BUT SHE WAS A BUNKO SCREAM JAR

April 30, 2016 8:24 AM

The Register reports on an audio track a company devised to transfer unwanted sales callers to, which they call "Extension 666," made of detuned singing, distorted hold notices and bursts of garbled static. They posted the track on SoundCloud. Notes: don't have the volume up very high for the sake of your speakers, and it loops after about two-and-a-half minutes.
posted by JHarris (65 comments total)

How can I use this on the guy that keeps calling, offering me a $250,000 business loan? I mean c'mon what is that about? I like the bass "singer."

The best I have come up with recently is a recording of frogs from my favorite swamp, it is my message notification. I love getting messages now.
posted by Oyéah at 8:32 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Please continue to hold, someone will be with
posted by sexyrobot at 8:33 AM on April 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

No, I like organized sound
posted by drezdn at 8:34 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

you shortly.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:36 AM on April 30, 2016 [17 favorites]

Love it -- the next time I get a call from "tech support at Windows" I'm putting the scammer through to a loop of this.
posted by Zonker at 8:37 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Your call is very important to


us
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:42 AM on April 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

Amazing.
posted by benito.strauss at 8:48 AM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

That would totally make my day. Our hold music is just plain dull. I love the "song" in the background and the longer I left it on, the funnier it got.
posted by xingcat at 8:49 AM on April 30, 2016

No, I like organized sound
mobile link fail, link here
posted by intermod at 8:51 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

She wants to be freeeeeEEEEeeeee of meeeee!
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 8:53 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Cool idea, although I personally think that Lenny is better equipped to deal with telemarketers.
posted by ensign_ricky at 8:53 AM on April 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

Daniel Lopatin is surely getting weirder with age.
posted by lmfsilva at 8:55 AM on April 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

How do I download this?
posted by adept256 at 8:56 AM on April 30, 2016

Isn't this just a Ween song?
posted by gwint at 8:58 AM on April 30, 2016 [37 favorites]

shades of Longmont Potion Castle
(that means I loved it)
posted by ghostbikes at 9:00 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

i always dreamed about something like this back when i had to answer phones
posted by indubitable at 9:10 AM on April 30, 2016

Is it wrong that I kind of like this?
posted by MrBobaFett at 9:20 AM on April 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Lou Reed smiles down from Heaven.
posted by Etrigan at 9:21 AM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

How do I download this?

youtube-dl does the job.
posted by fifthrider at 9:23 AM on April 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

How do I download this?

you wait until midnight - you walk into the bathroom with the lights out and face the mirror - then you say "bunko scream jar, bunko scream jar, bunko scream jar"

and then ....
posted by pyramid termite at 9:26 AM on April 30, 2016 [7 favorites]

thirty seconds

thirty seconds
posted by nubs at 9:29 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Have to admit I'm a little let down that this is so... listenable. Then again, I actually own a physical copy of Devilman, so...
posted by fifthrider at 9:31 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Please hold to be transferred to Merzbau."
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:34 AM on April 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

Shall I be the one to say it? No-one works in a call-centre out of malice. It's a terrible job where you'll just get abused (like this) most of the time and doesn't pay much, especially on commission. Just politely say no and hang up.
posted by adept256 at 9:34 AM on April 30, 2016 [13 favorites]

Nah, you know what you're doing going in. There are more respectable jobs, like drug dealer, assassin, day labor, sign spinner. Just say no to call centers.
posted by MrBobaFett at 9:36 AM on April 30, 2016 [19 favorites]

"Please hold to be transferred to Merzbow"

Reminds me of one of /mu/'s finer moments.
posted by fifthrider at 9:38 AM on April 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

Yeah, this actually isn't that bad. I was expecting muted screams and flanged whispers just this side of the threshold of hearing. And suggestions. Such horrible suggestions...
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:39 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

What is the original song?
posted by dhens at 9:51 AM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Heh, love this. It does work a little too well, though the those occasional big clipping blasts are pretty solidly antagonistic so credit due there.

If you want to give it a little extra drive, I recommend simultaneously playing back the endless In The Air Tonight drum break loop (of which previously on MetaFilter).
posted by cortex at 9:55 AM on April 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

I liked this; a particularly renegade Max Headroom discovering the wrong (or right) kind of mushrooms in the woods.

If this was devoid of context, it may fit inside the keep mefi weird category.
posted by Wordshore at 9:58 AM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

This is pretty much a Royal Trux demo.
posted by porn in the woods at 10:16 AM on April 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

We had a generic employee named Spencer Acepig for years at my last company. He had an email ([e-mail]) and voicemail box that we'd direct any and all unwanted attention to. At some point we figured out the best background noise at company functions was to play his voicemails; the increasing desperation of some callers was really something.
posted by togdon at 10:16 AM on April 30, 2016 [24 favorites]

I just know that when I did B2B telemarketing stuff, we'd probably put this shit on speakerphone and laugh at it.
posted by SansPoint at 10:30 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

I think I saw this noise band last weekend.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:36 AM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

If there was someway I could inflict this on that asshole from the "Prosperity Network" that spams the message box of my cell phone, it'd be great.
posted by Ber at 10:44 AM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Shall I be the one to say it? No-one works in a call-centre out of malice.

gosh, you're right, i feel real bad for the people trying to scam the elderly out of money now.
posted by indubitable at 11:10 AM on April 30, 2016 [17 favorites]

What is the original song?

Found it in a comment on the original Reddit post: Picture Perfect.
posted by Shmuel510 at 11:17 AM on April 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

adept256: "Shall I be the one to say it? No-one works in a call-centre out of malice. It's a terrible job where you'll just get abused (like this) most of the time and doesn't pay much, especially on commission. Just politely say no and hang up."

No.

::click::
posted by Splunge at 11:48 AM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

As described in the article, the sales callers in question resorted to using deception to get past the company's first tier of contact and support. So I don't have much sympathy.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 11:54 AM on April 30, 2016 [11 favorites]

No-one works in a call-centre out of malice. It's a terrible job where you'll just get abused (like this) most of the time and doesn't pay much, especially on commission. Just politely say no and hang up.

For the most part I agree, having worked a number of call center jobs myself, but I admit I used to enjoy it when people were creative about their rejections. One dude put me on hold where I listened to a recorded message warning me to stay on the line, because if I hung up, a circuit would be connected that would open a garage door "somewhere in the city". I was pretty sure he was kidding, and had no idea what consequences would arise from a random garage door opening, but the tone of the message was ominous enough that I was hesitant to take any chances for a good 3 minutes or so. Put a little bright spot of comedy in an otherwise tedious, boring day.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 11:56 AM on April 30, 2016 [29 favorites]

The three recently passed members of Negativland are also smiling down from heaven.
posted by gusandrews at 12:25 PM on April 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Many years ago I worked at an office that had a line that was an outgoing modem line only, I bought an answering machine and on it I put really angry messages on it saying DO NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE! it did not matter what was on it, people would leave a message. Things like angry telemarketers saying "well what if I was giving away a prize" to, "Uhh is this Bob?".

The only thing that worked was when I had a mysterious message that was a list of numbers and instructions that seemed like it was a call in line for some sort of spy network. Nobody left a message then. "#47 you have been observed, move to location 784 and wait", #221 move to location 12, watch and report" ect.
posted by boilermonster at 1:01 PM on April 30, 2016 [38 favorites]

This is brutal and genius.
posted by Existential Dread at 1:56 PM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

I liked this.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:00 PM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

It had a beat and I could dance to it.


I give it a 7.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:18 PM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Listening to this... It's hilarious and honestly I'm laughing too hard to hate it. It's not half as awful as they could have make it. Although I guess in a business context the threshold of acceptability is different than the sort of listening challenge dick size wars that record collectors sometimes engage in.
posted by ardgedee at 2:54 PM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

This is still pretty much junior high when compared to Jandek.
posted by quartzcity at 2:59 PM on April 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

> Found it in a comment on the original Reddit post: Picture Perfect.

He's not a good singer, but I've realized that in art I tend to value people saying their own truth and not giving a fuck how it might make them look to others, and this scores pretty high.

I don't know that I could dance to it though. I'll give it a 6.
posted by benito.strauss at 3:38 PM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

I have accidentally found a great way to deal with telemarketers - my voicemail message is really short, it just says "leave a message" Anyone that knows me and is calling in the normal way hears it and leaves a message, but for anyone who is using an autodialing device the message plays out in the time between when the line is connected and when the telemarketer picks up their end, and the message starts recording just as they get on he line. I get a lot of recordings of "hello... hello... hello? hello!! hello? arg. click"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:22 PM on April 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

They should go to the thrift store and get the crustiest tape recorder they can find with blown capstans and a terrible built-in mic. Then record several generations by holding the mic near a cheap computer speaker. Then compress it with an 1996-era mp3 encoder (from before they figured out the whole psycho-acoustic-modeling thing) at like 48 kbit/s.

And get rid of the obvious signs that it's a put-on. It has to be as convincing as possible that this is a real hold message, just one that has the worst possible quality, like there's a tape somewhere that's been on repeat since 1982 and has had most of its oxide rubbed off.
posted by Rhomboid at 5:27 PM on April 30, 2016 [9 favorites]

For all your MOH needs... http://datassette.net/businessfunk/
posted by mikelieman at 5:41 PM on April 30, 2016 [9 favorites]

You could also just do one of Archer's elaborate voice mail pranks.

Of course, this would weed out anyone else who calls you, too.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 5:56 PM on April 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

What is a bunko scream jar?
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 7:04 PM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Twenty dollars, same as in town.

::click::
posted by wenestvedt at 7:09 PM on April 30, 2016 [14 favorites]

The song is perfect in its complete inappropriateness for a hold message, like having a microphone in on a weepy drunk with a crying jag confessing far too much about his breakup.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 7:10 PM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

See also: Dorothy's Magic Bag - Stuck in Cue.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 7:11 PM on April 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

As described in the article, the sales callers in question resorted to using deception to get past the company's first tier of contact and support.
Indeed, I have worked tech support jobs, and this is a thing. Sales people call the tech support line all the time to see if they can get transferred to someone who is in a position to purchase stuff. Many companies have an "unsolicited vendor call hell" extension - an extension with voice mail that no one ever checks.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:38 PM on April 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

compress it with an 1996-era mp3 encoder

Audio encoding expert here. What you want to do is compress it with a low-bitrate CELP codec, then corrupt a small percentage of packets. You can just overwrite the chosen packets with zeros, or maybe random garbage. Try blapping a 100 byte chunk every 3-10kbytes. You'll get some great bio/electro hybrid weirdness with gurgling, rumbles, bongs, and other strange shit. Corrupted CELP streams make the best noises.
posted by ryanrs at 7:55 PM on April 30, 2016 [25 favorites]

Many moons ago I worked in the Haight-Ashbury selling Pot growing manuals and Grateful Dead tie-dyes and what not to the legions of stoner tourists. When someone came in who was too annoyingly altered, I'd pop this little gem into the boombox. Did the trick every time. I imagine it would work nearly as well with call center trolls.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 10:04 PM on April 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Yeah, this reminds me a lot of a Negativland track, too. I appreciate this in the same way. Glad to know there are still some fresh sonic outlaws out there.
posted by Queen of Robots at 11:00 PM on April 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

I used to have an old pushbutton landline phone which had a mysterious button on the back of it. It took me ages to discover that if this button was pressed in while a call was under way (for example by laying the handset on its back on the table) it would mute the mic and play down the line a horrendous monophonic, strangely arrhythmic arrangement of 'Greensleeves'. Repeatedly and without mercy. Whenever I'd get a telemarketer, I'd crisply announce 'hold please, Mr Foo will be with you shortly' and then put the phone down on that magic button.
posted by nickzoic at 6:09 AM on May 1, 2016 [14 favorites]

Holy crap, Trinity-Gehenna. I became slightly nauseated by that and all I've had is coffee. Thanks for the sonic warfare ammo.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:18 AM on May 1, 2016 [3 favorites]

What is a bunko scream jar?

It's a lyric, or sounds like it, from the song. Other than that, I don't know myself.
posted by JHarris at 4:16 PM on May 2, 2016

I think the actual lyric is "like she was a book of scripture", but I could be making a mondegreen out of "bunko scream jar".
posted by nubs at 8:13 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

I've been listening to this constantly over the last few days and legitimately enjoying it. I think my normal diet of Merzbow and black metal have irrevocably destroyed my taste in music.
posted by Frobenius Twist at 9:26 PM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]