Now in high fashion: Prison fixers.
June 7, 2022 1:46 PM Subscribe
Want to Do Less Time? A Prison Consultant Might Be Able to Help. For a price, a new breed of fixer is teaching convicts how to reduce their sentence, get placed in a better facility — and make the most of their months behind bars.
The idea of a prison consultant might conjure an image of an insider broker or fixer, but they’re really more like an SAT tutor — someone who understands test logic and the nuances of unwritten rules. Yet prison consulting also involves dealing with a desolate human being who has lost almost everything — friends, family, money, reputation — and done it in such a way that no one gives a damn. So they’re also a paid-for best friend, plying their clients with Tony Robbins-style motivational insights, occasionally mixed with powerful sessions about the nature of guilt and shame.
Non-paywall
The idea of a prison consultant might conjure an image of an insider broker or fixer, but they’re really more like an SAT tutor — someone who understands test logic and the nuances of unwritten rules. Yet prison consulting also involves dealing with a desolate human being who has lost almost everything — friends, family, money, reputation — and done it in such a way that no one gives a damn. So they’re also a paid-for best friend, plying their clients with Tony Robbins-style motivational insights, occasionally mixed with powerful sessions about the nature of guilt and shame.
Non-paywall
Bernie Madoff, celebrity criminals, get counseling to prepare for prison life
Bernie Madoff once had the best that money could buy when it came to his many homes. For his latest accommodations, he sought out a different kind of broker: a type of prison consultant increasingly popular among white-collar wrongdoers.
Why rich convicts hire prison consultants
Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, NFL players Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress, reality stars Teresa Giudice and Abby Lee Miller. They're just a few of the celebrities who have reportedly had prison consultants guide them through the justice system.
Inside the World of Prison Consultants Who Prepare White Collar Criminals to Do Time
From Felicity Huffman to Michael Cohen, nearly every day brings a notable figure face to face with a possible jail sentence—which, in turn, has given rise to a cottage industry: the prison consultancy.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 2:26 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Bernie Madoff once had the best that money could buy when it came to his many homes. For his latest accommodations, he sought out a different kind of broker: a type of prison consultant increasingly popular among white-collar wrongdoers.
Why rich convicts hire prison consultants
Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, NFL players Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress, reality stars Teresa Giudice and Abby Lee Miller. They're just a few of the celebrities who have reportedly had prison consultants guide them through the justice system.
Inside the World of Prison Consultants Who Prepare White Collar Criminals to Do Time
From Felicity Huffman to Michael Cohen, nearly every day brings a notable figure face to face with a possible jail sentence—which, in turn, has given rise to a cottage industry: the prison consultancy.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 2:26 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
posted by Jarcat at 3:00 PM on June 7, 2022 [47 favorites]
posted by Jarcat at 3:00 PM on June 7, 2022 [47 favorites]
...plying their clients with Tony Robbins-style motivational insights
The wisdom of the ages, in other words.
posted by y2karl at 3:38 PM on June 7, 2022
The wisdom of the ages, in other words.
posted by y2karl at 3:38 PM on June 7, 2022
"Make the most of" prison. Like good god, the "make the most of" thing is literally everywhere, isn't it?
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:48 PM on June 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:48 PM on June 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
The sad fact is that any time you have decisions being made by humans, be it college admissions, employment, apartment rentals, or criminal sentencing, it will be possible for powerful, attractive, sympathetic, or just plain rich people to influence those decisions.
It is occasionally proposed that those decisions be taken out of the hands of humans and be made purely mechanical. This leads to things like mandatory sentencing guidelines, or that law in Seattle requiring landlords to take tenants on a first-come-first-serve basis.
Mandatory sentencing laws sometimes lead to injustice, but on the other hand, they usually become popular after a high profile criminal gets an unjustly light sentence.
Imagine a law requiring universities to publish objective standards of what they're looking for in a student, and then to be obligated to take any prospective student who meets those standards. Such a law would - at least theoretically - destroy the entire college consultant industry, and put a lot of college admissions bureaucrats out of work.
I don't know what the solution is. If you let humans make decisions, you're occasionally going to get stupid, racist, or something else results. If you don't, you're occasionally going to get stupid, racist, or something else results, with an added dollop of "Sorry, my hands are tied, I have to do it that way".
posted by Hatashran at 3:50 PM on June 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
It is occasionally proposed that those decisions be taken out of the hands of humans and be made purely mechanical. This leads to things like mandatory sentencing guidelines, or that law in Seattle requiring landlords to take tenants on a first-come-first-serve basis.
Mandatory sentencing laws sometimes lead to injustice, but on the other hand, they usually become popular after a high profile criminal gets an unjustly light sentence.
Imagine a law requiring universities to publish objective standards of what they're looking for in a student, and then to be obligated to take any prospective student who meets those standards. Such a law would - at least theoretically - destroy the entire college consultant industry, and put a lot of college admissions bureaucrats out of work.
I don't know what the solution is. If you let humans make decisions, you're occasionally going to get stupid, racist, or something else results. If you don't, you're occasionally going to get stupid, racist, or something else results, with an added dollop of "Sorry, my hands are tied, I have to do it that way".
posted by Hatashran at 3:50 PM on June 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
you are not imaginating hard enough
posted by elkevelvet at 4:33 PM on June 7, 2022 [21 favorites]
you are not imaginating hard enough
posted by elkevelvet at 4:33 PM on June 7, 2022 [21 favorites]
> This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
you are not imaginating hard enough
Yeah, the next step is paying some dude off to do the time in your place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 PM on June 7, 2022 [18 favorites]
you are not imaginating hard enough
Yeah, the next step is paying some dude off to do the time in your place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 PM on June 7, 2022 [18 favorites]
the next step is paying some dude off to do the time in your place.
Why even bother to pay? Just throw a "family" member under the bus: "Do it to Jared! Do it to Jared! Not me! Jared!"
posted by The Tensor at 5:03 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Why even bother to pay? Just throw a "family" member under the bus: "Do it to Jared! Do it to Jared! Not me! Jared!"
posted by The Tensor at 5:03 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
And the poor and POC end up under the bus yet again. What a shock.
posted by Splunge at 5:06 PM on June 7, 2022
posted by Splunge at 5:06 PM on June 7, 2022
> This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
>you are not imaginating hard enough
>Yeah, the next step is paying some dude off to do the time in your place.
Ridiculous... soon you're going to suggest having your own prison and having the state pay you to do all this incarceration stuff for them!
...oh.
Seriously though, I used to work with populations that went through the jail and prison systems and there was definitely insider knowledge to impart. Among other things, I still tell my friends what I told my clients: if they get arrested for whatever reason in Seattle and might have to stay a few days in jail before court, bail etc, get out of KCJ as soon as possible and ask to be held in Issaquah or another cell out of downtown. Because your family or best friend lives out there and it'll be easier for them to pick you up or something...anything. Just ask. I don't know if they've improved it since then but the overcrowding and health conditions there at the time (over and above the issues with justice etc) were sickening.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:36 PM on June 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
>you are not imaginating hard enough
>Yeah, the next step is paying some dude off to do the time in your place.
Ridiculous... soon you're going to suggest having your own prison and having the state pay you to do all this incarceration stuff for them!
...oh.
Seriously though, I used to work with populations that went through the jail and prison systems and there was definitely insider knowledge to impart. Among other things, I still tell my friends what I told my clients: if they get arrested for whatever reason in Seattle and might have to stay a few days in jail before court, bail etc, get out of KCJ as soon as possible and ask to be held in Issaquah or another cell out of downtown. Because your family or best friend lives out there and it'll be easier for them to pick you up or something...anything. Just ask. I don't know if they've improved it since then but the overcrowding and health conditions there at the time (over and above the issues with justice etc) were sickening.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:36 PM on June 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
Real world example of throwing a family member under the bus.
https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2022/06/02/ronnell-johnson-washtenaw-county-freed-from-prison/7469568001/
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 5:41 PM on June 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2022/06/02/ronnell-johnson-washtenaw-county-freed-from-prison/7469568001/
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 5:41 PM on June 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
Working in construction-related projects with this one guy, who was quite creative and competent, -- he eventually told me he had done 26 years in NY incarceration.
Curiously, I asked him, if I was in prison, would somebody steal my sneakers?
He said, "If you are worried about somebody stealing your sneakers, then you made the wrong
decision, getting sentenced to long term time and worrying about your sneakers"
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:08 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Curiously, I asked him, if I was in prison, would somebody steal my sneakers?
He said, "If you are worried about somebody stealing your sneakers, then you made the wrong
decision, getting sentenced to long term time and worrying about your sneakers"
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:08 PM on June 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
I worked with someone like this in a past life. It was useful to give white collar clients some peace of mind for how to handle their impending federal sentence. Also useful in terms of massaging the preferred prison camp placement, understanding how the Bureau of Prisons makes the decision, and so forth. In terms of actual utility beyond peace of mind, who knows.
And for the question upthread, the King County Jail is not improved. I think they are going to defer maintenance until a new facility is built, whenever that is.
posted by bepe at 7:14 PM on June 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
And for the question upthread, the King County Jail is not improved. I think they are going to defer maintenance until a new facility is built, whenever that is.
posted by bepe at 7:14 PM on June 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Because the paying readership of the NYT is more likely to be able and to need to take advantage of this than the general population.
posted by coolname at 9:08 PM on June 7, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by coolname at 9:08 PM on June 7, 2022 [12 favorites]
This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
I'm no historian, but my impression is that in early-stage capitalism, these kinds of people wouldn't have had to worry about being arrested, much less actually going to jail. So ... progress?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:32 AM on June 8, 2022
I'm no historian, but my impression is that in early-stage capitalism, these kinds of people wouldn't have had to worry about being arrested, much less actually going to jail. So ... progress?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:32 AM on June 8, 2022
Because the paying readership of the NYT is more likely to be able and to need to take advantage of this than the general population.
Certainly true, but "Not everyone who reads The New York Times comes from an affluent household. According to the most recent survey, 25% of the paper’s readers earn between $30,000 and $74,999 per year, and 26% have an annual household income under $30,000."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:34 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Certainly true, but "Not everyone who reads The New York Times comes from an affluent household. According to the most recent survey, 25% of the paper’s readers earn between $30,000 and $74,999 per year, and 26% have an annual household income under $30,000."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:34 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
As with a lot of criminal-justice-related benefits and services available to the affluent, I have a hard time getting directly mad at it. It's not that it's a wicked service; it's not that it shouldn't be available to anyone. It's that it should be available to everyone, or at least far, far more widely than it is. It's also hard to hate a business that provides white-collar employment to ex-felons, which is hard to come by.
I read and promptly lost a brief article about affluent California prisoners getting "pay to stay" accommodations which are more dorm-like. Like so much in this New Gilded Age, it's a frankly pre-modern arrangement.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:55 AM on June 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
I read and promptly lost a brief article about affluent California prisoners getting "pay to stay" accommodations which are more dorm-like. Like so much in this New Gilded Age, it's a frankly pre-modern arrangement.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:55 AM on June 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Reading just the posted article, it is like a paid article. I almost felt, at the end, like it would be no big deal to go to white collar federal prison. Read a lot of books and prepare for the return to society. Do my 12 months and move on. Pretty sure that is the wrong way to look at it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:00 AM on June 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:00 AM on June 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
If your situation is more public-defender than dream-team prison-fixer, perhaps you'd be interested in How to Survive Prison, The Prison Manual, or Mr. Smith Goes to Prison.
posted by box at 8:00 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by box at 8:00 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is the most "late-stage capitalism service economy" thing possible
Pablo Escobar would like a word.
posted by box at 8:05 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Pablo Escobar would like a word.
posted by box at 8:05 AM on June 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Paging Tom Wombsgans...
posted by panama joe at 12:49 PM on June 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by panama joe at 12:49 PM on June 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
That was an eye-opening read. Thanks Toddles!
posted by storybored at 7:54 PM on June 8, 2022
posted by storybored at 7:54 PM on June 8, 2022
Nancy Lebovitz's link, which is pretty damn chilling: Michigan man released from prison after his dad's undisclosed plea deal discovered
posted by virago at 2:05 AM on June 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by virago at 2:05 AM on June 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh, Christ, what an awful awful story.
posted by y2karl at 8:35 AM on June 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by y2karl at 8:35 AM on June 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
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