"He became corrupted! Soon his crime makes him old before his time."
May 22, 2018 12:36 PM Subscribe
He was young and handsome, his mother’s pride and joy—but he died in torment, blind, sick and paralyzed—at the age of seventeen. If only he’d known the perils of masturbation, then he might have lived a better life.
There are ways to prevent this tragedy (NSFW).
There are ways to prevent this tragedy (NSFW).
Don't even think about posting that damn Ernest Cline quote.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:49 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:49 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
If only I had heard this in when I was younger.
posted by mondo dentro at 12:52 PM on May 22, 2018
posted by mondo dentro at 12:52 PM on May 22, 2018
Masturbation is no joke. It's how David Carradine died.
posted by Groundhog Week at 12:54 PM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Groundhog Week at 12:54 PM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
The decline and death of the guy in the first look sounds a little to me like tuberculosis: "He coughs up blood... A slow fever consumes him... he cannot sleep... His entire body is covered with pustules."
Perhaps it's less about masturbation and more about being to provide something to blame in the face of an incurable disease: i.e. "you deserved to die of tuberculosis because you masturbated," not "you died of tuberculosis because sometimes bad shit happens for no good reason."
posted by crazy with stars at 1:10 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Perhaps it's less about masturbation and more about being to provide something to blame in the face of an incurable disease: i.e. "you deserved to die of tuberculosis because you masturbated," not "you died of tuberculosis because sometimes bad shit happens for no good reason."
posted by crazy with stars at 1:10 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
God, I dreamed there was an angel
Who could hear me through the wall
As I cried out, like in Latin
"This is so not life at all!
Help me out, out of this nightmare,"
Then I heard her silver call
She said: "Just give it time, kid
I come to one and all"
She said, "Give me that hand, please
And the itch you can't control
Let me teach you how to handle
All the sadness in your soul
Oh, we'll work that silver magic
Then we'll aim it at the wall"
She said, "Love may make you blind, kid
But I wouldn't mind at all"
-- Bitch of Living, Spring Awakening
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Who could hear me through the wall
As I cried out, like in Latin
"This is so not life at all!
Help me out, out of this nightmare,"
Then I heard her silver call
She said: "Just give it time, kid
I come to one and all"
She said, "Give me that hand, please
And the itch you can't control
Let me teach you how to handle
All the sadness in your soul
Oh, we'll work that silver magic
Then we'll aim it at the wall"
She said, "Love may make you blind, kid
But I wouldn't mind at all"
-- Bitch of Living, Spring Awakening
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Huh, while reading up on Steam policy for porn games in another thread I just uncovered that Robert Yang has a new game featuring male masturbation: Marathon.
posted by Nelson at 1:30 PM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Marathon is a 0-99 hour game about the athletic endurance required to masturbate for very long durations. I only spent about 6 hours making the gameI played it for a couple of minutes but got bored and finished quickly.
posted by Nelson at 1:30 PM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
He was young and handsome, his mother’s pride and joy—but he died in torment, blind, sick and paralyzed—at the age of seventeen. If only he’d known the perils of masturbation, then he might have lived a better life.This, in a nutshell, was the warning to young French men as published in Le livre sans titre (“The Book With No Title”) in 1830. .
Today it's simply known as the wank album.
posted by Query at 1:40 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Today it's simply known as the wank album.
posted by Query at 1:40 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Well, I've made it past 17 so I should be safe right?
posted by each day we work at 1:44 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by each day we work at 1:44 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
If only there was an opportunity for levity in light of such a serious topic.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:38 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:38 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
>If only there was an opportunity for levity in light of such a serious topic.
Yes, a deft touch could have definitely helped.
posted by mosk at 3:27 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yes, a deft touch could have definitely helped.
posted by mosk at 3:27 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
If I use my left hand, will my escutcheon end up with a bend sinister?
posted by flabdablet at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 3:45 PM on May 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
In college in the late 90s in Iowa, I took Human Sexuality as my Psych requirement.
The story was that one of the class assignments (homework) was to masturbate, and offer an oral presentation at the next class.
The real story was that the teacher for that class occasionally would end up with a student body where a lot of people had "never masturbated before."
In my class, everyone owned up to being experienced in self gratification so that particular assignment was never given out.
posted by porpoise at 3:52 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
The story was that one of the class assignments (homework) was to masturbate, and offer an oral presentation at the next class.
The real story was that the teacher for that class occasionally would end up with a student body where a lot of people had "never masturbated before."
In my class, everyone owned up to being experienced in self gratification so that particular assignment was never given out.
posted by porpoise at 3:52 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've always wondered if adults believed this shit, or if it was like some kind of sex ed Santa Claus for scaring teenagers with. (Lots of evidence seems to point to "adults believed it," but... jeez, guys, really? I have a hard time believing fairly modern people could have been that dense.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:21 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:21 PM on May 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Aye, that's the rub.
posted by h00py at 4:23 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by h00py at 4:23 PM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Just look at what it did to poor old Ernest Borgnine!
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:26 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:26 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Dr. Bekker believed that self-abuse would lead to ". . .the point of impotence, lack of libido . . ."
Wouldn't that make the process self-limiting long before the insanity and suicide?
posted by namret at 4:40 PM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
Wouldn't that make the process self-limiting long before the insanity and suicide?
posted by namret at 4:40 PM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
Kellogg of Battle Creek fame preached the evils of flogging the dolphin in his book Plain Facts for Young and Old. He suggested many sadistic and cruel means for curbing it, including old fashioned devices similar to the ones for sale on Amazom linked above. Corn Flakes are rumored to be a cure for the rampant sex drive that leads to self abuse. So are Graham's Crackers, a common snack food still found in schools. There appears to be a whole medical in quotes movement in the late 1800's for cereals as a cure for depravity. So I assume that at that time a lot of adults worried about the hazards claimed for such deeds. And the products sold to hinder it are still with us, though the advertising doesn't mention it.
posted by njohnson23 at 4:58 PM on May 22, 2018
posted by njohnson23 at 4:58 PM on May 22, 2018
Wehell I see them every night in tight blue jeans
In the pages of a Blue Boy magazine
Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up good vibration
Ooh she bop, she bop
Do I want to go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I want to go south and get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop or I'll go blind
Ooh she bop, she bop
--Cyndi Lauper
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:16 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
In the pages of a Blue Boy magazine
Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up good vibration
Ooh she bop, she bop
Do I want to go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I want to go south and get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop or I'll go blind
Ooh she bop, she bop
--Cyndi Lauper
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:16 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
And the products sold to hinder it are still with us, though the advertising doesn't mention it.
Probably because it didn't work.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:19 PM on May 22, 2018
Probably because it didn't work.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:19 PM on May 22, 2018
I always find it weird that super religious Christians are so staunchly anti-masturbation, ‘cause the thing about the religious angle is that there isn’t one.
The story of Onan cannot at all reasonably be interpreted as even being about masturbation, never mind against it. It’s plainly about the duty of any man to marry his dead brother’s widow and immediately surrender the inheritance to any children she might bear him. As one does. Onan, realizing at the literal last second that he’s the one getting screwed, is like, “Eff that noise,” and God’s all, “NO U,” and squishes him. The capital offense is very clearly the spite, not the spunk, with the latter merely being the form the former happened to take, simply because He in His wisdom felt His book needed a really good cumshot. (To me, it seems weird to put it in the first chapter, but I guess you gotta hook ‘em somehow.) Anyway, the law was different five thousand years ago, so the specifics aren’t really applicable today, but the broader lesson is simple: Don’t be greedy, don’t be stingy, share your shit, and honour family and tradition. It has nothing to do with masturbation at all, or contraception in general, or anything else. It cannot be overstated how unusually straightforward the passage is. Really. Go read it. It’s great. They totally do it!
As for the early-to-mid-19th-Century obsession with “the dangers of self-abuse,” yeah, that was a big thing. It’s worth noting that those were pretty much peak workhouse and orphanage and boarding school days, and child homelessness was absolutely rampant (lest we forget that the Artful Dodger’s sidekick was one Master Bates, who was always quite amused with himself). And who was running those workhouses and orphanages and boarding schools and selling those homeless children to midwestern farmers? Christian organizations, who attributed poor health to poor morality, and got their notions of poor morality from poor readings of the Bible. The main drain on vitality couldn’t possibly be lack of nutrition—oh heavens no!—nor morphine, nor overwork, nor typhoid, nor tuberculosis, nor constant abuse! Nor, indeed, could such effects be the result of perfectly normal human development. No, clearly, the only possible source of these troubles was jerkin’ it, because correlation is causation. At the same time, outside the child prisons, you suddenly have “medical experts” filing patents for all kinds of torture devices (and aforementioned bland diets) aimed specifically at honorable middle class Christian parents that purported to curb their son’s habit lest he become no better, physically or spiritually, than a wild street urchin, with circumcision eventually winning out as the predominant “cure,” particularly in the colonies. And, to come back around: The Bible is also really quite remarkably clear about who gets to have foreskin and who doesn’t, and it has nothing to do with masturbation!
posted by Sys Rq at 10:57 PM on May 22, 2018 [14 favorites]
The story of Onan cannot at all reasonably be interpreted as even being about masturbation, never mind against it. It’s plainly about the duty of any man to marry his dead brother’s widow and immediately surrender the inheritance to any children she might bear him. As one does. Onan, realizing at the literal last second that he’s the one getting screwed, is like, “Eff that noise,” and God’s all, “NO U,” and squishes him. The capital offense is very clearly the spite, not the spunk, with the latter merely being the form the former happened to take, simply because He in His wisdom felt His book needed a really good cumshot. (To me, it seems weird to put it in the first chapter, but I guess you gotta hook ‘em somehow.) Anyway, the law was different five thousand years ago, so the specifics aren’t really applicable today, but the broader lesson is simple: Don’t be greedy, don’t be stingy, share your shit, and honour family and tradition. It has nothing to do with masturbation at all, or contraception in general, or anything else. It cannot be overstated how unusually straightforward the passage is. Really. Go read it. It’s great. They totally do it!
As for the early-to-mid-19th-Century obsession with “the dangers of self-abuse,” yeah, that was a big thing. It’s worth noting that those were pretty much peak workhouse and orphanage and boarding school days, and child homelessness was absolutely rampant (lest we forget that the Artful Dodger’s sidekick was one Master Bates, who was always quite amused with himself). And who was running those workhouses and orphanages and boarding schools and selling those homeless children to midwestern farmers? Christian organizations, who attributed poor health to poor morality, and got their notions of poor morality from poor readings of the Bible. The main drain on vitality couldn’t possibly be lack of nutrition—oh heavens no!—nor morphine, nor overwork, nor typhoid, nor tuberculosis, nor constant abuse! Nor, indeed, could such effects be the result of perfectly normal human development. No, clearly, the only possible source of these troubles was jerkin’ it, because correlation is causation. At the same time, outside the child prisons, you suddenly have “medical experts” filing patents for all kinds of torture devices (and aforementioned bland diets) aimed specifically at honorable middle class Christian parents that purported to curb their son’s habit lest he become no better, physically or spiritually, than a wild street urchin, with circumcision eventually winning out as the predominant “cure,” particularly in the colonies. And, to come back around: The Bible is also really quite remarkably clear about who gets to have foreskin and who doesn’t, and it has nothing to do with masturbation!
posted by Sys Rq at 10:57 PM on May 22, 2018 [14 favorites]
And how else are we going to make s'mores?
You're killing me, Smalls.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:07 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
You're killing me, Smalls.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:07 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
cause the thing about the religious angle is that there isn’t one.
There is though? There are lots?
posted by windykites at 12:03 AM on May 23, 2018
There is though? There are lots?
posted by windykites at 12:03 AM on May 23, 2018
A friend in college told me about having just heard a Catholic priest inveigh against masturbation. The priest's angry take on it was that it was sinful because it was singularly selfish. That it would be better to fornicate and share the experience with another human (with the accompanying risk of pregnancy, naturally). We were largely hip to this notion, up to the parentheses, anyway, but being famous campuswide for our work on the student newspaper didn't do us any favors with the ladies.
posted by bryon at 12:24 AM on May 23, 2018
posted by bryon at 12:24 AM on May 23, 2018
Man, all those chastity device pics made me want to...
I'll be in my bunk.
posted by Samizdata at 3:39 AM on May 23, 2018
I'll be in my bunk.
posted by Samizdata at 3:39 AM on May 23, 2018
Back then if you went into a lunatic asylum - which was reserved for the extremely ill whose families could not take care of them at home - you would find it full of raving lunatics, many of whom had gotten violent and were thus chained up, many of whom had syphilitic insanity and any of whom might have been masturbating openly.
The profoundly developmentally delayed were there, along with the depressed and the people who suffered from emotional regulation disorders and people with neurological injuries. It was very stressful, loud and nothing to do, especially if you were chained up. And one thing that people do when they are in a situation of sensory deprivation is masturbate. And one thing that profoundly developmentally delayed people can often learn is masturbation. They had guided tours of lunatic asylums which were encouraged as it helped raise funds to feed the lunatics. So it wasn't just the staff and doctors who got to observe the lunatics trying to comfort themselves, it was nicely dressed people visiting in groups, or charitable people bringing baskets of food, or family members visiting. They didn't have privacy, they had large rooms where one attendant could keep an eye on numerous patients at once.
Correlation and causation being as easily muddled then as now, the theory came up that since the only people you would normally see masturbating openly were lunatics... and since people knew it was habit forming... and since previously un-diagnosed people could go lunatic either slowly or suddenly and if firmly questioned would normally admit yes, they had masturbated, and since the same severe, not to say brutal treatment, could make some of them not only stop, but put on a crumbly veneer of socially acceptable behaviour... well, it made sense.
Several of the symptoms in the pamphlet are of syphilis, which was contracted through sexual misbehaviour, and masturbation was sexual misbehaviour... It was a reasonable theory for the time, albeit one that was hard to test. Remember that women were then considered capable of going lunatic from studying, so masturbation is really not a stretch.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:11 AM on May 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
The profoundly developmentally delayed were there, along with the depressed and the people who suffered from emotional regulation disorders and people with neurological injuries. It was very stressful, loud and nothing to do, especially if you were chained up. And one thing that people do when they are in a situation of sensory deprivation is masturbate. And one thing that profoundly developmentally delayed people can often learn is masturbation. They had guided tours of lunatic asylums which were encouraged as it helped raise funds to feed the lunatics. So it wasn't just the staff and doctors who got to observe the lunatics trying to comfort themselves, it was nicely dressed people visiting in groups, or charitable people bringing baskets of food, or family members visiting. They didn't have privacy, they had large rooms where one attendant could keep an eye on numerous patients at once.
Correlation and causation being as easily muddled then as now, the theory came up that since the only people you would normally see masturbating openly were lunatics... and since people knew it was habit forming... and since previously un-diagnosed people could go lunatic either slowly or suddenly and if firmly questioned would normally admit yes, they had masturbated, and since the same severe, not to say brutal treatment, could make some of them not only stop, but put on a crumbly veneer of socially acceptable behaviour... well, it made sense.
Several of the symptoms in the pamphlet are of syphilis, which was contracted through sexual misbehaviour, and masturbation was sexual misbehaviour... It was a reasonable theory for the time, albeit one that was hard to test. Remember that women were then considered capable of going lunatic from studying, so masturbation is really not a stretch.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:11 AM on May 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
The reason cereals were promoted as a prevention or cure for masturbation is that they promoted regularity among the boarding house set who had to eat cold breakfasts and did not have the option of porridge. The other cures for constipation were laxatives, which could create explosive problems, or enemas. Enemas were very well regarded as they also cleaned, and clean was naturally thought good. However the problem with enemas is that you could easily get a sexual charge from them if you were inclined that way.... whereas not too many people got excited to anticipate their morning bowl of honey grahams in the kitchen, instead of disrobing and being ministered to at their weekly session at nice doctor Soothing's office.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:21 AM on May 23, 2018
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:21 AM on May 23, 2018
i dunno, a lot of aces don't play solitaire, not for any other reason than it doesn't interest them?
Yeah, if there's one thing conservatives are well known for, it's their complete disinterest in the topic of sex. It hardly ever comes up in their policy or personal stances!
posted by FatherDagon at 6:37 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yeah, if there's one thing conservatives are well known for, it's their complete disinterest in the topic of sex. It hardly ever comes up in their policy or personal stances!
posted by FatherDagon at 6:37 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another of Kellogg's bright ideas was promoting circumcision, the idea being recreational sex and masturbation would be less appealing without the foreskin's lubricating and protecting effects. I can say from personal experience that it doesn't work but Kellogg's legacy persists in America having a significantly higher circumcision rate than pretty much any other developed country. At least corn flakes taste good.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:38 AM on May 23, 2018
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:38 AM on May 23, 2018
The book Solitary Sex, dates the anti-masturbation movement to a patent medicine pamphlet of 1712. If I remember right, the cure involved magnets.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:21 AM on May 23, 2018
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:21 AM on May 23, 2018
Back then if you went into a lunatic asylum…you would find it full of raving lunatics,…many of whom had syphilitic insanity and any of whom might have been masturbating openly.
This has been a Public Service Announcement from Jane the Brown. Remember, it may seem like we're living in a Hell-world of rage and fear, but at least we can masturbate privately.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:40 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
This has been a Public Service Announcement from Jane the Brown. Remember, it may seem like we're living in a Hell-world of rage and fear, but at least we can masturbate privately.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:40 AM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
>but at least we can masturbate privately.
“Or not.“ - pornhub.com
posted by mosk at 12:03 PM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
“Or not.“ - pornhub.com
posted by mosk at 12:03 PM on May 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can't see any reference to masturbation in that pamphlet. Was a simple "Il s'est corrompu" transparent and idiomatic to the original readers or was this getting crap past the radar?
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:14 PM on May 23, 2018
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:14 PM on May 23, 2018
So were people still masturbating daily back then and spreading a lot of shame about it? Were people just having wet dreams periodically their whole lives? Were they fucking so often it wasn't an issue? I can't fathom not masturbating unless I had unlimited access to someone who was horny 24/7.
More than anything I want to know why there was so much stigma against such an obvious and common thing to do with yourself. Other animals do it too! Hell, just going a couple weeks with no masturbation and no sex seems like it'd become immediately apparent which was causing more "insanity." Hard to think well if you're preoccupied with horniness,. Can't think of any negative changes resulting from taking care of natural urges before they become a problem.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:17 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
More than anything I want to know why there was so much stigma against such an obvious and common thing to do with yourself. Other animals do it too! Hell, just going a couple weeks with no masturbation and no sex seems like it'd become immediately apparent which was causing more "insanity." Hard to think well if you're preoccupied with horniness,. Can't think of any negative changes resulting from taking care of natural urges before they become a problem.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:17 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
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...does not make you blind
It does not make your hair fall out
It does not make you vote Conservative...
I suspect that not masturbating may make one more conservative. They do seem grumpy all the time, after all.
posted by TedW at 12:48 PM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]