Who's a good team player? Is it you? Is it you?!
September 26, 2020 6:17 AM   Subscribe

Has your kitty cultivated their core competencies and licked the competition? Do they proactively pounce on priority projects? Are they clawing their way to the top of the corporate ladder, or have you found that their attention to de tail somewhat lacking, and their track record littered with catastrophes and faux paws? Now's the time to let them know, because for Metafilter's fourth September fundraising chatfilter post, janepanic has asked us all to give our cats their yearly Purrformance Review!
posted by taz (26 comments total) 28 users marked this as a favorite
Metafilter is auctioning extremely rare and precious chatfilter topics for the month of September in order to raise funds. This one is our fourth! (#1, #2, #3.) Read more here, see the current slate of chatfilter topics suggested, vote with your $ (one vote per US dollar), and add your own topic ideas to the main thread (we need more!).
posted by taz at 6:17 AM on September 26, 2020 [4 favorites]

Phoebe has had an excellent year! She has excelled at toy transporting, bird monitoring, napping, snuggling, leaping/bounding, and personal hygiene. She continues to complete her personal purr practice schedule each day. Phoebe also received our highly coveted award for floofiest tummy. Areas for improvement continue to be refraining from eating the toppings off of neglected pizza. Final grade: A+++

And seriously, I don’t know what I would have done without this little cat over the past few months. I am consciously grateful for her every day. She is the best pet. ALL the pets are the best pets.
posted by bookmammal at 7:01 AM on September 26, 2020 [14 favorites]

My new employee lives 2000 miles away and we're working together remotely at the moment. From what I hear, he's disorganized (doesn't keep his poop as confined as one would expect) and often creates a hostile work environment for his direct supervisor (makes loud noise in the middle of the night.) I'm looking forward to continuing to work with him. I recognize that as a senior hire with a complicated work history we should allow time for what may be a challenging transition. But, I think significant improvement in his work outlook and willingness to collaborate with colleagues is needed. At the moment, he is not performing as expected. Though, he does enthusiastically attend all scheduled meetings and does not hesitate to express his opinions. (cat tax, used previously.)
posted by eotvos at 7:04 AM on September 26, 2020 [10 favorites]

Bento has had a challenging year in regards to interpersonal skills and stress management. After many meetings in which it was explained to him that extreme overgrooming was not a good communication strategy, in-house intervention was deemed to have failed. Although reluctant, he eventually submitted to a full physical exam, exhausting both his yearly HSA and his management team. Head office decided that a different approach was needed. A new team member was brought on board to balance his workload and offer mentorship opportunities.

Sneakers has faced the challenges of her new role with a great attitude and tremendous energy. Although initially uncertain, she easily completed remedial training in Litter Box 101 and is now working on qualifying for Team Crinkle Ball. Bento continues to grow his mentor-mentee relationship and seems much happier now that he has a collaborator.
posted by janepanic at 8:52 AM on September 26, 2020 [16 favorites]

We brought Pearl on board in May of this year after our recruiter identified her as a good fit for our team based on her strong work ethic and experience in surveillance and perimeter security. With COVID-19 increasing the demand for essential feline workers and cubicles emptying at the staffing agency, we decided to take a chance on her despite her relatively thin employment history consisting mostly of gig economy jobs.

Team chemistry is a work in progress due to some confusion about her position in the org chart and some conflict over ownership of office snacks, but recent team-building and conflict resolution exercises have led to improved team dynamics in recent weeks. Meanwhile, abuse of our flexible work location policy has been a problem at times, and relocation of the ladies room presented a challenge at first. Still, she's demonstrated the coolness under pressure and "can-do" attitude necessary to succeed in her current position, and appears primed to be a key player on our team for years to come.

Overall, as we near the end of the six-month probationary period, Pearl rates an excellent cat.
posted by tonycpsu at 9:04 AM on September 26, 2020 [17 favorites]

Severino and Calogera have had a difficult year, with the relocation of their office and the trials and tribulations of working from home during these quarantine days. Despite these challenges, their teamwork has improved tremendously. Both Calo and Sevi will receive their performance based gratification, but there is concern that the staff bonus programme may have run its course as cat motivation appears to be falling rapidly.
posted by fregoli at 9:09 AM on September 26, 2020 [7 favorites]

and there goes alla my favorites...
posted by supermedusa at 9:21 AM on September 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

On a scale from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree, how much to you agree with the following statement:

"Iris is a complete jerkface."

Strongly Agree
posted by bondcliff at 9:26 AM on September 26, 2020 [9 favorites]

Herbert has been climbing the corporate ladder this year. After some shaky purrformance reviews last year, he decided to get serious. He's made great strides in his teamwork skills.

Bellatrix has really been stretching her capacities this year and has started speaking up a lot more in meetings. She always strives to maintain life-work balance though, and to remind team members to stay healthy.
posted by supermedusa at 9:29 AM on September 26, 2020 [7 favorites]

My roommate's cat Desmond has excelled this year at snuggling up on my lap and interfering with my laptop use (as pictured), at asking so very nicely and politely when he needs a door opened or the liquid from a can of tuna served to him, and at sleeping for 20 goddamn hours a goddamn day.

His new key skill for the year has been in the security monitoring field, following the installation of two bird feeders on the fire escape. His diligence in staring down those tasty, tasty birbs while making unsettling chirruping noises for hours at a stretch has been an inspiration to all concerned.

He is moving out with his mother on Tuesday and I am HEARTBROKEN to be losing my good soft nice sweet little man. But the new roommate has a dog, which will help with the healing. And they've already told me I can catsit!
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:32 AM on September 26, 2020 [7 favorites]

Simon has excelled in outreach with our neighbours, coming home smelling of old lady perfume last week and greeting the new students across the road today. This puts him two up on us. There was an unfortunate incident with our next door neighbours last week though when he squeezed under their fence and across their low wall and got white paint the full length of his white furry belly and on all three paw pads. The incident is memorialized down the concrete steps to our gates to minimize deniability.
posted by biffa at 9:48 AM on September 26, 2020 [5 favorites]

There was an unfortunate incident with our next door neighbours last week though when he squeezed under their fence and across their low wall and got white paint the full length of his white furry belly and on all three paw pads.

Man and I always thought those Pepe Le Pew shorts were completely unrealistic
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:53 AM on September 26, 2020 [9 favorites]

Kokopelli's purrformance this year has exceeded expectations, developing a bold initiative to reduce basement feculation by 60%, and pioneering a new "chest-sitting" approach to snuggling in bed.

Wisakedjak has been on medical leave recently and has had his targets with regard to urinating in litterboxes and not whining piteously reduced accordingly. He's taken to his new temporary assignment of "antibiotic taster" reasonably well, inflicting few scratches.

Baba Yaga continues to be an effective and enthusiastic kitty and has outperformed metrics on play and socialization, although she's been slipping of late on providing required cuddles to management, and we've had complaints about her removing every piece of underwear from the dresser drawers.

Our two contract cats are nearly halfway through their assignment. Loki is such a valuable addition to our team that we think we could find him a permanent position but remain in negotiations with his employers. We're particularly charmed by his willingness to play "fetch". Leia is unfortunately not fitting into our corporate culture very well, reserving all her social energies for flattering management but not getting along well with her coworkers, and showing reluctance to adopt certain established practices within our firm, like "cat doors" and "food balls".
posted by jackbishop at 10:20 AM on September 26, 2020 [8 favorites]

Owain has had a difficult year through no fault of his own, having a medical emergency in the spring that took him out of commission for several weeks, and requiring management to call in outside assistance. However, he has recovered well and his FBM (Fluffy Belly Metrics) are nearly back to his usual high standards.
(Management have also recently finally paid off his new butt, and are grateful for the chance to put the incident behind them.)
Although he continues to show poor teamwork except in certain areas, Owain makes up for it with his enthusiasm for biscuit-making, and his continued excellence at the high-jump. In the coming year, management expect to work with him to improve his attitude towards having his nails clipped, as currently biscuit-making leaves scratches on management's tummy. Management has also just learned that no good video of the high jump exists on the internet, and will get right on that. He remains a Very Good Boy.

Alice has excelled this year, celebrating her first anniversary since joining the company, and rapidly settling in. Her dulcet tones can often be heard from anywhere in the office, and if you've never heard a cat clearly ask to speak to a manager, we would invite you to meet with Alice. Although she also generally has poor teamwork skills, management frankly does too, and cannot really point fingers in this area. Besides, the tufts of fur Owain leaves around after a catfight are always a source of surprise and wonder.
Due to Owain's medical issues, their shared food had to be changed to a prescription diet, which Alice has adjusted to with flying colors, thank fuck. Her language abilities have increased immensely with every crow that comes into view, and her purr has reach legendary heights. Of particular note, although maintaining a healthy weight, an early pregnancy assures that she still transforms into a soccer ball every time she arches her back. In the coming year, management hopes to be able to capture this on camera, as it's the cutest goddamn thing you've ever seen.
posted by kalimac at 11:34 AM on September 26, 2020 [6 favorites]

Magrathea has had an up year, always on time and bringing in new contacts. She has progressed in her arcance studies and learned from her role models. She takes good care of her primate assistants. In the last few weeks she has slipped a bit, but I believe that after last Tuesday's fall and the resulting scratches on her secondary primate assistant, she has learned the boundaries of that particular perch, and we are impressed by how she allowed her nails to be clipped without any screaming this time.

Rufus met his stretch goals in this difficult year, spending more time with his primate assistants and caring for his teammate, and only occasionally curling up in a corner. His obeservational skills have been most helpful in tracking neighborhood activity, but he has been spending a lot of time sitting down on the job.

As a team, they have worked well together, filling all the boxes, as well as all the bags.
posted by buildmyworld at 11:59 AM on September 26, 2020 [4 favorites]

best of the web
posted by meows at 12:37 PM on September 26, 2020 [6 favorites]

As of today, Lilah has been with the McScratcherson company for 10 years. Our CFO (Chief Feline Officer) she continues to excel in fanciness and shows strong leadership in whiskers. She remains hostile to all members of the human race, except me, and largely intolerant of other cats.

Laney, the Queen of the Kingsize, had a tough start to the year with dental surgery and a UTI. Despite those setbacks, plus arthritis, diabetes and a few other health issues, this 15-year-old torbie rules her domain with an iron paw. She continues to lead in snuggliness, warbles, and belly pets. Lilah and Laney have managed to work together despite their differences out of general disdain for the rest of the people and pets in the household.

Willow loses a few points this year for inappropriate peeing, but remains a valuable member of McScratcherson, Inc. nonetheless. She does her best work alone, devouring any available meats and zipping around in complete defiance of gravity. She is willing to work on group projects with Bubby, but she's still very skittish about her newest co-workers.

Bubby joined the company in early 2019, but brings many years of experience and a mostly sweet disposition to the table. At 16 he's the senior employee, having been let go suddenly by his previous household. He has adapted very well, and has seamlessly transitioned to being a part of the McScratcherson family. He's looking forward to Halloween this year and ready to shine as the house's only black cat.

Sam, Cupcake, and Sir Wobbles joined the McScratcherson family in February after a merger with Catlandia Corporation. Sam is a strong individual contributor despite open hostility to Bubby and Willow, relying on his charm towards the humans in the household to offset his general asshattery. He does work well on group projects with Cupcake and Sir Wobbles, having raised them as kittens.

Cupcake prefers to work alone or on joint projects with Sam or her brother, Sir Wobbles. She has a very strong lap game, doing her very best work when offered a layer of fleecy blanket. Strongly motivated by snacks, Cupcake is an all-around household favorite.

Brave Sir Wobbles is dead set on befriending everyone whether they wish to be friends or not. His cerebellar hypoplasia has not hampered him at all, and he has learned to slow down and enjoy some rest at the end of the day. His glorious orange fur and magnificent tail bring joy to all the people in the house.
posted by jzb at 2:21 PM on September 26, 2020 [11 favorites]

Bootsy, who was shockingly lackadaisical about meetings in the 10 prior years of his life, has improved his attendance to nearly 100% since they began being held via the computer in the upstairs bedroom.

Bootsy should be commended for self-starting a new role as class mascot/emotional support animal/teaching assistant to el_lupino's students, and in this capacity he has been both directly requested as an anxiety-reducer and praised as "a very handsome boy." His only oversight is that he has twice used the webcam to show a class his anus, but admittedly this is within anus-display tolerance for his species.

Bootsy should keep in mind, however, that when a philosopher is specifically using him as a negative example, explaining to students the unique nature of human consciousness by saying that humans think about the activities they undertake, but that his cat doesn't reflect on whether he is "catting" well, that standing upright on the bed and staring directly at the lecturer is unsettling.
posted by jocelmeow at 2:51 PM on September 26, 2020 [16 favorites]

Since his last performance review, Rupert has been a consistent catalyst for company-wide improvement, successfully leading the tiger team to several agile solutions.

As an early disrupter, Rupert shines; he’s clearly happiest when his plate is full. Rupert embraced our new open office layout, recognizing that it encouraged interactivity and appreciating its consistency with his open door approach to supurrvision. Rupert fights tooth and claw on behalf of his reports, treats subordinates equally regardless of whether they are white, pink or blue collar workers, and has been known to bite the heads off of any interloping “rats.” His loyalty to them is unquestioned and Rupert will frequently twist himself into a pretzel on their behalf.

Some areas for improvement remain. Rupert belittled his appointment to the SWAT team, perhaps because the top dog characterized the work as “herding cats.” When confronted with this shortcoming, Rupert acknowledged that he was merely checking the box. Moreover, Rupert agreed that he had allowed his claws to show which, while it could lead to cutting edge innovations that scratched his itch for novelty, it also resulted in pain points for others.

All in all, Rupert should be considered a viable C-suite candidate.
posted by carmicha at 4:38 PM on September 26, 2020 [5 favorites]

Asami has recently passed the one year mark at the company and seems to be fitting in nicely with her extended responsibilities.
The junior employee Naga, while certainly a go-getter, needs to have a talk-to from HR about appropriate office clothes.
Both employees have become integral parts of the team, and seem to be meshing quite well, productivizing the incentivization synergistically.
posted by signal at 6:21 PM on September 26, 2020 [6 favorites]

I love all the tabby cats! Employee morale report to come...
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:48 PM on September 26, 2020 [1 favorite]

Because of our catsitting lifestyle we have had a number of "furr-eelancers" over the past year. We are delighted to review them all.

We were delighted to bring back Jelly due to her dedication to teamwork. When she has been on the team she has consistently been looking over our shoulders, ready to give advice. And she's ready to give a big shout to anyone who is doing a good job!

Jelly's business partner Mikado is always on the lookout for new opportunities. He excels in outside sales and is always looking out for the next big thing.

Frankie was a new member of our squad this year. We appreciated her enthusiasm for standup meetings, her attentiveness to feedback, and her enthusiasm for exceeding stretch goals! We hope we'll get to collaborate on another project soon.

Hugo also performed admirably on his first assignment with us. When it came to customer research, went undercover multiple times in order to help us get a leg up on the competition. He dug into every nook and cranny to make sure we defeated the competition.

Tiggy and Abby made a great team. Tiggy applied his energy to taste-testing. He never got discouraged and was always ready to take more shots on goal. And if we ever had trouble pinning anything down, Abby was there.

I will let under_petticoat_rule review our most recent hires!
posted by rednikki at 1:01 AM on September 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

Moose has demonstrated strong focus, boundless energy and a real desire to rise in this organization - specifically to the top of the fridge. I wish he would use more of this can-do attitude towards his assigned duties.

En français, c'est vraiment un filtre de chat.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:34 AM on September 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Princess Fluffykins The Terrible (right) has had a competent year, though has (so far) failed to bring another live pigeon through the cat flap, or adorn the bathroom or library floor with either rat or squirrel corpse. She has taken to nipping The Man's feet when he does not provide breakfast with sufficient speed, but as she continues to nestle between The Woman's knees in the evenings, this is not regarded as a major flaw. She made a spirited effort to get stuck in a tree, but failed to scale the heights her co-cat reached a year ago, and was able to rescue herself well before The Humans arrived with ladder.

Sable (left) has made good progress in catting, and brought in her first tiny mammalian victim this summer. She still prefers to rest behind the protective shelter of her BFF while on the couch, but regularly permits human adoration, and has once even snuggled. She is more swift than Princess Fluffykins in taking the pieces of Tasty Stick from the cat snack tower, and her psychic ability to discern that The Humans are plotting to apply evil cold substances to her skin is being honed to an extraordinary degree. She contrived to get a grass stalk stuck in her throat several months ago, which required a brief surgical experience, but exhibited great joy at being restored to her home afterwards, which The Humans appreciated.

Both cats have been less interested in ice cream this year, despite the hot weather, but have developed excellent begging skills when The Man is eating crisps.
posted by Pentickle at 7:10 AM on September 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

Purrl has recently completed her eleventh year with our organization and has continued to perform with extraordinary diligence. Attendance at her primary position (asleep on human's lap) is near-perfect, perhaps to a fault as Purrl sometimes expresses frustration and dissatisfaction when the position is unavailable due to being occupied by an inanimate object such as a computer or book, or when the human has moved the lap from a horizontal to vertical position. Fortunately the human has been willing to accommodate Purrl's preference by remaining seated, unoccupied, and motionless as often as possible.

In addition to her primary lap-sleeping function, Purrl continues to demonstrate her attention to monitoring the local environment's gravitational field by periodically dislodging small objects from tables to ensure that they fall at the appropriate rate.

Some roles that Purrl had filled in the past, such as chasing small objects and vocalizing at wildlife outside the window, have more frequently gone uncompleted as she devotes more of her time to lap-sleeping, while other conventional cat tasks such as apprehending wildlife which comes inside the house have always been outside her purrview. Nonetheless, Purrl has been an exemplary feline companion and we can only hope to have her services for many more years to come.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:51 AM on September 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

Katherine Elizabeth "KittyP" continues to be one of the household's most interesting pets. Indeed, the household`s only a pet. Still, she handles this pressure remarkably well.

First the areas we'd like her to look at or continue improving. Katherine can be a bit unassertive when it comes to interacting with new people.

IOW she hides in the linen closet when anyone visits. (This is embarrassing because it has led to some people remarking, "I don't believe you really have a cat.")

She then exhibits a somewhat poor attitude after Not-Her-Humans leave, and has been known to whine about the strange-person smell in the rooms even the next day.

We won't detail either the new rug or the litter issues here, but she is aware of them.

On the plus side, Katherine is a loving little "baby kitty," in fact particularly amusing when she allows the human to hold her like a baby.

In feline middle age, she may have slowed down a bit in her chasing of random house flies, but her awareness of birds outside remains acute.

She is also very tolerant of human eccentricities, such as the human's overwhelming desire to fluff the hairs of her abdomen while stating in an exaggerated voice, "Look at that kitty belly."

Katherine is bilingual as well, having a working knowledge of all the most crucial human English words, such as "Are you hungry?", "milk," the aforementioned "birds and "bugs," and "Where are your mouses?" (We do not expect her to understand irregular plurals, i.e., mice.)

Like all superior pets, Kitty is forgiving of human foibles. She reminds us, you can never take enough naps. And there's nothing better then lying down with the sun beating through the window.
posted by NorthernLite at 12:00 PM on September 27, 2020

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