Modern meditation
July 13, 2015 9:44 AM   Subscribe

Breathe in strength. Breathe out bullshit. A guided meditation for these exhausting, infuriating times. [SLYT, nsfw audio]
posted by gottabefunky (19 comments total) 68 users marked this as a favorite
I stumbled upon this last night when looking for a short guided meditation. It's intended as a joke, I think? But I found it actually kind of effective. Because it made me smile slightly, like the Buddha's half smile. I think it would be great for an at work meditation break (particularly because it's so short).
posted by tofu_crouton at 9:48 AM on July 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

Trolling metafilter is my meditation.
posted by clvrmnky at 9:54 AM on July 13, 2015 [6 favorites]

I lost it at this line...

...if your thoughts drift to the three-ring shitshow of your life, bring your attention back to your breathing, and with each breath feel your body saying fuck that...

Simply magical.
posted by lock sock and barrel at 10:54 AM on July 13, 2015 [13 favorites]

They can't even.
posted by numaner at 11:03 AM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

Outstanding. This is presently circulating through my team at work.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:08 AM on July 13, 2015

This is the only guided meditation I've ever tried that actually resonated for me. It's comedy, sure, but then again - perhaps the lack of self-seriousness is what I needed?

Thanks for posting this - truly, seriously, thanks.
posted by Fraxas at 11:50 AM on July 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

I posted that last week on Facebook for a friend who was getting married over the weekend. Given that she's gotten a lot from meditation, it seemed like the right answer.
posted by immlass at 1:36 PM on July 13, 2015

I just sent this to my dad who last week told me that he got through his 30s anxiety buildup thing with meditation. (Gee Dad, woulda been nice to know before my birthday...)
posted by Mizu at 2:40 PM on July 13, 2015

please -- please -- stop breathing out bullshit.
posted by lastobelus at 2:56 PM on July 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

Well, no one wants the bullshit going the other way, right?
posted by clvrmnky at 3:34 PM on July 13, 2015

I have trouble getting through the typical guided meditation scripts without reaching the "fuck that" point after a few minutes so this is perfect. I wish it lasted longer.
posted by bitteschoen at 4:21 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

me too, but for now, this will have to do
posted by numaner at 5:47 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

go ahead and breath out bullshit, just let it all go, all our collective bullshit will be absorbed by solar winds and recycled into holy craps that we take in.
posted by numaner at 5:52 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is not how everyone meditates?

I've used "Fuck/This" to focus my breathing on certain stressful sits.
posted by bibliowench at 11:38 PM on July 13, 2015 [3 favorites]

As a practicing meditator, I can affirm that this is, in its (very amusing) way, spot on. Only proviso would be that it's not just the soul-eating cocksuckers who fade into nothing. So does your pretty little dream of getting over on them through meditation.
posted by haricotvert at 9:59 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Well, my pretty little dream, anyway. I miss it sometimes. They really did seem like unbelievable cocksuckers.
posted by haricotvert at 10:18 AM on July 14, 2015

Instead of forming a circle with your thumb and index finger, you extend your middle finger.
posted by WalkingAround at 12:07 PM on July 14, 2015

posted by lonemantis at 7:55 PM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

This is like Al Swearengen was forced into a new line of work, and is trying his damndest to make a go of it...
posted by runincircles at 3:36 AM on July 22, 2015

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