I know I want to be going flippity flop in the wind.
July 23, 2017 5:19 AM   Subscribe

 
As a straight American male how dedicated to nuts do you have to be to get into a synthetic nut war?
posted by Evilspork at 5:20 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


There's lotsa money in those nuts.
posted by thebrokedown at 5:37 AM on July 23, 2017


I'm just glad there was a happy ending for Dudders, the true hero of this story.
posted by capricorn at 6:05 AM on July 23, 2017 [15 favorites]


It's funny that they had this huge long argument about who invented Truck Nuts, when the answer clearly appears to be a "woman in northern Nevada who started selling them in the mid-'80s."
posted by jacquilynne at 6:08 AM on July 23, 2017 [85 favorites]


Has there ever been a worse mass-produced aesthetic modification for automotive vehicles than Truck Nuts? I would submit that there has not.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:09 AM on July 23, 2017 [23 favorites]


Eventually, he started selling them online and was eventually taken aback by their success.

I see the Vice layoffs are going well.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:11 AM on July 23, 2017 [32 favorites]




Yeah, the writing...it hurts.

But also:

In the mid-to-late 2000s, the product hit a tipping point and Truck Nuts exploded

Please for the love God does this have to do with the mid-to-late 2000s fall of the GOP
posted by schadenfrau at 6:22 AM on July 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


As a straight American male how dedicated to nuts do you have to be to get into a synthetic nut war?

My husband and his shooting buddy have purchased several sets of truck 'nads so they can randomly hang them on the vehicle of their third buddy, who a grownup and responsible professional-type and is QUITE UPTIGHT about his beloved Ford 250 Super Duty.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:23 AM on July 23, 2017 [51 favorites]


I saw some on a motorcycle the other day.

That is all.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:25 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


"We were probably talking for an hour and a half before I realized he was talking about balls."

Seduction need not be a crass affair. It can be a subtle dance, in which one gradually reveals one's intentions through gentle nuance and innuendo.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:33 AM on July 23, 2017 [66 favorites]


But was Dudders neutered? Did they equip him with FAKE TESTICLES after his neutering?

From the gender parity standpoint, however, we don't need any kind of fake vulvas on pickup trucks because the Dodge Ram logo already looks like a uterus and fallopian tubes.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:39 AM on July 23, 2017 [18 favorites]


In the great Truck Nuts War of the 2000s this was their Battle of Somme. This was their Stalingrad.

This is a shocking choice of words. The Battle of the Bulge was just hanging there, waiting to be plucked from the air.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:44 AM on July 23, 2017 [137 favorites]


The only thing that would make this story more American is if Chad Tombyll had a pistol on his belt when he went to confront Bozzy Willis over his truck nuts competition.
posted by Nelson at 7:12 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


This article is a lot better if you imagine everyone as Dale Gribble/Rusty Shackleford.
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:17 AM on July 23, 2017 [11 favorites]


"I read that both his web guy and Saller had passed away," Ham said. "And I thought, 'Wow, they're both dead, that's amazing.'"

What a truck putz.
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 7:30 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


" faux nads"

Heh.

mandolin conspiracy, you said "hanging there."

Heh.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 7:36 AM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


Ultimately it's about Truth in Truck Nut Journalism
posted by inflatablekiwi at 7:36 AM on July 23, 2017 [8 favorites]


Truck nuts are like Affliction t-shirts: an early warning system that you are in the immediate vicinity of one of the worst people in the world.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:41 AM on July 23, 2017 [19 favorites]


Wow. That's just nuts.
posted by runcibleshaw at 7:42 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


I saw some on a motorcycle the other day.

Were they centered over the rear tire? Or hanging on the right or left side, like when a boy dog is missing a hind leg?
posted by ejs at 7:53 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I live in Texas and the best set of truck nuts I ever saw hanging off the hitch of a pickup was a pair of nuts (the six-sided threaded kind that goes on a bolt) each about six inches in diameter with a chain through the centers. Now those, those are truck nuts.
posted by Standeck at 7:54 AM on July 23, 2017 [16 favorites]


Whatever happened to fuzzy dice?
posted by jonmc at 7:56 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


What we need, are little plastic butts that can be hung from truck nuts. We can call them: truck nuts anuses.
posted by mrgoat at 8:00 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


... we don't need any kind of fake vulvas on pickup trucks Subaru Outbacks ...

FTFY.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 8:01 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


It's funny that they had this huge long argument about who invented Truck Nuts, when the answer clearly appears to be a "woman in northern Nevada who started selling them in the mid-'80s."

This is the most intense reason for feminism I have ever read. Woman invents a thing first, not only do two old men fight over who gets to sell them and who invented them, but there's an entire several-thousand-word article on which old man invented them, and one sentence about the woman who really did, without her name or even an attempt to find out who she is.

If this isn't an indicator of the way the world still is, I don't know what is.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:09 AM on July 23, 2017 [144 favorites]


Truck nuts are like Affliction t-shirts: an early warning system that you are in the immediate vicinity of one of the worst people in the world.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:41 AM on July 23


See also: anyone sporting anything with the Punisher skull logo.
posted by Chrischris at 8:17 AM on July 23, 2017 [13 favorites]


It's funny that they had this huge long argument about who invented Truck Nuts, when the answer clearly appears to be a "woman in northern Nevada who started selling them in the mid-'80s."

This is the most intense reason for feminism I have ever read. Woman invents a thing first, not only do two old men fight over who gets to sell them and who invented them, but there's an entire several-thousand-word article on which old man invented them, and one sentence about the woman who really did, without her name or even an attempt to find out who she is.

If this isn't an indicator of the way the world still is, I don't know what is.


Seriously. Can't we have a post about male genital inspired truck accessories without someone dragging gender into it? Just one?
posted by Samizdata at 8:18 AM on July 23, 2017 [24 favorites]


I saw a pair of the bicycle version on last week's Seattle-to-Portland bike ride, and I rolled my eyes so hard I'm lucky I didn't wreck my bike. The sheer visceral irritation they engender in me shows they're clearly working as intended.

They are handy though in being a quick visual cue that I do not wish to know you. I'm not offended, but do require my friends to have a sense of humor that has progressed beyond that of an eight-year-old boy.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 8:22 AM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


...the product hit a tipping point and Truck Nuts exploded...

EXPLODING TRUCK NUTS
posted by zarq at 8:27 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


It's funny that they had this huge long argument about who invented Truck Nuts, when the answer clearly appears to be a "woman in northern Nevada who started selling them in the mid-'80s."

She's like the goddammed Rosalind Franklin of the automotive testicle world.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:28 AM on July 23, 2017 [57 favorites]


Whatever happened to fuzzy dice?

Waxing.
posted by zarq at 8:28 AM on July 23, 2017 [55 favorites]


Woman invents a thing first, not only do two old men fight over who gets to sell them and who invented them, but there's an entire several-thousand-word article on which old man invented them

Hmm. I don't know. The original invention was a thing that directly feeds into and reinforces patriarchal attitudes and sexist macho culture. I mean, I've heard people complaining about truck nuts as an aggressive/offensive expression of masculinity practically since day one. Is it "feminist" and a "win" for feminism just because a particular woman might profit? I'd argue no more than Thatcher advanced feminism as a champion of patriarchal systems and values. Or Coulter advances feminism by being a prominent woman engaged in political causes. It's not automatically empowering of women as a class just because it empowers one individual woman. That said, this story does nicely illustrate how women still don't get credit or blame for their ideas on an equal basis with men.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:29 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Whatever happened to fuzzy dice?

In a world with truck nuts, fuzzy dice are the equivalent of saying “Oh gosh-darn!”
posted by acb at 8:49 AM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


"As a straight American male how dedicated to nuts do you have to be to get into a synthetic nut war?"

"My husband and his shooting buddy have purchased several sets of truck 'nads so they can randomly hang them on the vehicle of their third buddy, who a grownup and responsible professional-type and is QUITE UPTIGHT about his beloved Ford 250 Super Duty."

That's fair.
posted by Evilspork at 8:53 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Truck nuts are like Affliction t-shirts: an early warning system that you are in the immediate vicinity of one of the worst people in the world.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:41 AM on July 23

See also: anyone sporting anything with the Punisher skull logo.


I gotta disagree with you there. There's a really awesome nurse where I work and she wears one every so often.

(Then we tend to geek out on comics/Netflix stuff if we both have time.)
posted by Samizdata at 9:03 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Also listening to the fuzzy dice/truck nutz debate...

[channels inner small telegenic Latina girl]

Why not both?

Or, split the difference and have fuzzy truck nutz?
posted by Samizdata at 9:04 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


"I live in Texas and the best set of truck nuts I ever saw hanging off the hitch of a pickup was..."

Wait, what was the best set of truck nuts you saw hanging off something other than a trailer hitch? What was the best set of truck nuts you saw that wern't hangin' off nothin'?
posted by Evilspork at 9:20 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


"Or, split the difference and have fuzzy truck nutz?"

There are two... mix and match?
posted by Evilspork at 9:24 AM on July 23, 2017


When we bought a F350 Super Duty Dually (to haul a 38' RV), my ex-husband desperately wanted a pair of Truck Nutz and I vetoed it. Not that long after, we separated (not solely because of that) and I'm certain they're one of the first things he bought after I left.
posted by AFABulous at 9:24 AM on July 23, 2017 [9 favorites]


I have always wondered how one spells "dually". It's a word I've heard many, many times because I grew up in truck country, but I've never seen it in print before.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:27 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


"Or, split the difference and have fuzzy truck nutz?"

There are two... mix and match?


I find that solution esthetically...disturbing.
posted by Samizdata at 9:42 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


*evil cackle*
posted by Evilspork at 9:45 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I have to admit, there's a part of me that really wants a big ass F-350 with a set of truck nuts.

Instead, I just went googling for a plastic vulva to dangle from my Prius. (Unbelievably, this does not exist. Capitalism fails again.)
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:45 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I have always wondered how one spells "dually". It's a word I've heard many, many times because I grew up in truck country, but I've never seen it in print before.

But that looks weird, looks like it'd be pronounced as three syllables like "do-al-ly"

I'd have gone with "Dooly."
posted by leotrotsky at 9:46 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Wait, what was the best set of truck nuts you saw hanging off something other than a trailer hitch?

Seen 'em on tractors once or twice. An ATV once; smaller version though. One time on a Diesel oil rig engine that was travelling on about a fifty wheel trailer with permits and pilot cars - looked small on that rig.
posted by Standeck at 9:49 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I didn't hire a contractor when he showed up with truck nutz on his 250. My logic was, this is not a person I want to be alone with for 8 hours a day.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:01 AM on July 23, 2017 [32 favorites]


I bet if I hung a rubber replica of Dale Earnhardt's mangled corpse from the back of my car, the people with Truck Nuts would be interested in a national dialogue about appropriate car decorations tout fucking suite.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:12 AM on July 23, 2017 [30 favorites]


Instead, I just went googling for a plastic vulva to dangle from my Prius.

If your vulva dangles, you should probably seek medical advice.

Perhaps the place for an automotive vulva would be on the front grille, sort of like the Lyft moustache only rotated by 90º.
posted by acb at 10:13 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Well, spelling lesson for me... The World's Largest Dually Truck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:14 AM on July 23, 2017


Instead, I just went googling for a plastic vulva to dangle from my Prius. (Unbelievably, this does not exist. Capitalism fails again.)

The thing about capitalism is... if you think the market is lacking a plastic Prius vulva, you can always just start selling them yourself.
posted by Spacelegoman at 10:22 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


Dualie, maybe?
posted by Bee'sWing at 10:29 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


If truck nuts wore pants, would they wear them like this, or like this
posted by oulipian at 10:44 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I've always thought it was dualie too. Dually just seems weird.

the best set of truck nuts I ever saw hanging off the hitch of a pickup was a pair of nuts (the six-sided threaded kind that goes on a bolt

My grandfather saw a few these on trucks a few months before he died, thought it was one of the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen, and set out to make fun of them. I think the first thing he did was figure out a way to hang an industrial size can of edible nuts from the hitch, then a large plastic peanut I think he ordered from Planters or something. But finally. . . well, I grew up in ranching country - if there's one thing that's not in short supply, it's cattle testicles. So Grandpa got a tanned and preserved bull scrotum (otherwise known as bull bags) and hung that from my grandparents' truck. I remember to keep it from swinging too wildly he filled it with mechanical nuts.

(I don't think he was dead a full day before my grandmother removed it.)
posted by barchan at 10:47 AM on July 23, 2017 [28 favorites]


When I was a kid I went to a science museum that had interactive exhibits, and one of them was a display of several sets of rubber life-like testicles. Some of them had like, various medical conditions listed on the display, and the point was that this display would teach you how to detect these diseases and conditions via playing with these rubber life-like nutsacks.

Needless to say, it was weird. There was much giggling.

Now whenever I see these truck nuts, I wonder if the owners fondle the nuts when they enter or exit the vehicle. I mean, why else would you want a facsimile of testicles available every time you travel.

Work the balls for good luck.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:56 AM on July 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


It's "duly", as in "They have a nice variety of gluten-free items available, duly noted on their menu."
posted by chrchr at 11:05 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


i was thinking, there's got to be a market for a plastic novelty sphincter fitted around the automobile's exhaust pipe

well perhaps it would be not the sphincter itself but the proximal ass flesh
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 11:06 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Seen 'em on tractors once or twice. An ATV once; smaller version though. One time on a Diesel oil rig engine that was travelling on about a fifty wheel trailer with permits and pilot cars - looked small on that rig.
Steroids.
posted by Horkus at 11:06 AM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


flyingsquirrel: you said "hanging there."

TBH, it was pretty low-hanging fruit.

Plums, specifically.

*removes glasses, massages bridge of nose*

*sighs*

Ok.

Let's do this thing:

This is just to say

I have stolen
the plums
that were on
your truck hitch

and which
you were probably
saying
you invented

Forgive me
they were pendulous
so low
and so bold
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:11 AM on July 23, 2017 [55 favorites]


Instead, I just went googling for a plastic vulva to dangle from my Prius.

Check the Honda Ridgeline parts catalog, I believe they have a set of repurposed mud flaps.
posted by Standeck at 11:14 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]




so much depends
upon

a red Ford
truck

glazed with Calvin
stickers

truck nuts hanging
low
posted by Nelson at 11:16 AM on July 23, 2017 [23 favorites]


Metafilter: if there's one thing that's not in short supply, it's cattle testicles.
posted by rmd1023 at 11:24 AM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


If truck nuts wore pants, would they wear them like this, or like this

Please use your turn signal to indicate whether sir dresses left or right.
posted by MonkeyToes at 11:27 AM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


They're all good truck testes, brant.
posted by dr_dank at 11:44 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Work the balls for good luck.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:56 on July 23 [2 favorites −] Favorite added [!]

Oh, so that's how it works.
posted by idiopath at 11:46 AM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


BRB, patenting bumper boobies.
posted by Joe in Australia at 11:50 AM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


I know these are usually indicators that the driver is not someone I am going to be buds with, but they still don't *offend* me. Truck nuts bother me far less than confederate flags and Trump stickers. And I sort of enjoy the puerile ridiculousness of them.

But yes I also want to know about their actual inventor.
posted by emjaybee at 12:03 PM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Hmm. I don't know. The original invention was a thing that directly feeds into and reinforces patriarchal attitudes and sexist macho culture. I mean, I've heard people complaining about truck nuts as an aggressive/offensive expression of masculinity practically since day one. Is it "feminist" and a "win" for feminism just because a particular woman might profit?

No one was claiming the product would suddenly become feminist because a woman invented it. The point is the story as told demonstrates the continued need for feminism simply because the actual inventor's story wasn't told at all. The lack of women's stories (even those that aren't a "feminist win") is the problem.

Is this what internet writing looks like when you fire all your editors? Because MY GOD.
posted by misskaz at 12:08 PM on July 23, 2017 [38 favorites]


I have never seen truck nuts in real life. I am just fine with this fact.
posted by Splunge at 12:09 PM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


They are like rolling coal, jacked up trucks, etc. A sign that someone is super insecure about their masculinity (only minor in itself) and is aggressively committed to displaying it (the real warning sign.)
posted by tavella at 12:09 PM on July 23, 2017 [10 favorites]


My nayme is truk;
Big nutz have I.
I wave them at
The passers-by.

They swing left
Wen I turn right.
My driver sez
Girls like this sight.
posted by JohnFromGR at 12:46 PM on July 23, 2017 [23 favorites]


Work the balls for good luck. posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon

ಠ_ಠ
posted by loquacious at 12:50 PM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Truck nuts bother me far less than ... Trump stickers.

I'm thinking there might be a way of making one of those things undermine the other.

If I had a certain sticker and the opportunity to affix it in a parking lot, say, to a truck with nuts just sitting there, it might be more tempting than I could resist to apply a sticker saying "Trump's nuts" with a pointing arrow.
posted by jamjam at 12:53 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


I think I just named my new punk band the Dangling Vulvas.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:13 PM on July 23, 2017




Can someone please ring Chad Tombyll and then tell me that Dudders lived happily every after thank you.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I passed a dude on the bike trail the other day with light-up bike nuts swinging from his saddle. It felt pretty good to say "On your left, ya ballsack."
posted by Burhanistan at 1:27 PM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


... bumper boobies ...

Already been done. Google '56 Cadillac.
posted by Bruce H. at 2:17 PM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


So Grandpa got a tanned and preserved bull scrotum (otherwise known as bull bags) and hung that from my grandparents' truck. I remember to keep it from swinging too wildly he filled it with mechanical nuts.

Hey dog...

You know, I assume you mean the bolt-and-nut kind of nut by that, but in context my first thought was some sort of wind-up walking testicle swarm. The gravid spider-monster of truck nuts, one fender-bender away from going full It on the highway.
posted by No-sword at 2:55 PM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


"This truck is driving me nuts! Yarrrrrr!"
posted by SisterHavana at 3:13 PM on July 23, 2017 [11 favorites]


MetaFilter: hit a tipping point and Truck Nuts exploded.
posted by Splunge at 3:13 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


I think it's wonderful we live in the kind of supportive society where these gentlemen feel safe in publicly proclaiming their insecurity about their own genitalia.
posted by oheso at 3:22 PM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: Some sort of wind-up walking testicle swarm.
posted by Evilspork at 3:31 PM on July 23, 2017 [5 favorites]




One of the reasons given for the failure of the Edsel automobile (aside from production and quality problems) is that its grille looked "too much like a vulva". So I guess it's already been (very abstractly) done?
posted by maxwelton at 3:56 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Which gave rise to the old joke:

Q: What's the difference between an Edsel and a Ferrari/Porsche/&c.?
A: In the Edsel, the c___ is on the outside.
posted by acb at 4:04 PM on July 23, 2017


why are straight guys so obsessed with balls, anyway? (I mean, some of these guys could be gay, but I've never known a definitely gay guy who owned or wanted truck nuts.)
posted by AFABulous at 6:05 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Whatever happened to fuzzy dice?

They're a pull-over-able offense in lots of places. Turns out, hanging a couple of giant view-obstructors in your line of sight is something of a safety hazard.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:06 PM on July 23, 2017


There's a beat up blue Mitsubishi Lancer in my neighbourhood with the typical over-large spoiler and it boasts a pair of TruckNutz(tm). Except he's chosen a blue pair to match his rice rocket. I could be wrong, but blue balls are something that most guys do not want to have, correct?
posted by ninazer0 at 6:28 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


To counter the truck nuts I considered putting a fleshlight in my trailer hitch but then decided i didn't want deal with the consequences of that.
posted by captaincrouton at 6:29 PM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


MonkeyToes: "Well, spelling lesson for me... The World's Largest Dually Truck."

Not even close.
posted by Mitheral at 6:58 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Sort of a nonsequitur, but I was curious if anybody could remember which kind of car Lorena Bobbit was driving when she made the first foray into auto genitalia? As you will all remember though, her attempt at 'Auto Wangs' failed when it was not attached to the car with enough adhesive.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:01 PM on July 23, 2017


There's a beat up blue Mitsubishi Lancer in my neighbourhood with the typical over-large spoiler and it boasts a pair of TruckNutz(tm). Except he's chosen a blue pair to match his rice rocket. I could be wrong, but blue balls are something that most guys do not want to have, correct?

Heh. At work the other day, I was hanging out and smoking before the shift started with a coworker. He was wearing a blue Chicago basketball hat. Another guy walked by wearing a red version of the same hat. I made a comment to said coworker about the hat, and he mentioned he was wearing the same hat.

So, I went for it without fear or hesitation.

I looked him straight in the face and, deadpan, said "So, you prefer Blue Bulls?"

(Also do not ask me to mention the embarrassing comment I made about the bottle of Bawls I had once.)
posted by Samizdata at 7:06 PM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Truck nuts are like Affliction t-shirts: an early warning system that you are in the immediate vicinity of one of the worst people in the world.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:41 AM on July 23
See also: anyone sporting anything with the Punisher skull logo.

I gotta disagree with you there. There's a really awesome nurse where I work and she wears one every so often.

(Then we tend to geek out on comics/Netflix stuff if we both have time.)
posted by Samizdata at 9:03 on July 23
So, wait, why is the really awesome nurse you work with wearing truck nuts? Aren't they for trucks?
posted by anem0ne at 7:26 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Unscrupulous Ham Gang is the name of my next band
posted by tully_monster at 7:43 PM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Mine is Proximal Ass Flesh
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:21 PM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


AFABulous: why are straight guys so obsessed with balls, anyway?

The Romans were all about the penis. One book I've got says that they attached a giant penis to the triumphal chariot. Perhaps Truck Nuts - which I could've sworn were spelled Truck Nutz - are an imperial echo.
posted by clawsoon at 8:49 PM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


That article was an unreadable pile of "and then he said, and then he said, and then this other guy" that I imagined being told by a 14 year old who just got home from school.
posted by bongo_x at 9:44 PM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


Truck Nuts are the reason why you want to include in your trunk a pair of shears and a bottle of ketchup.
posted by happyroach at 10:52 PM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Has there ever been a worse mass-produced aesthetic modification for automotive vehicles than Truck Nuts?

Why would you ask such a horrible question?

Why would you ask such a horrible question on the internet?
posted by straight at 10:55 PM on July 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


> Has there ever been a worse mass-produced aesthetic modification for automotive vehicles than Truck Nuts?

Why would you ask such a horrible question on the internet?


I would submit these items of useless whimsy, but each fails the specifications in its own way. (Note: links may not meet various workplace guidelines.)

mystery link 1
mystery link 2
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:36 AM on July 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


To counter the truck nuts I considered putting a fleshlight in my trailer hitch but then decided i didn't want deal with the consequences of that.

Add some visually conspicuous spikes and make it a vagina dentata?
posted by acb at 12:45 AM on July 24, 2017


So, wait, why is the really awesome nurse you work with wearing truck nuts? Aren't they for trucks?

Wait, I thought we were discussing Punisher logos?
posted by Samizdata at 1:20 AM on July 24, 2017


"mystery link 1"

Ah, thank you, web browser previously visited link feature.
posted by Evilspork at 1:33 AM on July 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


Add some visually conspicuous spikes and make it a vagina dentata?

I think you'd have to, to prevent some jerk from boning your car
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:16 AM on July 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


I could be wrong, but blue balls are something that most guys do not want to have, correct?

There is a fetish (and associated subreddit) for everything these days.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:09 AM on July 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: a one-stop destination for all your fake ballsack needs
posted by TheShadowKnows at 10:05 AM on July 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Anatomically, truck nuts make no sense because the asshole is all the way up in the cab.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:33 AM on July 24, 2017 [13 favorites]


Confession: I own both a black 2003 Chevy S-10 pickup, and a pair of black TruckNutz.

I am a femme-presenting woman.

The TruckNutz were a gag gift from a guy friend...perhaps not incidentally when he told me he had feelings for me?

Reader, I did not marry him. (or even date him. we're still friends though)

I didn't have a hitch when he gave them to me, although in the years hence, I've had a receiver hitch installed -- all the better for Truck Nutz display. However, the TruckNutz are still not currently installed n' hangin, because I'm lazy. "How to install TruckNutz" is indeed in my YouTube and Google search histories, though.

I don't leave my hitch in because I park on the street overnight and don't want it to get stolen. I'm not ashamed to admit that whenever I get around to shopping for a lock for my hitch, I'll linger long enough for the items to install my 'Nutz.

I think the 'Nutz will look nice with my "Pence Must Go" bumper sticker (re: his former gubernatorial campaigns here in Indiana) and my "I support Planned Parenthood" window cling.

hashtag partoftheproblem
posted by leemleem at 10:44 AM on July 24, 2017 [6 favorites]


I live in a hilariously wang-shaped state in the southeastern US that banned Truck Nutz back in 2008.

Check out deez articles .
posted by Cookiebastard at 1:31 PM on July 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Truck nuts have never shocked my sensibilities; they just make me go WTF and "God, how stupid can people be?" But now I'm starting to wonder if it might not be a great idea to put a pair on the back of a Smart Car.
posted by tully_monster at 9:14 PM on July 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


So, wait, why is the really awesome nurse you work with wearing truck nuts? Aren't they for trucks?

Wait, I thought we were discussing Punisher logos?


Huh? Why do the truck nuts have Punisher logos on them?
posted by anem0ne at 11:52 AM on July 25, 2017


What about two 3d Punisher logos in a plastic scrotum?
posted by Burhanistan at 12:03 PM on July 25, 2017


(With a blue police lives matter stripe)
posted by Burhanistan at 12:04 PM on July 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


There is absolutely a market for that.
posted by AFABulous at 3:13 PM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


I just went googling for a plastic vulva to dangle from my Prius

The beef curtains should adorn the rear window, obviously.
posted by e1c at 10:34 AM on July 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


The beef curtains should adorn the rear window, obviously.

Are you mad? Beef curtains are a front bottom.
posted by ninazer0 at 5:02 PM on August 1, 2017 [3 favorites]


Labia louvers
posted by Burhanistan at 10:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


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