Hola, Papi!
November 7, 2017 12:16 PM Subscribe
Hola Papi! is an advice column by "writer, Twitterer, and prolific Grindr user John Paul Brammer", that tackles topics like cultural appropriation, internalized homophobia, and mental health concerns with empathy and humor.
Columns so far:
Columns so far:
- Is Reverse Racism Real and Affecting My Dating Life?
- What To Do When You’re Not Like The ‘Other’ Gays
- Is True Love Real, Y/N?
- Here’s Why Men Ghost
- To Stay For Love Or Leave For Work?
- What To Do When Your BFF Is Hotter Than You
- You’re Not A Sassy Black Woman, Tho
- Do I Need The Perfect Body To Find A Man?
- The Games We Must Play For Love
- Are Relationship Deadlines Real?
- When Straight Men Won’t Love Us Back
- The Pursuit of Finding Love While Battling Mental Illness
- When Your Boyfriend Is A Destiny’s Child Lyric
Oh would that everyone read the cultural appropriation/You're Not a Sassy Black Woman link. Especially all of the people who you can tell watch RuPaul's Drag Race and/or Broad City.
posted by elsietheeel at 12:40 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by elsietheeel at 12:40 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
Here’s Why Men Ghost
Is the answer cowardice and self-centeredness?
I'm betting the answer is cowardice and self-centeredness.
posted by darkstar at 1:24 PM on November 7, 2017
Is the answer cowardice and self-centeredness?
I'm betting the answer is cowardice and self-centeredness.
posted by darkstar at 1:24 PM on November 7, 2017
Having RTFA'd now, it appears he doesn't actually address the issue as posed in his headline.
Instead, he talks about why it hurts and how to deal with it when it happens. Which, to be fair, is the question asked in the letter sent to him, but still.
posted by darkstar at 1:28 PM on November 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
Instead, he talks about why it hurts and how to deal with it when it happens. Which, to be fair, is the question asked in the letter sent to him, but still.
posted by darkstar at 1:28 PM on November 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
Huh, just realized that the job he lost in his drive-to-Amarillo-and-jump-on-a-horse manic episode was at my old local bookstore. It make me stupidly happy to see an alum of Full Circle Books do well for themselves. Keep killing it, JP!
posted by suckerpunch at 1:32 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by suckerpunch at 1:32 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
What To Do When You’re Not Like The ‘Other’ Gays plays like a best of collection of rants I have heard about this typical stage of gay male life. The empathetic "that was me once, too" is a nice cherry on top.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:36 PM on November 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 1:36 PM on November 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
"I am not the Ta-Nehisi Coates of 'Top or Bottom?' "
Possibly his finest work.
posted by LMGM at 2:04 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
Possibly his finest work.
posted by LMGM at 2:04 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
Wow. That internalized homophobia reply was brutal.
posted by Splunge at 2:42 PM on November 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Splunge at 2:42 PM on November 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was literally clicked to comment specifically to post the line LMGM just did. This is great, thanks.
posted by PMdixon at 3:06 PM on November 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by PMdixon at 3:06 PM on November 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
I kind of just want to read this all day:
What better way to usher in Halloween season than with a column that touches on so many of our private fears? Commitment! Complicated emotions! Struggles with self-worth! OOOooOoooOOoh!posted by corb at 3:50 PM on November 7, 2017 [4 favorites]
Please pretend I said all that in a spooky voice. Like a camp counselor sitting by a crackling fire, telling a ghost story with an upturned flashlight to his face. Yes, I am aware I am going to die alone.
Probably worth noting that the author bio mentions Grindr because the publication Into is owned by Grindr.
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:55 PM on November 7, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:55 PM on November 7, 2017 [3 favorites]
Let’s take the “sassiness” you attribute to black women, for example. You might personally interpret it as positive, or as a source of strength. But for black women, “sassiness” means being taken less seriously, means not getting a job, or means being denied the house because they are “too loud” or “too much” or “not a good fit for the neighborhood.”
Because, at the end of the day, you can drop that persona whenever you please and wherever it is convenient. A black woman cannot. It’s contributing to a harmful stereotype without having to deal with any of the real-world repercussions of it.
Brilliant.
posted by medusa at 10:50 PM on November 7, 2017
Because, at the end of the day, you can drop that persona whenever you please and wherever it is convenient. A black woman cannot. It’s contributing to a harmful stereotype without having to deal with any of the real-world repercussions of it.
Brilliant.
posted by medusa at 10:50 PM on November 7, 2017
Wow. That internalized homophobia reply was brutal.
but probably necessary. I can't speak for L's, but the amount of GBT's I've met who "only date straight guys" is concerning, if only for practical purposes
I believe your struggle is that you have been taught all your life that being gay is bad because feminine things are bad and therefore you are bad because you are gay. It’s an insidious cycle. We are taught to hate ourselves, and then we project that hate onto others who embody the traits we were socialized to reject to score cool points from people who wouldn’t like us if they knew who we really were.
There we go.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:44 AM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
but probably necessary. I can't speak for L's, but the amount of GBT's I've met who "only date straight guys" is concerning, if only for practical purposes
I believe your struggle is that you have been taught all your life that being gay is bad because feminine things are bad and therefore you are bad because you are gay. It’s an insidious cycle. We are taught to hate ourselves, and then we project that hate onto others who embody the traits we were socialized to reject to score cool points from people who wouldn’t like us if they knew who we really were.
There we go.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:44 AM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
"I believe your struggle is that you have been taught all your life that being gay is bad because feminine things are bad and therefore you are bad because you are gay. It’s an insidious cycle. We are taught to hate ourselves, and then we project that hate onto others who embody the traits we were socialized to reject to score cool points from people who wouldn’t like us if they knew who we really were."
So, by this reasoning, women who consider the whole girly-girl thing bad taste are victims of internalized misogyny, and men who eschew professional sports, hunting and leering at women suffer from internalized misandry.
After being out for more than 40 years, I have reached the conclusion that effeminacy exists on a spectrum and some men, gay or straight, are by nature more effeminate than others.
However, nobody, and that includes gay men, lives in a cultural vacuum. When I was coming out in the 1970s, it seemed to me that a high percentage of the older men I met, people who were my age in the 1950s, were pretty campy and effeminate. That, I believe, was much more likely the result of their post-coming-out socialization into the gay culture of the era rather than an expression of their innate identity. Believe me, nobody is born referring to other men as "she" or delivering a snarky, campy patter that would put Paul Lynde to shame. These men were code switching, using effeminacy in the private sphere as a common bond and shelter against a deeply homophobic society.
Fast forward to the 21st century, and I submit that some gay men's effeminate ways of being and stereotypically gay interests and activities are in fact socially acquired in order to fit in with a peer group where that way of being is valued.
If I have a struggle, it's with essentialist thinkers like Brammer or Dan Savage who go nuts at the thought that any gay man might find effeminate gay men off-putting. It's bad enough that they presume to know the values and beliefs I have picked up over a lifetime, worse yet that they claim to know my motives and accuse people like me of sucking up to detestable caricatures of male toxicity in order to "score cool points."
posted by A. Davey at 6:28 PM on November 22, 2017
So, by this reasoning, women who consider the whole girly-girl thing bad taste are victims of internalized misogyny, and men who eschew professional sports, hunting and leering at women suffer from internalized misandry.
After being out for more than 40 years, I have reached the conclusion that effeminacy exists on a spectrum and some men, gay or straight, are by nature more effeminate than others.
However, nobody, and that includes gay men, lives in a cultural vacuum. When I was coming out in the 1970s, it seemed to me that a high percentage of the older men I met, people who were my age in the 1950s, were pretty campy and effeminate. That, I believe, was much more likely the result of their post-coming-out socialization into the gay culture of the era rather than an expression of their innate identity. Believe me, nobody is born referring to other men as "she" or delivering a snarky, campy patter that would put Paul Lynde to shame. These men were code switching, using effeminacy in the private sphere as a common bond and shelter against a deeply homophobic society.
Fast forward to the 21st century, and I submit that some gay men's effeminate ways of being and stereotypically gay interests and activities are in fact socially acquired in order to fit in with a peer group where that way of being is valued.
If I have a struggle, it's with essentialist thinkers like Brammer or Dan Savage who go nuts at the thought that any gay man might find effeminate gay men off-putting. It's bad enough that they presume to know the values and beliefs I have picked up over a lifetime, worse yet that they claim to know my motives and accuse people like me of sucking up to detestable caricatures of male toxicity in order to "score cool points."
posted by A. Davey at 6:28 PM on November 22, 2017
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This continues with a good write up of when the depression hits. Yep, this person knows the rollercoaster.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:21 PM on November 7, 2017 [5 favorites]