We’re all rooting for you and/or plotting against you.
June 16, 2016 12:18 PM   Subscribe

 


A bowler hat is mandatory? I think not!
posted by King Sky Prawn at 12:41 PM on June 16, 2016


Does anyone have a line on NHS glasses frames from the early 1970s?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:42 PM on June 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


Five gallons of gasoline?

'The girl from Ipanema' had me.
Ba doot-doot-doot-doot-ta/da-duhdah-tahdoot.

This is a scream.
posted by clavdivs at 12:44 PM on June 16, 2016


Look out for men with umbrellas.
posted by Artw at 12:48 PM on June 16, 2016


This is what happened at those Toronto meetups that I missed, isn't it?

Damnit!
posted by jacquilynne at 1:07 PM on June 16, 2016


I'll do my part by making sure that everything I do (catching the bus, checking logs, buying coffee) is composed visually like a Jim Steranko splash page.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:14 PM on June 16, 2016


I think I already have 90% of the WIZARD kit.
posted by eckeric at 1:14 PM on June 16, 2016


Do I pay my dues in US dollars or rubles?
posted by usonian at 2:12 PM on June 16, 2016


Gold sovereigns.
posted by vibrotronica at 2:17 PM on June 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


this... I.... I would do this.

this thing that you are talking about. I would like to do it.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 2:19 PM on June 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


I taught ButterKid Front and Follow a couple weeks ago.

Oh god what am I?
posted by butterstick at 2:32 PM on June 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


I loved this piece on its own, but I also like it because the common response to it ("can I join?") makes me feel less like a sociopath for watching The Americans and thinking "Oh god, I'd be SO GOOD at that."
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:02 PM on June 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


I don't remember much from my Russian classes but I do remember (most) of the numbers. Get me in touch with whoever is running Radio Havana or Radio Moskva, and I'll be happy to show up at 0300 GMT and read off long sets of numbers in between Shostakovich pieces and occasional bursts from distressed music boxes.

(yes, I want to be a double-agent WIZARD. Crew-cut, thick black glasses, short-sleeved shirt with tie & pocket protector, analyst for the NSA by day, and transmitting to KGB field agents by night. Wishing I could tell my Station Chief how much I love him, and would confess everything in order to earn his love in return.)

The Whelk: you've come up with the first LARP I've ever wanted to play.
posted by honestcoyote at 3:25 PM on June 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


"For my last piece on The Toast..."

.

I could make up some kind of forced play-on-words about the Soviet Union BEING Toast, but I'll just concede that I am no longer a humorous-writing professional and leave it to the pros.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:27 PM on June 16, 2016


my dream job is to be a very earnest double agent.

I'm not... good at things. but I'm so good at being not good at things.

like, introduce me to a project in progress, and I will immediately make it run about ten percent of its original speed. Having me around makes things weird. Like, you thought this meeting was a conversation about how how much time we're spending on each deliverable? No it is not! It is now a conversation about Aristotle and the ethics of craft. I'm not using the word "ethics," I'm barely using the word "craft," and of course I never say "Aristotle," but the conversation is now about Aristotle and the ethics of craft. I need — at most — two short comments to derail the meeting altogether — and nothing about the comments even seems particularly off-topic. In fact, at the moment they seem like an interesting and useful new way to approach the time-per-deliverables problem.

Everyone leaves the room somewhat confused, but also convinced that they must in some way change their life, that there is something missing, that their work is both less but also somehow much more meaningful than they thought. By the time of the next meeting, everyone has forgotten the deliverables altogether, or else they're wondering if perhaps it would make more sense to send the client NOT the powerpoint deck they requested, but instead a collection of preserved arthropods.

As such, the most effective way to use me as a spy is to have me join The Other Side and then earnestly do the best I can to help them succeed. Your opponents, mortally distracted by their newfound need to discover the nature of the good life and their role in the world, will be ripe for the picking.

My mission accomplished, I leave no trace behind, except my business card — reading 'You Can't Tip a Buick: Epistemological Saboteur' — which I've left glued to the bottom of a forgotten cardboard box deep in the least-used storeroom, waiting patiently for no one to ever find it.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 3:33 PM on June 16, 2016 [16 favorites]


Thunderbolt...34...17...19
Thunderbolt...34...17...19

Mandolin...87...22...56
Mandolin...87...22...56

The post office will be closed all afternoon.
The post office will be closed all afternoon.

There are two cars in the driveway- a red one, and a brown one.
There are two cars in the driveway- a red one, and a brown one.

Xerxes...75...12...31
Xerxes...75...12...31
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:07 PM on June 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


The Whelk: you've come up with the first LARP I've ever wanted to play.

Right now I want to do a LARP where every player gets a card saying "You are the only intelligence operative at this diplomatic event. You MUST keep this secret. Your assignment is to find the lone enemy spy..."
posted by happyroach at 4:08 PM on June 16, 2016 [11 favorites]


I better show this to my wife. We've got a lot of wigs and paraphernalia stashed in a compartment behind the washing machine.
posted by Ber at 5:48 PM on June 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


BRINY… DEPTHS.
posted by usonian at 6:29 PM on June 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


This post title plays to my megalomania nicely.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 7:39 PM on June 16, 2016


Thanks, @The Whelk. My spycraft loving friend thoroughly enjoyed this, as did I.
posted by old_growler at 7:43 PM on June 16, 2016


Ber, I don't think you're supposed to divulge the existence and or location of the hypothetical compartment, if one were even there.

/adjusts brim in a nonchalant, yet determined manner, walks away whistling something that might be the Internationale, but could very well be something else entirely.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Toast has a lot in common with the Soviet Union. ((🔨Mainly that it will never die 🔨))
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:26 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Just got into watching the Americans. Now whenever there's a water utility truck on the block, I go hide under my bed.
posted by rikschell at 7:33 AM on June 17, 2016


As AlonzoMosleyFBI mentions, I got the idea to write this from the off hand joke I made here and because I was watching the Robert Redford/Brad spit thriller 'Spy Game' and noticing ...something very familiar about Redford's outfit.

In any case, here's your book with a subway map pasted inside, a recording device inside a Swiss fountain pen, and a non leathal sedative disguised as a breath mint. See you all at the Boeing post conference reception at the Manhattan club. First one to the microfiche wins.
posted by The Whelk at 9:26 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Related eBay find
posted by The Whelk at 12:41 PM on June 18, 2016


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