Saruman the White 2020
August 17, 2019 9:28 AM   Subscribe

"If the Free People are going to defeat Sauron, you need to let go of your elitist attitudes and choose someone who can appeal to the moderate orc vote. That’s why I support Saruman the White to lead the Council of the Wise."
posted by Eyebrows McGee (44 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't know; I think we need about 40 different on-location stories in local orc diners where the interviewers find out for us what the swing orcs are really thinking.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 9:36 AM on August 17, 2019 [37 favorites]


Saruman’s election slogan is “We must join with him.” In the event that no party has an overall majority, he is open to entering into a coalition government with Barad-Dur, so that the White Council can counterbalance and moderate the most extreme policies of the Eye. “It would be wise.”
posted by cyanistes at 9:49 AM on August 17, 2019 [4 favorites]


Gandalf’s plan makes no provision for relocating and retraining thousands of Sauron’s minions.

True and damning. In fact, the Gandalf/Aragorn plan ultimately calls for genocide against the civilian population of Mordor.

The free peoples have limited electoral options. Strong and Stable government under Denethor?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:58 AM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


Sméagol 2020 would be a dark horse eco-candidate: "Let's Save What's Precious"
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:28 AM on August 17, 2019 [21 favorites]


Don't blame me, I voted for Shelob.
posted by sfenders at 10:39 AM on August 17, 2019 [14 favorites]


Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king. I'm an anarcho-boromist
posted by Reyturner at 10:44 AM on August 17, 2019 [23 favorites]


I just don't see the appeal of Sméagol/Gollum 2020. I never see them together, so either they can't stand each other or they're jumping the gun on the whole 'designated survivor' thing - it's not even the primaries yet! Mostly though, I want the government to keep its hands out of my pocketses, not constantly be wondering what I've got in them.

No, this time around I vote for no man.
posted by sysinfo at 10:47 AM on August 17, 2019 [23 favorites]


‘The swing orcs’ is my new band.
posted by Segundus at 10:54 AM on August 17, 2019 [8 favorites]


Éowyn has a plan for that am I doing this right
posted by Think_Long at 11:19 AM on August 17, 2019 [34 favorites]


The problems inherent in first-past-the-Barad-dûr voting need to be addressed first.
posted by zaixfeep at 11:22 AM on August 17, 2019 [4 favorites]


Is Radagast the Brown too old?
posted by kingless at 11:26 AM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


Radagast has remained silent on the matter of the Ring, which is the single most pressing issue facing Middle Earth today. This makes him far too divisive a person to unite Men and Orcs.
posted by swr at 12:07 PM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


Bah! None of these candidates can rein in the deep state of Moria. That's why I'm a Balrog or buster.
posted by phooky at 12:11 PM on August 17, 2019 [6 favorites]


I'll vote for any candidate whose title isn't "the White" thank you.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:12 PM on August 17, 2019 [10 favorites]


Is Radagast the Brown too old?

All the Maiar are over 70, why can't we get some new blood in here?
posted by wildblueyonder at 12:26 PM on August 17, 2019 [5 favorites]


The Prince of Dol Amroth, descended from Numenoreans, is the only candidate to center his campaign on the issue of continental sinking (he's against it.) While nobody expects him to win, he needs only 3,000 more individual donors to qualify for the next debate. If you agree that this important issue needs to be part of the discussion please give!
posted by Nerd of the North at 12:37 PM on August 17, 2019 [12 favorites]


> "Éowyn has a plan for that am I doing this right"

Éowyn/Meriadoc would receive both my vote and my fanfic.
posted by kyrademon at 12:56 PM on August 17, 2019 [7 favorites]


No love for Faramir?
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 12:59 PM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


> "No love for Faramir?"

Pretty much the story of his entire childhood, honestly.
posted by kyrademon at 1:02 PM on August 17, 2019 [53 favorites]


Draft Bombadil 2020
posted by WCityMike at 1:38 PM on August 17, 2019 [8 favorites]


> I'll vote for any candidate whose title isn't "the White" thank you.

Maybe you missed the new Saruman of Many Colours rebrand -- he's relaunched his campaign, in conjunction with a new Palantir-assisted voter tracking effort.
posted by threementholsandafuneral at 2:01 PM on August 17, 2019 [20 favorites]


“The Witch King of Angmar says no man can beat him in the Rohan caucuses. Eowyn is no man.”

“I’m Eowyn and I approved this message.”
posted by ejs at 3:12 PM on August 17, 2019 [16 favorites]


Galadriel 2020

ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR
posted by kyrademon at 3:34 PM on August 17, 2019 [21 favorites]


Some say she's been the brains behind her husband Celeborn's political career for decades.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:07 PM on August 17, 2019 [5 favorites]


Gandalf calls Tom Bombadil the eldest being in existence; his Sindarin name Iarwain Ben-adar means "Eldest and Fatherless". Dwarves called him Forn. Men call him Orald, or sometimes colloquially, Bernie.
posted by forforf at 4:21 PM on August 17, 2019 [23 favorites]


I think Éowyn/Merriadoc would have some issues once Merry’s troubling dependence on Long Bottom Leaf came to light.

Bombadil is a little too folksy to win the Rideover country, and the average orc wouldn’t care for his whimsy.

Truly, what’s needed in these dark times is a leader familiar with, nay, born of darkness. When times are cruel, why not embrace the cruelty! Especially paired with a surprise defection, the true dark horse Numenorean!

Balrog/Mouth of Sauron 2020, in your heart, you know you’ve lost already!
posted by Ghidorah at 4:27 PM on August 17, 2019 [4 favorites]


As leader of the Free Peoples, The Balrog would make infrastructure improvement a key priority. Too many decaying bridges in Middle Earth!
posted by Ghidorah at 4:29 PM on August 17, 2019 [4 favorites]


For too long all speaking creatures have labored under the tyranny of the distant and cruel Valinor regime! We must remove the cowardly, stupid and, above all, incompetent Valar from power!
Melkor 2020! Like Eru, but actually interested in you all the time!
posted by thatwhichfalls at 4:38 PM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


This thread is hilarious although honestly I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. But thank you all for your service.

*Raises lamp* A Elbereth! Gilthoniel! etc
posted by Coaticass at 4:49 PM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


why vote for the lesser of two evils?

Melkor 2020!
posted by automatronic at 6:15 PM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


thanks to sysinfo for giving me a new title for the 5th tune of my current album, jazz noises from middle earth - smeagol gollum 2020

(funny how i've been screwing around with LOTR and this comes up)
posted by pyramid termite at 6:37 PM on August 17, 2019


Meanwhile in another universe, Skeksist draws ever closer. With the ousting of the Emperor skekMay, can the Chamberlain skekBor prevail?
posted by dannyboybell at 6:44 PM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


Men call him Orald, or sometimes colloquially, Bernie.

Ugh, so sick of Tom Bom Jolly Tom Tom Bombadilliebros.
posted by No-sword at 7:04 PM on August 17, 2019 [16 favorites]


I think mocking the media for working for the Swing Orc vote is a worthwhile strategy.
posted by Windopaene at 9:51 PM on August 17, 2019


FacePalantir

Too real.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 10:42 PM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


Draft Bombadil 2020

Look, I really like Tom but he’s all of the years old.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:27 AM on August 18, 2019 [3 favorites]


I don't know if you guys heard but it's been confirmed that Bilbo Baggins really was the "Deep Foot" who helped bring down Smaug. Personally I thought it was Bofur, it just seemed too obvious to really be Bilbo.

I rewatched All the Lord of Dale's Lake-men recently. It stands up pretty well, though it's sad to think how Bard became such a fucking Necromancer stan later on.
posted by fleacircus at 2:41 AM on August 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


Yuri had been working at the Russian troll farm for years and exhaustion was setting in. Day in, day out, filling the forums with lies, crafting the memes, using silly western pop culture references to demoralize and divide the American leftists.

He was getting desperate, when inspiration struck. The American election as The Lord of the Rings, with Joe Biden as the sinister Saruman! It was hilariously stupid, and it would get the fools arguing for weeks.

But then Yuri did a quick Googling for reference and he was astonished to find that the article he was about to write already existed online. He almost wondered if he'd written it, posted it and somehow forgotten it. But no, it seemed the Americans had beaten him to it.

Yuri went home early that day, with a smile on his face.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:19 AM on August 18, 2019 [2 favorites]


it would get the fools arguing for weeks

Or at least until the sun comes up tomorrow.
posted by spacewrench at 7:01 AM on August 18, 2019


It was hilariously stupid

I mean, it is from McSweeny's so that's kind of their brand.
posted by Justinian at 7:21 AM on August 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


So I guess I'm gonna have to read these dumb hobbit books, huh
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:29 AM on August 18, 2019


ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR

already used last election
posted by entropicamericana at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2019 [3 favorites]


FacePalantir

... aaand now there's coffee all over my screen.
posted by panglos at 10:08 AM on August 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


I rewatched All the Lord of Dale's Lake-men recently. It stands up pretty well, though it's sad to think how Bard became such a fucking Necromancer stan later on.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and the fire of Dale got out of hand.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:57 AM on August 18, 2019


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