"Hi, I'm Max Keller. This is how I usually leave a bar."
January 20, 2018 11:04 AM   Subscribe

Thirty-four years ago today, NBC premiered The Master (publicity still), a ninja action series starring Western film veteran Lee Van Cleef (as the ninja) and Timothy Van Patten, half-brother of Dick Van Patten, as his hot-headed young sidekick. Each week, Max and The Master drive into a new town (in Max's custom van) and end up protecting/rescuing a damsel in distress from greedy land developers, union-busters, crimelords and their thugs, a surprisingly high number of other ninjas, and the occasional terrorist. (Here's Van Cleef promoting the show on Carson.) Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 know the show from Master Ninja I and II, repackaged video versions of the first four episodes. Cancelled after 13 episodes, the entire series is viewable on YouTube:

Premise (from Wikipedia): John Peter McAllister (Van Cleef), an American veteran who stayed in Japan following World War II and became a ninja master, leaves Japan for the United States in search of a daughter he did not know he had. This flight from his ninja life is seen as dishonorable by his fellow ninjas, including his former student, Okasa (Sho Kosugi), who attempts to assassinate him. Escaping with a minor wound, McAllister finds himself in the small town of Ellerston, where he believes his daughter resides. Along the way, he meets a drifter named Max Keller (Van Patten). Max desires to learn to fight like a ninja, but McAllister is reluctant to train him, feeling him to be too emotional.

THE MASTER EPISODE GUIDE
(MST3K fans take note: The first few links include the original opening credits and theme song, which Film Ventures International removed for their video re-releases.)

1. "Max" (January 20, 1984) – After meeting McAllister, Max gets involved in a dispute between Mr. Christensen, a ruthless developer, and the Trumbulls, a father and daughter who run an airport targeted by Christensen.
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Clu Gulager (San Francisco International Airport*) as the villain; Claude Akins and Demi Moore as the Trumbulls. Robert Clouse (director of Enter the Dragon) directed this episode.
* = Sorry MiSTies, none of the six episodes of this series appear to be on YouTube. --Ed.

2. "Out-of-Time Step" (January 27, 1984) – A ninja-guarded crime lord mistakes Max and McAllister for bodyguards hired by a nightclub owner the crime lord is trying to control.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Brian Tochi (Revenge of the Nerds, the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Night Terrors") as the crime lord.

3. "State of the Union" (February 3, 1984) – Max befriends a "biker chick" who is trying to organize a union at the cannery where she works; he and McAllister strike back when the cannery owner tries to strong arm the girl and the union.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Crystal Bernard (of Wings fame) as the union organizer.

4. "Hostages" (February 10, 1984) – McAllister is accused by a secret agent of helping a band of terrorists; to prove his innocence, he must help rescue the hostages that the terrorists have taken.
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: George Lazenby (the second James Bond) as "Mallory"; David McCallum (Man from U.N.C.L.E.) as the head terrorist; Monte Markham (The Second Hundred Years, Hawaii Five-O, Blanche's brother on The Golden Girls) as the head of the CIA.

5. "High Rollers" (March 2, 1984) – A former girlfriend of Max's becomes a pawn in a Las Vegas heist when her daughter is held hostage to ensure her cooperation. The resulting adventure leads Max and McAllister to a deserted western movie set, where the Master makes himself very much at home.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Terri Treas (Alien Nation, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell) as Max's former girlfriend.

6. "Fat Tuesday" (March 9, 1984) – During Mardi Gras in New Orleans, a reporter uses Teri McAllister's name as a cover for her own sources, hoping to bring down a respected local citizen who is secretly running guns to Arab terrorists. Max and McAllister become entangled as a result.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Robert Pine (Veep, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jim's dad on The Office).

7. "Juggernaut" (March 16, 1984) – Max and McAllister help a mother and daughter organize the local farmers against an evil land baron. McAllister has more success romancing the mother than Max does with the daughter. At the close of this episode, Max and McAllister are joined on their van-voyage by Cat Sinclair (Tara Buckman), a potential love interest for Max.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Diana Muldaur (Dr. Ann Mulhall and Dr. Miranda Jones on Star Trek: The Original Series, Dr. Pulaski on Star Trek: The Next Generation) as McAllister's love interest.

8. "The Good, the Bad and the Priceless" (March 23, 1984) – Caught between a criminal mastermind and an FBI agent posing as McAllister's daughter, the two leads find themselves forced to steal the Crown Jewels of England. The Cat Sinclair character is mentioned by Max in the opening narration as if she is a new regular cast member, but this is the last episode she appears in; the character is never mentioned again and no explanation for her disappearance is given.
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Janine Turner (Northern Exposure); George Maharis (Route 66).

9. "Kunoichi" (April 6, 1984) – With the help of a female pupil, Okasa puts in motion a plan to frame McAllister for the murder of an old friend, who is now a prominent government official in Washington.
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: William Campbell (Koloth from Star Trek: The Original Series and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine); Jack Kelly (Maverick).

10. "The Java Tiger" (April 13, 1984) – Max and McAllister take a break from the search for Teri to help out a friend of McAllister's: a bumbling PI, based in Hawaii, who is on a quest for a legendary tiger made of gold. Unfortunately, a Bond-villain-like crime lord with a penchant for karate is also interested in the Java Tiger.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Anthony de Longis (Maje Culluh from Star Trek: Voyager); Kabir Bedi (Octopussy).

11. "Failure to Communicate" (May 4, 1984) – Max reunites with his estranged father Patrick, who is a pawn in a kidnapping scheme.
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Marc Alaimo (Gul Dukat from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) as one of the villains; Mark Goddard (Lost in Space); Rebecca Holden (Knight Rider, one-time "Breck Girl"); Doug McClure (The Virginian, and multiple films featured on MST3K) as Max's father.

12. "Rogues" (August 10, 1984) – A high school friend of Max's is now a cop, on the run from a band of crooked cops. A woman who runs a gym harasses McAllister about being out of shape.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: Spice Williams (Klingon bridge officer in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier).

13. "A Place to Call Home" (August 31, 1984) – Max and McAllister protect an orphanage from greedy land developers, with Max playing surrogate father to a troubled teen.
NOTABLE GUEST STAR: James Gammon (Major League, Nash Bridges); Sho Kosugi's son Kane.

AFTER THE MASTER
Creator Michael Sloan (who'd had a hit in the '70s with Quincy M.E.) had more success in 1985 with The Equalizer, starring Edward Woodward and several more notable guest stars than The Master had.

Lee Van Cleef never acted on television again, but appeared in a few more films prior to his death in 1989. Further reading: TheBad.net - A Tribute to Lee Van Cleef

Timothy (now credited as Tim) Van Patten now has a successful career as a television director, winning Emmys for his work on The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire. He has also directed episodes of Rome, Game of Thrones, and Black Mirror.

Previously on FanFare: the MST3K episodes Master Ninja I and Master Ninja II. And here's the "Master Ninja Theme Song" sketch from the end of the first one.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil (27 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite
 
I loved the Norma Rae ripoff episode that was on MST3k. The one about the hostage situation kind of grated, but the union episode was pure seventies nonsense, a companion piece to Riding With Death.
posted by Countess Elena at 11:13 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


Ninjas were hot in the early 80s if you were a preteen boy. Having said this, The Master was in no way as cool as Enter the Ninja. Now, thanks to MST3k, my mouldering middle-aged mind has found a new appreciation for this show.
posted by Jessica Savitch's Coke Spoon at 11:35 AM on January 20, 2018


The Master was probably the best TV series whose "feature length" versions were featured on MST3K (And by 'best' I mean 'best for MST3K'). A wonderful experience on MeFi's MST3K Club. And their depiction of the "Van Patten Family Chart" was an inspiration for every conspiracy theory chart of the past 20 years (putting The Master two degrees away from Hannity).

There was some inspired guest casting on that show, especially episode 4 with George Lazenby, David McCallum and the forever-underrated Monte Markham. Episode 7 with Diana Muldaur 4 years before her re-Trekking as a 'love interest'. And episode 11 with Marc "Gul Dukat" Alaimo, Mark "Don West"Goddard (the future and the past of TV SciFi), and representing Westerns: Doug McClure.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:27 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Oh sweet! We watched this but I was too young to really remember it.
posted by Calzephyr at 12:27 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Master ninja theme song!

(sorry missed it already linked there)
posted by vrakatar at 12:27 PM on January 20, 2018 [8 favorites]


Master Ninja Theme Song was briefly my ringtone, and is still occasionally sung in the Guy household (and not just by me).
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:55 PM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


Wow, there's more of them? The first mst3k one is great because it has sho kosugi in it.

Also: "Demi Moore? I've had dreams of her running out of the woods and in to my Chevy van!"
posted by lkc at 1:08 PM on January 20, 2018


For a few years in the 80s, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a ninja.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:49 PM on January 20, 2018 [8 favorites]


> Timothy (now credited as Tim) Van Patten now has a successful career as a television director, winning Emmys for his work on The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire. He has also directed episodes of Rome, Game of Thrones, and Black Mirror.

Not the happy ending I was expecting. Is there a term for this, when someone starts off doing something incredibly cheesy and ends up proceeding to be a master of their craft? Danny Elfman comes to mind as another example, but I'm sure someone can come up with better examples. Spike Jonze? Shakespeare?
posted by bunbury at 1:59 PM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


John Peter McAllister (Van Cleef), an American veteran who stayed in Japan following World War II

"The tranquility of post-war Japan?"

"Out-of-Time Step"

In all seriousness, can someone please explain what this title means? I've never been able to figure it out. It doesn't parse! What does it mean???

Trivia tidbit: legend has it that MST3K was set to riff another two episodes of Master Ninja in Season 6, but instead replaced them with "Samson vs the Vampire Women" as a final pick from TV's Frank Conniff for his departure from the series.
posted by Servo5678 at 2:01 PM on January 20, 2018


I think the "time step" part of the title has something to do with dancing; remember, this is the one where the (other) old guy was cast for his tap-dancing prowess. The "Out-of-" is appended in relation to the whole thing where the villain gives them twenty-four hours or whatever to meet his demands, I expect.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 2:09 PM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


These are surprisingly fun viewed in retrospect. Me and a friend have gone through nearly all of them we only have the last one to go. One of the best is #9, which wants its reveal to be shocking but is incredibly guessable (especially to US audience members who knows what "Kunoichi" means, which weren't a whole lot back then).

One of the weird bits is the occasional (at least three to my count) references to Lee Van Cleef's career in Westerns, which are especially cheesy moments from a very cheesy time.

I'm glad CheesesOfBrazil finally posted this! I was starting to consider maybe doing it myself!
posted by JHarris at 2:39 PM on January 20, 2018


Because those Van Pattens are so headstrong!

My favorite Van Patten thing aside from the song about "Dick Van Patten's Hobo Chili for Dogs" on More Information Than You Require's audiobook.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:41 PM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


Yes, a time step is a tap-dancing step. It's a little shuffle-ball-change that you do to fill up time in between more interesting moves, or while someone else is dancing a solo.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:45 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


For a few years in the 80s, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a ninja.

The Inverse Ninja Law in action.
posted by ckape at 4:33 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


when someone starts off doing something incredibly cheesy and ends up proceeding to be a master of their craft? Danny Elfman comes to mind as another example, but I'm sure someone can come up with better examples.

Jovanotti.
posted by freebird at 4:45 PM on January 20, 2018


when someone starts off doing something incredibly cheesy and ends up proceeding to be a master of their craft? Danny Elfman comes to mind as another example, but I'm sure someone can come up with better examples.

"Worked for Roger Corman." (Corman is actually a master in his own way, but hey. I could also argue that Danny Elfman's early soundtrack work with his brother Richard Elfman was pure genius; Incredibly cheesy, yes, but genius.)
posted by ovvl at 5:23 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


when someone starts off doing something incredibly cheesy and ends up proceeding to be a master of their craft?

Vangelis?

Ninjas were hot in the early 80s

Ninjas were cool and by “cool” I mean totally sweet.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:11 PM on January 20, 2018 [3 favorites]


For a few years in the 80s, you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a ninja.

That's because of the purpose of a ninja.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:51 PM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]


My main memory of this as a kid was that every ep seem to have to involve some sort of tightrope walk (like on telegraph wires) to get into the bad guys hq or something... obv getting full value of the stunt guy who could do that.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:36 AM on January 21, 2018


(Skimming through a few eps and I see tightrope walking was not as prominent as I remembered, sadly)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:43 AM on January 21, 2018


I knew Timothy Van Patten best from The White Shadow, which was on TV in the years as Dick Van Patten's Eight is Enough. I remember being very confused that that kid "Salami" on The White Shadow was the brother of that old dude with those eight kids on that other show.
posted by ceejaytee at 5:49 AM on January 21, 2018 [4 favorites]


@ceejaytee -- you aren't the only one confused by Salami's appearances on other shows.
posted by billm at 10:13 AM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


Ah, holy shit I've always thought for sure Timothy was Dick's son. 30 years apart in age as half-brothers can do that, I guess.
posted by rhizome at 1:19 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


I loved this show when I was a kid.
posted by josher71 at 11:05 AM on January 22, 2018


"That's because of the purpose of a ninja."

Thank you, I was hoping to see a link to this here. :)
posted by Capricorn13 at 12:37 PM on January 22, 2018 [3 favorites]


(I was so very pleased that the site still existed.)
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:56 PM on January 22, 2018 [2 favorites]


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