Does not include Bergerac solving murders on Jersey

March 1, 2019 9:37 AM

Based on questionable maths, Vulture list where you are most likely to be murdered in rural TV Britain. "We went with the bare basics of math for this: The smaller the village or county, the higher the chance is of being murdered. Read along, and maybe don’t plan on moving to Cambridgeshire anytime soon." But how realistic is this? The BBC investigates (previously), though looking internationally, don't buy a house in Cabot Cove (or Abbot Cove, whatever). (Post title: Charlie Hungerford did it)
posted by Wordshore (21 comments total)

If a certain Miss Marple resides in your neighborhood, move...
posted by jim in austin at 9:42 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Midsomer. Estimated population: 905,000.

What! I always think of Midsomer, at best, with a population of 50 to 90K. Which makes the sheer volume of deaths disturbing. I guess Midsomer is a county but still nearly a million is way too high.
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:51 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Midsomer. Estimated population: 905,000.

Yeah, I thought that was off.. but, surprisingly - well to me at least. having only watched a handful of episodes - it's not just a couple of villages but a whole county; basically = Berkshire (population = 905,800). And there's a lot of villages.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:03 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I always knew Hot Fuzz was real.
posted by w0mbat at 10:04 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Hey, I lived in Grantchester and survived! That was some 50 years later, so maybe the village got safer.

These days, the biggest threat in Cambridgeshire is lightning, as a person is the tallest object standing out flat, flat fens.
posted by jb at 10:10 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I feel that the metrics are a little off. It's not the quantity of murders that counts, surely, but the quality. Of which, some in Midsomer are particularly good, and the one where the victim was murdered with a large wheel of cheese is particularly noteworthy, and perhaps aspirational? Hashtag eat the evidence.
posted by Wordshore at 10:16 AM on March 1, 2019 [10 favorites]

I assume that the reason Lewis finally ended was there were no more people in Oxford to murder.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:22 AM on March 1, 2019 [12 favorites]

It's not just the risk of getting murdered in Midsomer, it's the risk of socially inappropriate inter-generational relationships leading to a guillotine accident. Or beheading (by a Norman sword) during a carnival ride. Or accidental immolation inside a wicker man. And somehow the church roof needing repair frequently leads to a string of grisly murders.

I couldn't take the stress of the place. Poor old DCI Barnaby has the PTSD real hard.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:36 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

the biggest threat in Cambridgeshire is lightning

No, it has to be Sidney Chambers's combination of good looks and complete inability to do anything but dither romantically.
posted by praemunire at 10:37 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

DCI Banks takes place in EastVALE, not EastVILLE. Good grief. Can they at least get the town names right, in an article about the towns??
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:41 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Things I Have Yelled At My Television Which Cannot Hear Me While Watching Grantchester
posted by praemunire at 10:49 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

Betweenthebars: I've sometimes thought of a British comedy mashup of Midsomer Murders, the anime Higarashi, Brooklyn 99, and Hot Fuzz. The show starts off in the vein of a serious-ish Inspector Morse/ Midsomer Murders series, but the scale of violence steadily inflates and escalates, becoming more cartoonish with each successive episode, until the Series end concludes with the lone surviving doddering detective stumbling out of the ruins of a burning village, all the inhabitants of the county now dead...
posted by LeRoienJaune at 11:08 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

My mom, my sister, and I once had a twenty minute conversation about our shared love of the British mystery show with the priest who was a world war veteran who solves crime alongside a grumpy detective and a female sidekick, except they were talking about Grantchester and I was talking about Father Brown. At one point my sister said the priest was ridiculously good looking, and I said, "Huh, I guess he is good looking for his age." It was only when they said they were surprised by the "will they or won't they" resolution, and I said "Wait, you mean Mrs McCarthy?!?" that we figured out there were two separate shows.
posted by BeeDo at 11:39 AM on March 1, 2019 [15 favorites]

"It is my belief, Watson, founded upon my experience, that the lowest and vilest alleys in London do not present a more dreadful record of sin than does the smiling and beautiful countryside."
posted by betweenthebars at 11:59 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

I'm disappointed that the island of Saint Marie doesn't feature, given its absurdly high murder rate (of which approximately 73% appear to be expat Tory donors).
posted by sektah at 12:32 PM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

Also Shetland in Scotland; they're dropping like flies up there.
posted by kitten magic at 12:35 PM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

LeRoienJaune: I would watch the HELL out of that.

I always used to think that murders in Midsomer was a cunning plot by the local funeral directors to drum up business, until the episode where a couple of them were offed as well. My current theory is that they're actually orchestrated by the real estate agents in order to guarantee a constant turnover of listings. Why yes, there is a lovely cottage available in town - the owners recently "moved away"...
posted by ninazer0 at 3:26 PM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

"We went with the bare basics of math for this: The smaller the village or county, the higher the chance is of being murdered."

I've always said, show me a person who doesn't believe there's evil in small towns and I'll show you somebody who didn't grow up in one. The League of Gentlemen feels more authentic to me than something like The Andy Griffith Show.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:29 PM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I always thought Aunt Bea would snap someday and take out half the town with a cast iron pan.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:08 PM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I fear we are rapidly reaching the BBCingularity: the point at which the number of people murdered on British TV exceeds the actual population of England.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 8:19 PM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Why You Should Never, Ever Go To New York City’s Hudson University
posted by Sweetie Darling at 7:43 AM on March 2, 2019 [3 favorites]