Are You There Whale? It’s Me, Ahab
June 24, 2018 6:30 PM   Subscribe

 
Are you there meaning? It’s me, man.
posted by blairsyprofane at 6:52 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]


are you there football? it's me, charlie brown
posted by pyramid termite at 7:00 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are you there, Question? It's Me, 42.
posted by Reverend John at 7:00 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


One of the suggestions got it backwards; should be Are You There Salesman? It's Me, Death.
Surprised how long it took for somebody to suggest Are You There Juliet? It's Me, Romeo.
A lot of Harry/Voldemort and Precious/Gollum match-ups. And Dave/HAL.

Are You There Sam? It's Us, Green Eggs and Ham.
Are You There KAAHHHHN? It's Me, Kirk.
Are You There City? It's Me, Other City.
Are You There Wardrobe? It's Us, the Lion and the Witch.
Are You There Charlotte? It's Me, Some Pig.
Are You There Cheese? It's Me, the Mover.
Are You There Man? It's Me, your Grey Flannel Suit.
Are You There Advise? It's Me, Consent.
Are You There Agony? It's Me, Ecstacy.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:03 PM on June 24 [7 favorites]


Are You There Moses? It’s Me, God.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:08 PM on June 24 [19 favorites]


Are You There Hat? It's Me, Cat

Are You There West? It's Me, The Evening Redness

Are You There Mountains? It's Me, Madness
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:09 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are you there, Thing? It's me, MacReady.
posted by imelcapitan at 7:09 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are you there Mod? It's MeFite.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 7:12 PM on June 24 [19 favorites]


Are you there, bred? It me, cow
posted by bleep at 7:15 PM on June 24 [41 favorites]


Are you there cow? Lick me, bred
posted by bleep at 7:17 PM on June 24 [5 favorites]


Are You There, Mount Doom? It's Me, the Ring

Are You There, Sarah Connor? It's Me, and I'll Be Back

Are You There, Gamora? It's Me, Dad

Are You There, Picard? It's Me, FiveFOUR Lights

Are You There, Madden? It's Me, BEEFTANK
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:20 PM on June 24 [10 favorites]


Are You There Rosemary? It's Me, Your Baby. (this is where it gets creepy)
Are You There Rich Man? It's Me, Poor Man.
Are You There Friends to Win? It's Us, People to Influence.
Are You There Toad? It's Me, Frog.
Are You There Harold? It's Me, Your Purple Crayon.
Are You There Alexander? It's Me, Your Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
Are You There Batman? It's Me, Robin.
Are You There Batman? It's Me, your new Robin. (etc.)
Are You There Ant-Man? It's Me, the Wasp. (finally)
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:23 PM on June 24


after a while it becomes clear that a great many people stopped reading books after high school - numerous repeats of Harry Potter, Hamlet, The Great Gatsby, Crime and Punishment, Lord Of The Rings.


Are You There, First 40 Years Of India's History? It's Me, Saleem.

Are You There, Slave-Owning Great Great Great Grandfather and Great Great Great Grandmother, his slave? It's Me, Dana.

Are You There, War? It's Me, Old Man.

While Recognizing That Addressing You Begs The Question I Am About To Ask, And While Also Being Really Totally Uncertain Of My Own Mixed Feelings About This Line Of Inquiry, I Intend To, By Way Of Simply Asking You, Even (And Especially If) You Are Not Actually There, What Is Your Ontic State, Lethally Addictive Video My Father Made Before Committing Suicide, It's Me, Hal.

Are You There, Ged? It's Me, Ged.

Are You There, Are You There, Beatrice? You Are! You Are! It's Me, Dante.

Are You There, Myself? It's You, Walt.
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:25 PM on June 24 [17 favorites]


Are You There Morty? It's Me, Rick.
Are You There Arthur? It's Me, Tick.
Are You There Stimpy? It's Me, Ren. (no, NOT Kylo)

and one literary classic I'm semi-shocked I haven't seen yet: Are You There Old Man? It's Me, the Sea.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:27 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are you there, Siddhartha? It's me, Siddhartha.
posted by shoesfullofdust at 7:30 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are You There Christ? It's Me, Your Last Temptation.
posted by ClingClang at 7:35 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are You There KAAHHHHN? It's Me, Kirk.

Followed by: Are you there Spock? It's Me, Kirk.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 7:36 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are You There, Affront To All That Is Decent? It's Me, John Waters
posted by delfin at 7:44 PM on June 24 [6 favorites]


Are You There, Country? It's Me, Coming Into You.
Are You There, Cherry? It's Me, Sexing You.
Are You There, Bananafish? It's Me, A Good Day For You.
Are You There, Stranger? It's Me, A Strange Land.
Are You There, Prejudice? It's Me, Pride.
Are You There, Sensibility? It's Me, Sense.
Are You There, 22? It's Me, Catch.
Are You There, Body? It's Me, Written On You.

posted by cgc373 at 7:44 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are You There, the Origin of Consciousness? It's Me, the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind.

Are You There, a Million Random Digits? It's Us, 100000 Normal Deviates.
posted by moonmilk at 7:45 PM on June 24 [8 favorites]


Are You There, Luigi? It's-a Me, Mario!
posted by moonmilk at 7:46 PM on June 24 [20 favorites]


Are you there, Tyler Durden? It’s me...oh.
posted by es_de_bah at 7:48 PM on June 24 [17 favorites]


...and I realize that Are You There Morty? It's Me, Rick. should've been immediately preceded by: Are You There Marty? It's Me, Doc.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:56 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are you there Beezus? It’s me, Ramona
Are you there Harriet? It’s me, spy
Are you there, Terribithia? It’s me, bridge
Are you there, Lion, Witch? It’s me, Wardrobe
posted by bleep at 7:57 PM on June 24


Are you there, alien? It's me, predator.
posted by Rinku at 7:57 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


I resisted going there, but here it is: Are You There, Deal? It's Me, Donald.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:59 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Are You There God Emperor of Dune, It's Me, Duncan Idaho.
posted by Fizz at 8:01 PM on June 24 [5 favorites]


I feel like Pride & Prejudice should really be "Are you there, eligible bachelors? It's us, the Bennet sisters."

And in other Jane Austen works, "Are you there, everyone!? It's me, Emma!!"
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:13 PM on June 24 [9 favorites]


Are you there, wife? It's me, man in possession of a good fortune.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:14 PM on June 24 [21 favorites]


Are you there, human decency? It's me, Joseph Merrick.
posted by Rinku at 8:18 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are You There Moses? It’s Me, God.

Volume 2: Are You There, Dad? It's me, Jesus.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:21 PM on June 24 [6 favorites]


Are you there, the best of times? It's me, the worst of times.
posted by a car full of lions at 8:27 PM on June 24 [9 favorites]


Are you there, chicken soup? It's me, the soul.
posted by sylvanshine at 8:32 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are you there, Reader? It’s me, Jane
posted by bleep at 8:32 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Are you there, monster? It's me, the end of this book.

Are you there, our bodies? It's me, ourselves.

Are you there make friends? It's me, influence people.

are you there riverrun? it's me a way a lone a last a loved a long the
posted by idiopath at 8:35 PM on June 24 [15 favorites]


Are you there, large ships? It’s me, a ship that aims to avoid you.
posted by midmarch snowman at 8:37 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are you in there, anybody? It's me, comfortably numb.
posted by Gorgik at 8:45 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


after a while it becomes clear that a great many people stopped reading books after high school

Are You There, Guilty Pleasure Reader? It's Me, the Ghost Of Your College English Professor, Always Looking Over Your Shoulder
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:46 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are you there, John Galt? It's me, rhetorical question.
posted by sylvanshine at 8:47 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are You There OK? It's Me, OK
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:50 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


From the tweeted replies:

Are you there? It's me, The Postman.
Are you there? It's me, The Postman.

posted by Ickster at 9:52 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are you there, Absalom? It's me, Absalom.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:06 PM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Are you there, closer? It's me, fuckin' coffee. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:17 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]




Yeah, you can't just split the title in two! You gotta summarize a main theme or plot point of the book!

Are you there, Alyona Ivanovna? It's me, Raskolnikov.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:30 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Are you there MetaFilter? It's me, Plate of Beans.
posted by mazola at 10:32 PM on June 24 [5 favorites]


Are you there Master? It's me, Margarita.
posted by boilermonster at 11:18 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Are You There Claudius? It Is I,
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:25 PM on June 24 [20 favorites]


Are You There Europe? It's Me, the Specter of Communism
Are You There Things Carried? It's We, Us
posted by Iridic at 11:28 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


You are there, Foundation. It's me, Hari Seldon.
You aren't there, Foundation. It's me, The Mule.
You will be there, Foundation. It's me, The Second Foundation.
posted by ckape at 11:29 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are you there Heathcliff? It's me, I'm Cathy 💃
Are you there Rosencrantz? It's me, Guilden... Statement!
posted by Poogle at 11:42 PM on June 24 [9 favorites]


Are you there Jon? It's me, Garfield.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:49 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Are you there, If on a winter's night a traveler? It’s me, the reader

Have you ever been there, Kublai Khan? It’s me, Marco
posted by oulipian at 11:57 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Are you there, there? It's me, Gertrude.
posted by pracowity at 12:24 AM on June 25 [4 favorites]


Are you there, vast and trunkless legs of stone? It's me, Ozymandias, King of Kings.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:00 AM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are You There Case? It's Me, Neuromancer
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:17 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are You There Our Bodies? It's Me, Ourselves
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:18 AM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are You There Poops? It's Me, Everyone
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:22 AM on June 25 [13 favorites]


Are You There Ancient Mariner? It's Me, Albatross
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:08 AM on June 25


Are you there, Myrna? It's me, Ignatius.
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 2:40 AM on June 25


My bandmates in one of my bands wouldn't go along with calling our second-most-recent albun "Are you there god? It's me, Deathsex Bloodbath". They insisted that the grammar make sense, which somehow makes it much less funny to me. It did indeed release in the end as "Are you there god? It's Deathsex Bloodbath" though.

Long story short, I firmly approve of this title format.
posted by Dysk at 2:43 AM on June 25 [5 favorites]


You aren't there God; it's me, Dawkins.
posted by chavenet at 3:05 AM on June 25 [13 favorites]


Are you there existence? It's me, René Descartes.
posted by Dysk at 3:07 AM on June 25


Are you there Huck? It’s me, Tom.
posted by valkane at 3:22 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there, at least have the courtesy to read what other people have already offered before posting your own bit of CLEVARNESS? It's me, Mr. Precaffeinated Crankypants.
posted by adamgreenfield at 3:37 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are You There Case? It's Me, Neuromancer


Are you there Neuromancer? It's me, Wintermute.
posted by pompomtom at 3:39 AM on June 25 [3 favorites]


These get better if you can shoehorn the plots together instead of just the titles. The title of this post suggests a story where Captain Ahab begins to menstruate, receives out-of-date advice about hygiene products, and agonizes about whether to join the YMCA or the Jewish Community Center.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 3:54 AM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are you there Buddha? It's me, truck driver. Honk honk. Move!
posted by ardgedee at 4:52 AM on June 25


Are you there, Androids? It's us, Electric Sheep.
posted by greenish at 5:44 AM on June 25 [3 favorites]


Are you there, Dog? it's me, the Whisperer
posted by Mchelly at 5:59 AM on June 25


Are you their, Corrections? It's there --Franzen.
posted by Morpeth at 6:01 AM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there, plums? It's me, I was saving you for breakfast.
posted by a car full of lions at 6:22 AM on June 25 [7 favorites]


Are you there, Sunday? It's me, Rachel Held Evans.
posted by lharmon at 6:26 AM on June 25


Are you there, meme? It me.
posted by dywypi at 6:48 AM on June 25 [10 favorites]


Are you there, Valjean? It's me, Javert.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 6:50 AM on June 25 [6 favorites]


Are you there Brideshead? It's me again.
posted by Cocodrillo at 7:34 AM on June 25 [15 favorites]


There are you, Luke? Yoda it is.
posted by panglos at 8:05 AM on June 25 [4 favorites]


Are you there, Tara? It's me, Scarlett.
posted by narancia at 8:08 AM on June 25


Are you there, Everest? Because it's me, Mallory.
posted by mbrubeck at 8:56 AM on June 25 [3 favorites]


Are you here now? It's me, Ram Dass
posted by moonmilk at 9:10 AM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are you there, Paul Auster? It's me, Paul Auster.
posted by emelenjr at 9:55 AM on June 25


Are you there, Month? It's me, The Mythical Man.

Are you there, Motorcycle, it's me, Mr. Zen. Art Zen, I work in Maintenance. You can call me Artie.

Are you there, Motorcycle, it's me, the Mouse
posted by sol at 9:55 AM on June 25


Are you there, Justice of Toren? It's me, Justice of Toren.
posted by ckape at 10:48 AM on June 25 [10 favorites]


Are you there, butt? It's me, Chuck Tingle.
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:56 AM on June 25 [7 favorites]


Are you ther... opod? It's me, arr grr.
posted by pracowity at 11:28 AM on June 25


Are you there, Foucault? It's me, Pendulum.
posted by dnash at 12:02 PM on June 25


Are you there, V'Ger? It's me, Spock.
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:26 PM on June 25


Are you there, Zampanò? It's me, Navidson.
posted by cortex at 12:36 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are you there, There? It's me, Being.
posted by cortex at 12:56 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you God, there? It's me, Zuul.
posted by mbrubeck at 1:55 PM on June 25


Are you there, Gatekeeper? It's me, Keymaster.
posted by Pronoiac at 2:42 PM on June 25


Are you there William Carlos Williams? It’s me, plums
posted by bleep at 2:51 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]


Are you there, vast and trunkless legs of stone? It's me, Ozymandias, King of Kings.

No no no it should be

Are You There Ye Mighty? It's Me, Ozymandias
posted by a car full of lions at 3:00 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]


Are You There, For The Love of God? It's Me, Fortunato
posted by a car full of lions at 3:01 PM on June 25 [2 favorites]


I am an avid reader of history. And history has taught me one thing:

Are you there coincidence? It's me, history.

Although a car full of lions got there first, dammit!
posted by SPrintF at 3:05 PM on June 25


Are you there, Good? It's me, the Bad and the Ugly.
posted by cortex at 3:05 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]


Are you there, Sephiroth? It's me, Cloud.
Are you there, Riku? It's me, Sora.
Are you there, 16 Colossi? It's me, Wander.
Are you there, Stolen Eggs? It's us, Angry Birds.
Are you there, Happiness? It's me, Cyanide.
Are you there, Gabe? It's me, Tycho, aaand I already lost your attention.
Are you there, romance, sarcasm, math, and language? It's me, XKCD.
Are you there, Alien Protomolecule? It's me, Holden.
Are you there, Rose? It's me, Steven, I mean you, I mean me, Steven?
Are you there, June? It's me, Offred.
Are you there, Hogarth? It's me, Jessica.
Are you there, Claire? It's us, injured heroes.
Are you there, Mr. Stark? It's me, Peter, I don't want to go. i'm so so sorry
Are you there, Tardis? It's me, The Doctor, I don't want to go.
posted by numaner at 3:23 PM on June 25


Are you there, Man? It's us, Arms.
Are you there, Kings? It's us, Cabbages.
Are you there, Body Electric? It's me, the Singer.
Are you there, Country? It's us, Old Men. Are you there? Hello?
Are you there, Fury? It's me, Sound.
Are you there, Spy? It's us, Tinker, Tailor and Soldier.
Are you there, Cuckoo's Nest? It's me, the one Flying Over.
Are you there, Pendulum? It's me, Pit.
Are you there, Steel? It's us, Guns and Germs.
(yes, it is easier to use only the titles, but who wants to think that much?)
(and numaner, there are so many Doctor Who variations you could do, but I'd prefer Are you there, Doctor? Not anymore, it's me, The Doctor. Brilliant!)
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:29 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]


...but in the spirit of the original example: Are you there, Red October? It's me, Jack Ryan.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:33 PM on June 25


Are they there, the rabbits? Are they there, George?

It's me, Lennie.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 3:51 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Dammit, pompomtom.
posted by lhauser at 4:23 PM on June 25


Random references to Doctor Who always remind me of this song: Are you there, Doctor Wu? It's me, Steely Dan.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:40 PM on June 25


Are you there, malarkey? It's me, effective way. (I challenge you all to do a better adaptation of this title!)
posted by moonmilk at 5:34 PM on June 25


Are you there, Major Tom? It's me, Ground Control.
posted by Apocryphon at 5:39 PM on June 25 [6 favorites]


Are you there Billy Pilgrim? It's me, time-warping PTSD.
posted by 256 at 6:00 PM on June 25 [3 favorites]


Are you there, mermaids? It's me, Prufrock.
posted by ferret branca at 6:52 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there, Godot?
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:53 PM on June 25 [12 favorites]


Are you there, Sherlock? It's me, Watson.

Are you there, Chell? It's me, GlaDOS.

Are you there, Yogi? It's me, BooBoo.
Are you there, Bullwinkle? It's me, Rocky.
Are you there, Sherman? It's me, Mr. Peabody.
Are you rere, Shaggy? It's re, Scoobydoobydoo!
Are you there, Brain? It's me, Pinky.
Are you there, Christopher Robin? It's me, Pooh.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:08 PM on June 25


Are you there Penelope? It's me, Odysseus.
Are you there Crash? It's me, Vaughan.
Are you there Fistandantilus? It's me Raistlin.
Are you there Aristotle? It's me, William of Baskerville.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:06 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there Thursday? It's me, a big old cup!
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:10 PM on June 25


Are you there Zakalwe? It's me, a chair!

(genuinely makes me as queasy as reading it for the first time did).
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:14 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there A Horse? It's me, A Boy!

(now I feel chirpier, ha!)
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:16 PM on June 25


Are you there, Virginia Woolf? It's me, the Afraid Person.
posted by cortex at 9:11 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Are you there, thesaurus? It's me, myself, I, I personally, me personally, the author, the speaker, the writer, yours truly.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:21 PM on June 25 [9 favorites]


Are you there, Father Earth? It's me, stiller of earthquakes.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 5:42 AM on June 26


Are you there, absence of a there there? It's me, Gertrude.
posted by cortex at 8:24 AM on June 26


Are You There Hannah? It's Us, Your Sisters.
posted by me3dia at 11:32 AM on June 26 [1 favorite]


Are you there, My Brother and My Brother? It's Me, Your Sweet Baby Brother And Thirty-Under-Thirty Media Luminary.
posted by cortex at 12:00 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]


Are you there, goddamned phonies? It's me, Holden.
posted by mathowie at 1:25 PM on June 26 [6 favorites]


after a while it becomes clear that a great many people stopped reading books after high school

Me, an intellectual:

Are you there, Chiron? It's me, Aaron, and your mother, who I have recently done.
posted by ambrosen at 1:29 PM on June 26


Are you there, Friends? It's me, Influencer.
posted by Deodatus at 6:27 PM on June 26


Are you there, VALIS? It's me, Phil.
posted by mubba at 6:37 PM on June 26


Are you there Third Reich? It's me, your rise and fall.
posted by jetsetsc at 7:06 PM on June 26 [1 favorite]


Are you okay Annie?

It's me, a smooth criminal.
posted by FJT at 9:26 AM on June 27 [3 favorites]


Are you there, editor? It's me, Neal Stephenson.
posted by automatronic at 3:13 AM on June 28 [1 favorite]


Are you there, they’re, or their? It’s me, It is I, It’s me, your editor.
posted by dywypi at 8:18 AM on June 28 [1 favorite]


Are you there, Superintendent? It's me, Aurora Borealis.
posted by cortex at 8:39 AM on June 28 [1 favorite]


Are you there, One Week? It's Ben.
posted by Pronoiac at 8:41 AM on June 28 [2 favorites]


and who can forget the stirring sequel, "Are you there, Ben? It's Awhile."
posted by cortex at 8:47 AM on June 28 [3 favorites]


thanks for reminding me of that vine again. thanks.
posted by numaner at 3:32 PM on June 28 [3 favorites]


numaner: you miiight also like Smooth from Neil Ciciriega.
posted by Pronoiac at 7:35 PM on June 28 [1 favorite]


look, we already went through that with the last mashup thread, i'm not going to subject my ears to it again.

* listens anyway *
posted by numaner at 10:41 AM on June 29 [1 favorite]


Are you there, editor? It's me, Neal Stephenson.

I enjoy fantasy, but let's not take the piss.
posted by pompomtom at 9:36 AM on July 1


Are you there, unceasing search for some small sense of concrete meaning and truth in a world full of noise and deception and heart-breaking false positives? It's me, Waldo.
posted by cortex at 10:12 AM on July 1 [4 favorites]


I heard that in Werner Herzog's voice, and, oh good, someone else has wondered what he'd sound like reading Where's Waldo.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:17 AM on July 2 [1 favorite]


Are you there Anaander Mianaai? It's me, Anaander Mianaai. (from twitter)
posted by lorimt at 2:52 PM on July 7 [3 favorites]


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