solo intimacy DIY
December 18, 2015 5:00 PM   Subscribe

I Was a Teenage Fruit Fucker (probably NSFW)
So with my options limited to my imagination, I had to Frankenstein my own creations. The first video I found after YouTubing "Homemade pocket pussy" (which I am very happy to say is still online) (NSFW language) described in just three short minutes how I could duct tape, heat up, and decore a banana into a tunnel of temporary love.

Buzzfeed - 18 More Ways to DIY a Fleshlight Than The World Ever Asked For

Comingle - "your source for DIY and open-source sex technology" (featuring the Dilduino platform)

Scarleteen - DIY Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition
We commonly have users asking about ways to acquire sex toys for masturbation. For many young people, finding a vibrator or other sex toy can be difficult, as not everywhere has a sex toy store near them (many cities have zoning laws that either forbid places that sell sex toys entirely or keep them on the outskirts of town). And, even if there is a sex toy store nearby, if you're under 18 it's likely that the law prohibits those places from selling their products to you in the first place.

There are some other factors that might make you uncomfortable with buying or having something explicitly marketed as a sex toy. If you're living at home with your parents or other guardians, you may not feel comfortable with the possibility that they'll see that you got a delivery from an online sex toy distributor. Or maybe you're even nervous about having to explain what, exactly, is in that nondescript package you just got. And, some people simply aren't comfortable with having something that is obviously a sex toy in their house where their parents (or sibling, or dog) might find it. So, what's a person who wants to explore vibrators and other toys to do?

Do-it-yourself sex toys have many potential benefits. They can be a way for you to experiment with vibration and other sensations if you don't have access to a sex toy store. D.I.Y is often cheaper than buying a toy made specifically for sexy purposes. And who doesn't love a two-for-one? For instance, one of the options we're going to discuss can actually serve double-duty as both a sex toy and a massager for relieving aches and pains in the rest of your body. And, if you happen to live in a space where some might find (or deliberately going snooping for) your sex toys, it can help to use things that are innocuous, everyday items.

Now, with that last comment, I don't mean to imply that masturbation is anything to be ashamed of. Quite the opposite. But some people do still view masturbation as wrong or harmful, and sometimes those people may be the ones you have to live with. Those views are often based in ignorance over how bodies work, or are spread by religious institutions that believe masturbation is sinful and thus want to discourage people from doing it...

All of these tips and tricks just go to show that with a little ingenuity and an eye for safety, you too can become a master of the art of D.I.Y sex toys. And that's a wonderful thing, because everyone deserves the chance to explore their body in as many ways as they see fit.
posted by flex (71 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite


 
Well, that's a wrap for this week's Best Post Contest. You could at least try to make it fair for the rest of us!
posted by naju at 5:08 PM on December 18, 2015 [30 favorites]


Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:11 PM on December 18, 2015 [17 favorites]


BA-NAN-NA!!!!
posted by eriko at 5:16 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Kids these days. Spoiled, I tell you! Toys?!? Why, in my day, you had nothing but Rosie Palm and her five sisters. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways. And not on my lawn!
posted by Thorzdad at 5:17 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


An acquaintance of mine spent a lot of time in prison. He once gave me a detailed description of the construction and use of the fifi. I am a very open person when it comes to sex. But I didn't need the TMI. Really didn't need it.
posted by Splunge at 5:30 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Without this post I never would have found the lump.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:38 PM on December 18, 2015


"At least buy it dinner first."

"It IS dinner."
posted by delfin at 5:40 PM on December 18, 2015 [26 favorites]


and not on my lawn

No, I'm pretty sure we all did it exclusively on your lawn back in the day, IIRC. But that was just my high school. I'm pretty sure Germantown went over to old Dr. Gates' place.
posted by cyclotronboy at 5:46 PM on December 18, 2015


MetaFilter: duct tape, heat up, and decore a banana into a tunnel of temporary love.
posted by Fizz at 5:51 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.

We prefer to use the term "artisanally."

The Scarleteen article is well written and funny. As they warn, not following their advice means that "you'll have to explain to the folks at the E.R why there is a cucumber where cucumbers are not usually found."
posted by Dip Flash at 5:55 PM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


What about the Fruit Fucker 2000?
posted by Confess, Fletch at 6:03 PM on December 18, 2015


Thanks for reminding me of this wonderful (if NSFW) story from the dusty archives of the Straight Dope Message Board.
posted by fings at 6:08 PM on December 18, 2015 [41 favorites]


Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.

Sure you do, Dude.
posted by maxsparber at 6:09 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


well great now I'm going to have hollaback girl stuck in my head all day thanks everyone.

... b-a-n-a-n-a-s.....
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:14 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


We got to the top of the food chain for a reason. I mean, why settle for a rough, callused hand when you could tape six Boston cream donuts together and plunge your dick into them like Jim the Pie Fucker.

why indeed
posted by Sebmojo at 6:18 PM on December 18, 2015 [9 favorites]


How do you make a Mefifi?

Carefully.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 6:18 PM on December 18, 2015


Somebody's been bungin my melons.
posted by resurrexit at 6:32 PM on December 18, 2015


do people not have hands anymore

is this what is happen
posted by poffin boffin at 6:37 PM on December 18, 2015 [13 favorites]


back in my day we had two

EACH
posted by poffin boffin at 6:37 PM on December 18, 2015 [13 favorites]


All I can think is, I would LOVE to see what this does to your score on a Purity Test.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:46 PM on December 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


"...but do they call me Johnny the Spelling Bee winner? No!"
posted by rhizome at 7:01 PM on December 18, 2015 [16 favorites]


This thread is nothing without Fishfucker.

(Or Alex Portnoy.)
posted by octobersurprise at 7:21 PM on December 18, 2015


Hole Foods
posted by zippy at 7:24 PM on December 18, 2015 [18 favorites]


I just got some early Xmas presents to myself: two modern sex toys. They are great. Especially the Jimmyjane Form 2, a weird little black blobject that charges via USB and has oh so many different vibration patterns. I also have one coming that's shaped like a big cartoon gem, which should be a lot of fun for sheer whimsy.

This post is making me really, really glad I'm a grown-up who can buy a toy like that instead of making some crazy contraption out of food.

Also holy crap the story fings pointed to is amazing. Read it.
posted by egypturnash at 7:29 PM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Hey, remember that thread about the presumed dildos that the wives of Nantucket whalers used to use? And I said I'd talk to some archeologists about it? Because I totally did and it's sort of tangentially related to this post, but not enough to make a MeTa post (or is it?).
posted by teponaztli at 7:31 PM on December 18, 2015 [17 favorites]


Do it! I want to hear. Read. Whatever.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:36 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I started writing it and I think I'll write a MeTa post instead, because it seems like it'll be too much of a derail to talk about another post altogether, even if it is sort of tangentially related.
posted by teponaztli at 7:42 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Back in my day we just used an old sock full of silly putty!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:51 PM on December 18, 2015


Thanks for reminding me of this wonderful (if NSFW) story from the dusty archives of the Straight Dope Message Board.
posted by fings

This is pretty much the only episode of myth busters I would ever be willing to watch.
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:05 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


That's a lot of Silly Putty.
posted by rhizome at 8:07 PM on December 18, 2015


This is pretty much the only episode of myth busters I would ever be willing to watch.

Spoiler alert: It got busted.
posted by Bringer Tom at 8:16 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


No David Cameron jokes?
posted by desjardins at 8:18 PM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


This thread reminds me of when I was a farmer and I ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when my wife was away. So I decided to test it on myself first.

I inserted my penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! I really had a good time as the equipment provided me with as much pleasure as my wife did. However, when the fun was over, I found that I could not take the instrument off. I read the manual but did not find any useful information.

I tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still I had no success getting out of it. Panicking, I just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.

Me: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."
posted by item at 8:27 PM on December 18, 2015 [51 favorites]


You just thought the putty was silly. It had goals too.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:29 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


and now, The Joke-The Musical!
posted by Earthtopus at 8:37 PM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


so many one-liners...and so few favourites.
posted by hal_c_on at 8:40 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


I thought it said "Fruit Trucker"

Boy was I in for a surprise
posted by not_on_display at 9:11 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Don't even get me started on this dog toy with a flared base.
posted by stet at 9:20 PM on December 18, 2015


Flogged as fantastic.
posted by Literaryhero at 9:22 PM on December 18, 2015


The fpp was pretty good too.
posted by Literaryhero at 9:28 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is maybe the right forum to admit that I once dreamed I got a blowjob from a pickle.
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:34 PM on December 18, 2015 [22 favorites]


"Our surgeons did what they could but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face"
posted by jpdoane at 9:35 PM on December 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Tell him about the Twinkie.
posted by echocollate at 9:46 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."

$1
posted by Sebmojo at 10:21 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


I once told my dad about my roomie's cat Mall Cop, who decided that a plush blanket was his new lover, and how disturbing I found it.

I could hear the inward sucking of breath on the phone. Then he said, "Sometimes, a man's got needs."
posted by spinifex23 at 10:48 PM on December 18, 2015 [8 favorites]


a lungful of dragon: "How do you make a Mefifi?

Carefully.
"

Typical. Overthinking a knotted glove...
posted by Samizdata at 10:55 PM on December 18, 2015


This thread is nothing without Fishfucker.

Novel tool use.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:19 PM on December 18, 2015


Hey, remember that thread about the presumed dildos that the wives of Nantucket whalers used to use?

I don't, but I estimate the Limerick count at > 6.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:29 PM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Two??? Saddening. I wonder what the thread with the highest limerick count is, then?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:31 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Bananna bread, sweat meats and a caulk gun!
posted by clavdivs at 11:37 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


item, do you happen to be acquainted with a certain dixiecrat senator from Georgia?
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 12:20 AM on December 19, 2015


Suttree had something to say about this.
posted by nofundy at 2:39 AM on December 19, 2015


Fruit brute!
posted by porn in the woods at 3:12 AM on December 19, 2015


Don't even get me started on this dog toy with a flared base.

The original link is broken, but I can still remember the "Dog toy or marital aid?" quiz that was making the rounds many years ago. (And, upon searching, it was also posted here as an FPP in 2004.)
posted by Dip Flash at 4:29 AM on December 19, 2015


You still cantaloupe with a banana.
posted by pracowity at 4:36 AM on December 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


Still using your hands?! I upgraded to digital years ago!
posted by chavenet at 4:54 AM on December 19, 2015


"Now, whenever I can, I make an effort to bring up this story at parties, at dinner gatherings, while people are eating the very food I used to fuck."

A) this could be a fun organizing principle for a menu for dinner party

B) this person is never ever ever invited to one of my dinner parties
posted by jfwlucy at 5:15 AM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do I dare to fuck a peach?
posted by uncleozzy at 8:43 AM on December 19, 2015 [11 favorites]


I grow old... I grow old. I shall fuck a glove inside a towel, rolled.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:29 AM on December 19, 2015 [11 favorites]


Yet another simple pleasure forever denied me because I can't stand the smell of banana.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:21 AM on December 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


Do I dare to fuck a peach?

I hear it's the pits.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:44 AM on December 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yet another simple pleasure forever denied me because I can't stand the smell of banana.

Count yourself lucky. You will be spared the ravages of Panama disease. This is the tragedy of Gros Michel, so aptly named, too soon gone.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:53 AM on December 19, 2015


Teponaztli, please do share! I've still not found anything dildo-like on the Thames foreshore. There was a pot handle today that was a possible contender, but, no, it was just a pot handle...
posted by Helga-woo at 2:07 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am allergic to bananas and I just got sad realizing my inanimate object fucking options are a little fewer then the rest of y'all's
posted by item at 6:50 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


When you've got a gallon of food-grade casting/moldmaking silicone, the world is your oyster and/or banana.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:19 PM on December 19, 2015


There's a fruit store on our street
It's run by a freak.
And he keeps good things to fuck
But you should hear him cluck
When you ask him anything, he never answers "no."
He just "yes"es you to death, and as he takes your dough
He tells you
"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today.
We've fleshlights and strap-ons
Butt plugs, and clap-ons,
And all sorts of fruit and say
We have an old fashioned dildo
A banded Armadillo
But yes, we have no bananas.
We have no bananas today.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:46 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


The author mentions at the end "the defensiveness and embarrassment my guy friends had when we talked about the topic." It really is a failure of how men approach their own sexuality that sex toys for men are seen as seedy, embarrassing, gross. Attitudes towards sex toys for women are noticeably different, and I'm sure that's from the work of feminists, although I've never seen a detailed account of how those attitudes actually shifted.

That's shifted a little in recent years I think, but in generally it strikes me as one of those areas where a non-shitty men's movement could actually do some good for men, along with normalizing male vulnerability and emotionality. Actually existing men's movements have no interest in these things of course, because they are against the goals of protecting the patriarchy.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 11:20 PM on December 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Bowl. Of. Fruit.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 6:28 PM on December 22, 2015


a non-shitty men's movement

In the current climate such a concept is unicorn-like.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:43 PM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


(So sorry to not share archaeologist insights yet! I got super busy - and anyway they're mostly what Miko said already)
posted by teponaztli at 5:21 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Jim Carroll: The Loss of American Innocence

Try the veal!
posted by homunculus at 6:06 PM on December 24, 2015


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