MetaFilter Emotional Labour
October 8, 2022 5:29 PM Subscribe
In 2015, MetaFilter hosted affecting first hand accounts of Emotional Labour. I've been on MetaFilter for a few years now, but that Emotional Labour thread was what brought me here. I've sent the linked summary of that thread to many friends and it always had a large impact on those who actually read it. Many felt understood, some got angry, and some decided to contemplate something that affected their life and relationships for years without them even noticing.
I'd like to hear your stories, thoughts and, follow ups on this but, for now, here is mine:
I was first made aware of the Emotional Labour summary from a now ex-partner but who was then my current partner. I was 26.
When I read it I had two very strong responses: the first was that this is terrible and obviously real thing that women have to deal with. The second was that I had definitely acting in similar ways in my previous relationship.
Despite considering myself a feminist at the time, upon reading that thread I saw me in those stories.
I knew that I had gaslit my former partner when we discussed topics I didn't want to discuss, mostly because of shame or repression; that I had consistently overlooked housework and cooking duties because my partner would just 'get to it first' or that they 'had a lower threshold for mess.' so they could clean it up or wait for me to care; and that there wasn't a good way to talk to me about this stuff, but I would get frustrated about the topic no matter how it was approached.
Worst of all was the lie that seemed to get told by men throughout all these stories at one point or another: that we did care, but it would take time to change. In time I have recognised that, in that particular relationship, I didn't care. I didn't care because it was someone else's problem, someone I was supposed to be in love with but for whom I couldn't not take seriously when it came to these issues. It would have been better for me to explain this at the time but... I didn't really know I knew it.
Regardless, reading that thread gave me more perspective of the issue in less than an hour than most men will get in their entire lives. It also showed me how I was holding myself back from really loving another person. I have become a much better person and partner since then. It also showed me how poorly and thoughtlessly men can treat other men too with these mindsets. Not violent, nor aggressive, just the thoughtless ignoring of our relationships so that they are barely functional at all. I'm doing a lot better with my part in that too.
So, this is a little thank you from me. The thread really helped me be a better person and is something I regularly think back on and share. I'd really love to hear your stories on how the thread affected you and how EL experiences may have changed since then. Peace out. ✌️
I was first made aware of the Emotional Labour summary from a now ex-partner but who was then my current partner. I was 26.
When I read it I had two very strong responses: the first was that this is terrible and obviously real thing that women have to deal with. The second was that I had definitely acting in similar ways in my previous relationship.
Despite considering myself a feminist at the time, upon reading that thread I saw me in those stories.
I knew that I had gaslit my former partner when we discussed topics I didn't want to discuss, mostly because of shame or repression; that I had consistently overlooked housework and cooking duties because my partner would just 'get to it first' or that they 'had a lower threshold for mess.' so they could clean it up or wait for me to care; and that there wasn't a good way to talk to me about this stuff, but I would get frustrated about the topic no matter how it was approached.
Worst of all was the lie that seemed to get told by men throughout all these stories at one point or another: that we did care, but it would take time to change. In time I have recognised that, in that particular relationship, I didn't care. I didn't care because it was someone else's problem, someone I was supposed to be in love with but for whom I couldn't not take seriously when it came to these issues. It would have been better for me to explain this at the time but... I didn't really know I knew it.
Regardless, reading that thread gave me more perspective of the issue in less than an hour than most men will get in their entire lives. It also showed me how I was holding myself back from really loving another person. I have become a much better person and partner since then. It also showed me how poorly and thoughtlessly men can treat other men too with these mindsets. Not violent, nor aggressive, just the thoughtless ignoring of our relationships so that they are barely functional at all. I'm doing a lot better with my part in that too.
So, this is a little thank you from me. The thread really helped me be a better person and is something I regularly think back on and share. I'd really love to hear your stories on how the thread affected you and how EL experiences may have changed since then. Peace out. ✌️
This post was deleted for the following reason: This would be better in metaalk -- Eyebrows McGee
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posted by Spritzu at 5:40 PM on October 8, 2022