friends.

I think you'll find that Flavortown and Innsmouth have more in common than it first appears. Donkey Dippers with Honking Sausage Snaps today, palpitating gills tomorrow.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:56 AM on June 29, 2015 [12 favorites]

One clue to the true eldritch nature of Flavortown is when you get up close to Guy Fieri and you realize his frosted tips are actually fleshy papillae
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:04 AM on June 29, 2015 [27 favorites]

i'm holding out for a seafood pizza where the inedible parts of the toppings can be assembled into a weapon, eXistenZ-style
posted by indubitable at 11:15 AM on June 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

Guy's Smokin'-Sweet Fleshy Papillae Appe-teasers, $16.50
posted by griphus at 11:15 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

One clue to the true eldritch nature of Flavortown is when you get up close to Guy Fieri and you realize his frosted tips are actually fleshy papillae.

Can someone please write this story?
posted by ryanshepard at 11:21 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

No one is going to try this kind of thing and want it a second time.

College students. Sports fans. (OK, maybe not him. tl;dr: don't eat it alone, kids.)

The thing is $11.99, making it cheaper than the national average for a Neapolitan large pie without toppings: $13.21. So that might appeal to some people.
posted by zarq at 11:36 AM on June 29, 2015

I would like to try chucking it onto a roof, Walter White-style.

Its stubby outer appendages will allow it to come down, you know. And it will be ... angry.
posted by me & my monkey at 12:27 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think the real horror in this article is not the pizza, but the slow, dawning realization that indeed, Something Awful is still around.
posted by happyroach at 12:38 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I can't get over how a slice of the hot dog pizza looks like a medically troubled foot.

I also can't get over how that doesn't dissuade an extremely tiny but vocal part of my brain from going DUDE YOU SHOULD TOTALLY EAT THAT.
posted by palomar at 1:00 PM on June 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

I was driving around a bunch recently and saw a lot of Arby's signs reading

IT'S BACK
PECAN CHIC-
KEN SALAD

(with minor variations consisting of misspellings, differently-bad enjambment, dropped/substituted letters, apostrophe randomization feature, etc.) and after a while it started to feel like a deliberate threat, or taunt. IT'S BACK. BLEAAAAAAGH!! MUAHAHAHAH.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:59 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Pecan chic.


Ken salad.
posted by Splunge at 2:24 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry for the doubters. I used to routinely wrap a slice of Costco pepperoni pizza around the polish sausage (bun discarded) after surfing. It. Was. Good.

I expect that this too will find a home in someone's heart.
posted by minedev at 2:28 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I expect that this too will find a home in someone's heart.

Or at least their arteries.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:57 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

IT'S BACK
PECAN CHIC-
KEN SALAD

There's one near my work - in the bleakest, most exhaust-choked, garbage-strewn exurban hellscape possible - whose sign says:

ITS BACK STRAWBERRY SALAD

It has said this for months - I'm not sure why, but I find something about it impossibly sad.
posted by ryanshepard at 3:02 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Ok, western Mass folks, raise your hand if you instantly recognized the Pizza Hut horror location from the article.
posted by Gable Oak at 3:03 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

In Australia we have a stuffed crust pizza where the crust is stuffed with meat pies.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:17 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think it's sad because the sign is maintaining a sort of childishly innocent pretense that somebody cares, in the face of the transparently obvious mathematical fact that the number of people who have ever said "I wonder if pecan chicken salad is coming back at Arby's" is not positive.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:27 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh my! A food designed and marketed to a lower perceived social class, the outrage that I should be exposed to this! Butler, please carefully drape my pearls around my neck so that I may clutch them properly.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:49 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

There should be a name for this category of "stunt" food. Because that's what it is. No one is going to try this kind of thing and want it a second time.

Viral fast food? Eat once, post to Facebook/Instagram, get likes.

The latest Swedish viral pizza hit, "Vulkan" (which I hear is pretty good) has been spreading like crazy in Sweden -- invented at a pizzeria in northern Sweden and first served on June 16, posted to Facebook the day after, and immediately ripped off by every pizza place in Sweden over the next week (to quote a pizzeria owner, "make one, post a photo to Facebook, and the phone immediately starts ringing").
posted by effbot at 3:52 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh Sweden no :-(
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:11 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

The latest Swedish viral pizza hit, "Vulkan"

Salad? How do you make a salad?
posted by Sys Rq at 4:20 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

That Vulkan thing looks amazing.
posted by griphus at 4:33 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Hmm. I couldn't be the only one thinking, that's a really bad Ligotti impression. Even for yuks, just poor.
posted by chainlinkspiral at 4:52 PM on June 29, 2015

Having had food poisoning from poorly chosen road snacks, I can't get behind the term "viral fast food". It's just... very evocative of horking, you know?
posted by palomar at 5:14 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

inthe80s: "There should be a name for this category of "stunt" food. Because that's what it is. No one is going to try this kind of thing and want it a second time."

Pizza Hut Japan has been selling pizza with sausage in the crust for five years. There has to be some repeat business.
posted by Bugbread at 5:30 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes but they also sometimes put sweetcorn and mayonnaise on pizza so it's not like the customers are acting with sense and reason in these situations.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:50 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Having had food poisoning from poorly chosen road snacks, I can't get behind the term "viral fast food". It's just... very evocative of horking, you know?

That's what you get for eating those egg salad sandwiches from the vending machines in gas station bathrooms. After the third time getting sick from one of those I was like "One more time, then never again."
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:50 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

That Vulkan thing looks amazing.

And with salad, so it is basically health food, right?
posted by Dip Flash at 6:27 PM on June 29, 2015

If you have beer with it sure.
posted by griphus at 6:49 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

turbid dahlia: "That's what you get for eating those egg salad sandwiches from the vending machines in gas station bathrooms. After the third time getting sick from one of those I was like "One more time, then never again.""

Marge: You've been eating that sandwich for over a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Homer: Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:54 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just noticed that the article I linked to misattributed the invention to the pizzeria owner, but all local reports say the inventor was a female employee, cashier Kifa Algaf, who came up with the design as a semi-joking "all in" option for customers who couldn't make up their minds.

(vulkan means volcano in Swedish, btw. No relation to Mr Spock.)
posted by effbot at 4:10 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

ITS BACK STRAWBERRY SALAD

WHAT IN AZATHOTH'S FOURTEENTH NAME IS A BACK STRAWBERRY
posted by Mister Moofoo at 4:55 AM on June 30, 2015 [6 favorites]

No relation to Mr Spock

YOU LIE!

(bursts into tears, runs from room)
posted by aramaic at 6:11 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Vulkan pizza

WHORF!!
posted by Splunge at 6:46 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

That's what you get for eating those egg salad sandwiches from the vending machines in gas station bathrooms

How else am I supposed to play the holophonor?!
posted by Panjandrum at 11:07 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]