MANTIS ADVICE COLUMNIST
November 27, 2019 10:40 PM   Subscribe

Dear Ms. Mantis, My husband is a great guy except for this one small thing: he wants his five Sailor Moon sex dolls to sleep in bed with us. What should I do?
-Married2DollLover

Dear Married,

[EAT] [HIM] [IMMEDIATELY]
-M A N T I S


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posted by Johnny Wallflower (38 comments total) 37 users marked this as a favorite
 
God, the "My male partner is just the best, apart from this one small (ATROCIOUS THING)" skewers so many online relationship questions so perfectly, one of those things I didn't realise I'd seen a million times until it was pointed out to me.

Also, I squawked at the very final letter from "comic"
posted by ominous_paws at 11:26 PM on November 27, 2019 [22 favorites]


On the one hand, most of the animal kingdom has oversimplified and extremely brutal standard practices for resolving disputes. On the other hand, I have had many interpersonal problems that, in retrospect, could have been best resolved by [BITING] [THEIR] [HEADS] [OFF].
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:47 PM on November 27, 2019 [21 favorites]


11 wondrous facts about praying mantises for all your human behavior advice needs.
posted by fairmettle at 12:32 AM on November 28, 2019 [6 favorites]


Guest Host Wasp adds a certain piquancy to the conversation.
posted by chavenet at 12:46 AM on November 28, 2019 [9 favorites]


ETMFA
posted by kyrademon at 2:13 AM on November 28, 2019 [68 favorites]


I can do without the transphobia.
posted by King Bee at 3:13 AM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]


ETMFA

unnecessary the d stands for devour
posted by lalochezia at 3:51 AM on November 28, 2019 [17 favorites]


I don't think it was meant to be transphobic. I think that wasp was trying to properly gender Desperate Son, but forgot that men may also be capable of laying eggs in brainmeats.
posted by 256 at 4:33 AM on November 28, 2019 [19 favorites]


For the record the notion that females always bites the male’s head off is totally wrong, a misconception based on captive studies. In the wild, so far as we can tell, this only happens rarely, when the female is under extreme stress.
/MyOtherAcctIsAMantis
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:45 AM on November 28, 2019 [29 favorites]


Not all mantises, you’re saying?
posted by mhoye at 5:00 AM on November 28, 2019 [32 favorites]


This reads like Dear Prudence on Slate.com just with much, much more devouring.
posted by tommasz at 5:26 AM on November 28, 2019 [9 favorites]


In the wild, so far as we can tell, this only happens rarely, when the female is under extreme stress.

I like to think that the male mantis is really quite intensely focussed on foreplay and aftercare.
posted by jaduncan at 5:32 AM on November 28, 2019 [4 favorites]


Not all mantises, you’re saying

No, I’m saying this trope is just as wrong as the alpha wolf nonsense, and for the same reason, though ultimately probably less harmful to human society.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:57 AM on November 28, 2019 [4 favorites]


To be fair, the human women in these relationships also sound like they're under extreme stress. So maybe it is realistic after all.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:24 AM on November 28, 2019 [25 favorites]


Excellent take on new meal traditions for American Thanksgiving.
posted by theora55 at 6:48 AM on November 28, 2019 [2 favorites]


I love it. Probably for the best that Zorak never patched things up with Zingor.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:02 AM on November 28, 2019 [10 favorites]


Are the Sailor Moon sex dolls also mantises?
posted by darksasami at 7:13 AM on November 28, 2019


Are the Sailor Moon sex dolls also mantises?

That's what really makes great AU fiction, the attention to detail.
posted by mhoye at 7:21 AM on November 28, 2019 [10 favorites]


On the other hand, I have had many interpersonal problems that, in retrospect, could have been best resolved by [BITING] [THEIR] [HEADS] [OFF].

I propose that AskMe adopts BTHOA as a glib and dismissive shorthand.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:26 AM on November 28, 2019 [13 favorites]


On the other hand, I have had many interpersonal problems that, in retrospect, could have been best resolved by [BITING] [THEIR] [HEADS] [OFF].

While I have had many interpersonal problems that, in retrospect, were caused by me biting someone's head off when I was annoyed.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:34 AM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]


The decision to bite somebody's head off or not is far more nuanced than I'd previously appreciated.
posted by mhoye at 9:35 AM on November 28, 2019 [6 favorites]


Not all mantises, you’re saying?
I think this sounds more like the No True Mantis argument.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 10:19 AM on November 28, 2019 [2 favorites]


By the way, the Tweeter thread was great. Also, I think it easy to conflate “any mention of group X” as “X phobia.” I thought the trans letter response captured the well-meaning confusion of many (including me) that occurs in these kinds of situations. So it was funny.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 10:23 AM on November 28, 2019 [2 favorites]


Am I the only one who read these in the voice of Mantis from GotG?
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 10:47 AM on November 28, 2019 [4 favorites]


I think this sounds more like the No True Mantis argument.

No True Scotsmantis?
posted by Four Ds at 11:41 AM on November 28, 2019 [6 favorites]


I think there's not enough literal biting-off of heads being discussed here, and the mantis population is probably insulted that you aren't taking this seriously.
posted by hippybear at 12:32 PM on November 28, 2019 [1 favorite]


Am I the only one who read these in the voice of Mantis from GotG?

The voice of any mantis will always be Zorak from Space Ghost Coast To Coast.
posted by hippybear at 12:33 PM on November 28, 2019 [15 favorites]


Eh, mark me down as someone who found it a pretty TERFy “joke,” so not much of a laugh from me.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:31 PM on November 28, 2019


Uh the letter is signed Son and the wasp/mantis is saying "you are male" therefore affirming their gender and the author of all these tweets is a they/them according to their profile. Can we assume good faith in anything? This is clearly not TERF-y? wow.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 1:47 PM on November 28, 2019 [28 favorites]


Oh, hell. I completely misread that sequence. I take it back.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:06 PM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]


Wait until they start mantisplaining the whole process.
posted by spitbull at 4:07 PM on November 28, 2019 [5 favorites]


I would have gone with [TO] [LAY] [EGGS] [OR] [NOT] [IS] [YOUR] [CHOICE] [BUT] [STING] [HER] [REPEATEDLY] [REGARDLESS]
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:37 PM on November 28, 2019 [2 favorites]


Am I the only one who read these in the voice of Mantis from GotG?

The voice of any mantis will always be Zorak from Space Ghost Coast To Coast.


Although I have to say when I reads [WORDS][LIKE][THIS] it comes out in my head sounding like a dalek.
posted by q*ben at 7:42 PM on November 28, 2019 [4 favorites]


No, I’m saying this trope is just as wrong as the alpha wolf nonsense, and for the same reason, though ultimately probably less harmful to human society.
PROBABLY?!?!?!
posted by JohnFromGR at 8:32 AM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]


Not for anything but this whole thread proves that eating males before you mate with them would save everyone a lot of trouble
posted by ejs at 4:33 PM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]


Just the head though as this is superfluous to the mating process and, if we’re being honest, probably an impediment.
posted by um at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2019 [2 favorites]


When it comes to mating, there is only one head that is really navigating the process.
posted by hippybear at 7:36 PM on November 29, 2019


I love her Twitter, especially all the cat rescue she does. I didn't realize Spain had mostly kill shelters.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2019


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