All the world’s a stage, especially when you have no job prospects
August 22, 2019 9:12 AM   Subscribe

 
Former theater person here, and....uh, yeah, this isn't news.

Neither this:
The actress playing Olivia in Twelfth Night, a character famed for beauty, once performed with a tampon in her bloodied nose in Memphis because three hours before she fell face-first into the orchestra pit. In rural Maryland, a PA speaker fell on my foot; the hospital gave me codeine for the pain, which it turned out I was allergic to, and I had to return the next day, plague-ridden with white pimples all over my arms and chest, to make sure I wasn’t dying. (I performed that night, of course.) Recurring bouts of the flu required us to have a trash can waiting in the wings, so that people could run off stage and vomit mid-scene. A foot was broken while streaking backstage (why were we so obsessed with streaking? why not?) and the actress had to perform for a few weeks in a wheelchair.
Nor this:
But on the rare day when some aberrant teen would come up to us after the show and say they liked it when one of the clowns in Twelfth Night fell down the stairs, or enjoyed the language of the scenes between Sebastian and Olivia, that carried us to the next town. It was a creative practice that depended upon a small group of people you grew to love, ignore for days at a time, hook up with, make fun of behind their back and to their face, who all knew that this was a big joke. It was a low-rent, inglorious job, but you were there for your scene partner because that’s what makes a good actor, donating your emotion to your castmates and everyone who built the tradition of theater, of touring troupes of actors bringing Shakespeare’s comedies and dramas to small towns whose arts community lay in want.
Theater, as a job, is perfectly ridiculous, pays practically nothing, and on paper contributes little. But, oh, there are moments -
* A teenager from a school group who was watching the final scene of our adaptation of Young Goodman Brown and after one of the cast delivered his This Is Why You Suck speech muttered to a friend of hers, "Damn, that's gangsta."
* The woman in the audience who was listening to the band in our folk musical singing the bawdy song "My Thing Is My Own" - which crams a seemingly endless number of double entendres into its lyrics - and at each new joke, would laugh uproariously.
* The man who walked into the house during another intermission for that same folk musical to find the band were singing to entertain the crowd, and burst into a full-on solo dance just for the heck of it.
* The gasp that rippled through the crowd one night during a production of Hamlet when Gertrude sipped from the poisoned chalice.
* The night two different school groups of fifth graders came to a production of Stomp and the entire room rang with their laughter, and they all collectively attacked each cast member as they walked out afterward begging for autographs.
* In the show that had some Mandarin-language lines, in a scene when one of the American characters thoroughly botched a simple phrase, every time we had Mandarin speakers in the audience they would start laughing as soon as he spoke - before the rest of the audience learned what was so funny.
I'm going to stop there lest I start singing "What I Did For Love". But both these bits are part of the package. I am bitter about the fact that society does not value theater enough for me to have sustained doing it for a living....but I still cherish having been able to take part in each and every one of those moments above, and many more.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:33 AM on August 22, 2019 [57 favorites]


From South Dakota to Georgia, we drove a 16-passenger van, a small car, and a large box truck filled with a few thousand pounds of lights, sets, and costumes. Load-in took three hours, sometimes for shows that started at 8 a.m. in the middle of winter in Pennsylvania. These performances were done for high school kids who would rather be doing anything else in Eerie, Ohio, and whatever townspeople came out to a rickety church in Virginia. We performed once in a monastery, once at a military academy, once in a spectacular theater in Memphis, once in a small cafe on at a community college, where we were often interrupted by the espresso machine.

The writing in "Theatre People" from the Baroness von Sketch Show suggests intimate knowledge of this experience (n.b., they're touring "Titus Andronicus for Kids").
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:00 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


We performed once in a monastery, once at a military academy, once in a spectacular theater in Memphis, once in a small cafe on at a community college, where we were often interrupted by the espresso machine.

An actor friend - someone I kept in touch with from the old days who's been hanging in, bless him - does a lot of work with the New York Classical Theater, a company that manages to somehow do free theater throughout city parks in the summer. They always draw a huge crowd (because; Hey, free theater), but crowd control can be...a problem.

I've told the story of the night he was in a production of Romeo and Juliet and was playing the apothecary in the scene where he was proposing the sleeping draught for Juliet; they were in Brooklyn Bridge Park, and one night when he was doing that scene, a party boat went by blasting Bel Biv DeVoe's song "Poison".

But it happens to the best of us - I read once that during a production of Shakespeare in Central Park that Denzel Washington was in, he had come down to the front of the stage to deliver his opening monologue - and suddenly a mama raccoon jumped up on stage, her three little babies trailing behind her, and trotted across the stage right in front of him before disappearing into the wings. The audience completely lost it, and Denzel had to also turn upstage for a few moments to get it together before he could go on.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:08 AM on August 22, 2019 [14 favorites]


Denzel had to also turn upstage for a few moments to get it together before he could go on.

Here in Louisville, one of the standard approaches to the airport goes right over Central Park. We have Shakespeare in the Park all summer, and if there's any dialogue going on when a plane screams over at 600 feet (which happens, on average, about 4 times per show), everyone has to stop what they're doing for 10 seconds or so.
posted by jackbishop at 10:18 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


I served nine months on a children's theatre tour of South Dakota. I'm vegetarian and we stayed with so many ranchers that snuck meat into my food. Midwestern dads don't like it if you teach them how to wrap cables properly. It was a weird weird existence, but we cast upwards of fifty kids a week in a show with a horrible script and then indoctrinated them into our strange and disciplined ways. I still remember the dudes that came from Missoula when I was in sixth grade, and I've got no doubt some of those kids remember me. The public side of it felt juvenile and embarrassing. My costume was utterly awful and the play didn't make any sense.

The week of rehearsing with kids that might not have interacted before, though. That was the point. Kids came into the week knowing that the whole small town knew they were the Poor Kid or the Naughty Kid and we didn't truck with that, so those kids finally got to shine. Kids that were always gonna inherit the farm and be farmers got to go onstage and sing. We helped some kids picture an eventual escape and we helped some kids open up and we helped some kids finally talk to the cute boy.

It's super easy to make fun of it, and that's what I usually do. But I have learned a ton and done a ton and cared about a ton since I did that tour, and it is still a core belief of mine that theatre is important and powerful. I frankly think it's the best thing that humans do for one another.
posted by lauranesson at 10:19 AM on August 22, 2019 [39 favorites]


(Note, I know this is like 99.9% not what happened)

Denzel:

What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how
infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and
admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
a god! the beauty of the world, the PARADE OF TINY ANIMALS
posted by wellred at 10:26 AM on August 22, 2019 [11 favorites]


We performed once in a monastery, once at a military academy, once in a spectacular theater in Memphis, once in a small cafe on at a community college, where we were often interrupted by the espresso machine.

Pittsburgh's Quantum Theater always does productions in weird reclaimed spaces and they did Twelfth Night in a parking lot of an abandoned office building next to the railroad tracks and whenever a train went by, they'd just break the show, dance and juggle until the train passed and then resume where they left off.
posted by octothorpe at 10:39 AM on August 22, 2019 [7 favorites]


Theatre is freedom, it really is. Freedom to put down who you are and what you're worried about, and just be someone else, somewhere else for a little while. Sometimes I think it's more magical for the people on stage than off, but on the other hand, there are transcendent moments when the audience is pin-drop quiet and you hear someone quietly sobbing; or there's that one patron who has a contagious laugh and by the end of the first act the whole audience is lit, and so are you, and y'all blow the roof off for everyone.

The only thing keeping me from going back to doing a lot more theatre is you have to give up so many nights and weekends. Meantime I volunteer with the fringes and festivals and the queer theatre company and see lots of shows and make friends with cast and crew and staff and get to say "enjoy the show!" while handing out programs and "have a great evening!" while policing the seats to the patrons who, hopefully, got to set their own troubles down for a couple hours.

Live theatre is possibly the best, but there are so many trade-offs.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:52 AM on August 22, 2019 [8 favorites]


I did this type of work twice...first, as a professional improv comedian with a gay improv comedy troupe that toured college campuses and gay events up and down the east coast, and once in a traveling children's show that was very late-70s, even though we were performing in the late-80s. Both times, the experience was very much like this, where the pay was garbage, the benefits nonexistent, the crowds unenthusiastic (or TOO enthusiastic) and the fatigue never-ending.

If I could financially afford to do anything like that again, I would jump at the chance, because there's just something so transforming about being able to perform in front of a crowd in a different location each day, not sure where you'll end up or who you'll be playing to, but knowing that you're at least turning art into a living in some way.
posted by xingcat at 11:10 AM on August 22, 2019 [5 favorites]


I remember seeing "theater" show up in different ways in that old movie "Dinner with Andre". Opened my eyes a bit about some of the possibilities. Especially his tales of that Polish Theater director Jerzy Grotowski .
posted by aleph at 11:26 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


I've told the story of the night he was in a production of Romeo and Juliet and was playing the apothecary in the scene where he was proposing the sleeping draught for Juliet; they were in Brooklyn Bridge Park, and one night when he was doing that scene, a party boat went by blasting Bel Biv DeVoe's song "Poison".

That beats the mariachi music we had going on during "As You Like It" this month, for sure.

Here in Louisville, one of the standard approaches to the airport goes right over Central Park. We have Shakespeare in the Park all summer, and if there's any dialogue going on when a plane screams over at 600 feet (which happens, on average, about 4 times per show), everyone has to stop what they're doing for 10 seconds or so.

I went to a Renaissance Faire in San Jose with the same problem. They just yell "DRAGON!" every time it happens.

I wish being able to actually do something I like doing was an option in life. Stuff like this reminds me of that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:36 AM on August 22, 2019 [8 favorites]


I grew up in a university town that had a lively performing arts society associated with the university that grabbed a lot of traveling shows as they were going from Big City 1 to Big City 2 in our state, usually on Thursday nights. The auditorium where most of the events were stages also had a small population of bats in it, and as a kid dragged to many, many orchestral, dance, and theatre productions, I enjoyed watching a bat put in an occasional appearance.

A few years after I moved, Mom reported to me that she was at a performance of Big River when a bat buzzed the stage during a night scene. The actor playing Jim improvised a line about how big the moths were that brought the house down.
posted by telophase at 11:45 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


The only people I know who are involved in theatre are backstage, and they have a... somewhat different perspective on this. They have the same deep love for theatre, work similar peripatetic, insecure jobs but techies' view is that without them, not only will there not be a play, there may well be a body count. They are the only thing stopping the combination of a megalomaniac with an obsession with having fire/explosions/general danger on stage (director) and a group of people with the emotional regulation of a hungry toddler and no impulse control (actors) meeting in a literally explosive situation which may kill all of them, the audience and several bystanders.
posted by Vortisaur at 12:30 PM on August 22, 2019 [14 favorites]


Vortisaur: I got that too as an SM, I was just conflating that into the woes bucket. (I once was on a show where I had to deal with the cast getting all manner of medical issues, up to and including cancer.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:49 PM on August 22, 2019


...cast as a Native American in a problematic outdoor drama in Chillicothe, Ohio.

As a theatre student in the early 90s, I worked with more than one young, male hopeful actor was was sooo excited to have been cast in the Tecumseh Drama, apparently it's a rite of passage all over and decades later too.

About all I can take away from my hopeful career in theatre are top-notch carpentry skills, and that I went to school with someone who is now stage-managing actual real-life New York City Broadway shows so I can live vicariously through her Facebook posts.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:54 PM on August 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


I was a witness to a raccoon family onstage at Shakespeare in the Park in Central Park; it was the inspiration for "Underbrush Understudy," a short animated film by Mefite meaghansketch.
posted by Jeanne at 12:58 PM on August 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


My oldest son had a (modest) acting scholarship to college. He chose not to major in theater and has moved on to a completely different career. I can't say I blame him for making those decisions and the article reinforces that.

But his mother and I sure do miss seeing him perform on stage.
posted by maurice at 1:31 PM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


That sort of crazy work schedule for no pay is SO romanticized in the theater industry. It's the sort of system that gives you bragging rights for working crazy long hours, not sleeping, and doing things OSHA would gasp at. And I notice he didn't mention any sort of health insurance benefit.... (I work for a performing arts venue, mostly backstage; got a BFA, been doing it professionally for 16 years.)

Overworked Staff and Performing Arts: Let's Not Pretend We're Okay

It should change. It should be better. Just because we're making art doesn't mean we're not worth making a living wage or having safe and sane working conditions.
posted by Weeping_angel at 2:16 PM on August 22, 2019 [9 favorites]


I did an opera program in upstate NY where there were resident bats in the converted barn that was our theatre. It wasn't worth trying to get rid of them, and aside from somebody having to sweep and mop every day, they mostly weren't an issue in practice (and they kept the mosquito population down a bit). But bats are active at dusk, which is when operas happened to be performed. Usually they went mostly unnoticed (mostly fluttering around in the rafters) but a couple times a summer their peak activity would coincide with a soprano aria. Apparently that messed with their hunting senses, because they'd basically keep swooping towards the poor women's heads. They left the men and the mezzos alone.
posted by fedward at 2:29 PM on August 22, 2019 [12 favorites]


Hey, you can watch Underbrush Understudy online!
posted by Jeanne at 3:29 PM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


It's been a long time since I made my living, such as it was, doing theater. But for the first time in the while, I'm acting - in a show at the Edinburgh Fringe.

We apparently just broke even tonight, itself a rarity at the Fringe, and that means that for the next *checks* two days, it's all gravy. If sales go well, we could be looking at around 600 pounds pure profit.

Split four ways.

So, 150 pounds, maybe. For a show that started rehearsing at the beginning of June. And we're among the lucky ones that are going to make any money at all.

And that's why I don't try to make my living doing theater anymore.
posted by kyrademon at 3:44 PM on August 22, 2019 [11 favorites]


And actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that advance sales were being counted in that "we just broke even!" announcement, so revise that profit margin down.
posted by kyrademon at 3:53 PM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]


I remember seeing "theater" show up in different ways in that old movie "Dinner with Andre". Opened my eyes a bit about some of the possibilities. Especially his tales of that Polish Theater director Jerzy Grotowski .

You might enjoy watching Vanya On 42nd Street which is Louie Malle directing Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn and a bunch of other great people including Julianne Moore in a very theatrical (as in "of the theater") filming of Chekhov's Uncle Vanya, adapted by David Mamet.

I mean, my brain whirls just reading that summary, and I've seen it repeatedly!
posted by hippybear at 7:57 PM on August 22, 2019


One of my kids is pure, grade-A, dyed-in-the-wool high school theater trash. Saves her allowance for rush tickets to local productions, begs for a ride to and from the goddamn Chanhassen Dinner Theater, only heading into 10th grade but already researching the best performing arts departments at colleges and universities. Any time she’s not actually performing in something, she’s doing costumes or tech for something. Tonight we spent a few minutes while dinner was cooking, looking at some local teen improv programs because she’s interested in building some on-the-spot confidence, and she’s looking at sketch production and writing workshops for next summer.

A big part of me wants to say that this is not a rational goal in life. On the other hand, I’ve lived long enough to know that not many goals really are when you scratch the surface, so why not let her ride the train as long as she feels like it? If she comes out on the other side with nothing but good memories and a few great stories, how is that not still a success?
posted by padraigin at 8:14 PM on August 22, 2019 [18 favorites]


Yeah, I was reading that thinking, "Well, $225 a week isn't bad if you're getting food and housing and benefits," but of course they're not getting benefits, and when most of your job, by time spent, is effectively construction and electrical work, that's a big deal.

I do a fair amount of sound load-in/load-out work, and I've started drawing a hard line around safety. You want me to go up on a ladder and haul sideways on a rope with both hands? No. Just no. Fortunately (or not), we have no shortage of upper middle class volunteers with good health insurance that I can send aloft in my place.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:37 PM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


A big part of me wants to say that this is not a rational goal in life. On the other hand, I’ve lived long enough to know that not many goals really are when you scratch the surface, so why not let her ride the train as long as she feels like it? If she comes out on the other side with nothing but good memories and a few great stories, how is that not still a success?

You never know though... I went to a public high school in a small Canadian city, not a fancy private school or an arts magnet school, and I was in my high school Drama club for just two years (stage crew). At least 5 of the kids I met there went on to successful careers at the Stratford Festival and/or Broadway, and they're all still going strong after 15+ years. One is the Managing Artistic Director of a well regarded small-town professional theatre and the co-founder of a professionally run theatre festival that's on its 5th year now. Another recently co-founded a new theatre company in Toronto. I'm sure they weren't the only drama club kids I knew who went on to do professional theatre, they're just the ones who make the national papers often enough for me to be aware of their careers. (Dream big!)
posted by Secret Sparrow at 9:20 PM on August 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


Theater has never been more than a hobby for me because I have to have health insurance. My friends who've made at work mostly have a primo but seasonal day job or a working spouse, although I have known a few who slugged it out and the poverty of the trenches. I do have a lot of crazy fond memories, though.

Shakespeare in the park: Twelfth Night, Act 1 Scene 1. Orsino is lying on a couch, being serenaded by me and two other court musicians. He cuts us off in the middle of our song as planned, and just them a giant limb comes crashing down off a nearby tree. Without missing a beat, Orsino turns to his servant and says, "Remind me not to pay the gardener this week." Audience goes wild.

Ibid: 5, Scene 4 of Much Ado About Nothing. Our performance site is in a marina park, so there are occasionally boats going by during a show. Claudio and Hero are standing before the friar in their wedding clothes, and Claudio says, "I am your husband, if you like of me." Suddenly a voice from a boat screams, "Don't do it, man!" Audience goes wild.

Macbeth in the arboretum. All through the production, two red-tailed hawks we dubbed Malcolm and Donalbain have been circling the site. On opening night, completely by coincidence, there's a bagpiper practicing in the next clearing for the upcoming Celtic Games. After the show, an old lady tells me how much she loved my creepy smile as the third witch. I start deliberately doing a creepy smile the following night. Closing night, Macbeth yells the line, "...and sleep in spite of thunder!" Bang, flash, and the sky opens. We end up not finishing. A few months later, the actor who played Macbeth dies of a brain tumor. For a few years afterward, people in the cast occasionally get mysterious automatic emails from his address.

halfway through one performance of our all-female Julius Caesar in a 100-seat studio theater, an old man in a cowboy hat in the audience stands up, loudly says, "This never would have happened under Rinal Reagan!" and storms out. We don't know if he means the political situation depicted in the play, or the production itself. All my stage combat bits as "First Soldier" had to be given to another actor as I break my foot during the rehearsal period; this frees me up to carry the biggest sword in the show as I never have to actually use it. Between the limp and the ight of the sword I am walking like John Fucking Wayne. I have never felt so macho in my life.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:21 PM on August 22, 2019 [11 favorites]


a party boat went by blasting Bel Biv DeVoe's song "Poison"

Many years ago, I made the mistake of getting involved in someone's pet theatre project. It was a show both written and directed by one person, which is a great thing if you're, say, David Mamet. This guy...was not. He seemed to have been unable to decide whether he wanted to do the tone of either Angels in America or Animal House, and just kind of rammed them together in a particle collider until something vaguely play-shaped came out.

The thing was three fucking hours long. I was in maybe four scenes. I used to bring my complete works of Shakespeare to the theater with me so I could transport myself into a better play during the long awful stretches backstage.

The one thing I really vividly remember and that the Poison thing reminded me of is that the horrible little theater we were in was next to a horrible little bar, and some nights they had horrible little karaoke.

You see where this is going.

One night, during the only actual moment of real emotional honesty and sincerity in the entire goddamned train wreck of a show, a nice quiet moment where one character was nervously coming out to another one....

....the walls started vibrating with the sheer force of the collection of dudebros next door howling "SWEET HOME ALABAMA....." into a microphone.

To this day, the entire thing is a cautionary tale to myself.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:23 AM on August 23, 2019 [5 favorites]


padraigin, I studied theatre as an undergrad and while I didn't do it professionally for long, it taught me SO many skills that are useful in work and life. I've never regretted it for a minute. Also many people I studied or worked with in various places are successful in performing arts careers, it just wasn't for me.
posted by wellred at 5:15 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


This wasn't as bad as some other interruptions reported above. My undergrad university was located next to a park with an outdoor amphitheatre that got a decent number of grade-A touring bands that could be heard across campus.

This was great if you were a penniless student who could enjoy the shows by simply opening the doors and windows of your dorm room. Not so great if you were part of the cast and crew attempting to put on an emotional drama about the plight of women on farms in rural America to an involuntary soundtrack by Santana.
posted by telophase at 7:31 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


One of my favorite moments of actor improv came because of an unexpected interruption. In the middle of a terrible play about a high school kid throwing a party while his parents were out of town, an entire wall of the set suddenly collapsed. Just came crashing down into a pile of broken wood and canvas, dust rising from it under the stage lights.

One of the actors on stage turned to look at it, then turned to the main character and said, deadpan: "Dude. Your parents are going to notice that."
posted by kyrademon at 8:16 AM on August 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


I went to a public high school in a small Canadian city, not a fancy private school or an arts magnet school, and I was in my high school Drama club for just two years (stage crew). At least 5 of the kids I met there went on to successful careers at the Stratford Festival and/or Broadway, and they're all still going strong after 15+ years.

Time, life, chance, fate, and circumstances have a big part to play in a LOT of this.

* The shining stars of my drama club in high school mostly went into various kinds of academia; a few went into teaching drama at other high schools or middle schools, one went into a collegiate academic track. One or two went into broadcasting. And then you have the ones who did things like Human Resources or the ministry. (I think I may the only one from my graduating year who did any work in theater proper. Huh.)

* From my college - the core group of people who went through 3 years of acting conservatory with me went similar routes; a few either went into production or teaching. One guy went into film and TV for a while, with a role as Clare Danes' brother in one of her lesser-known films and a recurring role on a show about old-time Hollywood, but he packed it in ten years ago and now does special events production. One saw the writing on the wall after graduation and went straight into nursing school.

* The only people about whom I can say "I knew them when" were three people actually from my theater career (and they're all awesome and it was delightful working with them, so I'm thrilled; this dude in particular is living it upppppp).

One of my favorite moments of actor improv came because of an unexpected interruption. In the middle of a terrible play about a high school kid throwing a party while his parents were out of town, an entire wall of the set suddenly collapsed. Just came crashing down into a pile of broken wood and canvas, dust rising from it under the stage lights.

LOL - my high school production of Fiddler On The Roof nearly suffered the same thing. I was sitting backstage, zoning out during a scene when Tevye and his family were hanging out in the front yard and talking, when suddenly I heard our Hodel shout, "Papa, look out, the barn!" ...This was not in the script, of course. ...But our flat backdrop barn standin had started to fall forward, like that house facade in that Buster Keaton scene.

I couldn't see from where I was, but our Chava had run over to hold it up, and supported it while our Tevye wandered over to help her, jovially saying "Don't worry, papa will fix it!" The rest of the cast just improvised a discussion about the probable fate of the cows while the cast got the flat back up.

That was the night our local paper reviewed the show and they commented on the cast's grace under pressure. Our choir director called the actress playing Chava "Chulk Chava" for the rest of the week.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:33 AM on August 23, 2019 [6 favorites]


We had a professional summer stock theater in our tiny town, and by senior year I worked in the ticket office and as house manager. The company was a mixture of returning veterans who used it as an excuse to get out of the city for the summer, up and coming recent grads, and undergraduate interns, with a few local high school kids in the mix. It was my first experience of "college parties" and everyone was ok with me standing a corner and drinking mixers.

We had one very handsome guy play Hamlet, and all of the girls swooned over him. He is now a national award-winning actor who is famous for his "dad bod" and whenever I see him I get a mixture of nostalgia and side adjacent embarrassment because of who we were back then and where we ended up. I am in a very different profession now, and he was very kind to a high school kid with a crush.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 9:25 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


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