The Quinoa-Free, Gluten-Sized, Up-Calorie New Organick Style Compendium
March 29, 2016 5:48 PM   Subscribe

"The Borderline Neurotic Kitchen Manual"

Well that's scary accurate.
posted by -t at 5:50 PM on March 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

The Taste-Free Kitchen Manual

No thanks, I already bought that one and I'm not sure what to do with it.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:55 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Back of Your Freezer Cookbook"

I might actually buy that, sounds like it could be useful.
posted by selenized at 6:01 PM on March 29, 2016 [5 favorites]

The Something Something Kale Subsistence Strategy

It's perfect.
posted by gc at 6:01 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Poorly Researched Juice Plan"

I think this has already been written. Many times.
posted by killy willy at 6:02 PM on March 29, 2016 [12 favorites]

The Tenuous Grip on Reality Cookbook

This feels like a "Chicken Soup For the X" kind of series. Like, "The Tenuous Grip on Reality Workout", "The Tenuous Grip on Reality Guide to Management", "The Tenuous Grip on Reality Financial Planner", etc...
posted by mhum at 6:05 PM on March 29, 2016 [17 favorites]

The fact that these were all freaking hilarious was a perfect setup for when it stopped and said: "The Paseo Diet". Pretty much this summed up and sent up food fads brilliantly.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:19 PM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

The Checkout-Lane Impulse-Buy Cooking Cure

*sample recipe*

AA Batteries
iTunes Gift Card
Stereo Ear-Buds

Sit in car in parking lot and think about what you should cook for dinner. Go into store and buy rotisserie chicken and Superglue and M&Ms. Sit in car and eat M&Ms, while remembering that you need batteries. Go back into store and buy batteries. While in line at the cashier, remember that your cousin's daughter's boyfriend lost her earbuds, and her birthday is coming up. Buy ear buds and iTunes gift card.

Return to car. Use the Superglue to re-afix the tiny diagram-top of the gear-shift lever that's been sitting in the cup-holder for six months. Chew some Dentyne on the way home and wish you had a cigarette, even though you gave up on those two years ago.

Bon Appetit!
posted by valkane at 6:23 PM on March 29, 2016 [12 favorites]

Damn autocorrect. It actually just said "The Paleo Diet"
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:30 PM on March 29, 2016

The Buzzword-Heavy Kitchen Manual

posted by Cookiebastard at 7:05 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Beyond the Paleo Guide to Food Avoidance"

"The Overactive Imagination Cleanse"
is basically George Carlin's telling of The Aristocrats.

"The Instant Ramen Supper Club" sounds like the new Merchant Ivory film.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:16 PM on March 29, 2016

The Immunity-Boosting Guide To Food Avoidance
posted by Bob Regular at 7:17 PM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

The Shaky Science Eating Scheme

Neat! It produced the model of the cookbook rather than a specific instance.
posted by clockzero at 7:26 PM on March 29, 2016

The Ingredient-Free Family Table
posted by The Whelk at 7:35 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Borderline Neurotic Subsistence Strategy"

Well, that pretty much sums up the whole enterprise, doesn't it?
posted by drlith at 8:14 PM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure this one has already been written:

The Cultish Food Blogger Eating Scheme
posted by nubs at 8:26 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Amazingly Complicated Diet." I may already have that one in my shelf, if I am not mistaken.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:28 PM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

"The Tasteless and Textureless Sustenance Blueprint."

posted by solarion at 10:21 PM on March 29, 2016

"The Irritable Gourmet's Cleanse" looks like it would be right up my "alley".
posted by pipeski at 1:29 AM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

First try: "The Checkout-Lane Impulse-Buy Subsistance Strategy"

Oh god. Too real.
posted by schmod at 4:18 AM on March 30, 2016

The Waffle Iron Body Revolution has just the right amount of ambiguity so that you can't tell which word "Iron" is supposed to belong to and I love it.
posted by metaphorever at 5:40 AM on March 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

The Drunk Nutritionist's Guide to Food Avoidance was my first try. Love it.
posted by telophase at 9:06 AM on March 30, 2016

Also, the Will It Waffle guy's a MeFite? Why didn't I get the memo? /swoons
posted by drlith at 9:29 AM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

The Food-Free Subsistence Strategy

I feel like this should be written by someone who is clearly Michael Pollan wearing an Evil Spock beard.
posted by anthom at 10:04 AM on March 30, 2016

The Offbeat Appliance Meal Plan
Alton, is that you?
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 8:52 PM on March 30, 2016

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