Det var en imponerande stöld
August 1, 2018 8:26 AM   Subscribe

 
Get me Inspector Clouseau on the phone!
posted by thelonius at 8:29 AM on August 1 [4 favorites]


VOORT DE FOORK?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 8:30 AM on August 1 [13 favorites]


This story gives the feeling that I'm living in some crazy heist movie, and I like it.
posted by orange swan at 8:33 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]


I loves me a good ol' jewel heist, when no-one gets hurt. And no-one got hurt. And they're royal jewels. And they'll come back at some point. So, I'm enjoying this.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:35 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]




"It is not possible to put an economic value on this"

Just give me a damn number!!!
posted by stinkfoot at 8:36 AM on August 1


I hope the heist was carried out by sharks disguised as babies.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:37 AM on August 1 [27 favorites]


Eventually all news will be about orbs.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 8:40 AM on August 1 [6 favorites]


Run the Jewels, indeed.

We the best
We will grab a crown from your chest, little wench
I am unmentionably fresh, I'm a mensch, get correct
I will walk into a church like a panther, screaming "Yes!
I am pink motherfuckers, I am death!"

posted by gwint at 8:41 AM on August 1 [6 favorites]


I was hoping it would involve chases in Venetian canals.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:43 AM on August 1


Checked a local Swedish newspaper and the Google Translated headline reads: "The sought after church jewels ran with invaluable jewels on ladybikes"
posted by gwint at 8:45 AM on August 1 [3 favorites]


Lake Mälaren? That’s not far from where the Loop was. Perhaps they got the jewels out of their case undetected using a hijacked service robot or a magnetrine-effect anti-gravity device?
posted by acb at 8:50 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]


I assume Notch will be seen wearing one of these next week.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:53 AM on August 1 [3 favorites]


In pretty sure they're sitting in a vault in one of Elon Musk's mansions, waiting to be melted down and used in a laser.
posted by happyroach at 9:16 AM on August 1 [2 favorites]


...waiting to be melted down and used in a laser.

Yeah, this is totally the kind of thing that a late 60s B-grade film would have as a plot --

"Few people know this, it is classified so I am risking death to tell you, but the central jewel fell from the sky after a prototype Saab Viggen collided with a UFO in 1963; it was placed in the crown because it is the most secure place in Sweden. All those who have touched it have disintegrated within seconds.

"And now it has been stolen by Doctor Anderseen, who will unlock its terrible power and use it to rule. the. world."

*cue Quincy Jones music*
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:36 AM on August 1 [9 favorites]




omg is this news the reason why flashback isn't working
posted by Foci for Analysis at 9:40 AM on August 1


so weird i cant read about this on any of the major swedish news sites
posted by Foci for Analysis at 9:42 AM on August 1


Yeah, this is totally the kind of thing that a late 60s B-grade film would have as a plot --

Or, you know, Diamonds Are Forever...
posted by Naberius at 9:52 AM on August 1


so weird i cant read about this on any of the major swedish news sites

It's in Aftonbladet?
posted by Chrysostom at 10:13 AM on August 1


In related news, James Bond writers said "never mind, we give up. We wanted to turn Bond into a more civilised hero, but the UK can't compete with other kingdoms, it seems. We are sure a 21st century civilised agent hero shall rise in Sweden to fight the supervillains of the new era."
posted by wwwwolf at 10:17 AM on August 1


Isn’t this documented in the Sandstorm music video?
posted by b1tr0t at 10:39 AM on August 1 [3 favorites]


I explained to my husband last night that if any ladies are involved in this heist I will be leaving him to marry them but tragically it sounds like it was two dudes. What a waste.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:08 AM on August 1 [5 favorites]


Or, you know, Diamonds Are Forever...

Huh, apparently the TV shows I watch haven't made enough callbacks to the plot of Diamonds are Forever for me to have understood that reference. I only vaguely recognize that as a Bond title; my first reaction was that it was a Marilyn Monroe/Jane Russell road movie and wondered why I didn't remember the space laser thread.
posted by AzraelBrown at 11:13 AM on August 1 [2 favorites]


Is it a PR stunt for the new Ocean's whatever movie?
posted by Snowishberlin at 12:01 PM on August 1


Huh, Sweden still uses a king.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:29 PM on August 1


Not as a laser, surely.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:40 PM on August 1 [5 favorites]


Capt. Renault: And they'll come back at some point. So, I'm enjoying this.

Unlikely, if they were professionals. They likely have already been disassembled and melted down. I don't quite see why everyone finds theft and destruction of history and craft quite so funny and cute.
posted by tavella at 12:57 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]


*cue Quincy Jones music*

Here ya go ...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:06 PM on August 1


From the article:
“What usually happens with this type of object is that they are recovered sooner or later, because there are very few people who are prepared to handle such items,” Agnevik was quoted as saying by Swedish media on Tuesday.
I mean, if you're making a run at literal crown jewels, I imagine you must have already lined up a buyer/fence? It's not like these guys just stumbled onto them in a rucksack in the woods. This required planning.
posted by mhum at 1:09 PM on August 1


Not quite the crown jewels, more like funeral crowns, per the royal order of sartorial splendor

The funeral crowns of Karl IV and his wife Queen Kristina date from 1611 and were originally buried with the couple, before being exhumed for display. Those two crowns and an orb were on display at Strängnäs Cathedral when they were stolen from their glass case while the church was open to the public. The thieves are thought to have fled on motorboat.
posted by infini at 1:26 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]


First sharks, now this. This is definitely an evil villain plot. (Also, who gives a shit if some aristocracy lost some hats with rocks on them?)
posted by runcibleshaw at 1:27 PM on August 1


Everything is funny, as long as it is happening to someone else.

Will Rogers?
posted by Pembquist at 2:03 PM on August 1


Just to put the robbery in context, this isn't the first time cultural artifacts have been stolen in the vicinity of Stockholm, with the thieves making off by motorboat on Lake Mälaren. In 2000 two Renoirs and a Rembrandt were stolen from the Nationalmuseum. One would think there'd be a previously, but my Google-fu isn't finding it.
posted by St. Oops at 2:32 PM on August 1


Mel Brooks said, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Maybe that's what you're thinking of?
posted by Chrysostom at 2:34 PM on August 1


They won't be able to resist taking photos of wearing the crown, and then they get uploaded to a backup server where detectives use AI to find it.
posted by Brian B. at 3:42 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]


Unlikely, if they were professionals. They likely have already been disassembled and melted down. I don't quite see why everyone finds theft and destruction of history and craft quite so funny and cute.

I mean, crown jewels. This is highly recognizable bling, but a large part of the value is the cultural significance. Melting them down and chopping up the gems would take so much off the value that it would I can't imagine it would be worth the risk of the heist/property destruction. I guess it could disappear into some Russian mobster's trophy cabinet. But if so, it'll be in one piece. Why else would you bother?

(Worth remembering that the dude who stole Mona Lisa never really seemed to have a plan for it. Maybe in a few years, they'll recover the jewels in a Norwegian cabin.)
posted by grandiloquiet at 7:07 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]


They aren't going to care what the 'cultural value' of it is, they are going to care what the value they can extract from it is. Now, it's possible they are just gold plated silver or something, given they were just made to be buried, but assuming they are actual gold (and the 17th century was the height of the Swedish empire, so they had some spare cash), a pound of gold is $20k right now, and there could easily be several pounds between the three objects. If you don't think there are people who would happily destroy artworks for the sake of 50k+, then you haven't observed modern capitalism.
posted by tavella at 10:36 PM on August 1


if any experts on Swedish history are reading this, and have a moment, please memail me. I'm researching King Charles IX (aka Duke Charles of Sudermannland) as we speak.

Fun fact: until Charles won the battle of Stangebro in 1592, Sweden was part of Poland.
posted by msalt at 11:04 PM on August 1


Huh, Sweden still uses a king.

Practice safe government. Use a kingdom.
posted by DreamerFi at 6:15 AM on August 2 [2 favorites]


They aren't going to care what the 'cultural value' of it is, they are going to care what the value they can extract from it is. Now, it's possible they are just gold plated silver or something, given they were just made to be buried, but assuming they are actual gold (and the 17th century was the height of the Swedish empire, so they had some spare cash), a pound of gold is $20k right now, and there could easily be several pounds between the three objects. If you don't think there are people who would happily destroy artworks for the sake of 50k+, then you haven't observed modern capitalism.

There are ways to make money that are less likely to get the attention of every cop in the country, every potential observer in the vicinity of the crime, and top priority at Interpol. No one is gonna "accidentally" slice up a crown, so they're working with other criminals. What happens when one of those criminals gets in legal trouble? If you make a million dollars off something that should be worth over $100M, you've signed up for a lifetime of looking over your shoulder for not much reward. Why not smash and grab a jewelry shop? You'd end up with a similar payday, and your pursuers wouldn't have nearly as much interest in following you across borders.

It's certainly possible that they've been destroyed or damaged in the heist, and that would be a shame. But I wouldn't write them off yet!
posted by grandiloquiet at 7:30 AM on August 2 [1 favorite]


msalt: "Fun fact: until Charles won the battle of Stangebro in 1592, Sweden was part of Poland."

Eh, wasn't it more that Sigismund III Vasa was separately king of Poland and Sweden? They were governed as separate polities.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:03 AM on August 2


>Eh, wasn't it more that Sigismund III Vasa was separately king of Poland and Sweden? They were governed as separate polities.

Yes, excellent point. Sigismund's control of Poland came through his mother Catherine Jagiellonica. Just to complicate things: Lithuania was part of Poland, and Finland was part of Sweden at the time.

What I'm particularly interested in, you won't be surprised to hear, is an epic, 58-line "Melos Retrogradum" (or palindromdromic poem) castigating Duke Charles (our future funeral-crown-robbery-victim King Charles IX). And any details about Sigismund's diplomat Samuel Łaski that anyone might know. Thanks!
posted by msalt at 2:47 PM on August 3


Sigismund III Vasa. Accidentally crowned in two different polities, Sigismund is now TWO KINGS. Can a monarch share a throne - with himself??

Poland threatens war with Sweden. Who will blink first - Sigismund III Vasa, stalwart King of Sweden, or the mighty Polish King, Sigismund III Vasa? Find out next week - on TWO KINGS.

Coming up on TWO KINGS - hijinks ensue when, due to diplomatic miscommunications, the lovely Princess of Austria is promised in marriage both to Poland and to Sweden - and both ceremonies have been scheduled on the same weekend. How will Sigismund III Vasa get through this one?


I totally stole this from TWO COPS
posted by moonmilk at 3:29 PM on August 3 [3 favorites]


Now do a Sigismund-themed version of My Two Dads.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:40 PM on August 3


Poor Min! Thought those jewels were for her. (No one will get this reference.)

I hope they find the jewels, or at least make a movie out of this.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 4:16 AM on August 4


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