Pocket the Thrush

January 29, 2021 11:47 AM

Death with Dignity: How I Helped My Dad Die “I couldn’t change my dad’s decision about how and when to die. Nor could I honor his right to be in control without surrendering my own. So I helped the man who’d brought me into this world to leave it.“ (Esmé E Deprez In Bloomberg)
posted by SLC Mom (8 comments total)

I can't seem to read the article without having to subscribe FYI. The only option is to go to the homepage.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:55 AM on January 29, 2021

Similar for me, but toggling reader view in firefox before the subscription popup appears got me to the article.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:02 PM on January 29, 2021

Beautiful but very sad. He had a good end on his own terms - better than so many these days.

The site wanted me to subscribe but let me ignore it and read if that helps anyone else.
posted by leslies at 2:54 PM on January 29, 2021

Here is a link to a copy: https://archive.ph/9KHMu
posted by lathrop at 5:09 PM on January 29, 2021

What a remarkable and beautiful story. I’m grateful that she wrote it, and so very jealous of what she and her father had at the end.
posted by kwaller at 5:45 PM on January 29, 2021

His last of parenting was teaching his children how to die.
posted by KingEdRa at 8:25 PM on January 30, 2021 [2 favorites]

I’m more envious, I lost my father suddenly during a surgery. The utter rip in my soul resonates to this day. Beautiful piece, more recently, my NHS work focused on programmes to improve end of life care, very focused of having those essential conversation with your family doctor, document it, so it’s in you’re records for the future. A feature we hear less about is the trauma faced by student-trainee healthcare workers. The sinking disgust at what they’ll have to do to that tiny 88 year old who codes and weighs 75 pounds. Everyone of them has a traumatic memory the call their worse ‘to date’, the souls of fragile ribs cracking as the attempt to get a heart beating simply because there is no documented decision- kneeling they are legally required to violently resuscitate/assault this tiny patient or they’ll be considered negligent. In a relatively healthy patient where a screw up of the electrics causes a suddent stoppage, you might achieve ROSC return of spontaneous circulation ( indeed the TV dramas have an 80% success rate in all the patient groups, but resus is not a treatment for an organ that through age and infirmity has simple worn out, and it’s extremely cruel to patient and practitioner to make it a legal violation. We lose 24% of 2 yr nursing students here in the UK after a placement on Geriatrics, palliative care or Hospice. I couldn’t begin to quantify physician damage. I haven’t seen research in this area because we are still too locked into the heroic medical model at huge emotional and financial costs for both patients and practitioners. This man’s death was one of the best you could in such circumstances, but hugely thanks to a LOT of emotional labour and availability of family members with an ability to drop everything and spend large amount of time working remotely. So many millions who could not achieve this. The person I identify most with is the girlfriend, those last months would have been hell on her.
posted by Wilder at 11:24 PM on January 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

Also why is the woman who did the heavy lifting lit and fig referred to as his girlfriend, not partner? This felt like a jarring designation, especially when author is up on Deer Island FaceTiming him, when at his insistence he refused to pay for personal care ‘ in order to leave a legacy for his kids and grandkids’ presumably the person who can a few hours a day came with his health plan, but the rest of the time the girlfriend provided the care, yet she’s a ghostly absence in the background in every sense. I sincerely hope she was in the will.
posted by Wilder at 11:31 PM on January 30, 2021 [3 favorites]