Houseplants be like: due to personal reasons I will be passing away.

August 30, 2021 3:01 PM

Dramatic Houseplants (it's just a subreddit, but a good one)
posted by phunniemee (43 comments total)

God if I had a plant it would be here INSTANTLY I swear.
posted by obfuscation at 3:29 PM on August 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Oooh this is the subreddit for me!
posted by sir jective at 3:34 PM on August 30, 2021

This reminds me of a science fair project I did in primary school where I fed different plants different things: one got water, one got soda, one got coffee, one got beer. Memorably, the beer one struggled quite a lot but it turns out coffee is great for plants! Unfortunately for it, my parents refused to keep giving their precious coffee to their plants once science fair season was over.
posted by sir jective at 3:37 PM on August 30, 2021 [8 favorites]

I haven't even clicked it yet but... It's gonna be full of Fittonia nerve plants. They are DRAMA QUEENS.
posted by pazazygeek at 3:53 PM on August 30, 2021 [15 favorites]

You are right about the plethora of nerve plants pazazygeek!

Today I learned my dog is a nerve plant. During the recent heat dome I spent a lot of time poking him to make sure he was still alive (hot weather makes him droop, so he would basically just lie on the floor staring at me unnervingly. As soon as it cooled down he'd perk up and trot around).

Great subreddit that I probably would not have come across otherwise. Thanks for posting it, phunniemee!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:28 PM on August 30, 2021 [7 favorites]

Yes. Because you have to water your plants. People are so scared of plants, I swear.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:49 PM on August 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

I had these friends with this one plant they named Sir Wiltsalot. The slightest hesitation in watering or otherwise tending to him, and he was draped over his fainting couch, gasp gasp, I cannot go on. Just a drop of water (or whatever else needed tending) and SPROING he was up and about.

It was good to be warned, before I came over to look after the plants while housesitting. "OMG THIS ONE LOOKS THREE WEEKS DEAD-- oh, wait, no, that's just Sir Wiltsalot. Here's a drinkie, ya big baby."
posted by theatro at 5:55 PM on August 30, 2021 [36 favorites]

I've never kept houseplants, and just bought not one but TWO calatheas, which have a reputation for being melodramatic and snobby. Fingers crossed they're not going to make a guest appearance.
posted by antihistameme at 6:07 PM on August 30, 2021

Veni Vidi Cacti.
posted by clavdivs at 6:24 PM on August 30, 2021 [5 favorites]

People are so scared of plants, I swear.

Well. There are ones with big thorns that pierce you; and little thorns that irritate you; sap which blinds you; fruit that chokes you or poisons you; also ones in which the wood, or the bark, or the leaves will poison you; ones with sawdust that destroys your lungs and ones with pollen that gives you emphysema. Oh yes, and ones that house ants which swarm all over you.

I wouldn't say I fear plants, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was cautious around them.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:36 PM on August 30, 2021 [27 favorites]

Joe, you’re in Australia. The rest of us have house plants that aren’t trying to kill us.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 8:47 PM on August 30, 2021 [63 favorites]

When our indoor plants get too dramatic I put them outside to think about what they have done. This ruggedizes them, like an army laptop. Either that or they die and cannot ever be fixed, like something from Apple.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:27 PM on August 30, 2021 [41 favorites]

It's gonna be full of Fittonia nerve plants. They are DRAMA QUEENS.

I thought the same. Fittonias for the win. We also have a short timelapse of the plant drooping then recovering after being watered. You can almost watch them in real-time.
posted by vacapinta at 11:50 PM on August 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Haha, I'm away for 3 weeks at the moment and will have some dramatic scenes on my return, even with a watering system in place!
posted by ellieBOA at 2:49 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

I have a friend who recently mentioned that all of the many plants in her big, west-facing bathroom just died over the last year and a half. She says she didn't do anything different and they were fine before. And she's right, they were gorgeous. That's because before the panorama, I was at her house at least once or twice a month if not more and I silently checked all her bathroom plants, watering the ones that needed watering and pouring out standing water from the ones that were soggy. I feel so bad about being too weird to tell her that's what I was doing and too sad for all the plants that died without my attention to mention it now. So I guess I'm the dramatic one.
posted by cilantro at 3:26 AM on August 31, 2021 [51 favorites]

The majority of my houseplants are woody herbs, which actually benefit from drying out a little. But lately I've been following the guidance of a plant care app which encourages me to water them more than I have been.

Still, even the app isn't as reliable a guage for "when to water" as the patchouli plant is. That thing starts to droop practically only five minutes past the point at which I should water things; and then it bounces back almost immediately. (I seriously only watered it fifteen minutes ago and I already notice a difference.)

I still need to set up the grow lights for these guys - I can only imagine how nuts they're going to go when they have better lighting as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:47 AM on August 31, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is a great post, OP! I was given a plant by the rental management company when I moved into a shiny new studio last year. The person handing it over explained that it was super easy to care for this plant, whose name escapes me, because it droops when it needs water. And it did. I did not kill it. I did pass it along to my kid who was hankering for a plant. Her family killed it by abandoning it in their old apartment, which was empty so no one was there to watch the final drama of that dying plant. Oops! Mostly I stick to succulents because they are hardy breeders that are forgiving of my many watering (too much or too little) sins. I managed to kill off one with overwatering but learned my lesson and the rest seem okay.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:56 AM on August 31, 2021 [2 favorites]

for dramatic houseplant *owners*, see r/HouseplantWhores. (VERY NSFW, NOT JOKING, THOUGH THEY SEEM TO BE VERY SWEET PEOPLE)
posted by jpziller at 5:30 AM on August 31, 2021 [3 favorites]

Yes. Because you have to water your plants. People are so scared of plants, I swear.

The majority of house plants are killed by overwatering.
posted by srboisvert at 5:49 AM on August 31, 2021 [6 favorites]

turns out coffee is great for plants!

Coffee is nothing more than upmarket liquid compost, so that makes sense.
posted by flabdablet at 6:02 AM on August 31, 2021

Yes. Because you have to water your plants.

Wait... Is this like "those" TikTok videos, where people first deprive/abuse the subject (typically a pet), only to subsequently introduce much needed;(attention)/(food)/(water) for internet points?

This reminds me of a song...
posted by rozcakj at 6:13 AM on August 31, 2021

Today I learned my dog is a nerve plant. ... (hot weather makes him droop, so he would basically just lie on the floor staring at me unnervingly. As soon as it cooled down he'd perk up and trot around).
Sounds like me last week. I guess I'm a nerve plant too.
posted by MtDewd at 6:38 AM on August 31, 2021 [3 favorites]

Botanist Tyler Thrasher has some very related skits - plants in nature vs "plants indoors" https://www.instagram.com/p/CRZmQl6DKAV/ (warning for curse words)
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 7:18 AM on August 31, 2021 [2 favorites]

Percy the Puny Pointsettia. "If they had just kept him wettah, he'd be a houseplant today.'
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:45 AM on August 31, 2021

The majority of house plants are killed by overwatering.
posted by srboisvert

Yeah, no shit. That's the only thing most people know to give them. It's insane. Puddles of fuckimg water. This isn't hard.
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:25 AM on August 31, 2021

I said that because the videos are showing plants reviving with water. What did you see when you clicked? Why are you saying that like these plants in the post were overwatered?
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:26 AM on August 31, 2021

Why you getting so het up over a silly subreddit? Maybe you're dehydrated.
posted by phunniemee at 8:29 AM on August 31, 2021 [8 favorites]

This isn't hard.

(Raises hand sheepishly) As a former "I have a brown thumb" lady and a current "I've kept plants alive for THREE MONTHS I AM A GODDDDDD" lady, I will say that for me... it IS hard? Yes I know the difference between bone-dry sand and sopping wet marsh, but I have a hard time telling whether your average potted plant soil is completely dry or not. Maybe my touch is not sensitive enough to differentiate cold earth from damp earth. And the type of potting soil I use seems to make a difference. TLDR, for some of us it is really challenging!
posted by rogerroger at 8:58 AM on August 31, 2021 [17 favorites]

Fair enough, rogerroger ! Though if you’re keeping basil happy, you can probably already grow cilantro from seed, i gotta say.
posted by clew at 9:14 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

My friends told me I was being ridiculous when I said houseplants were too much drama for me. WHO'S THE DEAN NOW?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:16 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

I have been growing a small army of spider plants this year, ostensibly as snacks for my chompiest cat but in part because I have come to love them. They are enthusiastic and tiny and I keep planting the pups and even though my spouse keeps making me give some away (n.b.: there are currently at least twenty plants of various sizes, ages, and varietals on my porch, and there were at least as many before we left Texas and took a hand-picked selection of plants along) I confess it is always very tempting to just plant one more.

The eldest plant has just moved inside, where I have been experimenting with actually keeping my houseplants. I have just realized I forgot to turn the grow light on in the deeply shaded corner it is sitting in for two days. Oops. This might be why I have chosen to fall in love with a species that is deeply boring and resilient, I suppose... and why I might have recently chosen to cautiously expand my affections to a series of mints, reputed to be unkillable...

(n.b. there are little color coded water indicators that turn blue when they are wet Enough and only turn white when the soil around the roots is sufficiently dry that Yes You May Grant Water To This Plant. I have a lot of them now. They are really, really, really helpful for other over-enthusiastic baby gardeners.)
posted by sciatrix at 9:19 AM on August 31, 2021 [6 favorites]

My wife and I are slowly getting better at ourdoor gardening, but our house is still where plants go to die be murdered.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:45 AM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

sciatrix, you can't mention those color coded water indicators without giving a brand name or a link or something, please?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:48 AM on August 31, 2021 [2 favorites]

sciatrix, you can't mention those color coded water indicators without giving a brand name or a link or something, please?

Yes, please.
posted by medusa at 1:11 PM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

I am not the green thumb in the family. We have some plants that have been alive since they were given to my spouse at her bat mitzvah. (Reader, we are middle-aged.) I am thinking of creating a movie poster for them. Pothos Is... Hard to Kill.
posted by expialidocious at 1:46 PM on August 31, 2021 [4 favorites]

They are Sustee Aquameters! Sometimes I see them sold as IPPINKA Sustee Aquameters for reasons that are mysterious to me. They work pretty good for me so far.
posted by sciatrix at 2:13 PM on August 31, 2021 [3 favorites]

I don't have a photo, sorry, but my pineapple sage is pretty dramatic-- shriveled, drooping, deader than dead. Water, and in about 10 mins it's lush and sprawling beautiful leaves everywhere.
I did kill my snake plants (trying not to call them mother-in-law tongues because she heard me say that once, and, hoo boy) by paying attention and giving them a bit of sun and water once in a while. They all died except for the one I forgot in a dark corner, which is just fine thanks.
posted by winesong at 3:18 PM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

Spending a few dollars on a moisture meter like this one was a game changer that has turned me into a bit of a crazy houseplant lady. You don’t leave it in the pot, like the ones sciatrix uses—just probe the soil in a couple of places to make sure that the area around the roots, say, isn’t still soaking wet. I usually poke around a bit to break up the soil before watering, too.
posted by Anita Bath at 4:52 PM on August 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

I personally believe that the way to know whether a plant is dry enough to need water is to first kill a lot of plants by getting it wrong, or be lucky enough to find plants that want exactly the care you're offering from the start. Meters and indicators and apps and self-watering pots and etc. are all just ways of spending extra money in the process of figuring it out for yourself.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 5:15 PM on August 31, 2021

Today I learned my dog is a nerve plant. ... (hot weather makes him droop, so he would basically just lie on the floor staring at me unnervingly. As soon as it cooled down he'd perk up and trot around).

Sounds like me last week. I guess I'm a nerve plant too.
posted by MtDewd at 6:38 AM on August 31

Yeah, I am too if we’re being honest. I honestly prefer -40 C temps to high heat.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:13 PM on August 31, 2021

Hello, I am Very Bad at plants. I have killed many succulents I had heard were supposed to be hardy. But it turns out killing succulents is easy and many people have done that, especially by overwatering. No, I am much more advanced. I have killed bamboo. In fact, the only type of plant I've ever kept alive for more than a few months is a peace lily, because it dramatically slumps over when it needs water and otherwise I don't water it.

I am very good at keeping cats alive, however. Unlike plants, if you forget to feed or water the cat, the cat will come bother you or at least glare pointedly. Or, if you overfeed or overwater the cat, it will walk away (barring ones that don't self-regulate, but I can also deal with those). As long as I prevent the cats from eating the peace lily everyone can live just fine. (N.B. lilies are very toxic and peace lilies (not being true lilies) are only somewhat toxic to cats, but we shut down any leaf-chewing behavior quickly.)
posted by j.r at 11:58 PM on September 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

Cool, for a subreddit.

Reddit has SERIOUS problems though. First off it is absolutely saturated with white supremacists. They've gotten better at toeing the line of acceptability but they're still quite prevalent if you actually dig into comments etc.

Reddit also has such a serious problem with malignant disinformation that some major subs have gone dark recently over the issue. Apparently the trigger for them was COVID lies which are a major issue but the lies about the climate crisis on Reddit have been a significant problem there for years and years. Not to mention the misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia etc etc which are prevalent in many if not most discussions throughout the site.
posted by viborg at 11:11 AM on September 3, 2021

I have killed many succulents I had heard were supposed to be hardy. But it turns out killing succulents is easy and many people have done that, especially by overwatering.

The only plant I have ever kept alive is a succulent, and the reason I kept it alive is because I thought it was plastic, so I didn't ever touch it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:23 AM on September 3, 2021 [4 favorites]