He's holding a little kitten, and you almost said no.

May 4, 2016 8:21 AM

Amy Schumer hijacks your tinder prof.
posted by phunniemee (30 comments total)

I am also available for this service.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:33 AM on May 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

Okay. Metafilter is officially not depressing anymore.
posted by Beti at 9:04 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm not gonna lie -- the downside of being coupled is not being able to have ridiculous fun on apps like this.

I'm glad that Amy Schumer can have this fun for me.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:17 AM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Ouch... My name is Niall.
posted by ODiV at 9:27 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I have done this with friends. You can get away with pretending to be a dog just to mock men. would recommend A+, would be a dog on the internet again.
posted by Gor-ella at 9:32 AM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

this is hilarious. I love Amy Schumer, and I needed this today. Thanks for posting!
posted by bluesky43 at 9:38 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Oooh, I'd love to do this for some of my single friends. (And honestly, some of them could use help...)
posted by Harald74 at 9:43 AM on May 4, 2016

Ouch... My name is Niall.

Have you considered holding a little kitten?
posted by phunniemee at 9:44 AM on May 4, 2016 [12 favorites]

Yeah, but I'm also a gay murderer, so... probably wouldn't go so well.
posted by ODiV at 9:47 AM on May 4, 2016 [9 favorites]

I have done this with friends. You can get away with pretending to be a dog just to mock men. would recommend A+, would be a dog on the internet again.

IM REALLY GLAD UR SMILEY FIXED ITS EYE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT IT
posted by Mayor West at 9:49 AM on May 4, 2016 [6 favorites]

And yeah, as someone who has never used Tinder this app looks super intimidating. I don't know if I would have the guts to use it if I were single.
posted by ODiV at 9:49 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I am not single, but this was like an edumacation in how to set up a profile. Kitten, check. Puppy, check. Normal male name that is not too weird, check. Not looking like a gay murderer... pass
posted by greenhornet at 9:50 AM on May 4, 2016

I am now An Old Person, who is all married and junk, but I met my wife through match.com, which was the style at the time. I if were single today, I think I would be in a lot of trouble, because every date I went on via match.com was because of my *cough* erudite wit in the longform comment section, along with the goofiest picture I could find of myself as an undergraduate. Anyone who could wade through that without fleeing screaming into the night, well, it was worth getting a drink with.

If I showed up on Tinder tomorrow, I think I would elicit the same response as if I were cheerfully standing on the corner downtown, grinning merrily as I offered passersby handfuls of vanilla pudding out of the pockets of my windbreaker.
posted by Mayor West at 10:00 AM on May 4, 2016 [31 favorites]

I scroll through the thread. I decide to assure ODiV that Schumer is wrong and Niall is actually a totally hot name. He admits to being a gay murderer. I see no reason to let this fact dissuade me from still complementing ODiV. I remember why I got into so much trouble as a single person.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:22 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I am now An Old Person, who is all married and junk, but I met my wife through match.com, which was the style at the time.

If you decide to set up a Tinder profile, make sure you have an onion on your belt.
posted by The Bellman at 11:26 AM on May 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

I am now An Old Person, who is all married and junk, but I met my wife through match.com, which was the style at the time.

If you decide to set up a Tinder profile, make sure you have an onion on your belt.

Please alter my pants as fashion dictates.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:39 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I just want to brag that I met my fiancé on Tinder, despite generally having treated it with the same level of seriousness as Amy Shumer does.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 11:57 AM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

I've been on the web for longer than match.com or tinder have existed, and I would probably mock them except that I know a bunch of couples who got together via a Usenet newsgroup that evolved out of an email listserv.
posted by aught at 12:19 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, for the record, I'm a person who mocks dating apps especially skeezy gay hookup ones who met his partner on a skeezy gay hookup website before everybody had them on their phones. The past experience and imagining myself doing it in the present is exactly why I think this is so funny.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:45 PM on May 4, 2016

"Every guy has like snowboarding/surfing pics, and like, a dog, and a picture where they're drinking in Europe..."

I spit out my tea at that because that shit is so true. I actually took a year off of OKCupid a few years ago because damn near EVERY guy's profile had the same stuff: wine tasting, rock climbing, global travel and the same three types of pictures.

I'm only halfway through, but has she run across any scary/serial killer looking pics yet? Because I run across those all the time. Seriously guys on Tinder, Amy's doing you a solid here!
posted by smirkette at 12:47 PM on May 4, 2016

Thomas is cute. Can I swipe right on Thomas?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:51 PM on May 4, 2016

"That's a cute dog! That's a cute dog. Do you want to meet that dog? YEAH you do"

Wait now I don't know if this is tinder or just the conversation my boyfriend has with me on our walk to breakfast every day.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:57 PM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Is it just me, or were most of those guys really good looking? Where was Tinder when I was dating?
posted by Jubey at 3:59 PM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

How come none of them have a bowl of fruit in their pictures?
posted by nat at 5:09 PM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

I loved that.

When my 32 yo old daughter shows me guys on Tinder she drives me nuts because she won't stop to show more pictures on a guy that I think might be good. Then she's like "Douche!" on the next guy and I'm like "Why?" and then she's on to the next guy saying, "Hawt! Man bun!" and I'm like "He's a douche because of man bun!" and it usually ends up with me shouting, "Fuck!", "Kill!" "Marry!" as she swipes pictures at the rate of three per second.

We have fun with this.
posted by ITravelMontana at 6:45 PM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

oh god. Blockhead did a couple columns on being newly single on tinder, one from him having recently broken up after a long term relationship in his late 30s, the other from a long time galpal (same age) who had just moved to LA and reacting to being on twitter. I'll follow up when I get home.
posted by lkc at 8:06 PM on May 4, 2016

I can give you one word to sum up Tinder for a woman, EXHAUSTING.

Also, I get the bit, and I'm hoping its ... cleared, but seems kinda shitty to just show random people and talk shit about them.
Especially if its pics with them and friends or their mom.
posted by lkc at 1:06 AM on May 5, 2016 [3 favorites]

I feel sorry for the guys she mocked.
A little.
posted by Mezentian at 6:30 AM on May 5, 2016

I apparently can't get with the new short forms for words, because I stared at the link text blankly for far too long, wondering how one becomes a Professor of Tinder and how Schumer managed to get into her or his classroom.

In other news, now I'm disappointed there's no Professor of Tinder, but Amy Schumer comes pretty close to being one.
posted by ilana at 7:39 AM on May 5, 2016 [1 favorite]

Really not a fan of her making fun of the Jewish guy's Jewish name though.
posted by a car full of lions at 11:40 AM on May 5, 2016 [1 favorite]